WWE Extreme Rules 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE EXTREME RULES 2009

Welcome cats and kittens, to another stirring edition of the John F. Weinbrom Award winning Cewsh Reviews… Today we will be covering something so EXTREME that its EXTREMITIES may be EXTREMELY cold. We did leave the air conditioning on all night, and frankly all of our EXTREMITIES are EXTREMELY EXTREME at the moment. Wait, did I just substitute the word EXTREME for an unrelated noun? Dude, that’s fucking EXTREME.

Ahead, at any rate, today our offering to the Cewsh Reviews’ ever growing fanbase of derelicts and people wasting valuable work hours is WWE Extreme Rules 2009! Every match has a gimmick, and many of the matches are very similar to the ones held at Judgment Day just a month ago. Will that make the matches familiar and well worked? Or repetitive and lacking drama? I guess there is one way to know for sure. Only one though.

Without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review, shall we?

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: You know, for a show that doesn’t look super exciting on paper, the WWE production crew certainly makes it seem like Wrestlemania anyway, don’t they? I mean, I know I give verbal (just verbal for now) blowjobs to the full production staff at WWE seemingly every month, but they just bring their A game month in and month out. This time the Epic Voice Lady drops some knowledge on us about the kind of show we’ll see tonight (I hear it’ll be EXTREME), and they hype up Orton vs. Batista, Show vs. Cena, and Hardy vs. Edge very well. Of course, that’s all they bother to feature, which kind of shows exactly how important this undercard is in the general scheme of things, but this is the summer time and we all know that summer time is a transition time for WWE. So let’s roooooooll with it.

Think Epic Voice Lady can be hired for phone sex? Just curious.

Vice: Ack when WWE recently started the epic opening videos, I thought it was pretty cool. They were different and that was cool. I can’t even remember the last WWE PPV that didn’t have this epic narration. They’re all the same now, too. They’re pretty much just TNA opening videos now, but with a woman instead of the awesomely epic black guy in a dashiki. I’m not surprised though, ‘cause when something works in WWE, it’s usually followed by far too much of it.

While I’m bitching, I may as well get this out of my system: “Extreme Rules” is a fucking awful name for a PPV, and the only way it could be any worse was if it was “Xtreme Rulez”, which it thankfully is not. But still, it’s awful.

Shane: So, we need to ditch the One Night Stand name for the upcoming PPV, and we need something new. It’s going to be the same layout though—every match is going to be Extreme Rules. So, what should it be called?

Extreme rules?

Shane: Yeah, you know the matches where anythi—

Vince: As I said before, my intelligently challenged spawn of my semen…

EXTREME RULES?

EXTREME RULES!!!!!

Shane: You want it to be called “Extreme Rules”? Isn’t that a little bit, I dunno, fucking stupid?

OOOOOHOOOOOOO rub his nose in good!

But hey, at least they aren’t doing another One Night Stand again. ‘Cause, you know, it’d defeat the purpose of the name “One Night Stand” to have a second one. Oh, I mean fifth. I’m glad they realized their idiocy by year five. They couldn’t have given it any other name though? Maybe they should give that rumored upcoming submission-only PPV a fantastically creative name like “Submissions”. Brilliant, right!?

They honestly couldn’t have come up with a better name than Extreme Rules?????

Fuck.

Segment 2 – WWE United States Championship – Kofi (Sold Me…..I Mean My Friend….Weed Once) Kingston © vs. William (Taking His Yearly Vacation From Being On Vacation) Regal vs. M(F)att Hardy vs. M (Moaning) V (Voluptuous) P (Panda).

Cewsh: First of all, let me say that the set is fucking rad tonight. It’s a huge x with video screens on all sides, and it just looks huge, and cool, and impressive.

Second of all, some background on this match. See Kofi and MVP have been having a friendly revialry for the past few weeks, culminating in Kofi beating MVP for the United States championship. MVP showed him respect and they shook hands, but they’ve both been dealing with Regal and Hardy’s interference, as the two try to convince Vickie Guerrero to give them United States championship matches for the help they gave her in beating up Santino.

Still with me? Alright good.

This match is pretty much the perfect picture of an opening match. It wasn’t an amazing match or anything, and I seriously doubt that it will upstage anything else that will happen on the show, but it will simply add to the overall quality of the show. It was fast paced, it featured great undercarder, including two great up and comers, and another two fantastic veteran guys, and they just went for it, and fired up the fans for the rest of the night. Everybody comes out of the match looking stronger than when they went in, and I’m psyched for more wrestling. Can’t ask for more than that.

Seriously, though, of the four men in this ring, its Kofi Kingston who winds up looking like the guy with real tangible potential. MVP is over like gangbusters without a doubt, and is certainly speeding up the ladder on his way to stardom, but whenever the camera was on all four men, I was watching Kingston, and I found my eyes wandering searching for Kingston even when he wasn’t on screen. He just has a presence about him, that intangible “it” factor, I think, that makes him not only exciting to watch, but NECCESARY to watch. I’m verrrry interested to see where Mr. Kingston’s career takes him. Cewsh Reviews will be watching Kofi. We’ll be waaaaaaaaaatching.

I always feel like,
Somebody’s watchin’ meeeeeee.

Also, how the fuck does Kofi do that fucking head thing, where he bounces back on the ropes?

That’s like some voodoo magic shit, man.


74 out of 100.

Vice: And just to show off just how brutal and punishing this show is going to be, they kick it off with.. a normal match. Well, a FATAL fourway. So, I may as well discuss the participants..

Kofi – Awesome. He gets better every time I see him, and he seems like a guy that’ll hang around the midcard for a while and be awesome. And I mean that in a good way. There’s nothing wrong with being a staple of the midcard. There are only a few coveted places in the main event, and the midcard is absolutely necessary to put on an overall good show.

Regal – Amazing. That’s all there is to it.

Matt Hardy – He needs new music and badly. He’s supposed to be a dirty heel, right? Then why is he still rocking his face music? At least remix it or something. It really goes against his character, look and feel these days. And seriously, why does he have keys on his pants?

MVP – I like him, but he’s better as a heel. I’m going to get shit for this, but he seriously has one of the worst looks in WWE. The nose tape, headband, all the bling and the ridiculous outfit. His outfit can be really cool when there’s lots of color to it, along with some designs, but he just looks like a rotting tomato out there.

The match is pretty damn sloppy and full of botches and miscommunication, but it was a good opening match. The crowd was pretty solid, so that’s a good sign. The finish was pretty damn awesome and came by surprise, though I was a little disappointed by Kofi’s kick at the end. ROTATE, dude! Otherwise, it’s just a normal kick. And normal kicks shouldn’t finish the match, maaaan. I mean, like, if a guy’s finisher is a Phoenix splash (moonsault position into a normal 450), then clearly a standard 450 will never finish the match. WHY SHOULD IT BE DIFFERENT WITH KICKS?

Kofi Kingston over Everyone Else Following a Trouble In Paradise on William Regal.

Segment 3 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – No Holds Barred Match – Rey (The Tiniest Power Ranger) Mysterio © vs. Chris (Isn’t A Friendly Person) Jericho.

Cewsh: Jericho starts with a promo at the merchandise table about how Mysterio is a huge hypocrite and etcetera, etcetera, you know the general speech I’m talking about. He wanders through the crowd (very amusingly instructing fans not to touch him or he will knock them out), and gets into the ring, still berating Mysterio. See, Jericho has taken umbrage with the fact that Mysterio wears a mask. Apparently hiding your face makes you a hypocrite, and that makes Jericho fightin’ mad. So for weeks, Jericho has been trying to rip Mysterio’s mask off, leading to this No Holds Barred match for Mysterio’s Intercontinental championship.

I really had mixed feelings about this match. I’ll be honest about that from the get go. See, I don’t enjoy de-masking angles at all, because I don’t WANT Mysterio to have his mask off, even for a moment. Not because he’s an ugly dude or anything, but because I know how this is going to go. Jericho is going to heel the fuck up for awhile, use Rey’s mask to his advantage to do some serious damage, and eventually the whole idea will be blown off, and everyone will move on. However, if going after Rey’s mask bothers him so badly, then why doesn’t everyone do it? Why doesn’t everyone from Funaki to John Cena go straight for the mask to put Rey at a huge disadvantage? Sure a guy like Batista might respect the traditions of lucha masks and respect Rey enough not to, but Edge? Orton? Seriously?

As for the match itself, my mixed feelings continue. See, the first half of the match just didn’t stir me in any significant way. The beginning just didn’t flow as smoothly as their match last month, and the inevitable comparison to that very strong match, made the beginning of this one look disjointed and botchy by comparison. By the time Jericho hit the Codebreaker off of Rey’s springboard splash, though, I was right on board with this match, and they delivered a last half that really had me on the edge of my seat. Mysterio flew around the ring and made everything look great, but the real story here is Chris Jericho. Jericho’s character has gotten so huge and amazing by this point, that its almost like he can do no wrong. His every mannerism and movement in this match served a devious purpose, and the manipulation that led up to the pinfall of this match were nothing short of brilliant. The finish took me a minute to get, and I didn’t understand what had happened until the instant replay, but once I understood I was tremendously impressed.

A great finish, to a very solid match. Kudos to both men for their character work, and I’m much more excited to see Mysterio/Jericho III than I was to see II.

78 out of 100.

Vice: So, Chris Jericho’s music hits and he isn’t there. Thank god there was a random camera man filming Rey’s merchandise for no apparent reason, and that Jericho just happened to be 3 feet away. PHEW. Man that would have been awkward if that guy wasn’t there. Seriously, camera dude, that was clutch. I also love the fans in the background, especially that one dude that had his head popped out and was staring at the camera like a dear in headlights. And then the fans follow Jericho just so they can make gang signs on PPV. Awesome. What is it with people doing retarded things the second a camera is pointed at them?

Jericho says he’s going to rip the mask off of Mysterio and expose his identity to everyone. There are two problems with this. First one is simple, second one is somewhat deeper. Both are probably nitpicking, but whatever.

1) If Jericho wants to “expose Rey’s identity”, why not just play some footage from WCW after Rey LOST HIS MASK? ‘Cause, you know, he didn’t have a mask for a while. Or he could just use the internet. Look at this:

2) I really dislike Jericho saying he’s going to rip Rey’s mask off, just like last PPV when he said that Rey wasn’t going to hit the 619. Why? Because they’re telling us the story of the match right off the bat. Instead of the match just being Jericho wanting Rey’s mask off or countering the 619 repeatedly, our hand is held and BAM! The focus of the match will be ______. Or that will at least be worked into the finish or something.

Naturally, Rey comes to the ring wearing his half-mask that’s being held on by two itty bitty straps. He’s so damn proud of it and Jericho’s tried pulling it off before, so let’s make it as easy as possible for it to be ripped off. Why? It just makes sense. And when the mask does come flying off, I don’t think Rey will learn from his mistakes. In fact, haven’t his half-masks been ripped off before?

Jericho throws Rey at the stairs. Rey flips over. Jericho rushes over. Rey kicks the stairs 3 inches and Jericho has been hit by a car. Cool looking spot, but it really makes no sense. Why would Jericho run straight at the stairs? Had Rey not kicked them, Jericho would have ran into them himself. So, um, cool?

Rey getting flung out of the ring and crashing face first is always a fun thing to watch.

Rey’s face is pretty much fully exposed. Not sure if that was completely intentional, but whatever. It was on display.

Jericho countering Rey’s splash into the Codebreaker was pretty goddamn hot, I gotta say, even if Jericho more or less completely no sold the move, just like he absolutely no sold Rey’s seated senton.

Around 36 minutes into this brutal, punishing event known as Extreme Rules, the very first instance of “extreme” shows its face. And that would be a steal chair. For some reason, Rey Mysterio, being himself, cannot win this match. So naturally, he decides to channel the EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME of Sabu! And thus he is jumping off chairs and doing other random shit with it. To cap it off, he drills Jericho with a nasty chairshot and, of course, after wobbling around for a brief period of time and being out on his feet, Jericho lands… you guessed it!… in the 619 position. Then Jericho completely no sells the chair shot, rips Mysterio’s mask off in mid-619 (which was pretty awesome), then rolls him up for his ninth intercontinental championship, then proceeds to prance around because he’s a heel and thus full of himself. Way to sell though, Jericho.

It was a very good, exciting match and I enjoyed it, but it definitely had its flaws. And really, I’d rather see Jericho with a belt around his waist than Mysterio.

Fuck Mysterio.

Chris Jericho over Rey Mysterio Following a Roll Up After Stealing Rey’s Mask.

CHRIS JERICHO IS YOUR NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!

Segment 4 – Funky Like a Monkey, Baby.

Cewsh: Say, Randy Savage’s DVD boxset is on sale now.

Buy that shit NOW, motherfucker.

Then have some chocolate milk, or something. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life.

Segment 5 – Batista Be All Mad And Junk.

Vice: I really hate the abundance of video packages. Josh Matthews invites Batista to watch a recap of what happened on RAW, which would explain why Batista is so grumpy. Instead of a replay, they show a whole goddamn hype video. They could have a) showed a quick replay, or b) had Batista just cut his promo, since his promo really didn’t have anything to do [directly] with the video package. If you couldn’t tell, Batista is really pissed off. Oh, and instead of showing a hype video and have Batista cut an angry promo right before the match, we instead go to Umaga vs. Punk, because that makes sense. Yep? Yep.

Cewsh: So, it turns out that Batista is pretty steamed that Randy Orton punted Ric Flair in the head on Raw last week. In fact, steamed just doesn’t quite say it. Grilled maybe? With a light mesquite glaze? No, no. Baked? Maybe wrapped in tinfoil with seasonings and spices and left to cook at 425 for 45 minutes? Mmm.

Where was I going with this? I’m getting a sandwich.

Segment 6 – Samoan Strap Match – CM (Crunk Monkey) Punk vs. (Ew) Umaga.

Vice: So we’re about a third of the way through the PPV, and this is the third match. Fear not, though, for this match is EXTREME. Not only is it EXTREME, but it also has a gimmick! It’s a Samoan strap match, which is sure to bring out the violence in everyone involved. How do you win such an EXTREME match while you are literally tied to your opponent? Simple. You touch all four turnbuckles.

Wait, what?

Yes, that’s right. You touch all four turnbuckles. Sheer brutality. And naturally you really could just down your opponent in the middle of the ring and run around the ring real quick tagging all the turnbuckles, which would make so much sense that it loops around the spectrum and thus makes sense to walk around the ring as slow as physically possible, sometimes with the opponent outside of the ring where there is clearly no way to reach the far turnbuckles.

The match was solid for what it was and had a pretty hot finish, but it’s such a dumb gimmick. Good to see Punk get the victory here.

Cewsh: Okay, so this one is a little tough to call.

I remain an enormous mark for CM Punk, and I very likely always will. He’s got everything, the look, the skills, the mic work, the awesomeness quotient, its all there. Despite all that though, he’s had a string of matches now that I simply did not want to watch. Its not that they were bad matches, or even not good ones, because he had more than decent matches with both Kane and Umaga. Its just that I want to see him doing more, and neither Kane nor Umaga really stirs any sort of interest these days, unfortunately. So when I sat down to watch this, I was not in any way excited for it. Another Umaga/Punk match, and a wacky gimmick match (and my least favorite gimmick match in all of wrestling, no less) seemed to add up to unhappiness for Cewsh.

Boy was I wrong. This match was fucking fantastic.

Now, I know I’ve been hard on the strap match as a concept before, and this match didn’t change that. The idea of tying two people together and then racing to see who can touch the four corners first is far more American Gladiators than professional wrestling, and the whole thing just stinks of the boring bloodbaths of the NWA days. Dusty Rhodes’ fat, bloody carcus presents an especially strong picture. With all of that that said, though, this one just clicked for me somehow. Punk had just the right amount of firey babyfaceness to get me involved without making me roll my eyes, and Umaga played the immovable object to perfection as he often does. Punk bounced all over the place, and Umaga threw good looking power move, after good looking power move, and it all just worked. No rhyme or reason that I can figure, just all the stars aligning to give us a great match that had no business being as great as it was. Great performances from both men without a doubt, and yet another star making performance from CM Punk.

Cewsh Note: It has come to my attention that the day following the airing of this PPV, Umaga was released from his WWE contract. If this is the case, I truly wish him the best of luck, as he is extremely talented, and will no doubt latch on somewhere and make his family proud.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh Download Seal of Approval.

CM Punk over Umaga Following Punk Touching All Four Corners.
Segment 7 – “When Tommy Dreamer Takes His Shirt Off, He Looks He Looks Like A Melting Candle.”

Cewsh: L. O. L.

Dreamer and Christian trade friendly (or maybe not so friendly) insults with each other about this match, and then when Swagger shows up, they just wander off and ignore him.

Poor Swagger. He should have be named Jack Emo. BECAUSE HE HAS NO FRIENDS. Bwahahahahahaha.

Ahem. Yes.

Segment 8 – ECW Heavyweight Championship – Hardcore Triple Threat Match – Christian (The Wick) © vs. Tommy (WAKE UP ALREADY) Dreamer vs. Jack (Emo) Swagger.

Cewsh: Alright, so if Tommy Dreamer does not win this match tonight, he is officially fired from the WWE, as his contract will expire. Christian is his friend, who nevertheless isn’t letting go of the title if he can help it, and Swagger is the ex champion who never got his proper rematch, and has something to prove.

See, the trouble with the whole “Tommy Dreamer must win” storyline, is that he really, really mustn’t win this match. Tommy Dreamer is no longer capable of wrestling quality matches (if, indeed, he ever was), and however over he once was, the reaction he gets is a shell of what it once was. So what we have is a compelling storyline, set around someone who hasn’t truly been compelling since the 90s. As a result, I can’t help but feel that Tommy is neither deserving, nor capable of handling his current push, so I’m kind of resenting the fact that he’s getting it. Letting a man respectfully retire in a good place is one thing. To all of a sudden pretend he’s more than you’ve pushed him as for almost a decade (a jobber), is kind of insulting to be perfectly honest.

But since I never much liked Dreamer or the original ECW, I guess that this isn’t really a story for me, is it?

Anyway, this match is truly nothing to write home about. Christian and Swagger never have a bad match together, but having Dreamer in the with them just slowed everything down. His style doesn’t mesh with either of his opponent’s styles, and the clash was very obvious at a lot of points. Also obvious was Swagger’s unease at working with all of the weapons, and Christian’s inability to stand out in a situation like this. It was a match clearly designed to highlight and suit Tommy Dreamer, but instead of helping Dreamer, it only hurt his opponents, resulting in a ho hum match, reminiscent of the old hardcore tv matches from 2001.

As for the ending, well, I think it was fucking stupid. I know, I know, Tommy Dreamer, ECW, excetera, excetera, but frankly you just put a washed up star from the 90s that you’ve been using as job bait for 10 years, over one of your top up and coming stars, and a great wrestler with main event potential (Swagger and Christian respectively), and for what? For a nice moment? Those are very important, but not here, not like this. Tommy Dreamer’s career was defined by victory in defeat. To have him win here is so out of character and ridiculous, that I can hardly even credit it.

I am not looking forward to any Tommy Dreamer title defenses.

64 out of 100.

Vice: Trash cans and their lids are the least dangerous looking weapons ever. Real trash cans, especially their lids, could seriously fuck someone up in an actual fight.. but not these aluminum foil creations. The cans themselves aren’t horrendous, but I seriously laugh at the lids– especially when people sell them like baseball bats to the face.

They pretty much completely did a threeway spot from the opening match, which was pretty disappointing. Though, at least this one wasn’t fucked up by MVP.

The match was pretty good, but far from anything special.

I really liked Tommy’s role throughout this match. He seriously wrestled like a guy who needed to dig super deep. He had to whip out some old tricks and give everything he had to wrestle like the Dreamer that was a big name a decade ago. It definitely wasn’t the Tommy that I’m used to seeing. But, I have to ask…

WHY THE FUCK DID HE WIN?

Tommy’s whole story is the guy that never really could. He never wanted to win the original ECW title, and he considers that a mistake, like breaking his character. So they give him the title again, when there’s much better talent out there? Him losing the match would have been a much better moment, I’d say, but I’ll see where this goes. If he just happily vacates it, I’ll be rather annoyed.

And seriously, when is someone going to lose a match where they’re putting it all on the line? I’m so tired of “if I don’t ________, I’ll never wrestle again!”, followed by a win. I’ll give WWE some props though; I didn’t think they were dumb enough to actually put the title on Dreamer, so it was a bit of a surprise.

Tommy Dreamer over Everyone Else Following a DDT on Jack Swagger.

TOMMY DREAMER IS YOUR NEW ECW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Segment 9 – Miss Wrestlemania Championship – Hog Pen Match – Santina (Sigh) Marella vs. Vickie (Why, Vickie, Why?) Guerrero.

Vice: Ooooooooohhhhhh, now this is what’s up.

A cross-dressing Italian up against the widow of one of the best wrestlers to ever lace up a pair of boots.. in a HOG PEN match! All I have to say is:

EXTREEEEEEEEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Ok, that was a lie. There’s no way I could just leave it at that. This is just embarrassing and something that makes me ashamed to watch wrestling sometimes. Seriously. Everything about this segment was just atrocious. It was EXTREME, however.

Post-match, I’m pretty sure I saw Vickie Guerrero’s nipple, but unlike most other potential nipple slips, this one I am not investigating.

Cewsh: Okay. For fuck’s sake. Enough with this angle.

“Santina” actually amused me for a few weeks. Hell almost a full month of smirks it earned from me. That was 3 months ago. ENOUGH. Its not funny anymore, the fans aren’t responding anymore, and the fact that they turned Santino face off of this entire thing is just a sad, sad fact considering how much better of a heel than a face his character lends itself to. Truly and simply, I don’t want to watch this. I understand that people pay to see heels like Vickie get humiliated, and get their comeuppance. Hell, that’s one of the founding principals of wrestling. The fact is, though, that I just don’t want to see Santino in drag wrestling Vickie Guerrero in an Evening Gown in a big bunch of mud and pig shit. Who is this idea targeting? Who is vastly amused by this prospect? I accept that there is someone out there for whom this is an awesome idea, but that man is not me.

This was awful. Just awful. If you’re going to do a match like this, why not have it be a regular match, where the loser has to be slopped? That way at least you get a match, and then when the slopping occurs, it’s a big deal and gets a big laugh from everyone. Having everyone rolling in the mud and shit from the first minute, makes the rest of the match seem unnecessary.

This kind of thing really makes me wonder who is coming up with things like this. How can the same group of people who give us incredibly brilliant and complex angles like Jericho/Michaels or Triple H/Batista, also be capable of stuff like this? I just don’t know man. Its saddening in a big way. Its hard enough to convince people that watching wrestling isn’t super lame, or that writing a wrestling review blog (not that I’m talking about anyone in particular) isn’t a huge waste of time and resources without stuff like this putting a mirror up to how sad and ridiculous it all can be.

And if Michael Cole doesn’t stop fake laughing at everything that Santino does, I’m going to drive to Connecticut and twist his enormous ears into a new windbreaker for myself.

Try me, Cole.

6 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Seal of Disapproval. If Only I Had One.

Santina over Vickie and Chavo Following Something Unwatchable.
Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Steel Cage Match – Randy (The Hero Of Ric Flair’s Many Ex Wives) Orton © vs. (You Sunk My) Bat(tleship)ista.

Vice: See, this video package makes the other one very unnecessary, especially considering the previous video IS ACTUALLY THE SECOND HALF OF THIS ONE. Fucking hell. I hate to go down this route, but the videos kind of remind me of MTV Cribs. Obviously very different, but every episode of Cribs looks the same. All the editing, all the cuts.. it’s all the same. It just has a generic formula, and 90% of WWE videos these days have that exact same formula. And even better, they air the video NOT before the match, but before a Vickie/Chavo/Goldswoggle/Edge segment. So, yeah. They get the hype going and then totally switch gears.

But anyway, Orton vs. Batista is finally ready to start. Orton, the champion, comes out first. Kofi also came out first. Rey came out second, but that’s because Jericho had to cut his massive promo, otherwise Rey probably would have come out first. Seriously, what’s up with that?

What caught me off guard about this match, firstly, is just how bloody short it was. Bell to bell, it clocked in at juuuuust over 7 minutes. Keep in mind that the first promo (and video package) with Batista was like 4 minutes and 15 seconds. The second video was a handful of seconds less. From the start of Orton’s music, the entrances until the bell lasted just over 5 minutes. So really, the match was pretty damn short and it didn’t really do a lot. Orton is a chickenshit and tries to escape. Fails. Batista slaps him around a bit. Orton tries to escape. Fails. Batista slaps him around a bit. Orton tries to escape. Fails. Batista slaps him around a bit. Orton briefly tries to fight the beast. Fails. Batista slaps him around a bit. Orton tries to escape. Fails. The end.

Apparently Batista is already injured leading up to this match, so slapping the title on him is a brilliant idea. Whatever. There was good character work and a fairly good story, but considering how big of a match it could have been, I can’t help but feel disappointed.

Cewsh: Hmm.

Well.

Hmm.

Okay. So, to call this a match really wouldn’t be entirely accurate. This was the “Randy Orton gets his ass kicked show.” He did too, he really, really did. Man, did Randy Orton get his ass kicked. There was this one part where Orton was getting his ass kicked, and then, I looked back at the screen, and Orton was getting his ass kicked again. I think he got a punch or something in, and then, yeah, ass kicked. Then Orton started to get some decent offense on Batista, and then…well the match ended.

So…um…yeah.

What was actually here was not bad at all, but the match felt like it was in fast forward. I’m not sure what went into it being that way, whether it was time constraints, or somebody getting hurt or what, but this match felt rushed in a major way, and the ending, while absolutely fine and good and effective, was kind of anticlimactic, just because of how out of nowhere it seemed. Not in the “Stone Cold Stunner/RKO Impact and Its Over” kind of out of nowhere either. The “Oh, is it over already?” kind. Yeah. That kind.

I’m intrigued at the result, though. Very, very, very intrigued.

68 out of 100.

Batista over Randy Orton Following The Batista Bomb.

BATISTA IS THE NEW WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Segment 11 – Submission Match – John (I Have Never) Cena (Jurassic Park) vs. The Big (Lebowski) Show.

Vice: The opening bit in the Cena/Show video made me a bit sick to my stomach. Scratch that—the entire damn thing made me sick to my stomach.

The match starts off like an MMA fight, which is kind of lame. Really lame. The commentators stress just how PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE it is for Cena to apply the STFU on Big Show. They even highlighted it in the video package, showing clips of him failing to apply it three different times at Judgment Day. So what does Cena immediately do? HE TRIES TO APPLY THE STFU. Honestly, fucking hell. Allow me to predict something—Cena is going to win via STFU. He’s going to do what’s “literally impossible” and will, naturally, shock the world. Or he’s going to use a weapon or something. But he’s probably going to win via STFU. If he doesn’t, I’ll be genuinely surprised.

There’s no rope breaks with EXTREME rules?

CENA GOES FOR THE PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE MOVE AGAIN. Is he fucking retarded? AND AGAIN! Do you not know any other moves? Do you have no idea how to adapt to different situations, like, trying to submit a big monster?

Ok, so you can adapt. Ugh. This is one of those finishes that probably looked really awesome on paper, but just failed miserably in execution. The obvious fuck up here is that Big Show’s leg immediately popped out from the ropes. Naturally he tried kicking it back in, but that didn’t work at all. Luckily the people in the truck saw the problem and cut away from it rather quickly. Still though, it just looked sloppy. I give them points for trying, but it was a mess.

Oh, the match? I haven’t been so bored in I don’t even fucking know how long. I thought their last PPV match was boring, and this one completely puts it to shame. I could seriously go on and on and on and on and on about how amazingly boring this match was and it wouldn’t do it justice.

Fucking horrible. Awful awful awful. Atrocious. Hated it. Oh, AND Cena won. Jesus. Did you see him sticking his tongue out while Big Show was in the STFU? Awful facial expressions. Shame on Cena fans.

And seriously, no rope breaks?

“Somehow, someway.. John Cena has done it again”, sayeth Michael Cole. I seriously can’t believe they’re still booking Cena like this.

I don’t think Tanahashi bursting through the entranceway on a golden chocobo could have saved this segment, and Tanahashi bursting through the entranceway on a golden chocobo would be really fucking awesome.

Cewsh: You know how sometimes you watch a match and you just instantly know that its going to be a magnet for controversy? Like Sting/Hogan at Starrcade, or Michaels/Hart at Survivor Series, or, to a much lesser extent, Triple H/Orton at Wrestlemania. You watch it, and as its unfolding, you find yourself watching it, not so much through your own eyes, but through the eyes of the community. Every time certain spots happen, or certain choices for the direction of the match are revealed, you know, you just KNOW, when those things are going to piss people off and rile them up. Even though you may disagree entirely with that opinion, you still sort of half cringe, just thinking of the backlash on the internets the next day. Thinking of the arguments you’ll have to endure every time you talk about it, and thinking about how you would almost prefer to agree and not like the match, just because it would be less of a hassle.

Well this is one of those matches. My potentially harmful opinion? This match was da bomb.

Alright, so my hip hop vernacular is mired in the Kris Kross days, but my point is that this match was fantastic. I loved the Cena was constantly playing the face in dire peril, I loved that the Big Show was toying with Cena because he was so certain that he would win, and I loved that they played with the format of the match to give us something different from the norm. This match could have lasted 10 minutes and still included, for the most part, all the same stuff, but instead of just giving us the by the numbers match, they took the heat on the match, and they carefully nurtured it, giving it lots of time to grow, and every time it seemed like the comeback might finally be on and the match might end, they’d take it back, replant it, and start growing it again. By the end of the match, the people were absolutely buzzing. Not cheering. Buzzing. They were discussing what they were seeing, and that’s something that is very difficult to accomplish in wrestling. They built the heat so high, so far, so insanely out of reach that it was almost like nobody knew what possibly COULD end the match.

So yeah, I liked that a lot. I like it when superior talents tweak the formula and try to offer something very different, because it makes me think, and I like to be challenged in that way. Is this match going to be for everyone? Absolutely fucking not, it will not be. In fact, I believe my compatriot would rather have stuck his dick in a meat grinder than watch it, but that’s my stance, and I am steadfastly holding to it.

83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

John Cena over The Big Show Following The STFU.

Segment 12 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Ladder Match – (W)Edge © Jeff (Biggs) Hardy.

Cewsh: Oh yes, now HERE’S my shit right here.

It seems like, in today’s wrestling, that innovation seems to equal MOVEZ. Not simply with the fans who watch the product, but with the wrestlers themselves, who seem content to use the general established archetype for everything. The few people who are experimenting with things and trying to find new ways are often ridiculed for being different and harder to understand, and as a result, a lot of things wind up just looking the same.

Thank god, then, for ladder matches. For some reason, putting a ladder in the ring with two guys, especially either of these two men, just invites an amazing amount of creativity, and free thinking. Watching any ladder match, its almost like over your shoulder is every other spot from every other ladder matches, since they’ve carved red hot lines across the skies of your mind, and yet despite how little you’d think there is to do, these guys still innovate. Still create. Still keep me coming back for more.

This match is no exception, and it’d be ridiculous to expect it to be. Here was have Jeff Hardy and Edge, the two men whose names are synonymous with the concept these days, and they’re going at it against each other. It’s the hotness. This match especially, however, stands out to me, and likely will in the future as well, because of how well it walks the line between the new ladder match and the old ladder match. The old ladder match (think TLC) is a car crash all the time. There’s never something not happening, and these things go so quickly that its just like one big crazy moment that you get sucked into, and people just kept trying to top each other all throughout the match to become the craziest bastard. The NEW ladder match (as seen in Edge/Flair, Michales/Jericho, or any Hardy/Hardy match is more slowly paced, with transitions between the big spots being carefully led up to and with an actual match surrounding them. These aren’t just spotfests anymore, they’re fully fledged matches unto themselves, and this is a great one.

Now, I’m not the most impartial party. If I’m the one being asked, however, and at the moment I am, I say that this is the perfect kind of match. Exciting, hard hitting, well wrestled, great backstory, high drama. Everything. EVERYTHING that I ever want from wrestling. Wrapped up in a tight little package.

Awesome.

87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Edge comes out FIRST. What the fucking hell. The champions really should come out last.

I miss the days when a ladder match would feature one ladder. It was a match involving said ladder, and one man had to climb up and grab the belt and, if essential or for shits and giggles, could use the ladder as a weapon. Yes, ONE ladder. Every now and then I wouldn’t mind a second ladder. You know, one of those REALLY BIG ladders for that insane ohmygodmontage spot. Or if the smaller ladder was too broken down to safely allow a wrestler to climb up. This match has around 25 ladders around the ring. It’s a cool visual and it’s kind of cool knowing that these two have an entire playground to play around in, but it’s complete overkill. And it’s what’s become of ladder matches these days. All the spots you can do with one ladder have apparently been done, so the solution is to add more ladders and make spots crazier and crazier, and more and more contrived.

I really don’t know what to say about the match, to be honest. Some things clicked, some things didn’t. Wasn’t a huge fan of how many ladders there were, as previously ranted about, but they used them pretty well, and thankfully didn’t use too many. It seemed fun and exciting, but I wasn’t too into it. Maybe I’m just tired of watching/reviewing this show. Actually, I blame Cena/Show. It was that bad. Seriously. Worse than Vickie/Santina. Not kidding.

The finish was awesome with Edge being stuck in the ladder, Hardy ripping the belt down and getting right up in his face. Edge’s reaction was absolutely perfect, and Hardy was great.

Jeff Hardy over Edge Following His Retrieval of the Title.

JEFF HARDY IS YOUR NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Post match:

Cewsh: Oh yes, babyakes, there sure as hell is a post match. If you have ANY intention of watching this show from now without spoilers, you MUST NOT READ PAST THIS POINT. Let the surprise be a surprise. You’ll be happier that way. Trust me.

Are you still reading?

I’m going to spoil it, you know. You’re going to miss out on the awesomeness.

Still time to turn back…

Alright, fuck it. Let’s do this shit!

Segment 13 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Jeff (Sad Panda) Hardy © vs. CM (Cruel Misanthrope) Punk.

Cewsh: So Jeff Hardy collapses into a corner to try to revive himself after the epic war he has engaged in, and JR climbs into the ring to conduct an interview when blickety BLAM, CM Punk’s music hits, and everybody in the building knows exactly what the deal is. The whole building goes dead quiet as a face they cheered wildly earlier comes out to pick the bones of the face they paid to see. Punk hands in the briefcase, they ref rings the bell, BOOM Go 2 Sleep on Jeff Hardy. 1…2…NEW CHAMPIO….KICKOUT by Jeff Hardy! Punk dons the single most bemused expression I have ever seen on a human being, and tries to pick Jeff up for another. As he goes to grab Hardy, though, Hardy grabs him in a roll up! Could Hardy be the first champion to stave off the Money in the Bank cashing?! 1…..2….NO! Punk kicks out, grabs Hardy, GO2 SLEEP, motherfucker. Lights out, kid. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. 1……2…..3! New motherfucking champion!

What’s his name?

Its CM Punk.

I can’t hear you.

CM PUNK.

Louder motherfuckers.

CM PUNK.

Hell yes, you shitfuckity blubbercunts, a new day has dawned, and the Lord of the Morning is here. Wake up and smell that nasty coffee.

Vice: PUNK. AHAHHAHAHAAHAHA HOLY SHIT.

Hardy finally got some payback against Edge, getting the title back which he worked for years and years and years to get in the first place and lost very quickly, and fought so hard that he can barely even stand up to celebrate and… THIIIIS FIIIIIRE BUUUUURNS!

Holy. Fucking. Shit. This was done to perfection. Hardy was goddamn amazing during the 20 second period when Punk first comes out. Collapsing as Punk’s music hits, staring at him in complete fear knowing that he’s about to have everything ripped away from him again, not being able to stand.. all of it was great. Punk was equally amazing. His smirk and his shithead attitude were top notch.

When the match starts, Punk caves Hardy’s face in with his knee. Punk thinks he has it won, so his reaction is remarkable when Hardy kicks out. Hardy then rolls Punk up and almost retains his title, which Punk reacts to perfectly. You can tell that a) he’s pissed off that Hardy still has fight in him and winning the title isn’t as easy as he thought and b) he might actually lose the damn match if he isn’t careful, which visibly makes him nervous. Punk, knowing that Hardy can still use roll-ups, decides to play it safe and keep his distance, so he kicks Hardy in the skull. Then it’s lights out. Punk drags Hardy just out of reach of the ropes and makes sure he looks the legs right. Punk was so great here, and I really can’t stress that enough. Going from arrogant shithead to pissed off to nervous and back to arrogant was all lovely.

Is Punk heel now? Well, I’m not sure. But he did do one of the most absurdly dickish things I’ve seen in wrestling in quite some time. It all depends on how it plays out. They could have him be a full blown heel by continuing his dickishness on Smackdown with that beautiful grin of his, or he could cut one of those “it’s nothing personal—I saw an opportunity and I took it, and you’d have probably done the same” kind of promos and be a dickish face/mild tweener. Who knows. Maybe WWE will let the crowd’s reactions help their booking of him.

Still though, what a dick. Amazing.

CM PUNK IS YOUR NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

———————————————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Well, I have to say that this wasn’t the greatest show in the world. It was certainly a solid show, and certainly a night with tons of surprises with several new champions crowned, and lots of controversial matches and finishes. Honestly, though, this is really a 3 match show, and even more specifically than that, it’s a one moment show. But Christ, WWE is getting good at giving us those moments, aren’t they?

Watch the good matches, don’t bother with the rest. Simple as that really. Its summertime in WWE. And that means they’ve only just begun to fight.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 65.8 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall I didn’t think much of the show. I wouldn’t say that I was let down at all, because I didn’t even know there was a PPV over the weekend until like 3 days prior. I didn’t exactly have time to hype myself or brace for impact, but the show was what it was.

For every amazing thing (PUNK!) there was a catastrophe (Show/Cena), so there was much balance in the force. However, Punk won the fucking title. That’s what matters.

Vice’s Final Score: 52 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this week boys and girls. We hope that you enjoyed our merry jaunt through the Land of Extremities, and will return to join us next Tuesday as always for the second installment of our study in pain (for us) and pointlessness (for everyone involved), with Night Two of the IWA:MS King of the Deathmatches Tournament 2009! Until then, kiddies, remember to keep reading, and, as ever, be good to each other.

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