TNA No Surrender 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…


Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Vince Russo booked Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a special treat for you, as we serve up the last stop on the road to Bound For Glory with TNA’s September spectacular, No Surrender. Tonight we have many points of interest to tantalize you, the enterprising businessman on the go. Bobby Lashley’s first TNA match, a main event featuring the best of the old and the best of the new, and the return of awesome, as Samoa Joe wrestles Christopher Daniels in answer to all of my prayers finally reaching a higher power. Will all of this add up to a good show? Will we wind up hurt and disappointed like a child who asked for a pony for Christmas (and isn’t Bill Gate’s kid)? Will we eviscerate the proletariat? Only one way to find out, intrepid readers.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: This video starts out with some odd black and white silent film stuff, and then the quote, “In order to win, you must surrender. Not in this world.” To which I immediately began to question in what world this might possibly be true. S&M World? Funaki Is The World Champion World? Wally World? Then they launch into the generic video which is still accompanied by the random ridiculous silent film music, which gives the whole thing an oddly sardonic atmosphere. Then it ends with “The Show Must Go On”. Which is astute, because this review must go on, whether I like it or not.

Segment 2 – TNA Knockout Tag Team Championship – (Canadian Cockteases) Sarita and Taylor Wilde vs. The (Sort of ) Beautiful People (Velvet Sky and Madison Rayne).

Vice: I already miss Don West on commentary. Convincing people that he’s better than Tazz is a hell of an uphill battle, but I really would say that he is. Plus he was commentating since day one. So many memories, so many moments. I’ll warm up to Tazz, but at the moment he is no Don West.

I like how Taylor Wilde and Sarita are both wearing purple. Not just because I’m a purple bastard, but because they’re looking like a team, and that’s a very good thing. It’s a random pairing, but I can see it really working. The Beautiful People, on the other hand, would be fantastic if Angelina Love was still around. But due to the whole visa thing, it’s a shame to lose her. At least it’s good that they have that third girl around. I guess her and Velvet are BFFs again.

You can tell that Third Girl and Velvet aren’t quite used to each other yet, ‘cause their timing is all sorts of off. However, they’re trying their best. I liked their entrance together, because it was different from the entrance with Angelina. It was a whole new thing. The lack of true chemistry followed them into the match where, again, they had pretty awkward timing during their tag team moves. But hey, they actually had tag team moves. That says something. Some teams in other feds don’t have any sort of tag team moves. Crazy, right?

I will give credit where it is due and say that Third Girl is much better in the ring than I would have ever thought. Before she was clearly the awkward third wheel, but now she is having a chance to shine. I don’t know if she’s always been this “good”, or if she’s seriously giving 150% because she has something to prove, but she’s not bad. Taylor Wilde and Sarita both brought the goods. Both are very good talents, with Sarita obviously being the standout performer because of her style and fluidity. She’s a great addition to the division. Velvet brought the ass, which is all she really needs to do to have a job these days.

The match was better than it should have been, which was nice. I’m not sure if I agree with the decision to give the Knockouts a set of tag titles to fight for, but it cooooouuuuuuld work. They have two talented people holding the belts for the first reign, so who knows. Could be awful, could be fantastic. Time will tell.

Cewsh: You may be wondering where exactly Angelina Love is. The answer to your question is Canada, because she never got a work Visa to work in the US and it just ALL OF A SUDDEN became noticed. So instead they completely dropped the Madison Rayne angle to turn her heel again and make her a member of the Beautiful People officially. Yes, so now Velvet Sky is the workhorse of the group, and the credible one is gone. This is NOT going to work out. On the other hand, the two people they’re facing, Sarita and Wilde, have nothing in common, and are only a tag team in the very, very loosest of terms. So who is supposed to win this Knockout Tag Team title?

Hell, I’m not going to make a point of ranting all throughout the show like I have a tendency to do, but why is there a Knockout Tag Team Championship anyway? There’s only one fucking Knockout Tag team, and OH YEAH, it just got split up by the United States Government. So what are they going to do with this division? There aren’t really any female tag teams to go out and get, because this is a concept that is virtually new in wrestling. Kudos to them for branching out and trying new things, but this is going to blow up in their faces badly unless they have some sort of fantabulous plan going forward. Since this is TNA, that seems not entirely likely.

Anyway, there was, of course, a match here. It was fine. Velvet and Madison had to become a tag team with very short notice, and Sarita and Taylor tried their best to make this a watchable match, but this wasn’t capable of being anything more than just fine. I want to believe that these ladies can produce something truly interesting from this crap situation they’ve been dealt. I have faith in them.

50 out of 100.

The Canadian Cockteases Over The Beautiful People Following A German Suplex From Wilde To Rayne.
Segment 3 – The Canadian Cockteases Are Sweaty.

Cewsh: They’re also very eager to tell you that they’ll have the swanky looking TNA Knockouts Tag Team Championship (I can tell I’m gonna get sick of typing all of that out every month) for a super long time. That’s pretty much it. They’re very excited though, so if you mute it and pretend they’re talking about the possibility of sleeping with you, its definitely an ego boost.

You know, if you were the kind of person who did that sort of thing.

Segment 4 – Impact Number One Announcer!

Cewsh: The World Elite through Jeremy Borash out of the way, and Kiyoshi interviews Eric Young in Japanese instead, which is kind of awesome. Then Eric Young cuts a promo about how he refuses to wrestle against Hernandez and will practice non violent resistance, and that promo is DEFINITELY awesome. Eric Young really has reached an entirely unbelievably level of sexy heelness that I never would have thought he was capable of. This is his coming of age, and I have no idea how far this might take him.

Segment 5 – TNA Street Fight – Eric (Bond Villain) Young vs. (Possible Mexican?) Hernandez.

Cewsh: …unfortunately I know exactly where non violent resistance will take him. Across the border. Tossed, across the border, actually. You know, with a border toss. Hint hint.


Hernandez pins Eric Young with the Border Toss after about 12 seconds. This is the second PPV in a row, where Hernandez wrestled for less than 3 minutes CAUSE THAT MOFO DON’T GET PAID BY THE HOUR.

Ahem. Yes.

60 out of 100.

Vice: Eric Young is a bumping machine. That’s always been the thing he’s best at, so this match was.. decent? It was a one minute squash match with Young flying all over the ring. Hernandez is pretty awesome still. Give him something more to do, please.

Already Told You. Don’t You Listen? Your Wife Says You Never Listen. You Should Take Her Out To Dinner For Being Such A Jerk.
Segment 6 – The TNA of DNA. Wait. I Think I Messed That Up…

Cewsh: Matt Morgan cuts a very impassioned promo about how he and Kurt Angle will have a clash of the titans tonight in the main event, and makes absolutely no mention of either of the OTHER TWO GUYS IN THE MATCH. But yeah, they’re just Sting and AJ Styles, couple of scrubs, no reason to pay any attention to them. Not like they’ve both beaten you this summer clean. Nah dude, you just go ahead and focus on the only guy who might help you even a little bit.

Sheesh. Kids today.

Segment 7 – TNA X Division Championship – Samoa (HEEEEEE’S BAAAAACK) Joe © vs. Christopher (I Still Refuse To Call Him Just) Daniels.

Cewsh: 4 years ago this match could have main evented this PPV.

3 years ago this match would have been reason enough to buy this PPV.

2 years ago this would have marked the rebirth of the X Division.

1 year ago this match would have featured Curry Man.

Here we are today.

We stand at an interesting crossroads with Samoa Joe. After the whole Tazz/Nation of Violence thing all year up to now, which even the most optimistic TNA fan would have to chalk up as a terribly botched storyline, Joe is just now starting to gain some traction and show clear signs that the old Joe is still in there somewhere. They put the X Division title on him, and in wrestling smaller guys he has immediately begun to regain the aura that made him such a star in the first place. It’s going to be a long road to climb to get him back anywhere near where he was what seems like so many years ago now, but putting him in there with Daniels and just letting them go to it for 15 minutes is exactly the right start.

Both men come to the ring, looking badass like only they can, and they get right to it as Daniels immediately goes on the offensive. He knows that in order to beat Joe, he has to keep him off balance and moving around, and outpace the man, especially since Joe’s conditioning isn’t maybe what it once was when he was wrestling X Division guys every week. He flies all over the ring, staggering Joe and catching him off guard before leaping through the ropes to take Joe out on the outside. Back in the ring, Daniels charges Joe in the corner and somehow sidesteps Joe’s corner slam, but as he jumps off the top rope, Joe grabs him and delivers the missed slam picture perfectly, showing a great example of thoughtful wrestling, that really made me smile. From then on, Joe is in the driver’s seat.

Joe wears Daniels down, using nerve holds and vicious strikes to keep Daniels on the ground where he is at a supreme disadvantage against his MMA trained and much larger opponent. Daniels finally wriggles out, however, and mounts a mighty comeback, throwing everything but the goddamn kitchen sink at Joe, who takes it stoically before shutting Daniels down again and again. Daniels just can’t put together a sequence of moves that can truly damage the big man, and as Joe starts to smell blood, he starts to work on the legs of his opponent, just inflicting pain on a level that only he can provide. As Joe wears Daniels down little by little, he goes back to all of his old moves, like the Powerbomb into the STF into the Single Leg Boston Crab that hearkens back to brighter days, but Daniels takes advantage of Joe’s rustiness by managing to wriggle out of all of them before Joe can get the properly locked in. Daniels has something to prove here, and mere pain will not stand in his way. Finally he fires up, and then the big moves start flying fun and fancy free. Reversals into reversals, and finishers being attempted by escaped, until finally Daniels gets caught in the Koquina Clutch, and that’s all she wrote.

I want to have liked this match more than I perhaps did. There wasn’t anything wrong with it, and both men held up their part of the bargain terrifically, even if Joe looks like he still has a ways to go before he’s 100% comfortable wrestling a match with this kind of pace yet. I think the main problem is that the atmosphere of the big fight was just absent from this match. Even though this is probably one of the top 5 biggest and most decorated feuds in TNA history, there simply didn’t seem to be a ton of oomph behind this like you’d expect there would be, and the crowd, the Impact Zone crowd for fuck’s sake!, was pretty much sitting on their hands the whole time. Its still getting a more than respectable score, because this was a more than respectable match. I just hope they give these two another chance to have an even better match.

Hell, give ‘em 80 more chances.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This was the match I tuned in to see. Before I go on about the match, I should point out that Christopher Daniels’ shorts need to be, oh, I dunno.. an inch or three longer. It’s cut like a woman’s bathing suit from 1936. At certain angles, it shows off more of Christopher Daniels’ bulbous ass muscles than I’d prefer to see.

Anyway, as I said in my last TNA PPV review (I think..), I said that I was deathly curious which Joe was going to show up. With somewhat of a return to form last month, locking up with Daniels once more will tell me the true story of what’s happened with Joe. Joe won’t lazy it up for Daniels out of respect (and because Daniels is awesome), and they’ve had tons of great matches over the years, so I’m very intrigued by this.

Joe is still horribly out of shape compared to when he first joined TNA, and I really do sort of fear for his health a bit. I mean, he’s not going to fall over dead from a heart attack, but I’m afraid they’re going to make him work a match that’s too fast or too long, and he’s just going to pass out or puke everywhere. However, Joe is good. Call it lack of motivation or lack of chemistry with the main event talent he was previously wrestling, but he brought the goods again this month. I definitely enjoyed the match and I really do hope these guys go at it again. And yeah, I’ll be honest—I’d love to see Daniels, Styles and Joe tearing it up with each other again, one day over the world title. That’d be pretty awesome.

Keep Joe in the X-division. He’s fucking good there.

Samoa Joe Over Christopher Daniels Following The Koquina Clutch.
Segment 8 – The Tweet and Tweak Continental Express Will Now Be Making A Stop In Emotown.

Cewsh: Jeremy Borash comes into Mick Foley’s office (is he still in charge?) only to find Mick yelling angrily because someone had the gall to rip up the artwork that someone made of Borash and Foley together. See, because Mick Foley’s catchphrase for about a month was “Tweak it”, and yes I’m serious, and Borash is known for his Twitter account where he reveals news from TNA, they became the Tweet and Tweak Connection. The reason I am explaining this to you, is firstly because I want you to feel the ice cold realization that this has been turned into a STORYLINE, and because it will be helpful when I tell you that this act of vandalism has incensed Foley so badly that he has promised to dearly punish whoever did it. Right after he calls this Abyss match.

Abyss, who has become his protégé/stalker and NEVER gets jealous of other people at ALL. Not like he’d attack a picture on the wall that featured someone else with his hero. Nah dude, nah. Abyss is a nice, rational guy. Like walks on the beach, and thumbtacks in his eyelids just like everyone else.

Segment 9 – Falls Count Anywhere – (The Popperoni Pizza) D’Angelo Dinero vs. (New Entrance Less Likely To Cause) Suicide.

Cewsh: So I was trying to explain Dinero’s character to Ms. Cewsh. Here’s how that exchange went:

Ms. Cewsh: So why does he call himself the Pope?
Cewsh: Its sort of a street thing. Lots of pimps and people like that refer to themselves in a religious context. I have no idea why.
Ms. Cewsh: So he’s a pimp?
Cewsh: Err… a pimp who thinks he’s the pope of the streets. And wrestling. Kind of.
Ms. Cewsh: That doesn’t make any sense at all.
Cewsh: …
Cewsh: Yeah, I know.

Still though, Dinero has been fun in the role, and his entrance music in fantastic, so I was excited to hear this had been added last minute to the PPV (especially since I thought it had already been booked on the PPV in the first place). We start with Dinero backstage cutting a promo that goes from controlled and cryptic at the beginning, to rambling and increasing ridiculous as time goes on, until he whips out a Stack 2 energy drink and starts pimping (heh) it (?!). Then Suicide jumps out of nowhere and attacks him and the match is on!

Of course, by “match” I really mean “a collection of the most ridiculous things ever committed to film.” Bear in mind as I list them off that this is a heated blood feud about “the streets” and who runs them. Yes really.

– D’Angelo Dinero drops an elbow onto Suicide from 10 feet up onto an equipment case. This produces a 1 count.

– Dinero is backdropped into a slanted cart, so that he is literally lying on his shoulders and can’t move. Suicide covers him. Dinero kicks out at 1 without EVER MOVING HIS SHOULDERS. So really, this is a screwjob that nobody noticed.

– Suicide pushes the cart 3 feet and dumps Dinero out so Dinero can conveniently enter a golf cart and proceed to sit in it for awhile, trying to figure out which gear is drive.

– Dinero drives around in circles for awhile and then is promptly headlocked out of it.

– Dinero runs away and tries to scale a fence. Seeing his blood rival in this vulnerable position, Suicide elects to pull his pants down. Noting that he is now in his underwear, Suicide decides to pull THOSE down, exposing Dinero’s bare ass. Then he powerslams Dinero onto a wooden pallet. This produces a 1 count and incredulous laughter from me.

– Suicide puts Dinero on a pallet, rolls it 3 feet, and then dives on it from a height of 0 feet. This produces a 1 count.

– Dinero finally pulls his pants back up. Ladies in the audience boo. It was a nice ass.

– They brawl in the ring for awhile, and head up to the stage, where they proceed to smash each other into the stage eleventy thousand times harder than they did backstage where all of those dangerous weapons that might help you win a match were.

– Suicide sits on a table. From 10 feet up.

– I giggle hysterically as the cat looks on in bemusement.

I did not doctor the description of any of those events in any way. That is actually what happened in this match. I don’t have the heart to decide whether it was the best or worst match that I’ve ever seen. All I can say is that I laughed so hard that my ribs still hurt hours later. Absolutely amazing.

75 out of 100.

Vice: Dinero is so awesome. Why the fuck did WWE let him go? He’s oozing charisma, can work the mic, can work a character, has a great look, is a good size, and can wrestle.

Everything about this match was awesome and ridiculous. Dinero is shilling the Stacker 2 energy shot thing when Suicide jumps him from behind. Awesome. Then the ref rings the bell, ‘cause it’s falls count anywhere and they’re already fighting. After realizing that he actually needs to ref the match, he has to run full speed to the backstage area. It was so fun. There were so many fun spots, too.

Small package on the concrete!

GOLF CART drive-by countered with a sleeper!

The Pope’s black ass!

Just really, really fun stuff. With this match and the DX/Legacy match from Breaking Point, I feel like I’ve gone back in time. Suicide crashes and burns for the loss. I like this. He’s just a crazy bastard, and fuck me did that final spot look like it’d legitimately hurt. Suicide gets way too much shit. He’s a very solid talent and does well with what’s given to him. Dinero is showing exactly what he’s capable of, and that’s AWESOME. He’s really quite special, and will have a very bright future if he can avoid injuries.

Goddamn this match was fun.

D’Angelo Dinero over Suicide Following A Lot Of Things To Do With Men’s Asses.
Segment 10 – TNA Knockouts Championship – O(Old)D(Dirty)B(Bulldozer) vs. Cody (Git ‘Er) Deaner.

Vice: Ugh. This was such a stupid fucking match. It’s just idiotic booking and simply is not entertaining, nor does it reaaaally accomplish much. At least TNA seemed to know that it was a fucking idiotic idea, and put the title on ODB, who is obviously the right choice. I mean, they really could have put it on Deener and I would not have been surprised. Hopefully the Deener in the Knockout division crap ends here. I guess it’s kind of nice to see the Knockout title around ODB’s waist, but she should have been champion aaaaaages ago when she was more relevant. Well, now that the Knockouts have fresh tag titles, the main title can go to waste for a while.. yeah?

Has ODB slimmed down a LOT?

Cewsh: I am not reviewing this match. I am literally protesting the existence of this storyline, this match, and anyone who thought it was a good idea. I’m sorry, TNA. This match could have maybe gotten merely a bad rating had it been of some redeeming quality in the ring whatsoever, but it didn’t. So while all of your talented Knockouts are engaged in a tournament for a title you don’t need, your flagship women’s title, possibly the most prestigious in wrestling, is reduced to this.

Also, shouldn’t grabbing a dude’s nuts be considered grounds for disqualification? I think that this needs to be addressed.

20 out of 100.

ODB over Cody Deaner Following A Move.


Segment 11 – Jeremy Borash Interviews A Pedophile With a Shiny Belt.

Cewsh: Hmm, actually that appears to be our beloved World Heavyweight Champion Kurt Angle, standing in the shadows and sporting his awesome hobo beard. I have to ask, though, if he’s the champion, and he, conceivably, gets first pick of locker rooms, why does he seem to have the one with half of the light bulbs burnt out. That’s gotta be bad for your eyes, doesn’t it?

Also, he’s going to beat up Matt Morgan, apparently. I think that was the gist here. I was absorbed in interior decorating.

Segment 12 – TNA Legend(‘)s Championship – Kevin (Big Sexy Tour 1889) Nash © vs. (The Totally Nice Guy) Abyss.

Cewsh: I made an old man joke about Kevin Nash. It’s to ease the pain of Ms. Cewsh drooling over him every time he’s on the screen. TAKE THAT KEVIN NASH. Yeah, he knows who the boss is.

This match came about as result of Nash’s feud with Mick Foley, Foley’s friendship with Abyss, and Abyss’ feud with Dr. Stevie where Stevie put down $50,000 to anyone who could “maim” the monster Abyss. Nash decided to take him up on that because he loves money and hates Foley, and as a result, we get these two behemoths squaring off for the first time ever.

This match is actually better than you’re envisioning it to be in your mind right now. A lot better in fact. Abyss is spry enough to make Nash’s offense look good, and actually works a brawling style that Nash can effectively sell for, so there’s a lot of back and forth here that winds up making both men look good, and makes this match seem like an unexpected breath of fresh air after the last one. Naturally Dr. Stevie makes an appearance to try to help Nash beat up Abyss, and Foley gets into the action as well from the commentator’s position. No interference was more notable than Daffney’s, however, as she runs in with a tazer, only to be Black Hole Slammed so high and so hard, that I’m not sure she’s come down yet. I’m not going to count against this match for it, though, especially when the finish involved barbed wire, a tazer, $50,000 in cash, and a man’s nutsack.

Seriously, shouldn’t cups be mandatory at this point?

78 out of 100.


The Bad:

-This feud
-Kevin Nash’s knees
-Abyss’ look
-Kevin Nash and Abyss wrestling
-The Legends championship
-Daffers getting killed again
-Pretty much everything

The Good:

-Abyss getting his balls tasered.

Kevin Nash Over Abyss Following A Tazer To The Balls.
Segment 13 – Scott Steiner’s Putt Putt Golf And Games.

Cewsh: Steiner and Booker are backstage being interviewed about Jeremy Borash about how they haven’t been getting along with the British Invasion recently, and Steiner takes time out of his busy day auditioning for the Putt Putt World Championships (actual thing) to rant about how much he and Booker hate all foreigners and how they should all get the hell out of America. Then Booker rants more coherently about how these guys are punks who don’t even belong in the ring with them. Then they wander off, leaving Borash to work on his putting.

It curves slightly left, Bojangles. Slightly left.

Segment 14 – Lethal Lockdown Match – The Main Event Mafia (Booker T and Scott Steiner) and The British Invasion vs. Team 3D and Beer Money Inc.

Cewsh: Alright, let’s make sure everyone is up to speed here. The Lethal Lockdown match is traditionally the main event of TNA’s Lockdown PPV in April, and is essentially a take on the classic Wargames matches from WCW. Two men begin the match, and then, after 5 minutes, more wrestlers will enter one at a time, chosen by the heel teams and the face teams between them, in two minute increments. No pinfalls or submissions can be recorded until all participants have entered the ring, at which point the ceiling to the cage will be lowered and the weapons attached to it become fair game. Whoever gets a pinfall or submission on a member of another team, wins the match for their team. We good? Alright. Let’s get it on, Cewsh Note style.

– Doug Williams and James Storm start out, which is a great choice. Two workhorses to keep this thing nice and fun in the beginning.

– Unfortunately for these two guys, the crowd didn’t come to see them. You could hear a pin drop in this building the whole 5 minutes they’re wrestling, and I don’t think it’s because the fans are in awe and respect.

– Brutus Magnus is in the ring next , and he and Williams immediately begin laying waste to James Storm. NOW we get a crowd, as Magnus seems to have a clear idea how to get and maintain heat. One that should be far beyond his experience level, really.

– Two minutes pass, and Robert Roode charges out to change the mood in the place and give it back to the Brits.

– Wait, so this means that Team 3D and The Mafia both decided to make the youngsters do all the hard work for the longest? Man, apparently old people are lazy. No wonder my grandma never finishes that afghan.

– Out next is Steiner, and that lovable, crazy bastard immediately does a Frankensteiner to James Storm, and I swear that moves looks just as awesome as it did damn near 20 years ago. Just awesome.

– Aaaaand next is Brother D’Von, who also hits lots of people upon his entrance to this fine event. The trouble with matches like this is that there are so many entrances so close together, and people do so little different from entrance to entrance as they just bide their time until the finish, it gets a little monotonous. The finales are almost always barnburners though, so its just a matter of patience.

– Speaking of which, out comes Booker T and he strikes a heroic pose before sauntering his way into the ring. Pimpin aint easy, my friend. It truly aint.

– And Bubba is out last to complete our merry company, but before he can get inside the cage, Rob Terry nails him with a shot from behind, effectively knocking him out of the action. Then the ceiling comes down, and people start getting hit with trash can lids.

– Of course, in the great tradition of AJ Styles, somebody climbs onto the top of the cage, and this time its Brutus Magnus and Beer Money. Beer Money suplexes Magnus on top of the cage, does their catch phrase, and meanwhile in the ring, finishers are being handed out like weird candy at your grandmother’s house.

– Finally, after everybody gets done having their finisher show and tell party, Beer Money hits the DWI on Doug Williams and gets the victory for their team. By their team I mean them and Team 3D, which is the first time in this match that it occurred to me that this wasn’t a 4 way match between 4 tag teams, but was, instead, a 4 on 4 match. Kind of embarrassing to have been completely mistaken all match, but hey, journalism is a fickle mistress.

So here we had a Lethal Lockdown match. I’m not entirely sure WHY we had a Lethal Lockdown match, since none of these feuds seems so heated that they needed to resurrect their main event match from April to settle the feud in, but I’m not going to complain since it gave all of these guys something to do. They had themselves a fun and entertaining match in there, and I don’t really have any complaints, but it just felt kind of uninspired on the whole. There was nothing here we haven’t seen before in similar matches, and the win didn’t seem to really settle anything. But hey, you take what you can get, and what I got here was 15 minutes of fun brawling in a cage. I’m not gonna turn my nose up at that so easily.

70 out of 100.

Vice: Why the fuck is TNA doing a lethal lockdown match here? That’s like doing a royal rumble match at No Mercy.

The match wasn’t bad, but it was fairly mediocre. I just wasn’t feeling it at all. It didn’t have that intensity and fire to it that other lethal lockdown matches have had.

Team Beer Money (In 3D) over The British Event Mafia Following the DWI.
Segment 15 – Rhino Is Uncomfortably Close To You Right Now.

Cewsh: Or at least that’s how it seems as he gets in so close to the camera lens and starts yelling so loud that he’d set off all the car alarms in Detroit if they hadn’t already been stolen (ZING!). He actually uses the sentence “Real men put on wrestling boots!” in relation to Bobby Lashley’s woeful unpreparedness to wrestle Rhino tonight, implying, somehow, that men are more manly if they PRETEND to fight, rather than when they actually punch each other in the face as hard as they can. This is an interesting viewpoint. Perhaps we should conduct an informal survey. I will offer to punch Egotistico Fantastico in the face and he can pretend to punch me back, and we’ll let a studio audience vote on who seems more manly.

I am eager to make this happen. For scientific purposes of course.

Segment 16 – Bobby (The Thunder God) Lashley vs. (The Bore Machine) Rhino.

Cewsh: Man, you have no idea how nervous I am right now.

It’s not everyday your favorite wrestler comes out of retirement to have a high profile match at a show that you get to review. Its been a long time now since Chris Jericho came back to my excited,womanlike shrieks of joy, and now with Lashley coming back to wrestle, I’m really very much anticipating what the future may bring. However, as much as I’d like to be the President of the Bobby Lashley Mark Out Club, there are more than a few concerns. Will he be willing to bump around since he’s concentrating on MMA primarily? Will he have more ring rust than he can handle? Will they put him in some ridiculous outfit and job him to Rhino? These are serious concerns.

From the start of the match, though, my fears start to ebb. Lashley comes out still looking more jacked and ripped than any one man really has any right to without being on steroids, and dressed exactly like he was in WWE. He then proceeds to, in the opening moments, show tremendous agility, speed, and pretty much a lack of noticeable ring rust. On the surface at least. Unfortunately, there is more to this match than simply the opening moments. Don’t get me wrong, Lashley does his best, and even Rhino seems to be trying really hard out there, but what they are doing never formulates itself into an enjoyable match. Lashley is out there getting his ass kicked for pretty much the entire duration of the match, until he suddenly makes a lightning fast comeback, and accidentally spears the ref. This allows Rhino to hit the Gore and cover Lashley as another ref fills in, and, apparently hearing my vocal outburst from several states away, he managed to kick out anyway, before punching Rhino in the face and covering him for the three count.

Now I want to say here that this was a fantastic match and Bobby Lashley is perfect and all that, but I can’t right now. This was a middling to bad match featuring two limited performers who had zero chemistry with one another and both with their share of ring rust. Rhino was not the ring general Lashley needed here, and Lashley wasn’t the bumping machine that Rhino needed. Better things are in the future of both men (yes, even Rhino) I have no doubt. Tonight just wasn’t the night.

Sowwy Bobby. 😦

58 out of 100.

Vice: I’m still laughing about the concept of Rhino vs. Lashley here. There seriously is not a worse pairing in the eyes of the Cewsh for Lashley’s PPV debut. Cewsh thinks that Lashley is the greatest and, naturally, he gets paired up against RHINO of all people. Ahahahahhaa. It’s amazing. TNA totally just pulled its dick out, buttered it up and slapped Cewsh in the jaw for the knockout blow.

I have nothing against Lashley, but I’m not gaga over him either. He’s decent/good, depending on what’s going on. I really have to question why Rhino is TNA’s go-to guy. “We need to bring this guy in and have him put on the show of a lifetime so we can push him as a credible main eventer in a few months. Okay, we’ll give him 10 minutes with Rhino! That’ll show his potential!” At least Rhino isn’t so fucking fat anymore. And bloody hell can he not cut a promo.

This match was ridiculously boring and an awful way of making Lashley seem like a big deal. I also do not like how Lashley’s finisher is a punch to the jaw. OOOHHH HE’S SUCH A BADASS GUY IN MMA SO HE MUST PUNCH PEOPLE YAY FOR GIMMICKY NONSENSE! He’s not even a knockout artist in MMA, either. If he had a few wins with ridiculous punches to the jaw, then fine. But no.


Sorry Cewsh.

(Cewsh Note: 😦 )

Bobby Lashley Over Rhino Following The Knock Out Blow.
Segment 16 – Sting and AJ Are Bestest Buddies.

Cewsh: Good buddies, motivating each other to do well in this important match where they’ll be wrestling each other. Seriously, I hope one of these guys turns heel tonight, because if they don’t they’re basically smacking me in the face with the big hearty dick of happy nice friendship time. As an 18-24 year old male, I demand titties, explosions, or violent double crosses, and I demand them NOW before my Hot Pocket finishes cooking.

Segment 107 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt (The Don) Angle © vs. AJ (The Tron) Styles vs. (The Icon) Sting vs. Matt (The…Mastadon?) Morgan.

Cewsh: So they all come to the ring and then everyone get’s introduced. Before we can officially start the match, though, we get ourselves a bit of a surprise…

Segment 107 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Kurt (The Don) Angle © vs. AJ (The Tron) Styles vs. (The Icon) Sting vs. Matt (The…Bison?) Morgan vs. (Fuck Nicknames, He’s) Hernandez.

Cewsh: Oh yes, Hernandez comes out and cashes in his Feast or Fired briefcase for his World title shot and is officially added to the match. As everyone else looks on in disbelief, Hernandez charges the ring and starts to beat Kurt Angle senseless. With each new power move used, Sting, Styles and Morgan get more comfortable together in the turnbuckle watching the show, as the man they all despise gets demolished by this new unexpected entity. Hernandez continues to fuck Angle’s shit right up and takes him up to the stage to Border Toss him off, before Eric Young runs out, hits him with a blackjack in the knee, and piledrives him on the steel. The fans seem more confused than anything, but as the cart Hernandez out of the building, they start to realize what happened, and they are not happy about it.

Luckily for them, and all of us, what we then get is a fucking great fatal four way match, and probably the best championship match that TNA has put on this year. There’s flying, there’s brawling, there’s submissions, there’s countering, there’s everything that all of these guys individually bring to the table, and for the first time, it all truly meshed in a main event match. Everyone looked like a star here, especially Morgan, who just effortlessly dominated everyone for the entire duration of the match, and basically looked like an unstoppable Terminator robot. Even though Angle and Morgan were made to look kingly, however, this match belonged to Sting and Styles. All through the weeks leading up to this, where Sting pulled Styles from the brink of retirement and pushed and prodded him towards this match, there was a definite feeling that something momentous was going to occur here, even if I couldn’t figure out exactly what it was. I thought Sting was going to turn heel on AJ.

I was wrong.

As the match winds down, and everyone hits their finishers on everyone else, Angle finds himself laid out in the ring with both Sting and AJ standing over him. Either man is fully capable of winning the match there and then, and as they make eye contact, you can tell that they both know it. Holding AJ’s gaze, Sting climbs out of the ring and leaps onto Morgan, allowing AJ to hit a springboard 450 and cover Kurt Angle for the 1…2….3. Let me repeat that, because it may be hard to believe. AJ Styles pins Kurt Angle clean in the middle of the ring to win the TNA World Heavyweight Championship after Sting purposefully and intentionally passes him the torch.

After all the nonsense of the Main Event Mafia and The Frontline, after over a year of shenanigans and talk about respect, after month after month of seemingly directionless booking with no end in sight, here it is. This is the moment it had all been building to. Whether this had been the plan all along I don’t know, but all of that history, combined with the fact that AJ Styles has been so deserving of this for so long and went unrecognized despite all his efforts, caused that moment where Sting and AJ made eye contact to be, frankly, the most emotional moment in a wrestling ring since Shawn Michaels apologized to Ric Flair. Sting finally passed the torch, and after years and years of waiting, AJ Styles is finally at the top of the heap, and is the champion of the company he is synonymous with.

I know we say a lot of bad things about TNA, and they’re mostly deserved, without a doubt. But nothing can taint this perfect moment, and they constructed it all on their own, in the harshest conditions possible. They took this lump of coal of a storyline, pressed real hard, and when I was least expecting it, they handed me a diamond.

Well done, TNA. You’ve got my attention.

85 out of 100.

Cewsh Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This has potential to be a really good match. You’ve got two veterans of varying greatness, in Sting and Kurt Angle. Then you’ve got the high flying of AJ Styles, who has been at the top before in TNA. Finally you’ve got the ridiculous size, strength and agility of Morgan who is hungry for gold and respect.

Like usual, the entrances, the videos, the introductions, all of that.. it’s all pretty epic and makes the match seem pretty huge. Then, to fake it a five way fiesta, Big Supermex Hernandez comes out with his [strike]money in the bank[/strike] feast of fired briefcase, and cashes it in. This is where it gets kind of confusing. He doesn’t actually make it a five way fiesta. From what it appears, him cashing it in gives him a one on one match with Kurt Angle while the other three look on. Since they need a match as well, the bell rings and there are two separate matches going on. Or something. Who knows. While Hernandez is taking Angle to school, Eric Young comes out and whacks Hernandez with a nightstick and piledrives him onto the stage. Hernandez gets up sympathy pops and Young gets some heat, but it also really deflates the crowd. The doctors come out to check on Hernandez and eventually he is taken to the back as Kurt Angle rejoins the match he was originally a part of.

Did I mention that the whole “tease” really killed the crowd? It’s the problem with the Impact zone. They are either super hot or they are dead. Let’s compare this to a WWE crowd. They would have given Hernandez an Austin pop when he came out to cash his shit in. Then they would have booed the fucking SHIT out of Young when he chops the big face down and screws him out of his briefcase and potential title win. Then they’d get back into the main event match that was planned, or hell, they might even be more rabid for it now. Stupid Impact zone.

Well, the match itself was not [i]that[/i] good. It did kind of feel like a big Impact main event. I’m not saying it was bad, but it was a huge match on paper with a surprise appearance/death of Supermex, and wasn’t wrestled like a big, important match. There were some good interactions between the wrestlers involved, but nothing that made me want to rewind it. Aside from the finish, of course, which I absolutely LOVED.

Leading up to this match, it was all about AJ Styles’ rise to the top again. With Angle down in the middle of the ring and Morgan on the outside, Sting and AJ have a quick stare down. Sting leaves the ring and jumps on Morgan, who was up to his feet and coming to the ring. Sting made sure that Morgan stayed out of the match, which allowed AJ to hit his springboard 450 onto Angle for the title win. It was fucking awesome and very well done, even though Angle was much deader than he really should have been. Sting sacrifices his own shot at glory to give the spotlight to AJ. Confetti starts flying everywhere. Daniels comes out to hug his best friend. Fans jump out of their seats and flood the ring. AJ is hoisted up with the gold held high. It was great. I won’t even bitch about Daniels not selling a fucking thing from his match with Joe.

Now, this is when it shifts from “amazing moment” to “oh TNA…”. Borash gets in the ring and puts the mic in front of Styles’ mouth so he can give his YO ADRIAN I DID IT!!! speech. The only thing that could have made this moment better was if someone had, you know, bothered turning on the microphone that AJ was shouting into.


Alright, so, here is Styles’ win and the celebration that follows. While watching the celebration a third time and doing the timing in my head, I worked out that “Fin” by Anberlin would be almost perfect. Guess what?

Had to host it with my Photobucket account, ‘cause TNA doesn’t appreciate people posting good things about their company on YouTube. But hey, if you want to see blips, blops, botches, script reading, technical difficulties, failures, and of course the Impact Zone on fire.. then go right ahead to YouTube.


Yeah, he was nowhere to be seen, which really makes you wonder why he cashed it in the first place. If I was a betting rodent, which I may be, I’d say that Hernandez will somehow get his briefcase back. Or, it could just be TNA being TNA. Hell, it could turn into a really hot angle for all I know. I’m curious, though. Really curious.

Cewsh: Post match, a bunch of fans mob the ring, and parade Styles around, looking genuinely happy and in awe to be with him celebrating that moment. A random girl shyly hugs him and jumps up and down in excitement, and Christopher Daniels is there, soaking up the pleasure of seeing his best friend, in wrestling and in life, reach the highest peak in the company they love.

What more could you want man? It’s the perfect happy ending to the longest running story in wrestling. Assuming it is the end. It is the end, right? Please, TNA, don’t fuck this up.

AJ Styles Over Everyone Else Following A Springboard 450 To Kurt Angle.



Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: Man, if you had asked me, going into the main event, how the show had been, I probably would have been iffy on it, and pretty down in general. After all, pretty much everything disappointed or was ridiculous in some way or another. So leave it to the main event to come out of nowhere to not only steal the show, but make me honestly wish that I had paid money to see it. A great main event can cure pretty much every thing, and this is the case the proves the rule. Styles winning is a moment I’ll remember for a lifetime, and TNA has earned themselves a huge dose of goodwill from me, as a result. Styles as champ and Lashley a big focus? Yeah TNA, you’ve got me bad.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 64.2 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, the PPV had its ups and downs like most shows. When it was hot, it was a fucking bonfire. When it wasn’t, it was a swing and a miss. Not an “almost touched it” miss, but a “I haven’t even thrown the ball yet!” miss.

Vice’s Final Score: 60 out of 100.

Vice’s Awards:

Alright, that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed yourselves through many shocking occurrences (not the least of which that I didn’t squeal for 6 pages about Bobby Lashley.) TNA has given us a ton to think about on the last stop before their biggest event of the year Bound For Glory. We’re mega excited for it, but that’s not until next month. So what’s next week’s offering you ask? Why, my dear sir or madam, it is none other than WCW Superbrawl 2000! Why that random show of no individual historical significance, you wonder? I respond by saying that its part of a general effort on our part to cover and discuss the most controversial and historically signifigant events and happenings in wrestling history one by one, and this time its the fall of WCW. How better than to pick out a random PPV for the last year of their existence and break down what was wrong? Its like a history lesson with more cursing and pictures of tits. So come back to the Cewsh Reviews Academy of Learning next week, and in the meantime remember to keep reading, and be good to one another.

WWE Breaking Point 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the Tony (Danza) Award winning Cewsh Reviews… We have a special treat for you tonight as we review the very first, to my knowledge, submission themed PPV in wrestling history, WWE Breaking Point! Rather than your regularly scheduled WWE show, we have, as I mentioned, a submission themed show here, and one main evented by the heavily Cewsh Review sponsored CM Punk at that. So to say that there is intrigue to see how this show goes is an understatement. Can WWE turn this idea into something truly special like Survivor Series or the Royal Rumble? Can CM Punk cement himself as a main eventer for life tonight? Will Vice end his life rather than to have to see John Cena and Randy Orton face each other? Only time and our local coroner will tell.

So without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!


Cewsh: So they start out the night with this video package which shows most of the major players that will be featured tonight through a sort of broken glass picture effect, making all the images seem like they’re being seen through a broken mirror. This is interesting enough, but then after about 5 seconds they abandon that for your normal, by the numbers video package. Which is a shame, because its been a long time since either of the major companies really impressed me with their output in this area, despite the absurd talent that both WWE and TNA have in this area.

Yes, that’s right. We’re starting the night off with compliments for both TNA and WWE. Whether this continues or not is entirely up to them. (And by “them” we mean whichever one of them doesn’t employ Rhino).

Also, didn’t everyone important in Lynard Skynard die in that plane crash? Did they record the theme to this PPV Tupac style, from beyond the grave? Mysterious!

Segment 2 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – (The) Jeri(Peep)Show © vs. M(Mars)V(Venus)P(Pluto, Oh Wait, Not So Much) and Mark (The Shark) Henry.

Cewsh: Right off the bat, this is kind of a hard match to call. See, a few months ago, the idea of Mark Henry and MVP teaming up, as faces, and getting a tag title shot on PPV would have come off as certifiably looney bin, so to see it actually occurring is somewhat surreal. On the other hand, however, this whole mini feud has actually gone really well, in no small part due to Big Show and Chris Jericho being absolutely on fire at making everyone they face look like legitimate threats to their title reign, no matter how unlikely those opponents may be. They made Cryme Tyme look like a Salma Hayek in a school girl uniform (good, to say the least), and now they’ve been doing the same for these two guys. Can the magic continue?

Mmm, Salma Hayek. One moment please.

Ah, now let’s continue.

The match starts off with each guy coming down in their swanky way, including MVP debuting a new ring outfit with the sleeves cut off, with looks loads better, and less like he’s wrapped in really bright Saran Wrap. The match begins, and we get pretty much what you’d expect. Jericho and MVP spend a lot of time wrestling with each other, and then one of the big guys comes in and fucks shit up for awhile. Now despite the overness of Jericho here in Montreal (and he is over), I would be completely remiss if I didn’t mention just how over Mark Henry is in this match. MVP gets his pops here and there, sure, but every time Henry does ANYTHING, from trying to slam the Big Show, to bullying Jericho around, those motherfuckers explode like fireworks in a match factory. He’s so over, actually, that the end of the match winds up coming off as much hotter and more fun than it really was, and the crowd deserves some genuine credit for taking this good match, and making it really fun to watch. I know I’m down on the fans a lot, but they were in it to have fun here, and it helped everything along.

As for the match in and of itself, well it wasn’t mind blowing. Jericho and Show made MarkVP look good, and like genuine threats, and that’s pretty much exactly what the job description entailed tonight. It wasn’t as good as their match against Cryme Tyme, but then, Cryme Tyme are an actual tag team with more than 3 weeks of working together, so really its natural that that would be the case. I don’t know if this feud is going to continue on, or if Jerishow are moving on to bigger and better things, but everyone can go home tonight knowing they did a fine day’s work.

70 out of 100.

Vice: MVP and WSM have matching attire for the most part. Guess who looks better in it?

This is a good opener and a fairly good match overall. Mark Henry is ridiculously over, here. Amazingly so, even. Jericho doesn’t get the hero’s welcome because apparently he shat on Canada recently. God forbid he get cheers in his own country. Fucking foreigners.

Big Show and Jericho win. That’s pretty awesome, I guess. Big Show’s “WE CAN’T BE BEAT! YEAH! WE CAN’T BE BEAT!” reminded me of drunken video game trash talking, but it was still kind of cool. Big Show is quite large, mind you.

Jerishow Over MarkVP Following A Right Hand From Show To Henry.

Segment 3 – Legacy. Cody’s The Smart One. Ted’s The One Who Uses Props.

Cewsh: Legacy are backstage and they cut a promo talking about how this match with DX is just going to be a fight, and that even though they aren’t big submission guys, it won’t matter, because they’ll find other ways to win. Then Ted pulls out some DX glowsticks (conceivably purchased from!), to illustrate the point that DX are fun and flashy, but are destined to fade away to irrelevance. Powerful stuff. Almost as powerful as this whiskey in front of me.

Oh drunken reviews, you’re MY legacy.

Segment 4 – WWE United States Championship – Kofi (Ice Joggings) Kingston © vs. The Miz (Rather Than, Say, The Fizz).

Cewsh: Initially I can’t shake the feeling that this should have been the match that opened the show, even if I had no real idea that this match was even going to take place on this show at all. Still though, Kofi really was surprisingly over with this crowd coming out, and a high flying midcard match always works wonders as an opener to get the fans excited. But I digress.

Both men make their way to the ring, and in a moment of true journalistic shame, I realize that I didn’t know until this exact moment that Kofi Kingston was still the United States champion. They make such a small amount of fuss about him on television, that its frankly an afterthought, more or less. The Miz, on the other hand, is given tons of tv time in his spiffy new “I’m a real wrestler now” outfit, even though he’s only the challenger, so I KNOW that he ISN’T the champion, but would like to be. The match starts, and pretty much instantly they jump into the near falls. Now ordinarily, I am not for endless strings of nearfalls defining the structure of a match like this. Going for pins is great, and adds to the match, but sometimes (see most of the Miz’s solo matches), the desire to make midcard matches feel somehow more grandiose than they are can work against a match of this type and cause it to break down into a bit of a mess. Thankfully, that isn’t the case here as these two guys show great chemistry together from the outset, and set about putting on a show.

Oh yes, a show is exactly what we got, as both men repeatedly try to go for all of the signature moves in their arsenals, hitting most, and dazing each other into what seems like surefire victories at various points. Towards the end of the match they begin swapping nearfalls like they were goddamn Pokemon Cards (or whatever the kids do these days, whippersnappers), and neither man can definitively gain the upper hand, as they go back and forth over and over until finally, out of nowhere, comes the knockout blow, bringing this match to a close.

This wasn’t a perfect match, and I don’t think it would really be fair to expect it to be. Both of these guys still seem to be finding their feet in the ring, and neither has really established themselves definitely as a solo guy yet. However, this match was a great indicator of what these two men may well become down the line, and I was reminded of nothing so much as the Randy Orton/Shelton Benjamin and Randy Orton/Edge matches from a few years back, when all the guys involved were making their way to the top little by little, and you could see the potential ooozing off of them, looking for the right place to be funneled. These guys have it, and they work great together. I hope this isn’t the last time we get to see them together.

77 out of 100.

Vice: Miz speaks French, Kofi still speaks Rasta. Well, when he gets mic time. It’s really astonishing how far Miz has come. Yeah, I know I’m a bit late to the Mizwagon, but I really didn’t see it until very recently. To me he was always the better-than-he-should-be TV guy, but now I see him as a legitimately good wrestler and overall talent. He is such a penis.

This was a very fun little match. It was nothing groundbreaking or amazing, but very solid and enjoyable. Was kind of hoping to see Miz pick up the title, but Kofi can hold it forever as far as I’m concerned.

And yes, Sting’s crow theme > Kofi’s theme.

Kofi Kingston Over The Miz Following The Trouble In Paradise.
Segment 5 – Submission Counts Anywhere Match – D(Destruction)-Generation X vs. The Legacy (Of…Rain?).

Cewsh: This feud has been the goddamn macaroni and cheese. The Kraft kind. Not that Velveeta bullshit they try to push on you to be somehow classier for no reason. These two teams have come together and are producing some matches and angles that are just absolutely white hot, and have rejuvenated both teams to the extent that I would have accepted this as the main event of this PPV. I controversially gave these guys’ tag match at Summerslam not only a score putting them way out ahead for Tag Match of the Year, but right up there with any match anywhere in the world that we have seen this year. I don’t know if this can live up to that, but I’m excited as hell to find out.

DX comes out first, and cut their usual spiel, but before they can direct all of us to suck things, the entire crowd as one breaks into a chant of “You Screwed Bret”. Now to those of our stalwart readers that perhaps are not aware of what they’re referring to, people in Montreal are still slightly peeved over the events that occurred at Survivor Series in 1997, where Bret Hart, a Canadian National Hero, was essentially (and oh so controversially) “screwed” out of his WWE Championship by Shawn Michaels, Earl Hebner, and Vince McMahon because he was leaving for WCW. This was a real thing that happened, as near as anyone can figure, and not at all a storyline. As this happened to their hero in their city, Montreal fans have been notoriously touchy about this, even a decade later. Rather than ignore the chants, Triple H stands up, acknowledges them, and then informs them all that it was all Shawn’s fault, as Shawn tries comically to shush him. The fans laugh, they get on with the show. Problem solved. You have to give Triple H credit for that. He never let it rattle him, and with a few words he won people who believe they have every right to hate him over to his side.

Why did it take him so long to become a babyface?

The match starts and it immediately spills out to the floor. Both teams immediately lock on to one another and pretty much start brawling all over the arena, making this look more like a Street Fight than a Submission match. In the midst of all of the fighting, though, all 4 men try out various ways of getting the other guy to submit, all of which impressed the hell out of me with their inventiveness. From using the handrails on the stairs to choke a guy, to using a chair to administer a sick looking Sharpshooter/Camel Clutch combination, to duel Figure Fours in the midst of dozens of screaming fans, this match was just a study in arena brawling, with the submission twist serving to make the whole thing seem incredibly fresh and fun to watch.

There’s a ton of brawling and fun spots, and they even manage to work in numerous babyface in peril moments, to point out to me the brilliance of the fact that they turned this into a traditional tag match, just on a grander, more unique scale. The heels get the heat, the face made the comebacks, and all the while Legacy just kept chipping away at them, and chipping away at them, and isolating them one at a time and wrecking havoc, and just looking like absolute killers out there, while DX played the roles of heroic babyfaces working hard against an unexpected threat that even the MONTREAL audience came around to the side of Triple H and Shawn Michaels after awhile, and seemed to forget that they had been chanting “You Screwed Bret” just minutes earlier.

I won’t spoil the ending here, but suffice to say that Legacy came away from this match looking like absolute Greek Gods, and while I don’t know where things go from here, I honestly don’t care. Legacy are so hot and excellent, and fantastic right now that they could feud with fucking Doink and Dink and I’d be glued to the screen to see them, and DX look vulnerable for the first time in ages, and have finally met a team that they can’t joke their way past. Wherever this goes, and however this ends, I’m in, man. I’m in.

89 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Ah, Shawn Michaels in Canada. Wait a minute, DX just got an insane face pop. Then Triple H reminds us all about what happened over a decade ago and blames Shawn. Ok, that actually made me giggle a bit. Crowd chants YOU SCREWED BRET, which is the least surprising thing in the world to me. It’s a vicious cycle, really. Canadian fans won’t shut the fuck up about the screwjob, but at the same time, WWE seriously just can’t go to Canada without totally fucking with them. It will probably go on forever.

That said, this was a very fun match. Yes, Cewsh, it reminded me a lot of WWF/E back in the day. Like, I dunno, the Attitude Era?

This match was full of fun stuff, with the youngsters going up against the guys that were cool (if they were ever…) doing this gimmick over a decade ago. You know, I really can’t wait for Triple H to turn heel again and foam from the mouth constantly. The highlight of this match was the cooler of death. Not only is Triple H knocked out with it initially, but Ted whacks Triple H in the skull with it once more while he was out. It was fucking hilarious.

Oh, and honorable mention goes to Shawn Michaels’ 8 foot fall onto the mattress. Oh the brutality! I thought this was a PG show!? Yeah, use a mattress/box fortress if you’re doing a spot where someone is falling 20-60 feet, but if it’s a relatively small spot, either take it like a man or don’t bother. It just looks stupid. It reminds me of those backstage brawls where two guys are trying to kill each other. One picks the other up and powerbombs them onto.. a bag of packing peanuts. When looking to end the career of another, don’t even think about slamming them onto the hard ground. Or the cinder blocks laying around. Or cars. Or anything else around. Slam them onto a bag of packing peanuts. It also takes me back to stuff like the build-up to Wrestlemania with HHH and Batista back in the day. One person is about to get run over by JBL’s limo (I think) and someone makes the save by shoving the other onto a giant mound of soft cardboard boxes, sitting there for absolutely zero reason. But I guess they should be thankful for that mound of soft cardboard boxes, because falling over onto concrete could kill you, you know.

Even though it took both men applying a submission hold to Shawn to get the win, it still put Legacy over huge. And bloody hell was that an amazing dual submission. Maybe it’s a DUBmission. Get it? Yeah. What a dubmission. Legacy looked like a million bucks here. The absolute most important thing about their victory, though, is that Triple H did not pull a sledgehammer out of the ref’s collar and absolutely kill Legacy after the match was over. It’s sad how awful Triple H tends to be with stuff like that. He’ll beat the crap out of someone, win, and then beat the crap out of them some more to show his dominance. If he loses, he beats the crap out of them to show his TRUE dominance and that it was merely a fluke. Hell, when people help him out, he generally beats the crap out of them too just so that he’s the last man standing. It’s shitty.

Shawn Michaels tapped out in Canada, though. Like, he actually tapped out. His hand moved and hit the ring post a few times and all that. CLOSURE, right? Let’s see how badly WWE fucks with the WWE Universe in the main event. I mean, it IS a submission match in Montreal.

Legacy over DX Following A Figure Four/Million Dollar Dream Combination On The Ringpost.

Segment 6 – Josh Matthews Is A Dick.

Cewsh: Josh Matthews goes into Randy Orton’s locker room, and asks if he can ask one question. Orton agrees to this so long as Matthews sits down and asks him. Matthews does, and asks about Legacy. Orton says he knew they’d win. Matthews tries to ask another question, and Orton completely, and rightfully, calls him out for lying about only having one question.

Oh snap JM! You got bizzurned forshizzurned! You were all like “Can I ask another question?” and he was all like “Bitch please!” and you were all “Sad face” and I was all “Say whaaaat?!”


Orton then proceeds to cut one of the most wonderfully evil promos I’ve ever heard anyone cut this side of Jake Roberts, and basically says that John Cena can’t know that he is incapable of quitting until Orton shows him. Its creepy, its evil, and its leagues ahead of anything Orton was managing even a few months ago. I don’t know what they’re putting in the water in The Legacy’s locker room, but fuck man. Share that shit out.

(Cewsh Note: Vice informs me that as Matthews sits down he blatantly farts. Now I am not going to check this for myself, but those those of you interesting in a WWE announcer breaking wind on a live show, by all means check it frame by frame for yourself.


Segment 7 – Singapore Cane Match – (Singapore) Kane vs. The Great (Bait) Khali.

Vice: Oh what to say about this match. Shitty? Dreadful? Fuck you, WWE?

Think negative and use your imagination.

Cewsh: Hmm. Welp. It was a Kane and Khali match. With Singapore canes this time.

So, uh, yeah. Stuff happened and stuff. People got hit with canes. People fell down. People punched each other. I ate Cinnamon Sticks from Dominos.

That’s about it.

47 out of 100.

Kane Over The Great Khali Following A Chokeslam.
Segment 8 – CM Punk Talks About Current Events.

Cewsh: Specifically about Jeff Hardy’s arrest and how that basically makes him totally and completely right about everything he’s said for weeks. Its hard to argue with him, since he pretty much foretold the future, and he says that since he was right about that, he’ll be right about his ability to beat the Undertaker too. Then the lights go out and he freaks the hell out, but it turns out to be Jimmy Wang Yang with the light switch fucking with him. Punk then proceeds to beat ten kinds of fuck out of Yang before calmly finishing the interview and wandering off.

Now I wasn’t too keen initially on the idea of referencing something that is such bad publicity for wrestling like the Hardy thing, but since it really does add tons of credibility to Punk’s character and statements, and since it was my beloved Punker who was doing it, I really can’t fault the idea, and it was presented as an afterthought, which is good too. No need to dwell on the badness.

Also, CM Punk is amazing. But you already knew that.

Segment 9 – ECW Championship – Christian (At Last You’re On Your Own) © vs. William (A Man’s Man) Regal.

Cewsh: Christian? Regal? Yeah, okay. I think I can get into that. That’s what we in showbiz call MOTIVATION.

Christian and Regal come out, Regal with his entourage or Vladamir Kozlov and Ezekiel Jackson, and Christian, conceivably buoyed by his Peeps. The ring announcer states that the ECW General Manager Tiffany has given him a ruling that Jackson and Kozlov are barred from ringside for this match and that if they do not leave immediately then Regal will forfeit his title shot. To say that William Regal is displeased about this is an understatement. So they leave, and Regal successfully gets his robe off without losing any matches, and they get started.

From the start this is sort of an oddly paced match. Regal and Christian have styles that, while both excellent, don’t necessarily mesh in the greatest of ways, in much the same way that Regal struggles often against guys who don’t work stiff and intense like he does. They still put together an enjoyable contest, though, as all of the staples of recent Christian matches get their time in the sun, and Regal is allowed to look like his dastardly self. Ultimately, though, I had trouble getting into this match, and it didn’t feel like it had very much emotion to it. Maybe it was a lack of chemistry, maybe it was a clash of styles, or maybe it was just that the match didn’t work out the way they wanted, but I came away from this feeling vaguely disappointed that it wasn’t more than it was.

They busted their asses to have a great match, and I’d never fault them for that, but I can’t help but feeling like these two guys have a great match together in them. I can only hope to see it one day, and tell you concretely that this was not it.

69 out of 100.

Vice: This is the match I was expecting at Summerslam and was upset that we didn’t get. However, at least we got it this time. This is Regal doing what he does best—just beating the shit out of his opponent. Also, I’ve gotta say how much I love Regal’s look these days. So much better than when he had really short hair and red trunks. He was still an awesome wrestler, but looked really stupid. He just looks like a massive badass these days. I like how he’s not in amazing shape, either. There’s something more convincing about a guy with a body type like his (and like Finlay) than super toned guys when it comes to knocking people silly. I love Regal. Christian has been great since his return to WWE.

This was a very good match. Tons of stiff strikes, nasty suplexes and general ass kicking. Everything I wanted it to have. I’m slightly sad that Regal didn’t win the title, but it’s not like I was expecting him to. The ending made a lot of sense, too. It just worked. It almost made me forget that Kane and Khali were in the previous match.

Christian over William Regal Following The Killswitch.

Segment 10 – Dolph Ziggler Should Refrain From Quitting His Day Job.

Cewsh: Pat Patterson comes out to celebrate his hometown of Montreal and the upcoming 30th anniversary of the Intercontinental Championship, the first winner of which was, of course, him. He cuts a snazzy little promo in French and the crowd laps it up, despite the man not having been on a WWE screen since basically the Attitude Era. Montreal has a long memory. Then he goes to introduce the current Intercontinental Champion, but he gets Dolph Ziggler instead, who comes out and delivers about 30 of the worst old man jokes I have ever heard and then kicks Patterson in the stomach, and bails before Morrison makes the save.

Now my advice in the header is meant earnestly, but if he’s attempting to be a great heel instead of a stand up comedian (absurd, I know), then he did a bang up job because he got the holy blubbercunt booed out of him in the short time he was talking, and Morrsion got a huge pop for making the save. So yeah. He’s really good at his day job. Which is lucky for him AND us. Can you imagine a Vegas act with Jillian singing and Ziggler telling jokes? Ugh. Doesn’t bear thinking about.

Segment 11 – WWE Championship – I Quit Match – Randy (He Hears Voices In His Head) Orton © vs. John (BRABADOO!) Cena.

Cewsh: Coming into this match I was dangling somewhere between “Meh” and “I guess I want to know who wins.” Following the 3 minutes of brilliance that can only properly be categorized as a hype video, I jetted all the way up to “Fucking excited.” That thing reminded me of everything about this feud that is awesome and great and exciting and completely masks anything bland or uninspired, and as a result they have manufactured just that simply a big fight feel that this match desperately needed in order to succeed. Well fucking done WWE. You stepped up big time, and now I’m ready to get this show on the motherfucking road.

Now I said this match had a big fight feel. I was wrong. This match very quickly, through the introductions and the presenting of the title, acquires a feel more closely related to a Wrestlemania match than a Vengeance match. Then, as the tension mounts, Cena charges Orton to get things started, as Orton tries desperately to fend him off. As the opening moments go by this is all Cena all the time. Cena slams and bumps Orton around for awhile until Orton changes up the momentum with a monitor shot to the head of Cena.

From then on, this is the Orton Show guest starring a beat the fuck up John Cena. He pulls Cena half into the ring to deliver his patented rope DDT, and the referee asks Cena if he’ll quit before he gets the move done to him. He refuses and BLAM, planted into the mat, where he stays motionless for several moments as Orton sets up a chair for a repeat of the devastating RKO he performed on Cena on Raw. Cena fires up and makes his comeback though, onto to be shut down again by Orton. The Viper strikes again.

A few destructive shots with various objects to the head later, Cena is in a very bad way, and Orton is already looking triumphant. Then he pulls out the handcuffs. Holy shit. Instantly I flash back to when Orton handcuffed Triple H and proceeded to abuse Stephanie so badly it made Triple H cry. He handcuffs Cena to the top rope and the beating continues as Cena repeatedly refuses to say the words “I Quit”, until Orton undoes the handcuffs and cuffs Cena’s hands together, suspending him from the corner of the ring post. This is where the real beating starts. Punches, chair shots, and kicks result, followed by Orton throwing water in Cena’s face to keep him from passing out, which Cena then promptly spits back at Orton.

Big mistake.

Orton goes under the ring and finds himself a kendo stick, and he lays into Cena with it; hitting him so hard and so often that he falls over with the momentum, and raises some of the most disgusting welts on Cena’s chest and stomach that I have ever seen. Cena, though, remains steadfast and still refuses to quit, and somehow manages to fight back, low blow Orton and falling to the floor finally, with his hands bound together. He gets up to finally bring the fight to Orton and BANG, a chairshot to the face sends him to the ground again. Handcuffed to the rope again, Cena finds himself once again at the mercy of Randy Orton, and a mouse could starve on what you can find there. More chairshots, more punishment, and more denials from Cena follow, until Orton gets a little too close, and Cena snatches the key away, unlocking the handcuffs and finally freeing himself.

What does John Cena do once he’s free? He handcuffs himself to Randy Orton. Its fucking clobberin’ time.

Cena peppers Orton with lefts and rights, beating him all around ringside as Orton can’t find any way to get away. He throws Orton in the ring and continues his fire, until Orton hits the RKO out of absolutely nowhere on him, stopping even THIS momentum short. Orton knows it’s a temporary fix though, so he searches about for the key, and finds it barely out of reach. He strains for it, and he STRAINS for it, and he STRAAAAAINS for it, and what he doesn’t notice is John Cena recovering behind him until Cena grabs his leg, wraps the chain and Orton’s own arm around his head, and performs one of the sickest STF’s I have ever seen. Finally, FINALLY, Orton can take no more and submits. John Cena, after all the pain he went through, all that he endured, is your new WWE Champion.

Holy fuck, man.

I don’t know what I was expecting from this match. I don’t know if I thought it was just going to be another brawl in the vein of their past matches or what, but I was not expecting this. For nearly half an hour these two men put on a show that was as emotional as anything I’ve seen on television or movies this year. They did everything possible to not only tell a story, but to tell a totally unique story unlike anything I’ve ever seen in a wrestling ring, and it worked. Every second of it worked. Even the fans deadest against Cena, who sounded ambivalent at the beginning of the match were screaming their guts out one way or another at the end. I just can’t say enough about it. It wasn’t perfect by any stretch, but it was just so fucking emotional and exciting that I’m willing to forgive almost anything for it.

This, simply, was a fucking great match.

92 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: This whole match just felt like a scene from a TV show/movie. The way each person did their part, the mannerisms, the events.. everything. By now you must know how I feel about that. There were a bunch of parts that annoyed me, but a lot of things I liked. There are a lot of things I hate about the use of handcuffs in these sorts of matches. Mainly 1) if you have your opponent handcuffed to the ropes, why would you ever take the cuffs off? Just keep them there, ‘cause they can’t exactly do a heck of a lot. To add to that, once your opponent is cuffed, GET RID OF THE MOTHERFUCKING KEY FOR FUCK SAKE. Don’t wear it around your neck. Don’t leave them sitting in the ring somewhere.

I know it’s just wrestling and stuff like this adds to the drama, but I just wish wrestlers/refs/commentators/everyone weren’t fucking idiots. Heels are like villains out of cartoons. Faces are just complete morons. Refs are deaf, blind and mentally handicapped. My intelligence is constantly insulted. I just want people to act somewhat like how people actually act. Is that seriously too much to ask for?

I really loved how John Cena would say no when the mic was put in his face. He was in so much pain that he was eerily calm, fighting through it with heart. I have never been handcuffed to a wrestling ring and had someone beat the shit out of me with a Singapore cane.. but I have had moments where I was in extreme amounts of pain.. and John Cena hit it perfectly. However, when he was cuffed to the ring post and Orton hit him with the chair…


Oh man. I lost it. I had to watch it like 30 times because it was so fucking hilarious and ridiculous. I think it’s the most John Cena has ever overacted, which seriously says something. Amazing bit of unintentional comedy. Loved it. I’m honestly thinking about ripping out the audio, looping it a bunch of times.. maybe even slowing it down into a manly roar.. and using it as the alarm on my phone.

The ending to the match fucking sucked. The match was basically 95% Orton killing Cena, then Cena hitting his famed five moves of doom (give or take) and Orton taps out. Yes he is a heel and sometimes very cowardly, but that doesn’t mean he needs to quit after spending 3 seconds in the modified STF. Through all of his ridiculous tactics, he’s shown that the title is a part of him. It means a lot to him. He doesn’t want to give it up. He will do whatever it takes to hang on to it. But wait~! I QUIT I QUIT.


Orton sells 3 moves better than Cena sells 15 minutes of Iraqi torture. Fuck John Cena. He is a good talent and a fantastic wrestler to have under contract, but he is seriously not one of the best wrestlers in the world. Learn how to sell properly and consistently, you fucking chimpanzee. I’m not looking forward to this piece of shit having another title reign, I can tell you that much. Book him properly for god sake.

John Cena Over Randy Orton Following The STF.


Segment 12 – World Heavyweight Championship – Submission Match – CM (Communist Milkshake) Punk © vs. The (Holy Shit) Undertaker.

Vice: Now this is the match I want to see. A few years ago when WWE signed young CM Punk to a developmental contract, I really did think by now he’d be back in ROH, and we’d still be complaining that he was such a wasted talent by WWE. But, he is a god in WWE and doing things I never would have ever thought he’d be doing. Like, I dunno, FEUDING WITH THE FUCKING UNDERTAKER? And, of course, you know.. walking into the match as world heavyweight champion. In the main event.

Watching this live, I was already somewhat disappointed as the match begun. With only a small amount of time left in the show, the need for a video package, entrances (including Undertaker’s iron man entrance), introductions and post-match shenanigans, how much of a match could there be?

I wasn’t expecting some 35 minute showcase of godliness, but I’d be lying if I didn’t say I expected more than 10 minutes or so. I’m not sure if that’s how much time they were allotted to begin with, or if they were running behind and the main event just got shafted.. but it wasn’t a very long match. It just seemed to get started when it finished.

And by finish, I mean when Undertaker used a banned move to get the win. But, this is a submission match in Montreal of all places, so who reaaaaaally thought this match was over?

After another minute of wrestling, Punk locks the Vice in and the bell is rung. This is when it punches me in the balls how amazing this whole scenario is. I could ramble on about how astonished I am about Punk’s accomplishments, but he just fucked the Undertaker over in Montreal. How epic is that?

Punk is absolutely astonishing in the post-match. He’s such a cock. I would absolutely love it if he became the “model” champion. Mr. McMahon doesn’t want druggies and liabilities, so Punk is the perfect title holder in his eyes, and thus the two align with each other. Punk uses McMahon’s influence and power to project his straightedge beliefs with more of a voice, and McMahon makes sure that Punk holds onto the title. As long as Punk would stay badass, though. I wouldn’t want him doing a complete 180 and being a total chickenshit, because that would ruin everything.

I look forward to a longer Punk/Undertaker match. Hopefully they can put on a true classic.

Cewsh: Man, did you ever think we would see the day? I know it seems like I say this every month now, but every month, the story becomes more and more incredible. 3 time World Champion, main evented Summerslam, retired Jeff Hardy, and now this motherfucker is feuding with the fucking Undertaker. I wish I could be cool and say that I saw this coming, but I didn’t man. Not even close. I doubt even Punk could have. What a glorious age we live in, where the skinny kid from Chicago who feuded with Raven and crawled into my favorite wrestlers list seemingly just yesterday is now on top of the biggest wrestling company in the world. What a fucking great world, man.

So this absolutely unbelievable match of monumental proportions gets started exactly the way it should, With CM Punk running away and taunting the Undertaker. He makes Taker work for it for awhile before the Digitized Demon From Death Valley finally gets a hold of him and starts working him over. Punk takes control back by actually reversing the Old School (!), and they have some great back and forth until the Undertaker, completely out of nowhere slaps on the Hell’s Gate and Punk taps out.

Wait, what?

That’s right, Punk taps out, Taker gets the belt and Punk is almost to the back when Teddy Long comes out and points out that Vickie Guerrero banned that move on Smackdown months ago, and that her decision has not been overturned. The Undertaker is MILDLY perturbed at this new, and the match restarts.

As the restart happens, Punk chop blocks the Undertaker, slaps on the Anaconda Vice and immediately the referee calls for the bell. Both Punk and the ref run to the safety of the stage as the Undertaker dons the biggest “What the shitfuck just happened?” expression I’ve ever seen on anyone ever. Upon instant replay inspection, as Punk locked in the Vice, Taker’s hand briefly and gently touched the mat, and the ref decided that was him tapping out. CM Punk retains the title, and heads to the back with a huge smile on his face.

In case you somehow didn’t grasp that the first time, let me repeat it. CM PUNK REDID THE MONTREAL SCREWJOB. The crowd sat in just absolute stunned silence after this, as if they had no idea what to think, and the only sound was possibly me sitting in my living room laughing so hard I nearly threw up. CM Punk, this kid I’ve been watching since I was in high school, has grown up to re commit the most controversial event in the history of professional wrestling against the Undertaker while main eventing a PPV for the World Heavyweight title. Jesus Christ, I’m sick with how amazing this was. Punk came off as possibly the greatest heel I have ever seen in all my time watching wrestling, and the Undertaker played his role perfectly too, as a man who is going to kill someone once he figures out what the fuck is going on. Brilliant, brilliant.

This was a pretty good match, but ultimately that’s neither the purpose for this taking place, nor what it will be remembered for. The controversial ending, coupled with these two having gone at it for the first time, is more than enough to recommend this match to you, on top of the good wrestling contained within. There is no, and I mean no, excuse for you to not see this if you are a wrestling fan. Love it or hate it, they made history tonight.

85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

CM Punk Over The Undertaker Following The Montreal Screwjob Part II.


Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh: I really liked this show, as I think the score will indicate. It dragged at some points, and didn’t get off to a roaring start, but frankly you could have had Hornswaggle give messy fellatio to Big Dick Johnson in between the three matches that got my seal of approval and it still would have been a great show. WWE has been running some great shows with some fantastic matches running towards the end of the year, and every single one makes me more excited for the next. As for the Breaking Point concept, despite all the speculation that it would ruin things, I really felt like it gave a great sense of overall structure to the show, and something that tied many of the matches together. However since most of the matches didn’t bother with it, most of the time it hardly felt like a concept show at all. If this is the way shows are going to be from now on, then sign me up.

Keep bringing it guys. You’ve got me hooked and reeled, now pull me into the boat for good.

Viva La Punk!

Cewsh’s Final Score: 75.5 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall this show was pretty good. It had plenty of ups, but also a number of downs. I’d say the good outweighs the bad here, though. And the ending, while WWE just fucking with the Montreal fans yet again, was pretty incredible.

Vice’s Final Score: 65 out of 100.

Vice’s Awards:

(Cewsh Note: Mere award boxes could no longer contain the brilliance of one man. The choice of a new generation…)

Well that’ll do it for us this time boys and girls. We hope you had fun riding with us through this new concept PPV and all the controversy it will no doubt inspire. We had a great time disagreeing with one another and being glad that various state lines lie between us and a messy sword related death to explain. Be sure to join us again next week when we review TNA’s No Surrender. The last stop on the road to Bound For Glory, and the very first match for Bobby Lashley in years. It is, or course, with Rhino. Show up at the very least to see my tortured meditations on my favorite wrestler wrestling my least favorite, and stay for the free shrimp. With that said, until next time, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another!