Monthly Archives: June 2009

WWE The Bash 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE The Bash 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another installment of the NBA Jam Tournament Winning Cewsh Reviews… We, as always, have a special treat for you today, as we roll out the carpet for the WWE’s big summer spectacular, The Bash. Of course, technically Summerslam is their big summer spectacular, but we’re in the market of engendering excitement, so let’s just roll with it. We have an almost inhumanly interesting card to work with here, so we’re going to put our adorable Review Hats on (they look like penguins), and get down to business post haste.

Do people still say post haste?

Anyway, without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review.

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!



Cewsh: Pretty much what we’ve come to expect from your average WWE PPV here really, though I have to say that seeing CM Punk and Jeff Hardy’s title feud get signifigant time in this thing was a serious breath of fresh air. It’s a great feud, and has been a lot of fun, and I’m am psyched to death for that match, without doubt.

Punk/Hardy
Triple H/Orton
Jericho/Mysterio

Will this be a rehash of every show since Wrestlemania? Or will it be amazing beyond reproach? Can’t wait to find out.

Vice: “The Bash” is such a fucking retarded name. The Great American Bash was lovely, but simply “The Bash”? Come on now.

Segment 2 – ECW Heavyweight Championship – Championship Scramble Match – Tommy Dream(s of Pancakes)er © vs. Christian(s Don’t Tend To Cheat This Much) vs. Jack (Internet Markboy Of The Moment) Swagger vs. (I Don’t Think You’d Want To Step On His Lawn) Finlay vs. Mark (For Chocolate Bars) Henry.

Cewsh: Okay, the Championship Scramble basically works with two guys starting in the ring, and a new one entering every 2 minutes or so. A timer will be counting down the entire match. Whenever anyone gets a pinfall or submission, they are considered to be the current champion, and whomever is considered the champion when the time is up is, in fact, the champion. So basically its like Championship Musical Chairs set to grunts instead of the chicken dance. In the ring first to start are Christian and Jack Swagger, which is good since I’ve never EVER gotten a chance to see them wrestle before.

Ever!

Finlay Has Entered The Matchup.

Ahh, now here we have something a little more interesting. See, Finlay has been working a tweener role ever since a scuffle between Dreamer and Christian backstage wound up injuring his eye. Since then he has been in business strictly for himself and for revenege, and as a result of getting to participate in a storyline that lets him acting be a dick, Finlay is more interesting and looks more rejuevenated than he has in over a year. Some people were just born to play either faces or heels, but not both, boys and girls. Finlay is a great example of the natural heel. He has to look out, though, because the injured eye he got from that altercation has proved to be a huge target for people to exploit so far, and nobody seems to know in exactly what condition it really is coming into this match.

Anyway, he comes in breathing fire and completely knocks the shit out of both Christian and Swagger, completely dominating them for awhile and showing the youngsters what for. Unfortunately he gets distracted, though, and Swagger pokes Finlay in the eye and rolls him up, giving us our first pinfall of the match.

Jack Swagger is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

Swaggers knocks Christian out of the ring, and settles in to wait to make sure that no one else can get a win without him being able to stop it. He tries to take a breather, but the countdown to a new wrestler is ticking down…

Tommy Dreamer Has Entered The Match.

Dreamer comes out with a head of steam, as he might seeing as his title is already out of his hands. He gets the upper hand on every one for a little while, but it doesn’t last, since he’s, you know, Tommy Dreamer, and the world has to come back to reality eventually. Meanwhile, Finlay pops up out of nowhere, showing us where his son gets it from, and grabs Swagger, demolishing him with the Celtic Cross. One pinfall with his knee on Swagger’s sinus cavity later and we have another new champion.

Finlay Is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

Finlay quickly high tails it out of the ring, and lets Christian, Swagger, and Dreamer duke it out like they seem to so often. Swagger nails Dreamer with a vicious clothesline and then struggles with Christian on the top rope, as that trust wrestler countdown clock comes into focus yet again…

Mark Henry Has Entered The Match.

Now Mark Henry was the ECW champion going into the last championship scramble last year, and he wound up losing it to Matt Hardy, with he was none too pleased about, you can imagine. He’s also been pissed off for weeks because Tony Atlas keeps fucking up his matches, and, just to spark your memory, he’s a fucking giant next to anyone else in this match. So yes, the entire match just took a turn for the worse for everyone else in it.

Speaking of which, it takes Mark Henry all of 5 seconds before he enters the ring, grabs Swagger, who has Christian in the superplex position, and gives him the old Tower of Doom powerbomb spot. Unfortunately for Tommy Dreamer, however, he holds the distinction of being the only guy in the history of wrestling to actually get HIT by the Tower of Doom spot, as everyone and their mother lands on top of him in a heap. Mark Henry doesn’t waste much time in grabbing the unconscious Dreamer, lifting him up like a sack of…um…something very light, and depositing him on the mat like a goddamn bank slip. New champ? Yeah. You could say that.

Mark Henry Is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

Its also worth mentioning that at the moment that Henry entered the match, the official countdown for the match as a whole, started up at 5 minutes. So with only 5 minutes to go it seems like some trouble is a brewing for everyone in this match. So naturally with a match to win, and only 5 minutes to do it in, what’s the best course of action for everyone to take? Gang up on Henry? Go get some ice cream? Fuck no. EVERYBODY DO FLIPPES OUT ONTO THE FLOOR! Then, after everyone and their aged grandmother does this unnecessary task, Mark Henry attempts to climb the top rope, assumedly to make Tommy Dreamer INTO pancakes. Luckily for Dreamer and everyone in the front row, Swagger cuts him off and delivers a Vader Bomb to wrench the title back.

Jack Swagger Is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

Alright, now we’re down to the wire. 2:25 remaining on the clock, and things are getting hasty. Mark Henry does that flying ass crack smash he does to Swagger, and then everyone gangs up on him. Then Christian hits the Killswitch on Swagger, but Dreamer breaks it up and hits his DDT onto his alleged friend, giving Dreamer one last shot at holding on to his title.

Tommy Dreamer Is Your Current ECW Heavyweight Champion!

1:10 to go, and nobody is wasting any time. Everyone is pulling school boys and roll ups out of their hat at record pace, but since everyone else is also milling about, there isn’t enough room to keep from having it broken up. 25 seconds to go and Mark Henry reenters the fray, can the big man pull it off? 10 seconds to go, and people are literally dogpiling onto each other, desperately trying to get the job done. 5…4…3…2…1…0. Sorry kids, fat old grandpa outsmarted you all again.

God damn it.

TOMMY DREAMER IS YOUR ECW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

This was pretty tame by the standards of the Scramble matches that they have held up to this point. It was an exciting enough opener, I think, but there was very little that really stood out about it. That’s the trouble. ECW is an exciting show, with a lot of exciting young talent, but none of them (except Swagger) ever get on PPV to give it their best, because the main event always features the same 5 guys you see here. Since the beginning of the year, its gotten stale at record speed, and I really just think that since the ECW title is always the opening match anyway, that matches like this would be way better served highlighting guys like Bourne, The Hart Dynasty, and even Paul Birchill who has impressed me in recent months. Maybe the pops wouldn’t be there right away, but ECW isn’t really there to get people like Tommy Dreamer over, is it?

Ah well. Serviceable match to kick off the show, and while I would love love love love love for anyone but Dreamer to be champion, at least there are some moderately dynamic ways for them to go with the belt from here. Frankly it can go to the bottom of the ocean and rot if it means no more Dreamer being treated like a champion all of a sudden after being a pathetic jobber for years and years. It makes everyone else look ridiculous.

Bah.

65 out of 100.

Vice: Clusterfuck. Decent match. Fun opener.

Tommy wins and is the neeeeeeeeeewwwww ECW champion apparently. Scramble Rules is a decent gimmick, but I don’t like the “current champion” mumbo jumbo. Use a different term please. Ta.

Segment 3 – Edge Is Kind Of A Jerk. Did Anyone Know That?

Cewsh: We cut to the back where Teddy Long is in his office. Or the Hamburgler’s Office for all I know, really. They always show these guys just sitting in random rooms, but its not like there are ever any desks or paperwork or anything. I think that being a GM just involves sitting on a couch and watching Raw, Smackdown or ECW and ignoring people when they yell at you. Frankly, if that’s all it takes, I consider myself perfect for the job. Vince? Steph? Anyone? No?

Bah, well anyway, Edge comes storming in to somebody’s office and demands that Teddy make the title match tonight with Punk and Hardy into a triple threat match featuring, you guessed it, Edge. Predictably, Teddy Long isn’t exactly amenable to Edge’s request, and Edge threatens to get Long fired. Which seemingly he actually can do, because for some reason they’re doing an angle where Vince keeps threatening to fire Teddy Long if Teddy isn’t perfect at everything. So yeah. Edge is mean. Hence the segment header. You didn’t think that I get genius material like that out of the air, did you?

Segment 4 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – Mask Verses Title Match – Chris (God) Jericho © vs. Rey (Zebra) Mysterio.

Cewsh: Hopefully we’re looking at the end of this feud here, as there really isn’t anywhere for them to go after this. Either Rey loses his mask or he doesn’t, and that’s pretty much it. Frankly I desperately hope they don’t unmask him, as he still looks like he’s 13 and the loss of merchandise for WWE would probably be right staggering. Plus, I really want Jericho to move further up the card and mix it up above Intercontinental level. I’d like it for Mysterio as well, but Jericho’s the one who NEEDS to be higher.

Rey Mysterio is out first. At least I think its Rey Mysterio. There is an equal chance that its Grandmasta Sexay underneath the mask, as the man is clothed from head to toe in Zebra Print. However, since the man didn’t do the spoon dance to the ring (shame), I’ll go with Mysterio. Jericho is out next and we get underway. Jericho takes over right from the start, knocking Mysterio around all over the place, and whipping him brutally into the wall at ringside. He’s clearly very interested in hurting Mysterio rather than simply beating him outright as quickly as possible.

Rey Mysterio fights back like a lion, and finally takes to the sky, flying from the top turnbuckle to nail a sitting senton to Chris Jericho on the outside that damn near turned into a hurrancanrana. From there, both men went crazy, dropping every bomb on each other that they could think of. From Rey breaking out rare moves for him like Super Crazy’s Double Jump Moonsault, and the Springboard Hurracanrana, and Jericho trying to use all the mmoves that have worked for him against Mysterio in the past, like the spinning backbreaker counter to the 619 and the Liontamer counter to the hurracanrana, not to mention a nominee for the most vicious move of the year, when Jericho reversed a springboard crossbody into the Code Breaker.. These guys threw it all at each other, and I spent every second of the match completely engrossed in their actions, not typing one word, as I watched both of these tremendous performers take flight.

This is the match we all hoped for from these guys when they first started feuding months ago now. This is the match that the entire feud has been building towards. I don’t know whether they babied this match more than the others or if they had just been holding back but it was all here. The psychology, the excitement, the references to past matches that weren’t so obscure that only Puro fans would get them. Everything clicked, and everything worked, and even the announce team of Grisham and JR were in top form. The star of this match, though, was the crowd. The crowd that was chanting loudly for Jericho all through the match, right up until the tide started to swing back and forth towards the end, and you could just see the match capturing the imagination of everyone watching it. Slowly cheers started to filter Mysterio’s way, then a few more, until Mysterio’s every move was met with a roar of approval. That’s the art, boys and girls, they completely sold the crowd on this match, and had them in the palm of their hands. Then, when the crowd was at a fever pitch, and it seemed like they had nowhere left to go, the finish came.

God what a brilliant finish. As I said, this was a match that was heavy on references to past matches, to the level where it was clearly on purpose. Well all of that put the watcher in the perfect frame of mind for Jericho to try to grab Mysterio’s mask off to win like he did last time. Unfortunately for Jericho, Mysterio had a SECOND MASK ON, and while Jericho tried to process this information he got caught with the 619, springboard splashed, and that was all she wrote. The perfect ending to this feud, as Mysterio gets his redemption and Jericho finally outsmarts himself.

An amazing match, the perfect ending, and just all around a show stealing performance for both men. This is one of those matches where you know that the guys in the back who still have to go on fare calling these guys assholes, because they have to try to follow this. Well fucking done, guys. Well fucking done.

89 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: I swear, man, every time I see Mysterio he looks that much dumber. Seriously, it’s like every week/month he tries to outdo his latest retarded costume. I can’t wait to see Rey’s Wrestlemania costume, because he also tries to outdo his shitty costumes every year. Joker Rey will be insanely tough to beat, but I think he can do it. Fucking zebra.

Amazing.

I’ve liked all their previous bouts, even though some of them irritated me and just felt like rehashes of previous matches. This one is still kind of like a remix/mishmash of previous matches, but this one gets everything right and pretty much does nothing wrong. I’d definitely say this is the best match between them in this feud and possibly ever. It was fucking good.

The finish of the match was pretty goddamn awesome. Jericho goes for the mask, but Rey has a second one on. Mysterio takes Jericho completely by surprise for the win. While I dislike Mysterio winning, him winning the match in such a way is fucking spiffy. And obviously it’s for the best, ‘cause unmasking Rey would be really stupid.

Awesome match.

Rey Mysterio over Chris Jericho Following The 619.
REY MYSTERIO IS YOUR NEW WWE INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!

Segment 5 – The Raw Rebound.

Cewsh: Wait, what? What the fuck was this doing here?

Segment 6 – Why The Long Face, Teddy?

Cewsh: Get it? Because that’s, like, his name?

Yeah.

Anyway, now its Jericho’s turn to come into Grimace’s office to give Teddy Long a piece of his mind and demand a rematch against Mysterio. Teddy refuses, because he apparently decided that balls were on sale at Wall Mart today and he went ahead and bought himself a few. Long also mentioned that he will soon be celebrating 5 years as a general manager. Has it really been 5 years since they first introduced the unlikely former referee as the new GM of Smackdown? He’s always been a good one, even if you hardly remember him until he’s standing right in front of you.

Let’s remember the good times. Like when Krystal gave him a heart attack and then she got released and they never mentioned it again. That was fun times, remember? Ah memories.


Segment 7 – No Disqualification Match – Dolph (The Next Internet Markboy) Ziggler vs. The Great (A’Tuin) Khali.

Cewsh: This feud all got started when Ziggler made an open challenge to anyone on Smackdown to come out and face him and, of course, it was accepted by the Great Khali. Instead of backing down, however, Ziggler grabbed a chair and beat the ever loving shit out of Khali with it. Naturally upset over this, Khali requested a match with Ziggler, but Ziggler tricked him into getting counted out. Then, after securing another match, Ziggler won again by doing his best Eddie Guerrero impression and convincing the ref that Khali had hit him with a chair. So now Khali has secured himself a NO DQ match so that Ziggler would actually have to beat him to get away from his clutches.

I can still remember when Ziggler seemed like a huge joke to everyone. All he did was introduce himself to people in a friendly way, and it seemed like the worst gimmick imaginable. Along the way, though, something happened. Ziggler turned out to be really, really good at just about everything. Great look, great on the mic, and one of the best in ring performers of this generation of guys. He really puts me in mind of Curt Hennig in his ealier days in a really positive way that I can’t entirely put my finger on. He has it all, and its going to be really exciting to follow his rise through the ranks. He still has to get through Khali here, though.

The match starts predictably, with Khali knocking Ziggler around like a little bitch, and essentially pie facing him all around the ring. Finally, though, Ziggler starts going after the legs of Khali, and begins to have a lot of success with it, chopping the big man down and circling like a shark, while Khali tries as best he can to protect himself on one leg. Ziggler goes and grabs a chair to try to do some more damage and…

BOOM!

Fire shoots into the air at the entrance ramp, as the Big Red Monster Kane emerges from the back with evil intentions on his mind. He enters the ring (and Ziggler immediately exits it, showing off superb intelligence), and proceeds to beat Khali half to death with the chair before smirking and wandering off. Why exactly did he do this? I dunno. But as surprises go, it definitely was one. Then, exhibiting even more intelligence, Ziggler slides into the ring to take advantage and gets the pin and the victory.

Not at all the way I think anyone expected this match to go, but I’ll be fucked it it wasn’t entertaining. Ziggler played off of Khali well, and his bumping about made Khali look fantastic. This match wasn’t overly long, but it definitely got the job done, and my good feelings towards this show as a whole keep right on going.

73 out of 100.

Vice: Ziggler seems pretty alright. Khali is Khali. Kane comes back, apparently as a heel. Ziggler, even though he won, seems like a complete afterthought here. He gets a win because WWE wants to do stuff with other people, which is just lousy business. That is all.

Actually, no. Ziggler reminds me of Kurt Russell in some wacky way that I cannot explain. HE JUST FUCKING DOES, OKAY?

Dolph Ziggler over The Great Khali Following Kane’s Interference.

Segment 8 – If You Could Be A Sad Smiley In Real Life, Teddy Long Would Be.

Cewsh: Vince McMahon comes storming into Mayor McCheese’s office, and immediately does something that would piss Vice off so much that the spittle flying at the screen in his rage could power a hydroelectric plant. He stands on Long’s left, and then says, “Hold on, I’d prefer to stand over here, it makes me look bigger.” And moves to Long’s right. Yes. He changed the way he was blocked in the camera shot WHILE BEING RECORDED IN CHARACTER. So not only are the theoretically invisible cameras acknowledged as existing, but it becomes incredibly obvious that Vince knows exactly where he is on camera at all times. Yikes.

Easy Vice, easy.

Anyway, Vince was paying Teddy a visit to apologize for threatening to fire him, and to congratulate Teddy on being the longest running GM in WWE history. However, Vince then decides that Teddy hasn’t actually accomplished anything, and then threatens to fire Teddy again before leaving. Poor Teddy. He really should have taken the day off.


Segment 9 – WWE Unified Tag Team Championships – Team Future Releases (Primo and Carlito) © vs. Team Future World Champions (Ted Dibiase and Cody Rhodes) vs. Team Coolest Canadians Ever (Chris Jericho and Edge).

Cewsh: This was originally scheduled to be Carlito and Primo verses Dibiase and Rhodes, but Long came out just before the match started to make it a triple threat and find something to make Jericho and Edge finally happy (for once). As a result, this match immediately became about 7,000,000 times more interesting, and I’m incredibly intrigued to see what might come of things. When Jericho first got drafted to Smackdown, the possible pairing of he and Edge was one of the most exciting possibilities that jumped to mind and here, completely out of the blue, it has been offered to us on a silver platter. Awesome.

The story of this match is that both The Colons and Legacy realize that letting Jericho and Edge into the match is an extremely dangerous proposition, so they come to an unspoken agreement to just have the match be between themselves, and refuse to tag in either Edge or Jericho. As a result Edge and Jericho start to get more then a little bit whiny and petulant, and keep trying desperately to get into the ring. Everytime they do, though, something happens and they get tagged right back out. So the Colons and Legacy have themselves a competitive match that sticks primarily to just one half of the ring, while Jericho and Edge look on from outside.

Of course, that couldn’t last forever. Edge sneakily tags Rhodes when he gets thrown into the turnbuckles, nails a Spear on Carlito and that’s all she wrote. New tag team champions. Possibly the awesomeest tag team champions that have ever awesomely been awesome. Fucking sweet. Not only does this mean that we get Edge and Jericho as the tag team champions, but it also means that we can now, conceivably get them on every single show to do their thing. This is a very exciting time, and this has been a damn exciting show so far.

This wasn’t a match so much as a stretched out surprising moment with Edge and Jericho shocking everyone by being in this match at all. What did occur between the ropes was pretty much by the books and predictable by everyone involved. Except, of course, for Carlito. Ahem, Mr. Marlito, are you aware that when half of your moveset requires that the other guy just stand still and watch you fiddle about for long stretching seconds, that it makes that opponent look like a complete idiot? Its great that you can do flippies and whatnot, but seriously man, walking super slow so that you can do a springboard elbow where you hang in the air for 5 minutes makes Cody Rhodes look like a twat for not using any of this time to get the fuck out of the way of you stupid move. Contrived moves are fine in moderation. Please learn the concept.

Thank you.

68 out of 100.

Vice: Carlito has bored me for years and I seriously question why anyone ever thought he was going to be a huge name. He sucks, really. The addition of Primo helps a bit, but even then, he doesn’t do it for me either. I find Legacy to be quite overrated. Yep. Said it. In the future they could both be very good, but right now they’re still very young and green. I’d almost go so far as to say that they’d get tons of shit if they had different fathers. I’m sure you know where I’m going with all of this, but if you don’t.. I

Edge and Jericho get added to the match. Everyone else now looks like complete jobber nobodies. Well, more so. 😉

Edge and Jericho win, proving that everyone else, well.. sucks. It was a decent match, surely made better by the duo that is Edgicho. It’s good that Jericho and Edge are champs, but at the same time, they really did make everyone else look like shit in the process. But, if you win a title you eventually have to lose it, so hopefully they put over a good team in an equally good way. They’re simply too good for tag title nonsense these days.

Edge needs to ditch the fucking spear already, though. It’s just awful. Really really awful.

Edge and Chris Jericho over Everyone Else Following A Spear From From Edge Onto Carlito.

Segment 10 – WWE Women’s Championship – Melina (Where The Shit Did Her Skirts Go?) © vs. Michelle (Where The Shit Does Her Food Go?) McCool.

Cewsh: I know, I know. Some of you really do find Michelle McCool attractive. That’s fine. Personally I think she looks like anorexia’s wet dream, and has pretty much the most disturbing body type that I have seen on anything without humps.

These two are both fine enough wrestlers, but neither one is remotely talented enough to overcome my desire to not watch a random women’s match with no worthwhile backstory. Remember when Beth Phoenix was the champion and was having great matches? Yeah. Me too.

38 out of 100.

Vice: Why are women so vocal? Every single move they do, they’re like “Egaaaaah~!” “Grrrraaah~!” “Bwock~!”. Or do all wrestlers do this, and we only hear the women because you can hear a pin drop when they wrestle?

They also made a big deal about McCool wanting to be the first to win both female titles. Guess what? She accomplished it. SURPRISE, right? When are they going to do a storyline where someone has a dream and they don’t achieve it? That stuff helps out the person’s character so mu—oh, right. This is WWE and only like 5 people have actual characters. Nevermind.

Also, McCool wins with the Styles Clash. Bitch. 😦

Michelle McCool over Melina Following A Shitty Version of the Styles Clash.
MICHELLE McCOOL IS YOUR NEW WWE WOMEN’S CHAMPION!

Segment 11 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – CM (Coolness at Maximum) Punk © vs. Jeff (Twinkle Toes) Hardy.

Cewsh: Alright, here we go ladies and gentlemen. This is why I was foaming at the mouth to do this review in the first place. CM Punk verses Jeff Hardy for the World Heavyweight Championship. 5 years ago I would have looked at you like you were on crack had you even suggested it, and here we are today. Gives the mark in me serious goosebumps as two of the only guys I’ve ever seriously been a fan of have finally made it. Amazing.

What I wound up getting, rather than a wrestling classic or anything like that, was something entirely unexpected. See, with events having gone the way that they have since Punk cashed in the Money in the Bank on Jeff Hardy last month, I expected Punk to come out here in full on heel mode, just dicking Hardy out at every turn. That isn’t what I’m getting. Instead, Punk comes out and acts extremely casual and confident, and in other words, just acts normal, while everyone in the world seems to realize that he’s a heel now except for him. Hardy damn sure seems to realize it, and is clearly out to harm Punk and rip the title out of his hands rather than simply beat the man. I certainly can’t blame him for that. Can you?

They have themselves a really fun match which is basically a little peek through time into the future, and the fantastic matches that these two will no doubt have in the future and for years to come. The chemistry is absolutely there between them, and Punk seems to have been taking lessons on how to wrestle main event matches, because he’s got the counters and reversals and finisher attempt sequences down pat completely. I don’t know how long this match really was, but honestly, it was nowhere near what they’re capable of, and I think they did that on purpose. This battle has just begun, I think.

The ending is one of the most interesting I have seen in wrestling for a very long time. Hardy hits the Swanton and pins Punk, but Punk puts his foot under the bottom rope. The ref counts to three, but then immediately after notices Punk’s foot and reverses the decision, much to Hardy’s dismay. They restart the match and Punk goes for the GTS, but Hardy elbows him right in the eye. Claiming that he can no longer see, Punk retreats to the corner, while the ref pushes Hardy off of Punk to check on him. Then, thinking the ref was Hardy (or did he? That IS the question), Punk blasts the ref with a huge roundhouse kick. Getting himself disqualified. Punk retains the title. Hardy then Hulks Up and goes crazy on Punk, beating the shit out of him before the refs can pull him off. So what do we think, loyal readers? Did Punk get disqualified on purpose? Or did he really think the ref was Hardy?

Informal poll time!

Please respond here weighing in with your judgment. Let the Legion of Cewsh speak out.

I want more Hardy vs. Punk. Period. I want to see it so bad that WWE can just have my credit card and rack up purchases for all future PPVs that they wrestle on. More more more. However, as their first match, and more of a storyline match, than a true balls to the wall effort, I must score realistically.

79 out of 100.

Vice: PUUUUNK!

Midway through the match, Hardy starts a chant for himself. It was humorous and, well, horrendously sad at the same time.

Really awesome stuff right there.

The match, overall, was pretty underwhelming. They’ve done good work together, but this didn’t seem to have that fire that their other stuff had. It wasn’t bad or sloppy or boring or anything like that, but it wasn’t great like it probably should have been.

Good finish, but it’s not the shit they should have on PPV. Yeah, I said it. It’d be a great somethingsomething for a Smackdown match, but if this match was a good part of the reason you shelled out $40 to watch this event, then disappointed might be the understatement of the year. Still though, since I downloaded it, it was pretty damn good. Plus, Punk pulled it off so well. And in the words of Booker T, you can’t work out no eye muscle. Gotta feel for Punk here, ‘cause not only does he have a hurt eye, but Jeff attacked him. 😦

Jeff Hardy over CM Punk Following A Disqualification. Punk Retains His Title.

Segment 12 – Somebody Else’s Turn To Have A Sad Face! No Wait. Just Teddy Again.

Cewsh: Carlito and Primo storm in to Count Chocula’s office and confront Teddy about his decision to put Edge and Jericho into the tag title match. Teddy argues that he had to because of what Vince said to him earlier, but as the Colons walk off in disgust, Mr. Long is clearly very disappointed in himself.

Hey, know what I was always disappointed in? Easy bake ovens. Those shits never fucking baked anything right. I got food poisoning when I tried to make brownies in one.

No point to that, just wanted to share.

Segment 13 – John (Potential Attitude Adjuster) Cena vs. The Miz(ery of Having Once Nailed Trishelle).

Cewsh: I’m not entirely sure what to make of this match.

Since his being drafted to Raw, the Miz has made a point of calling out John Cena at every opportunity, goading him into matches when he knew Cena couldn’t, or wouldn’t, accept them, insulting the man in all number of terrible (and hilarious) ways. Cena, for his part, was embroiled in a heated feud with The Big Show, and therefore constantly found himself fighting both Show and Miz, and as a result, Cena’s anger towards Miz was set on the backburner and left to boil while he dealt with Show. After said Show feud was concluded, Cena finally got the chance to make good on Miz’s challenges, and Miz, for his part, stood right up to Cena, daring him to do his worst, and begging him to make Miz a star.

Which brings us to tonight.

Conventional wisdom would dictate that this would be an absolute squash match. Cena is the top star of our generation of professional wrestling, and The Miz is still relatively small fry in comparison. A lot of people compared this feud to the one between Goldberg and Chris Jericho in WCW, where a midcard heel riled up the top guy just for the attention. However, this feud is getting a PPV blowoff match, and that feud got blown off in a bathroom stall in Atlanta, like most of the wrestlers ideas for that company. So there aren’t really any guide maps telling us how this will or should go. Its damn sure interesting, though.

The match gets started about the way you’d expect. Cena bullies Miz all around the ring, even outwrestling the man, simply to prove the point that he doesn’t belong in the same ring with him. Finally though, Miz hits a great counter, and springs onto the offensive, going straight for Cena’s neck, and fucking him up post haste. Cena fights back, Miz does his best to survive it, a few more things happen and then the match is over.

I probably COULDN’T spoil this match for you if I tried. You already have fixed in your head, before the match even occurred, who’s hand was going to be raised here. The interesting thing is how it happened, and how much offense, that the Miz was really able to get in. Cena let Miz look like a legitimate threat to him for a solid while in this match, and win or no win, the Miz is leagues higher up the card then he was before this feud began, so I’d say it was a rousing success all around. This wasn’t a match intended to stand on it own, though. This was an Angle Match, and it showed.

71 out of 100.

Vice: Don’t know how I feel about this.

It should have just been Cena killing Miz because that’d make sense, even though I’d probably be angry about Cena squashing someone. But instead it’s the typical Cena formula where he gets squashed, hits his trademark moves and wins. Ugh. Lose-lose for me, right? In theory, Miz getting a lot of offense in on Cena would make him seem pretty credible, but even a child can beat up Cena for a few minutes. It really means nothing anymore except that you’re watching a Cena match.

However, Miz just being in the ring with Cena ups his status by quite a bit. Why? Because Cena acknowledged him and Miz gave him a run for his money. See, Miz is a confident little shit, but in the end he isn’t a big fish. John Cena, however, is a big fish. It’s almost like TNA/WWE in a way, on a much smaller scale of course. TNA has a lot of heart and keeps nibbling at the feet of WWE, occasionally taking bites. If WWE responds in any significant way, like saying “TNA” on WWE programming, or anything big like that (even if it’s massively negative), then TNA wins. No matter how badly WWE kills them, TNA is instantly that much bigger because of it. Miz lost, but he totally won. Kinda like Triple H, amirite? Oh, speaking of Triple H… he’s up next, isn’t he?

So, the match accomplished quite a bit while making me sad in a number of ways.

The Miz Over A Unicorn Following Some Ponies And Ice Cream. What The Shit Do You Think Happened?

Segment 14 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Three Stages of Hell Match – Randy (Cobra Commander) Orton © vs. Triple (G.I. Bro) H.

Cewsh: I know that A LOT of people are ready for this feud to be over. Or, more accurately, were ready for it to be over at Wrestlemania, but overall, I’ve really enjoyed the entire thing. It has played out slowly and methodically, and as a result, I feel like there’s a ton of momentum for it heading into this. When a feud this big blows off, its almost impossible for it to actually live up to the ridiculous standards that are required for the feud to actually end, and they’ve carefully crafted this thing so big for so long, that this match really has to be something special.

Assuming, of course, that this is the end. Fuck’s sake, this HAS to be the end, doesn’t it?

So we get the match started, and even though this is the heated feud to end all heated feuds, they just kind of look at each other, and then do some chain wrestling. I don’t know why exactly it is that anytime these guys are in the same building as each other they have a huge throw down brawl, but every time they’re in the same RING as each other, it suddenly becomes a headlock competition. They have their headlock fiesta for awhile, and its definitely enjoyable, even if the crowd being absolutely dead really kind of hurts it. The crowd doesn’t stay dead the whole time, though, so I assume that they’re just saving themselves for the the Stretcher match, which is really the only important fall.

Apparently, Triple H agrees with me, too, because he walks out of the ring, grabs a chair, and proceeds to bludgeon the ever loving fuckshit out of Randy Orton, and gets himself disqualified.

Randy Orton Has Won The First Fall Following A Disqualification.

At first I was entirely puzzled by his actions, even though Triple H certainly seems pleased with himself. Then I remembered back to the Brock Lesnar vs. Jurt Angle Iron Man Match, where Lesnar got himself DQed like 40 times, but softened Angle up so much that he got about 45 pins out of it. It worked a lot better there, since Lesnar had more time to recoop his costs, so to speak, but I do rather like the idea there, with Triple H taking the cost to punish Orton and put him completely off of his game. Sure enough, he pulls Orton out of the ring, and immediately Pedigrees him right on the floor. Check please.

Triple H Has Won The Second Fall Following A Pedigree.

Now the Stretcher match begins. I am not a fan of Stretcher matches in general. The idea of having to fuck up your opponent enough to put him on a stretcher is awesome, but in practice, it just leads to guys in blood feuds trying REALLY HARD to push the other guy on a sled, uphill across a line. It’s just not very intimidating, you know? At any rate, these two make a go of it, pulling out the brawling best of from their previous matches. They brawl all around thing ring and up onto the stage and I actually really enjoy this part. This is where Triple H is in his element, and Randy Orton is great at bumping around for him. They do a few of those stretcher near falls, where they hurt the guy, put him on the stretcher, and the guy is COMPLETELY UNCONSCIOUS right up until he gets near the yellow line, when his Spider Sense starts to tingle or some shit.

Then finally, Triple H manages to Pedigree Orton on the stage. The match is academic at this point…until Cody Rhodes comes out at the exact perfect moment and fights Triple H off. Triple H finally deals with him, and then goes to pull Orton past the line again, before Dibiase shows up, again at EXACTLY the last second, to stop Triple H. So then they start jumping him and beat him the fuck up, while reviving Orton, until Triple H pulls a random segment of steel off of the stage, reaches inside and finds…a sledgehammer? How the fuck did he know that that was going to be there? Did he plant it there earlier in the day? What if somebody else had found it? Then all of his plans would have been dashed. Shit, what if someone had stepped on the hole? Might have been tragic!

So with his newly acquired equalizer, Triple H disposes of Rhodes and Dibiase, and goes to take out Orton, but it backfires, as Orton kicks him right in the balls, and grabs the piece of stage that Triple H removed. BLAMMO, one shot to the face, and Orton drapes Triple H daintily over the stretcher, rolls him across and that’s your match. Then, of course, Orton stupidly poses with the title right next to Triple H, so he gets himself a sledgehammer to the face for his trouble. Smooooth, Dr. McOrton.

I really want to feel like this is going to be their last match against one another. After 6 months of almost constant feuding, now really seemed like the time. But I’m eyeing the WWE calendar, nd there’s a pay per view actually called “Hell in a Cell” coming up in a few months, and the ending to this match just wasn’t remotely conclusive enough to make me believe they won’t be heading for it. I really hope this feud does something to pick up more momentum on the way there, because as things stand right now, it really seems like they have nothing new left to do to each other.

78 out of 100.

Vice: If there’s a match I’d never like to see on paper, it is this. What’s worse, is that not only was it put on paper for me to see, but I have to watch the match actually happen. And review it. Firstly, I’m not a huge fan of the current stipulations either. These two hate each other, so I’d make the opening fall a first blood match. Then rock some no-DQ/hardcore somethingorother. To end it, I’d go with a last man standing match. That’s a good way to cap things off, since one person will be beaten down that badly. Plus it could be somewhat short since they’ve been beating the shit out of each other for a while leading up to it. But they recently had a last man standing match (I think..) and had one before, so obviously that gets ruled out. Plus is WWE anti blood now? Whatever. I think it could work.

I was impressed with the finish of the first fall, to be honest. Triple H gets himself intentionally disqualified by KILLING Orton with a chair. Shades of the Lesnar/Angle iron man match right there, which I also enjoyed quite a bit. Triple H is down by a fall now, but Orton is dead, which, naturally, is a big advantage for Hunter. And so he does hunt, killing Orton yet again with a pedigree on the floor to immediately take the second fall. So, two stages of hell are over in a little bit over 6 minutes. For that I’m a bit thankful, but at the same time, what the fuck was the point of having a three stages of hell match? I also despise the stretcher gimmick.

Triple H throws Orton on the stretcher and starts wheeling him up. Orton hops off at the last second and happily beats Triple H up a bit. Orton gets some offense in, but he seems way too “fresh”. Bailing at the last second is good because it caught Triple H off guard for sure, but Randy.. you just ate 12 chair shots (literally!) and a pedigree to the mat outside the ring. You’re supposed to be HURT.

I was genuinely surprised when Cody came out by himself to help out Orton. In the backstage segment earlier, Ted got pissed off, had a hell of a speech and ran off. So, I wasn’t really sure where this was going, but I was intrigued to see Cody taking it to Triple H. But then it’s kinda ruined when Ted comes out 5 seconds later. So, yeah, Cody’s unseen/unheard speech to him worked I guess. There goes my curiosity.

Triple H pulls a sledgehammer out of the stage. One of the dumbest, most contrived things I’ve ever fucking seen in wrestling. Seriously. He always has a sledgehammer on him, in him, or around him. Taped underneath the table for a contract signing? Awesome. Having it under the ring? Swell. Inside the panel of the ramp you just happen to be knocked out in front of? Fuck off. Absolutely retarded. Or, well, that’s a bit harsh. Triple H is just AMAZINGLY LUCKY that he stashed his sledgehammer in that particular panel and that he happened to be knocked out there. PHEW. Shame it didn’t really work out though.

The match ends in a very anticlimactic way, which is the main reason I hate the stretcher gimmick. If you kill someone and push them aaaaallllll the way up the ramp and to the finish line, then it makes sense. But it’s also anticlimactic because you totally think the person is going to jump off at the last second. Or, like in this case, the stretcher is three feet from the line, so all it takes is one quick shot and a nudge, and bam. You win. Lameasaurus Rex. And, of course, Triple H wins even in defeat. I’m really sick of him.

When did Orton become so bad? I mean, he’s been pretty bad before, but then he become super amazing. Now I seriously can’t stand him. I’m tired of his matches. I’m tired of his segments. I’m tired of his promos. I just want him to go away for a while. Same with Triple H. And why are they still having Orton/H matches? They almost always suck and almost always suck the life out of the crowd. Setup and formula-wise, they’re generally very unique and different as they try new stuff out.. but it generally fails. They’ve wrestled a bunch, too, so you can’t blame their shitty matches on being new opponents or the context of that specific match, etc.. ‘cause by now they should be great matches. This was not a great match. Not even close.

Randy Orton over Triple H Following Orton Pulling Triple H Across The Finish Line.

—————————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Ultimately, I really come away from this show thinking that it was significantly better than the rating it added up to. The entire undercard had me in a very good mood until the women’s match, which completely dragged everything else down into the dumps, and then the main event just didn’t have the oomph to get this show over the hump. This is one of those shows that I’ll remember fondly, and that i’m definitely glad I saw for Mysterio/Jericho and for all of the surprises. But it just didn’t add up to a great, great show. Shame.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 69.5 out of 100.

Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall, the show was alright. It had a fucking stellar match in Mysterio/Jericho, some solid matches here and there, a couple surprising moments, and of course, HHH pulling the sledgehammer out of the entrance ramp. There was also a lot of mediocrity and some plonkers, but they didn’t hurt the show too much. Jericho/Rey was obviously the highlight, but once again Triple H and Randy Orton end the show on a really awkward, bad note. Aside from Triple H pulling the sledgehammer out of the entrance ramp, which was so amazingly bad and hilarious and really, it might be worth the price of the PPV alone. Definitely pick this motherfucker up on DVD to see that. Or just look at this GIF I made:

Vice’s Final Score: 66 out of 100.


Well that will do it for us this week, boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed a very, VERY interesting show here, and an exorbitantly long review from us. Next week we’ll be heading back to the dangerous waters of American Independent wrestling when we take our second ever trip to Ring of Honor, with their 7th Anniversary Show from this year. We know someone who will be very happy that we’re finally getting to his request, so hopfully the rest of you will humor him even if ROH isn’t your cup of tea. Trust us, you know we’re good for it. In the meantime, remember to keep reading, and, as always, be good to one another.

TNA Slammiversary 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents….

TNA Slammiversary 2009

Welcome, cats and kittens, to yet another edition of the David Hasselhoff endorsed Cewsh Reviews… This week we’ve got a special treat for you, as the Cewsh Reviews Team gathers around the photo album and grows all misty eyed as TNA Wrestling turns 7 years old. Why it seems like just yesterday that we were welcoming it into the world, filled with speculation as to what it would turn out to be, whether it would be good looking, or whether it would be awesome at sports so that I’d never have to work again. Here we are now, seven years later, and while lots and lots has happened, its still too soon to say what TNA will grow up to be. While we’re here though, we can have a kickass party to celebrate.

Shit man, we have ice cream cake. And balloons. And a fucking horse. Yeah, man, you heard me. You can ride it and shit. I don’t even know! This is so exciting!

And without any further ado, let’s review a motherfucking review, shall we?

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Well, first we have some creepy “Happy Anniversary” music, and then it launches into a generic TNA video with lots of people doing shit very quickly, and this time it happens to be set to the worst music I have ever heard. Very disappointing effort here from TNA, since their videos tend to be some of the best in the industry. Ah well.

Segment 2 – TNA X Division Championship – King of the Mountain Match – Jay Lethal, Alex Shelley, Consequences Creed, Chris Sabin and Suicide ©.

Cewsh: Alright, for those of you who have never had the pleasure of viewing a King of the Mountain match before, allow me to explain the rules. You have 5 guys, a ladder, and a penalty box. The ultimate goal is to take the title belt and hang it up where the belt would be in a traditional ladder match. In order to be able to do this, you must pin or cause to submit one of the other participants in the match. Once they have been pinned or submitted, the loser must then spent 2 minutes in a penalty box, before they can reenter the match.

Make sense? They have to beat someone to be able to win the match, and once they do, they have to hang the belt. Its more simple than it sound when you’re watching it, trust me.

Aside from the gimmick of the match, the story behind this match is that everyone in it hates Suicide. They want him to unmask and lose the title and all that jazz, and they’ve been trying to all get a clean shot at him and find out who is really under the mask for months now. Its not the most compelling stuff, really, but it’ll do for a little X Division storyline to get these guys on the show.

Let’s go to the note format.

Cewsh Notes:

– The crowd is insanely dead, considering that the Guns are pandering to them every second of this match. Like most TNA PPVs outside of the Impact Zone, the whole thing seems eerily quiet, really.

– There is a ton of over the top celebrating going on whenever anybody punches Suicide. To be honest, it really started to grate on my nerves around the 8th time they all did touchdown celebrations following a suplex.

– There is a baseball player from Detroit doing guest commentary. It is also, apparently, his solemn duty to hold the belt until somebody comes to take it away from him. He actually isn’t terrible at commentary (better than Tenay), but he just wanders off after a few minutes and stands there looking very proud to have the least important job in professional wrestling history. Temporary belt holder. Can’t you feel the magic?

– Some cool spots in this match for sure. You’ve got Lethal getting see sawed halfway across the ring, everyone and their mother jumping off of the penalty box, and Shelley doing the Sliced Bread No. 2 onto the ring apron (nasty). In between though, there’s a TON of stalling, and general nonchalance.

– Ahahahahaha, Sabin lays down for Shelley so that Shelley can go for the title, and then immediately jumps up and tries to convince the referee that Shelley had the tights. Brilliant.

– Suicide walks across a ladder held up by the unconscious bodies of Creed and Lethal. Always holding the black man down. Tsk tsk.

– Hooray the match is over! And it barely took more time than a colonoscopy. Giving AND receiving.

You might be aware that the main event is also a King of the Mountain match. So you might expect that they might make this just an exhibition match, and leave most of the fun times with this gimmick to the main event to put some heat on it for later. Yeah, you’d be wrong. They throw everything but the kitchen sink into this match, go for over 30 fucking minutes, and do everything with the gimmick that there really is to do. Jumping off of the penalty box, all 5 guys becoming eligible to win, all sorts of ladder spots. What the shit, I ask you, is left for the less athletic people in the main event to do with this match?

It doesn’t make a ton of fucking sense to me, but at least the guys here busted their asses to have the best match they could. They tried their best to steal the show, and maybe they did. If they did steal the show, though, they stole it from all of us.

53 out of 100.

Vice: If there’s one super obvious thing about this match, it’s that nobody in it likes Suicide. Throughout a good portion of the match, it’s seriously four on one. The Guns and Consequences work together, beat the shit out of Suicide and all celebrate. At one point, when Suicide gets pinned, all four men literally dance around the ring in victory, letting Suicide just watch from the penalty box. Speaking of the penalty box, this is indeed a King of the Mountain match, and I don’t like that.

The problem is that it takes away from the main event. Not only because it’s the same gimmick, but because the match includes people that are much more mobile, agile, faster and have the ability to do a ton of ridiculous shit. Not only that, but these guys got like 20-25 minutes to work with. If it was a quick 9 minute match or something, then they could have a short little fun match, not use up all the unique spots, and not make the main event seem like a borefest by comparison.

And seriously, TNA should not be running this match type twice in one night. Yeah, it pisses me off that WWE does two elimination chambers on one show every year too. No, I wouldn’t want them doing two Royal Rumbles either. TNA’s problem is that they just can’t make the main event super special. I enjoyed them making the X title on the same level as the TNA title back in the day when the X division was being dominated by the Tremendous Three in AJ, Daniels and Joe. But that’s motherfuckin’ AJ Styles who was a former multi-time NWA-TNA champion, Daniels could be a huge name/champion, and Joe was Joe. The X title seriously could have been THE title and I don’t think anyone would have batted an eye. Is anyone demanding that Suicide be TNA champion? No. Lethal? Creed? No. The Guns? No. Just no. That is the difference.

This match had a lot of fun stuff in it. Sabin sitting in the chair and jumping off it when he realized that Lethal was about to send Suicide’s head straight into it. Shelley pinning the willing Sabin, then Sabin jumping around yelling at the referee because Shelley was holding the tights. Random X stuff. Super catapult of death. You know how it is.

It was a good fun match, but did more damage than necessary. From a mark/fan’s perspective, this night is off to a lovely start and I have high hopes for the rest of the card. From my perspective, I’m somewhat afraid of what is ahead of me.

Suicide retains. Why, I’m not sure. Where they’re going with him, I’m also not sure of. Who he is, I’m not sure. What day it is, I honestly don’t know. How birds fly, I wish I knew.

Suicide over Everybody Following His Hanging Of the Title Belt.

Segment 3 – Shane Douglas Found the Fountain of Youth.

Cewsh: But he decided against using it, and instead drank from the fountain of aging pervert.

Its less popular than the Fountain of Youth, but no less effective.

He apparently dislikes Christopher Daniels and wants his roster spot. That’s nice. I would murder children if it would prevent that from happening. As my potential homicidal acts have little effect on shows that have already ended, however, the lovely children of the world are safe.

For now. BWAHAHAHAHAHA.

Segment 4 – Loser Leaves TNA Match – Shane (Potential Manager of a Burger King FRANCHISE) Douglas vs. Christopher (Please Don’t Leave, Please Don’t Leave, Please Don’t Leave) Daniels.

Cewsh: The loser of this match has to leave TNA, and the winner gets to stay on the roster. As a result of that stipulation, I find myself more invested in one man winning a particular match than possibly any other match in the history of TNA. The idea that the superawesome Christopher Daniels may leave, to make room for the superirrelevant Shane Douglas makes me queasy inside. I have no doubt that if Daniels loses (and he will, nothing else makes any sense), it will be part of a bigger storyline or something, which result in him not actually being gone, but still, the very idea disgusts me.

I would like to say that that disgust resulted in me booing Douglas and him being a better heel, but he really wasn’t. The fact is that he is hard to buy as a threat anymore, and it feels like Daniels is lowering himself to even have this match. And instead of portraying someone who hasn’t wrestled in years, Douglas just shows up and starts throwing all of his old Franchise offense. Of course it looks terrible, because he’s up there in years now, and because there’s no heat on any of it. Shane Douglas’ glory years occurred when I was in middle school. Think about that. Middle school. Was it really the best idea to bring him in now and require that people suddenly recognize him as a big name wrestler again? Out of nowhere? It just doesn’t work for me.

And where the FUCK is Bobby Lashley?

Anyway, this match is pretty much a by the numbers affair. Daniels leads Douglas along, and Douglas does his best to keep up, but that’s really all Douglas brought. You’d ordinarily expect some kind of cockiness on display from the man, or at least some crowd work, but he just quietly and methodically did some suplexes and armbars until it was time for the match to be over. It really struck me as strange, like he was just concentrating everything he had on not fucking up. Didn’t exactly make for a barnburner match, but in their defense, there wasn’t much wrong with it either. It was just sort of there.

So wait, they brought in Douglas, a guy who hasn’t been relevant since the 90s, asked us to view him as a credible threat to a top wrestler in TNA, and then jobbed him out of the company without even giving him a single victory to build him up?

There has to be a bigger storyline at work here. Even TNA wouldn’t go to these lengths just for one match that nobody in their right mind had actually wanted.

66 out of 100.

Vice: All I can say is.. thank motherfucking fuck that fucking Daniels won.

Oh, and Douglas is fat, horrendously out of shape, awful and really should go back to working at Target. I like him, but it’s just sad seeing him like this.

Christopher Daniels over Shane Douglas Following The Best Moonsault Ever.

Segment 5 – Mick Foley Is Insane.

Cewsh: I can’t help but respect Foley for his commitment to his character these days. He does a very good job of capably portraying a crazy bastard, and he pulls it off in brilliant little ways. The little things, like the way he rationalizes everything that happens to make himself seem like the hero, no matter what he had just finished doing to himself or others. I also respect just how over the top he is willing to go to get his angles over.

Unfortunately, though, his schtick is starting the wear a little thin with me. The feud between he and Jarrett has been running for months now, and it didn’t have a great deal of oomph behind it out of the starting gate anyhow. As a result, Foley’s shenanigans are becoming repetitive, and its kind of a huge waste of this character that he created.

All that said though? More champions should sing little songs about their belts. Because that shit is awesome. Mick does INDEED have the World title, in his hands. Yes, the World title in his hands.

Segment 6 – TNA Knockout Championship – Angelina Love(s Hotpants) © vs. (Vic)Tar(i)a.

Vice: Madison Rayne is the most obvious third wheel in the history of wrestling. Everything about her seems so forced, so tacked on, so.. unnatural. And bad. Angelina Love continues her descent into looking like more and more like an alien plant. Velvet Sky still gives me a boner every time she enters the ring. Actually, that’s a lie. I get a boner in anticipation of her getting in the ring. Who’s left? Oh yeah. Vic-fucking-toria. I love her to death, I really do. Not sure why her name is simply “Tara”, but I’ve always loved that name. It’s great to see her motivated and having a great time out in the ring again. She’s not the best women’s wrestler in the world at this point, but she’s still awesome to have around. Now she just needs to get in the ring with Daffers. The touching, the slamming, the slapping, the grabbing of asses for slams, the hooking of legs together, pulling of the hair…

Aaaaand we’re back!

The match wasn’t very good. Just sort of there. Above average for the women, but that’s not saying a heck of a lot due to just how average average is. Still good to see Victaraia.

Cewsh: To be honest, Victoria has never really floated my proverbial boat. She’s always been a solid wrestler, and her Widow’s Peak was the only over finisher in women’s wrestling for a long time (and probably still is), but she’s always been a really awkward face, and her heel work was always tremendously over the top and hard to get into for me. Not a knock on her or anything, especially since she’s on the short list of American women’s wrestlers whose body of work is worth respecting. I just wasn’t hugely excited to see her show up in TNA.

They probably couldn’t have done a much better job bringing her in when they did, though, because Angelina Love is a fantastic choice to face her in a title feud. Love gets better in the ring every time I see her, and she’s become really comfortable in her heel character. I do still think very highly indeed of the Beautiful People these days, even if Madison Rayne is such an afterthought in the group that I almost feel sorry for her, having to stand next to the other two.

Oddly enough, given my history, I really don’t have anything bad to say about this match. I know I usually rail on about how women’s wrestling is awful, and I hate it, but the fact is that if American women could more often put together coherent matches like this one, I really wouldn’t have anything bad to say. There were some botches by Love, as she clearly tried to gain her bearing, but Tara especially looked like she was really out to prove something, and she showed that she really still has what it takes to get it done in the ring. I have nothing but respect for that, and I truly hope that we get to see a match between these two again.

70 out of 100.

Angelina Love over Tara Following The Makeover.

Segment 7 – Lauren Interviews Steven Richards In a Meat Freezer.

Cewsh: Actually it appears to be a janitors closet of some kind that they have chosen to light through an aquarium. All the same really, as Richards, Raven and Daffney bully her around, and yell about beating up Abyss. The Raven steps forth out of the broom cupboard and delivers a promo, that leaves me grasping for an explanation. At various points during his promo he is brilliantly subtle, and comedically over the top. Deadly serious, and giddily pandering. And he end the thing by crying and having a group hug with Stevie Richards. I’m not entirely sure what to make of it, honestly. I want to think that it was really good, but it was just so not Raven at all, that it took me aback.

Raven depending on Stevie Richards? In this universe?

Segment 8 – Monster’s Ball Match – Team Faces That Should Be Heels (Abyss and Taylor Wilde) vs. Team Hot Topic (Raven and Daffney).

Cewsh: You know how sometimes you’ll see a match where there are SO many spots, SO much carnage, and SO many near falls, that it just sort of collapses as a wrestling match, and simply becomes a spectacle on its own? Those special times where your conscious brain is telling you that a match really sucks and doesn’t even pretend to care, but you can’t help but enjoy yourself watching it anyway? Hardcore Title era WWE was like that sometimes, and TNA has captured it in a bottle to display to the grandkids here tonight.

This is not a good match. There are botches galore, the pacing is all wrong, everyone constantly seemed out of place, and of the participants, only Abyss has had a truly great match at any point within the last 5 years, and its rare for him. So yeah, this looked like a mess on paper, and a mess is exactly what we got. The thing is, though, that I couldn’t bring myself to mind, just because it was an ENTERTAINING mess. The wacky, contrived spots were interesting and fun to watch, the ending was entirely unexpected, and pretty much everyone performed far and above their usual abilities in order to make this a watchable car crash.

Especially worthy of praise is Miss Wilde, who not only displayed an unexpected talent for hardcore wrestling, but who actually was the glue that held this match together. She looked like a complete badass out there, and I’ll give her a ton of credit for doing so, as she had been the element of this match I was most concerned about fitting in. She did great, Abyss was himself in every way, Raven looked like he had never left, and Daffney played her character to perfection, effectively defying her limitations in the ring.

I do have to warn you, however, if you choose to watch this match, that an event occurs within it that was so traumatic to Vice that I could hear his agonized screams from over 400 miles away. His dear, dears Daffers took the plunge onto thumbtacks. Oh yes. Not just a half assed plunge either, she took a damn spinebuster right onto those damn things, and got fucked the hell up. Nothing but respect for her for being willing to take that bump, and I credit it as being the highlight of the match, story wise, but if you aren’t a big fan of women having thumbtacks sticking out of their necks, or share Vice’s soul clenching love for Daffney, then don’t watch this. You will be doing yourself a service.

73 out of 100.

Vice: Taylor Wilde seems to have taken my advice from my last TNA review. You know, the one where she danced to the ring to her hardcore monster’s ball match with a giant smile on her face. She didn’t seem so bloody fucking happy this time, which is nice to see.

Why am I talking about Taylor Wilde in a match that features Daffers? She seriously melts my heart. Even if she’s just standing around the ring, I get all warm and tingly inside. I love her. I’d write her a poem if only I knew a word that rhymed with Daffers. I’m sure there’s some obvious word that simply isn’t on my mind, but seriously, if I think of a word or if someone alerts me to such a word, I will write her a poem.

Aha! Gaffers! I will write her a poem later. Because I love her and she is mine. Yes, MINE.

Tempest alerted me that Daffers took a thumbtack bump. I honestly pondered boycotting this show because THE LOVE OF MY LIFE WAS THROWN ONTO THUMBTACKS. In fact, when watching, I paused just before she was thrown into them. I sat there for a good five minutes or so, just pondering if I could witness such an atrocity. Eventually I decided that I did need to see her take the vile bump, and it gave me pain in my heart watching it. I covered my mouth with my hand as my eyes got all big and buggy. With a tear nearly being shed, I realized how sad a sad person could be.

Then she started screaming and I was REALLY turned on.

In all seriousness, everyone should fucking respect Daffney for taking such a bump. Yeah, it’s probably stupid. Yeah, it probably was completely unnecessary. But, a woman took a tack bump for fuck sake. That’s dedication, passion, courage, insanity… all of that.

The match itself wasn’t anything great. It was “fun”, but nothing beyond that.

Abyss and Taylor Wilde over Raven and Daffney Following A Black Hole Slam On The Tacks To Raven.

Segment 9 – Jeff Jarrett Doesn’t Like Mick Foley.

Cewsh: Is there something in the water around here? Bunch of meany faces.


Segment 10 – Winner Gets a Spot In The Main Event Mafia – Sting(s To Know That He’ll Be In The Title Hunt Again Soon) vs. Matt (Sting To Know That He WON’T) Morgan.

Vice: This is a match I don’t care about in the slightest. You have a young athletic monster against a slow old man who has lost more hair than the Brooklyn Brawler has lost matches.

Fuck it. I’m not reviewing this match.

Had a cool finish though.

Cewsh: So Matt Morgan, after dwelling nonsensically in the midcard for the longest time, finally decided that he wanted to join the Main Event Mafia and get his due. He pestered everyone about it for a few weeks, and when Sting won the leadership of the Mafia, he took his request to Sting, and after interfering in one of Sting’s matches, Sting said that Morgan could have his (Sting’s) spot in the faction if he could beat him in a match. So here we are, with Matt Morgan finally getting his much deserved crack at the upper reaches of the card, and Sting actually giving back and putting over an up and comer.

And putting over is exactly what he did.

Matt Morgan spent 97% of this match beating Sting into oblivion. He kicked out of the Scorpion Deathdrop on 1, he powered out of the Scorpion Deathlock almost effortlessly, and he had Sting on the ropes this whole match and just generally locked like an enormous badass who was dangerous as all hell. Sting, for his part, took a hell of a beating, and in between served up some offense we haven’t see from him in this millennium. He looked like at some points he was trying to do some things that his body just wasn’t capable of doing anymore (the botched reversal of the Hellevator springs to mind), but the things he did do were picture perfect and spot on.

I have to say that I was really impressed with Sting, as I usually am when they book him out of the main event for 5 minutes in a row. The man still has a ton to offer, especially to an up and comer like Matt Morgan, and whenever he pulls out a performance like this, I’m reminded why everyone thought he was so damn good in the first place. I am prepared to give him the title of Best Professional Wrestler Over The Age of 50. And honestly, I might be willing to go lower with the same claim.

Great little match, did exactly what it was supposed to, and will stick in my mind, most likely, as the best part of this show.

79 out of 100.

Sting over Matt Morgan Following A Top Rope Scorpion Death Drop.

Segment 11 – Samoa Joe and AJ Styles Are Going To Work Together As A Team.

Cewsh: Good luck with that AJ. Good luck with that.

Segment 12 – TNA World Heavyweight Championships – Team 3D (Traveling At 3 Donuts Per Hour.) © vs. (I Heart) Beer Money Inc.

Vice: Aaaah yeeeeeeeeesssssssssss. Beer Money vs. Team 3D XCVIII (or 98 if you aren’t awesome enough to count that high in roman numerals). These guys have battled at least that many times, if not even more. These two teams basically ARE the tag division, it seems. Yeah, the Guns, Lethal Consequences and some other teams here and there show up every now and then, but it really is basically Team 3D and Beer Money.

The good:
-These teams have fairly good chemistry and put on good matches

-One team is, on paper, one of the best ever and pretty goddamn legendary

-The other team is comprised of two future stars

The bad:
-The matches are good, but they’re practically all the same match just
remixed a bit

-No one in this match needs this win

The ugly:
-Team 3D

The match was good fun and I enjoyed it, but I’ve seen it before. 97 times. Also, I’m glad Team 3D finally put over that upcoming tag team that desperately needed to break the glass ceiling in TNA and win the tag titles for the first time! Yay for making stars out of a group of nobodies! I mean, that’s what the whole tag team invitational tournament thing was for, right? To put over a new team?

Cewsh: So Beer Money sort of turned face for awhile last month, but it turns out that they were just fooling and are really still big heels who hate Team 3D, which for some reason managed to take Team 3D by surprise. For all of their experience, man, they sure are gullible. Anyway, Beer Money won the whole Tag Team Invitational Tournament, and got themselves this title shot here, and its pretty much their last shot for the time being if they can’t win.

This match was boring. B-O-R-I-N-G. If you’ve seen one Team 3D match, you seriously have seen all of them, and especially since they haven’t altered their characters one whit since roughly the last time Shane Douglas was relevant. Here they wrestle Beer Money for what feels like the 700th time, and there just isn’t any heat or excitement on the match for me. Why do I care? Because Beer Money hurt Team 3D’s feelings? Because Beer Money broke off the epic Bromance that had been developing? Are we seriously having a tag team title feud based on bromance? Fuck’s sake, man.

This match is long, and not a ton happens in it, and, full disclosure here, I fell asleep in the middle of it and had to rewind to see what I had missed. I don’t know if you want to pin that on me being tired or what, but its worth keeping in mind if you should choose to seek this match out. After awhile (a long while) The British Invasion show up and cause trouble for Team 3D, resulting in the lone highlight of this match, which was Don West talking in the single worst British accent in the history of the world. Heel Don West is so awesome, its ridiculous to consider how long people spent begging for him to be fired.

Anyway, some other stuff happened, including Bubba Ray almost breaking Rob Terry’s neck by jumping off the top rope to the outside on top of him. I’ll admit, I was kind of hoping for that cartoon side effect where Terry would sit up, and be laying in a hole in the ground exactly his shape and size. Alas, humor is dead.

60 out of 100.

Beer Money over Team 3D Following the DWI.

BEER MONEY INC. ARE YOUR NEW TNA WORLD TAG TEAM CHAMPIONS!

Segment 13 – Kurt Angle Has A Beard!

Cewsh: And stubble on his head! Holy shit! He doesn’t look like a penis wearing an American flag for the first time in years! Dude!

Also, Angle wants the title, and wants to beat up Samoa Joe.

HAIR!

Segment 14 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – King of the Mountain Match – AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, Kurt Angle, Jeff Jarrett, and Mick Foley ©.

Cewsh Notes:

– So we already had a King of the Mountain match earlier tonight, and they choose to explain the rules NOW? Guess we’re supposed to ignore the first one.

– KURT ANGLE HAS HAIR!

– The little lead ups that they do as each man is on the way to the ring are so fucking cool. I love that shit. It makes the main event seem so incredibly epic, and makes it feel like a huge fight.

– Kurt has really trimmed down. Between that and his hair, he almost looks like an entirely different person. An awesomer one.

– Ahahaha, Angle comes out wearing a Sidney Crosby jersey. What a pimp. Take that Detroit.

– Sigh. They had this big huge epic build up to this match going on, and then absolutely ruined it. Samoa Joe put on a Detroit Red Wings jersey and attacked Kurt Angle, choking him out. As a result the referees decide that Joe has to start the match in the penalty box and Angle is automatically eligible to win the match at any time. WHAT. THE. SHIT. I get that pandering to live crowds is important and all, but to diffuse this great tension that you have created with something so ridiculous and out of character for Joe is just mind numbing. Fuck.

– Mick Foley lets Jeff Jarrett pin him and then demands that he be put in the penalty box. Apparently, he’s certain that he and Jarrett are on the same team, which is clearly news to Jeff.

– Joe chokes out Foley, and Foley sells it by sticking his tongue out and wheezing. Hilarious.

– Where the shit is Styles? He’s been out of the ring since the beginning of the match.

– Ahaha, oh there he is. Springboarding all over the place.

– Oh my fucking god. Let me document the events that just occurred. First, Mick climbs up on top of the penalty box. Then Styles follows him up there, and Foley teases superplexing him all the way into the ring. Styles blocks it and teases superplexing Foley through the announce table, but instead Foley just throws Styles back into the ring, and then FOLEY ELBOW DROPS KURT ANGLE. From off the penalty box! Or, for reference sake, from off the top of one of Jeff Hardy’s batshit crazy ladders. What a crazy bastard!

– Christ, Foley has been bumping around like a madman all match.

– AJ gets within INCHES before getting powerbombed directly on top of his head by Joe. I told you trusting him was a bad idea!

– Joe grabs the belt! He’s climbing alongside Angle! What is going to happen?!

Warning. Do not read any further if you in any way enjoy being surprised and have managed to keep this from being spoiled for you to this point. Seriously. You have been warned.

– Samoa Joe HANDS THE BELT TO ANGLE who hangs it up to win the title. They hug and shake hands! Samoa Joe has joined the Main Event Mafia! The guy whispering his ear was Kurt Angle all along! Samoa Joe has finally come full circle and turned full heel at last. The ultimate deception has been carried out by the Main Event Mafia and Kurt Angle is your NEW TNA World Heavyweight Champion!

Man oh man, what a spectacle. These guys really went out of their way and provided one hell of a match for us to watch here. I thought the X Division guys ruined this gimmick earlier in the night, but these 5 guys made those 5 look like complete amateurs. High spots, and big moves, and a white hot storyline for an ending, this is exactly what TNA looks like when they get their formula right and pull it off the way that they mean to. This match, and the way it ended have me so enraptured that I’m practically throwing my wallet at the screen asking for more. Well fucking done, TNA. I am completely blown away and pleased with one of your main events. Please god keep this momentum going and make this work. Please?

87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: It’s crazy to think that Kurt Angle has only been wrestling professionally for 10 years. It just seems so much longer than that, especially considering how truly great he is/was/can be. When TNA put up the Tale of the Tape for the main event, Jarrett and Foley both clocked in at 23 years. AJ and Angle clocked in at 10. Joe clocked in at 9. So Angle, AJ and Joe have all been wrestling for about the same length of time, yet Kurt Angle seems like some ridiculous veteran while Joe and AJ are just the cream of the crop in terms of indy wrestlers. I dunno, it probably doesn’t seem crazy to anyone else, but it was a definite “huh…” moment for me. Fuck off, alright? Also, Kurt seriously gives me Randy Couture vibes. It’s very different and I’m totally not used to it at all, but I also fucking love it at the same time. It’s something he really needs right now.

The match itself was a typical King of the Mountain match, in that it was a good and fun mess, but nothing really beyond that. The talking point of this match is obviously not the match itself, but the result, how it came about, and the entire world wondering just who came up with that idea.

Joe comes back as a scary monster and threatens Scott Steiner’s life. Literally. He actually takes a giant hunting knife/blade/SWORD to his throat one night, and then it’s implied that Joe has actually, in fact, killed Scott Steiner. Live on PPV, of course. Then Joe makes it his quest to hunt down the rest of the Main Event Mafia. Finally getting his shot at the gold, with belt in his hand and a number of steps up the ladder, he.. simply.. hands.. Angle.. the belt..? And the rest of the Main Event Mafia comes out to clap as Angle hugs Joe? Joe joins the Main Event Mafia?

This is where I’m incredibly torn about this “swerve”. Right when it happened, it made absolutely zero sense and I honestly wanted to spit on my monitor and vow to never watch TNA again because this was the dumbest thing they could have possibly done. Yeah. It was that fucking retarded. They’ve done a lot of stupid stuff, but have recovered well enough, but that’s the problem– they are very good at bouncing back and brushing something awful under the carpet; so good that they don’t ever LEARN from their mistakes enough to not make them again. They know that if they completely fuck up, they can fix everything back up very quickly. It’d be best if they just avoided making huge mistakes, ya know? However, after watching this match again and giving the “swerve” time to digest, and spending a lot of time thinking about the entire angle..

Well..

I’m almost tempted to call it brilliant. Legitimately brilliant.

Before you go callin’ me crazy and stuff, hear me out. You know how Joe getting destroyed and coming back was kind of REALLY awkward? And him “killing” Steiner didn’t really play out too well? And how the worst of the worst that Joe did was almost always off camera? And how there were 90,000 inconsistencies in the storyline leading up to this show? Stuff that even in my heyday as a giant fan I could not explain properly? Bam, motherfuckers. Seriously– go back. If you put all the little pieces together, this actually seems like it was built from day fucking one. This isn’t just some “lol have Joe swerve the fans for no reason cause they’ll never see it comin” booking that everyone pegs Russo with. If this was intentional, I seriously tip my hat to TNA for doing something pretty goddamn amazing. However, it could have just been a total mess of booking over the past few months followed by a ridiculous swerve for no reason, and everything falling into place was a complete accident.. which is most likely the reality.. but I’m giving them the benefit of the doubt here.

I’m very interested in tuning into the next Impact. Fuck, I might actually avoid the spoilers and watch it on television. From a quick list I made in my head, there are 6 “quick” directions they can take this angle in. 4 of those would turn me off TNA for a while. 1 of them would make me smile and possibly even tune in the following week. The final one would actually make me applaud, so I’m guessing that’s not what’s going to happen. I’m not going to get my hopes up, but right now I’m actually very impressed with TNA.

Kurt Angle over Everyone Else Following Him Hanging The Title Belt.

KURT ANGLE IS YOUR NEW TNA WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

——————————————-

Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Well, up until the main event, I was going to come here and say that this show was same ol’, same ol’ for TNA. Mediocre undercard, and then the much hyped main event which is utterly disappointing. The thing, though, is that the main event wasn’t disappointing in the slightest. In fact, it was fucking awesome, and as a result the entire show seems better as a whole. Its amazing how a great main event can make everything else seem better, but I think I’m going to remember this as a really good show, even if the individual ratings say otherwise. It wasn’t perfect, but what ever is?

Cewsh’s Final Score: 69.7 out of 100.
Vice’s Analysis:

Vice: A lot of the same shit I’ve come to expect from TNA, really. This PPV went a bit above and beyond their usual fare, which is good considering it’s one of their big shows. I’m left with an unusually small amount of disgust and a large amount of legitimate intrigue. It wasn’t a great PPV, but it did its job and I will tune into Impact. I know I’m being super hopeful, but TNA could get REALLY awesome soon. And fuck, if they’re going to Awesomeville, I want to be on the first bus there.

Vice’s Final Score: 68 out of 100.

And, in a new feature, here is a video of the show. It was made by TNA themselves, not us, and it is FULL of spoilers. If you don’t mind every match being spoiled, and are on the fence about seeing the show, maybe this will help out.

Again, SPOILER ALERT, motherfuckers!

That’ll do it for another edition of Cewsh Reviews boys and girls. We hope you enjoyed our review of a show that wasn’t soul crushingly awful, and we’ve got to admit that it’s a relief to review a show that is not only decent, but interesting and relevant as well. Next week will be no different as we bring you WWE’s The Bash PPV, which should be exciting, or, at the very least, an opportunity for us to mark out for a PPV main evented by CM Punk (SQUEE!). Until then, kiddos, be sure to keep reading, and be good to one another.

WWE Extreme Rules 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE EXTREME RULES 2009

Welcome cats and kittens, to another stirring edition of the John F. Weinbrom Award winning Cewsh Reviews… Today we will be covering something so EXTREME that its EXTREMITIES may be EXTREMELY cold. We did leave the air conditioning on all night, and frankly all of our EXTREMITIES are EXTREMELY EXTREME at the moment. Wait, did I just substitute the word EXTREME for an unrelated noun? Dude, that’s fucking EXTREME.

Ahead, at any rate, today our offering to the Cewsh Reviews’ ever growing fanbase of derelicts and people wasting valuable work hours is WWE Extreme Rules 2009! Every match has a gimmick, and many of the matches are very similar to the ones held at Judgment Day just a month ago. Will that make the matches familiar and well worked? Or repetitive and lacking drama? I guess there is one way to know for sure. Only one though.

Without any further ado, let’s do a motherfucking review, shall we?

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: You know, for a show that doesn’t look super exciting on paper, the WWE production crew certainly makes it seem like Wrestlemania anyway, don’t they? I mean, I know I give verbal (just verbal for now) blowjobs to the full production staff at WWE seemingly every month, but they just bring their A game month in and month out. This time the Epic Voice Lady drops some knowledge on us about the kind of show we’ll see tonight (I hear it’ll be EXTREME), and they hype up Orton vs. Batista, Show vs. Cena, and Hardy vs. Edge very well. Of course, that’s all they bother to feature, which kind of shows exactly how important this undercard is in the general scheme of things, but this is the summer time and we all know that summer time is a transition time for WWE. So let’s roooooooll with it.

Think Epic Voice Lady can be hired for phone sex? Just curious.

Vice: Ack when WWE recently started the epic opening videos, I thought it was pretty cool. They were different and that was cool. I can’t even remember the last WWE PPV that didn’t have this epic narration. They’re all the same now, too. They’re pretty much just TNA opening videos now, but with a woman instead of the awesomely epic black guy in a dashiki. I’m not surprised though, ‘cause when something works in WWE, it’s usually followed by far too much of it.

While I’m bitching, I may as well get this out of my system: “Extreme Rules” is a fucking awful name for a PPV, and the only way it could be any worse was if it was “Xtreme Rulez”, which it thankfully is not. But still, it’s awful.

Shane: So, we need to ditch the One Night Stand name for the upcoming PPV, and we need something new. It’s going to be the same layout though—every match is going to be Extreme Rules. So, what should it be called?

Extreme rules?

Shane: Yeah, you know the matches where anythi—

Vince: As I said before, my intelligently challenged spawn of my semen…

EXTREME RULES?

EXTREME RULES!!!!!

Shane: You want it to be called “Extreme Rules”? Isn’t that a little bit, I dunno, fucking stupid?

OOOOOHOOOOOOO rub his nose in good!

But hey, at least they aren’t doing another One Night Stand again. ‘Cause, you know, it’d defeat the purpose of the name “One Night Stand” to have a second one. Oh, I mean fifth. I’m glad they realized their idiocy by year five. They couldn’t have given it any other name though? Maybe they should give that rumored upcoming submission-only PPV a fantastically creative name like “Submissions”. Brilliant, right!?

They honestly couldn’t have come up with a better name than Extreme Rules?????

Fuck.

Segment 2 – WWE United States Championship – Kofi (Sold Me…..I Mean My Friend….Weed Once) Kingston © vs. William (Taking His Yearly Vacation From Being On Vacation) Regal vs. M(F)att Hardy vs. M (Moaning) V (Voluptuous) P (Panda).

Cewsh: First of all, let me say that the set is fucking rad tonight. It’s a huge x with video screens on all sides, and it just looks huge, and cool, and impressive.

Second of all, some background on this match. See Kofi and MVP have been having a friendly revialry for the past few weeks, culminating in Kofi beating MVP for the United States championship. MVP showed him respect and they shook hands, but they’ve both been dealing with Regal and Hardy’s interference, as the two try to convince Vickie Guerrero to give them United States championship matches for the help they gave her in beating up Santino.

Still with me? Alright good.

This match is pretty much the perfect picture of an opening match. It wasn’t an amazing match or anything, and I seriously doubt that it will upstage anything else that will happen on the show, but it will simply add to the overall quality of the show. It was fast paced, it featured great undercarder, including two great up and comers, and another two fantastic veteran guys, and they just went for it, and fired up the fans for the rest of the night. Everybody comes out of the match looking stronger than when they went in, and I’m psyched for more wrestling. Can’t ask for more than that.

Seriously, though, of the four men in this ring, its Kofi Kingston who winds up looking like the guy with real tangible potential. MVP is over like gangbusters without a doubt, and is certainly speeding up the ladder on his way to stardom, but whenever the camera was on all four men, I was watching Kingston, and I found my eyes wandering searching for Kingston even when he wasn’t on screen. He just has a presence about him, that intangible “it” factor, I think, that makes him not only exciting to watch, but NECCESARY to watch. I’m verrrry interested to see where Mr. Kingston’s career takes him. Cewsh Reviews will be watching Kofi. We’ll be waaaaaaaaaatching.

I always feel like,
Somebody’s watchin’ meeeeeee.

Also, how the fuck does Kofi do that fucking head thing, where he bounces back on the ropes?

That’s like some voodoo magic shit, man.


74 out of 100.

Vice: And just to show off just how brutal and punishing this show is going to be, they kick it off with.. a normal match. Well, a FATAL fourway. So, I may as well discuss the participants..

Kofi – Awesome. He gets better every time I see him, and he seems like a guy that’ll hang around the midcard for a while and be awesome. And I mean that in a good way. There’s nothing wrong with being a staple of the midcard. There are only a few coveted places in the main event, and the midcard is absolutely necessary to put on an overall good show.

Regal – Amazing. That’s all there is to it.

Matt Hardy – He needs new music and badly. He’s supposed to be a dirty heel, right? Then why is he still rocking his face music? At least remix it or something. It really goes against his character, look and feel these days. And seriously, why does he have keys on his pants?

MVP – I like him, but he’s better as a heel. I’m going to get shit for this, but he seriously has one of the worst looks in WWE. The nose tape, headband, all the bling and the ridiculous outfit. His outfit can be really cool when there’s lots of color to it, along with some designs, but he just looks like a rotting tomato out there.

The match is pretty damn sloppy and full of botches and miscommunication, but it was a good opening match. The crowd was pretty solid, so that’s a good sign. The finish was pretty damn awesome and came by surprise, though I was a little disappointed by Kofi’s kick at the end. ROTATE, dude! Otherwise, it’s just a normal kick. And normal kicks shouldn’t finish the match, maaaan. I mean, like, if a guy’s finisher is a Phoenix splash (moonsault position into a normal 450), then clearly a standard 450 will never finish the match. WHY SHOULD IT BE DIFFERENT WITH KICKS?

Kofi Kingston over Everyone Else Following a Trouble In Paradise on William Regal.

Segment 3 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – No Holds Barred Match – Rey (The Tiniest Power Ranger) Mysterio © vs. Chris (Isn’t A Friendly Person) Jericho.

Cewsh: Jericho starts with a promo at the merchandise table about how Mysterio is a huge hypocrite and etcetera, etcetera, you know the general speech I’m talking about. He wanders through the crowd (very amusingly instructing fans not to touch him or he will knock them out), and gets into the ring, still berating Mysterio. See, Jericho has taken umbrage with the fact that Mysterio wears a mask. Apparently hiding your face makes you a hypocrite, and that makes Jericho fightin’ mad. So for weeks, Jericho has been trying to rip Mysterio’s mask off, leading to this No Holds Barred match for Mysterio’s Intercontinental championship.

I really had mixed feelings about this match. I’ll be honest about that from the get go. See, I don’t enjoy de-masking angles at all, because I don’t WANT Mysterio to have his mask off, even for a moment. Not because he’s an ugly dude or anything, but because I know how this is going to go. Jericho is going to heel the fuck up for awhile, use Rey’s mask to his advantage to do some serious damage, and eventually the whole idea will be blown off, and everyone will move on. However, if going after Rey’s mask bothers him so badly, then why doesn’t everyone do it? Why doesn’t everyone from Funaki to John Cena go straight for the mask to put Rey at a huge disadvantage? Sure a guy like Batista might respect the traditions of lucha masks and respect Rey enough not to, but Edge? Orton? Seriously?

As for the match itself, my mixed feelings continue. See, the first half of the match just didn’t stir me in any significant way. The beginning just didn’t flow as smoothly as their match last month, and the inevitable comparison to that very strong match, made the beginning of this one look disjointed and botchy by comparison. By the time Jericho hit the Codebreaker off of Rey’s springboard splash, though, I was right on board with this match, and they delivered a last half that really had me on the edge of my seat. Mysterio flew around the ring and made everything look great, but the real story here is Chris Jericho. Jericho’s character has gotten so huge and amazing by this point, that its almost like he can do no wrong. His every mannerism and movement in this match served a devious purpose, and the manipulation that led up to the pinfall of this match were nothing short of brilliant. The finish took me a minute to get, and I didn’t understand what had happened until the instant replay, but once I understood I was tremendously impressed.

A great finish, to a very solid match. Kudos to both men for their character work, and I’m much more excited to see Mysterio/Jericho III than I was to see II.

78 out of 100.

Vice: So, Chris Jericho’s music hits and he isn’t there. Thank god there was a random camera man filming Rey’s merchandise for no apparent reason, and that Jericho just happened to be 3 feet away. PHEW. Man that would have been awkward if that guy wasn’t there. Seriously, camera dude, that was clutch. I also love the fans in the background, especially that one dude that had his head popped out and was staring at the camera like a dear in headlights. And then the fans follow Jericho just so they can make gang signs on PPV. Awesome. What is it with people doing retarded things the second a camera is pointed at them?

Jericho says he’s going to rip the mask off of Mysterio and expose his identity to everyone. There are two problems with this. First one is simple, second one is somewhat deeper. Both are probably nitpicking, but whatever.

1) If Jericho wants to “expose Rey’s identity”, why not just play some footage from WCW after Rey LOST HIS MASK? ‘Cause, you know, he didn’t have a mask for a while. Or he could just use the internet. Look at this:

2) I really dislike Jericho saying he’s going to rip Rey’s mask off, just like last PPV when he said that Rey wasn’t going to hit the 619. Why? Because they’re telling us the story of the match right off the bat. Instead of the match just being Jericho wanting Rey’s mask off or countering the 619 repeatedly, our hand is held and BAM! The focus of the match will be ______. Or that will at least be worked into the finish or something.

Naturally, Rey comes to the ring wearing his half-mask that’s being held on by two itty bitty straps. He’s so damn proud of it and Jericho’s tried pulling it off before, so let’s make it as easy as possible for it to be ripped off. Why? It just makes sense. And when the mask does come flying off, I don’t think Rey will learn from his mistakes. In fact, haven’t his half-masks been ripped off before?

Jericho throws Rey at the stairs. Rey flips over. Jericho rushes over. Rey kicks the stairs 3 inches and Jericho has been hit by a car. Cool looking spot, but it really makes no sense. Why would Jericho run straight at the stairs? Had Rey not kicked them, Jericho would have ran into them himself. So, um, cool?

Rey getting flung out of the ring and crashing face first is always a fun thing to watch.

Rey’s face is pretty much fully exposed. Not sure if that was completely intentional, but whatever. It was on display.

Jericho countering Rey’s splash into the Codebreaker was pretty goddamn hot, I gotta say, even if Jericho more or less completely no sold the move, just like he absolutely no sold Rey’s seated senton.

Around 36 minutes into this brutal, punishing event known as Extreme Rules, the very first instance of “extreme” shows its face. And that would be a steal chair. For some reason, Rey Mysterio, being himself, cannot win this match. So naturally, he decides to channel the EXTREEEEEEEEEEEME of Sabu! And thus he is jumping off chairs and doing other random shit with it. To cap it off, he drills Jericho with a nasty chairshot and, of course, after wobbling around for a brief period of time and being out on his feet, Jericho lands… you guessed it!… in the 619 position. Then Jericho completely no sells the chair shot, rips Mysterio’s mask off in mid-619 (which was pretty awesome), then rolls him up for his ninth intercontinental championship, then proceeds to prance around because he’s a heel and thus full of himself. Way to sell though, Jericho.

It was a very good, exciting match and I enjoyed it, but it definitely had its flaws. And really, I’d rather see Jericho with a belt around his waist than Mysterio.

Fuck Mysterio.

Chris Jericho over Rey Mysterio Following a Roll Up After Stealing Rey’s Mask.

CHRIS JERICHO IS YOUR NEW INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPION!

Segment 4 – Funky Like a Monkey, Baby.

Cewsh: Say, Randy Savage’s DVD boxset is on sale now.

Buy that shit NOW, motherfucker.

Then have some chocolate milk, or something. I’m not trying to tell you how to live your life.

Segment 5 – Batista Be All Mad And Junk.

Vice: I really hate the abundance of video packages. Josh Matthews invites Batista to watch a recap of what happened on RAW, which would explain why Batista is so grumpy. Instead of a replay, they show a whole goddamn hype video. They could have a) showed a quick replay, or b) had Batista just cut his promo, since his promo really didn’t have anything to do [directly] with the video package. If you couldn’t tell, Batista is really pissed off. Oh, and instead of showing a hype video and have Batista cut an angry promo right before the match, we instead go to Umaga vs. Punk, because that makes sense. Yep? Yep.

Cewsh: So, it turns out that Batista is pretty steamed that Randy Orton punted Ric Flair in the head on Raw last week. In fact, steamed just doesn’t quite say it. Grilled maybe? With a light mesquite glaze? No, no. Baked? Maybe wrapped in tinfoil with seasonings and spices and left to cook at 425 for 45 minutes? Mmm.

Where was I going with this? I’m getting a sandwich.

Segment 6 – Samoan Strap Match – CM (Crunk Monkey) Punk vs. (Ew) Umaga.

Vice: So we’re about a third of the way through the PPV, and this is the third match. Fear not, though, for this match is EXTREME. Not only is it EXTREME, but it also has a gimmick! It’s a Samoan strap match, which is sure to bring out the violence in everyone involved. How do you win such an EXTREME match while you are literally tied to your opponent? Simple. You touch all four turnbuckles.

Wait, what?

Yes, that’s right. You touch all four turnbuckles. Sheer brutality. And naturally you really could just down your opponent in the middle of the ring and run around the ring real quick tagging all the turnbuckles, which would make so much sense that it loops around the spectrum and thus makes sense to walk around the ring as slow as physically possible, sometimes with the opponent outside of the ring where there is clearly no way to reach the far turnbuckles.

The match was solid for what it was and had a pretty hot finish, but it’s such a dumb gimmick. Good to see Punk get the victory here.

Cewsh: Okay, so this one is a little tough to call.

I remain an enormous mark for CM Punk, and I very likely always will. He’s got everything, the look, the skills, the mic work, the awesomeness quotient, its all there. Despite all that though, he’s had a string of matches now that I simply did not want to watch. Its not that they were bad matches, or even not good ones, because he had more than decent matches with both Kane and Umaga. Its just that I want to see him doing more, and neither Kane nor Umaga really stirs any sort of interest these days, unfortunately. So when I sat down to watch this, I was not in any way excited for it. Another Umaga/Punk match, and a wacky gimmick match (and my least favorite gimmick match in all of wrestling, no less) seemed to add up to unhappiness for Cewsh.

Boy was I wrong. This match was fucking fantastic.

Now, I know I’ve been hard on the strap match as a concept before, and this match didn’t change that. The idea of tying two people together and then racing to see who can touch the four corners first is far more American Gladiators than professional wrestling, and the whole thing just stinks of the boring bloodbaths of the NWA days. Dusty Rhodes’ fat, bloody carcus presents an especially strong picture. With all of that that said, though, this one just clicked for me somehow. Punk had just the right amount of firey babyfaceness to get me involved without making me roll my eyes, and Umaga played the immovable object to perfection as he often does. Punk bounced all over the place, and Umaga threw good looking power move, after good looking power move, and it all just worked. No rhyme or reason that I can figure, just all the stars aligning to give us a great match that had no business being as great as it was. Great performances from both men without a doubt, and yet another star making performance from CM Punk.

Cewsh Note: It has come to my attention that the day following the airing of this PPV, Umaga was released from his WWE contract. If this is the case, I truly wish him the best of luck, as he is extremely talented, and will no doubt latch on somewhere and make his family proud.

82 out of 100.

Cewsh Download Seal of Approval.

CM Punk over Umaga Following Punk Touching All Four Corners.
Segment 7 – “When Tommy Dreamer Takes His Shirt Off, He Looks He Looks Like A Melting Candle.”

Cewsh: L. O. L.

Dreamer and Christian trade friendly (or maybe not so friendly) insults with each other about this match, and then when Swagger shows up, they just wander off and ignore him.

Poor Swagger. He should have be named Jack Emo. BECAUSE HE HAS NO FRIENDS. Bwahahahahahaha.

Ahem. Yes.

Segment 8 – ECW Heavyweight Championship – Hardcore Triple Threat Match – Christian (The Wick) © vs. Tommy (WAKE UP ALREADY) Dreamer vs. Jack (Emo) Swagger.

Cewsh: Alright, so if Tommy Dreamer does not win this match tonight, he is officially fired from the WWE, as his contract will expire. Christian is his friend, who nevertheless isn’t letting go of the title if he can help it, and Swagger is the ex champion who never got his proper rematch, and has something to prove.

See, the trouble with the whole “Tommy Dreamer must win” storyline, is that he really, really mustn’t win this match. Tommy Dreamer is no longer capable of wrestling quality matches (if, indeed, he ever was), and however over he once was, the reaction he gets is a shell of what it once was. So what we have is a compelling storyline, set around someone who hasn’t truly been compelling since the 90s. As a result, I can’t help but feel that Tommy is neither deserving, nor capable of handling his current push, so I’m kind of resenting the fact that he’s getting it. Letting a man respectfully retire in a good place is one thing. To all of a sudden pretend he’s more than you’ve pushed him as for almost a decade (a jobber), is kind of insulting to be perfectly honest.

But since I never much liked Dreamer or the original ECW, I guess that this isn’t really a story for me, is it?

Anyway, this match is truly nothing to write home about. Christian and Swagger never have a bad match together, but having Dreamer in the with them just slowed everything down. His style doesn’t mesh with either of his opponent’s styles, and the clash was very obvious at a lot of points. Also obvious was Swagger’s unease at working with all of the weapons, and Christian’s inability to stand out in a situation like this. It was a match clearly designed to highlight and suit Tommy Dreamer, but instead of helping Dreamer, it only hurt his opponents, resulting in a ho hum match, reminiscent of the old hardcore tv matches from 2001.

As for the ending, well, I think it was fucking stupid. I know, I know, Tommy Dreamer, ECW, excetera, excetera, but frankly you just put a washed up star from the 90s that you’ve been using as job bait for 10 years, over one of your top up and coming stars, and a great wrestler with main event potential (Swagger and Christian respectively), and for what? For a nice moment? Those are very important, but not here, not like this. Tommy Dreamer’s career was defined by victory in defeat. To have him win here is so out of character and ridiculous, that I can hardly even credit it.

I am not looking forward to any Tommy Dreamer title defenses.

64 out of 100.

Vice: Trash cans and their lids are the least dangerous looking weapons ever. Real trash cans, especially their lids, could seriously fuck someone up in an actual fight.. but not these aluminum foil creations. The cans themselves aren’t horrendous, but I seriously laugh at the lids– especially when people sell them like baseball bats to the face.

They pretty much completely did a threeway spot from the opening match, which was pretty disappointing. Though, at least this one wasn’t fucked up by MVP.

The match was pretty good, but far from anything special.

I really liked Tommy’s role throughout this match. He seriously wrestled like a guy who needed to dig super deep. He had to whip out some old tricks and give everything he had to wrestle like the Dreamer that was a big name a decade ago. It definitely wasn’t the Tommy that I’m used to seeing. But, I have to ask…

WHY THE FUCK DID HE WIN?

Tommy’s whole story is the guy that never really could. He never wanted to win the original ECW title, and he considers that a mistake, like breaking his character. So they give him the title again, when there’s much better talent out there? Him losing the match would have been a much better moment, I’d say, but I’ll see where this goes. If he just happily vacates it, I’ll be rather annoyed.

And seriously, when is someone going to lose a match where they’re putting it all on the line? I’m so tired of “if I don’t ________, I’ll never wrestle again!”, followed by a win. I’ll give WWE some props though; I didn’t think they were dumb enough to actually put the title on Dreamer, so it was a bit of a surprise.

Tommy Dreamer over Everyone Else Following a DDT on Jack Swagger.

TOMMY DREAMER IS YOUR NEW ECW HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Segment 9 – Miss Wrestlemania Championship – Hog Pen Match – Santina (Sigh) Marella vs. Vickie (Why, Vickie, Why?) Guerrero.

Vice: Ooooooooohhhhhh, now this is what’s up.

A cross-dressing Italian up against the widow of one of the best wrestlers to ever lace up a pair of boots.. in a HOG PEN match! All I have to say is:

EXTREEEEEEEEMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!

Ok, that was a lie. There’s no way I could just leave it at that. This is just embarrassing and something that makes me ashamed to watch wrestling sometimes. Seriously. Everything about this segment was just atrocious. It was EXTREME, however.

Post-match, I’m pretty sure I saw Vickie Guerrero’s nipple, but unlike most other potential nipple slips, this one I am not investigating.

Cewsh: Okay. For fuck’s sake. Enough with this angle.

“Santina” actually amused me for a few weeks. Hell almost a full month of smirks it earned from me. That was 3 months ago. ENOUGH. Its not funny anymore, the fans aren’t responding anymore, and the fact that they turned Santino face off of this entire thing is just a sad, sad fact considering how much better of a heel than a face his character lends itself to. Truly and simply, I don’t want to watch this. I understand that people pay to see heels like Vickie get humiliated, and get their comeuppance. Hell, that’s one of the founding principals of wrestling. The fact is, though, that I just don’t want to see Santino in drag wrestling Vickie Guerrero in an Evening Gown in a big bunch of mud and pig shit. Who is this idea targeting? Who is vastly amused by this prospect? I accept that there is someone out there for whom this is an awesome idea, but that man is not me.

This was awful. Just awful. If you’re going to do a match like this, why not have it be a regular match, where the loser has to be slopped? That way at least you get a match, and then when the slopping occurs, it’s a big deal and gets a big laugh from everyone. Having everyone rolling in the mud and shit from the first minute, makes the rest of the match seem unnecessary.

This kind of thing really makes me wonder who is coming up with things like this. How can the same group of people who give us incredibly brilliant and complex angles like Jericho/Michaels or Triple H/Batista, also be capable of stuff like this? I just don’t know man. Its saddening in a big way. Its hard enough to convince people that watching wrestling isn’t super lame, or that writing a wrestling review blog (not that I’m talking about anyone in particular) isn’t a huge waste of time and resources without stuff like this putting a mirror up to how sad and ridiculous it all can be.

And if Michael Cole doesn’t stop fake laughing at everything that Santino does, I’m going to drive to Connecticut and twist his enormous ears into a new windbreaker for myself.

Try me, Cole.

6 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Seal of Disapproval. If Only I Had One.

Santina over Vickie and Chavo Following Something Unwatchable.
Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Steel Cage Match – Randy (The Hero Of Ric Flair’s Many Ex Wives) Orton © vs. (You Sunk My) Bat(tleship)ista.

Vice: See, this video package makes the other one very unnecessary, especially considering the previous video IS ACTUALLY THE SECOND HALF OF THIS ONE. Fucking hell. I hate to go down this route, but the videos kind of remind me of MTV Cribs. Obviously very different, but every episode of Cribs looks the same. All the editing, all the cuts.. it’s all the same. It just has a generic formula, and 90% of WWE videos these days have that exact same formula. And even better, they air the video NOT before the match, but before a Vickie/Chavo/Goldswoggle/Edge segment. So, yeah. They get the hype going and then totally switch gears.

But anyway, Orton vs. Batista is finally ready to start. Orton, the champion, comes out first. Kofi also came out first. Rey came out second, but that’s because Jericho had to cut his massive promo, otherwise Rey probably would have come out first. Seriously, what’s up with that?

What caught me off guard about this match, firstly, is just how bloody short it was. Bell to bell, it clocked in at juuuuust over 7 minutes. Keep in mind that the first promo (and video package) with Batista was like 4 minutes and 15 seconds. The second video was a handful of seconds less. From the start of Orton’s music, the entrances until the bell lasted just over 5 minutes. So really, the match was pretty damn short and it didn’t really do a lot. Orton is a chickenshit and tries to escape. Fails. Batista slaps him around a bit. Orton tries to escape. Fails. Batista slaps him around a bit. Orton tries to escape. Fails. Batista slaps him around a bit. Orton briefly tries to fight the beast. Fails. Batista slaps him around a bit. Orton tries to escape. Fails. The end.

Apparently Batista is already injured leading up to this match, so slapping the title on him is a brilliant idea. Whatever. There was good character work and a fairly good story, but considering how big of a match it could have been, I can’t help but feel disappointed.

Cewsh: Hmm.

Well.

Hmm.

Okay. So, to call this a match really wouldn’t be entirely accurate. This was the “Randy Orton gets his ass kicked show.” He did too, he really, really did. Man, did Randy Orton get his ass kicked. There was this one part where Orton was getting his ass kicked, and then, I looked back at the screen, and Orton was getting his ass kicked again. I think he got a punch or something in, and then, yeah, ass kicked. Then Orton started to get some decent offense on Batista, and then…well the match ended.

So…um…yeah.

What was actually here was not bad at all, but the match felt like it was in fast forward. I’m not sure what went into it being that way, whether it was time constraints, or somebody getting hurt or what, but this match felt rushed in a major way, and the ending, while absolutely fine and good and effective, was kind of anticlimactic, just because of how out of nowhere it seemed. Not in the “Stone Cold Stunner/RKO Impact and Its Over” kind of out of nowhere either. The “Oh, is it over already?” kind. Yeah. That kind.

I’m intrigued at the result, though. Very, very, very intrigued.

68 out of 100.

Batista over Randy Orton Following The Batista Bomb.

BATISTA IS THE NEW WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Segment 11 – Submission Match – John (I Have Never) Cena (Jurassic Park) vs. The Big (Lebowski) Show.

Vice: The opening bit in the Cena/Show video made me a bit sick to my stomach. Scratch that—the entire damn thing made me sick to my stomach.

The match starts off like an MMA fight, which is kind of lame. Really lame. The commentators stress just how PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE it is for Cena to apply the STFU on Big Show. They even highlighted it in the video package, showing clips of him failing to apply it three different times at Judgment Day. So what does Cena immediately do? HE TRIES TO APPLY THE STFU. Honestly, fucking hell. Allow me to predict something—Cena is going to win via STFU. He’s going to do what’s “literally impossible” and will, naturally, shock the world. Or he’s going to use a weapon or something. But he’s probably going to win via STFU. If he doesn’t, I’ll be genuinely surprised.

There’s no rope breaks with EXTREME rules?

CENA GOES FOR THE PHYSICALLY IMPOSSIBLE MOVE AGAIN. Is he fucking retarded? AND AGAIN! Do you not know any other moves? Do you have no idea how to adapt to different situations, like, trying to submit a big monster?

Ok, so you can adapt. Ugh. This is one of those finishes that probably looked really awesome on paper, but just failed miserably in execution. The obvious fuck up here is that Big Show’s leg immediately popped out from the ropes. Naturally he tried kicking it back in, but that didn’t work at all. Luckily the people in the truck saw the problem and cut away from it rather quickly. Still though, it just looked sloppy. I give them points for trying, but it was a mess.

Oh, the match? I haven’t been so bored in I don’t even fucking know how long. I thought their last PPV match was boring, and this one completely puts it to shame. I could seriously go on and on and on and on and on about how amazingly boring this match was and it wouldn’t do it justice.

Fucking horrible. Awful awful awful. Atrocious. Hated it. Oh, AND Cena won. Jesus. Did you see him sticking his tongue out while Big Show was in the STFU? Awful facial expressions. Shame on Cena fans.

And seriously, no rope breaks?

“Somehow, someway.. John Cena has done it again”, sayeth Michael Cole. I seriously can’t believe they’re still booking Cena like this.

I don’t think Tanahashi bursting through the entranceway on a golden chocobo could have saved this segment, and Tanahashi bursting through the entranceway on a golden chocobo would be really fucking awesome.

Cewsh: You know how sometimes you watch a match and you just instantly know that its going to be a magnet for controversy? Like Sting/Hogan at Starrcade, or Michaels/Hart at Survivor Series, or, to a much lesser extent, Triple H/Orton at Wrestlemania. You watch it, and as its unfolding, you find yourself watching it, not so much through your own eyes, but through the eyes of the community. Every time certain spots happen, or certain choices for the direction of the match are revealed, you know, you just KNOW, when those things are going to piss people off and rile them up. Even though you may disagree entirely with that opinion, you still sort of half cringe, just thinking of the backlash on the internets the next day. Thinking of the arguments you’ll have to endure every time you talk about it, and thinking about how you would almost prefer to agree and not like the match, just because it would be less of a hassle.

Well this is one of those matches. My potentially harmful opinion? This match was da bomb.

Alright, so my hip hop vernacular is mired in the Kris Kross days, but my point is that this match was fantastic. I loved the Cena was constantly playing the face in dire peril, I loved that the Big Show was toying with Cena because he was so certain that he would win, and I loved that they played with the format of the match to give us something different from the norm. This match could have lasted 10 minutes and still included, for the most part, all the same stuff, but instead of just giving us the by the numbers match, they took the heat on the match, and they carefully nurtured it, giving it lots of time to grow, and every time it seemed like the comeback might finally be on and the match might end, they’d take it back, replant it, and start growing it again. By the end of the match, the people were absolutely buzzing. Not cheering. Buzzing. They were discussing what they were seeing, and that’s something that is very difficult to accomplish in wrestling. They built the heat so high, so far, so insanely out of reach that it was almost like nobody knew what possibly COULD end the match.

So yeah, I liked that a lot. I like it when superior talents tweak the formula and try to offer something very different, because it makes me think, and I like to be challenged in that way. Is this match going to be for everyone? Absolutely fucking not, it will not be. In fact, I believe my compatriot would rather have stuck his dick in a meat grinder than watch it, but that’s my stance, and I am steadfastly holding to it.

83 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

John Cena over The Big Show Following The STFU.

Segment 12 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Ladder Match – (W)Edge © Jeff (Biggs) Hardy.

Cewsh: Oh yes, now HERE’S my shit right here.

It seems like, in today’s wrestling, that innovation seems to equal MOVEZ. Not simply with the fans who watch the product, but with the wrestlers themselves, who seem content to use the general established archetype for everything. The few people who are experimenting with things and trying to find new ways are often ridiculed for being different and harder to understand, and as a result, a lot of things wind up just looking the same.

Thank god, then, for ladder matches. For some reason, putting a ladder in the ring with two guys, especially either of these two men, just invites an amazing amount of creativity, and free thinking. Watching any ladder match, its almost like over your shoulder is every other spot from every other ladder matches, since they’ve carved red hot lines across the skies of your mind, and yet despite how little you’d think there is to do, these guys still innovate. Still create. Still keep me coming back for more.

This match is no exception, and it’d be ridiculous to expect it to be. Here was have Jeff Hardy and Edge, the two men whose names are synonymous with the concept these days, and they’re going at it against each other. It’s the hotness. This match especially, however, stands out to me, and likely will in the future as well, because of how well it walks the line between the new ladder match and the old ladder match. The old ladder match (think TLC) is a car crash all the time. There’s never something not happening, and these things go so quickly that its just like one big crazy moment that you get sucked into, and people just kept trying to top each other all throughout the match to become the craziest bastard. The NEW ladder match (as seen in Edge/Flair, Michales/Jericho, or any Hardy/Hardy match is more slowly paced, with transitions between the big spots being carefully led up to and with an actual match surrounding them. These aren’t just spotfests anymore, they’re fully fledged matches unto themselves, and this is a great one.

Now, I’m not the most impartial party. If I’m the one being asked, however, and at the moment I am, I say that this is the perfect kind of match. Exciting, hard hitting, well wrestled, great backstory, high drama. Everything. EVERYTHING that I ever want from wrestling. Wrapped up in a tight little package.

Awesome.

87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Vice: Edge comes out FIRST. What the fucking hell. The champions really should come out last.

I miss the days when a ladder match would feature one ladder. It was a match involving said ladder, and one man had to climb up and grab the belt and, if essential or for shits and giggles, could use the ladder as a weapon. Yes, ONE ladder. Every now and then I wouldn’t mind a second ladder. You know, one of those REALLY BIG ladders for that insane ohmygodmontage spot. Or if the smaller ladder was too broken down to safely allow a wrestler to climb up. This match has around 25 ladders around the ring. It’s a cool visual and it’s kind of cool knowing that these two have an entire playground to play around in, but it’s complete overkill. And it’s what’s become of ladder matches these days. All the spots you can do with one ladder have apparently been done, so the solution is to add more ladders and make spots crazier and crazier, and more and more contrived.

I really don’t know what to say about the match, to be honest. Some things clicked, some things didn’t. Wasn’t a huge fan of how many ladders there were, as previously ranted about, but they used them pretty well, and thankfully didn’t use too many. It seemed fun and exciting, but I wasn’t too into it. Maybe I’m just tired of watching/reviewing this show. Actually, I blame Cena/Show. It was that bad. Seriously. Worse than Vickie/Santina. Not kidding.

The finish was awesome with Edge being stuck in the ladder, Hardy ripping the belt down and getting right up in his face. Edge’s reaction was absolutely perfect, and Hardy was great.

Jeff Hardy over Edge Following His Retrieval of the Title.

JEFF HARDY IS YOUR NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Post match:

Cewsh: Oh yes, babyakes, there sure as hell is a post match. If you have ANY intention of watching this show from now without spoilers, you MUST NOT READ PAST THIS POINT. Let the surprise be a surprise. You’ll be happier that way. Trust me.

Are you still reading?

I’m going to spoil it, you know. You’re going to miss out on the awesomeness.

Still time to turn back…

Alright, fuck it. Let’s do this shit!

Segment 13 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Jeff (Sad Panda) Hardy © vs. CM (Cruel Misanthrope) Punk.

Cewsh: So Jeff Hardy collapses into a corner to try to revive himself after the epic war he has engaged in, and JR climbs into the ring to conduct an interview when blickety BLAM, CM Punk’s music hits, and everybody in the building knows exactly what the deal is. The whole building goes dead quiet as a face they cheered wildly earlier comes out to pick the bones of the face they paid to see. Punk hands in the briefcase, they ref rings the bell, BOOM Go 2 Sleep on Jeff Hardy. 1…2…NEW CHAMPIO….KICKOUT by Jeff Hardy! Punk dons the single most bemused expression I have ever seen on a human being, and tries to pick Jeff up for another. As he goes to grab Hardy, though, Hardy grabs him in a roll up! Could Hardy be the first champion to stave off the Money in the Bank cashing?! 1…..2….NO! Punk kicks out, grabs Hardy, GO2 SLEEP, motherfucker. Lights out, kid. Smoke ‘em if you got ‘em. 1……2…..3! New motherfucking champion!

What’s his name?

Its CM Punk.

I can’t hear you.

CM PUNK.

Louder motherfuckers.

CM PUNK.

Hell yes, you shitfuckity blubbercunts, a new day has dawned, and the Lord of the Morning is here. Wake up and smell that nasty coffee.

Vice: PUNK. AHAHHAHAHAAHAHA HOLY SHIT.

Hardy finally got some payback against Edge, getting the title back which he worked for years and years and years to get in the first place and lost very quickly, and fought so hard that he can barely even stand up to celebrate and… THIIIIS FIIIIIRE BUUUUURNS!

Holy. Fucking. Shit. This was done to perfection. Hardy was goddamn amazing during the 20 second period when Punk first comes out. Collapsing as Punk’s music hits, staring at him in complete fear knowing that he’s about to have everything ripped away from him again, not being able to stand.. all of it was great. Punk was equally amazing. His smirk and his shithead attitude were top notch.

When the match starts, Punk caves Hardy’s face in with his knee. Punk thinks he has it won, so his reaction is remarkable when Hardy kicks out. Hardy then rolls Punk up and almost retains his title, which Punk reacts to perfectly. You can tell that a) he’s pissed off that Hardy still has fight in him and winning the title isn’t as easy as he thought and b) he might actually lose the damn match if he isn’t careful, which visibly makes him nervous. Punk, knowing that Hardy can still use roll-ups, decides to play it safe and keep his distance, so he kicks Hardy in the skull. Then it’s lights out. Punk drags Hardy just out of reach of the ropes and makes sure he looks the legs right. Punk was so great here, and I really can’t stress that enough. Going from arrogant shithead to pissed off to nervous and back to arrogant was all lovely.

Is Punk heel now? Well, I’m not sure. But he did do one of the most absurdly dickish things I’ve seen in wrestling in quite some time. It all depends on how it plays out. They could have him be a full blown heel by continuing his dickishness on Smackdown with that beautiful grin of his, or he could cut one of those “it’s nothing personal—I saw an opportunity and I took it, and you’d have probably done the same” kind of promos and be a dickish face/mild tweener. Who knows. Maybe WWE will let the crowd’s reactions help their booking of him.

Still though, what a dick. Amazing.

CM PUNK IS YOUR NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

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Cewsh’s Conclusions:

Cewsh: Well, I have to say that this wasn’t the greatest show in the world. It was certainly a solid show, and certainly a night with tons of surprises with several new champions crowned, and lots of controversial matches and finishes. Honestly, though, this is really a 3 match show, and even more specifically than that, it’s a one moment show. But Christ, WWE is getting good at giving us those moments, aren’t they?

Watch the good matches, don’t bother with the rest. Simple as that really. Its summertime in WWE. And that means they’ve only just begun to fight.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 65.8 out of 100.
Vice’s Verdict:

Vice: Overall I didn’t think much of the show. I wouldn’t say that I was let down at all, because I didn’t even know there was a PPV over the weekend until like 3 days prior. I didn’t exactly have time to hype myself or brace for impact, but the show was what it was.

For every amazing thing (PUNK!) there was a catastrophe (Show/Cena), so there was much balance in the force. However, Punk won the fucking title. That’s what matters.

Vice’s Final Score: 52 out of 100.

Well that’ll do it for us this week boys and girls. We hope that you enjoyed our merry jaunt through the Land of Extremities, and will return to join us next Tuesday as always for the second installment of our study in pain (for us) and pointlessness (for everyone involved), with Night Two of the IWA:MS King of the Deathmatches Tournament 2009! Until then, kiddies, remember to keep reading, and, as ever, be good to each other.