WWE The Bash 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE The Bash 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the NBA Jam Tournament Winning Cewsh Reviews… We, as always, have a special treat for you today, as we roll out the carpet for the WWE’s big summer spectacular, The Bash. Of course, technically Summerslam is their big summer spectacular, but we’re in the market of engendering excitement, so let’s just roll with it. We have an almost inhumanly interesting card to work with here, so we’re going to put our adorable Review Hats on (they look like penguins), and get down to business post haste.

Do people still say post haste?

Anyway, without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review.

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!



Cewsh: Pretty much what we’ve come to expect from your average WWE PPV here really, though I have to say that seeing CM Punk and Jeff Hardy’s title feud get signifigant time in this thing was a serious breath of fresh air. It’s a great feud, and has been a lot of fun, and I’m am psyched to death for that match, without doubt.

Punk/Hardy
Triple H/Orton
Jericho/Mysterio

Will this be a rehash of every show since Wrestlemania? Or will it be amazing beyond reproach? Can’t wait to find out.

Vice: “The Bash” is such a fucking retarded name. The Great American Bash was lovely, but simply “The Bash”? Come on now.

Segment 2 – ECW Heavyweight Championship – Championship Scramble Match – Tommy Dream(s of Pancakes)er © vs. Christian(s Don’t Tend To Cheat This Much) vs. Jack (Internet Markboy Of The Moment) Swagger vs. (I Don’t Think You’d Want To Step On His Lawn) Finlay vs. Mark (For Chocolate Bars) Henry.

Cewsh: Okay, the Championship Scramble basically works with two guys starting in the ring, and a new one entering every 2 minutes or so. A timer will be counting down the entire match. Whenever anyone gets a pinfall or submission, they are considered to be the current champion, and whomever is considered the champion when the time is up is, in fact, the champion. So basically its like Championship Musical Chairs set to grunts instead of the chicken dance. In the ring first to start are Christian and Jack Swagger, which is good since I’ve never EVER gotten a chance to see them wrestle before.

Ever!

Finlay Has Entered The Matchup.

Ahh, now here we have something a little more interesting. See, Finlay has been working a tweener role ever since a scuffle between Dreamer and Christian backstage wound up injuring his eye. Since then he has been in business strictly for himself and for revenege, and as a result of getting to participate in a storyline that lets him acting be a dick, Finlay is more interesting and looks more rejuevenated than he has in over a year. Some people were just born to play either faces or heels, but not both, boys and girls. Finlay is a great example of the natural heel. He has to look out, though, because the injured eye he got from that altercation has proved to be a huge target for people to exploit so far, and nobody seems to know in exactly what condition it really is coming into this match.

Anyway, he comes in breathing fire and completely knocks the shit out of both Christian and Swagger, completely dominating them for awhile and showing the youngsters what for. Unfortunately he gets distracted, though, and Swagger pokes Finlay in the eye and rolls him up, giving us our first pinfall of the match.

Jack Swagger is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

Swaggers knocks Christian out of the ring, and settles in to wait to make sure that no one else can get a win without him being able to stop it. He tries to take a breather, but the countdown to a new wrestler is ticking down…

Tommy Dreamer Has Entered The Match.

Dreamer comes out with a head of steam, as he might seeing as his title is already out of his hands. He gets the upper hand on every one for a little while, but it doesn’t last, since he’s, you know, Tommy Dreamer, and the world has to come back to reality eventually. Meanwhile, Finlay pops up out of nowhere, showing us where his son gets it from, and grabs Swagger, demolishing him with the Celtic Cross. One pinfall with his knee on Swagger’s sinus cavity later and we have another new champion.

Finlay Is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

Finlay quickly high tails it out of the ring, and lets Christian, Swagger, and Dreamer duke it out like they seem to so often. Swagger nails Dreamer with a vicious clothesline and then struggles with Christian on the top rope, as that trust wrestler countdown clock comes into focus yet again…

Mark Henry Has Entered The Match.

Now Mark Henry was the ECW champion going into the last championship scramble last year, and he wound up losing it to Matt Hardy, with he was none too pleased about, you can imagine. He’s also been pissed off for weeks because Tony Atlas keeps fucking up his matches, and, just to spark your memory, he’s a fucking giant next to anyone else in this match. So yes, the entire match just took a turn for the worse for everyone else in it.

Speaking of which, it takes Mark Henry all of 5 seconds before he enters the ring, grabs Swagger, who has Christian in the superplex position, and gives him the old Tower of Doom powerbomb spot. Unfortunately for Tommy Dreamer, however, he holds the distinction of being the only guy in the history of wrestling to actually get HIT by the Tower of Doom spot, as everyone and their mother lands on top of him in a heap. Mark Henry doesn’t waste much time in grabbing the unconscious Dreamer, lifting him up like a sack of…um…something very light, and depositing him on the mat like a goddamn bank slip. New champ? Yeah. You could say that.

Mark Henry Is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

Its also worth mentioning that at the moment that Henry entered the match, the official countdown for the match as a whole, started up at 5 minutes. So with only 5 minutes to go it seems like some trouble is a brewing for everyone in this match. So naturally with a match to win, and only 5 minutes to do it in, what’s the best course of action for everyone to take? Gang up on Henry? Go get some ice cream? Fuck no. EVERYBODY DO FLIPPES OUT ONTO THE FLOOR! Then, after everyone and their aged grandmother does this unnecessary task, Mark Henry attempts to climb the top rope, assumedly to make Tommy Dreamer INTO pancakes. Luckily for Dreamer and everyone in the front row, Swagger cuts him off and delivers a Vader Bomb to wrench the title back.

Jack Swagger Is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

Alright, now we’re down to the wire. 2:25 remaining on the clock, and things are getting hasty. Mark Henry does that flying ass crack smash he does to Swagger, and then everyone gangs up on him. Then Christian hits the Killswitch on Swagger, but Dreamer breaks it up and hits his DDT onto his alleged friend, giving Dreamer one last shot at holding on to his title.

Tommy Dreamer Is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

1:10 to go, and nobody is wasting any time. Everyone is pulling school boys and roll ups out of their hat at record pace, but since everyone else is also milling about, there isn’t enough room to keep from having it broken up. 25 seconds to go and Mark Henry reenters the fray, can the big man pull it off? 10 seconds to go, and people are literally dogpiling onto each other, desperately trying to get the job done. 5…4…3…2…1…0. Sorry kids, fat old grandpa outsmarted you all again.

God damn it.

TOMMY DREAMER IS YOUR ECW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

This was pretty tame by the standards of the Scramble matches that they have held up to this point. It was an exciting enough opener, I think, but there was very little that really stood out about it. That’s the trouble. ECW is an exciting show, with a lot of exciting young talent, but none of them (except Swagger) ever get on PPV to give it their best, because the main event always features the same 5 guys you see here. Since the beginning of the year, its gotten stale at record speed, and I really just think that since the ECW title is always the opening match anyway, that matches like this would be way better served highlighting guys like Bourne, The Hart Dynasty, and even Paul Birchill who has impressed me in recent months. Maybe the pops wouldn’t be there right away, but ECW isn’t really there to get people like Tommy Dreamer over, is it?

Ah well. Serviceable match to kick off the show, and while I would love love love love love for anyone but Dreamer to be champion, at least there are some moderately dynamic ways for them to go with the belt from here. Frankly it can go to the bottom of the ocean and rot if it means no more Dreamer being treated like a champion all of a sudden after being a pathetic jobber for years and years. It makes everyone else look ridiculous.

Bah.

65 out of 100.

Vice: Clusterfuck. Decent match. Fun opener.

Tommy wins and is the neeeeeeeeeewwwww ECW champion apparently. Scramble Rules is a decent gimmick, but I don’t like the “current champion” mumbo jumbo. Use a different term please. Ta.

Segment 3 – Edge Is Kind Of A Jerk. Did Anyone Know That?

Cewsh: We cut to the back where Teddy Long is in his office. Or the Hamburgler’s Office for all I know, really. They always show these guys just sitting in random rooms, but its not like there are ever any desks or paperwork or anything. I think that being a GM just involves sitting on a couch and watching Raw, Smackdown or ECW and ignoring people when they yell at you. Frankly, if that’s all it takes, I consider myself perfect for the job. Vince? Steph? Anyone? No?

Bah, well anyway, Edge comes storming in to somebody’s office and demands that Teddy make the title match tonight with Punk and Hardy into a triple threat match featuring, you guessed it, Edge. Predictably, Teddy Long isn’t exactly amenable to Edge’s request, and Edge threatens to get Long fired. Which seemingly he actually can do, because for some reason they’re doing an angle where Vince keeps threatening to fire Teddy Long if Teddy isn’t perfect at everything. So yeah. Edge is mean. Hence the segment header. You didn’t think that I get genius material like that out of the air, did you?

Segment 4 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Mask Verses Title Match – Chris (God) Jericho © vs. Rey (Zebra) Mysterio.

Cewsh: Hopefully we’re looking at the end of this feud here, as there really isn’t anywhere for them to go after this. Either Rey loses his mask or he doesn’t, and that’s pretty much it. Frankly I desperately hope they don’t unmask him, as he still looks like he’s 13 and the loss of merchandise for WWE would probably be right staggering. Plus, I really want Jericho to move further up the card and mix it up above Intercontinental level. I’d like it for Mysterio as well, but Jericho’s the one who NEEDS to be higher.

Rey Mysterio is out first. At least I think its Rey Mysterio. There is an equal chance that its Grandmasta Sexay underneath the mask, as the man is clothed from head to toe in Zebra Print. However, since the man didn’t do the spoon dance to the ring (shame), I’ll go with Mysterio. Jericho is out next and we get underway. Jericho takes over right from the start, knocking Mysterio around all over the place, and whipping him brutally into the wall at ringside. He’s clearly very interested in hurting Mysterio rather than simply beating him outright as quickly as possible.

Rey Mysterio fights back like a lion, and finally takes to the sky, flying from the top turnbuckle to nail a sitting senton to Chris Jericho on the outside that damn near turned into a hurrancanrana. From there, both men went crazy, dropping every bomb on each other that they could think of. From Rey breaking out rare moves for him like Super Crazy’s Double Jump Moonsault, and the Springboard Hurracanrana, and Jericho trying to use all the mmoves that have worked for him against Mysterio in the past, like the spinning backbreaker counter to the 619 and the Liontamer counter to the hurracanrana, not to mention a nominee for the most vicious move of the year, when Jericho reversed a springboard crossbody into the Code Breaker.. These guys threw it all at each other, and I spent every second of the match completely engrossed in their actions, not typing one word, as I watched both of these tremendous performers take flight.

This is the match we all hoped for from these guys when they first started feuding months ago now. This is the match that the entire feud has been building towards. I don’t know whether they babied this match more than the others or if they had just been holding back but it was all here. The psychology, the excitement, the references to past matches that weren’t so obscure that only Puro fans would get them. Everything clicked, and everything worked, and even the announce team of Grisham and JR were in top form. The star of this match, though, was the crowd. The crowd that was chanting loudly for Jericho all through the match, right up until the tide started to swing back and forth towards the end, and you could just see the match capturing the imagination of everyone watching it. Slowly cheers started to filter Mysterio’s way, then a few more, until Mysterio’s every move was met with a roar of approval. That’s the art, boys and girls, they completely sold the crowd on this match, and had them in the palm of their hands. Then, when the crowd was at a fever pitch, and it seemed like they had nowhere left to go, the finish came.

God what a brilliant finish. As I said, this was a match that was heavy on references to past matches, to the level where it was clearly on purpose. Well all of that put the watcher in the perfect frame of mind for Jericho to try to grab Mysterio’s mask off to win like he did last time. Unfortunately for Jericho, Mysterio had a SECOND MASK ON, and while Jericho tried to process this information he got caught with the 619, springboard splashed, and that was all she wrote. The perfect ending to this feud, as Mysterio gets his redemption and Jericho finally outsmarts himself.

An amazing match, the perfect ending, and just all around a show stealing performance for both men. This is one of those matches where you know that the guys in the back who still have to go on fare calling these guys assholes, because they have to try to follow this. Well fucking done, guys. Well fucking done.

89 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: I swear, man, every time I see Mysterio he looks that much dumber. Seriously, it’s like every week/month he tries to outdo his latest retarded costume. I can’t wait to see Rey’s Wrestlemania costume, because he also tries to outdo his shitty costumes every year. Joker Rey will be insanely tough to beat, but I think he can do it. Fucking zebra.

Amazing.

I’ve liked all their previous bouts, even though some of them irritated me and just felt like rehashes of previous matches. This one is still kind of like a remix/mishmash of previous matches, but this one gets everything right and pretty much does nothing wrong. I’d definitely say this is the best match between them in this feud and possibly ever. It was fucking good.

The finish of the match was pretty goddamn awesome. Jericho goes for the mask, but Rey has a second one on. Mysterio takes Jericho completely by surprise for the win. While I dislike Mysterio winning, him winning the match in such a way is fucking spiffy. And obviously it’s for the best, ‘cause unmasking Rey would be really stupid.

Awesome match.

Rey Mysterio over Chris Jericho Following The 619.
REY MYSTERIO IS YOUR NEW WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!

Segment 5 – The Raw Rebound.

Cewsh: Wait, what? What the fuck was this doing here?

Segment 6 – Why The Long Face, Teddy?

Cewsh: Get it? Because that’s, like, his name?

Yeah.

Anyway, now its Jericho’s turn to come into Grimace’s office to give Teddy Long a piece of his mind and demand a rematch against Mysterio. Teddy refuses, because he apparently decided that balls were on sale at Wall Mart today and he went ahead and bought himself a few. Long also mentioned that he will soon be celebrating 5 years as a general manager. Has it really been 5 years since they first introduced the unlikely former referee as the new GM of Smackdown? He’s always been a good one, even if you hardly remember him until he’s standing right in front of you.

Let’s remember the good times. Like when Krystal gave him a heart attack and then she got released and they never mentioned it again. That was fun times, remember? Ah memories.


Segment 7 – No Disqualification Match – Dolph (The Next Internet Markboy) Ziggler vs. The Great (A’Tuin) Khali.

Cewsh: This feud all got started when Ziggler made an open challenge to anyone on Smackdown to come out and face him and, of course, it was accepted by the Great Khali. Instead of backing down, however, Ziggler grabbed a chair and beat the ever loving shit out of Khali with it. Naturally upset over this, Khali requested a match with Ziggler, but Ziggler tricked him into getting counted out. Then, after securing another match, Ziggler won again by doing his best Eddie Guerrero impression and convincing the ref that Khali had hit him with a chair. So now Khali has secured himself a NO DQ match so that Ziggler would actually have to beat him to get away from his clutches.

I can still remember when Ziggler seemed like a huge joke to everyone. All he did was introduce himself to people in a friendly way, and it seemed like the worst gimmick imaginable. Along the way, though, something happened. Ziggler turned out to be really, really good at just about everything. Great look, great on the mic, and one of the best in ring performers of this generation of guys. He really puts me in mind of Curt Hennig in his ealier days in a really positive way that I can’t entirely put my finger on. He has it all, and its going to be really exciting to follow his rise through the ranks. He still has to get through Khali here, though.

The match starts predictably, with Khali knocking Ziggler around like a little bitch, and essentially pie facing him all around the ring. Finally, though, Ziggler starts going after the legs of Khali, and begins to have a lot of success with it, chopping the big man down and circling like a shark, while Khali tries as best he can to protect himself on one leg. Ziggler goes and grabs a chair to try to do some more damage and…

BOOM!

Fire shoots into the air at the entrance ramp, as the Big Red Monster Kane emerges from the back with evil intentions on his mind. He enters the ring (and Ziggler immediately exits it, showing off superb intelligence), and proceeds to beat Khali half to death with the chair before smirking and wandering off. Why exactly did he do this? I dunno. But as surprises go, it definitely was one. Then, exhibiting even more intelligence, Ziggler slides into the ring to take advantage and gets the pin and the victory.

Not at all the way I think anyone expected this match to go, but I’ll be fucked it it wasn’t entertaining. Ziggler played off of Khali well, and his bumping about made Khali look fantastic. This match wasn’t overly long, but it definitely got the job done, and my good feelings towards this show as a whole keep right on going.

73 out of 100.

Vice: Ziggler seems pretty alright. Khali is Khali. Kane comes back, apparently as a heel. Ziggler, even though he won, seems like a complete afterthought here. He gets a win because WWE wants to do stuff with other people, which is just lousy business. That is all.

Actually, no. Ziggler reminds me of Kurt Russell in some wacky way that I cannot explain. HE JUST FUCKING DOES, OKAY?

Dolph Ziggler over The Great Khali Following Kane’s Interference.

Segment 8 – If You Could Be A Sad Smiley In Real Life, Teddy Long Would Be.

Cewsh: Vince McMahon comes storming into Mayor McCheese’s office, and immediately does something that would piss Vice off so much that the spittle flying at the screen in his rage could power a hydroelectric plant. He stands on Long’s left, and then says, “Hold on, I’d prefer to stand over here, it makes me look bigger.” And moves to Long’s right. Yes. He changed the way he was blocked in the camera shot WHILE BEING RECORDED IN CHARACTER. So not only are the theoretically invisible cameras acknowledged as existing, but it becomes incredibly obvious that Vince knows exactly where he is on camera at all times. Yikes.

Easy Vice, easy.

Anyway, Vince was paying Teddy a visit to apologize for threatening to fire him, and to congratulate Teddy on being the longest running GM in WWE history. However, Vince then decides that Teddy hasn’t actually accomplished anything, and then threatens to fire Teddy again before leaving. Poor Teddy. He really should have taken the day off.


Segment 9 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – Team Future Releases (Primo and Carlito) © vs. Team Future World Champions (Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes) vs. Team Coolest Canadians Ever (Chris Jericho and Edge).

Cewsh: This was originally scheduled to be Carlito and Primo verses Dibiase and Rhodes, but Long came out just before the match started to make it a triple threat and find something to make Jericho and Edge finally happy (for once). As a result, this match immediately became about 7,000,000 times more interesting, and I’m incredibly intrigued to see what might come of things. When Jericho first got drafted to Smackdown, the possible pairing of he and Edge was one of the most exciting possibilities that jumped to mind and here, completely out of the blue, it has been offered to us on a silver platter. Awesome.

The story of this match is that both The Colons and Legacy realize that letting Jericho and Edge into the match is an extremely dangerous proposition, so they come to an unspoken agreement to just have the match be between themselves, and refuse to tag in either Edge or Jericho. As a result Edge and Jericho start to get more then a little bit whiny and petulant, and keep trying desperately to get into the ring. Everytime they do, though, something happens and they get tagged right back out. So the Colons and Legacy have themselves a competitive match that sticks primarily to just one half of the ring, while Jericho and Edge look on from outside.

Of course, that couldn’t last forever. Edge sneakily tags Rhodes when he gets thrown into the turnbuckles, nails a Spear on Carlito and that’s all she wrote. New tag team champions. Possibly the awesomeest tag team champions that have ever awesomely been awesome. Fucking sweet. Not only does this mean that we get Edge and Jericho as the tag team champions, but it also means that we can now, conceivably get them on every single show to do their thing. This is a very exciting time, and this has been a damn exciting show so far.

This wasn’t a match so much as a stretched out surprising moment with Edge and Jericho shocking everyone by being in this match at all. What did occur between the ropes was pretty much by the books and predictable by everyone involved. Except, of course, for Carlito. Ahem, Mr. Marlito, are you aware that when half of your moveset requires that the other guy just stand still and watch you fiddle about for long stretching seconds, that it makes that opponent look like a complete idiot? Its great that you can do flippies and whatnot, but seriously man, walking super slow so that you can do a springboard elbow where you hang in the air for 5 minutes makes Cody Rhodes look like a twat for not using any of this time to get the fuck out of the way of you stupid move. Contrived moves are fine in moderation. Please learn the concept.

Thank you.

68 out of 100.

Vice: Carlito has bored me for years and I seriously question why anyone ever thought he was going to be a huge name. He sucks, really. The addition of Primo helps a bit, but even then, he doesn’t do it for me either. I find Legacy to be quite overrated. Yep. Said it. In the future they could both be very good, but right now they’re still very young and green. I’d almost go so far as to say that they’d get tons of shit if they had different fathers. I’m sure you know where I’m going with all of this, but if you don’t.. I

Edge and Jericho get added to the match. Everyone else now looks like complete jobber nobodies. Well, more so. 😉

Edge and Jericho win, proving that everyone else, well.. sucks. It was a decent match, surely made better by the duo that is Edgicho. It’s good that Jericho and Edge are champs, but at the same time, they really did make everyone else look like shit in the process. But, if you win a title you eventually have to lose it, so hopefully they put over a good team in an equally good way. They’re simply too good for tag title nonsense these days.

Edge needs to ditch the fucking spear already, though. It’s just awful. Really really awful.

Edge and Chris Jericho over Everyone Else Following A Spear From From Edge Onto Carlito.

Segment 10 – WWE Women’s Championship – Melina (Where The Shit Did Her Skirts Go?) © vs. Michelle (Where The Shit Does Her Food Go?) McCool.

Cewsh: I know, I know. Some of you really do find Michelle McCool attractive. That’s fine. Personally I think she looks like anorexia’s wet dream, and has pretty much the most disturbing body type that I have seen on anything without humps.

These two are both fine enough wrestlers, but neither one is remotely talented enough to overcome my desire to not watch a random women’s match with no worthwhile backstory. Remember when Beth Phoenix was the champion and was having great matches? Yeah. Me too.

38 out of 100.

Vice: Why are women so vocal? Every single move they do, they’re like “Egaaaaah~!” “Grrrraaah~!” “Bwock~!”. Or do all wrestlers do this, and we only hear the women because you can hear a pin drop when they wrestle?

They also made a big deal about McCool wanting to be the first to win both female titles. Guess what? She accomplished it. SURPRISE, right? When are they going to do a storyline where someone has a dream and they don’t achieve it? That stuff helps out the person’s character so mu—oh, right. This is WWE and only like 5 people have actual characters. Nevermind.

Also, McCool wins with the Styles Clash. Bitch. 😦

Michelle McCool over Melina Following A Shitty Version of the Styles Clash.
MICHELLE McCOOL IS YOUR NEW WWE WOMEN’S CHAMPION!

Segment 11 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – CM (Coolness at Maximum) Punk © vs. Jeff (Twinkle Toes) Hardy.

Cewsh: Alright, here we go ladies and gentlemen. This is why I was foaming at the mouth to do this review in the first place. CM Punk verses Jeff Hardy for the World Heavyweight Championship. 5 years ago I would have looked at you like you were on crack had you even suggested it, and here we are today. Gives the mark in me serious goosebumps as two of the only guys I’ve ever seriously been a fan of have finally made it. Amazing.

What I wound up getting, rather than a wrestling classic or anything like that, was something entirely unexpected. See, with events having gone the way that they have since Punk cashed in the Money in the Bank on Jeff Hardy last month, I expected Punk to come out here in full on heel mode, just dicking Hardy out at every turn. That isn’t what I’m getting. Instead, Punk comes out and acts extremely casual and confident, and in other words, just acts normal, while everyone in the world seems to realize that he’s a heel now except for him. Hardy damn sure seems to realize it, and is clearly out to harm Punk and rip the title out of his hands rather than simply beat the man. I certainly can’t blame him for that. Can you?

They have themselves a really fun match which is basically a little peek through time into the future, and the fantastic matches that these two will no doubt have in the future and for years to come. The chemistry is absolutely there between them, and Punk seems to have been taking lessons on how to wrestle main event matches, because he’s got the counters and reversals and finisher attempt sequences down pat completely. I don’t know how long this match really was, but honestly, it was nowhere near what they’re capable of, and I think they did that on purpose. This battle has just begun, I think.

The ending is one of the most interesting I have seen in wrestling for a very long time. Hardy hits the Swanton and pins Punk, but Punk puts his foot under the bottom rope. The ref counts to three, but then immediately after notices Punk’s foot and reverses the decision, much to Hardy’s dismay. They restart the match and Punk goes for the GTS, but Hardy elbows him right in the eye. Claiming that he can no longer see, Punk retreats to the corner, while the ref pushes Hardy off of Punk to check on him. Then, thinking the ref was Hardy (or did he? That IS the question), Punk blasts the ref with a huge roundhouse kick. Getting himself disqualified. Punk retains the title. Hardy then Hulks Up and goes crazy on Punk, beating the shit out of him before the refs can pull him off. So what do we think, loyal readers? Did Punk get disqualified on purpose? Or did he really think the ref was Hardy?

Informal poll time!

Please respond here weighing in with your judgment. Let the Legion of Cewsh speak out.

I want more Hardy vs. Punk. Period. I want to see it so bad that WWE can just have my credit card and rack up purchases for all future PPVs that they wrestle on. More more more. However, as their first match, and more of a storyline match, than a true balls to the wall effort, I must score realistically.

79 out of 100.

Vice: PUUUUNK!

Midway through the match, Hardy starts a chant for himself. It was humorous and, well, horrendously sad at the same time.

Really awesome stuff right there.

The match, overall, was pretty underwhelming. They’ve done good work together, but this didn’t seem to have that fire that their other stuff had. It wasn’t bad or sloppy or boring or anything like that, but it wasn’t great like it probably should have been.

Good finish, but it’s not the shit they should have on PPV. Yeah, I said it. It’d be a great somethingsomething for a Smackdown match, but if this match was a good part of the reason you shelled out $40 to watch this event, then disappointed might be the understatement of the year. Still though, since I downloaded it, it was pretty damn good. Plus, Punk pulled it off so well. And in the words of Booker T, you can’t work out no eye muscle. Gotta feel for Punk here, ‘cause not only does he have a hurt eye, but Jeff attacked him. 😦

Jeff Hardy over CM Punk Following A Disqualification. Punk Retains His Title.

Segment 12 – Somebody Else’s Turn To Have A Sad Face! No Wait. Just Teddy Again.

Cewsh: Carlito and Primo storm in to Count Chocula’s office and confront Teddy about his decision to put Edge and Jericho into the tag title match. Teddy argues that he had to because of what Vince said to him earlier, but as the Colons walk off in disgust, Mr. Long is clearly very disappointed in himself.

Hey, know what I was always disappointed in? Easy bake ovens. Those shits never fucking baked anything right. I got food poisoning when I tried to make brownies in one.

No point to that, just wanted to share.

Segment 13 – John (Potential Attitude Adjuster) Cena vs. The Miz(ery of Having Once Nailed Trishelle).

Cewsh: I’m not entirely sure what to make of this match.

Since his being drafted to Raw, the Miz has made a point of calling out John Cena at every opportunity, goading him into matches when he knew Cena couldn’t, or wouldn’t, accept them, insulting the man in all number of terrible (and hilarious) ways. Cena, for his part, was embroiled in a heated feud with The Big Show, and therefore constantly found himself fighting both Show and Miz, and as a result, Cena’s anger towards Miz was set on the backburner and left to boil while he dealt with Show. After said Show feud was concluded, Cena finally got the chance to make good on Miz’s challenges, and Miz, for his part, stood right up to Cena, daring him to do his worst, and begging him to make Miz a star.

Which brings us to tonight.

Conventional wisdom would dictate that this would be an absolute squash match. Cena is the top star of our generation of professional wrestling, and The Miz is still relatively small fry in comparison. A lot of people compared this feud to the one between Goldberg and Chris Jericho in WCW, where a midcard heel riled up the top guy just for the attention. However, this feud is getting a PPV blowoff match, and that feud got blown off in a bathroom stall in Atlanta, like most of the wrestlers ideas for that company. So there aren’t really any guide maps telling us how this will or should go. Its damn sure interesting, though.

The match gets started about the way you’d expect. Cena bullies Miz all around the ring, even outwrestling the man, simply to prove the point that he doesn’t belong in the same ring with him. Finally though, Miz hits a great counter, and springs onto the offensive, going straight for Cena’s neck, and fucking him up post haste. Cena fights back, Miz does his best to survive it, a few more things happen and then the match is over.

I probably COULDN’T spoil this match for you if I tried. You already have fixed in your head, before the match even occurred, who’s hand was going to be raised here. The interesting thing is how it happened, and how much offense, that the Miz was really able to get in. Cena let Miz look like a legitimate threat to him for a solid while in this match, and win or no win, the Miz is leagues higher up the card then he was before this feud began, so I’d say it was a rousing success all around. This wasn’t a match intended to stand on it own, though. This was an Angle Match, and it showed.

71 out of 100.

Vice: Don’t know how I feel about this.

It should have just been Cena killing Miz because that’d make sense, even though I’d probably be angry about Cena squashing someone. But instead it’s the typical Cena formula where he gets squashed, hits his trademark moves and wins. Ugh. Lose-lose for me, right? In theory, Miz getting a lot of offense in on Cena would make him seem pretty credible, but even a child can beat up Cena for a few minutes. It really means nothing anymore except that you’re watching a Cena match.

However, Miz just being in the ring with Cena ups his status by quite a bit. Why? Because Cena acknowledged him and Miz gave him a run for his money. See, Miz is a confident little shit, but in the end he isn’t a big fish. John Cena, however, is a big fish. It’s almost like TNA/WWE in a way, on a much smaller scale of course. TNA has a lot of heart and keeps nibbling at the feet of WWE, occasionally taking bites. If WWE responds in any significant way, like saying “TNA” on WWE programming, or anything big like that (even if it’s massively negative), then TNA wins. No matter how badly WWE kills them, TNA is instantly that much bigger because of it. Miz lost, but he totally won. Kinda like Triple H, amirite? Oh, speaking of Triple H… he’s up next, isn’t he?

So, the match accomplished quite a bit while making me sad in a number of ways.

The Miz Over A Unicorn Following Some Ponies And Ice Cream. What The Shit Do You Think Happened?

Segment 14 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Three Stages of Hell Match – Randy (Cobra Commander) Orton © vs. Triple (G.I. Bro) H.

Cewsh: I know that A LOT of people are ready for this feud to be over. Or, more accurately, were ready for it to be over at Wrestlemania, but overall, I’ve really enjoyed the entire thing. It has played out slowly and methodically, and as a result, I feel like there’s a ton of momentum for it heading into this. When a feud this big blows off, its almost impossible for it to actually live up to the ridiculous standards that are required for the feud to actually end, and they’ve carefully crafted this thing so big for so long, that this match really has to be something special.

Assuming, of course, that this is the end. Fuck’s sake, this HAS to be the end, doesn’t it?

So we get the match started, and even though this is the heated feud to end all heated feuds, they just kind of look at each other, and then do some chain wrestling. I don’t know why exactly it is that anytime these guys are in the same building as each other they have a huge throw down brawl, but every time they’re in the same RING as each other, it suddenly becomes a headlock competition. They have their headlock fiesta for awhile, and its definitely enjoyable, even if the crowd being absolutely dead really kind of hurts it. The crowd doesn’t stay dead the whole time, though, so I assume that they’re just saving themselves for the the Stretcher match, which is really the only important fall.

Apparently, Triple H agrees with me, too, because he walks out of the ring, grabs a chair, and proceeds to bludgeon the ever loving fuckshit out of Randy Orton, and gets himself disqualified.

Randy Orton Has Won The First Fall Following A Disqualification.

At first I was entirely puzzled by his actions, even though Triple H certainly seems pleased with himself. Then I remembered back to the Brock Lesnar vs. Jurt Angle Iron Man Match, where Lesnar got himself DQed like 40 times, but softened Angle up so much that he got about 45 pins out of it. It worked a lot better there, since Lesnar had more time to recoop his costs, so to speak, but I do rather like the idea there, with Triple H taking the cost to punish Orton and put him completely off of his game. Sure enough, he pulls Orton out of the ring, and immediately Pedigrees him right on the floor. Check please.

Triple H Has Won The Second Fall Following A Pedigree.

Now the Stretcher match begins. I am not a fan of Stretcher matches in general. The idea of having to fuck up your opponent enough to put him on a stretcher is awesome, but in practice, it just leads to guys in blood feuds trying REALLY HARD to push the other guy on a sled, uphill across a line. It’s just not very intimidating, you know? At any rate, these two make a go of it, pulling out the brawling best of from their previous matches. They brawl all around thing ring and up onto the stage and I actually really enjoy this part. This is where Triple H is in his element, and Randy Orton is great at bumping around for him. They do a few of those stretcher near falls, where they hurt the guy, put him on the stretcher, and the guy is COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS right up until he gets near the yellow line, when his Spider Sense starts to tingle or some shit.

Then finally, Triple H manages to Pedigree Orton on the stage. The match is academic at this point…until Cody Rhodes comes out at the exact perfect moment and fights Triple H off. Triple H finally deals with him, and then goes to pull Orton past the line again, before Dibiase shows up, again at EXACTLY the last second, to stop Triple H. So then they start jumping him and beat him the fuck up, while reviving Orton, until Triple H pulls a random segment of steel off of the stage, reaches inside and finds…a sledgehammer? How the fuck did he know that that was going to be there? Did he plant it there earlier in the day? What if somebody else had found it? Then all of his plans would have been dashed. Shit, what if someone had stepped on the hole? Might have been tragic!

So with his newly acquired equalizer, Triple H disposes of Rhodes and Dibiase, and goes to take out Orton, but it backfires, as Orton kicks him right in the balls, and grabs the piece of stage that Triple H removed. BLAMMO, one shot to the face, and Orton drapes Triple H daintily over the stretcher, rolls him across and that’s your match. Then, of course, Orton stupidly poses with the title right next to Triple H, so he gets himself a sledgehammer to the face for his trouble. Smooooth, Dr. McOrton.

I really want to feel like this is going to be their last match against one another. After 6 months of almost constant feuding, now really seemed like the time. But I’m eyeing the WWE calendar, nd there’s a pay per view actually called “Hell in a Cell” coming up in a few months, and the ending to this match just wasn’t remotely conclusive enough to make me believe they won’t be heading for it. I really hope this feud does something to pick up more momentum on the way there, because as things stand right now, it really seems like they have nothing new left to do to each other.

78 out of 100.

Vice: If there’s a match I’d never like to see on paper, it is this. What’s worse, is that not only was it put on paper for me to see, but I have to watch the match actually happen. And review it. Firstly, I’m not a huge fan of the current stipulations either. These two hate each other, so I’d make the opening fall a first blood match. Then rock some no-DQ/hardcore somethingorother. To end it, I’d go with a last man standing match. That’s a good way to cap things off, since one person will be beaten down that badly. Plus it could be somewhat short since they’ve been beating the shit out of each other for a while leading up to it. But they recently had a last man standing match (I think..) and had one before, so obviously that gets ruled out. Plus is WWE anti blood now? Whatever. I think it could work.

I was impressed with the finish of the first fall, to be honest. Triple H gets himself intentionally disqualified by KILLING Orton with a chair. Shades of the Lesnar/Angle iron man match right there, which I also enjoyed quite a bit. Triple H is down by a fall now, but Orton is dead, which, naturally, is a big advantage for Hunter. And so he does hunt, killing Orton yet again with a pedigree on the floor to immediately take the second fall. So, two stages of hell are over in a little bit over 6 minutes. For that I’m a bit thankful, but at the same time, what the fuck was the point of having a three stages of hell match? I also despise the stretcher gimmick.

Triple H throws Orton on the stretcher and starts wheeling him up. Orton hops off at the last second and happily beats Triple H up a bit. Orton gets some offense in, but he seems way too “fresh”. Bailing at the last second is good because it caught Triple H off guard for sure, but Randy.. you just ate 12 chair shots (literally!) and a pedigree to the mat outside the ring. You’re supposed to be HURT.

I was genuinely surprised when Cody came out by himself to help out Orton. In the backstage segment earlier, Ted got pissed off, had a hell of a speech and ran off. So, I wasn’t really sure where this was going, but I was intrigued to see Cody taking it to Triple H. But then it’s kinda ruined when Ted comes out 5 seconds later. So, yeah, Cody’s unseen/unheard speech to him worked I guess. There goes my curiosity.

Triple H pulls a sledgehammer out of the stage. One of the dumbest, most contrived things I’ve ever fucking seen in wrestling. Seriously. He always has a sledgehammer on him, in him, or around him. Taped underneath the table for a contract signing? Awesome. Having it under the ring? Swell. Inside the panel of the ramp you just happen to be knocked out in front of? Fuck off. Absolutely retarded. Or, well, that’s a bit harsh. Triple H is just AMAZINGLY LUCKY that he stashed his sledgehammer in that particular panel and that he happened to be knocked out there. PHEW. Shame it didn’t really work out though.

The match ends in a very anticlimactic way, which is the main reason I hate the stretcher gimmick. If you kill someone and push them aaaaallllll the way up the ramp and to the finish line, then it makes sense. But it’s also anticlimactic because you totally think the person is going to jump off at the last second. Or, like in this case, the stretcher is three feet from the line, so all it takes is one quick shot and a nudge, and bam. You win. Lameasaurus Rex. And, of course, Triple H wins even in defeat. I’m really sick of him.

When did Orton become so bad? I mean, he’s been pretty bad before, but then he become super amazing. Now I seriously can’t stand him. I’m tired of his matches. I’m tired of his segments. I’m tired of his promos. I just want him to go away for a while. Same with Triple H. And why are they still having Orton/H matches? They almost always suck and almost always suck the life out of the crowd. Setup and formula-wise, they’re generally very unique and different as they try new stuff out.. but it generally fails. They’ve wrestled a bunch, too, so you can’t blame their shitty matches on being new opponents or the context of that specific match, etc.. ‘cause by now they should be great matches. This was not a great match. Not even close.

Randy Orton over Triple H Following Orton Pulling Triple H Across The Finish Line.

—————————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Ultimately, I really come away from this show thinking that it was significantly better than the rating it added up to. The entire undercard had me in a very good mood until the women’s match, which completely dragged everything else down into the dumps, and then the main event just didn’t have the oomph to get this show over the hump. This is one of those shows that I’ll remember fondly, and that i’m definitely glad I saw for Mysterio/Jericho and for all of the surprises. But it just didn’t add up to a great, great show. Shame.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 69.5 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, the show was alright. It had a fucking stellar match in Mysterio/Jericho, some solid matches here and there, a couple surprising moments, and of course, HHH pulling the sledgehammer out of the entrance ramp. There was also a lot of mediocrity and some plonkers, but they didn’t hurt the show too much. Jericho/Rey was obviously the highlight, but once again Triple H and Randy Orton end the show on a really awkward, bad note. Aside from Triple H pulling the sledgehammer out of the entrance ramp, which was so amazingly bad and hilarious and really, it might be worth the price of the PPV alone. Definitely pick this motherfucker up on DVD to see that. Or just look at this GIF I made:

Vice’s Final Score: 66 out of 100.


Well that will do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed a very, VERY interesting show here, and an exorbitantly long review from us. Next week we’ll be heading back to the dangerous waters of American Independent wrestling when we take our second ever trip to Ring of Honor, with their 7th Anniversary Show from this year. We know someone who will be very happy that we’re finally getting to his request, so hopfully the rest of you will humor him even if ROH isn’t your cup of tea. Trust us, you know we’re good for it. In the meantime, remember to keep reading, and, as always, be good to one another.

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