TNA No Surrender 2009

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TNA NO SURRENDER 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Vince Russo booked Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a special treat for you, as we serve up the last stop on the road to Bound For Glory with TNA’s September spectacular, No Surrender. Tonight we have many points of interest to tantalize you, the enterprising businessman on the go. Bobby Lashley’s first TNA match, a main event featuring the best of the old and the best of the new, and the return of awesome, as Samoa Joe wrestles Christopher Daniels in answer to all of my prayers finally reaching a higher power. Will all of this add up to a good show? Will we wind up hurt and disappointed like a child who asked for a pony for Christmas (and isn’t Bill Gate’s kid)? Will we eviscerate the proletariat? Only one way to find out, intrepid readers.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: This video starts out with some odd black and white silent film stuff, and then the quote, “In order to win, you must surrender. Not in this world.” To which I immediately began to question in what world this might possibly be true. S&M World? Funaki Is The World Champion World? Wally World? Then they launch into the generic video which is still accompanied by the random ridiculous silent film music, which gives the whole thing an oddly sardonic atmosphere. Then it ends with “The Show Must Go On”. Which is astute, because this review must go on, whether I like it or not.

Segment 2 – TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship – (Canadian Cockteases) Sarita and Taylor Wilde vs. The (Sort of ) Beautiful People (Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne).

Vice: I already miss Don West on commentary. Convincing people that he’s better than Tazz is a hell of an uphill battle, but I really would say that he is. Plus he was commentating since day one. So many memories, so many moments. I’ll warm up to Tazz, but at the moment he is no Don West.

I like how Taylor Wilde and Sarita are both wearing purple. Not just because I’m a purple bastard, but because they’re looking like a team, and that’s a very good thing. It’s a random pairing, but I can see it really working. The Beautiful People, on the other hand, would be fantastic if Angelina Love was still around. But due to the whole visa thing, it’s a shame to lose her. At least it’s good that they have that third girl around. I guess her and Velvet are BFFs again.

You can tell that Third Girl and Velvet aren’t quite used to each other yet, ‘cause their timing is all sorts of off. However, they’re trying their best. I liked their entrance together, because it was different from the entrance with Angelina. It was a whole new thing. The lack of true chemistry followed them into the match where, again, they had pretty awkward timing during their tag team moves. But hey, they actually had tag team moves. That says something. Some teams in other feds don’t have any sort of tag team moves. Crazy, right?

I will give credit where it is due and say that Third Girl is much better in the ring than I would have ever thought. Before she was clearly the awkward third wheel, but now she is having a chance to shine. I don’t know if she’s always been this “good”, or if she’s seriously giving 150% because she has something to prove, but she’s not bad. Taylor Wilde and Sarita both brought the goods. Both are very good talents, with Sarita obviously being the standout performer because of her style and fluidity. She’s a great addition to the division. Velvet brought the ass, which is all she really needs to do to have a job these days.

The match was better than it should have been, which was nice. I’m not sure if I agree with the decision to give the Knockouts a set of tag titles to fight for, but it cooooouuuuuuld work. They have two talented people holding the belts for the first reign, so who knows. Could be awful, could be fantastic. Time will tell.

Cewsh: You may be wondering where exactly Angelina Love is. The answer to your question is Canada, because she never got a work Visa to work in the US and it just ALL OF A SUDDEN became noticed. So instead they completely dropped the Madison Rayne angle to turn her heel again and make her a member of the Beautiful People officially. Yes, so now Velvet Sky is the workhorse of the group, and the credible one is gone. This is NOT going to work out. On the other hand, the two people they’re facing, Sarita and Wilde, have nothing in common, and are only a tag team in the very, very loosest of terms. So who is supposed to win this Knockout Tag Team title?

Hell, I’m not going to make a point of ranting all throughout the show like I have a tendency to do, but why is there a Knockout Tag Team Championship anyway? There’s only one fucking Knockout Tag team, and OH YEAH, it just got split up by the United States Government. So what are they going to do with this division? There aren’t really any female tag teams to go out and get, because this is a concept that is virtually new in wrestling. Kudos to them for branching out and trying new things, but this is going to blow up in their faces badly unless they have some sort of fantabulous plan going forward. Since this is TNA, that seems not entirely likely.

Anyway, there was, of course, a match here. It was fine. Velvet and Madison had to become a tag team with very short notice, and Sarita and Taylor tried their best to make this a watchable match, but this wasn’t capable of being anything more than just fine. I want to believe that these ladies can produce something truly interesting from this crap situation they’ve been dealt. I have faith in them.

50 out of 100.

The Canadian Cockteases Over The Beautiful People Following A German Suplex From Wilde To Rayne.
YOUR WINNERS AND NEW TNA KNOCKOUTS TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS: The Canadian Cockteases!
Segment 3 – The Canadian Cockteases Are Sweaty.

Cewsh: They’re also very eager to tell you that they’ll have the swanky looking TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship (I can tell I’m gonna get sick of typing all of that out every month) for a super long time. That’s pretty much it. They’re very excited though, so if you mute it and pretend they’re talking about the possibility of sleeping with you, its definitely an ego boost.

You know, if you were the kind of person who did that sort of thing.

Segment 4 – Impact Number One Announcer!

Cewsh: The World Elite through Jeremy Borash out of the way, and Kiyoshi interviews Eric Young in Japanese instead, which is kind of awesome. Then Eric Young cuts a promo about how he refuses to wrestle against Hernandez and will practice non violent resistance, and that promo is DEFINITELY awesome. Eric Young really has reached an entirely unbelievably level of sexy heelness that I never would have thought he was capable of. This is his coming of age, and I have no idea how far this might take him.

Segment 5 – TNA Street Fight – Eric (Bond Villain) Young vs. (Possible Mexican?) Hernandez.

Cewsh: …unfortunately I know exactly where non violent resistance will take him. Across the border. Tossed, across the border, actually. You know, with a border toss. Hint hint.

Sigh.

Hernandez pins Eric Young with the Border Toss after about 12 seconds. This is the second PPV in a row, where Hernandez wrestled for less than 3 minutes CAUSE THAT MOFO DON’T GET PAID BY THE HOUR.

Ahem. Yes.

60 out of 100.

Vice: Eric Young is a bumping machine. That’s always been the thing he’s best at, so this match was.. decent? It was a one minute squash match with Young flying all over the ring. Hernandez is pretty awesome still. Give him something more to do, please.

Already Told You. Don’t You Listen? Your Wife Says You Never Listen. You Should Take Her Out To Dinner For Being Such A Jerk.
Segment 6 – The TNA of DNA. Wait. I Think I Messed That Up…

Cewsh: Matt Morgan cuts a very impassioned promo about how he and Kurt Angle will have a clash of the titans tonight in the main event, and makes absolutely no mention of either of the OTHER TWO GUYS IN THE MATCH. But yeah, they’re just Sting and AJ Styles, couple of scrubs, no reason to pay any attention to them. Not like they’ve both beaten you this summer clean. Nah dude, you just go ahead and focus on the only guy who might help you even a little bit.

Sheesh. Kids today.

Segment 7 – TNA X Division Championship – Samoa (HEEEEEE’S BAAAAACK) Joe © vs. Christopher (I Still Refuse To Call Him Just) Daniels.

Cewsh: 4 years ago this match could have main evented this PPV.

3 years ago this match would have been reason enough to buy this PPV.

2 years ago this would have marked the rebirth of the X Division.

1 year ago this match would have featured Curry Man.

Here we are today.

We stand at an interesting crossroads with Samoa Joe. After the whole Tazz/Nation of Violence thing all year up to now, which even the most optimistic TNA fan would have to chalk up as a terribly botched storyline, Joe is just now starting to gain some traction and show clear signs that the old Joe is still in there somewhere. They put the X Division title on him, and in wrestling smaller guys he has immediately begun to regain the aura that made him such a star in the first place. It’s going to be a long road to climb to get him back anywhere near where he was what seems like so many years ago now, but putting him in there with Daniels and just letting them go to it for 15 minutes is exactly the right start.

Both men come to the ring, looking badass like only they can, and they get right to it as Daniels immediately goes on the offensive. He knows that in order to beat Joe, he has to keep him off balance and moving around, and outpace the man, especially since Joe’s conditioning isn’t maybe what it once was when he was wrestling X Division guys every week. He flies all over the ring, staggering Joe and catching him off guard before leaping through the ropes to take Joe out on the outside. Back in the ring, Daniels charges Joe in the corner and somehow sidesteps Joe’s corner slam, but as he jumps off the top rope, Joe grabs him and delivers the missed slam picture perfectly, showing a great example of thoughtful wrestling, that really made me smile. From then on, Joe is in the driver’s seat.

Joe wears Daniels down, using nerve holds and vicious strikes to keep Daniels on the ground where he is at a supreme disadvantage against his MMA trained and much larger opponent. Daniels finally wriggles out, however, and mounts a mighty comeback, throwing everything but the goddamn kitchen sink at Joe, who takes it stoically before shutting Daniels down again and again. Daniels just can’t put together a sequence of moves that can truly damage the big man, and as Joe starts to smell blood, he starts to work on the legs of his opponent, just inflicting pain on a level that only he can provide. As Joe wears Daniels down little by little, he goes back to all of his old moves, like the Powerbomb into the STF into the Single Leg Boston Crab that hearkens back to brighter days, but Daniels takes advantage of Joe’s rustiness by managing to wriggle out of all of them before Joe can get the properly locked in. Daniels has something to prove here, and mere pain will not stand in his way. Finally he fires up, and then the big moves start flying fun and fancy free. Reversals into reversals, and finishers being attempted by escaped, until finally Daniels gets caught in the Koquina Clutch, and that’s all she wrote.

I want to have liked this match more than I perhaps did. There wasn’t anything wrong with it, and both men held up their part of the bargain terrifically, even if Joe looks like he still has a ways to go before he’s 100% comfortable wrestling a match with this kind of pace yet. I think the main problem is that the atmosphere of the big fight was just absent from this match. Even though this is probably one of the top 5 biggest and most decorated feuds in TNA history, there simply didn’t seem to be a ton of oomph behind this like you’d expect there would be, and the crowd, the Impact Zone crowd for fuck’s sake!, was pretty much sitting on their hands the whole time. Its still getting a more than respectable score, because this was a more than respectable match. I just hope they give these two another chance to have an even better match.

Hell, give ‘em 80 more chances.


82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This was the match I tuned in to see. Before I go on about the match, I should point out that Christopher Daniels’ shorts need to be, oh, I dunno.. an inch or three longer. It’s cut like a woman’s bathing suit from 1936. At certain angles, it shows off more of Christopher Daniels’ bulbous ass muscles than I’d prefer to see.

Anyway, as I said in my last TNA PPV review (I think..), I said that I was deathly curious which Joe was going to show up. With somewhat of a return to form last month, locking up with Daniels once more will tell me the true story of what’s happened with Joe. Joe won’t lazy it up for Daniels out of respect (and because Daniels is awesome), and they’ve had tons of great matches over the years, so I’m very intrigued by this.

Joe is still horribly out of shape compared to when he first joined TNA, and I really do sort of fear for his health a bit. I mean, he’s not going to fall over dead from a heart attack, but I’m afraid they’re going to make him work a match that’s too fast or too long, and he’s just going to pass out or puke everywhere. However, Joe is good. Call it lack of motivation or lack of chemistry with the main event talent he was previously wrestling, but he brought the goods again this month. I definitely enjoyed the match and I really do hope these guys go at it again. And yeah, I’ll be honest—I’d love to see Daniels, Styles and Joe tearing it up with each other again, one day over the world title. That’d be pretty awesome.

Keep Joe in the X-division. He’s fucking good there.

Samoa Joe Over Christopher Daniels Following The Koquina Clutch.
Segment 8 – The Tweet and Tweak Continental Express Will Now Be Making A Stop In Emotown.

Cewsh: Jeremy Borash comes into Mick Foley’s office (is he still in charge?) only to find Mick yelling angrily because someone had the gall to rip up the artwork that someone made of Borash and Foley together. See, because Mick Foley’s catchphrase for about a month was “Tweak it”, and yes I’m serious, and Borash is known for his Twitter account where he reveals news from TNA, they became the Tweet and Tweak Connection. The reason I am explaining this to you, is firstly because I want you to feel the ice cold realization that this has been turned into a STORYLINE, and because it will be helpful when I tell you that this act of vandalism has incensed Foley so badly that he has promised to dearly punish whoever did it. Right after he calls this Abyss match.

Abyss, who has become his protégé/stalker and NEVER gets jealous of other people at ALL. Not like he’d attack a picture on the wall that featured someone else with his hero. Nah dude, nah. Abyss is a nice, rational guy. Like walks on the beach, and thumbtacks in his eyelids just like everyone else.

Segment 9 – Falls Count Anywhere – (The Popperoni Pizza) D’Angelo Dinero vs. (New Entrance Less Likely To Cause) Suicide.

Cewsh: So I was trying to explain Dinero’s character to Ms. Cewsh. Here’s how that exchange went:

Ms. Cewsh: So why does he call himself the Pope?
Cewsh: Its sort of a street thing. Lots of pimps and people like that refer to themselves in a religious context. I have no idea why.
Ms. Cewsh: So he’s a pimp?
Cewsh: Err… a pimp who thinks he’s the pope of the streets. And wrestling. Kind of.
Ms. Cewsh: That doesn’t make any sense at all.
Cewsh: …
Cewsh: Yeah, I know.

Still though, Dinero has been fun in the role, and his entrance music in fantastic, so I was excited to hear this had been added last minute to the PPV (especially since I thought it had already been booked on the PPV in the first place). We start with Dinero backstage cutting a promo that goes from controlled and cryptic at the beginning, to rambling and increasing ridiculous as time goes on, until he whips out a Stack 2 energy drink and starts pimping (heh) it (?!). Then Suicide jumps out of nowhere and attacks him and the match is on!

Of course, by “match” I really mean “a collection of the most ridiculous things ever committed to film.” Bear in mind as I list them off that this is a heated blood feud about “the streets” and who runs them. Yes really.

– D’Angelo Dinero drops an elbow onto Suicide from 10 feet up onto an equipment case. This produces a 1 count.

– Dinero is backdropped into a slanted cart, so that he is literally lying on his shoulders and can’t move. Suicide covers him. Dinero kicks out at 1 without EVER MOVING HIS SHOULDERS. So really, this is a screwjob that nobody noticed.

– Suicide pushes the cart 3 feet and dumps Dinero out so Dinero can conveniently enter a golf cart and proceed to sit in it for awhile, trying to figure out which gear is drive.

– Dinero drives around in circles for awhile and then is promptly headlocked out of it.

– Dinero runs away and tries to scale a fence. Seeing his blood rival in this vulnerable position, Suicide elects to pull his pants down. Noting that he is now in his underwear, Suicide decides to pull THOSE down, exposing Dinero’s bare ass. Then he powerslams Dinero onto a wooden pallet. This produces a 1 count and incredulous laughter from me.

– Suicide puts Dinero on a pallet, rolls it 3 feet, and then dives on it from a height of 0 feet. This produces a 1 count.

– Dinero finally pulls his pants back up. Ladies in the audience boo. It was a nice ass.

– They brawl in the ring for awhile, and head up to the stage, where they proceed to smash each other into the stage eleventy thousand times harder than they did backstage where all of those dangerous weapons that might help you win a match were.

– Suicide sits on a table. From 10 feet up.

– I giggle hysterically as the cat looks on in bemusement.

I did not doctor the description of any of those events in any way. That is actually what happened in this match. I don’t have the heart to decide whether it was the best or worst match that I’ve ever seen. All I can say is that I laughed so hard that my ribs still hurt hours later. Absolutely amazing.

75 out of 100.

Vice: Dinero is so awesome. Why the fuck did WWE let him go? He’s oozing charisma, can work the mic, can work a character, has a great look, is a good size, and can wrestle.

Everything about this match was awesome and ridiculous. Dinero is shilling the Stacker 2 energy shot thing when Suicide jumps him from behind. Awesome. Then the ref rings the bell, ‘cause it’s falls count anywhere and they’re already fighting. After realizing that he actually needs to ref the match, he has to run full speed to the backstage area. It was so fun. There were so many fun spots, too.

Small package on the concrete!

GOLF CART drive-by countered with a sleeper!

The Pope’s black ass!

Just really, really fun stuff. With this match and the DX/Legacy match from Breaking Point, I feel like I’ve gone back in time. Suicide crashes and burns for the loss. I like this. He’s just a crazy bastard, and fuck me did that final spot look like it’d legitimately hurt. Suicide gets way too much shit. He’s a very solid talent and does well with what’s given to him. Dinero is showing exactly what he’s capable of, and that’s AWESOME. He’s really quite special, and will have a very bright future if he can avoid injuries.

Goddamn this match was fun.

D’Angelo Dinero over Suicide Following A Lot Of Things To Do With Men’s Asses.
Segment 10 – TNA Knockouts Championship – O(Old)D(Dirty)B(Bulldozer) vs. Cody (Git ‘Er) Deaner.

Vice: Ugh. This was such a stupid fucking match. It’s just idiotic booking and simply is not entertaining, nor does it reaaaally accomplish much. At least TNA seemed to know that it was a fucking idiotic idea, and put the title on ODB, who is obviously the right choice. I mean, they really could have put it on Deener and I would not have been surprised. Hopefully the Deener in the Knockout division crap ends here. I guess it’s kind of nice to see the Knockout title around ODB’s waist, but she should have been champion aaaaaages ago when she was more relevant. Well, now that the Knockouts have fresh tag titles, the main title can go to waste for a while.. yeah?

Has ODB slimmed down a LOT?

Cewsh: I am not reviewing this match. I am literally protesting the existence of this storyline, this match, and anyone who thought it was a good idea. I’m sorry, TNA. This match could have maybe gotten merely a bad rating had it been of some redeeming quality in the ring whatsoever, but it didn’t. So while all of your talented Knockouts are engaged in a tournament for a title you don’t need, your flagship women’s title, possibly the most prestigious in wrestling, is reduced to this.

Also, shouldn’t grabbing a dude’s nuts be considered grounds for disqualification? I think that this needs to be addressed.

20 out of 100.

ODB over Cody Deaner Following A Move.

YOUR WINNER AND NEW TNA KNOCKOUTS CHAMPION: ODB!

Segment 11 – Jeremy Borash Interviews A Pedophile With a Shiny Belt.

Cewsh: Hmm, actually that appears to be our beloved World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle, standing in the shadows and sporting his awesome hobo beard. I have to ask, though, if he’s the champion, and he, conceivably, gets first pick of locker rooms, why does he seem to have the one with half of the light bulbs burnt out. That’s gotta be bad for your eyes, doesn’t it?

Also, he’s going to beat up Matt Morgan, apparently. I think that was the gist here. I was absorbed in interior decorating.

Segment 12 – TNA Legend(‘)s Championship – Kevin (Big Sexy Tour 1889) Nash © vs. (The Totally Nice Guy) Abyss.

Cewsh: I made an old man joke about Kevin Nash. It’s to ease the pain of Ms. Cewsh drooling over him every time he’s on the screen. TAKE THAT KEVIN NASH. Yeah, he knows who the boss is.

This match came about as result of Nash’s feud with Mick Foley, Foley’s friendship with Abyss, and Abyss’ feud with Dr. Stevie where Stevie put down $50,000 to anyone who could “maim” the monster Abyss. Nash decided to take him up on that because he loves money and hates Foley, and as a result, we get these two behemoths squaring off for the first time ever.

This match is actually better than you’re envisioning it to be in your mind right now. A lot better in fact. Abyss is spry enough to make Nash’s offense look good, and actually works a brawling style that Nash can effectively sell for, so there’s a lot of back and forth here that winds up making both men look good, and makes this match seem like an unexpected breath of fresh air after the last one. Naturally Dr. Stevie makes an appearance to try to help Nash beat up Abyss, and Foley gets into the action as well from the commentator’s position. No interference was more notable than Daffney’s, however, as she runs in with a tazer, only to be Black Hole Slammed so high and so hard, that I’m not sure she’s come down yet. I’m not going to count against this match for it, though, especially when the finish involved barbed wire, a tazer, $50,000 in cash, and a man’s nutsack.

Seriously, shouldn’t cups be mandatory at this point?

78 out of 100.

Vice:

The Bad:

-This feud
-Kevin Nash’s knees
-Abyss’ look
-Kevin Nash and Abyss wrestling
-The Legends championship
-Daffers getting killed again
-Pretty much everything

The Good:

-Abyss getting his balls tasered.
Fin.

Kevin Nash Over Abyss Following A Tazer To The Balls.
Segment 13 – Scott Steiner’s Putt Putt Golf And Games.

Cewsh: Steiner and Booker are backstage being interviewed about Jeremy Borash about how they haven’t been getting along with the British Invasion recently, and Steiner takes time out of his busy day auditioning for the Putt Putt World Championships (actual thing) to rant about how much he and Booker hate all foreigners and how they should all get the hell out of America. Then Booker rants more coherently about how these guys are punks who don’t even belong in the ring with them. Then they wander off, leaving Borash to work on his putting.

It curves slightly left, Bojangles. Slightly left.

Segment 14 – Lethal Lockdown Match – The Main Event Mafia (Booker T and Scott Steiner) and The British Invasion vs. Team 3D and Beer Money Inc.

Cewsh: Alright, let’s make sure everyone is up to speed here. The Lethal Lockdown match is traditionally the main event of TNA’s Lockdown PPV in April, and is essentially a take on the classic Wargames matches from WCW. Two men begin the match, and then, after 5 minutes, more wrestlers will enter one at a time, chosen by the heel teams and the face teams between them, in two minute increments. No pinfalls or submissions can be recorded until all participants have entered the ring, at which point the ceiling to the cage will be lowered and the weapons attached to it become fair game. Whoever gets a pinfall or submission on a member of another team, wins the match for their team. We good? Alright. Let’s get it on, Cewsh Note style.

– Doug Williams and James Storm start out, which is a great choice. Two workhorses to keep this thing nice and fun in the beginning.

– Unfortunately for these two guys, the crowd didn’t come to see them. You could hear a pin drop in this building the whole 5 minutes they’re wrestling, and I don’t think it’s because the fans are in awe and respect.

– Brutus Magnus is in the ring next , and he and Williams immediately begin laying waste to James Storm. NOW we get a crowd, as Magnus seems to have a clear idea how to get and maintain heat. One that should be far beyond his experience level, really.

– Two minutes pass, and Robert Roode charges out to change the mood in the place and give it back to the Brits.

– Wait, so this means that Team 3D and The Mafia both decided to make the youngsters do all the hard work for the longest? Man, apparently old people are lazy. No wonder my grandma never finishes that afghan.

– Out next is Steiner, and that lovable, crazy bastard immediately does a Frankensteiner to James Storm, and I swear that moves looks just as awesome as it did damn near 20 years ago. Just awesome.

– Aaaaand next is Brother D’Von, who also hits lots of people upon his entrance to this fine event. The trouble with matches like this is that there are so many entrances so close together, and people do so little different from entrance to entrance as they just bide their time until the finish, it gets a little monotonous. The finales are almost always barnburners though, so its just a matter of patience.

– Speaking of which, out comes Booker T and he strikes a heroic pose before sauntering his way into the ring. Pimpin aint easy, my friend. It truly aint.

– And Bubba is out last to complete our merry company, but before he can get inside the cage, Rob Terry nails him with a shot from behind, effectively knocking him out of the action. Then the ceiling comes down, and people start getting hit with trash can lids.

– Of course, in the great tradition of AJ Styles, somebody climbs onto the top of the cage, and this time its Brutus Magnus and Beer Money. Beer Money suplexes Magnus on top of the cage, does their catch phrase, and meanwhile in the ring, finishers are being handed out like weird candy at your grandmother’s house.

– Finally, after everybody gets done having their finisher show and tell party, Beer Money hits the DWI on Doug Williams and gets the victory for their team. By their team I mean them and Team 3D, which is the first time in this match that it occurred to me that this wasn’t a 4 way match between 4 tag teams, but was, instead, a 4 on 4 match. Kind of embarrassing to have been completely mistaken all match, but hey, journalism is a fickle mistress.

So here we had a Lethal Lockdown match. I’m not entirely sure WHY we had a Lethal Lockdown match, since none of these feuds seems so heated that they needed to resurrect their main event match from April to settle the feud in, but I’m not going to complain since it gave all of these guys something to do. They had themselves a fun and entertaining match in there, and I don’t really have any complaints, but it just felt kind of uninspired on the whole. There was nothing here we haven’t seen before in similar matches, and the win didn’t seem to really settle anything. But hey, you take what you can get, and what I got here was 15 minutes of fun brawling in a cage. I’m not gonna turn my nose up at that so easily.


70 out of 100.

Vice: Why the fuck is TNA doing a lethal lockdown match here? That’s like doing a royal rumble match at No Mercy.

The match wasn’t bad, but it was fairly mediocre. I just wasn’t feeling it at all. It didn’t have that intensity and fire to it that other lethal lockdown matches have had.

Team Beer Money (In 3D) over The British Event Mafia Following the DWI.
Segment 15 – Rhino Is Uncomfortably Close To You Right Now.

Cewsh: Or at least that’s how it seems as he gets in so close to the camera lens and starts yelling so loud that he’d set off all the car alarms in Detroit if they hadn’t already been stolen (ZING!). He actually uses the sentence “Real men put on wrestling boots!” in relation to Bobby Lashley’s woeful unpreparedness to wrestle Rhino tonight, implying, somehow, that men are more manly if they PRETEND to fight, rather than when they actually punch each other in the face as hard as they can. This is an interesting viewpoint. Perhaps we should conduct an informal survey. I will offer to punch Egotistico Fantastico in the face and he can pretend to punch me back, and we’ll let a studio audience vote on who seems more manly.

I am eager to make this happen. For scientific purposes of course.

Segment 16 – Bobby (The Thunder God) Lashley vs. (The Bore Machine) Rhino.

Cewsh: Man, you have no idea how nervous I am right now.

It’s not everyday your favorite wrestler comes out of retirement to have a high profile match at a show that you get to review. Its been a long time now since Chris Jericho came back to my excited,womanlike shrieks of joy, and now with Lashley coming back to wrestle, I’m really very much anticipating what the future may bring. However, as much as I’d like to be the President of the Bobby Lashley Mark Out Club, there are more than a few concerns. Will he be willing to bump around since he’s concentrating on MMA primarily? Will he have more ring rust than he can handle? Will they put him in some ridiculous outfit and job him to Rhino? These are serious concerns.

From the start of the match, though, my fears start to ebb. Lashley comes out still looking more jacked and ripped than any one man really has any right to without being on steroids, and dressed exactly like he was in WWE. He then proceeds to, in the opening moments, show tremendous agility, speed, and pretty much a lack of noticeable ring rust. On the surface at least. Unfortunately, there is more to this match than simply the opening moments. Don’t get me wrong, Lashley does his best, and even Rhino seems to be trying really hard out there, but what they are doing never formulates itself into an enjoyable match. Lashley is out there getting his ass kicked for pretty much the entire duration of the match, until he suddenly makes a lightning fast comeback, and accidentally spears the ref. This allows Rhino to hit the Gore and cover Lashley as another ref fills in, and, apparently hearing my vocal outburst from several states away, he managed to kick out anyway, before punching Rhino in the face and covering him for the three count.

Now I want to say here that this was a fantastic match and Bobby Lashley is perfect and all that, but I can’t right now. This was a middling to bad match featuring two limited performers who had zero chemistry with one another and both with their share of ring rust. Rhino was not the ring general Lashley needed here, and Lashley wasn’t the bumping machine that Rhino needed. Better things are in the future of both men (yes, even Rhino) I have no doubt. Tonight just wasn’t the night.

Sowwy Bobby. 😦

58 out of 100.

Vice: I’m still laughing about the concept of Rhino vs. Lashley here. There seriously is not a worse pairing in the eyes of the Cewsh for Lashley’s PPV debut. Cewsh thinks that Lashley is the greatest and, naturally, he gets paired up against RHINO of all people. Ahahahahhaa. It’s amazing. TNA totally just pulled its dick out, buttered it up and slapped Cewsh in the jaw for the knockout blow.

I have nothing against Lashley, but I’m not gaga over him either. He’s decent/good, depending on what’s going on. I really have to question why Rhino is TNA’s go-to guy. “We need to bring this guy in and have him put on the show of a lifetime so we can push him as a credible main eventer in a few months. Okay, we’ll give him 10 minutes with Rhino! That’ll show his potential!” At least Rhino isn’t so fucking fat anymore. And bloody hell can he not cut a promo.

This match was ridiculously boring and an awful way of making Lashley seem like a big deal. I also do not like how Lashley’s finisher is a punch to the jaw. OOOHHH HE’S SUCH A BADASS GUY IN MMA SO HE MUST PUNCH PEOPLE YAY FOR GIMMICKY NONSENSE! He’s not even a knockout artist in MMA, either. If he had a few wins with ridiculous punches to the jaw, then fine. But no.

Lame.

Sorry Cewsh.

(Cewsh Note: 😦 )

Bobby Lashley Over Rhino Following The Knock Out Blow.
Segment 16 – Sting and AJ Are Bestest Buddies.

Cewsh: Good buddies, motivating each other to do well in this important match where they’ll be wrestling each other. Seriously, I hope one of these guys turns heel tonight, because if they don’t they’re basically smacking me in the face with the big hearty dick of happy nice friendship time. As an 18-24 year old male, I demand titties, explosions, or violent double crosses, and I demand them NOW before my Hot Pocket finishes cooking.

Segment 107 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt (The Don) Angle © vs. AJ (The Tron) Styles vs. (The Icon) Sting vs. Matt (The…Mastadon?) Morgan.

Cewsh: So they all come to the ring and then everyone get’s introduced. Before we can officially start the match, though, we get ourselves a bit of a surprise…

Segment 107 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt (The Don) Angle © vs. AJ (The Tron) Styles vs. (The Icon) Sting vs. Matt (The…Bison?) Morgan vs. (Fuck Nicknames, He’s) Hernandez.

Cewsh: Oh yes, Hernandez comes out and cashes in his Feast or Fired briefcase for his World title shot and is officially added to the match. As everyone else looks on in disbelief, Hernandez charges the ring and starts to beat Kurt Angle senseless. With each new power move used, Sting, Styles and Morgan get more comfortable together in the turnbuckle watching the show, as the man they all despise gets demolished by this new unexpected entity. Hernandez continues to fuck Angle’s shit right up and takes him up to the stage to Border Toss him off, before Eric Young runs out, hits him with a blackjack in the knee, and piledrives him on the steel. The fans seem more confused than anything, but as the cart Hernandez out of the building, they start to realize what happened, and they are not happy about it.

Luckily for them, and all of us, what we then get is a fucking great fatal four way match, and probably the best championship match that TNA has put on this year. There’s flying, there’s brawling, there’s submissions, there’s countering, there’s everything that all of these guys individually bring to the table, and for the first time, it all truly meshed in a main event match. Everyone looked like a star here, especially Morgan, who just effortlessly dominated everyone for the entire duration of the match, and basically looked like an unstoppable Terminator robot. Even though Angle and Morgan were made to look kingly, however, this match belonged to Sting and Styles. All through the weeks leading up to this, where Sting pulled Styles from the brink of retirement and pushed and prodded him towards this match, there was a definite feeling that something momentous was going to occur here, even if I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was. I thought Sting was going to turn heel on AJ.

I was wrong.

As the match winds down, and everyone hits their finishers on everyone else, Angle finds himself laid out in the ring with both Sting and AJ standing over him. Either man is fully capable of winning the match there and then, and as they make eye contact, you can tell that they both know it. Holding AJ’s gaze, Sting climbs out of the ring and leaps onto Morgan, allowing AJ to hit a springboard 450 and cover Kurt Angle for the 1…2….3. Let me repeat that, because it may be hard to believe. AJ Styles pins Kurt Angle clean in the middle of the ring to win the TNA World Heavyweight Championship after Sting purposefully and intentionally passes him the torch.

After all the nonsense of the Main Event Mafia and The Frontline, after over a year of shenanigans and talk about respect, after month after month of seemingly directionless booking with no end in sight, here it is. This is the moment it had all been building to. Whether this had been the plan all along I don’t know, but all of that history, combined with the fact that AJ Styles has been so deserving of this for so long and went unrecognized despite all his efforts, caused that moment where Sting and AJ made eye contact to be, frankly, the most emotional moment in a wrestling ring since Shawn Michaels apologized to Ric Flair. Sting finally passed the torch, and after years and years of waiting, AJ Styles is finally at the top of the heap, and is the champion of the company he is synonymous with.

I know we say a lot of bad things about TNA, and they’re mostly deserved, without a doubt. But nothing can taint this perfect moment, and they constructed it all on their own, in the harshest conditions possible. They took this lump of coal of a storyline, pressed real hard, and when I was least expecting it, they handed me a diamond.

Well done, TNA. You’ve got my attention.


85 out of 100.

Cewsh Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This has potential to be a really good match. You’ve got two veterans of varying greatness, in Sting and Kurt Angle. Then you’ve got the high flying of AJ Styles, who has been at the top before in TNA. Finally you’ve got the ridiculous size, strength and agility of Morgan who is hungry for gold and respect.

Like usual, the entrances, the videos, the introductions, all of that.. it’s all pretty epic and makes the match seem pretty huge. Then, to fake it a five way fiesta, Big Supermex Hernandez comes out with his [strike]money in the bank[/strike] feast of fired briefcase, and cashes it in. This is where it gets kind of confusing. He doesn’t actually make it a five way fiesta. From what it appears, him cashing it in gives him a one on one match with Kurt Angle while the other three look on. Since they need a match as well, the bell rings and there are two separate matches going on. Or something. Who knows. While Hernandez is taking Angle to school, Eric Young comes out and whacks Hernandez with a nightstick and piledrives him onto the stage. Hernandez gets up sympathy pops and Young gets some heat, but it also really deflates the crowd. The doctors come out to check on Hernandez and eventually he is taken to the back as Kurt Angle rejoins the match he was originally a part of.

Did I mention that the whole “tease” really killed the crowd? It’s the problem with the Impact zone. They are either super hot or they are dead. Let’s compare this to a WWE crowd. They would have given Hernandez an Austin pop when he came out to cash his shit in. Then they would have booed the fucking SHIT out of Young when he chops the big face down and screws him out of his briefcase and potential title win. Then they’d get back into the main event match that was planned, or hell, they might even be more rabid for it now. Stupid Impact zone.

Well, the match itself was not [i]that[/i] good. It did kind of feel like a big Impact main event. I’m not saying it was bad, but it was a huge match on paper with a surprise appearance/death of Supermex, and wasn’t wrestled like a big, important match. There were some good interactions between the wrestlers involved, but nothing that made me want to rewind it. Aside from the finish, of course, which I absolutely LOVED.

Leading up to this match, it was all about AJ Styles’ rise to the top again. With Angle down in the middle of the ring and Morgan on the outside, Sting and AJ have a quick stare down. Sting leaves the ring and jumps on Morgan, who was up to his feet and coming to the ring. Sting made sure that Morgan stayed out of the match, which allowed AJ to hit his springboard 450 onto Angle for the title win. It was fucking awesome and very well done, even though Angle was much deader than he really should have been. Sting sacrifices his own shot at glory to give the spotlight to AJ. Confetti starts flying everywhere. Daniels comes out to hug his best friend. Fans jump out of their seats and flood the ring. AJ is hoisted up with the gold held high. It was great. I won’t even bitch about Daniels not selling a fucking thing from his match with Joe.

Now, this is when it shifts from “amazing moment” to “oh TNA…”. Borash gets in the ring and puts the mic in front of Styles’ mouth so he can give his YO ADRIAN I DID IT!!! speech. The only thing that could have made this moment better was if someone had, you know, bothered turning on the microphone that AJ was shouting into.

Whoops.

Alright, so, here is Styles’ win and the celebration that follows. While watching the celebration a third time and doing the timing in my head, I worked out that “Fin” by Anberlin would be almost perfect. Guess what?

Had to host it with my Photobucket account, ‘cause TNA doesn’t appreciate people posting good things about their company on YouTube. But hey, if you want to see blips, blops, botches, script reading, technical difficulties, failures, and of course the Impact Zone on fire.. then go right ahead to YouTube.

AND THEN HERNANDEZ COMES BACK OUT

Yeah, he was nowhere to be seen, which really makes you wonder why he cashed it in the first place. If I was a betting rodent, which I may be, I’d say that Hernandez will somehow get his briefcase back. Or, it could just be TNA being TNA. Hell, it could turn into a really hot angle for all I know. I’m curious, though. Really curious.

Cewsh: Post match, a bunch of fans mob the ring, and parade Styles around, looking genuinely happy and in awe to be with him celebrating that moment. A random girl shyly hugs him and jumps up and down in excitement, and Christopher Daniels is there, soaking up the pleasure of seeing his best friend, in wrestling and in life, reach the highest peak in the company they love.

What more could you want man? It’s the perfect happy ending to the longest running story in wrestling. Assuming it is the end. It is the end, right? Please, TNA, don’t fuck this up.

AJ Styles Over Everyone Else Following A Springboard 450 To Kurt Angle.

YOUR WINNER AND NEW TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: AJ Styles!

————————————

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Man, if you had asked me, going into the main event, how the show had been, I probably would have been iffy on it, and pretty down in general. After all, pretty much everything disappointed or was ridiculous in some way or another. So leave it to the main event to come out of nowhere to not only steal the show, but make me honestly wish that I had paid money to see it. A great main event can cure pretty much every thing, and this is the case the proves the rule. Styles winning is a moment I’ll remember for a lifetime, and TNA has earned themselves a huge dose of goodwill from me, as a result. Styles as champ and Lashley a big focus? Yeah TNA, you’ve got me bad.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 64.2 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, the PPV had its ups and downs like most shows. When it was hot, it was a fucking bonfire. When it wasn’t, it was a swing and a miss. Not an “almost touched it” miss, but a “I haven’t even thrown the ball yet!” miss.

Vice’s Final Score: 60 out of 100.

Vice’s Awards:

Alright, that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed yourselves through many shocking occurrences (not the least of which that I didn’t squeal for 6 pages about Bobby Lashley.) TNA has given us a ton to think about on the last stop before their biggest event of the year Bound For Glory. We’re mega excited for it, but that’s not until next month. So what’s next week’s offering you ask? Why, my dear sir or madam, it is none other than WCW Superbrawl 2000! Why that random show of no individual historical significance, you wonder? I respond by saying that its part of a general effort on our part to cover and discuss the most controversial and historically signifigant events and happenings in wrestling history one by one, and this time its the fall of WCW. How better than to pick out a random PPV for the last year of their existence and break down what was wrong? Its like a history lesson with more cursing and pictures of tits. So come back to the Cewsh Reviews Academy of Learning next week, and in the meantime remember to keep reading, and be good to one another.

4 thoughts on “TNA No Surrender 2009

  1. Cewsh says:

    Thanks, Slim.

    You're by far our favorite reader that reminds us primarily of Slim Jims.

    Like

  2. JRSlim21 from Rajah says:

    Well done guys as always

    Like

  3. Cewsh says:

    Thanks, buddy. I think alot of folks still don't know about this little home away from home for the Cewsh Reviews team, but i'm glad you came on over and made yourself at home.

    And yeah, I got emotional during the main event, because it was so damn amazing. Vice's video captured the moment really well.

    Like

  4. Don't know what happened to the forums, but man am I glad for this site so that I can keep up with my favorite part of the forums… Vice'n'Cewsh.

    GREAT review, very funny at points. And Cewsh, I fully agree with everything you said about the Main Event. Fucking Epic finish.

    Like

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