WWE Breaking Point 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…
WWE BREAKING POINT

Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Tony (Danza) Award winning Cewsh Reviews… We have a special treat for you tonight as we review the very first, to my knowledge, submission themed PPV in wrestling history, WWE Breaking Point! Rather than your regularly scheduled WWE show, we have, as I mentioned, a submission themed show here, and one main evented by the heavily Cewsh Review sponsored CM Punk at that. So to say that there is intrigue to see how this show goes is an understatement. Can WWE turn this idea into something truly special like Survivor Series or the Royal Rumble? Can CM Punk cement himself as a main eventer for life tonight? Will Vice end his life rather than to have to see John Cena and Randy Orton face each other? Only time and our local coroner will tell.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!


Cewsh: So they start out the night with this video package which shows most of the major players that will be featured tonight through a sort of broken glass picture effect, making all the images seem like they’re being seen through a broken mirror. This is interesting enough, but then after about 5 seconds they abandon that for your normal, by the numbers video package. Which is a shame, because its been a long time since either of the major companies really impressed me with their output in this area, despite the absurd talent that both WWE and TNA have in this area.

Yes, that’s right. We’re starting the night off with compliments for both TNA and WWE. Whether this continues or not is entirely up to them. (And by “them” we mean whichever one of them doesn’t employ Rhino).

Also, didn’t everyone important in Lynard Skynard die in that plane crash? Did they record the theme to this PPV Tupac style, from beyond the grave? Mysterious!

Segment 2 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – (The) Jeri(Peep)Show © vs. M(Mars)V(Venus)P(Pluto, Oh Wait, Not So Much) and Mark (The Shark) Henry.

Cewsh: Right off the bat, this is kind of a hard match to call. See, a few months ago, the idea of Mark Henry and MVP teaming up, as faces, and getting a tag title shot on PPV would have come off as certifiably looney bin, so to see it actually occurring is somewhat surreal. On the other hand, however, this whole mini feud has actually gone really well, in no small part due to Big Show and Chris Jericho being absolutely on fire at making everyone they face look like legitimate threats to their title reign, no matter how unlikely those opponents may be. They made Cryme Tyme look like a Salma Hayek in a school girl uniform (good, to say the least), and now they’ve been doing the same for these two guys. Can the magic continue?

Mmm, Salma Hayek. One moment please.

Ah, now let’s continue.

The match starts off with each guy coming down in their swanky way, including MVP debuting a new ring outfit with the sleeves cut off, with looks loads better, and less like he’s wrapped in really bright Saran Wrap. The match begins, and we get pretty much what you’d expect. Jericho and MVP spend a lot of time wrestling with each other, and then one of the big guys comes in and fucks shit up for awhile. Now despite the overness of Jericho here in Montreal (and he is over), I would be completely remiss if I didn’t mention just how over Mark Henry is in this match. MVP gets his pops here and there, sure, but every time Henry does ANYTHING, from trying to slam the Big Show, to bullying Jericho around, those motherfuckers explode like fireworks in a match factory. He’s so over, actually, that the end of the match winds up coming off as much hotter and more fun than it really was, and the crowd deserves some genuine credit for taking this good match, and making it really fun to watch. I know I’m down on the fans a lot, but they were in it to have fun here, and it helped everything along.

As for the match in and of itself, well it wasn’t mind blowing. Jericho and Show made MarkVP look good, and like genuine threats, and that’s pretty much exactly what the job description entailed tonight. It wasn’t as good as their match against Cryme Tyme, but then, Cryme Tyme are an actual tag team with more than 3 weeks of working together, so really its natural that that would be the case. I don’t know if this feud is going to continue on, or if Jerishow are moving on to bigger and better things, but everyone can go home tonight knowing they did a fine day’s work.

70 out of 100.

Vice: MVP and WSM have matching attire for the most part. Guess who looks better in it?

This is a good opener and a fairly good match overall. Mark Henry is ridiculously over, here. Amazingly so, even. Jericho doesn’t get the hero’s welcome because apparently he shat on Canada recently. God forbid he get cheers in his own country. Fucking foreigners.

Big Show and Jericho win. That’s pretty awesome, I guess. Big Show’s “WE CAN’T BE BEAT! YEAH! WE CAN’T BE BEAT!” reminded me of drunken video game trash talking, but it was still kind of cool. Big Show is quite large, mind you.

Jerishow Over MarkVP Following A Right Hand From Show To Henry.

Segment 3 – Legacy. Cody’s The Smart One. Ted’s The One Who Uses Props.

Cewsh: Legacy are backstage and they cut a promo talking about how this match with DX is just going to be a fight, and that even though they aren’t big submission guys, it won’t matter, because they’ll find other ways to win. Then Ted pulls out some DX glowsticks (conceivably purchased from WWEShop.com!), to illustrate the point that DX are fun and flashy, but are destined to fade away to irrelevance. Powerful stuff. Almost as powerful as this whiskey in front of me.

Oh drunken reviews, you’re MY legacy.

Segment 4 – WWE United States Championship – Kofi (Ice Joggings) Kingston © vs. The Miz (Rather Than, Say, The Fizz).

Cewsh: Initially I can’t shake the feeling that this should have been the match that opened the show, even if I had no real idea that this match was even going to take place on this show at all. Still though, Kofi really was surprisingly over with this crowd coming out, and a high flying midcard match always works wonders as an opener to get the fans excited. But I digress.

Both men make their way to the ring, and in a moment of true journalistic shame, I realize that I didn’t know until this exact moment that Kofi Kingston was still the United States champion. They make such a small amount of fuss about him on television, that its frankly an afterthought, more or less. The Miz, on the other hand, is given tons of tv time in his spiffy new “I’m a real wrestler now” outfit, even though he’s only the challenger, so I KNOW that he ISN’T the champion, but would like to be. The match starts, and pretty much instantly they jump into the near falls. Now ordinarily, I am not for endless strings of nearfalls defining the structure of a match like this. Going for pins is great, and adds to the match, but sometimes (see most of the Miz’s solo matches), the desire to make midcard matches feel somehow more grandiose than they are can work against a match of this type and cause it to break down into a bit of a mess. Thankfully, that isn’t the case here as these two guys show great chemistry together from the outset, and set about putting on a show.

Oh yes, a show is exactly what we got, as both men repeatedly try to go for all of the signature moves in their arsenals, hitting most, and dazing each other into what seems like surefire victories at various points. Towards the end of the match they begin swapping nearfalls like they were goddamn Pokemon Cards (or whatever the kids do these days, whippersnappers), and neither man can definitively gain the upper hand, as they go back and forth over and over until finally, out of nowhere, comes the knockout blow, bringing this match to a close.

This wasn’t a perfect match, and I don’t think it would really be fair to expect it to be. Both of these guys still seem to be finding their feet in the ring, and neither has really established themselves definitely as a solo guy yet. However, this match was a great indicator of what these two men may well become down the line, and I was reminded of nothing so much as the Randy Orton/Shelton Benjamin and Randy Orton/Edge matches from a few years back, when all the guys involved were making their way to the top little by little, and you could see the potential ooozing off of them, looking for the right place to be funneled. These guys have it, and they work great together. I hope this isn’t the last time we get to see them together.

77 out of 100.

Vice: Miz speaks French, Kofi still speaks Rasta. Well, when he gets mic time. It’s really astonishing how far Miz has come. Yeah, I know I’m a bit late to the Mizwagon, but I really didn’t see it until very recently. To me he was always the better-than-he-should-be TV guy, but now I see him as a legitimately good wrestler and overall talent. He is such a penis.

This was a very fun little match. It was nothing groundbreaking or amazing, but very solid and enjoyable. Was kind of hoping to see Miz pick up the title, but Kofi can hold it forever as far as I’m concerned.

And yes, Sting’s crow theme > Kofi’s theme.

Kofi Kingston Over The Miz Following The Trouble In Paradise.
Segment 5 – Submission Counts Anywhere Match – D(Destruction)-Generation X vs. The Legacy (Of…Rain?).

Cewsh: This feud has been the goddamn macaroni and cheese. The Kraft kind. Not that Velveeta bullshit they try to push on you to be somehow classier for no reason. These two teams have come together and are producing some matches and angles that are just absolutely white hot, and have rejuvenated both teams to the extent that I would have accepted this as the main event of this PPV. I controversially gave these guys’ tag match at Summerslam not only a score putting them way out ahead for Tag Match of the Year, but right up there with any match anywhere in the world that we have seen this year. I don’t know if this can live up to that, but I’m excited as hell to find out.

DX comes out first, and cut their usual spiel, but before they can direct all of us to suck things, the entire crowd as one breaks into a chant of “You Screwed Bret”. Now to those of our stalwart readers that perhaps are not aware of what they’re referring to, people in Montreal are still slightly peeved over the events that occurred at Survivor Series in 1997, where Bret Hart, a Canadian National Hero, was essentially (and oh so controversially) “screwed” out of his WWE Championship by Shawn Michaels, Earl Hebner, and Vince McMahon because he was leaving for WCW. This was a real thing that happened, as near as anyone can figure, and not at all a storyline. As this happened to their hero in their city, Montreal fans have been notoriously touchy about this, even a decade later. Rather than ignore the chants, Triple H stands up, acknowledges them, and then informs them all that it was all Shawn’s fault, as Shawn tries comically to shush him. The fans laugh, they get on with the show. Problem solved. You have to give Triple H credit for that. He never let it rattle him, and with a few words he won people who believe they have every right to hate him over to his side.

Why did it take him so long to become a babyface?

The match starts and it immediately spills out to the floor. Both teams immediately lock on to one another and pretty much start brawling all over the arena, making this look more like a Street Fight than a Submission match. In the midst of all of the fighting, though, all 4 men try out various ways of getting the other guy to submit, all of which impressed the hell out of me with their inventiveness. From using the handrails on the stairs to choke a guy, to using a chair to administer a sick looking Sharpshooter/Camel Clutch combination, to duel Figure Fours in the midst of dozens of screaming fans, this match was just a study in arena brawling, with the submission twist serving to make the whole thing seem incredibly fresh and fun to watch.

There’s a ton of brawling and fun spots, and they even manage to work in numerous babyface in peril moments, to point out to me the brilliance of the fact that they turned this into a traditional tag match, just on a grander, more unique scale. The heels get the heat, the face made the comebacks, and all the while Legacy just kept chipping away at them, and chipping away at them, and isolating them one at a time and wrecking havoc, and just looking like absolute killers out there, while DX played the roles of heroic babyfaces working hard against an unexpected threat that even the MONTREAL audience came around to the side of Triple H and Shawn Michaels after awhile, and seemed to forget that they had been chanting “You Screwed Bret” just minutes earlier.

I won’t spoil the ending here, but suffice to say that Legacy came away from this match looking like absolute Greek Gods, and while I don’t know where things go from here, I honestly don’t care. Legacy are so hot and excellent, and fantastic right now that they could feud with fucking Doink and Dink and I’d be glued to the screen to see them, and DX look vulnerable for the first time in ages, and have finally met a team that they can’t joke their way past. Wherever this goes, and however this ends, I’m in, man. I’m in.


89 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Ah, Shawn Michaels in Canada. Wait a minute, DX just got an insane face pop. Then Triple H reminds us all about what happened over a decade ago and blames Shawn. Ok, that actually made me giggle a bit. Crowd chants YOU SCREWED BRET, which is the least surprising thing in the world to me. It’s a vicious cycle, really. Canadian fans won’t shut the fuck up about the screwjob, but at the same time, WWE seriously just can’t go to Canada without totally fucking with them. It will probably go on forever.

That said, this was a very fun match. Yes, Cewsh, it reminded me a lot of WWF/E back in the day. Like, I dunno, the Attitude Era?

This match was full of fun stuff, with the youngsters going up against the guys that were cool (if they were ever…) doing this gimmick over a decade ago. You know, I really can’t wait for Triple H to turn heel again and foam from the mouth constantly. The highlight of this match was the cooler of death. Not only is Triple H knocked out with it initially, but Ted whacks Triple H in the skull with it once more while he was out. It was fucking hilarious.

Oh, and honorable mention goes to Shawn Michaels’ 8 foot fall onto the mattress. Oh the brutality! I thought this was a PG show!? Yeah, use a mattress/box fortress if you’re doing a spot where someone is falling 20-60 feet, but if it’s a relatively small spot, either take it like a man or don’t bother. It just looks stupid. It reminds me of those backstage brawls where two guys are trying to kill each other. One picks the other up and powerbombs them onto.. a bag of packing peanuts. When looking to end the career of another, don’t even think about slamming them onto the hard ground. Or the cinder blocks laying around. Or cars. Or anything else around. Slam them onto a bag of packing peanuts. It also takes me back to stuff like the build-up to Wrestlemania with HHH and Batista back in the day. One person is about to get run over by JBL’s limo (I think) and someone makes the save by shoving the other onto a giant mound of soft cardboard boxes, sitting there for absolutely zero reason. But I guess they should be thankful for that mound of soft cardboard boxes, because falling over onto concrete could kill you, you know.

Even though it took both men applying a submission hold to Shawn to get the win, it still put Legacy over huge. And bloody hell was that an amazing dual submission. Maybe it’s a DUBmission. Get it? Yeah. What a dubmission. Legacy looked like a million bucks here. The absolute most important thing about their victory, though, is that Triple H did not pull a sledgehammer out of the ref’s collar and absolutely kill Legacy after the match was over. It’s sad how awful Triple H tends to be with stuff like that. He’ll beat the crap out of someone, win, and then beat the crap out of them some more to show his dominance. If he loses, he beats the crap out of them to show his TRUE dominance and that it was merely a fluke. Hell, when people help him out, he generally beats the crap out of them too just so that he’s the last man standing. It’s shitty.

Shawn Michaels tapped out in Canada, though. Like, he actually tapped out. His hand moved and hit the ring post a few times and all that. CLOSURE, right? Let’s see how badly WWE fucks with the WWE Universe in the main event. I mean, it IS a submission match in Montreal.

Legacy over DX Following A Figure Four/Million Dollar Dream Combination On The Ringpost.

Segment 6 – Josh Matthews Is A Dick.

Cewsh: Josh Matthews goes into Randy Orton’s locker room, and asks if he can ask one question. Orton agrees to this so long as Matthews sits down and asks him. Matthews does, and asks about Legacy. Orton says he knew they’d win. Matthews tries to ask another question, and Orton completely, and rightfully, calls him out for lying about only having one question.

Oh snap JM! You got bizzurned forshizzurned! You were all like “Can I ask another question?” and he was all like “Bitch please!” and you were all “Sad face” and I was all “Say whaaaat?!”

Ahem.

Orton then proceeds to cut one of the most wonderfully evil promos I’ve ever heard anyone cut this side of Jake Roberts, and basically says that John Cena can’t know that he is incapable of quitting until Orton shows him. Its creepy, its evil, and its leagues ahead of anything Orton was managing even a few months ago. I don’t know what they’re putting in the water in The Legacy’s locker room, but fuck man. Share that shit out.

(Cewsh Note: Vice informs me that as Matthews sits down he blatantly farts. Now I am not going to check this for myself, but those those of you interesting in a WWE announcer breaking wind on a live show, by all means check it frame by frame for yourself.

Weirdo.)

Segment 7 – Singapore Cane Match – (Singapore) Kane vs. The Great (Bait) Khali.

Vice: Oh what to say about this match. Shitty? Dreadful? Fuck you, WWE?

Think negative and use your imagination.

Cewsh: Hmm. Welp. It was a Kane and Khali match. With Singapore canes this time.

So, uh, yeah. Stuff happened and stuff. People got hit with canes. People fell down. People punched each other. I ate Cinnamon Sticks from Dominos.

That’s about it.

47 out of 100.

Kane Over The Great Khali Following A Chokeslam.
Segment 8 – CM Punk Talks About Current Events.

Cewsh: Specifically about Jeff Hardy’s arrest and how that basically makes him totally and completely right about everything he’s said for weeks. Its hard to argue with him, since he pretty much foretold the future, and he says that since he was right about that, he’ll be right about his ability to beat the Undertaker too. Then the lights go out and he freaks the hell out, but it turns out to be Jimmy Wang Yang with the light switch fucking with him. Punk then proceeds to beat ten kinds of fuck out of Yang before calmly finishing the interview and wandering off.

Now I wasn’t too keen initially on the idea of referencing something that is such bad publicity for wrestling like the Hardy thing, but since it really does add tons of credibility to Punk’s character and statements, and since it was my beloved Punker who was doing it, I really can’t fault the idea, and it was presented as an afterthought, which is good too. No need to dwell on the badness.

Also, CM Punk is amazing. But you already knew that.

Segment 9 – ECW Championship – Christian (At Last You’re On Your Own) © vs. William (A Man’s Man) Regal.

Cewsh: Christian? Regal? Yeah, okay. I think I can get into that. That’s what we in showbiz call MOTIVATION.

Christian and Regal come out, Regal with his entourage or Vladamir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson, and Christian, conceivably buoyed by his Peeps. The ring announcer states that the ECW General Manager Tiffany has given him a ruling that Jackson and Kozlov are barred from ringside for this match and that if they do not leave immediately then Regal will forfeit his title shot. To say that William Regal is displeased about this is an understatement. So they leave, and Regal successfully gets his robe off without losing any matches, and they get started.

From the start this is sort of an oddly paced match. Regal and Christian have styles that, while both excellent, don’t necessarily mesh in the greatest of ways, in much the same way that Regal struggles often against guys who don’t work stiff and intense like he does. They still put together an enjoyable contest, though, as all of the staples of recent Christian matches get their time in the sun, and Regal is allowed to look like his dastardly self. Ultimately, though, I had trouble getting into this match, and it didn’t feel like it had very much emotion to it. Maybe it was a lack of chemistry, maybe it was a clash of styles, or maybe it was just that the match didn’t work out the way they wanted, but I came away from this feeling vaguely disappointed that it wasn’t more than it was.

They busted their asses to have a great match, and I’d never fault them for that, but I can’t help but feeling like these two guys have a great match together in them. I can only hope to see it one day, and tell you concretely that this was not it.

69 out of 100.

Vice: This is the match I was expecting at Summerslam and was upset that we didn’t get. However, at least we got it this time. This is Regal doing what he does best—just beating the shit out of his opponent. Also, I’ve gotta say how much I love Regal’s look these days. So much better than when he had really short hair and red trunks. He was still an awesome wrestler, but looked really stupid. He just looks like a massive badass these days. I like how he’s not in amazing shape, either. There’s something more convincing about a guy with a body type like his (and like Finlay) than super toned guys when it comes to knocking people silly. I love Regal. Christian has been great since his return to WWE.

This was a very good match. Tons of stiff strikes, nasty suplexes and general ass kicking. Everything I wanted it to have. I’m slightly sad that Regal didn’t win the title, but it’s not like I was expecting him to. The ending made a lot of sense, too. It just worked. It almost made me forget that Kane and Khali were in the previous match.

Christian over William Regal Following The Killswitch.

Segment 10 – Dolph Ziggler Should Refrain From Quitting His Day Job.

Cewsh: Pat Patterson comes out to celebrate his hometown of Montreal and the upcoming 30th anniversary of the Intercontinental Championship, the first winner of which was, of course, him. He cuts a snazzy little promo in French and the crowd laps it up, despite the man not having been on a WWE screen since basically the Attitude Era. Montreal has a long memory. Then he goes to introduce the current Intercontinental Champion, but he gets Dolph Ziggler instead, who comes out and delivers about 30 of the worst old man jokes I have ever heard and then kicks Patterson in the stomach, and bails before Morrison makes the save.

Now my advice in the header is meant earnestly, but if he’s attempting to be a great heel instead of a stand up comedian (absurd, I know), then he did a bang up job because he got the holy blubbercunt booed out of him in the short time he was talking, and Morrsion got a huge pop for making the save. So yeah. He’s really good at his day job. Which is lucky for him AND us. Can you imagine a Vegas act with Jillian singing and Ziggler telling jokes? Ugh. Doesn’t bear thinking about.

Segment 11 – WWE Championship – I Quit Match – Randy (He Hears Voices In His Head) Orton © vs. John (BRABADOO!) Cena.

Cewsh: Coming into this match I was dangling somewhere between “Meh” and “I guess I want to know who wins.” Following the 3 minutes of brilliance that can only properly be categorized as a hype video, I jetted all the way up to “Fucking excited.” That thing reminded me of everything about this feud that is awesome and great and exciting and completely masks anything bland or uninspired, and as a result they have manufactured just that simply a big fight feel that this match desperately needed in order to succeed. Well fucking done WWE. You stepped up big time, and now I’m ready to get this show on the motherfucking road.

Now I said this match had a big fight feel. I was wrong. This match very quickly, through the introductions and the presenting of the title, acquires a feel more closely related to a Wrestlemania match than a Vengeance match. Then, as the tension mounts, Cena charges Orton to get things started, as Orton tries desperately to fend him off. As the opening moments go by this is all Cena all the time. Cena slams and bumps Orton around for awhile until Orton changes up the momentum with a monitor shot to the head of Cena.

From then on, this is the Orton Show guest starring a beat the fuck up John Cena. He pulls Cena half into the ring to deliver his patented rope DDT, and the referee asks Cena if he’ll quit before he gets the move done to him. He refuses and BLAM, planted into the mat, where he stays motionless for several moments as Orton sets up a chair for a repeat of the devastating RKO he performed on Cena on Raw. Cena fires up and makes his comeback though, onto to be shut down again by Orton. The Viper strikes again.

A few destructive shots with various objects to the head later, Cena is in a very bad way, and Orton is already looking triumphant. Then he pulls out the handcuffs. Holy shit. Instantly I flash back to when Orton handcuffed Triple H and proceeded to abuse Stephanie so badly it made Triple H cry. He handcuffs Cena to the top rope and the beating continues as Cena repeatedly refuses to say the words “I Quit”, until Orton undoes the handcuffs and cuffs Cena’s hands together, suspending him from the corner of the ring post. This is where the real beating starts. Punches, chair shots, and kicks result, followed by Orton throwing water in Cena’s face to keep him from passing out, which Cena then promptly spits back at Orton.

Big mistake.

Orton goes under the ring and finds himself a kendo stick, and he lays into Cena with it; hitting him so hard and so often that he falls over with the momentum, and raises some of the most disgusting welts on Cena’s chest and stomach that I have ever seen. Cena, though, remains steadfast and still refuses to quit, and somehow manages to fight back, low blow Orton and falling to the floor finally, with his hands bound together. He gets up to finally bring the fight to Orton and BANG, a chairshot to the face sends him to the ground again. Handcuffed to the rope again, Cena finds himself once again at the mercy of Randy Orton, and a mouse could starve on what you can find there. More chairshots, more punishment, and more denials from Cena follow, until Orton gets a little too close, and Cena snatches the key away, unlocking the handcuffs and finally freeing himself.

What does John Cena do once he’s free? He handcuffs himself to Randy Orton. Its fucking clobberin’ time.

Cena peppers Orton with lefts and rights, beating him all around ringside as Orton can’t find any way to get away. He throws Orton in the ring and continues his fire, until Orton hits the RKO out of absolutely nowhere on him, stopping even THIS momentum short. Orton knows it’s a temporary fix though, so he searches about for the key, and finds it barely out of reach. He strains for it, and he STRAINS for it, and he STRAAAAAINS for it, and what he doesn’t notice is John Cena recovering behind him until Cena grabs his leg, wraps the chain and Orton’s own arm around his head, and performs one of the sickest STF’s I have ever seen. Finally, FINALLY, Orton can take no more and submits. John Cena, after all the pain he went through, all that he endured, is your new WWE Champion.

Holy fuck, man.

I don’t know what I was expecting from this match. I don’t know if I thought it was just going to be another brawl in the vein of their past matches or what, but I was not expecting this. For nearly half an hour these two men put on a show that was as emotional as anything I’ve seen on television or movies this year. They did everything possible to not only tell a story, but to tell a totally unique story unlike anything I’ve ever seen in a wrestling ring, and it worked. Every second of it worked. Even the fans deadest against Cena, who sounded ambivalent at the beginning of the match were screaming their guts out one way or another at the end. I just can’t say enough about it. It wasn’t perfect by any stretch, but it was just so fucking emotional and exciting that I’m willing to forgive almost anything for it.

This, simply, was a fucking great match.


92 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This whole match just felt like a scene from a TV show/movie. The way each person did their part, the mannerisms, the events.. everything. By now you must know how I feel about that. There were a bunch of parts that annoyed me, but a lot of things I liked. There are a lot of things I hate about the use of handcuffs in these sorts of matches. Mainly 1) if you have your opponent handcuffed to the ropes, why would you ever take the cuffs off? Just keep them there, ‘cause they can’t exactly do a heck of a lot. To add to that, once your opponent is cuffed, GET RID OF THE MOTHERFUCKING KEY FOR FUCK SAKE. Don’t wear it around your neck. Don’t leave them sitting in the ring somewhere.

I know it’s just wrestling and stuff like this adds to the drama, but I just wish wrestlers/refs/commentators/everyone weren’t fucking idiots. Heels are like villains out of cartoons. Faces are just complete morons. Refs are deaf, blind and mentally handicapped. My intelligence is constantly insulted. I just want people to act somewhat like how people actually act. Is that seriously too much to ask for?

I really loved how John Cena would say no when the mic was put in his face. He was in so much pain that he was eerily calm, fighting through it with heart. I have never been handcuffed to a wrestling ring and had someone beat the shit out of me with a Singapore cane.. but I have had moments where I was in extreme amounts of pain.. and John Cena hit it perfectly. However, when he was cuffed to the ring post and Orton hit him with the chair…

EEEEHAhahaheYYEayeahYEAYEAHHAHAHEEHAHAAYAAOOAOOOOAOAOEHHEYYAYAYAAAAaAAaAAIAOAOFAOAOAOIIPPRAAIRIOOOOYOYYYOOOOAEAEAHEHAEAHhahHAhaaaaaaHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Oh man. I lost it. I had to watch it like 30 times because it was so fucking hilarious and ridiculous. I think it’s the most John Cena has ever overacted, which seriously says something. Amazing bit of unintentional comedy. Loved it. I’m honestly thinking about ripping out the audio, looping it a bunch of times.. maybe even slowing it down into a manly roar.. and using it as the alarm on my phone.

The ending to the match fucking sucked. The match was basically 95% Orton killing Cena, then Cena hitting his famed five moves of doom (give or take) and Orton taps out. Yes he is a heel and sometimes very cowardly, but that doesn’t mean he needs to quit after spending 3 seconds in the modified STF. Through all of his ridiculous tactics, he’s shown that the title is a part of him. It means a lot to him. He doesn’t want to give it up. He will do whatever it takes to hang on to it. But wait~! I QUIT I QUIT.

Bullshit.

Orton sells 3 moves better than Cena sells 15 minutes of Iraqi torture. Fuck John Cena. He is a good talent and a fantastic wrestler to have under contract, but he is seriously not one of the best wrestlers in the world. Learn how to sell properly and consistently, you fucking chimpanzee. I’m not looking forward to this piece of shit having another title reign, I can tell you that much. Book him properly for god sake.

John Cena Over Randy Orton Following The STF.

YOUR WINNER AND NEW WWE CHAMPION: John Cena!

Segment 12 – World Heavyweight Championship – Submission Match – CM (Communist Milkshake) Punk © vs. The (Holy Shit) Undertaker.

Vice: Now this is the match I want to see. A few years ago when WWE signed young CM Punk to a developmental contract, I really did think by now he’d be back in ROH, and we’d still be complaining that he was such a wasted talent by WWE. But, he is a god in WWE and doing things I never would have ever thought he’d be doing. Like, I dunno, FEUDING WITH THE FUCKING UNDERTAKER? And, of course, you know.. walking into the match as world heavyweight champion. In the main event.

Watching this live, I was already somewhat disappointed as the match begun. With only a small amount of time left in the show, the need for a video package, entrances (including Undertaker’s iron man entrance), introductions and post-match shenanigans, how much of a match could there be?

I wasn’t expecting some 35 minute showcase of godliness, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I expected more than 10 minutes or so. I’m not sure if that’s how much time they were allotted to begin with, or if they were running behind and the main event just got shafted.. but it wasn’t a very long match. It just seemed to get started when it finished.

And by finish, I mean when Undertaker used a banned move to get the win. But, this is a submission match in Montreal of all places, so who reaaaaaally thought this match was over?

After another minute of wrestling, Punk locks the Vice in and the bell is rung. This is when it punches me in the balls how amazing this whole scenario is. I could ramble on about how astonished I am about Punk’s accomplishments, but he just fucked the Undertaker over in Montreal. How epic is that?

Punk is absolutely astonishing in the post-match. He’s such a cock. I would absolutely love it if he became the “model” champion. Mr. McMahon doesn’t want druggies and liabilities, so Punk is the perfect title holder in his eyes, and thus the two align with each other. Punk uses McMahon’s influence and power to project his straightedge beliefs with more of a voice, and McMahon makes sure that Punk holds onto the title. As long as Punk would stay badass, though. I wouldn’t want him doing a complete 180 and being a total chickenshit, because that would ruin everything.

I look forward to a longer Punk/Undertaker match. Hopefully they can put on a true classic.

Cewsh: Man, did you ever think we would see the day? I know it seems like I say this every month now, but every month, the story becomes more and more incredible. 3 time World Champion, main evented Summerslam, retired Jeff Hardy, and now this motherfucker is feuding with the fucking Undertaker. I wish I could be cool and say that I saw this coming, but I didn’t man. Not even close. I doubt even Punk could have. What a glorious age we live in, where the skinny kid from Chicago who feuded with Raven and crawled into my favorite wrestlers list seemingly just yesterday is now on top of the biggest wrestling company in the world. What a fucking great world, man.

So this absolutely unbelievable match of monumental proportions gets started exactly the way it should, With CM Punk running away and taunting the Undertaker. He makes Taker work for it for awhile before the Digitized Demon From Death Valley finally gets a hold of him and starts working him over. Punk takes control back by actually reversing the Old School (!), and they have some great back and forth until the Undertaker, completely out of nowhere slaps on the Hell’s Gate and Punk taps out.

Wait, what?

That’s right, Punk taps out, Taker gets the belt and Punk is almost to the back when Teddy Long comes out and points out that Vickie Guerrero banned that move on Smackdown months ago, and that her decision has not been overturned. The Undertaker is MILDLY perturbed at this new, and the match restarts.

As the restart happens, Punk chop blocks the Undertaker, slaps on the Anaconda Vice and immediately the referee calls for the bell. Both Punk and the ref run to the safety of the stage as the Undertaker dons the biggest “What the shitfuck just happened?” expression I’ve ever seen on anyone ever. Upon instant replay inspection, as Punk locked in the Vice, Taker’s hand briefly and gently touched the mat, and the ref decided that was him tapping out. CM Punk retains the title, and heads to the back with a huge smile on his face.

In case you somehow didn’t grasp that the first time, let me repeat it. CM PUNK REDID THE MONTREAL SCREWJOB. The crowd sat in just absolute stunned silence after this, as if they had no idea what to think, and the only sound was possibly me sitting in my living room laughing so hard I nearly threw up. CM Punk, this kid I’ve been watching since I was in high school, has grown up to re commit the most controversial event in the history of professional wrestling against the Undertaker while main eventing a PPV for the World Heavyweight title. Jesus Christ, I’m sick with how amazing this was. Punk came off as possibly the greatest heel I have ever seen in all my time watching wrestling, and the Undertaker played his role perfectly too, as a man who is going to kill someone once he figures out what the fuck is going on. Brilliant, brilliant.

This was a pretty good match, but ultimately that’s neither the purpose for this taking place, nor what it will be remembered for. The controversial ending, coupled with these two having gone at it for the first time, is more than enough to recommend this match to you, on top of the good wrestling contained within. There is no, and I mean no, excuse for you to not see this if you are a wrestling fan. Love it or hate it, they made history tonight.


85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

CM Punk Over The Undertaker Following The Montreal Screwjob Part II.

———————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: I really liked this show, as I think the score will indicate. It dragged at some points, and didn’t get off to a roaring start, but frankly you could have had Hornswaggle give messy fellatio to Big Dick Johnson in between the three matches that got my seal of approval and it still would have been a great show. WWE has been running some great shows with some fantastic matches running towards the end of the year, and every single one makes me more excited for the next. As for the Breaking Point concept, despite all the speculation that it would ruin things, I really felt like it gave a great sense of overall structure to the show, and something that tied many of the matches together. However since most of the matches didn’t bother with it, most of the time it hardly felt like a concept show at all. If this is the way shows are going to be from now on, then sign me up.

Keep bringing it guys. You’ve got me hooked and reeled, now pull me into the boat for good.

Viva La Punk!

Cewsh’s Final Score: 75.5 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall this show was pretty good. It had plenty of ups, but also a number of downs. I’d say the good outweighs the bad here, though. And the ending, while WWE just fucking with the Montreal fans yet again, was pretty incredible.

Vice’s Final Score: 65 out of 100.

Vice’s Awards:

(Cewsh Note: Mere award boxes could no longer contain the brilliance of one man. The choice of a new generation…)

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you had fun riding with us through this new concept PPV and all the controversy it will no doubt inspire. We had a great time disagreeing with one another and being glad that various state lines lie between us and a messy sword related death to explain. Be sure to join us again next week when we review TNA’s No Surrender. The last stop on the road to Bound For Glory, and the very first match for Bobby Lashley in years. It is, or course, with Rhino. Show up at the very least to see my tortured meditations on my favorite wrestler wrestling my least favorite, and stay for the free shrimp. With that said, until next time, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another!

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