WWE Night of Champions 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…


WWE Night of Champions 2009

Welcome cats and kittens to yet another installment of Cewsh Reviews 2: The One With The Knucklepuck. Tonight we have a special treat for you, as always, as we bring to you the only night of the year where every championship in the WWE is required to be on the line, the WWE Night of Champions. Now I have to tell you, the whole idea behind a championship only PPV is pretty cool to this humble reviewer, and these PPVs have, so far, been pretty good across the board, so hopes are running high on this night, especially since CM Punk is officially main eventing (like, for realz) his first PPPV here. Join us in rooting him on, as we all get gilded together.

Gilded. Like covered in gold, you see. Because the belts are gold? Well, kind of. Some of them.

Yeah.

ANYWAY, join the your favorite two lovable bastards, and the ever enchanting Ms. Cewsh and without further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review!

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: I feel kind of bad after watching the video package. On one hand, it was a nice little package hyping the championship aspect of this show, and showing all the great champions throughout history (with some notable exceptions as you might expect), interspliced with the champions of today, but even though they showed the champions from today and Christian, I saw no Dreamer. Maybe he was in there for a split second and I missed him, but if not, poor guy. No love for the Mighty Manatee. The Hardcore Hippo. The Extreme Elephant. The Innovator of Insulin. The Heart and Hoagie of ECW.

I could do these all day.

Segment 2 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – Chris (Wait A Minute, This Isn’t The Main Event) Jericho and ???? © vs. Team Legacy (of Kain) (Cody Rhodes and Ted Dibiase).

Cewsh: As we get the show rolling with the MYSTERIOUS tag team match, a few thoughts randomly entered my head, as thoughts are known to do from time to time. First was a general happiness to see the set, with all the huge velvet (looking) banners with the belts on them and everything. It’s a swanky setup and it really makes this event seem more prestigious than it, strictly speaking, actually is. Second, I went off on a little rant in my own head about how the Unified belt is still two separate belts. I mean, I get that it looks cool with all the belts, and it does, but to me it makes the title seem less credible, and more like a temporary fly by night concept, than an official thing. Finally, I thought to myself, “Cewsh”, I call myself Cewsh, I said “Cewsh, I wonder who Jericho’s partner is going to be.” Then, unbidden into my mind came the image of the Rock coming out and Rock Bottoming everyone to triumphant cheers, then beating up Jericho, stealing the belt and going home to Hollywood to shoot a movie called “My Belt and Me”.

Unfortunately nothing could possibly live up to that idea, so let’s snap back to reality for a minute.

Anyhow, Jericho talks some trash about how Edge sucks for having the gall to get injured, and then they show a video that screams “Edge is coming back as a face!” so loud that I think they heard it in Bangkok (heh). Then Jericho get’s on with the business of selecting his mystery partner. Is it the Rock? Is it the Miz? Is it…yeah, it’s the Big Show. If my reaction seems disappointed that’s because, well, I’m disappointed. Its not that they had to blow me out of the water with his mystery partner, and I see fun ways that their team could go, but Show was already in a title feud with Kingston where he was overwhelmingly likely to win the 6 Pack Challenge tonight. Why would he give that up to team with Jericho of all people? It just doesn’t make a ton of sense.

Aside from the mystery partner selection, there was a match here, and it was odd with a capital Pamela Anderson. Big shows started off bludgeoning Legacy half to death, and then Jericho got tagged in and then did some awkward looking teamwork, and the Legacy proceeded to heel up and work over Jericho while Jericho actually played a goddamn face to huge cheers from the crowd. What the shit? They go on for several minutes like this, and then Big Show tags in and they speed to the finish.

The idea of Chris Jericho being a face right now, or even playing one out of necessity is part of what I hate about the tag team formula so much. This was a heel verses heel match, but because of the sacred tome of tag team wrestling handed down from on high, somebody had to be the babyface in peril. It’s a stupid weakness of tag team wrestling, and really just makes me want to wash my hands of the whole concept altogether. That said, the actual work itself in this match wasn’t awful, I was just turned off by the peripherals to it. As man will tell you, however, the really nice solid tv stand never matters as much as the big ass flat screen tv on top of it.

68 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh: The match starts with Jericho making a huge hullabaloo about who his partner will be, while setting himself up for a feud with Edge when Edge comes back. Surprise! His partner is Big Show, someone who ALSO hates Edge! I’m sure this won’t ever come into play.

Show’s not a bad choice. I’ve liked him in tag-teams, before. I do not, however, like Show’s new look. The man has chicken legs. He really needs the knee pads to camouflage that.

It’s kind of a strange match. Heel vs. heel doesn’t work, in general, so Jericho and Show sort of play plucky faces, with Jericho in peril and Show trying to get the tag to save him. The ref enforces the tag rope, but only for Show. We still have tag ropes?!

About halfway through the match, one of the announcers says, “Legacy can’t get DQd, or they can’t win the gold”. Apparently, he meant they literally can’t be DQd, because the end features typical wonky, heel tag work. It’s fine, even entertaining, but after making such a big deal about Show holding the tag rope, the ref is really just going to watch Rhodibiase run halfway across the ring to interfere? It doesn’t matter in the end, though, so I suppose it’s a small enough criticism.

58/100

Vice: Big Show had new attire, sporting a traditional dark blue/light blue singlet (which looks fucking stupid) and also sporting a really slick goatee. He looked really good here, and I love teams comprised of a big guy and a little guy. It creates a really cool dynamic, and allows the little guy to get his shit rocked for a while and then make the massive tag to the monster, who comes in and simply destroys everybody.

Solid match with a fairly predictable outcome. Should not have opened the show, however. It just didn’t have that intensity or that fire that opening matches should have.

Legacy didn’t have a chance, really, both in kayfabe land and in WWE booking land.

The Big Jerishow over Team Legacy Following The Colossal Clutch From Show To Dibiase.
Segment 3 – CM Punk Calls Out Jeff Hardy Fans.

Cewsh: I got a boner.

Segment 4 – ECW Championship – Tommy Dream(s of Donuts)er © vs. Christian (Closet Ginger).

Ms. Cewsh: Does anyone else find themselves humming Hello Dolly when Dreamer comes out? No? Too obscure? Crap.

This match requires a great deal of suspension of disbelief. No, not the belief that Tommy Dreamer’s tubby ass is 255 lbs. That’s normal suspension of disbelief. This match requires you to believe that a perennial jobber, a man who went 9-30 only a year and a half ago, is not only a credible threat, but a dominant champion. It’s too much suspension, for some.

Christian spends the beginning of the match working Tommy over on and with the ropes. They eventually end up out of the ring, and there is much ado about the possibility of a count out. Unfortunately, we are not treated to a short match, and Tommy rolls Christian back into the ring.

Tommy, then hulks up and proceeds to use his limited offence. It doesn’t look good, but it is far from as bad as my partner claims. There’s a bit of back and forth, with Tommy mostly maintaining the upper hand, until Christian goes for a sleeper.

Again, this results in a dramatic near-count out, and again we are not spared. Tommy again takes control of the match, subjecting Christian to the patented, “push your opponent in the direction of the turnbuckle, get the crowd to chant your now-defunct promotion’s name, and then bunny hop at your opponent.” He then proceeds to use other people’s finishers as transitional moves, something Cewsh fumes over, but have no fear! They’re done so poorly; the moves barely resemble a finisher.

Eventually, Christian remembers that he’s younger, better, and not a joke. Three attempts at the Killswitch, before he hits it for the win and the title change. Fortunately, there’s an emotional hug to show that there are no hard feelings, and everything is alllllll better.

49/100

Vice: I don’t why Tommy was ever given the ECW title. Still baffles me, to be honest. He still tries really hard to put on entertaining matches, and can, but he’s just a fish out of water in ECW, which is kind of awkward if you think about that. Christian has been on fire this year, putting in some of the best work of his entire career. Him going to TNA was the best thing that ever happened to his career, because he was put in a position that Vince never put him in and he thrived, learning how to work a main event style while honing all of his skills and being the best he could possibly be. When he came back to WWE, not only did he have all those skills and the confidence he gained in TNA, but he was a new person upon his return. He didn’t have that “will never be a massive player, no matter how ridiculously over and loved he is” stigma that plagued him for years. He always just seemed like a placeholder for lesser people to rise above him, but now he’s the guy that’s rising up. It’s well deserved, too. Kudos to him, because he’s certainly earned it over the years.

Christian picks up the title here. There’s a nice moment where Tommy Dreamer offers a handshake to Christian because he was definitely the better man tonight, and Christian gives him a hug instead. It was a nice passing of the torch moment, even though it’s not like Tommy actually had a torch to pass because his sell by date was many years ago and really had no business winning the title when he did. A bit of a ridiculous situation if you think about it for half a second, but it was still a nice moment between two friends. It was very well done.

Cewsh: FUCK YOU YOU FAT SHIT. ECW DIED A DECADE AGO AND YOU’VE BEEN A JOBBER EVER SINCE AND I’M EXPECTED TO ACCEPT YOU AS CHAMPIONSHIP MATERIAL NOW THAT YOUR OLDER AND EVEN LESS GOOD IN THE RING THAN YOU WERE WHEN YOU WERE JOBBING TO FUNAKI?! RETIRE YOU LACIVIOUS FUCK.


63 out of 100.

Christian over Tommy Dreamer Following the Killswitch.

YOUR WINNER AND NEW ECW CHAMPION: CHRISTIAN!

Segment 5 – The Big Jerishow Must Go On.

Cewsh: Jericho got a boner.

Segment 6 – WWE United States Championship – (The Job Squad) Kofi Kingston © vs. Jack Swagger vs. Carlito vs. The Miz vs. Primo vs. MVP.

Vice: This really felt like a TNA match right here, with all the ridiculous spots and tons of energy.

I enjoyed it quite a bit, really, even if there were a lot of contrived spots. It’s smart of WWE though, letting their guys go out there and work a crazy indy/TNA-esque match. See, TNA isn’t competition for a number of reasons, and even though they probably won’t ever be true competition to Vince, he’s making sure that they will never be in a position where TNA could be competition. Stuff like this is why. He’s taking the TNA formula for crazy X-division matches, but using bigger names and better talent, so there is absolutely no reason why you’d want to tune in to TNA to see a worse version of this match right here with people you don’t know or care about. And yeah, this is TNA’s multi-man style with tons of interactions between guys and combining lots of moves to make super moves. WWE didn’t do this kind of shit a few years ago, and now they’re doing it fairly often since TNA has been getting better ratings and pushing the limit of innovation over the years. Think about it, ‘cause it makes sense.

THIS should have been the opening match. It’s good to see Kofi Kingston pick up the win here, because he’s really fun and exciting to watch. I’ve grown to love the guy. I don’t see him ever being a main eventer, but he’s the perfect midcard guy, and the midcard is essential to any sort of wrestling show.

Cewsh: Christ what a mess this match was.

There was no rhyme or reason to anything that occurred here. There was nobody in this match with enough experience to keep the match in line, and there was absolutely no story or psychology or anything else to be found here. The closest thing to a story here was that Primo and Carlito hate each other, and then, against all reason and logic, Primo forgives Carlito and teams up with him before being betrayed. Guys come flying into the fray only to disappear seconds later, for no reason.

This is a ladder match with no ladders between a bunch of guys with no business trying to work a match like this without veteran leadership. This was a waste of all 6 of these people, and I think less of all of them following it.

Ugh.

41 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh: I love high flyers. I love fun spots. I love flips and athleticism. On paper, I love this match.

This match is boring as hell.

32/100

Kofi Kingston Over Everybody Following The Trouble In Paradise To Carlito.

Segment 7 – Randy Orton Doesn’t Like Being Disrespected.

Cewsh: Ms. Cewsh suspiciously got a boner.

Segment 8 – WWE Women’s Championship – Michelle Mc(Not)Cool © vs. (Elastigirl) Melina.

Vice: Short version:

Sell the fucking leg and your head, you absolute whore.

Long version:

The match starts off in a fantastic way, with Melina doing her splits entrance, only to get a dropkick to the vagina. Or penis. Seeing how Melina looks tonight, I honestly have no idea if she’s a man or a woman. She’s competing in a women’s match, but men have won women’s titles before, so you never know. I don’t understand how people can tolerate Melina’s face. Ugh.

Anyway:

Ms. Cewsh: AHAHAHAHAHA! Oh God, why hasn’t anyone done that to Melina, before? Beautiful.

Vice: That’s awesome. It got me thinking, though. Next time she’s the second one to enter, will she still do the splits knowing that she might get kicked in the balls once more? That would irritate me quite a bit, if I’m being honest. If you’re going to do spots like that, the wrestlers should learn from what happens and play off of that. Then again, it did take Ric Flair 20 years to finally hit that double axehandle off the top rope..

This was ridiculous:

Melina’s head didn’t actually hit the rail of course, but it’s a disgusting looking move when you watch it in full speed. Slowed down you can see that Melina’s head is a good 6 inches away from any sort of contact and her hair hides that well, but that’s beside the point. That is a SICK spot. A move like that should be reserved for a last man standing or hardcore/no DQ or something much more important than a women’s match, no offense to them. Since they used it in this match, it should have given McCool a count out victory over Melina because nobody should get up from that for a long, long time. But, naturally, Melina is up and in the ring at 7~!, and then regains control of the match via nifty counter and proceeds to sell it like she was simply slapped in the face, whereas she should be selling DEATH.

Seriously, Melina should have been dead for the rest of the match aside from maybe one big comeback that McCool cuts off before she gets in trouble. Melina would come out looking like she had a lot of heart, and McCool would come out looking pretty fucking awesome, and they could milk that DDT spot for a while. But.. no. They go back to their fast pace, and Melina doesn’t even sell her hurt leg from earlier. Or her head. Or anything, really.

I respect them for going out there and giving it 120% and putting on what is probably the most exciting and entertaining women’s match of the year, but they sacrificed so many basic fundamentals of wrestling in the process that it seriously made me go bonkers. From absolute nobodies who couldn’t even win a Diva Search to doing a match like this.. it’s very impressive in a way, but they really do need to work on storytelling and consistency. They also need to sell the damage from a grueling match after the match finishes. McCool was slightly out of breath and Melina looked like she was just getting warmed up, which was fucking bullshit. Arg.

Call me crazy, but again, stuff like this might be WWE’s countering of TNA. TNA has been putting on some entertaining women’s matches lately, and those tend to gain a lot of viewers every week. By putting on better women’s matches, they could satisfy all those peoples’ wants and needs, and make them not tune in to TNA, if there even is a fan crossover. Or maybe people just want to jerk it to Velvet Sky. I know I have.

Don’t tell Daffers, even though it’s like Daffers – 178, Sky – 2. Don’t tell Daffers about that either.

Ms. Cewsh: This match is actually really nice. I’m not a Melina fan, and Michelle has always been a non-factor, but they both work their asses off. They’re suddenly athletic, as well as flexible, with movesets that involve more than “the hair-drag” and “the rub your crotch on their face”. They actually have pretty nice chemistry, as well. I hate to say it, but this has been the match of the night, so far.

76/100

Cewsh: This match completely exceeded my expectations. Probably everyone’s expectations.

See, these two have wrestled before, and I wasn’t impressed. Not that I’m impressed by very much women’s wrestling, but still, even so. Then this match comes out of left field and is actually good, and its an almost staggeringly odd thing to have happen. A WWE women’s match that is good, or hell, isn’t bad? That’s damn near a moment in history, and these two ladies make that very history here on this show. I’m honestly proud of and happy for them, because they really did something special here.

Now. That all said, this match isn’t perfect. In fact, its nowhere near perfect. I said that it’s a great women’s match, and it is, but there is still a ton of botching, a lot of miscommunication, some blatant and outright no selling, and kind of a terrible finish that spoiled the rest. So before you Divas fans get all up in arms because I passed a few compliments around, bear this in mind:

This match is good. But its not even my highest rated women’s match from this month.

76 out of 100.

Michelle McCool Over Melina Following A Roll Up.
Segment 8 – Fluorescent Green and Yellow John Cena Makes a Speech.

Cewsh: John Deere got a boner.

Segment 9 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – (Makes The Ladies) Randy Orton © vs. John (Marc Ecko’s Bitch) Cena vs. Triple (Single On Atkins) H.

Cewsh: This match was fucking fantastic.

Now that I’ve said that, allow me to defend it, because I know it bears defending. See, I understand that seeing combinations of these three men wrestling is about the most stale thing imaginable at this point. The last time any of these three men had a match that was generally considered to be good was probably over a year ago, and its been crammed down our throats ever since. I get that, and I empathize with anyone who feels that way. But when I was watching this match, I put all that to the side, and what remained was the best match that has come of the long winded feuds between these three, and possibly the best triple threat match in years and years and years.

Everything was just so good! The crowd, which was dead all night long, completely came alive for this match, getting behind all three men at various times, as these guys just went to work on one another. The story that everyone wanted a piece of Orton, and would rather fight him than each other was executed fantastically, and gave the match tons more structure than any triple threat I’ve seen in ages. These guys showed a chemistry with each other that I was altogether unfamiliar with (more from Cena than the other two). So yeah. I loved it.

So the match is ticking along, and I’m loving it, and then Triple H slaps the Sharpshooter on Orton and everything comes crashing to a halt. Triple H is doing…the Sharpshooter? Really? Then Cena runs in and slaps the Crossface of all things on Orton as well, and Orton starts tapping. So we have Triple H and John Cena, who both have submission moves they’re associated with, doing other people’s submission finishers. Then Orton taps out. However, since the ref can’t decide who to award the victory to, the ref doesn’t call from the bell. Then Rhodes and Dibiase run down and things get messy.

What to think of the ending? I’m a little puzzled by it, to be honest. I hope the double submission thing will be used for storyline purposes, because if it was just a spot then I’m kind of baffled as to the thinking behind it. We’ll see in the end, I guess, and it doesn’t detract from an otherwise stellar matchup.


84 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms. Cewsh: I feel like I’ve seen it. We’ve already had a Triple Threat match with these guys. We’ve had Orton/Cena. We’ve had Cena/Triple H. We’ve definitely had Orton/Triple H. What’s left for these three to do, together? Still, the match is inoffensively boring until the end.

The end was shit. It was worse than shit. It was shit on shit with shit sauce. Orton taps to both Trips and Cena. Guess what? THIS MATCH ENDS BY PINFALL OR SUBMISSION. It does NOT continue on with a shrug from the ref! He tapped to both? Then the belt is vacant and we get Cena/Trips part two hundred and seven. What in the flying fuck was this?!

41/100

Vice: Aaaaaaah, Triple H vs. Cena vs. Orton. Wrestlemania-something rematch. A match where there are no real winners. Orton has gone back to being a shitty worker over the past few months, Cena is Cena, and Triple H is, well, I guess Triple H. Speaking of Triple H, he’s dangerously close to matching Flair’s record for 16 world titles. WWE has a heck of a lot of thinking and considering to do with that fact. Sure wrestling is scripted and booked however someone feels like doing it, and having x number of championships isn’t a real accomplishment, per se, but it’s still something. Will Triple H beat Flair’s record? Will he only have two more title runs in the rest of his career and leave the 16 title wins to Flair? Will he tie the man at 16? Will he beat Flair’s record? Personally I don’t think Triple H should tie or beat Flair’s record, even if Flair would be happy about it. But I also can’t imagine Triple H only having two more reigns. Yeah he’s getting old and winding down a bit, but the guy will seriously wrestle until he’s dead or when he’s simply too injured to compete. I don’t want to get into the whole Triple H is married to Steph thing, but yeah, 2 more reigns? 3? 4? Who knows.

Did you know that applying a submission to someone on an announce table is as effective as adding “FROM HELL” to the end of a move’s name in terms of damage dealt?

The false finish when Orton was in two submission holds REALLY REALLY pissed me off. You have no idea. It just made no fucking sense at all to me. Has Triple H ever done a sharpshooter before? No. No he has not. Does he do any move similar to that? No. No he does not. So why did he even think about using a sharpshooter? Because Cena was obviously going to slap a submission on himself. Fucking stupid. See, it’s awesome when you look at peoples’ movesets and find fantastic ways of combining moves into bigger moves for the win. But when you have to go out of your way to do something you don’t ever do so that something else can happen, it’s dumb and as contrived as Triple H pulling a sledgehammer out of a detachable panel in the entrance ramp. It reminds me of Kidman’s facebuster thing in WCW. He’d reverse a powerbomb with the facebuster. So, everyone who he ever faced would powerbomb him so he could reverse it into his move; people who have never once used a powerbomb ever. That’s creating a situation artificially. Now let’s say that Kidman would facebust people anyway from a jump, but then faced someone who’s finisher was a powerbomb, and he reversed that into his own trademark move. That’s fucking awesome because it’s a natural counter, and makes it a hot moment. I could go on about this for a lot longer, but I’ll leave it at this: fucking stupid.

Oh yeah, and Orton tapped out. Why the fuck didn’t the match end? How many times have matches ended with simultaneous winners? I really do not like when WWE just makes shit up for one particular match/spot/whatever. It’s really dumb. Consistency is what they should aim for.

The match had a big time feel to it which I liked, but I just didn’t enjoy it that much. I’m not going to say it was bad, because it wasn’t at all, but it was the definition of same old shit in my eyes. But hey, same old shit isn’t always a bad thing, ‘cause Bret Hart and Ric Flair made amazing careers out of that. OOOHHHHHH ZING. PEW PEW.

Pretty hot finish though:

Randy Orton Over Everybody Following The RKO On Cena.
Segment 10 – Creepy Miz Is Creepy.

Cewsh: People probably got boners for Maryse or something, but yeah, that joke officially died a terrible death. Probably a few segments ago. Au revoir boner jokes.

Speaking of my limited French, Maryse is backstage and Miz rolls up on her to put his mack down, or whatever the kids today are calling it. He gets shut down for, according to Maryse, being a loser. Miz then goes off on her for being a tease, and tells her she’s out of chances, and will see what its like when she loses her title.

Let’s be honest though, Miz. Its Maryse. You’d give her more chances that a Monopoly deck. Let’s be fair.

Segment 11 – WWE Divas Championship – Maryse (The Only Worthwhile Thing Ever To Come From Montreal) © vs. Mickie (Shiny Pants!) James.

Ms. Cewsh: I suck, but as a casual fan, I just can’t do these 3 ½ hour PPVs. I already think Raw is too long! Given its slot on the card, this match feels completely unimportant. I used it as a much needed break. Of course, from what I did see, I didn’t miss much. Maybe if the wrestlers had given a shit, like the last women’s match, I might have too.

tl/dr – I didn’t really watch this.

34/100

Cewsh: This match is everything that the other women’s match was not. Unfortunately these things include slow, boring, awkward, and boring. Also, boring. I love these two, truly I do, but I’m sick of seeing women wrestle who have absolutely no chemistry with one another, but it almost automatically results in subpar matches. How many women have ever had good chemistry is the ring with each other anyway? Trish and Lita did. Beth and Mickie do. Melina and Michelle might, but it’ll take more than one match to prove it. These girls don’t. They shouldn’t feel bad, though. 3 in how many years? Bad odds.

59 out of 100.

Vice: I’m sure I’ve said this before, but Maryse is absolutely dripping with pure, raw, uninhibited sex. It’s fucking ridiculous. She also looks really good naked, but that’s another thing you shouldn’t tell Daffers. When she first came to WWE I thought she was an absolute nothing, but fucking hell has she evolved. She’s not a great wrestler, but she has IT.

The match sucked, though. Maryse isn’t very good as I previously stated, and Mickie has become pretty boring and crappy over the years. Well, she’s basically been pretty shit and stale since her feud with Trish. Back when she had a good character and some personality. Maybe that’s why we thought she was a good wrestler, especially because she was working with the overrated to Pluto but still enjoyable Trish Stratus. Why are you still around, Mickie?

And why are you champion now?

Mickie James Over Maryse Following The MickieDT.

YOUR WINNER AND NEW WWE DIVAS CHAMPION: MICKIE JAMES!

Segment 12 – Team Legacy Are BONER. BONERIFIC. BONEIFICINT!

Cewsh: Ahem. I’m sorry. I don’t know what came over me.

Anyway, Rhodes and Dibiase talk about how they aren’t losers for losing. That’s all of it. Seriously.

Segment 13 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Rey (Old Man Flipper) Mysterio © vs. Dolph (Maybe He Is Like The Boogie Nights Guy. He Has Maria…) Ziggler.

Cewsh: I really like Dolph Ziggler. I really, really like him. I like his style, I like the character he has evolved into, and it doesn’t hurt that he reminds me of a young Randy Orton in how he moves around the ring, and uses his athleticism to accentuate his charisma. He’s not perfect yet, of course, not even remotely close, but this is his first really competitive WWE match, and its staggering to consider how far along he is by this point. He has all the tools, clearly. Now its just a matter of keeping on improving.

Rey Mysterio on the other hand is an interesting case. He’s a shell of his former self as a high flyer, but he’s actually having better matches than he ever did when he could do 7,000 hurracanranas in one match. I don’t know how many years his knees have in them, but while we have him, we should savor it. Here he takes a young guy who needs to prove himself, and does exactly that. Mysterio proves him. This is exactly the match that both of these men needed here, and exactly the shot in the arm that this show needed badly. They got a ton of time, way more than I expected, and they used it all.

The only real problem is that the crowd was absolutely dead for the entire match. Fucking Philadelphia. Is there anything you can’t ruin?

(Cewsh Note: Yes. Kobashi.)


78 out of 100.

Vice: It’s amazing what Smackdown can do, really. They can make anyone look like a million bucks by giving them some good direction and enough time for things to flesh out. Ziggler has gone from a guy getting 20 second segments introducing himself to looking like a true star. That’s Smackdown for you. You know how every time there is a draft, people complain that RAW gets all the huge names and Smackdown gets a bunch of random nobodies? And Smackdown continues to be the better show? Yeah. It’s called writing/booking. RAW takes the established guys, and the people on Smackdown make their slew of green talent look like gold, ready to be swept away and ruined on RAW the following year.

Very solid match here, with both men putting on great performances. Ziggler is pretty fucking awesome.

Ms. Cewsh: Dolph Ziggler, (God, that’s a stupid name,) is the up-and-comer who really wants to challenge the strong vet for the title. That’s kind of a compelling story, albeit one as old as wrestling itself.

Of course, WWE completely ruins it by continuing to bill a 34 year old, 20 year veteran as the “ultimate underdog” and the “biggest little man”. It’s so schmaltzy and insulting. I’m supposed to buy him as the strong champ bringing honor and validity back to the IC title, but a scrub like Ziggler can just manhandle him for 20 minutes? Rey is not the underdog in this match up!

The end is lame and contrived, just like every Rey match. There’s really nothing left to say.

41/100

Rey Mysterio Over Dolph Ziggler Following The 619.
Segment 14 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – CM (Championship Material) Punk © vs. Jeff (For A Limited Time Only!) Hardy.

Cewsh: This feud rules.

Seeing the slow transition of CM Punk from up and coming face, to top heel has been almost magical for someone who has been a fan of his for years and years. Its really cool, undeniably so, to see him cutting “I’m Straight Edge and I’m better than you!” promos like he did when I first became a fan of his, except that now with his seasoning and comfort in WWE, those promos are ten times better, and backed up by Punk’s rapid grasp of main event wrestling in the WWE, which is really a style unlike any other in wrestling. He has made this feud a pleasure to watch, and exciting to see, and that’s good, because I could be mistaken (and fuck I hope I am), but it kind of looks like Jeff is losing interest again.

This match starts off with these two feeling each other out, with Punk using his better grasp of mat wrestling to get the upper hand and with Punk showboating and heeling out for all he’s worth. Jeff gets some offense in, but the beginning of the match is all Punk as he bullies Hardy all over the ring, demanding to know “What are you going to do to me?” Finally though, Hardy underdogs up, gets in a bunch of offense that is, frankly, a little sloppy and unfocused. They go back and forth for a long while, with Punk getting the upper hand, getting over confident, and paying for it at the hands of Hardy’s unorthodox offensive maneuvers.

They charge towards the finish with each man throwing the kitchen sink at one another. Punk slithers out of the Swanton twice, and then Hardy actually kicks out of the Go 2 Sleep, to the absolute disbelief of Punk. He pins Jeff twice more to ensure that Jeff didn’t kick out as a fluke, and then decides, fuck it, grabs his belt, and tries to leave.

This is where things get manky.

Punk takes his belt back towards the curtain. Hardy chases him down, throws him back into the ring, hits the Twist of Fate, hits the Swanton, boom. Game over. I could be mistaken, but this seemed incredibly abrupt, and kind of a weird way to end a match like this. They’ve trained me so well to believe that if Jeff Hardy succeeds, check around the corner for the trap, so I can’t believe that he’ll get away with it that simply, but for now, Jeff Hardy is your new World heavyweight Champion. Whew.


82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms. Cewsh: Gather ‘round kiddies. It’s story time.

Once upon a time, when I was but a wee Ms.Cewsh, sitting at my Papi’s knee, I heard tell of an amazing, revolutionary wrestler. He could wrestle hour long matches that you couldn’t look away from. He was the greatest champion, beloved by millions. And he had a fresh, unique character that actually made you think. Of course, being a curious little Ms.Cewsh, I begged to see him.

“No, no, little Ms.Cewsh. You wouldn’t be interested. You cannot sit still for an hour. Here, watch this kick ass interview with him, instead.”

And I did. And it rocked. Many years later, I heard tell that this mythical wrestler was coming to the WWE. I became suitably excited, eagerly anticipating the arrival of this new, thought-provoking character.

It took 3 years, but that character finally showed up.

86/100

(Cewsh Note: Vice requests that for the next paragraph you imagine him elderly, in a plush chair in his study smoking a pipe.)

Vice: I am absolutely vehemently opposed to the proposal that Jeff Hardy could conceivably be selected to obtain the World Championship, at the decided expense of CM Punk, despite his prior reservations as to his future employment.

Jeff Hardy Over CM Punk Following The Swanton Bomb.

YOUR NEW WWE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION: JEFF HARDY!

—————————————————————————

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: You know, as a sum of its parts, this was a pretty good PPV. There were some surprisingly good matches, and aside from one or two matches, I walked away from this show feeling really positive about it. There were some titles changes, and that’s always good, and more than anything I want to see how the situation with Hardy and Punk plays out. Can’t wait for next month, and that’s the idea, right?

Cewsh’s Final Score: 68.75 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh’s Moral Clarity:

Ms. Cewsh: This wasn’t my favorite show of the year. It wasn’t my least, either. It was too long, and would’ve greatly benefitted from only airing the good Divas match and . Punk/Hardy was excellent, and Michelle/Melina was the best women’s match I’ve ever seen. Conversely, the 6 man really should have been a single’s match between Kofi and Carlito, and WWE desperately needs to freshen up the WWE Championship scene.

All in all, it wasn’t a bad pay-per-view, just a filler one until SummerSlam.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 52.15 out of 100.

Vice’s Analysis:

Vice: Overall I was pleasantly surprised by many things, but found myself extremely irritated by an equal number. Still, it was an enjoyable show, and I do like the gimmick that every belt has to be defended. It just makes it seem like a huge night. At the same time, though, you’ve got to wonder why more belts aren’t defended more often on PPV.


Vice’s Final Score: 66 out of 100.

Vice’s Awards:


Alright, that’ll do it for us this week boys and girls. We had fun, didn’t we? We laughed, we cried, I said boner like 74 times. Make sure you join us next week where we delve back into the cesspit of the American Independant Scene to try to salvage something of worth, as we review PWG Express Written Consent. Its a request, and the first of many, as we look to give back to you awesome motherfuckers for making us the most widely read review team that I am actively a part of. In the mean time, keep reading, and be good to one another.

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