TNA Slammiversary 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents….

TNA Slammiversary 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another edition of the David Hasselhoff endorsed Cewsh Reviews… This week we’ve got a special treat for you, as the Cewsh Reviews Team gathers around the photo album and grows all misty eyed as TNA Wrestling turns 7 years old. Why it seems like just yesterday that we were welcoming it into the world, filled with speculation as to what it would turn out to be, whether it would be good looking, or whether it would be awesome at sports so that I’d never have to work again. Here we are now, seven years later, and while lots and lots has happened, its still too soon to say what TNA will grow up to be. While we’re here though, we can have a kickass party to celebrate.

Shit man, we have ice cream cake. And balloons. And a fucking horse. Yeah, man, you heard me. You can ride it and shit. I don’t even know! This is so exciting!

And without any further ado, let’s review a motherfucking review, shall we?

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Well, first we have some creepy “Happy Anniversary” music, and then it launches into a generic TNA video with lots of people doing shit very quickly, and this time it happens to be set to the worst music I have ever heard. Very disappointing effort here from TNA, since their videos tend to be some of the best in the industry. Ah well.

Segment 2 – TNA X Division Championship – King of the Mountain Match – Jay Lethal, Alex Shelley, Consequences Creed, Chris Sabin and Suicide ©.

Cewsh: Alright, for those of you who have never had the pleasure of viewing a King of the Mountain match before, allow me to explain the rules. You have 5 guys, a ladder, and a penalty box. The ultimate goal is to take the title belt and hang it up where the belt would be in a traditional ladder match. In order to be able to do this, you must pin or cause to submit one of the other participants in the match. Once they have been pinned or submitted, the loser must then spent 2 minutes in a penalty box, before they can reenter the match.

Make sense? They have to beat someone to be able to win the match, and once they do, they have to hang the belt. Its more simple than it sound when you’re watching it, trust me.

Aside from the gimmick of the match, the story behind this match is that everyone in it hates Suicide. They want him to unmask and lose the title and all that jazz, and they’ve been trying to all get a clean shot at him and find out who is really under the mask for months now. Its not the most compelling stuff, really, but it’ll do for a little X Division storyline to get these guys on the show.

Let’s go to the note format.

Cewsh Notes:

– The crowd is insanely dead, considering that the Guns are pandering to them every second of this match. Like most TNA PPVs outside of the Impact Zone, the whole thing seems eerily quiet, really.

– There is a ton of over the top celebrating going on whenever anybody punches Suicide. To be honest, it really started to grate on my nerves around the 8th time they all did touchdown celebrations following a suplex.

– There is a baseball player from Detroit doing guest commentary. It is also, apparently, his solemn duty to hold the belt until somebody comes to take it away from him. He actually isn’t terrible at commentary (better than Tenay), but he just wanders off after a few minutes and stands there looking very proud to have the least important job in professional wrestling history. Temporary belt holder. Can’t you feel the magic?

– Some cool spots in this match for sure. You’ve got Lethal getting see sawed halfway across the ring, everyone and their mother jumping off of the penalty box, and Shelley doing the Sliced Bread No. 2 onto the ring apron (nasty). In between though, there’s a TON of stalling, and general nonchalance.

– Ahahahahaha, Sabin lays down for Shelley so that Shelley can go for the title, and then immediately jumps up and tries to convince the referee that Shelley had the tights. Brilliant.

– Suicide walks across a ladder held up by the unconscious bodies of Creed and Lethal. Always holding the black man down. Tsk tsk.

– Hooray the match is over! And it barely took more time than a colonoscopy. Giving AND receiving.

You might be aware that the main event is also a King of the Mountain match. So you might expect that they might make this just an exhibition match, and leave most of the fun times with this gimmick to the main event to put some heat on it for later. Yeah, you’d be wrong. They throw everything but the kitchen sink into this match, go for over 30 fucking minutes, and do everything with the gimmick that there really is to do. Jumping off of the penalty box, all 5 guys becoming eligible to win, all sorts of ladder spots. What the shit, I ask you, is left for the less athletic people in the main event to do with this match?

It doesn’t make a ton of fucking sense to me, but at least the guys here busted their asses to have the best match they could. They tried their best to steal the show, and maybe they did. If they did steal the show, though, they stole it from all of us.

53 out of 100.

Vice: If there’s one super obvious thing about this match, it’s that nobody in it likes Suicide. Throughout a good portion of the match, it’s seriously four on one. The Guns and Consequences work together, beat the shit out of Suicide and all celebrate. At one point, when Suicide gets pinned, all four men literally dance around the ring in victory, letting Suicide just watch from the penalty box. Speaking of the penalty box, this is indeed a King of the Mountain match, and I don’t like that.

The problem is that it takes away from the main event. Not only because it’s the same gimmick, but because the match includes people that are much more mobile, agile, faster and have the ability to do a ton of ridiculous shit. Not only that, but these guys got like 20-25 minutes to work with. If it was a quick 9 minute match or something, then they could have a short little fun match, not use up all the unique spots, and not make the main event seem like a borefest by comparison.

And seriously, TNA should not be running this match type twice in one night. Yeah, it pisses me off that WWE does two elimination chambers on one show every year too. No, I wouldn’t want them doing two Royal Rumbles either. TNA’s problem is that they just can’t make the main event super special. I enjoyed them making the X title on the same level as the TNA title back in the day when the X division was being dominated by the Tremendous Three in AJ, Daniels and Joe. But that’s motherfuckin’ AJ Styles who was a former multi-time NWA-TNA champion, Daniels could be a huge name/champion, and Joe was Joe. The X title seriously could have been THE title and I don’t think anyone would have batted an eye. Is anyone demanding that Suicide be TNA champion? No. Lethal? Creed? No. The Guns? No. Just no. That is the difference.

This match had a lot of fun stuff in it. Sabin sitting in the chair and jumping off it when he realized that Lethal was about to send Suicide’s head straight into it. Shelley pinning the willing Sabin, then Sabin jumping around yelling at the referee because Shelley was holding the tights. Random X stuff. Super catapult of death. You know how it is.

It was a good fun match, but did more damage than necessary. From a mark/fan’s perspective, this night is off to a lovely start and I have high hopes for the rest of the card. From my perspective, I’m somewhat afraid of what is ahead of me.

Suicide retains. Why, I’m not sure. Where they’re going with him, I’m also not sure of. Who he is, I’m not sure. What day it is, I honestly don’t know. How birds fly, I wish I knew.

Suicide over Everybody Following His Hanging Of the Title Belt.

Segment 3 – Shane Douglas Found the Fountain of Youth.

Cewsh: But he decided against using it, and instead drank from the fountain of aging pervert.

Its less popular than the Fountain of Youth, but no less effective.

He apparently dislikes Christopher Daniels and wants his roster spot. That’s nice. I would murder children if it would prevent that from happening. As my potential homicidal acts have little effect on shows that have already ended, however, the lovely children of the world are safe.

For now. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Segment 4 – Loser Leaves TNA Match – Shane (Potential Manager of a Burger King FRANCHISE) Douglas vs. Christopher (Please Don’t Leave, Please Don’t Leave, Please Don’t Leave) Daniels.

Cewsh: The loser of this match has to leave TNA, and the winner gets to stay on the roster. As a result of that stipulation, I find myself more invested in one man winning a particular match than possibly any other match in the history of TNA. The idea that the superawesome Christopher Daniels may leave, to make room for the superirrelevant Shane Douglas makes me queasy inside. I have no doubt that if Daniels loses (and he will, nothing else makes any sense), it will be part of a bigger storyline or something, which result in him not actually being gone, but still, the very idea disgusts me.

I would like to say that that disgust resulted in me booing Douglas and him being a better heel, but he really wasn’t. The fact is that he is hard to buy as a threat anymore, and it feels like Daniels is lowering himself to even have this match. And instead of portraying someone who hasn’t wrestled in years, Douglas just shows up and starts throwing all of his old Franchise offense. Of course it looks terrible, because he’s up there in years now, and because there’s no heat on any of it. Shane Douglas’ glory years occurred when I was in middle school. Think about that. Middle school. Was it really the best idea to bring him in now and require that people suddenly recognize him as a big name wrestler again? Out of nowhere? It just doesn’t work for me.

And where the FUCK is Bobby Lashley?

Anyway, this match is pretty much a by the numbers affair. Daniels leads Douglas along, and Douglas does his best to keep up, but that’s really all Douglas brought. You’d ordinarily expect some kind of cockiness on display from the man, or at least some crowd work, but he just quietly and methodically did some suplexes and armbars until it was time for the match to be over. It really struck me as strange, like he was just concentrating everything he had on not fucking up. Didn’t exactly make for a barnburner match, but in their defense, there wasn’t much wrong with it either. It was just sort of there.

So wait, they brought in Douglas, a guy who hasn’t been relevant since the 90s, asked us to view him as a credible threat to a top wrestler in TNA, and then jobbed him out of the company without even giving him a single victory to build him up?

There has to be a bigger storyline at work here. Even TNA wouldn’t go to these lengths just for one match that nobody in their right mind had actually wanted.

66 out of 100.

Vice: All I can say is.. thank motherfucking fuck that fucking Daniels won.

Oh, and Douglas is fat, horrendously out of shape, awful and really should go back to working at Target. I like him, but it’s just sad seeing him like this.

Christopher Daniels over Shane Douglas Following The Best Moonsault Ever.

Segment 5 – Mick Foley Is Insane.

Cewsh: I can’t help but respect Foley for his commitment to his character these days. He does a very good job of capably portraying a crazy bastard, and he pulls it off in brilliant little ways. The little things, like the way he rationalizes everything that happens to make himself seem like the hero, no matter what he had just finished doing to himself or others. I also respect just how over the top he is willing to go to get his angles over.

Unfortunately, though, his schtick is starting the wear a little thin with me. The feud between he and Jarrett has been running for months now, and it didn’t have a great deal of oomph behind it out of the starting gate anyhow. As a result, Foley’s shenanigans are becoming repetitive, and its kind of a huge waste of this character that he created.

All that said though? More champions should sing little songs about their belts. Because that shit is awesome. Mick does INDEED have the World title, in his hands. Yes, the World title in his hands.

Segment 6 – TNA Knockout Championship – Angelina Love(s Hotpants) © vs. (Vic)Tar(i)a.

Vice: Madison Rayne is the most obvious third wheel in the history of wrestling. Everything about her seems so forced, so tacked on, so.. unnatural. And bad. Angelina Love continues her descent into looking like more and more like an alien plant. Velvet Sky still gives me a boner every time she enters the ring. Actually, that’s a lie. I get a boner in anticipation of her getting in the ring. Who’s left? Oh yeah. Vic-fucking-toria. I love her to death, I really do. Not sure why her name is simply “Tara”, but I’ve always loved that name. It’s great to see her motivated and having a great time out in the ring again. She’s not the best women’s wrestler in the world at this point, but she’s still awesome to have around. Now she just needs to get in the ring with Daffers. The touching, the slamming, the slapping, the grabbing of asses for slams, the hooking of legs together, pulling of the hair…

Aaaaand we’re back!

The match wasn’t very good. Just sort of there. Above average for the women, but that’s not saying a heck of a lot due to just how average average is. Still good to see Victaraia.

Cewsh: To be honest, Victoria has never really floated my proverbial boat. She’s always been a solid wrestler, and her Widow’s Peak was the only over finisher in women’s wrestling for a long time (and probably still is), but she’s always been a really awkward face, and her heel work was always tremendously over the top and hard to get into for me. Not a knock on her or anything, especially since she’s on the short list of American women’s wrestlers whose body of work is worth respecting. I just wasn’t hugely excited to see her show up in TNA.

They probably couldn’t have done a much better job bringing her in when they did, though, because Angelina Love is a fantastic choice to face her in a title feud. Love gets better in the ring every time I see her, and she’s become really comfortable in her heel character. I do still think very highly indeed of the Beautiful People these days, even if Madison Rayne is such an afterthought in the group that I almost feel sorry for her, having to stand next to the other two.

Oddly enough, given my history, I really don’t have anything bad to say about this match. I know I usually rail on about how women’s wrestling is awful, and I hate it, but the fact is that if American women could more often put together coherent matches like this one, I really wouldn’t have anything bad to say. There were some botches by Love, as she clearly tried to gain her bearing, but Tara especially looked like she was really out to prove something, and she showed that she really still has what it takes to get it done in the ring. I have nothing but respect for that, and I truly hope that we get to see a match between these two again.

70 out of 100.

Angelina Love over Tara Following The Makeover.

Segment 7 – Lauren Interviews Steven Richards In a Meat Freezer.

Cewsh: Actually it appears to be a janitors closet of some kind that they have chosen to light through an aquarium. All the same really, as Richards, Raven and Daffney bully her around, and yell about beating up Abyss. The Raven steps forth out of the broom cupboard and delivers a promo, that leaves me grasping for an explanation. At various points during his promo he is brilliantly subtle, and comedically over the top. Deadly serious, and giddily pandering. And he end the thing by crying and having a group hug with Stevie Richards. I’m not entirely sure what to make of it, honestly. I want to think that it was really good, but it was just so not Raven at all, that it took me aback.

Raven depending on Stevie Richards? In this universe?

Segment 8 – Monster’s Ball Match – Team Faces That Should Be Heels (Abyss and Taylor Wilde) vs. Team Hot Topic (Raven and Daffney).

Cewsh: You know how sometimes you’ll see a match where there are SO many spots, SO much carnage, and SO many near falls, that it just sort of collapses as a wrestling match, and simply becomes a spectacle on its own? Those special times where your conscious brain is telling you that a match really sucks and doesn’t even pretend to care, but you can’t help but enjoy yourself watching it anyway? Hardcore Title era WWE was like that sometimes, and TNA has captured it in a bottle to display to the grandkids here tonight.

This is not a good match. There are botches galore, the pacing is all wrong, everyone constantly seemed out of place, and of the participants, only Abyss has had a truly great match at any point within the last 5 years, and its rare for him. So yeah, this looked like a mess on paper, and a mess is exactly what we got. The thing is, though, that I couldn’t bring myself to mind, just because it was an ENTERTAINING mess. The wacky, contrived spots were interesting and fun to watch, the ending was entirely unexpected, and pretty much everyone performed far and above their usual abilities in order to make this a watchable car crash.

Especially worthy of praise is Miss Wilde, who not only displayed an unexpected talent for hardcore wrestling, but who actually was the glue that held this match together. She looked like a complete badass out there, and I’ll give her a ton of credit for doing so, as she had been the element of this match I was most concerned about fitting in. She did great, Abyss was himself in every way, Raven looked like he had never left, and Daffney played her character to perfection, effectively defying her limitations in the ring.

I do have to warn you, however, if you choose to watch this match, that an event occurs within it that was so traumatic to Vice that I could hear his agonized screams from over 400 miles away. His dear, dears Daffers took the plunge onto thumbtacks. Oh yes. Not just a half assed plunge either, she took a damn spinebuster right onto those damn things, and got fucked the hell up. Nothing but respect for her for being willing to take that bump, and I credit it as being the highlight of the match, story wise, but if you aren’t a big fan of women having thumbtacks sticking out of their necks, or share Vice’s soul clenching love for Daffney, then don’t watch this. You will be doing yourself a service.

73 out of 100.

Vice: Taylor Wilde seems to have taken my advice from my last TNA review. You know, the one where she danced to the ring to her hardcore monster’s ball match with a giant smile on her face. She didn’t seem so bloody fucking happy this time, which is nice to see.

Why am I talking about Taylor Wilde in a match that features Daffers? She seriously melts my heart. Even if she’s just standing around the ring, I get all warm and tingly inside. I love her. I’d write her a poem if only I knew a word that rhymed with Daffers. I’m sure there’s some obvious word that simply isn’t on my mind, but seriously, if I think of a word or if someone alerts me to such a word, I will write her a poem.

Aha! Gaffers! I will write her a poem later. Because I love her and she is mine. Yes, MINE.

Tempest alerted me that Daffers took a thumbtack bump. I honestly pondered boycotting this show because THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS THROWN ONTO THUMBTACKS. In fact, when watching, I paused just before she was thrown into them. I sat there for a good five minutes or so, just pondering if I could witness such an atrocity. Eventually I decided that I did need to see her take the vile bump, and it gave me pain in my heart watching it. I covered my mouth with my hand as my eyes got all big and buggy. With a tear nearly being shed, I realized how sad a sad person could be.

Then she started screaming and I was REALLY turned on.

In all seriousness, everyone should fucking respect Daffney for taking such a bump. Yeah, it’s probably stupid. Yeah, it probably was completely unnecessary. But, a woman took a tack bump for fuck sake. That’s dedication, passion, courage, insanity… all of that.

The match itself wasn’t anything great. It was “fun”, but nothing beyond that.

Abyss and Taylor Wilde over Raven and Daffney Following A Black Hole Slam On The Tacks To Raven.

Segment 9 – Jeff Jarrett Doesn’t Like Mick Foley.

Cewsh: Is there something in the water around here? Bunch of meany faces.


Segment 10 – Winner Gets a Spot In The Main Event Mafia – Sting(s To Know That He’ll Be In The Title Hunt Again Soon) vs. Matt (Sting To Know That He WON’T) Morgan.

Vice: This is a match I don’t care about in the slightest. You have a young athletic monster against a slow old man who has lost more hair than the Brooklyn Brawler has lost matches.

Fuck it. I’m not reviewing this match.

Had a cool finish though.

Cewsh: So Matt Morgan, after dwelling nonsensically in the midcard for the longest time, finally decided that he wanted to join the Main Event Mafia and get his due. He pestered everyone about it for a few weeks, and when Sting won the leadership of the Mafia, he took his request to Sting, and after interfering in one of Sting’s matches, Sting said that Morgan could have his (Sting’s) spot in the faction if he could beat him in a match. So here we are, with Matt Morgan finally getting his much deserved crack at the upper reaches of the card, and Sting actually giving back and putting over an up and comer.

And putting over is exactly what he did.

Matt Morgan spent 97% of this match beating Sting into oblivion. He kicked out of the Scorpion Deathdrop on 1, he powered out of the Scorpion Deathlock almost effortlessly, and he had Sting on the ropes this whole match and just generally locked like an enormous badass who was dangerous as all hell. Sting, for his part, took a hell of a beating, and in between served up some offense we haven’t see from him in this millennium. He looked like at some points he was trying to do some things that his body just wasn’t capable of doing anymore (the botched reversal of the Hellevator springs to mind), but the things he did do were picture perfect and spot on.

I have to say that I was really impressed with Sting, as I usually am when they book him out of the main event for 5 minutes in a row. The man still has a ton to offer, especially to an up and comer like Matt Morgan, and whenever he pulls out a performance like this, I’m reminded why everyone thought he was so damn good in the first place. I am prepared to give him the title of Best Professional Wrestler Over The Age of 50. And honestly, I might be willing to go lower with the same claim.

Great little match, did exactly what it was supposed to, and will stick in my mind, most likely, as the best part of this show.

79 out of 100.

Sting over Matt Morgan Following A Top Rope Scorpion Death Drop.

Segment 11 – Samoa Joe and AJ Styles Are Going To Work Together As A Team.

Cewsh: Good luck with that AJ. Good luck with that.

Segment 12 – TNA World Heavyweight Championships – Team 3D (Traveling At 3 Donuts Per Hour.) © vs. (I Heart) Beer Money Inc.

Vice: Aaaah yeeeeeeeeesssssssssss. Beer Money vs. Team 3D XCVIII (or 98 if you aren’t awesome enough to count that high in roman numerals). These guys have battled at least that many times, if not even more. These two teams basically ARE the tag division, it seems. Yeah, the Guns, Lethal Consequences and some other teams here and there show up every now and then, but it really is basically Team 3D and Beer Money.

The good:
-These teams have fairly good chemistry and put on good matches

-One team is, on paper, one of the best ever and pretty goddamn legendary

-The other team is comprised of two future stars

The bad:
-The matches are good, but they’re practically all the same match just
remixed a bit

-No one in this match needs this win

The ugly:
-Team 3D

The match was good fun and I enjoyed it, but I’ve seen it before. 97 times. Also, I’m glad Team 3D finally put over that upcoming tag team that desperately needed to break the glass ceiling in TNA and win the tag titles for the first time! Yay for making stars out of a group of nobodies! I mean, that’s what the whole tag team invitational tournament thing was for, right? To put over a new team?

Cewsh: So Beer Money sort of turned face for awhile last month, but it turns out that they were just fooling and are really still big heels who hate Team 3D, which for some reason managed to take Team 3D by surprise. For all of their experience, man, they sure are gullible. Anyway, Beer Money won the whole Tag Team Invitational Tournament, and got themselves this title shot here, and its pretty much their last shot for the time being if they can’t win.

This match was boring. B-O-R-I-N-G. If you’ve seen one Team 3D match, you seriously have seen all of them, and especially since they haven’t altered their characters one whit since roughly the last time Shane Douglas was relevant. Here they wrestle Beer Money for what feels like the 700th time, and there just isn’t any heat or excitement on the match for me. Why do I care? Because Beer Money hurt Team 3D’s feelings? Because Beer Money broke off the epic Bromance that had been developing? Are we seriously having a tag team title feud based on bromance? Fuck’s sake, man.

This match is long, and not a ton happens in it, and, full disclosure here, I fell asleep in the middle of it and had to rewind to see what I had missed. I don’t know if you want to pin that on me being tired or what, but its worth keeping in mind if you should choose to seek this match out. After awhile (a long while) The British Invasion show up and cause trouble for Team 3D, resulting in the lone highlight of this match, which was Don West talking in the single worst British accent in the history of the world. Heel Don West is so awesome, its ridiculous to consider how long people spent begging for him to be fired.

Anyway, some other stuff happened, including Bubba Ray almost breaking Rob Terry’s neck by jumping off the top rope to the outside on top of him. I’ll admit, I was kind of hoping for that cartoon side effect where Terry would sit up, and be laying in a hole in the ground exactly his shape and size. Alas, humor is dead.

60 out of 100.

Beer Money over Team 3D Following the DWI.

BEER MONEY INC. ARE YOUR NEW TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!

Segment 13 – Kurt Angle Has A Beard!

Cewsh: And stubble on his head! Holy shit! He doesn’t look like a penis wearing an American flag for the first time in years! Dude!

Also, Angle wants the title, and wants to beat up Samoa Joe.

HAIR!

Segment 14 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – King of the Mountain Match – AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, and Mick Foley ©.

Cewsh Notes:

– So we already had a King of the Mountain match earlier tonight, and they choose to explain the rules NOW? Guess we’re supposed to ignore the first one.

– KURT ANGLE HAS HAIR!

– The little lead ups that they do as each man is on the way to the ring are so fucking cool. I love that shit. It makes the main event seem so incredibly epic, and makes it feel like a huge fight.

– Kurt has really trimmed down. Between that and his hair, he almost looks like an entirely different person. An awesomer one.

– Ahahaha, Angle comes out wearing a Sidney Crosby jersey. What a pimp. Take that Detroit.

– Sigh. They had this big huge epic build up to this match going on, and then absolutely ruined it. Samoa Joe put on a Detroit Red Wings jersey and attacked Kurt Angle, choking him out. As a result the referees decide that Joe has to start the match in the penalty box and Angle is automatically eligible to win the match at any time. WHAT. THE. SHIT. I get that pandering to live crowds is important and all, but to diffuse this great tension that you have created with something so ridiculous and out of character for Joe is just mind numbing. Fuck.

– Mick Foley lets Jeff Jarrett pin him and then demands that he be put in the penalty box. Apparently, he’s certain that he and Jarrett are on the same team, which is clearly news to Jeff.

– Joe chokes out Foley, and Foley sells it by sticking his tongue out and wheezing. Hilarious.

– Where the shit is Styles? He’s been out of the ring since the beginning of the match.

– Ahaha, oh there he is. Springboarding all over the place.

– Oh my fucking god. Let me document the events that just occurred. First, Mick climbs up on top of the penalty box. Then Styles follows him up there, and Foley teases superplexing him all the way into the ring. Styles blocks it and teases superplexing Foley through the announce table, but instead Foley just throws Styles back into the ring, and then FOLEY ELBOW DROPS KURT ANGLE. From off the penalty box! Or, for reference sake, from off the top of one of Jeff Hardy’s batshit crazy ladders. What a crazy bastard!

– Christ, Foley has been bumping around like a madman all match.

– AJ gets within INCHES before getting powerbombed directly on top of his head by Joe. I told you trusting him was a bad idea!

– Joe grabs the belt! He’s climbing alongside Angle! What is going to happen?!

Warning. Do not read any further if you in any way enjoy being surprised and have managed to keep this from being spoiled for you to this point. Seriously. You have been warned.

– Samoa Joe HANDS THE BELT TO ANGLE who hangs it up to win the title. They hug and shake hands! Samoa Joe has joined the Main Event Mafia! The guy whispering his ear was Kurt Angle all along! Samoa Joe has finally come full circle and turned full heel at last. The ultimate deception has been carried out by the Main Event Mafia and Kurt Angle is your NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion!

Man oh man, what a spectacle. These guys really went out of their way and provided one hell of a match for us to watch here. I thought the X Division guys ruined this gimmick earlier in the night, but these 5 guys made those 5 look like complete amateurs. High spots, and big moves, and a white hot storyline for an ending, this is exactly what TNA looks like when they get their formula right and pull it off the way that they mean to. This match, and the way it ended have me so enraptured that I’m practically throwing my wallet at the screen asking for more. Well fucking done, TNA. I am completely blown away and pleased with one of your main events. Please god keep this momentum going and make this work. Please?

87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: It’s crazy to think that Kurt Angle has only been wrestling professionally for 10 years. It just seems so much longer than that, especially considering how truly great he is/was/can be. When TNA put up the Tale of the Tape for the main event, Jarrett and Foley both clocked in at 23 years. AJ and Angle clocked in at 10. Joe clocked in at 9. So Angle, AJ and Joe have all been wrestling for about the same length of time, yet Kurt Angle seems like some ridiculous veteran while Joe and AJ are just the cream of the crop in terms of indy wrestlers. I dunno, it probably doesn’t seem crazy to anyone else, but it was a definite “huh…” moment for me. Fuck off, alright? Also, Kurt seriously gives me Randy Couture vibes. It’s very different and I’m totally not used to it at all, but I also fucking love it at the same time. It’s something he really needs right now.

The match itself was a typical King of the Mountain match, in that it was a good and fun mess, but nothing really beyond that. The talking point of this match is obviously not the match itself, but the result, how it came about, and the entire world wondering just who came up with that idea.

Joe comes back as a scary monster and threatens Scott Steiner’s life. Literally. He actually takes a giant hunting knife/blade/SWORD to his throat one night, and then it’s implied that Joe has actually, in fact, killed Scott Steiner. Live on PPV, of course. Then Joe makes it his quest to hunt down the rest of the Main Event Mafia. Finally getting his shot at the gold, with belt in his hand and a number of steps up the ladder, he.. simply.. hands.. Angle.. the belt..? And the rest of the Main Event Mafia comes out to clap as Angle hugs Joe? Joe joins the Main Event Mafia?

This is where I’m incredibly torn about this “swerve”. Right when it happened, it made absolutely zero sense and I honestly wanted to spit on my monitor and vow to never watch TNA again because this was the dumbest thing they could have possibly done. Yeah. It was that fucking retarded. They’ve done a lot of stupid stuff, but have recovered well enough, but that’s the problem– they are very good at bouncing back and brushing something awful under the carpet; so good that they don’t ever LEARN from their mistakes enough to not make them again. They know that if they completely fuck up, they can fix everything back up very quickly. It’d be best if they just avoided making huge mistakes, ya know? However, after watching this match again and giving the “swerve” time to digest, and spending a lot of time thinking about the entire angle..

Well..

I’m almost tempted to call it brilliant. Legitimately brilliant.

Before you go callin’ me crazy and stuff, hear me out. You know how Joe getting destroyed and coming back was kind of REALLY awkward? And him “killing” Steiner didn’t really play out too well? And how the worst of the worst that Joe did was almost always off camera? And how there were 90,000 inconsistencies in the storyline leading up to this show? Stuff that even in my heyday as a giant fan I could not explain properly? Bam, motherfuckers. Seriously– go back. If you put all the little pieces together, this actually seems like it was built from day fucking one. This isn’t just some “lol have Joe swerve the fans for no reason cause they’ll never see it comin” booking that everyone pegs Russo with. If this was intentional, I seriously tip my hat to TNA for doing something pretty goddamn amazing. However, it could have just been a total mess of booking over the past few months followed by a ridiculous swerve for no reason, and everything falling into place was a complete accident.. which is most likely the reality.. but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here.

I’m very interested in tuning into the next Impact. Fuck, I might actually avoid the spoilers and watch it on television. From a quick list I made in my head, there are 6 “quick” directions they can take this angle in. 4 of those would turn me off TNA for a while. 1 of them would make me smile and possibly even tune in the following week. The final one would actually make me applaud, so I’m guessing that’s not what’s going to happen. I’m not going to get my hopes up, but right now I’m actually very impressed with TNA.

Kurt Angle over Everyone Else Following Him Hanging The Title Belt.

KURT ANGLE IS YOUR NEW TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

——————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Well, up until the main event, I was going to come here and say that this show was same ol’, same ol’ for TNA. Mediocre undercard, and then the much hyped main event which is utterly disappointing. The thing, though, is that the main event wasn’t disappointing in the slightest. In fact, it was fucking awesome, and as a result the entire show seems better as a whole. Its amazing how a great main event can make everything else seem better, but I think I’m going to remember this as a really good show, even if the individual ratings say otherwise. It wasn’t perfect, but what ever is?

Cewsh’s Final Score: 69.7 out of 100.
Vice’s Analysis:

Vice: A lot of the same shit I’ve come to expect from TNA, really. This PPV went a bit above and beyond their usual fare, which is good considering it’s one of their big shows. I’m left with an unusually small amount of disgust and a large amount of legitimate intrigue. It wasn’t a great PPV, but it did its job and I will tune into Impact. I know I’m being super hopeful, but TNA could get REALLY awesome soon. And fuck, if they’re going to Awesomeville, I want to be on the first bus there.

Vice’s Final Score: 68 out of 100.

And, in a new feature, here is a video of the show. It was made by TNA themselves, not us, and it is FULL of spoilers. If you don’t mind every match being spoiled, and are on the fence about seeing the show, maybe this will help out.

Again, SPOILER ALERT, motherfuckers!

That’ll do it for another edition of Cewsh Reviews boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our review of a show that wasn’t soul crushingly awful, and we’ve got to admit that it’s a relief to review a show that is not only decent, but interesting and relevant as well. Next week will be no different as we bring you WWE’s The Bash PPV, which should be exciting, or, at the very least, an opportunity for us to mark out for a PPV main evented by CM Punk (SQUEE!). Until then, kiddos, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another.

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