WWE Bragging Rights 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Bragging Rights 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Iron Men (and women) of professional wrestling, Cewsh Reviews! We when last left you, TNA was putting on a show that we felt wildly different about, and WWE made sure to keep that streak going by putting on a show built upon Raw vs. Smackdown and a 1 hour Iron Man Match between John Cena and Randy Orton, here at WWE Bragging Rights 2009. Upon hearing about the Iron Man match, Vice immediately went out hunting the Midgar Zolom, so in his place, to fill the void, we’ve recruited not only Ms. Cewsh, who is back for her second week in a row, but also Sign Girl, who we’re pretty sure really needed the work. Will we all agree on what is guaranteed to be a controversial show? Will we be nice to poor Sign Girl? Will John Cena make lots of ridiculous faces? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: The video here wasn’t anything hugely special, as it spent most of the time hammering home the concept of the Bragging Rights matches and the Raw vs. Smackdown aspect to the show. The REAL video package here, the one about Cena and Orton has been playing on the shows nonstop and will probably be featured later, and it fucking fantastic. So if you average the two out, what you wind up with is pretty good.

Also, as everybody reads off their accomplishments and boasts, all Kane says is that he’s the Co-Captain of this team? You’ve done other things Kane! Set people on fire, won World titles, struck fear in the hearts of millions, yet your resume will consist of being the co-captain for Team Smackdown? Man, you need to up your ambitions.

Segment 2 – Brand Warfare – The (Show) Miz vs. John (Awesomest Awesomedude) Morrison.

Cewsh: Which one of these two guys is going to be the Marty Jannetty? Neither. Neither are.

These guys are really great. Like really great. I can’t think of two guys coming up together at the same time who have had this much potential since, fuck, Samoa Joe and CM Punk? This is the first time that they’ve had a really high profile match against each other, and I’m as interested as can be at what it is that they’re going to come up with.

This match starts off very slow for a match of this type, before picking up speed considerably as the match wears on and John Morrsion takes control of the match. Both guys trade moves back and forth for awhile, showing how well they know one another, until they start going for finishers, which neither man can seem to hit. Finally, Morrison gets Miz down and goes for the Starship Pain, only to have Miz grab his foot out from under him and send him plummeting to the ground in a heap. Miz takes advantage, grabs the quick pin out of nowhere, and puts Raw on the map for this night, 1-0.

Even though my play by play wouldn’t necessarily indicate it, there was a lot going on here, and these guys busted their asses to put on a very strong match. I agree with Ms. Cewsh that this didn’t feel like an opener, and would have outshined a lot of the rest of the show in a better slot, but what these guys put together was not only fun to watch, and compelling to follow, but a great window into the future of the WWE. If this is the future, I can’t wait until it gets here.

80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval

Ms.Cewsh: I was super hyped for this match, because I love both of these guys. Morrison’s moveset is so incredible and Miz is becoming such a great heel promo, I thought for sure this was a can’t miss opener.

It’s a great match, but I’m not sure if it’s a great opener. Miz tempers a lot of Morrison’s speed and keeps him grounded for most of the match. I’m not saying openers need to be spot-fests, but I do think they should be more fast and exciting. The match picks up speed as it goes on, particularly after Morrison’s back-flip kicky thing and again after his standing Shooting Star. The man knows how to do an impressive move. Also, I love Russian Leg Sweeps. I don’t know why, but it’s one of my favorite moves. It pleases me to see it.

The end did seem a bit abrupt. I know Morrison got dropped on his head, but it didn’t seem three count worthy. I mean he conks his head pretty hard on the outside around 12:59 and that doesn’t get a pin. It’s not a huge complaint though, nor is the speed, because I like the match. I like how much time they got. I like how they tried to elevate the match above standard opening fare. It’s a fantastic match, but I almost feel like this and the Divas should’ve switched places on the card.

80 out of 100

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?

The Miz Over John Morrison Following A Crash and Burn.
Segment 3 – The Truth About Yo Daddy.

Cewsh: Backstage Cody Rhodes and R-Truth get into a little confrontation, as they both spend some time bragging about their shows, right up until Big Show shows up and plays peacemaker. And by peacemaker I mean that he stands over R-Truth and puts the fear of cheeseburgers into the poor guy.

I’m pretty sure I’d shut the fuck up if some dude came and blotted out the sun next to me too.

Segment 4 – Brand Warfare – Team Blonde (Michelle McCool, Beth Phoenix and Natalya) vs. Team Great Ass (Melina, Kelly Kelly, and Gail Kim).

Ms.Cewsh: How is this even fair? I mean I know Smackdown has to win this match so that the 7 on 7 actually means something, but come on! Natalia, Beth, and what’s her name against Melina, Gail, and Kelly freaking Kelly? Why don’t you just hand Smackdown the win on a silver platter? I mean Kelly’s improved by leaps and bounds, but she’s still Kelly!

Gail starts the match against Beth, who tags in Michelle, who tags in Natalia, before Gail tags out. Impressive, right? She took on all three Divas and was pretty dominant for a lot of it. Gail is in for less than 2 minutes. She does not get in the ring again. If you do watch this match, perhaps you should invest in a pair of ear plugs. My life would’ve been greatly improved by them. The vast majority of the remaining match is each Smackdown Diva beating the holy hell out of Kelly. For her part, Kelly screams. Non. Stop.

After a vicious beating, Kelly makes a desperate lunge and tags in Melina. Keep your ear plugs firmly in, darlings, because Melina proceeds to shriek for the remainder of this contest. Despite her ear piercing war cry, Melina vs. Beth is actually a good match. Melina continues to impress me with her flexibility. Beth, reinvigorated by a fresh crop of Divas to beat, continues to look inhumanly dominant. I wish they’d gotten more time, because it wasn’t just good for a Divas match. It was good. And that’s the second time I’ve had to say that about Melina.

66 out of 100

Cewsh: Meh. It was fine for a Divas match.

In fact it was pretty good for a Divas match.

I still wasn’t impressed.

68 out of 100

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?

Team Smackdown Over Team Raw Following The Glam Slam From Beth To Melina.
Segment 5 – Triple H: The Motivational Speaker?

Cewsh: Team Raw is in the locker room, worried about their deficit in the Brand Warfare, so Triple H rallies the troops by reminding them of how much they all hate him. While this is a questionable tactic, its also incredibly hilarious, as they rip on everything from Kofi’s fake Jamaicaness to things they’ve shoved up Big Show’s ass to the time Mark Henry almost gave birth to a hand. Inspired by all of this, they charge out of the locker room to go get them some Smackdown.

This is a great example of how to get ideas like this over. There are heels and faces here, but in one month, with no real backstory supporting it, they’ve convinced me that all of these guys (well, except maybe one…) would rather work with their worst enemies than have their show lose this PPV. Just great, great stuff in every way. If things keep going this way, I hope DX stays together forever.

Segment 6 – World Heavyweight Championship – The (Ice Cream Maker) Undertaker © vs. CM (Cures Malaria) Punk vs. Rey (The Littlest Overdog) Mysterio vs. Bat(shit Insane)ista.

Ms.Cewsh: Ms.Cewsh + Undertaker + Batista – Vodka = Tragically low score, right?

Well, normally yes. Except, um no. This match is, well it’s…um.

It’s good! OK, it’s good! You got me to say it. I really, really enjoyed an Undertaker match. I hope you’re happy with yourself.

Four Ways are generally pretty boring and oddly paced, usually with two guys milling about, not doing anything, while the other two battle it out in the ring. If you’re going to do that, why not just do a tag match? Apparently someone realized this, because that’s not the case at ALL.

Sure, there’s usually someone knocked out on the outside at any time, but there’s a lot more strategy and story. The story, of course, is Rey and Batista and how will their friendship affect their ability to be rivals in a match, yadda yadda yadda. Really, the end can be seen coming from space, but it’s still fun to watch it get there.

Punk looks amazing, manhandling Rey, breaking up pins, flying around at a million miles an hour, and eating finishers. I’ve been kind of skeptical of the new, smaller, main eventers they’re favoring, but he’s really proving me wrong. Speaking of finishers, do we miss any? It really gives the match an exciting, unpredictable feel. Even though Taker retains, everyone looks strong and gets a nice moment.

88 out of 100

Cewsh: I’m with Ms. Cewsh on this one, I usually hate Four Way matches. They tend to be cluttered, they never seem to have any meat to them, and instead rely on just having a bunch of moves get done, followed by somebody else breaking up the pin.

Funnily enough, that’s exactly what happened here too. The difference is that they just threw off the brakes on this one and went full bore at about a million miles per hour from start to finish, and while they were doing it they still managed to tell a story that not only worked, but its was legitimately compelling. You have Mysterio and Batista who are best friends and are trying to figure out how to have this match and not step on each others’ toes. You have the Undertaker being, well, the Undertaker, and you have CM Punk generally being a cocky little shit who tries to take advantage of every situation, and is very, very good at it.

As the match goes on it becomes exactly what matches like this are supposed to become. Organized chaos. Everyone is hitting finishers. Every move is followed by another, cooler move, and the whole time alliances are forming and dying and everything culminates with Batista hitting the Batista Bomb on the Undertaker, which is broken up by Mysterio, who goes for the pin himself. Then he and Batista have an argument and Batista turns into a Tombstone. Game over.

I can’t say enough about this match. It was fast paced, it was fun, and it made sense from start to finish. It was absolutely ideal.

84 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?

The Undertaker Over Everyone Else Following The Tombstone On Batista.
Post Match:

Cewsh: After the match, Batista gets pissed the fuck off. Mysterio is interviewed by Josh Matthews and he says over and over how he and his buddy, Batista, were close and that they’ll pull it off next time. Batista, however, doesn’t seem in anywhere so stable a state of mind, takes the mic and informs Rey that he is sick of losing because of Rey, informs him that he’s “not playing”, that he’s going to “rip [Rey’s] head off”, and proceeds to do just that with a nasty fucking clothesline. Then, outside the ring, he starts choking Rey on the ring apron as Rey begs for Batista not to do this and to relax, which Batista absolutely does NOT do, and Batista absolutely trashes him into the barricade and takes the time to kick him in the face again before he leaves.

Heel Batista, huh? Yeah, I can get into that. Definitely.

Ms. Cewsh: The whole interview doesn’t make any sense if someone’s NOT turning; otherwise, why wouldn’t Josh Matthews let them get to the locker room? Have we EVER interviewed losers in the middle of the ring immediately post match before? Rey’s speech is really overwrought, making him seem more like Batista’s bitch, than his buddy. It got to the point where I was expecting Rey to offer make-up steak and blowjobs.

I can’t find any fault with what happens next in ring. Batista totally snaps, looks great and crazy and badass. Rey’s pleading is top-notch, (again, overwrought, but this time it’s justifiable.) No, I’m going to have to complain about fans cheering the heel. AGAIN. I expect this kind of thing from TNA, but you WWE? I’m ashamed of you.

Segment 7 – Hmm, I WAS Wondering What A Bunch Of Random People Thought Was Going To Happen.

Cewsh: They go outside before the show to ask a bunch of people who they think will win the brand supremacy match, and get them all to chant for one side or the other in a way that, again, reflects how big they’ve made this match in a very short time. The really important thing here, though, is that apparently some guy has spent his whole life under the misunderstanding that Chris Jericho and Sid Vicious are the same person, as he calls him one of Sid’s catchphrases in the only mic time he will ever get, ever.

Not the best first impression really. I wouldn’t want Sid mad at me, I know that much.

Segment 8 – Brand Warfare – Team The Live Show (DX, Cody Rhodes, Kofi Kingston, Jack Swagger, Mark Henry and The Big Show) vs. Team The One My Cable Company Won’t Show (Chris Jericho, Kane, Matt Hardy, Finlay, R-Truth, and the Hart Dynasty).

Cewsh: With the 2 Brand Warfare matches to this point split between Raw and Smackdown, it’s all down to this complete clusterfuck of a match to determine which show is going to be named the superior show for 2009. This is probably the biggest tag team match I’ve ever seen, and on the surface it doesn’t seem to make a ton of sense to have SO MANY dudes in the ring at the same time and not even have it be an elimination style match, but who knows? This match could be awesome.

The match gets started with all of the guys on their respective sides, which are very awesomely separated by the ropes and turnbuckles being either Red or Blue split in half down the middle of the ring. That, along with the trophy that will go to the winner really contributes to making this match seem really important. The match itself doesn’t exactly do that, though, as this match is basically just a bunch of moves performed one after the other. There really isn’t much else you CAN do with this many people in the ring, and in no time, the ring is somehow empty of 11 of the participants, leaving Big Show and Kofi to try to launch a move from the top rope on Jericho, which goes slightly awry for Kofi when Show chokeslams him halfway through the ring, punches a protesting Triple H right in the face and then leaves the arena, as Jericho crawls over and scoops up the easy win. Then the Smackdown Team parades the trophy around like it’s the Stanley Cup and King does his best emo impression about losing.

It makes sense for Big Show to turn on his team, otherwise what sense did it make for him even to be on it? But the impact would probably have been a lot stronger if this ending didn’t come kind of out of nowhere at the end of what ultimately turned out to be a filler match. I wish there had been more to it, but I guess it served its purpose.

65 out of 100

Ms.Cewsh: Crap, this show had so much potential to this point. The match is a clusterfuck. There’s no reason we need this many people in this match. Seriously, Mark Henry, Jack Swagger, and the Hart Dynasty all could’ve been cut and the match would only have improved.

Let’s fast forward to the end: Big Show already did this once! He turned on Raw and joined ECW in the Battle Royal at Head to Head in ’06! Mark Henry was in that match too! How, at no point, did he not turn to DX and say, “Hey, isn’t he partners with the co-captain of Smackdown, and kind of known for turning on his team? Maybe we shouldn’t put him in for the big finale.”

61 out of 100

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?

Team Smackdown Over Team Raw Following A Doublecross.
Segment 9 – Cody Rhodes Is Short Sighted.

Cewsh: Kofi Kingston is walked painfully down a hallway when Cody Rhodes randomly decides to lay into him for being the loser of their match. A scuffle ensues, and Kofi finds himself being painted on the wall. So, essentially, immediately before a match he’ll almost certainly play a part in, Rhodes has instigated a reason for someone to enter on Cena’s behalf?

I don’t know if that was the best idea man. In fact, I’m pretty sure that it’s a fucking TERRIBLE idea.

Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – No Disqualification Iron Man Match- Randy (Ms. Cewsh Hopes So) Orton (c) vs. John (If He Wins,We Diet) Cena.

Cewsh: Alright, we’ve covered only one Iron man match before, and that one was only 30 minutes long, so let me explain the format here. We will progress through the match and pick out particular points in time to comment on. We’ll both comment on them as they happen, to sort of tell the story of the match as it unfolds, because actual play by play would be so long, that you’d still be reading by the time these two start feuding again. To those of you who are entirely unfamiliar with Iron man matches themselves, the idea is that these guys will wrestle for one complete hour and whoever has the most falls at the end of it is the winner. Falls count by pinning your opponent or causing him to submit, but this is a No Disqualification match, so there aren’t going to be any count outs or DQs. Every time a fall occurs, they get a 30 second rest period, after which, the clock starts up again.

Everyone clear on all of that? Alright, let’s do this crazy thing.


Ms.Cewsh: The lead up video to this match is truly excellent. This feud’s gotten kind of stale, so seeing it strung together in a really dramatic way makes it feel like a great rivalry. Getting to the ring could have been quicker. I know it’s Randy’s heel thing that he walks real slow but even Cena just kind of meandered in. I already have to watch you two for an hour, do I really need to watch you for an extra 20 minutes?

Cewsh: Both men come to the ring in their usual way, and Orton reminds me of a clever joke I heard from my friend atnumbers (shout out!), that if they were to ring the bell before his entrance starts, they’d only have to wrestle for half an hour. So amusing, and so, so true. But hey, sexy takes its time. Rule of life. There is a definite big fight feel in the air here on this night. The fans are buzzing, Cena and Orton have their serious faces on, and nobody has any idea what to expect.


Cewsh: After a lot of getting his ass kicked, Cena slaps on the STF out of nowhere, causing Orton to tap out instantly. At first I thought it was ridiculous for Orton to tap out so quickly, but the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. Orton has a ton of time left to make up the fall, and his chances will be much better in the long term if Cena doesn’t choke him half to death 5 minutes into the match. So he taps out quickly to preserve himself, and Cena earns the first fall of the contest.

Ms.Cewsh: Stupid Cena. Stupid fucking Cena. Kick him in the head. Why would Randy tap? Why?! The STF wasn’t even fully locked in! And don’t give me any of that “Oh, well he was conserving energy,” crap, because if he WAS, maybe that’s something the announcers should have mentioned, instead of letting King pratter on about “Well in this type of match, you really need to get the most pinfalls or submissions.” Noooooooooooooooo? You don’t say?! Idiot.

Cena: 1
Orton: 0

Ms.Orton: Orton doesn’t take kindly to being tapped and proceeds to beat the shit out of Cena, culminating in choking him out for about three minutes. Of course this is John Fucking Cena, he doesn’t need pesky things like oxygen or selling! Fucking tosser.

Cewsh: John Cena gets Orton down and goes for the 5 Kunckle Shuffle, causing Ms. Cewsh to froth with rage. However, instead of a weak looking fist drop, he proceeds to get the beejesus RKO’d out of him, as Randy Orton evens the score, proving that Cena’s not the only one who can no sell and hit finishers out of nowhere. Now we have ourselves a match.

Ms.Orton: Of course, the RKO would’ve been a hell of a lot cooler if the camera had been anywhere near them until Randy was already mid-move.

Cena: 1
Orton: 1

Cewsh: After being hit with a monitor (which is coming out of your paycheck Mr. Orton!) and getting smacked upside his biscuit head with the world’s sharpest microphone, John Cena is busted the fuck open the hard way, and is bleeding all over the place. The ref and the trainer at ringside tries to convince him to let them tend to him, but instead he Hulks up and knocks the shit out of Orton for awhile, before Orton turn the tables on him (again) and gets himself covered in enough of Cena’s plasma to feed Twilight role players for a lifetime.

Ms.Orton: How do you do that! Fucking! Ass! Rawr! I don’t know enough swear words for how much I hate you!


Ms.Orton: Orton’s stomp on Cena’s head on the stairs at ~ 45:30 is cringe worthily awesome. Jesus Christ.

What’s up with the announcers and vintage tonight? First vintage Bragging Rights, (it’s the first one you morons,) and now vintage Cena? It’s such an odd word to decide to repeat all the time.

Cewsh: After finally turning the tables on Orton, Cena hits the 5 Knuckle Shuffle, apparently because he doesn’t learn, hoists Orton up for the Attitude Adjustment, and is promptly RKO’d right out of it in one of the coolest moves that I’ve ever seen. However, since the Attitude Adjustment happened anyway, and Orton just hit the RKO ALSO, both men are down, and just happen to have an arm draped over the other. The ref knows how this tune is played and counts the three count, meaning that they BOTH win the fall.

Cewsh: Fuck, that move was rocking.

Ms.Orton: Beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. (And contrived, and therefore obnoxious, but shhh…) The rest period and the counter update come way later than it does for all the other falls, so for a good 30 seconds, I thought they decided not to give a fall to either guy.

Cena: 2
Orton: 2

Cewsh: Unfazed by an awesome looking move, Orton charges Cena immediately after the rest period is over, which turns out to be a pretty shitty idea, since Cena just grabs him, puts him on the top rope, and with his tongue sticking out like Michael Jordan, Super Attitude Adjustments him out of his shoes, grabbing up another fall. The tortoise and the hare, Randy. The tortoise and the goddamn hare.

Cena: 3
Orton: 2

Ms.Orton: Legacy runs down to the ring to help out Orton. The ref doesn’t seem very happy about this turn of events, and nicely asks them if they wouldn’t mind vacating the premises. Dibiase, finding the ref to be such a kindly fellow, complies without argument. Oh wait, no. Dibiase hits Dream Street on Cena and does everything short of covering him himself to ensure that Randy gets a fall. It’s a welcome interlude, because Legacy are awesome. I wish they got more involved in the rest of the match, but that meddling Jamaican had to get involved.

Cewsh: The funny thing is that this is all possible because, even though Orton is the world’s most evil prick, he has friends, and Cena, despite being a heck of a nice guy, has made absolutely no friends in all his years in the WWE. Seriously, not one. I mean arguably he nailed Mickie that one time, but I don’t think that’s particularly applicable here. If the man had made some damn friends…oh wait, that meddling Jamaican comes running out to foil all of our wonderful plans, just like Ms. Cewsh…err, I mean Ms. Orton said. Not because he likes Cena, but because he’s pissed at Rhodes. So basically, Cena still has no friends, aside from Lady Luck, who he apparently nails on a nightly basis.

Cena: 3
Orton: 3

Cewsh: After fighting to the stage area, Orton starts wantonly bashing John Cena’s face into objects around the arena, until he gets to a box with a bunch of buttons on it (a real one, not, as I’m sure you imagined, a cardboard box with buttons drawn on it). He slams Cena’s head into it, detonating pyro in the middle of the stage. After Orton takes a moment to clean himself up from the terror, he decides to take out his moment of weakness on Cena, by grabbing him and ramming him full force into the electrified set. Somewhat anticlimactically, Orton gets the pin and takes the lead.

Ms.Orton: I may sound negative, but this match is very enjoyable, and after Orton really takes control, dragging Cena off to the stage, it gets really good. I really like the visual of someone going through a light. I know it’s just pyro, but it’s such a cool shot.

Cena: 3
Orton: 4


Cewsh: Orton, enthralled by the idea of being able to blow things up without even having to invoke the power of Greyskull, experiments with the explosions a few times, and then, being the dastardly villain he is, decides to BLOW JOHN CENA THE FUCK UP. Not having any problem with this, apparently, the referee watches as Orton nails Cena a few times with a chair and positions him perfectly where the explosions have been happening. Then Orton comes back and NOW the ref decides to get in his face. Or to say that he’s awesome and number one, if you look at the picture, its kind of hard to tell how hard he’s actually trying, to stop Randy from killing another human being. Not to mention the production guy who could just, you know, unplug the damn board.

Anyway, Orton presses the button, it doesn’t work. He goes insane and starts slamming on EVERY button and the explosion goes off, but Cena had rolled away just in time.

Ms.Orton: “I’m telling you no!” – the ref

That’s effective, right there. I mean there’s nothing illegal match-wise about blowing up your opponent. I believe a few state and federal lines may be crossed, but ehh. When has that ever stopped the WWE?

Cewsh: Sorry Randy, it wouldn’t have worked for Wile E. Coyote either.


Cewsh: All is starting to look lost for our intrepid hero, Mr. Cena (Cewsh Note: Not Ms. Cewsh or Vice’s hero), when he jumps up, grabs a small package on Orton and holds on for the three count. Now I’m not saying Cena’s no selling is starting to bother me, lots of people do this very thing with small packages. But maybe I would admit that it’s getting a little silly to see him pop up from everything no matter how long Orton beats him up for. MAYBE.

Ms.Orton: Stupid Cena! Why didn’t you blow up!

Cena: 4
Orton: 4

Cewsh: Fed the fuck up with this bullshit, Orton drags Cena to the apron, and hits his delayed DDT as nastily as he ever has, rocking the shit out of the apparently unconscious, John Cena. Cena lays lifeless on the ground as Orton cockily struts about in celebration.

Cena: 4
Orton: 5

Ms.Orton: Orton realizes he’s up and needs to stay up. Because John’s mysteriously gotten his 7th wind, Randy starts trying to run time out. First he bolts back to the stage, where he drops Cena like a sack of potatoes. Then he runs back to other side of the ring. He manages to whittle away a good five minutes, before jumping the rail and high tailing it off into the crowd.

I never like through the crowd chases. The mass of people makes it hard to see, you can’t have a pin, and unless you go into the lobby, you’re just going to end up…back in the ring! Plus, wrestling fans are cockwaffles.


Cewsh: As the clock ticks down with Orton still in the lead by one, Cena kind of loses his shit and goes medieval on Randy Orton’s sexy ass. He beats him all around ringside, knocks him to the ground whenever he tries to get back up, and finally dismissively throws him full speed through the barricade. It looks kind of, um, painful. Just a little bit though. Just a little bit.


Ms.Orton: John? John? Whatcha doin’? Where you going with those stairs, John? Oh. OH! Don’t do that, John. He wasn’t actually going to blow you up! John?


Cewsh: John Cena murders Randy Orton with an Attitude Adjustment through the table from off of the stacked up ring steps. Also, he is apparently Batman.

Cena: 5
Orton: 5

Cewsh: Cena goes for another cover after the rest period, but somehow Orton kicks out, and with only 8 minutes to go, John Cena pulls out a table to finish the job. Ruh roh.

Ms.Cewsh: Stop chanting “We want tables.” You have tables. You are clearly getting tables! You’re a very redundant crowd.


Cewsh: Yeah, that whole table thing doesn’t work out so well for Cena.

Ms.Orton: Haha, serves you right. Also, Randy has an erection and apparently the camera man wants me to know it.

Cewsh: After lovingly placing Orton on the table, and then proceeding to sit on it at high velocity, missing Orton entirely, Cena is pretty much down and out, and with only 5 minutes left to go, everything becomes very, very urgent, as both men know that they need to put together some serious offense, and sooner rather than later.


Cewsh: Just as John Cena begins to build some momentum against Orton, the goddamn ref gets in the way, and gets his ass knocked the fuck out. After trying to revive him, Cena turns around straight into an RKO, but obviously THERE’S NO REF. Finally, about 6 hours later, another ref casual strolls to the ring, Orton pins Cena, 1….2…NO, kickout. Orton doesn’t take this very well, and knocks THAT ref out, leaving us with no refs.

Silly refs, if the heel asks you if it was three, just say yes! What do you care? Its not worth getting punched in the face over.


Cewsh: Randy Orton becomes possessed by Satan.

Ms.Orton: …even I can’t defend that. Eeep!


Cewsh: Unfortunately for the devil, he was up against John Cena.

With the refs out, Orton has a nervous breakdown (see above), until he has a moment of clarity and decides to go for the punt. Unfortunately for Orton and Beelzebub, Cena slides out of the way, and locks him in the STF with about 56 seconds remaining. Orton strains to hold on, strains to take it to overtime, but he can’t see the clock, so he can’t know how much time is left, so with a mere 4 seconds to go until freedom, Orton taps out, giving John Cena the fall, and the victory.



Cena: 6
Orton: 5

Cewsh: Having watched this entire match, I have a jumble of emotions towards it. At various points it was fun, boring, hard hitting, a little weak, fantastic, a little lame, and a million other things that are all wrapped up into one full hour of wrestling. Iron man matches are notoriously difficult to do, because of how hard it is to keep the crowd involved, and there is no way to deny that they did that all the way through, and these two guys have a chemistry that I find it hard to believe that anyone can deny anymore, no matter how little they like either man. Yes, you know what? This was a fucking great match. It takes some thinking in order to wrap your whole mind around the experience as a single match, but greatness is what happened here.

Could it have been better? It’s hard to say, though certain points probably could have been better. Should Orton have won? It’s my opinion that he absolutely should have. But is this one of the best matches this year? Yeah, it really, really is.

90 out of 100

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval

Ms.Cewsh: It’s hard to tell by the notes above, but I absolutely adored this match on first viewing. I was RAPT for the last 10 minutes. And at the end, when my boy lost, I cried like my team lost the Super Bowl. As angry as I am that it happened that way, as much as I truly believe Cena should’ve lost and gone to Smackdown, I can’t deny that I had real emotions that I’m still feeling and talking about two days later. It wasn’t perfect by any stretch, but I have to give it points for grabbing me.

83 out of 100

Sign Girl? Your thoughts?

Ouch, that’s pretty harsh.

John Cena Over Randy Orton Following The STF.



Ms.Cewsh’s Meow:

Ms.Cewsh: Going in, this seemed like it was going to be a pretty blah show. Even the name seemed to skip out of my mind as soon as someone told it to me. At the end, it was one of the best PPVs I’ve seen. Even its clunker matches got main event-esk scores on any other show. I’m not sure if I like how it’s shaped the landscape going forward, but I can’t deny it was an excellent night of wrestling.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 75.6 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Man, I wasn’t sure about this show. I mean, an Iron Man match? I always hate those. And this whole Bragging Rights concept hadn’t sold me 100%. As the show faded to black though, I was buzzing with my desire to see more, and had had a fucking great time watching the entire show. 5 matches, and 3 seals of approval is pretty fucking impressive, and even the mediocre matches in between couldn’t detract from the greatness of this show’s concept and execution. This wasn’t the greatest show I’ve ever seen, but a strong argument could be made for it being the best wrestling show presented anywhere this year. A strong, strong argument.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 77.8 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our coverage of the battle for brand supremacy, and other such things, and I can assure you that if I ever play a video of Orton winning that match in my home again, I might end up on the street, so let’s keep this one on the down low from now on. Luckily to distract us we have a special treat coming up next week. We’re taking a quantum leap back in time to the magical year of 2001, where these two promotions, WWF and WCW collided in a PPV called WWE Invasion. I know, i’ve never heard of the companies anyway, but we’ll try anything once, and maybe, just maybe, we’ll find some topics to talk about along the way. In the meantime, keep reading, and, as always, be good to one another.

You all disgust me.

Mrs. Cewsh: Sunday Supplements is an idea we, (mostly Cewsh,) have been kicking around for awhile. Most of our readers are getting their weekly dose of Cewsh from Rajah a day earlier and a whole lot uglier. But what about those few, (Too few. Subscribe now.) loyal fans who are actually reading this on site?

Sunday Supplements is your gift. It’s a weekly post about whatever the hell we want. Vice made another video of a match synched to an 80’s 1-hit wonder? Sunday Supplement. Cewsh reviewed The Marine 2: This Time Even the Guy from Terminator Turned Us Down? Sunday Supplement! It’ll go in a mostly round robin fashion, starting with the most underutilized member of the team, me! Ms.Cewsh, that is.

My favorite part of running a blog isn’t the fame or the money or even the crowds of men and women screaming for the privilege of being my distraction on those long, lonely nights. No, it’s you. Yes you. I know how you got here. You were really searching for that? That’s illegal in 43 states, you know. I could be guilty by association here! Well if I’m going down, so are the rest of you. In the 6 months since this blog launched, here are the weirdest, sickest, and most illegal things Cewsh Reviews has been a result for in a search engine:

shelley craft nipple (For the Americans: She’s an Aussie actress. For the Aussies: They’re not here. Stop looking.)
tna pants (After the sixth or seventh time this search string came up, I checked it. They’re not affiliated with the wrestling company, I can say that much.)
who’s nailin palin part 1 (At one time, we were the ninth highest result for this. *tear*)
an american tail the mystery of the night monster (Fievel doesn’t deserve to be on a list with such filth!)
kevin james sweat the small stuff (...people search for Kevin James?)
icp interview 2008 (…how COULD you?!?)
big breasted women jumping rope (Trust me, it’s less erotic and more painful.)
girl fucking bowling pin (Spare me. I’m going on strike for having to deal with such gutter minds.)
oblivion moving breasts (Yeah, it doesn’t surprise me that we intersect with video games.)
jelly wrestling contest (At least it’s wrestling related?)
face trample (Not the worst trample porn we’ve come up for, but the one that makes me feel the least bad.)
so cal val feet (Better than her face, I suppose)
real tentacle fuck
funny jokes about octopus
(I’m going to pretend this goes with the one above it.)

alex and crazy chris broke straight boys (I know Alex Shelley and Chris Sabin led to this one. Now you too have that mental image.)
70 year old woman fuck (You can have that mental image too.)
forced lesbian asslicking (Belladonna looking for her own work?)
what does revialry mean (It means you should’ve repeated the third grade.)
download “holy fuck” site:blogspot.com or site:baywords.com (This one isn’t so funny, it’s just oddly specific.)
puffy blubbercunt (Ego fan? Is that you? You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself.)
tna flicks boy fucks his step mother (We are currently the number three result for this.)
weird conjoled twins (What did you cajole them into doing?)

Now this isn’t fair. Just because we were a result in a search engine, sometimes on the eighth-ish page, doesn’t mean our fans are depraved. Oh wait…

daniels and matt morgan killed (This one scared me. If it ever happens, I’m blaming you, Mr.Internet Search Guy)
tom zenk (ZENNNNNNNNNK!)
alex shelley skull fuck video (This is my all time favorite search string. Not, “Has this guy done porn?” it’s “I know this guy has forced a partner to gag on his throbbing man meat, show it to me.”)
big dick (I hope you were looking for Johnson.)
black women who love white dick (…GTFO of life.)
boys getting nails painted (Thursdays at the Cewsh-hold. How did you know?)
daffney boob job wrestler (Do not let Vice catch you talking about Daffney’s boobs.)
elkview adams mom (Oh I’m no good at these. Your mom?)
exhibition penis (Did it wrestle a match, get awarded a scholarship, or go on display in a museum?)
fashion tv nipple slips (“Vito! Vito! Over here! Who are you wearing, Vito!”)
i want to see wwe diva kelly kelly sucking a man prick (Who doesn’t?)
jenna haze old man title (The Legends’ Title scene was getting stale…)
live penis piercing (As opposed to a dead penis?)
randy orton ass (Yes, please!)

shelley craft nipple (They’re not here!)
sojourner bolt wardrobe malfunction (Don’t even say that. It’s like Bloody Mary or the Candyman. It might come true.)
sting scorpiond death lock looks like shit (This isn’t depraved, it’s AWESOME.)
victory fucking womens wrestling (The women’s wrestlers are having a victory fuck post match? Someone named Victory is fucking the whole concept?)
video dwarf wrestling cheese grater (That’s one hell of a cheese grater.)
video free gay men wrestling nude (That’s not called wrestling, son.)

who was the ref in wcw with the mullet (Your mom!)

Those are all actual search strings that not only led to our site, but people actually clicked? And in several cases, stayed to look around? Tsssssss…um yeah. I got nothing.

Don’t fret! We don’t really care how you found us, we’re just happy you did. Besides, those are all actual words on our site. Maybe if we were less profane, or learned to spell “rivalry”, (Cewsh,) we’d get less perverts. Or maybe not. Besides, who hasn’t been up at 4 in the morning and wanted to see a dwarf wrestle a cheese grater?

TNA Bound For Glory 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA Bound For Glory 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the only wrestling review ever contested under “Reviews Count Anywhere” rules. Naturally Ms. Cewsh won with a frying pan, which isn’t entirely fair since she was entirely nude at the time. However, I digress. Welcome to the second biggest review of our reviewing year, TNA’s Bound For Glory 2009! The entire year of planning, fighting, and talking has led to this one night for us (and TNA too, I guess) where we will see the biggest spectacle of TNA’s year. The biggest stars will clash, the biggest feuds will be settled, and the very biggest words in my vocabulary are warmed up and ready. And believe us, it doesn’t take a dermatoglyphics expert (ha!) to see Vince Russo’s hand shaking this proverbial melting pot of spectacle and amazement. What will the mad scientist Vinny Ru have in store for the three of us tonight? Only one way to find out.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: This video can really be broken into two parts. There’s the first part, which is basically a bunch of the same images they roll out for every video like this, set to an awful, generic rap song that had bearing on the show or the performers. Then there’s the second part where they put on a very average, but suitable, video detailing the feuds.

I have to admit to being more than a little disappointed. A year or two ago, TNA’s production team was producing really great, riveting stuff that got me hyped for their shows, and now it seems like the same video package is rolled out every single month. It’s not a huge factor on its own, but it certainly does nothing to make me think this is the biggest show of the year. Status quo is not a status symbol.

And it totally lacked Eric Young in a mime outfit. Which was the premise for the greatest opening video of all time.

Segment 2 – America. Fuck Yeah.

Cewsh: So now we get Zack Wylde from the band Black Label Society, and a legitimately awesome dude, out to play the National Anthem. While you may suspect that this would be somewhat counter intuitive, since TNA has never made a big deal out of the national anthem, or connections to the metal scene, Zack does his best to play a riffy version of America’s song, while the video monitor shows us pictures of things that are in America.

When WWE does this, I don’t mind. It comes off as genuine because Vince and the WWE have always been staunch patriots and they do service for the military with their yearly Christmas show. It’s like they’re honoring something. Here it just seems like somebody decided that getting a famous person to do the national anthem is just what you do at a big event, and with Zack just sort of standing near the announce tables, this was neither moving, nor fun to watch. But, on the other hand, Zack Wylde could murder me with his pinky, so in another, more accurate way, this was awesome.

Ms.Cewsh: I’m not much of a patriot, but it seems really wrong to disrespect the national anthem this way. I’ve heard some pretty good versions of the song on guitar; sadly this is not one of them. It’s so distorted and improvised that large portions of it are completely unintelligible.

If you must do something along these lines, however, it’s best if you attempt not to capture portions of the audience looking bored, amused, and worst, disgusted. Guess which part of the equation TNA forgets?

Segment 3 – TNA X Division Championship – Ultimate X Match – Amazing Red © vs. Christopher Daniels vs. Suicide vs. Homicide vs. Alex Shelley vs. Chris Sabin.

Ms.Cewsh: A poem, to Suicide.

Suicide, please just die. Everything about you makes me cry. Perhaps someday a kid will buy, The message that you supply, And on that day, they will try,

This match was advertised as an Ultimate X match, maybe for the number one contendership, maybe for the prestige of hanging from some rickety scaffoldings? Regardless, Amazing Red, whom is neither amazing nor particularly red since he has almost no hair, joined the match three days before the show, making it a basically-unpublicized title match. Then, because of a family emergency, D’Angelo Dinero dropped out of the match the morning of. They did a little match pre-show and added both of the Motor City Machine Guns in his place.

This set-up is so you can truly understand the next statement. No one in this match knows what the hell they’re doing. They know the spots, but they don’t know what to do between them. There’s a lot of needless standing around. Guys disappear and reappear with even less reason than normal. The match comes off as very clunky and kind of amateur.

Towards the end, Daniels and Suicide appear to actually get hurt. This almost makes me sorry for my little poem, but not enough to take it out. I don’t know if that affected the finish, but I’m sure it must have. After a match that just sort of lingered everywhere, the end was rushed, short, and devoid of any tension. I hate to dock a match for having an injury and a family emergency, but….


Vice: First off, it should be noted that Tazz has the dumbest sunglasses I’ve ever seen.

DON WEST!!! It’s really good seeing him again. He was always a fun commentator, but he was becoming really fucking amazing right before Tazz (and his stupid sunglasses) came in to replace him at the desk. Ugh. I hate you, Tazz. WEST IS BEST. But hey, being Amazing Red’s promoter is pretty awesome and gives him some camera time. Plus it hides Amazing Red’s inability to do anything but flip around.

This match has a lot of cool people in it, and it’s actually for the title and not some number one contender bullshit that it originally might have been. Call me old fashioned, but I only really like it when belts are hung high. Screw giant red X’s, screw clipboards, screw everything else. Except piñatas. I wouldn’t mind those being hung up.

Before I start rambling about the match itself, it should also be noted that the Ultimate X trusses are like sticks of bamboo that are painted silver. The whole structure is incredibly wobbly, and is actually quite terrifying to watch. It just looks so dangerous. It’s because the main X at the top is going to be used for the ladder match later on in the evening (yes, I know), so the trusses are kind of loosely attached and are being supported by cables instead of being bolted to the floor/ring posts. So yes, very dangerous looking. If I was there in attendance, I’d be afraid of the structure falling on me. If I was actually wrestling in the match, I’d check my contract to see if there is hazard pay.

It’s good that they’re out of the Impact zone for this show, because not only does it feel bigger, but it’s a better crowd.

This match right here is your basic spotfest match that TNA can really excel at. You have a ton of fast, good workers with an arsenal of ridiculous moves, and they all just go at it 110% with the only downtime being for setting up big (and relatively contrived) spots. Who cares, though, ‘cause this match was just fun as hell to watch, even if it doesn’t really mean a goddamn thing. This was by far the best way they could have opened up the show, which TNA is generally very good at.

Aaand now the finish…

With Daniels, Suicide and Red all climbing to the very top of the structure, I am seriously horrified at what might become of this, knowing how insane the people of TNA can be. The crowd begins a “PLEASE DON’T DIE!” chant as the trusses sway with every movement from the wrestlers. Fans used to chant this in ROH when Paul London would climb a ladder. It felt fitting back then due to the insanity of London, but compared to this, it’s like a headlock getting that chant. Someone could have legitimately been killed or crippled for life here.

Fortunately everyone comes away unscathed for the most part. Daniels takes one of the most dangerous looking bumps I’ve ever seen, and holy fuck it could have gone wrong. If Suicide didn’t twist Daniels down on top of him as they were falling, in an amazing last second head’s up clutch move, Daniels would have dropped 15-20 feet and landed directly onto his skull. Even with Suicide’s effort, Daniels JUST avoided death. It was scary to watch. With Daniels’ amazing ability to sell death, I was actually thinking he was severely injured until I went back and watched it frame by frame and seeing him not die. Phew.

Insert Wile E. Coyote Sound Effects.

Red slips through the trusses, lands on the ropes, fights off both of the Machine Guns and takes away the belt for the retain. Boy could this show have been off to a terrible start had ANYTHING gone even slightly wronger than it already did. Jesus.

Cewsh: Wow, what an incredible mess.

With Dinero out of the match, as Ms. Cewsh said for family troubles, and less than a day to put a new match together, what they seem to have come up with was not a match. They came up with spots, and a match is what I have to call it because it’s taking place inside of a ring. Now I have no problem with spotfests. Spotfests can be awesome. However, even when you’re having a match based on high spots, it helps to at least pretend that it’s still a match that somebody wants to win, and this is so blatantly about a bunch of wrestlers doing moves so that they can go home that it gets painful to watch. Since this match is about the spots, though, let’s cover two:

Suicide, who we aren’t supposed to know is Frankie Kazarian, hits the fucking Flux Capacitor, which is not only Kazarian’s finishing move, but its one that have been shown on TNA videos for years being performed by someone with a very similar build and style as Suicide. TNA isn’t exactly the CIA here, and are about as good at keeping a secret as my grandmother after a few drinks.

Then there’s the truly memorable spot here. See, the scaffolding extends a few feet above the ropes holding the title belt. Daniels and Suicide decide to climb it and then perch on the ropes below and then duke it out. It looks like Daniels is going for the Lights Out (Reverse Rock Bottom) and I’m not sure where they going to go with that, but I think it wasn’t supposed to result in Daniels being dropped directly on his head from 15 feet above the ring and then lying completely still for the remainder of the match as Red scurries to grab the title and end it, and everyone quickly leaves the ring and changes the subject. Even Don West runs in, looking solemn and terrified, which says all you really need to know.

We see these guys do death defying stuff all the time, but it isn’t until something like this happens that you realize how tenuous all of this really is. A guy like Daniels, who has busted his ass for years and years to be somebody, is in this mess of a match and gets dropped on his head from off of some damn scaffolding, for absolutely no reason.

I have to give Suicide credit for protecting him as well as he could and probably saving his life (Cewsh Note: Daniels escaped with a separated shoulder and severe neck bruising), but what were they doing up there to begin with? With the lack of preparation time, the sloppiness of the construction (the ropes and scaffolding were frequently waving back and forth ominously, and the ropes sagged dangerously when Daniels and Suicide were on it), and the pressure to top all of the previous matches combined to make a perfect storm that damn near got a man seriously, seriously injured.

I can’t blame it on any of these guys, and the match was fine before this and deserves an honest score, but as far as opening matches go, this killed the crowd, absolutely murdered them, and it just didn’t need to be this way.

65 out of 100.

Amazing Red Over Everybody Else Following An Uncomfortable Event.
Segment 4 – A Goblin In Pink Is Still A Goblin. But Cuter.

Cewsh: The Beautiful People are backstage talking, and looking so made up that they’re pretty much a tail and some dancing away from being at the Cats cast party. Then there’s the fact that Madison Rayne stood next to Lacey Von Erich and basically looked like a goblin in comparison.

Ahh! Shoot it! SHOOT IT!

Velvet cuts a promo on Wilde and Sarita which is fine, and then Rayne cuts one which is terrible. Then, Lacey says 2 sentences. Which is probably a good thing.
Oh Rayne, Rayne, go away. Never come back to TNA.

Segment 5 – Do Not Feed The Wilde Saritas.

Cewsh: Hey, these two ladies are dressed alike, I guess that makes them a tag team. It doesn’t matter if they have any chemistry in the ring or any notable personality alone or together, so long as you have matching, brightly colored outfits.

Worked for the Hart Foundation anyway. BOO YEAH.

They talk for a moment, before Sarita launches into a promo in Spanish that neither Borash or Wilde appear to understand and then they march to the ring, but not before Wilde breaks character and waves at the camera. Sigh.

Segment 6 – TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship – The Canadian (Cewsh Loving) Cockteases © vs. The Beautiful (Extremely Debatable) People.

Cewsh: This match was absolute garbage.

I know that people say that I should be nicer to women’s wrestling and the Knockouts in particular, and I am fully willing to be, should they put on the matches that they are conceivably capable of. I loved Tara/Love, all of the Kim/Kong matches, and I’ve even liked matches featuring Wilde and Sarita. Apparently that wasn’t going down this week though, because this match was abject shit, Nobody had any chemistry with anybody, and the match seemed to depend entirely on the skills at storytelling of Velvet Sky who, while she tries her best, isn’t capable of that role.

This would be a better show with 10 minutes of pictures of the participants inserted into a slideshow and set to Michael Bolton’s Greatest Hits.

35 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: The Beautiful People come to the ring, with a slightly more demure entrance than I’ve seen, and I’m a little hopeful. Then, Lacey bribes the ref with a kiss to be allowed to stay at ringside. Of course, the Beautiful People aren’t just heels because they’re bitches, they’re also heels because they’re whores! It’s OK for a woman to tease, (Taylor’s showing more skin than Madison,) but as soon as she goes farther… Lacey gets comfortable, but then an older ref with absolutely no affiliation to the match runs down and sexually assaults her. It’s OK, she was asking for it! As she looks disgusted, but tries to regain control of the situation, the announcers declare she must’ve liked it! Of course, then the older ref ejects Lacey from ringside anyway. Hahaha, isn’t misogyny hilarious?

Also, the match sucks.


Vice: Taylor Wilde not only has a name suited for pornography, but her attire has arrows pointed downwards on both the front and back. Like.. hey, if you’re facing me from this direction you’re allowed to shove it in here! And if you’re seeing the other arrow, you can put it there! I didn’t need to explain that, did I?

Lacey is horribly clumsy. First she dipshits herself on Impact, and now she can’t even exit the ring without tripping over herself. I guess since Angelina is gone, they needed a third person. I mean, there is already Third Girl, but I guess she’s been promoted to Second Girl. Eh. Third Girl still.

Short. Nothing fancy, but it did its job. Women’s tag titles are kind of stupid, but they’re doing a good job with them I suppose. At match’s end, Taylor seems to have been knocked silly. Not much else to say.

The Canadian Cockteases Over The Beautiful People With A Dropkick/German Suplex.
Segment 7 – Kevin Nash Is Rich, Gullible.

Cewsh: So Nash and Young are backstage talking about how they’re banding together in the triple threat match up next so that Nash can keep his Legends title, and Young can take care of Hernandez with some backup. Kevin Nash, apparently having not learned anything from his 20 years in wrestling, apparently completely trusts Eric Young to hold up his end of this and has absolutely no doubts whatsoever.

I thought we were supposed to think Nash was smart?

Segment 8 – TNA Legends Championship – Kevin (The World’s Sexiest Grandpa) Nash © vs. Eric (Sneaky, Sneaky) Young vs. (His Or) Hernandez.

Cewsh: Watching your fiancé drool over a man old enough to be your dad and then some, is pretty disturbing. Knowing that he’s awesome than you’ll ever be is worse. Knowing that, nearing 50, he’s in better shape than I will ever be made me put down my beer. But only for a second. Let’s not get crazy.

This match was set out to be a handicap match from the start, as Young and Nash team up together to take out Hernandez. Surprisingly, it actually STAYS a handicap match past the first 30 seconds, which may be some kind of record for a triple threat match. Nash and Young continue to wear Hernandez down, while Hernie does a good job of firing up and looking impossible to keep down no matter what the do to him. He fights back, and fights back, and fights back, but inevitably they shut him down every time, and go back to working as a team. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe Young and Nash might actually stick to the plan. Maybe the swerve here is that there won’t be a…

Oh wait, Young just rammed Hernandez’s huge biscuit head into Nash’s junk and beat him for the title. Hmm. Well so much for that then.

Regardless of whether or not I was right, (totally was) this was still a really strong match. All three guys brought their A game in a way that nobody on the show so far really had, and the triple threat set up let Nash really look like a killer, without exposing his relative lack of mobility. Everyone looks strong here, and Eric Young gets to go on looking like a million bucks, and continue his startling rise to excellence. Good work from all the guys involved, without a doubt. Hopefully the show can keep up the momentum.

75 out of 100.

Vice: I’m not thrilled by Hernandez returning to his old attire, but it’s not like it’s bad attire. Hopefully it’s not a sign of what’s to come with future booking.

The match was better than it had any right to be. Clever finish. Not sure about EY getting the Legends title, but whatever. We’ll see where it goes from here.

Ms.Cewsh: The set-up for this match makes less than no sense. OK, Kurt put a bounty out on Eric. Nash loves money, so he answered. Eric then very publicly offered Nash twice what Angle was going to pay him. Nash then ACCEPTED, like he’s not in a stable with Angle and that’s not going to piss anyone in the MEM off. Eric then proceeded to get Nash to put his title up for no reason, with the promise that it wouldn’t matter, Nash will retain. So… why’s the title on the line? It couldn’t be because Eric’s a heel and not the most trustworthy person? *gaspshockawe* Never mind that neither Eric Young nor Hernandez is a legend, nor that having a Legends’ Title is a dumb idea anyway.

The match was frustrating. If two heels team up against a face, the face should feel like the underdog. I can buy him making a huge comeback, even winning, once the heels have started infighting. I can’t buy Hernandez running circles around everyone before the backstabbing even begins.

I completely disagree with Cewsh. After then end, Nash doesn’t look like a killer and no one looks particularly good. Why did Eric win? Nash looks like an idiot, Eric gets a belt he doesn’t deserve, Hernandez becomes an afterthought…. Plus, plus!, the match is won with a low blow, making Nash look like a crying baby. Low blows are not finishers!

Whatever. Nash is super hot.


Eric Young Over Everybody Following A Low Blow To Kevin Nash.
Segment 9 – The British Play Peacemakers? Impossible!

Cewsh: Backstage, Booker T and Scott Steiner are getting into it with Beer Money, when the British Invasion shows up, calms everybody down, and convinces them all that the best chance for everyone to win is going to be to take out Team 3D due to all of their Tables Ladders and Chairs experience. That experience, of course, was pretty much all 10 years and 100 pounds ago, but he makes a solid point and everybody agrees to take out Team 3D to even the playing field.

Crafty Brits. Clearly they’d rule the world if they weren’t all murdering each other over which football (soccer) team is better than the others. Which is obviously daft, since we all know that Captain Planet and the Planeteers are the world’s greatest soccer team.

On His Way To Make Beckham His Bitch.
Segment 10 – TNA World Tag Team Championships and IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Championships – Full Metal Mayhem – Team Ebony And Ivory (Booker T and Scott Steiner) © vs. Team Union Jacks (Doug Williams and Brutus Magnus) © vs. Team Supersize It (Brother Ray and Brother Devon) vs. Team Too Good For This (Robert Roode and James Storm).

Cewsh: Hear me out here, true believers, because what I’m about to say is intensely hard to believe. Occasionally, I am wrong. I know, I know, it doesn’t seem that way since I’m so often absolutely correct about everything from whether or not John Cena is talented (he is) to what color shirt looks best on you (red). However, sometimes I say things and then they are incorrect, and in this case I said loud and long that this match was going to be garbage. Just absolutely unwatchable trash the likes of which haven’t been seen since Full House went off the air.

I was wrong.

This match is simply fantastic. These four teams combine to do things with ladders and tables that take me straight back to the original TLC matches where those things were so unique and refreshing. The miraculous thing is, though, that not only was this a great clusterfuck spotfest, but that they actually told a story here that was not only good, it actually got me to cheer for Team 3D, a hitherto impossible feat. The idea is that Team 3D had the advantage, and they needed to be removed from the match right away, and so when the match started, the other three teams did exactly that. They beat Ray and Devon all over the arena until they stayed the hell down and then turned to the business of beating the ever loving fuckshit out of each other.

A ton of spots follow, including a spinarooni from Booker and a Frankensteiner from Scott that get ENORMOUS fucking pops from the crowd. In fact, for most of the middle part of this match, Steiner completely steals the show by suplexing everyone all over the fucking place and staying in the mix at all times, further driving home just how underrated a guy he is these days. Unfortunately for him, though, Booker T gets himself injured, and he’s the odd man out from that point on.

With Team 3D and The Mafia out of the picture, Beer Money and The British Invasion go to town on each other, involving a lot of playing on top of ladders. From sunset flip powerbombs, to ugly, ugly looking ladder suplexes that almost land guys on their head, these guys do their best to bring the high flying drama, and despite the fact that this isn’t the kind of match these guys are known for, all 8 of them really work together to make it special. As the crowd starts to really get into it, Team 3D make their way back to the ring, finally, and start laying waste to everything in front of them.

Every motherfucker in the room goes through a table, Zack Wylde hits Brutus Magnus with a chair on Brother Ray’s behalf (and doesn’t spill his beer), and Brother Devon manages to claim the IWGP Tag titles before he is stopped from getting the other ones as well, with both sets of belts represented above the ring. How is he stopped? Fucking Rhino of all people shows up and decides to revisit a completely forgotten about grudge and hit him with a chair a bunch of times before wandering off. Let me make this clear, RHINO RUINS EVERYTHING.

The match continues on, and its down to Beer Money and The British Invasion. They go back and forth, ramping up the intensity of the moment, until Rob Terry runs in, throws Roode through a table, and walks Doug Williams up the ladder to claim the belt and the titles.

Now this result made a ton of sense, since New Japan was having none of anybody but Team 3D holding their titles, and the Invasion are the smart choice with Booker and Steiner probably soon off to greener pastures. That was smart, and so was a lot about this match, which managed to steal the show by being everything that the Ultimate X match wasn’t. Namely exciting, story filled, and meaningful. Apparently you don’t have to be able to do flips to make a ladder match feel special. I think that’s a lesson well worth learning boys and girls. And that lesson is that RHINO RUINS EVERYTHING. That fucking guy could ruin a cat macro.

See? Terrible.

77 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: I was dreading this match, but it actually turned out to be quite good. I’m not sure why it and Ultimate X needed to be on the same show, as they have the same gimmick, but I was pleasantly surprised.

The story of this match is similar to the last, in that a bunch of heels are going to team up to beat on the poor, weak faces. Unlike the Legends’ Match, it works because the heels’ strategy immediately deteriorates with the prospect of gold. It doesn’t seem out of place when the Dudley’s make their big comeback.

It wasn’t the greatest wrestled match, and it might have gone a smidge long, but my only real complaint is the run-in by Rhino. Really? It’s already an 8-man match for two titles, but that’s not exciting enough so we’ll have a run-in? Otherwise, I thought the spots were good, the story made sense, and at least everyone knows how to do a damn transition.


Vice: So with an Ultimate X match earlier on tonight, do we really need another spotfest match with hanging belts needing to be brought down?

Booker T apparently dies and gets stretchered out. The most telling thing about TNA clusterfucks being too much of a clusterfuck is one little snippet of a line that came out of Tazz’s mouth: “What happened to him?”

What did happen to him?

Doug Williams gets thrown through a table. The camera catches him sneakily looking around, completely no selling the damage with his facial expression (even though his body still looks wrecked), which totally fucking irritated me. Rhino does this shit all the time. They take a massive hit, but don’t realize that the camera is pointed at their face.. so they get caught just waiting there for the next thing to happen. It’s very exposing and is a giant pet peeve of mine. ALWAYS ASSUME THE CAMERA IS STARING RIGHT AT YOU AND STAY IN CHARACTER.

Speaking of Rhino.. it’s like we’ve traveled back in time.

Apparently Team 3D becomes IWGP champions. Obviously there is no celebration.

Brutus Magnus dies after a sick looking double suplex off the ladders.

Again, the match was better than it probably should have been, but that’s not really saying a heck of a lot. When you have tables, ladders, chairs, and a bunch of people willing to die for a “THIS IS AWESOME!!” chant.. yeah, it’s going to be a decently fun match. With some bits of good storytelling, continuity, legit strategy, and hard work, it separates itself entirely from the Ultimate X from earlier.

It’s another praise I must give TNA. They can book tons of similar matches with similar styles and feels to them, but they put the right participants in the matches and the matches are totally different.

Also, Steiner was on fucking FIRE this match. Seriously, fuck all of you people that don’t think he’s still got it. The guy can barely move and apparently has to spend upwards of an hour before a match stretching and preparing, and he outperforms the young lads with perfectly healthy bodies. It shows his heart and dedication to the sport. He’s not just some old fart who goes out to collect a paycheck. He’s still a solid worker, and is a better talent than at least half of the TNA roster. That says a lot.

Team 3D and The British Invasion Win The IWGP and TNA World Tag Team Championships Respectively.
Segment 11 – TNA Knockouts Championship – O(vertly)D(estructive)B(ooking) © vs. Awesome (At One Point) Kong vs. Tara(ble Booking).

Vice: Spiders are arachnids, Tazz. Arachnids.

In the middle of the match, there’s some “shoot” stuff that goes on with Tara. It wasn’t that interesting, nor did it really accomplish a heck of a lot, and worst of all, the fans really didn’t give half a shit about it. Luckily they got right back into the match when ODB started throwing Kong around. ODB eventually kicks out of the Implant Buster to get a MASSIVE pop and an ODB chant. ODB is totally over and consistently keeping the fans in the match. ODB was on fire when she first joined TNA and was a driving force behind the once excellent Knockouts division. Then after becoming incredibly stale and mailing it in, she’s given the title in a ridiculous storyline, but it totally lit a fire under her ass and she’s sending a message to everyone.

The match could have been pretty bad, but it was saved by ODB. Fucking AWESOME finish, too. It’s a simple enough finish with Super Burka sliding a chair in front of Kong, only for it to backfire horribly. However, it’s a spot that can easily go wrong, as the past has shown us. Sometimes chairs do not slide as far as they need to. Sometimes they slide too far, bounce off a foot and land in the wrong position. Sometimes the timing is awful and it quickly becomes a mess. This was done perfectly though, and looked amazing. With Kong not being happy, I can’t imagine Super Burka being around much longer, especially with Alyssa Flash getting more involved in the Knockouts division.

This was just well done.

“Oh my god. Holy backfire there, Batman!”, sayeth Tazz. Thank you Tazz.

Ms.Cewsh: And here we are, right back to shit. First off, Tara is old. Oh Ms.Cewsh, she’s not THAT old! She’s not even 40! Really? ODB and Kong are the next oldest women currently wrestling in the Knockouts’ division. Tara is 7 years older than them. It shows.

Second, I like Kong. I really do. I think she’s really talented, a great addition to the roster, and surprisingly agile for her size. Why isn’t she manhandling these two? Why isn’t she manhandling EVERYONE?! Does anyone else remember when she was unstoppable? Did you know she hasn’t won a PPV match since Destination X? Yeah.

Finally, this match wasn’t as bad as I was expecting…right up until Tara’s altercation with a “fan”. It brought the match to a halt. Why? Why would neither woman still in the ring take advantage of the other being distracted? It doesn’t make sense! Worse still, it brought the crowd to a halt. Tara runs off to the back to cry, and it becomes a singles match. The singles part isn’t bad. Tara comes back, but doesn’t really do anything. Raisha Saeed comes out and costs Kong the match. Good, maybe she’ll finally drop the gimmick and wrestle as Alyssa full time. Between the brawl with the “fan”, Tara’s apparent hissy fit, and the interference, the pace of the match was shot. Pick one crazy and stick with it.

Not directly related to the match, but Raisha is a heel. She’s a heely heely heel heel heel. TNA is promoting breast cancer awareness by having some wrestlers wear pink wrist bands. As a great big fat heel, Raisha should not be wearing a wrist band. How can I hate her when we both hate boobie cancer? I can’t. It completely takes me out of her character.


Cewsh: There was a news item floating around that ODB had changed her Facebook job info to: Looking For Work, and basically saying she was released. Unfortunately, her account was hacked and it wasn’t true. It so wasn’t true that she beat Awesome Kong here. Sigh.

Anyway, the stories here were Tara randomly duking it out with some chick in a way that totally ruined the flow of the match and brought everything to a standstill, and the fact that Raisha Saide cost Kong the match, meaning that she might get to stop playing the character soon. The first is bad, the second is good.

Those are all the words that I am dedicating to this match.

35 out of 100.

ODB Over Everybody Following Shenanigans.
Segment 12 – The College Educated, Bad Gimmick Liberated, Giant With His DNA In Space.

Cewsh: Matt Morgan cuts a promo backstage that basically centers around how much better he is than Kurt Angle. It’s a good promo, which has become the norm for Morgan, and it really makes you think of what WWE missed out on with this guy. I mean, his gimmick when they introduced him to the masses after he had been high profile on Tough Enough was that he stuttered. Everyone who watch Tough Enough knew that he didn’t stutter, but he just randomly started. Man, people can say what they want about WWE and I’ll defend them a lot of the time, but fuck, they missed out on this guy.

Segment 13 – Submission Match – Bobby (SQUEE!) Lashley vs. Samoa (The Boxer?) Joe.

Cewsh: Believe me when I tell you that this match is a disappointment before it ever begins.

As recently as a year ago, if you had told me that I would be getting Bobby Lashlye against Samoa Joe at Bound For Glory, I would have given you my money no matter how tenuous your connection to TNA was, or what alleyway you came out of. There aren’t a lot of dream matches left in wrestling, but in my mind, that was always one of them. Fast forward to now and Bobby Lashley has been booked so poorly that even I have trouble caring about what he’s doing, and Samoa Joe has gone from the fastest rising star in wrestling, to a guy wrestling midcard matches just to get his credibility back. The fall of these two men, Joe especially, is so drastic that it defies belief, and they have one hell of an uphill climb to get me interested in this match.

The match gets started and right off the bat, the crowd let’s everyone at home know exactly where they stand, showering the wrestlers with chants of “Joe’s Gonna Kill You”, “Lashley Sucks” and “Let’s Go Joe, Let’s Go.” Two of which are purely incorrect. Then they go through a lot of moves like takedowns and armbars designed to get over that this match has MMA connotations, and then, well, some other stuff happens. Nothing really leads anywhere, and as a result the match winds up feelings like filler. Then we get to the ending. Lashley locks in the Anaconda Vice, and the referee calls for the bell, despite the fact that Joe did not tap, and nobody bothers to explain anything.

Did TNA just steal the finish to Punk/Taker from Breaking Point?

Ugh, this match was so plain and weak sauce that it borders on the pathological. That these two guys could be reduced to having a boring match on a show without much keeping them from stealing the night, in a match conceptually catered to them is a poor reflection on both men, and on the booking that got them here. I always used to demand to know where my Lashley was. Now wherever he was can have him back. He was probably better off there.

50 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Why does everyone in TNA have a nickname? And why do the announcers feel the need to say those nicknames every three seconds? Hey, did you know “The Boss” Bobby Lashley was facing “The Samoan Submission Machine” Samoa Joe? It’s true! It was right after “The Blueprint” Matt Morgan cut his promo! Earlier, “The War Machine” Rhino interfered in the tag match! (Seriously, why were they talking about Rhino two matches later, and do we have so many Rhinos running around that we always need to qualify which is which?)

Despite what the crowd thought, Lashley was the face in this match. The ref apparently screwed Joe in the finish and Lashley let it happen without a word. That’s a very face thing to do Bobby. I’m sure your wife was very proud of you.


Vice: This was a fun exhibition style match of sort. Joe is the submission machine and Lashley is now doing MMA, so clearly they need to have a submission match. What sets this apart from most submission matches though, is that both men have a ton of submissions. Joe has shown that he can chain wrestle quite well, and Lashley is obviously Captain Amateur. Amateur wrestling, of course, ‘cause I don’t want Cewsh killing me in my sleep. So instead of each man just wrestling the match like a normal match, and then going for their one key submission, they have a thousand submissions and they all vary. Some are kind of “crappy” submissions that don’t do a lot of damage, but force the opponent to struggle to get out of them, exhausting what fuel they have left in the tank. Some are designed to weaken body parts so that later they can lock in something more dangerous to get the submission, hoping the other person is too weak to break it.

It’s a surprisingly fluid, fun match with both men showing what they’ve got. However, there’s no real story. No real meat to it. It doesn’t really last long (which is somewhat believable). It’s just there. That’s not to say it was bad, but it didn’t have that ZOMG EPIC feel to it which it could have had.

Segment 14 – Mick Foley Is Making Me Uncomfortable.

Cewsh: Listen I get that the idea with Mick Foley is that he’s a nice guy who goes crazy and does stuff with barbed wire sometimes, but the jumping back and forth wildly with no transition or reason is kind of turning me off of the character. He’s going to go cripple Abyss, so he puts a Breast Cancer awareness band on his leg? He wants to show he’s crazy so he awkwardly fake laughs for awhile? And this whole thing was touched off because Abyss accidentally knocked a picture off of a wall?

It get what he’s going for here, I’m just not sure WHY he’s going for it.

On the other hand though, he looks damn good in leopard print tights.

Segment 15 – Monster’s Ball – Abyss(al Plans Are Nice This Time Of Year) vs. Mick (On Comeback #12) Foley w/ Special Referee Dr. (Note: Not Licensed Physician) Stevie.

Cewsh: The first table bump of this match occurs less than 3 minutes in when Abyss gets thrown through the stage and Foley jumps in after him.

I’m not telling you this because it’s a good or a bad thing, but I think you know whether or not you want to see it based on what kind of matches you like based on that sentence alone. For me, personally, this is not my style of match. I can enjoy a hardcore match for what it is and get into it if there’s a story attached, but there are legions of people just creaming themselves over the idea of seeing these guys bleed rivers of blood and get set on fire, and that’s really not my style. With that said, no two people in the world right now do it better than these two guys, so let’s see what these rascals get themselves into.

The match starts off with Foley attacking Abyss with the barbed wire as Abyss is walking to the ring. This quickly moves to the stage where they climb the set and Abyss and Foley take the aforementioned table bump. Nonplussed by this activity, they saunter back to the ring and do some brawling, all the while Dr. Stevie and Mick are conspiring to make things very tricky indeed for Abyss, as he gets hit with weaponry and dropped on top barbed wire too many times to count. Foley brings out the thumbtacks that he barred Abyss from being able to use, and Dr. Stevie puts the kibosh on Abyss’ attempt to circumvent this obviously skewed rule, displaying the kind of objectiveness usually reserved for discussions about John Cena on internet message boards.

Eventually though, this doesn’t fly with Abyss anymore and he starts fighting back. First by giving Dr. Stevie the Shock Treatment backbreaker which always looks amazing, then he moves on to slam Foley on the barbed wire board. Then Daffers runs in, and as Vice looks on in horror, Abyss chokeslams her ass off the turnbuckle through a barbed wire table at ringside, breaking her arm (accidentally) and trapping her in barbed wire (probably not so much.) Abyss gets shocked in the dick with a tazer AGAIN (the man needs to wear a cup), but no sells it this time, gives Dr. Stevie a vicious Black Hole Slam into the thumbtacks. Up gets Foley, down goes Foley to a chokeslam on the barbed wire board, and to sum things up nicely, Abyss grabs Stevie’s unconscious body, drags him over, grabs his hand, and counts to three for himself, proving himself to be inexpressibly hardcore.

Like I said before, this isn’t my style of match. The Daffney bump made me cringe, not cheer, Abyss’ bladejob seemed unnecessary, and the barbed wire board seemed to serve little purpose. These are relatively small quibbles though, because this was a fun ass match and I enjoyed the hell out of it. Is it going to get a high rating? No, not really, but high rating or no, this was a match that you wouldn’t regret seeing, I think. If all hardcore matches were like this, I might just have to change my mind.

76 out of 100.

Vice: Aaah. Here we go. Mick Foley, the master of the death match and doing all kinds of crazy shit. Abyss, the TNA version of the master of the death match and doing all kinds of crazy shit. The difference is that Mick Foley is the best because he’s smart and knows what to do, when to do it, and why it needs to be done. Abyss does crazy shit because he feels he needs to do it to keep his job, even though I’m sure he has a job for life in TNA, even if he never touched a thumbtack again.

This is a pretty crazy match, with all kinds of ridiculous shit going on. I actually really liked the majority of it, even though I feel incredibly guilty for doing so. Why, I’m not sure.

The worst part of the match, at least in my eyes, is Daffers’ interference. Not only does her super disgusting bump not even get picked up properly by TNA’s less than stellar camera crew, but she ends up getting herself knocked completely silly with a concussion and a broken arm. This makes Vice a very sad panda. Get better, Daffers. I love you.

There was a major flub-up during this match. Abyss gets laid out and Foley goes for the pin. Another ref slides in, and he smacks the canvas with his left hand instead of his right. You can tell that he just fucked himself, and looks very confused for a brief second, then starts counting the pin with his right hand. Abyss kicks out at 2.83 if you’re going by his right hand counting. If you add the left hand count in, which I’m not sure we should, Abyss kicked out at 3.83, which clearly should have ended the match. The refs hover over the wrestlers’ upper bodies while making pin-counts partially to check shoulders during pins, but ALSO so that the wrestlers can see the hand coming down to time kickouts. When it’s super noisy in the arena, you might not be able to hear the pin as it’s being done, so the wrestlers watch the ref’s hand. I’m guessing Abyss didn’t see the left hand go down or something. Anyway, it just looked really awkward, and the commentary afterward didn’t help at all. They were totally confused and thinking it was 3, ‘cause they knew it was fucked up. It reminded me of JR during a Chris Masters match. One.. two…………………….. *kickout* ..th– no! Then JR makes a comment about how Masters was asleep at the wheel. It was amusing.

Lots of blood. Lots of violence. Lots of weapons. It felt big. Good ending, too. What’s not to like?

Ms. Cewsh:

Cewsh Note: *Ms.Cewsh chose to boycott this match after the amount of blood in the lead-up video made her sick*

Segment 16 – Kurt Angle Forgot Which Match He Was In. So Did I.

Cewsh: Kurt Angle is backstage talking about how awesome he is because he was seconds away from beating AJ Styles on Impact when time expired. Then he kind of backhandedly compliments Morgan, says he’ll beat him and wanders off.

I’m not sure if this is supposed to be a blood feud or what, which it probably ought to be since Kurt thinks Morgan cost him his beloved title, but Angle seems awfully calm and collected for a guy wrestling the guy who cost him the main event slot at the biggest match of the year when things that have caused Kurt Angle to go ballistic in the past have included:

Puppies. York Peppermint Patties. Sunny Days. His Own Reflection.

Does Kurt think this is a triple threat match for the title? Because I’ve gotta tell you, that would make this make much more sense.

Segment 17 – Matt (The Next Big Thing) Morgan vs. Kurt (Hates Mirrors) Angle.

Cewsh: The future against the present. The giant against the legend. The stubble against the stubble. These guys have been feuding ever since Joe joined the Mafia at Slammiversary, so it was about time we got our first one on one match between them. Nothing is really at stake other than pride, but this is one of those cases where a match is designed less to be storycentric, and more to make a star out of a guy in one night.

These guys come to the ring, and immediately this match has the big match feel that nothing before it on this show has pulled off. They get started and immediately Morgan starts trying to impose his will on Angle with his hugely superior power game. He tosses Angle around a bit, but Angle, ever the wily veteran, keeps him at bay, making him cool his heels while he waits outside the ring, getting Morgan more and more frustrated. Then, when Angle turns on the jets, it catches Morgan unawares, putting him in a deep hole as Angle unloads all the offense he knows on Morgan’s legs, trying to take his foundation out from under him. It works like a charm, but even though Morgan is severely hampered by the injury, he still throws Angle around with effortless ease, looking like an absolute scary monster in the process, and really making it look like Angle is the one who desperately needs to find a way to win instead of the other way around.

Towards the end of the match, Angle begins locking in the Anglelock over and over, staying on it like a dog with a bone, refusing to let up no matter how many times Morgan kicks him off. Morgan manages to recover and get up, and hit Angle with the Carbon Footprint and the Hellevator, but neither is enough to put the former Olympic athlete down for the count. Then finally, finally, after working on the leg again and again, Angle takes advantage of a rookie mistake, reverses into a roll up lightning fast, and grabs victory from the jaws of defeat.

When I think about this show down the line, this will almost certainly be the match that I remember. The pacing was fantastic, the chemistry was very strong, and more than anything, this match proved to me once and for all that Morgan is a damn good wrestler and that there is nothing stopping him from reaching the pinnacle of this industry. He looked absolutely cast in gold here, as Angle busted his ass from start to finish to make this Morgan’s coming out party. As a result, they put on a match that wasn’t just good by TNA standards. It was just fucking good.

85 out of 100. Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: I’ve stated by now that I don’t like “wrestling”, right? This match seemed like it was technically well done. Morgan looked great. Angle pissed me off less than usual. I didn’t like it, but it seemed good.


Vice: Holy fuck did Morgan look like a billion dollars here. He’s been stepping up his game HUGE over the past few months, and fucking hell was this match what he needed to cement his status as future main event star. People trash Angle far too often for his work, and to that I say fuck off. Morgan has NEVER looked better than he did here. Kurt knew how to make Morgan look like a fucking god here.

Kurt Angle takes the win, but he did it with a quick victory roll out of complete desperation. He caught Morgan off guard for the win, knowing that he had thrown everything he could at Morgan and the goliath just kept coming at him. After the match, Angle shows tons of respect and gives Morgan his moment in the spotlight as the fans go fucking crazy.

This loss put Morgan over so much more than he ever would have been put over had he won. It was a great moment with Angle looking like a crafty veteran and Morgan looking like a dominating force, and the respect being shown. A star has been born, and his name is Matt Morgan.

All he needs is a s-s-s-s-s-s-s-st-st-st-st-st-stuttering gimmick now.

Kurt Angle Over Matt Morgan Following A Victory Roll.
Segment 18 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – AJ (Alabaster Jointed) Styles © vs. (Brett Farve) Sting.

Cewsh: Alright, here’s the thing. Sting isn’t going to be retiring here. Deep down, we all know he won’t. We want to believe that he’ll put AJ over and ride off into the sunset in epic fashion, but seeing as every single thing he’s said on the subject amounts to “Hey, I might! You never know, right? I also might ride a Pegasus to the ring!” As a result, this match has a really weird feeling as the crowd loves Sting 100%, but don’t seem to want him to win.

These guy start this match out doing the respect thing where they try to top each other with moves, but then give their opponent time to get up and then give each other little knowing smiles that make this seem like the world’s most full contact date. As such things go, it gets more heated as both men get down to business and set their eyes on winning the title, and it slowly unfolds, like an origami crane, into a really good match.

Its back and forth, its up and down, AJ flies all over the place, and Sting bumps his ass off to make AJ look great. At one point AJ takes a bump so hard, he appears to genuinely be out on his feet, and that may very well be true, because soon after he hits Sting with the Pele kick from the ring apron, and Sting stays standing up dazed for about 36 hours, before falling down AS AJ IN SPRINGBOARDING TOWARDS HIM. So conceivably if Sting had not fallen down at that exact moment, AJ Styles would have retained his title with the Springboard Nut Lunge, after catapulting directly into the Sting family jewels.

Which would have been awesome.

As it happens, though, AJ hits the Springboard Body Splash, pick up the pin and that’s all she wrote. An abrupt, and somewhat disappointing end to a very fun match. I’m not sure that this is the match that should end or define Sting career, as it wasn’t hugely special in any way, but it was fun. Now all we need is for Sting to ride off into the sunset. Oh, wait…

81 out of 100. Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms.Cewsh: I need to get this out before I start: Kurt Angle is a heel. Matt Morgan is a face. Samoa Joe is a heel. Lashley is a face. AJ STYLES IS YOUR CHAMPION AND A HUGE, FUCKING FACE! I understand this match is face/face and therefore one will occasionally booed. The last two were not. It’s not cute or witty to boo the face and cheer the heel. It’s disrespectful to the wrestlers who are trying to work their character.

“The Phenomenal” AJ Styles and “The Icon” Sting respect each other. They respect each other so much they’re willing to punch each other in the face to prove it. Aren’t face/face “respect” matches really silly when you break it down like that? The match is good because AJ is good, but it also suffers from some strange pacing. It’s not as obvious as the full stop in the Knockouts’ match, but there are some weird pauses and slow spots.

Still, it was a nice match.


Vice: Ah, the Bound for Glory main event. This is when Sting comes out on top most of the time. This is when I get super nervous, because every year seems to be the same thing. Can Sting win and have one last hurrah? Yes, he can. Then he stays for another year. Can Sting do it one more time and have one more final hurrah? Whoa! He did it! Then he stays for another year. One last time, can Sting do the impossible? Holy shit, what a triumph! He.. he’s back for another year! So with the last few Bound for Glory main events in mind, I’m really nervous about the outcome of this match. AJ needs the win here. Sting does not. If Sting wins here, TNA is doing everything wrong and I might be done with the company. So.. same direction or new direction?

This actually felt like a really big match, even though I didn’t find it particularly great. I dunno, I didn’t think the two of them played that well off each other, but they both tried really hard. So, kudos to them for that. There were a couple of really hot moments, but overall I wasn’t thrilled with it.

While I thought the match suffered a bit, this was far more important than just putting on a great match. The Bound for Glory main event decides the direction of the entire company, so a chance that the fate of the company will provide a greater future is quite possibly better than a five star match to watch for years to come. Was there a change in the winds with this match?

Shell yeah.

AJ retains his title and the streak of Sting is over. WOOOOOOOOO. AJ did it. This was super important because Sting definitely didn’t need the win. AJ winning is so vital to the company right now, and the future of TNA is more promising than ever.

The second AJ picks up the microphone, some random kid shouts out “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”. It must have jinxed the mic, considering it stopped working like three seconds later. Then another “SHUT THE FUCK UP!”, and another broken mic. What the fuck?

Again, think of Rocky here. Imagine if Rocky beat Apollo Creed, grabbed the mic, and yelled out “AAD-D-r-i..”, then another “AaAaDd-Riaa..” before finally getting it out properly? Christ. Normally I’d blame TNA’s production on this, but instead I’m going to blame the “SHUT THE FUCK UP!” kids. Assholes!

AJ Styles Over Sting Following The Springboard Splash.
Post match:

Cewsh: So after the match is over, Sting shakes AJ’s hand and leaves the ring, which apparently causes AJ to freak out because the ring is a big and scary and he doesn’t want to be there by himself. He pretty much forces Sting back into the ring, where Sting cuts an incredibly awkward promo tip toeing around the fact that he is not actually retiring, and nor is he definitively NOT retiring. Essentially he is informing us that he is going to continue breathing and take things from there. Then he leaves and the show ends.

If Sting wasn’t going to retire, why did we have this match? If Sting was leaving his decision up to the last minute to see how he felt after the match, why did he feel so uncomfortable sharing his decision? Whatever he did, the fans would pretty much support him in it. But instead of a poignant moment, we got an incredibly uncomfortable moment to close out the show. Just odd.

Ms.Cewsh: The post match? Less nice. First, did anyone else find AJ’s earnest, wide eyed, “I just want to give you your moment!” routine to be really creepy? I actually had second-hand embarrassment for Sting. Maybe Sting’s the greatest actor of our generation, but he really didn’t seem to want to get back in the ring. Of course, he did get in the ring and I stopped feeling bad and started feeling angry. “This is not a big kayfabe teaser kind of an answer,” It’s not? Then that means this is real. And if this is real, that implies that everything else isn’t. Are you a liar, Mr. Sting? Because you just admitted to being one.

Additionally, “I don’t know,” isn’t an answer. It’s a cheap cop-out. You’re not ready to leave. Own up to it.

Vice: Apparently Sting got yelled for his promo at the end because he wasn’t facing the right cameras at the right time. So instead of getting emotional close-ups of his old face with the face paint rubbed off, we got super emotional shots of him with his back turned in the ring, as fans are applauding, chanting, and crying in the distance. Fuck you, Sting.

I think a bit more of the spotlight should have been on AJ, but Sting got his send-off and now TNA starts a fresh new year. Can’t wait.

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: This show is a really tough one to figure. There were good matches (Morgan/Angle, Styles/Sting, and Full Metal Mayhem), and there were matches that were so awful that they almost put me to sleep (a lot of the others). There were a lot of scary moments where wrestlers almost got seriously, seriously injured, and, while that isn’t anybody’s fault I suppose, that doesn’t exactly make a show easy to enjoy.

That’s the thing, I guess. This show was hard to enjoy, almost like work. You could find the goodness if you looked hard enough, but why would you want to after wading through the nonsense?

Cewsh’s Final Score: 64.33 Out Of 100

Ms.Cewsh’s Musings:

Ms. Cewsh: This is going to come as a shock. I’m not a TNA girl. I don’t like blood, technical wrestling, or the majority of the main event. I don’t like TNA. This didn’t feel like the biggest show of the year. It didn’t even feel like the biggest show this week, compared to the three-hour Impact on Thursday. But it wasn’t a terrible show. It would’ve been even better if the pacing hadn’t been so damn weird.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 51.36 Out Of 100

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, I thought it was an enjoyable show. It didn’t seem massive, but it did feel bigger than their normal shows. Everyone brought their A-game, which helped a lot. Wasn’t incredible, but it didn’t let me down like their last few shows have. I enjoyed it a good bit, really.

Vice’s Final Score: 72 Out Of 100.

Vice’s Awards:

Alright, that’ll do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed the highs and lows of TNA’s biggest show of the year, and we hope our vastly varied opinions hit home to many of you, as people seem divided as always after a TNA offering. Looking ahead to next week we’re going to tackle WWE’s Bragging Rights, which, thanks to a 1 hour Iron Man match between John Cena and Randy Orton, will not feature a review from Vice, who is staunchly protesting it. Will he miss out? Who will fill in for him? Is the Midgar Zolom booking WWE? The future will tell. In the meantime, be sure to keep reading and be good to one another.

WWE Hell In A Cell 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the best thing about Tuesday since Alf went off the air, Cewsh Reviews. This week we’re covering a show so intense that the NAME has a curse word right there in it. Seriously check it out, it’s so intense that they blew right by “heck” and went straight to “hell”. They’re showing no regard for “damn” or “blubbercunt”, at all! As you probably know, unless you accidentally stumbled onto this site looking for World Wildlife Entertainment, this is a show based around the fabled and prestigious Hell in a Cell match. Matches that guys like Mick Foley, the Undertaker and Al Snow made famous. Tonight we’re getting three of these slobberknockers, the first time ever more than one will be on a single show, so we’ve got ourselves an interesting night.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: The interesting thing about the Hell in a Cell matches is that every time they do one, they make a colossal effort to convince you that it’s the most insane match ever. Unfortunately, they have a tendency to always do this with very similar video packages. Now when I see the cell being lowered to gothic music and Jim Ross’ freaking out, I can’t help but hearken back to the 30 other times I’ve seen this exact image.

On the other hand, if I hadn’t seen it before, it would probably hit me the way it used to. Those times were fucking awesome and awe inspiring, so depending on where you fall on that spectrum, this is either mind numbingly awesome or soul wrenching stale. Which is pretty dramatic either way.

Segment 2 – World Heavyweight Championship – Hell In A Cell – CM (Colored Maroon) Punk © vs. The (Arsonist) Undertaker.

Cewsh: Going into this match, the storyline, (which you may not have been able to detect in prior reviews, because of our girlish squealing for Punk,) is that Punk has the title and is a huge knobhead. The Undertaker has decided to make his yearly appearance just as Punk has won the title, which is really tough shit for Punk. On a side note, I love how they do that. At some point during the year, The Undertaker is coming for the champion, and it’s just a matter of where and when. Anyway, Punk and Teddy Long screwed over Taker at Breaking Point, and now Punk is locked in the Cell with the man who invented the match.

Punk’s pretty much fucked to death.

Both men come down to the ring, and immediately this match has a fantastic atmosphere. There’s a great lead in video, Punk’s solemn expression as he regards the Cell, Undertaker’s trademark absolute calm right, this match has it all before the bell even rings.

The match gets started, and it’s a great back and forth contest. Punk’s looked so good in this feud that I’m almost delirious about it, and that continues here as he reverses the Old School, kicks out after a Last Ride, and severely fucks Taker’s shit up with a chair. The match is fast paced, the crowd was electric for it, and both guys came out of it looking fantastic.

Punk loses cleanly to the Tombstone, and I know rumors have been floating about that he did something to deserve the loss. That is silly. He’s a heel and he’s in the Cell; winning the match wasn’t really an option. The ending WAS more than a little abrupt, and I’ll admit I expected a little more from this match, but what was there was damn good. It’s Punk and Taker in the Cell. You should already be watching it.

81 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Let me start this off by saying that I generally hate the idea of these gimmick PPVs. Yeah it might sell more shows, yeah it might actually produce a lovely night of wrestling.. but the shit feels so forced. If a feud needs to end in a hell in a cell match, then it will end in a hell in a cell match when a hell in a cell match is needed. Some feuds do not need a hell in a cell match. I don’t want them building up matches just in time for Hell in a Cell, because that’d just be too convenient and lame.

Blah. I don’t like it.

Anyway, boy was I shocked when the hype video for Punk/Undertaker started airing at the beginning of the show. It made sense to have the show open up with a hell in a cell match. It’s all about spacing them out during the show so you don’t have three in a row right at the end.

Now, this is a time when I love WWE. This match right here is basically the only reason I’m giving a quarter of a shit about this PPV. Normally I’d have to watch a lot more nonsense to get to this lovely match, but I really only had to sit through an Undertaker entrance. Score. Though at the same time, it sucks ‘cause I still have to watch the rest of the show. And did I mention that I don’t care about the rest of the show?

Alright. The match. To say it was underwhelming is a bit of an understatement. It was short. Undertaker is old and broken down (though still gives it 110%). Punk did not have the fire that he usually does. While it lasted, it was a pretty good match with some potential, but then just kind of ended. It didn’t feel like a big win or a big moment. It was just kind of like “okiedoke.. onto the next match!”

So, Taker wins. Why?

The Undertaker Over CM Punk Following The Tombstone.


Segment 3 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – John (Sultan of Stromboli) Morrison © vs. Dolph(in) Ziggler.

Cewsh: Okay quick, how many minutes do you think this match got?



Try 20+. These two guys, whose whole feud is based on Dolph’s dislike of being called “Mr. Ziggles”, (and a desire for the title…but mostly “Mr. Ziggles”,) come out and steal the show. When they come out, the crowd doesn’t give a shitfuck about either of them, but as the match wears on, the crowd comes alive in a big way. They go so far as to start a, “This is awesome.” chant about halfway through. These two guys put on a show that will go on their resumes when they apply for main eventhood. It’s fast paced, it’s hard hitting, and it makes them both look like absolute stars.

I honestly wish I had more to say about it, to put it over, but the fact is that Dolph Ziggler and John Morrison have the match of the night, on a night where that wasn’t easy to do. Kudos to them for giving us a good fucking wrestling match to sink our teeth into, in the middle of a gimmick show.

85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: I felt this match went on a few minutes too long.

Did you just GASP? I did too. Though I’m sure my GASP as I typed it isn’t quite the same as the GASP as you reading it.

Both of these guys are good workers, and I’m absolutely loving how good Ziggler looks every time he goes out there. The guy can’t finish the job and become the champion, but he looks so goddamn great at the end of every match. It’s a testament to how good the booking on Smackdown can be, compared to RAW of course. This was a good match, but I just thought it dragged a bit. Cut it back by 3-4 minutes and it could have been fantastic. I suppose that is just me nitpicking, though. Good work from both to make the Intercontinental title seem very coveted.

John Morrison Over Dolph Ziggler Following The Starship Pain.
Segment 4 – Batista and Rey Mysterio Are Gay Lovers.

Cewsh: God I hope someone Google searches that and finds our blog. That would make my day.

Basterio are backstage hyping up Rey as the surprise teammate, and how Jerishow can’t be the best team until they’ve beaten them. In between this, Batista manages to assault Josh Matthews enough times that I think a restraining order might be in order. Come on Matthews, fight back! You were on Tough Enough! You’ve got this!

If you don’t stand up to bullies you’ll wind up like Michael Cole. And nobody wants that.

Segment 5 – Leonardo Leads, Donatello Does Machines. Raphael Is Cool, But Rude. Michelangelo Is A Party Dude.

Cewsh: Um, some dudes in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles costumes are up in the press boxes, which leads to an advertisement for the new TMNT video game. Now, this is the thing that’s sponsoring the PPV, so its not like they snuck some random commercial in, but aside from me not being a huge fan of it being here, it has to be the oddest advertisement in the history of video games. The Turtles beat people up to a song that would seem too quirky for a fucking Tarantino movie, much less a commercial for an action game.

What happened to the Turtles of my generation? I owned every fucking action figure and every video cassette. Today’s kids are screwed out of everything good. Poor bastards, they’ll never get to go to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles Rock Concert like I did.

Segment 6 – WWE Divas Championship – Mickie (Licky) James © vs. Alicia (Obviously Is A) Fox.

Cewsh: I would have sex with both of these ladies.

That’s not to say that I objectify them, or am incapable of accepting them as strong, independent women who are worthy of great respect and admiration. To be a woman wrestler, much less a decent one, requires so much work ethic and drive. It’s a miracle that any women go through the wringer at all, and these are two of the best in the WWE.

That said, I would have sex with both of them.

THAT said, this match is awful.

I don’t know if Mickie James is out of shape, has been having troubles calling matches, or what, but the alarmingly common thread in most of her recent matches has been a horribly botched finish. Its not just one move, either. She’ll be having a not entirely terrible match, and then the ending will almost kill someone. This match is, unsurprisingly, no exception. That Alicia Fox is up and walking around today is a testament to her, because Mickie hit her with a DDT so freak nasty that is was either a terrible botch or the best Divas’ selling I have ever seen.

It could be selling, and I hope it is, because if it’s not…something seriously wrong with Mickie’s matches. I’m afraid that someone is going to get hurt. That alone doesn’t make this a bad match, but it didn’t need the help.

Before I go, though, let me say that Alicia Fox really impressed me. She is developing really well as a character wrestler, and I appreciate that from her. She seems like she’s got a way to go yet, but for her experience level, she’s light years ahead of her peers. I look forward to seeing her more in the future, hopefully not being decapitated.

33 out of 100.

Vice: For a women’s match, this was actually pretty damn good. Alicia Fox has really developed as an in-ring competitor, and Mickie James brought the goods this time. And by bringing the goods, I mean wrestling goods. Something she doesn’t always bring. Something she doesn’t actually bring very often, come to think of it. Now, her body.. she brings those goods every time.

This match ends in dramatic fashion as Alicia Fox takes one of the most disgusting DDT’s I’ve ever seen. The bump actually made me cringe a bit, thinking she was going to be legitimately hurt from it. The way her head hit the canvas, and her body bent and twisted backwards, was just amazing. Fucking ouch.

This was a very pleasant surprise.

Mickie James Over Alicia Fox Following The MickieDT.
Segment 7 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – Jerishow © vs. Basterio.

Vice: Man, I never thought Jericho and Big Show would be such a fucking incredible team. When Big Show was first revealed as the mystery tag partner, I was very let down right off the bat. But damn did they connect with each other instantly and phenomenally. Just wow. Rey and Batista are pretty cool together too. I really do like the big man small man tag teams.

It’s amazing how one great tag team can not only make the tag division tolerable, but make it fantastic and credible. Big Show and Jericho can hold the tag titles for months as far as I’m concerned. They really are lovely. This was a very fun, good tag match. All of their matches have been good. Every team that faces them comes out looking like a million bucks, which goes to [Jeri]show how great of workers these two can be.

The finish of the match was amazing.

Jesus what a punch to the face that was. That’s one of my favorite things about Rey and high flyers in general. I love it when they take finishers from the air. Like this, like Rey leaping into an RKO, Shelton Benjamin leaping into the Sweet Chin Music, and a million other instances. It’s so exciting and you never quite see it coming.

Cewsh: Nicknames are fun.

These guys all come to the ring, and it immediately becomes very, very clear that the fans are 100% into this match. They’re loud from the beginning, and they only get louder as the match unfolds perfectly. Jerishow do everything in their power to make Basterio look amazing, and to get the crowd involved. For once, involving the crowd didn’t just include a bunch of near falls and finishers, but instead focused on building a perfectly paced match to highlight everyone in it. There are no flaws to find here, not a single one.

Despite being flawless, there wasn’t anything overwhelmingly special about it. I flirted with giving it the seal anyway, but I couldn’t. This is the kind of match that sends fans home happy, without being truly memorable for any particular reason. These 4 guys all know what the fuck they’re doing, and this is how you shine without overshadowing the main events.

79 out of 100.

Jerishow Over Basterio Following The Punch To The Fucking Face.
Segment 8 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Hell In A Cell – John (Beloved By The Internet) Cena © vs. Randy (Beloved By My Fiancée) Orton.

Vice: This was better than some of their other matches, I’d say. It was definitely much more competitive and didn’t follow the “CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA DIES CENA.. wins?” formula that I absolutely despise with Cena’s booking. Maybe the match was awful. I don’t know. I was just so excited to see some back and forth action that I enjoyed it.

I liked that there were no rope breaks in this match. Why, I’m not entirely sure. WWE just changing the rules for a unique occasion? Maybe. Or maybe I just wasn’t really paying attention. That definitely could have been it. An interesting situation did come from this. Orton tangled Cena up in the ropes, wrapped his arm around that overly muscular neck of Cena, and choked him out (after what looked like some sensual forced lovemaking). Cena was lifeless in the ropes. So, here is my question: why did the match continue? If ropes are legal, then making your opponent lose consciousness while tangled up in them seems legal too. Drop the hand three times or just call it off. Cena was done. In the wrestling world, it’d be incredibly unsafe to keep the match going. Who knows what could have happened.

Okay, so then the finish.

Orton punts Cena in the skull. YES.

Cena dies, Orton makes the cover and wins the gold. YES.

I am happy. Without any bullshit, Orton beats John Cena. That is a good thing and makes this shit somewhat interesting again. But, I am Vice. Surely I have to be pissed at something.

WHY IN THE UTTER FUCK DID THE PUNT DO NOTHING TO JOHN CENA ASIDE FROM GET A FUCKING 3 COUNT!?!? Seriously, fuck this. This is the punt that has sent people to hospitals. The punt that has put even the toughest of tough motherfuckers on the shelf for months and months. Quite possibly the most deadly move in the entire galaxy in the land of wrestling. And you mean to tell me that John Cena gets the fuck back to his feet within 2-3 minutes, so that he can fucking cry as he looks at Orton with his belt?

Fucking hell. This is why I fucking hate Cena and the way that WWE books that retard. Okay, so, RAW’s main event scene is stale as shit and can be very painful to watch the same match over and over again. So, how do you freshen up that scene? I dunno, maybe you could remove someone from the equation. Like, I dunno, a hell in a cell match. A hell in a cell match that ends with a punt to the skull. If that doesn’t end the feud, I don’t know what does. Of course, the person who takes the punt to the skull in the hell in a cell match NEEDS TO DIE and STAY DEAD. At least for a little while. But with Cena getting right back up from the punt, it’s very possible that this feud is going to continue. Not only should it cease because it is fucking stale, but it adds to my dislike of gimmick-themed PPVs. This could have been the end. Hell in a cell. Punt to the face. Dead Cena. Orton with the title. End of feud. But no. They will probably have another match. I’ve already stopped giving a shit about hell in a cell matches. Thankfully I just have to put up with one more and then I won’t have to worry about one for another year. Hey, maybe that’s a plus to this whole thing…


Cewsh: Hold on to your socks everybody, because this is your once in a lifetime opportunity to see both Vice and Cewsh agree on a John Cena match. This is a strange world we inhabit, and apparently it gets stranger by the day.

I DO agree with Vice, though. This match was fantastic. While I don’t think it was nearly as good as their Breaking Point match, which had a much more coherent story and great details, it was still amazing. Great offense by Cena, great flow, great spots, and once again, great Orton. Randy Orton put on a performance so mind blowing, that leaves me in disbelief that anyone denies him the title of one of the best wrestlers in the world. His mannerisms, his selling, his out of nowhere RKOs, the vicious punts, the emotion he conveys on his face, his absolute unflinching devotion to his character. It’s the stuff legends are made of, and I have no doubt that he has reached a point that will be remembered 20 years from now, when we’re telling kids about how great about this era is compared to theirs.

The match was really well worked, full of drama, and entirely enjoyable. “But Cewsh,” you might be asking, “you said you agreed with Vice. What about the ending?”

Ah, the ending. Randy Orton punts Cena in the head, and, just as Vice says, Cena is up and walking around hardly a minute later. It hardly seems fair, when Triple H and the McMahons murdered themselves to get that move over. However, it is important to point out that Cena was doing his best, “I have a concussion,” face, and the announcers did hype up that Orton might not have gotten all his strength into it, due to the damage his legs took during the match. This still seems like a fairly weak cop-out when Cena’s totally fine a minute later. I like John Cena, and don’t have a ton against his booking, but when it comes to this? Sell the fucking punt, John. Christ.

As for Orton winning the title, that was something I never expected. Since I figured Cena was going to win and cap off the feud, I’m kind of taken aback by the idea. I’m excited though, because that belt belongs around Orton’s waist forever.

79 out of 100.

Randy Orton Over John Cena Following The Punt.


Segment 9 – Sir Jinglypants of Truthiness.

Cewsh: R-Truth is backstage and he cuts a promo on Drew McIntyre. Now when I say he cuts a promo, I actually mean that. The phrase “What’s Up?” is used sparingly, and we actually get a fun glimpse of R-Truth’s actual personality shining through. This is good, because this guy is so fucking charismatic it’s disgusting. It’s about time we saw more of him.

Segment 10 – R(Rotini)-Truth vs. Drew (Main Event Forehead) McIntyre.

Cewsh: McIntyre just debuted with a rub from Vince McMahon, and immediately launched into a heated rivalry with an over and charismatic R-Truth, yet nobody has really been talking about him. McIntyre definitely has the look, is deceptively big, and I can’t decide whether his finisher, (a double underhook DDT where he tucks the guy’s head under his elbow and falls backwards with a lot of force,) is awesome or ridiculous, since he essentially absorbs the impact of the other guy with his own stomach.

At any rate, this is an exhibition match intended to highlight McIntyre. As such, it was fine. Truth came out looking totally fine. McIntyre looked fine. It was just kind of there. Still, it was a strong enough PPV debut for a potential star.

61 out of 100.

Vice: After what happened with Cena and Orton, the last thing I gave a shit about was this match. I like Drew, though.

Drew McIntyre Over R-truth Following The Scottish Salvation.
Segment 11 – Randy Orton Is Still Selling.

Cewsh: Orton is backstage as Legacy comes and congratulates him on winning his match. They go on to talk about how beating DX is a sure thing. Orton tells them to be careful, because until you’ve been in the Cell, you can’t know what its like. They react with scorn to this reasonable suggestion and wander off as Orton mutters about whippersnappers and goes back to selling.

Selling! 3 segments later! INSANITY!

Segment 12 – WWE United States Championship – Kofi (The Subject of Prince Nana) Kingston © vs. Jack (Why is He Here?) Swagger vs. The (Awesome) Miz.

Cewsh: This is the quintessential up-and-coming midcard match. All of these guys are on the rise, (except maybe Swagger who has stalled terribly,) and this is one of those matches that’s like a window into the future. Down the road, who’s to say how big Miz or Kingston might get? This is one of the matches we’ll be able to say that we saw them in before they got there.

Cool though that idea is, otherwise, the match is pretty bland. They do their thing, it’s all good, and the Miz continues his career path of being the new age Chris Jericho. Seriously, his current character is very similar to Jericho in WCW, he cuts promos on his way to the ring like Jericho always used to, his feud with Cena was VERY much like Jericho’s feud with Goldberg, and his finisher is even one of Jericho’s old finishers, (the Breakdown, look it up.) That’s pretty awesome for the Miz, because, you know, Jericho turned out okay.

67 out of 100.

Vice: When Swagger first came out, the first thing that popped in my head was that it looks like he hasn’t worked out in a month or two. His body isn’t nearly as defined as it used to be, especially his torso.

Anyway, this match was really fun. Very fast-paced and energetic, which made it enjoyable. Definitely a breath of fresh air at this point on the show. While the US title doesn’t seem aaaaaaas coveted as the IC title because of matches like this, I’m glad it’s still getting a chance to shine with some hungry young talent. Especially hungry young talent with light-up boots, like Kofi.

Segment 13 – Hell In A Cell – D(rake Younger) Generation X vs. (Cewsh Marks Out Now) Legacy.

Cewsh: A tag team main event during a PPV with Cena/Orton and Taker in a Cell on it? What the fuck universe is this now?

Actually, though, I completely agree with the decision to have this here. This is, by far, the hottest storyline in WWE right now. They have never yet provided anything short of an amazing match, so this is absolutely the way to close the show. DX comes to the ring doing their usual deal before Legacy jumps them from behind, and this shit is fucking on. They have one of their really fun brawls all over the arena, before Legacy finally knocks Triple H out on the stage, injures Michaels’ leg, and locks him in the Cell with them. This brings up one of the coolest fucking images I’ve ever seen in wrestling, where a hurt Shawn Michaels realizes that he’s locked in the Cell, and he looks to both sides of him where Rhodes and Dibiase are on opposite turnbuckles, grinning like sharks. It was amazing, and such a great touch that it gave me chills.

After wrecking Michaels’ shit for awhile, Shawn finally starts to come back. Triple H, crawling, makes his way towards the Cell, where we get another emotional moment as Triple H sees his best friend getting killed in there. He desperately tries to get in to help him, but he’s locked out and there’s nothing he can do. Shawn puts up a heroic fight, flinging Rhodes into the cage and going nuts on Dibiase, finally hitting Sweet Chin Music and going for the cover. Unfortunately for him, Rhodes is there with a steel chair, to shut him down again.

Triple H, at this point, starts taking a chair to the door, trying to bust in, and Dibiase makes a point of mocking him from just inside the door. Triple H goes nuts, trying to pry the door off its hinges with the chair to no avail, as Michaels fades. They bash him into the cage over and over, mocking Triple H all the time. Finally Triple H seems to give up and runs to the back, causing Legacy to laugh and get back to the business of taking Shawn Michaels a few steps closer to God. I don’t think anybody in the wrestling business does a vicious beatdown half as well as Legacy. They really make you believe that they’re bullies who enjoy what they do, and do whatever they want. Words can’t describe the beating they lay on Michaels. I’ve seen bumfights less complete and devastating than this.

Finally, FINALLY, as they have Michaels in the Figure Four/Million Dollar Dream on the post, like they won with at Breaking Point, Triple H charges in with bolt cutters, cuts the lock, hops in the ring, and proceeds to annihilate Rhodes and Dibiase, culminating in one of the coolest fucking finishes to a tag team match that I’ve ever seen.

Fucking hell, what a goddamn fucking great end to a great feud. I know I said that Ziggler/Morrison stole the show, but this was the police coming to lock up the thieves and show them who’s boss. Holy fuck.

91 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Ah, main event time. I’m glad they saved the big title match for last.

Wait, there is no title here? But Triple H has said many times that the title is the most important thing in the company and thus the title match should always go on last. That’s why Rock vs. Hogan, which was a much bigger match than Triple H vs. Jericho, was shafted in order for the latter match to get the closing moments of the show. But then Triple H main evented over Benoit so he could have a hell in a cell with Shawn Michaels. And then he and Shawn main evented against the Spirit Squad while RVD vs. Edge in a title match took the backseat. And now here the duo is, main eventing this show. Hmmm. I mean, I’m not going to go on some spiel about how he’s making the title matches look like shit, because that’s not the case by any real stretch, buuuuuuut I am merely making an observation of some sort.

The match did what it needed to do, but it didn’t seem like it needed to be the main event at all. I’d have rather the PPV closed with Orton/Cena, with Cena still dead from the punt. THAT is how you end Hell in a Cell. Instead we got a match with a great story and great execution, but I found it really boring to watch. For the most part, anyway. There were a few places where it was pretty awesome. It just seemed kinda like a RAW segment in a PPV match environment.

Howeeeever, it did make Legacy look good again. They are fantastic at beating up old people when it’s a 2 vs. 1 situation. It’s a shame they tend to crumble when the odds are more even.

DX Over Legacy Following A Sledgehammer Shot/Sweet Chin Music To Rhodes.


Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: You know, I wasn’t enthusiastic about these gimmick shows when I first heard about them. They seemed hokey, unnecessary, and like they would kill the gimmick. After two of these shows, I no longer believe it’s a coincidence. These shows are fucking good. Maybe it’s the way that the gimmick gives a feeling of continuity to the show as a whole, or maybe its just because everybody tries to top each other and goes crazy. I don’t know. But this is the second show in a row that really impressed me on the whole, and I can’t believe it’s a coincidence.

I’m convinced. Viva la gimmicks.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 71.6 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall this was a.. decent show, I suppose. It had some good moments, but also plenty of wacky decisions that made my head spin into a tornado of rage.

Sell the punt, you fucking asshole.

Vice’s Final Score: 52 out of 100.

Alright boys and girls, that’ll do it for us tonight. We hope you enjoyed your trip to hell. We also hope you enjoyed this fascinating study of cells, and the things that occur within them. Exploration of the concepts behind “in” and “a” are less interesting I think, but it always pays to be thorough. We hope you join us next week, even though we have no idea what we’ll be reviewing. Yes, oddly enough the vaunted Queue has driven off its rails, and we’re now off-roading into the wilderness on a flaming train made of crazy. Though, if you knew what stalwart warriors we are, you would know damn well that there ain’t no gettin’ offa dis train we on. I’ll update you during the week, and in the meantime, keep reading, and be good to one another.