TNA Lockdown 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…


TNA LOCKDOWN 2009

Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another installment of Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a special treat for you, assuming, of course, that you consider a special treat to be essentially the same thing you get every Tuesday. If that is the case, then I have no doubt that you will deliriously happy as we review TNA’s Lockdown 2009! TNA has had a run of some of the most abysmal shows that we have ever borne witness to, and while I have been duped by this in the past, (read every other TNA review for evidence of me making excuses for TNA, like an abused spouse,) this show legitimately seems to have potential.

Will we be fooled again? Only time, and the wise Cewsh, will tell.

You may have noticed, for the record, that this edition of everyone’s favorite review is a day late. If you noticed that, then perhaps you can notice deez. Deez what, you ask? Mr. Deez. My diminutive landlord. I never see him coming, and he’s always hassling me. Could really use some help with that. No? Fair enough then. Onwards the mighty review!

Segment 1 – Pre Show Shenanigans – (Dangerous To Himself and Others) Danny Bonaduce vs. Eric (Why Did I Get Chosen For This?) Young.

Cewsh: Alright, before we get to the match itself, first we need to cover the fact that this match is happening at all. See, tonight they’re in Philadelphia for the PPV, and Bonaduce (originally from Philly) has recently returned with his radio show from California. Bonaduce, seeing this as publicity to help advertise his show, and TNA, seeing this as a good way to rouse up local interest in the show, made a no brainer match. When you consider that Bonaduce actually has been trained to some degree and was on the Celebrity Championship Wrestling reality show, if ever a celebrity match made simple sense, this is it.

Now, with that said, they could have chosen practically anyone to have a match with him. Most of the TNA roster is experienced and safe in the ring, capable of a carry job, and you could have some fun with a few different guys by putting them up against Bonduce, seeing as he’s both a huge face and a huge heel every day of his life. They could choose anyone to be in this high profile match, giving that wrestler some credibility, and some great momentum and promotion via Bonaduce’s radio show hyping that guy up.

Of course, TNA being TNA, they chose Eric Young and turned him heel. Except not.

See, in order to hype this match, they did exactly one total promotional promo. Young showed up at Bonaduce’s studio and slapped him in the face. So he’s the heel right? And then Bonaduce shows up at the arena, on a motorcycle, getting the hero’s welcome, and delivers a respectful promo about how he just wants to try his best and do as good as he can. And then, Young comes out looking all heelish and bullies Bondauce around a bit. Then, they have a little back and forth match which is perfectly serviceable, with Bonaduce playing the plucky babyface. And then, following the match’s conclusion, Young shakes Bonaduce’s hand, and then Bonaduce jumps him and threatens to kill him with nunchucks. Um…okay. That makes sense.

Did I say sense? I meant “Me cry.”

52 out of 100.

Eric Young over Danny Bonaduce Following A Rollup.

Cewsh: Post match Rhino shows up out of nowhere and Gores the beejesus out of Bonaduce, sending him flying into the cage. Fuck’s sake. That looked great, but I still don’t know who I’m supposed to be cheering for here. Rhino? Ha. Nice try.

Let me say right now, as well, that I forsee this being the beginning of an ongoing partnership between Bonaduce and TNA. He likes to wrestle, they like celebrities, and this match absolutely felt much more like a high profile tryout match than a one off celebrity match. Ms. Cewsh mentioned it first, but it seems fairly clear at this point. Bonaduce vs. Rhino at the next show. I called it here.

Segment 2 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Smashing Pumpkins ~ Bullet With Butterfly Wings.

Oh yeah, I used to love that song.

When I was twelve.

This video is cool enough, and Billy Corgan himself shows up to lend it credence, but yeah. Didn’t Billy Corgan release any cools songs after this one? Oh, no he didn’t? Hmm. Well fair enough then.

Segment 3 – X-Scape Match –TNA X Division Championship – Jay (Don’t Eat the Black Nachos, Kids) Lethal vs. Ki (You Would Think that Low Ki + Yoshi Would Be Cooler Than This) Yoshi vs. Consequences (Of Failure Are Deadly) Creed vs. Sheik (I Thought I Was Done Having To Come Up With Nicknames For You) Abdul Bashir vs. (Career) Suicide ©.

Vice: TNA has a very large crowd tonight in Philly. That’s good to see, and hopefully they’re hot. And not morons.

Suicide has thick gloves, so his hands look very large. I was very fixated on them throughout the match. The match was a pretty good way to kick off the show. It wasn’t a great match by any means (or even good or.. decent), but it did its part and was clearly the match they should have opened the show with.

Bashir dropkicking the cage door to try to escape was really awesome. It’s one of those spots you don’t see coming, and for that split second you’re thinking it could be the finish. Very well done.

What a ridiculously amazing ending to the match. He wins the title by jumping off the Ultimate X structure, and then retains the title by jumping off the cage. He’s a crazy human being. Perhaps that’s why his name is SUICIDE? And who is SUICIDE? Still, I fucking love his PPV match booking. It’s perfect for his character. Wait, did I just say that something in TNA is perfect?

Fuck.

Cewsh Notes:

– Alright, the idea here is that this match is elimination rules. Meaning that whenever anyone gets pinned or submits, they are eliminated from the match, until the last two, who will vie to escape the cage instead. Everybody good on that? This is downright simple for a TNA gimmick match.

– This crowd is legitimately huge for TNA. Its not near a regular WWE crowd, but for TNA it looks absolutely enormous. Maybe their biggest ever.

– This is basically two tag teams (Lethal Consequences and Bashir and Kiyoshi) and Suicide.

KIYOSHI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY JAY LETHAL.

CONSEQUENCES CREED HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR.

– The crowd seems completely disinterested in this match. The only noise I heard all match was booing for Suicide. If fans in Philadelphia can’t be bothered to make noise for your match, either the match sucks, or they have no idea who the people in it are. Or both.

JAY LETHAL HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR.

– Suicide’s moveset was so cool looking when he first debuted, but now he seems to have stopped doing ANY of those moves. I know the mask has hidden a variety of different people, but seriously. He doesn’t even seem like the same character anymore.

– I take it back. Utterly amazing ending to this match. Seriously. One of the cooler visuals you’ll see this year, as Suicide leaps off the top of the cage to the outside and lands on a bunch of poor dudes. Awesome, awesome visual there.

This match was honestly very boring and formless for the majority. The end was great, and there were a few fun moves here and there, but it was remarkably vanilla for a cage match or an X Division match. Everyone was going at half speed here, just waiting to set up Suicide for his big moment. It really hurt the match, and kind of killed the crowd out of the gate, until the jump revived them.

68 out of 100.

Suicide over Everybody Else Following His Escape From the Cage.
Segment 4 – Christopher Daniels Has Style.

Cewsh: The story of the night seems to be that nobody can find Jeff Jarrett or Samoa Joe anywhere, and that everyone is nervous that they will not show up for the Lethal Lockdown match. Here, Styles and Daniels tell everyone that they, at least, are on the same page, and that they don’t really care who else shows up. There’s some foreshadowing a’brewin’ here boys and girls, but which door is hiding the heel turn? We’ll just have to see…

Segment 5 – Queen of the Cage Match – Madison (Alleged Beautiful Person) Rayne vs. Sojo (Thank Fuck They Shortened Her Name) Bolt vs. Daffney (Pending Restraining Order For Vice) vs. O (Oak) D (Dishwasher) B (Butter).

Vice: DAFFERS! What a fucking entrance by her. Her butt is just absolutely lovely (along with the rest of her, but her butt was like HEY VICE) and her screams seriously melt my heart. I absolutely love this woman. And yes, I can understand people not finding her attractive when she’s wearing 6 pounds of makeup and making silly faces, but THAT IS HER FUCKING CHARACTER. When Daffers is just Daffers, she’s fucking amazing.

If I don’t have much to say about this match, it’s probably because I’m masturbating quite furiously, almost to the point where I could conceivably start a fire.

Moving on….

Cewsh: Alright, aside from Daffney, who, as a fop to my colleague, I must admit is somewhat attractive, and is certainly the most dynamic character currently in this women’s division; there is nobody here who has one iota of momentum or interest at present. You have ODB, who had a dating show from which we got Cody Deaner ,who is fantastic, but she’s lost too many times to have any meaningful momentum. We have Bolt, who hasn’t made an appearance on television since being Kong’s bitch. And then we have Rayne, who is the resident jobber for the Beautiful People. Calling this the “Queen of the Cage” match is nice, but there’s no prestige here. Nothing to really be fighting for. Nobody in this division other than the champion and the number 1 contender ever have any direction at all, and even those rarely do.

Also, while I’m not the fashion consultant of our little gang here, Sojo Bolt looks fucking ridiculous. Zebra print? Really? Even people with shag carpets and lava lamps think that looks tacky.

Anyway, this match happens. And then it ends. Such is life. Daffney looked good. That’s about it.

37 out of 100.

ODB over Everyone Else Following A Powerslam On Sojo Bolt.
Segment 6 – IWGP Jr. Tag Team Championships – The Motor City (Recession Proof) Machine Guns © vs. NO (…body Watching This Knows Who You Are) LIMIT vs. LAX (Attitude Towards Hygiene).

Cewsh: First of all, these are the JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT titles. How many cheeseburgers over the weight limit do you think that Hernandez is? Tenay and West try to sell some story about how the Junior Heavyweight Division in NJPW is the “equivalent” of the X Division. So, since the X Division has no weight limit, its okay for TNA guys to compete for the “equivalent” championships WHILE WRESTLING ON A TNA SHOW. If that makes sense to you, then please send an email to “Friends For Vince Russo*”. Pen pals make widespread hatred more bearable.

Aside from that annoying point, this match is essentially what the X Division title match should have been. Fast paced, fun moves, solid story, and, basically, nonstop action. Hernanadez throwing around X Division guys is one of the purest joys in wrestling right now, as he’s just so great at throwing everyone around like ragdolls and looking like a beast. The Guns make everything look good, of course, so they hold things together, and NO LIMIT certainly hold up their end, even if nothing they did is particularly memorable.

All in all a good match. The first one, really. Here’s hoping for more to come.

72 out of 100.

*Note: Obviously Vince Russo does not handle booking decisions like this, and we here at Cewsh Reviews are fully aware of that. My joke was just funnier that way.

Vice: What a ridiculous spot match. Flowed very well. Very smooth. I don’t think I saw one spot that was obviously set up with someone waiting for another person, and the ENTIRE MATCH was spots. So, that was pretty cool. Yeah, that’s called working a good spotfest. Not many wrestlers can do that. You almost always have weird down time and ridiculous set ups that you can see coming from a mile away. It was good to see the Guns retain in this match. I didn’t think No Limit would take the titles back, but ya never know.

I enjoy No Limit, but I’m also not completely sold on them. Something about them makes me not give much of a shit about them. Shame, really. Maybe I just need to see more of them. LAX is awesome as always, even if Hernandez (who is twice the size of every other person in this match) is going for a JUNIOR tag title. Somehow this makes sense in TNA-land and I might have tried defending this when I truly enjoyed the product, but now I’m just going to giggle and say this was a good, fun match.

This was a good, fun match.

The Motor City Machine Guns over Everyone Else Following A Made In Detroit.
Segment 7 – Lauren and Abyss Sitting In A Studio. P-R-O-M-O-I-N-G.

Cewsh: Lauren is concerned for Abyss’ safety in his match tonight. Abyss is insane. Healthy relationship.

Segment 8 – DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD AND RAWR! – Matt (I Can Be Main Event Nows?) Morgan vs. (Fat Kane) Abyss.

Cewsh: In order to win this match, you have to make your opponent bleed. So yes, it’s a first blood match. Except wait! The match isn’t over when your opponent bleeds. You’re just not ALLOWED to pin him until AFTER he’s been busted open. You following? Only bloody people can be pinned. Also, DOOMSDAY. DOOMSDAY!

I really like Matt Morgan. He has tremendous mic skills, a fantastic look, and good presence. He’s still a little green in the ring, and is still learning how to use his body to be an effective big man, but his potential shines through every time I see him. That said, this feud is killing him. He’s doing well in it, so is Abyss, and Stevie Richards is always fun, but Abyss feuds are momentum killers like nothing else. They’re always super drawn out, the matches are always barbaric and insane, and Abyss ALWAYS steals the show by dying in every match. Nobody gets over in these things, except for Abyss, and he can’t use the momentum to go anywhere, because his gimmick has him chained to the upper midcard. He needs to escape as soon as possible, and hopefully after this he can move on.

As the match begins, Morgan busts Abyss open almost immediately, and Abyss does a blade job that can only be described as grisly. Blood starts absolutely cascading down on his outfit and the mat, and even all over Morgan, and before long, he looks like Manic Santa Claus. Morgan, for his part, plays up the heel role here, but as usual Abyss is the story as his crazy blood loss soaks everything. Finally, Abyss returns the favor and busts Morgan open, but not before the referee gets absolutely murdered by Morgan coming off the top rope. Like seriously. He gets obliterated. Shenanigans ensue as the cage opens for a new referee to run in, and Abyss takes the opportunity to go outside and grab some thumbtacks. Dr. Stevie comes out to stop him, and OMFGLOLZCATS it was Stevie Richards the whole time! Tenay and West absolutely lose their minds over this fact, and that we’re finally seeing his face. …even though we already saw it when he jumped Abyss in the most recent video segment. Whoops.

Anyway, Stevie wants Abyss to stop using weapons, and when Abyss tries to do it anyway, Stevie slaps him around a bit until Morgan swoops in and gives Abyss a huge double fisted chokeslam on the tacks.

This match was brutal, but not memorably so. Entertaining, but not special aside from Abyss’ crazy blade job. And to everyone who started chanting ECDUB just because Stevie Richards showed up. Stop. Please. Stevie worked for WWE longer than he worked for ECW. I know, I know, its Philadelphia and the legend will never die, etc. Let it go and move on. Chant for Stevie himself. He deserves it.

69 out of 100.

Vice: Abyss’ bladejob was pretty gruesome. Him bleeding all over the glass was a hell of a visual, as was the shot of the blood covered glass itself a few moments later. Oof. Abyss is willing to die for everybody’s entertainment. But unfortunately, they’re not entertained. So he is just dying. What’s wrong with this picture?

This was a pretty average brawl until Dr. Stevie came out, and then it all just became storyline advancement. I can see why it was done, but I didn’t like the direction it went in. Or the match as a whole. Whatever though. It did what needed to be done, I suppose.

Poor Abyss. Poor Morgan for being stuck in a feud with Abyss. Poor fans.

Matt Morgan over Abyss Following A Double Fisted Chokeslam On The Thumbtacks.
Segment 9 – Jarrett Is Dr. Controversial.

Cewsh: Everyone is very interested in whether or not Jeff Jarrett is turning heel tonight. I am too, I suppose, and it certainly seems like somebody is going to. Joe threatens to murder Jarrett if he turns heel. Not in so many words, but yeah. Serious business.

Segment 10 – TNA Knockout’s Championship – Awesome (…ly In Need Of A Change In Scenary) Kong © vs. Taylor (I’m The Lettuce On This BLT.) Wilde vs. Angelina (Best Ass Since Eeyore) Love.

Cewsh: We all know my feelings on women’s wrestling, yes? I’m rather harsh on it, in practice, though in favor of it in theory. We all know how I feel about the Knockout Division, yes? It started out great and is dogshit at the moment, despite the best efforts of the ladies involved? Alright good.

Now with that in mind, I liked this match. I did. Awesome Kong is the best bully heel not named The Big Show in wrestling right now, and watching her swat the two blondes like flies is enormously entertaining. The challengers put up a great fight, and there are some fantastic and enormous spots going on here that I never expected. From Kong doing a Swanton off the top rope, to Love tying Kong’s braids to the cage to take her out of the match, this thing is a study in pleasant surprises. It’s like they took the only 3 women in TNA with any chemistry and put them in a match together; resulting in something infinitely better than my expectations. The moves were crisp and well executed, the story was told well, all of the women did their very best to rock my socks off, and they succeeded.

The ending was a little, eh. It was a let down after a solid match, but it was definitely the right result. I’m excited about women’s wrestling in TNA for the first time since Gail Kim left. That’s TNA for you. Gems like this in the middle of an otherwise (so far) mediocre show.

75 out of 100.

Vice: The Knockout division had so much potential when it first started and was a delight to watch every week. Now it’s pretty terrible most of the time. Come back, Gail.

Ok, so, I didn’t pay a heck of a lot of attention to this match. Why? It’s a Knockouts match. Two things really stuck out though—firstly, Kong’s senton off the top rope. Like Angle whipping out the 450 for the first time a long while ago, I totally didn’t see this shit coming. The crowd went NUTS. Flying fat people = awesome.

The second thing is the finish. Kong is tied to the cage via her hair. Taylor Wilde walks over to her, Kong gives her a little kick to the gut and Taylor dies, allowing Angelina to capitalize. So, uh, what the fuck happened? Seemed extremely botched, or maybe I just wasn’t paying much attention because I was trying to imagine all of them looking like Daffney.

Fuck it. It’s the Knockouts, and Angelina won the title. That’s all that matters. She totally deserved it and was the perfect choice. Thank you TNA for not doing something completely stupid.

Angelina Love over Everyone Else Via A Rollup On Taylor Wilde.

Segment 11 – Team 3D And Some Douchebags.

Cewsh: Attention wrestling fans. If you ever get the chance to be in the background of a segment with some wrestlers, please do not make retarded hand gestures overtop of the wrestlers heads and yell “OH YEAH BABY!” louder than the wrestlers are talking. It makes you look like a complete douche. You have been warned.

Segment 12 – Philadelphia Street Fight – TNA World Tag Team Championships and IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Championships – Team 3(Tons)D © vs. Beer (Will Drown Our Sorrows After This Match) Money Inc. ©.

Cewsh: Hmm.

This is essentially a feud about Beer Money vs. The City of Philadelphia. Team 3D have crowned themselves the champions of Philadelphia and made an ENORMOUS deal out of it, with Brother Ray in particular actually alleging that Beer Money is going to DIE. Yes, that’s right. Cease to live. So yeah, there’s that. Also, bear in mind, this is a cage match where the door stays open. So…it’s a cage match where the cage is optional and ignored. That makes a ton of sense, seeing as its not like anyone bought this PPV to see cage matches anyway, right?

Vice: TNA Lockdown: The most violent, dangerous PPV in wrestling today. Every match is contested inside the steel cage. Unless you yell out “it’s going to be a street fight!!” the week before, and then the cage is simply optional. But every other match is in a steel cage! Brutal! Violent! Ouch!

The best part about this match was the ref locking the door right away after Tenay rambling on for 10 minutes about how the door was going to stay open the entire time. Great work. Otherwise, it was a decent match. I couldn’t really get into it, but Beer Money was really solid. Hopefully they won’t be breaking up anytime soon.

Whatev.

Cewsh: This match starts off with the four men entering the ring, and the ref locking them in. Wait, what? Almost as if someone yelled at him for being an idiot, he immediately opens it back up, allowing all four men to wander off through the stands punching each other. Generic punching ensues. The tables come out, which is good since the fans spent the entire match doing nothing but asking for it. D’Von goes through one. Looks pretty painful. The match gradually moves back into the cage with more brawling and an enormous Bubba Bomb off the top rope, that Roode sells like his ass explodes in midair. More brawling ensues. Team 3D definitely gets the better of it and the crowd goes absolutely bananas for them. They call for the tables, and the crowd loses their goddamn minds.

And then they start chanting “We want fire.” And I am instantly taken out of the whole match.

“We want fire.”? Seriously? The fire table spot is one of the most dangerous things in all of wrestling, even when done as safely as possible. To DEMAND that people set themselves on fire for your entertainment is so grossly fucked up and ridiculous that it turned me right off of this match, and this crowd, the second I heard it. The first time I laughed it off. The second time I washed my hands of these fans. This is why you can’t ever give fans what they really want. Because deep down, in their heart of hearts, some of them would like to pay to watch you die. Fucking disgraceful.

This match was a perfectly fine one, and the best that Team 3D has had recently by a country mile, but something felt missing for me, and not just because of the fans. The crowd was hot (firey?), the brawling was good, and Beer Money sold like absolute kings, but I think it was the inevitability that threw me. I knew who was winning this match. Its flagrantly obvious from the get go. So how am I supposed to get into it? My own fault I guess, another man might see more here than I did. But I didn’t see much.

64 out of 100.

Team 3D over Beer Money Inc. Following a 3D On Robert Roode Through A Table.
Segment 13 – The Mafia Present The Idea That They Are, In Fact, Faces.

Cewsh: It’s a pretty good argument too. Nash is coming back from a dangerous injury, Steiner needs to prove he isn’t washed up, Booker wants revenge on Styles, and Angle just wants what is best for his friends. Obviously they’re all evil bastards deep down, but in a debate, they’d be hard to argue with.

Segment 14 – The Lethal Lockdown Match – Team Jarrett (Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Chris Daniels) vs. Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash, and Booker T).

Cewsh: For those unaware, the Lethal Lockdown match is a regular cage match, where one man from each team begins. Every 5 or so minutes, one member from one of the teams comes down. In a match had on Impact, it was determined that Team Angle would get their guy in first, so that they have a one man advantage for nearly the whole match until the last man enters. After everyone is in, a ceiling is lowered on top of the cage with weapons hanging from it, and either team can win by pinning or causing to submit a member of the other team.

Whew. That was a mouthful.

Your first two entrants are Kurt Angle and Chris Daniels.

Vice: AAAAANGLE

DAAAAAAAANIEEEEEELS.

Cewsh: These two guys wrestling was essentially every smarks wet dream ultimate match way back in 2002 or so. Weird to think that we’re getting it now when it seemed so impossible then. What a difference a few years makes.

Vice: Not a fan of Daniels’ current facial hair, but he’s Daniels and thus awesome. Daniels and Angle work well together. Loved their match on Impact.

Cewsh: Daniels looks goofy, like he always has, but he’s so fluid and crisp in the ring. I know its popular to hate on his matches recently, and that’s fine, but he’s still very fun to watch, and I adore the man.

BOOKER T HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Vice: Daniels’ Koji Clutch is such an awesome move. I love it. I also love how Angle is already tapping, and Booker T is casually strolling to the ring. Not in a hurry, eh?

Cewsh: Booker T comes out in absolutely no hurry whatsoever. Not a good friend.

AJ STYLES HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Vice: STYYYYLES. Amazing bastard. I’m sorry—PHENOMENAL bastard. He and Daniels were such a fantastic tag team, and it’s good to see them doing some team work from them.

Cewsh: AJ comes out, to slightly new music, and runs to the ring to help Daniels. GOOD friend. Styles and Daniels working together makes me incredibly wistful for their days as a tag team. I would love to see them pair up again.

SCOTT STEINER HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Vice: Frankensteiner! Fuck yes! Seriously, Steiner is so underrated as both a wrestler and a character. But more-so as a wrestler. The dude really isn’t bad at all. Sure he won’t be able to wrestle a 20 minute match against a speedy little rascal, but in multi-men matches and 8-10 minute regular matches he’s pretty good.

Cewsh: Steiner just starts mugging Styles and Daniels. A top rope suplex, a Frankensteiner, and more awesomeness, as Steiner contributes to my building love of him. Steiner is awesome.

Vice: Booker T doing push-ups with Steiner. Ahaha.

SAMOA JOE HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Cewsh: Or has he? They show Joe talking to someone unseen in the back, seemingly getting instructions. That’s awfully, awfully mysterious. Hmm…

Vice: Joe has a towel over his head in the back and is talking to someone. Ominous.

Cewsh: Joe starts destroying everyone with some vicious T-Bone suplexs and ramming them into the cage. He’s such a convincing killer, even if he does look like he just came from a 4 year old’s birthday party in his pajamas.

KEVIN NASH HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Cewsh: Nash enters and is immediately annihilated by Samoa Joe. Not very nice, Joe. He was injured you know.

Vice: Nash should break every bone in his body and come out the following week dressed as a Storm Trooper.

JEFF JARRETT HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Vice: The top of the cage lowers. Is AJ going to die again?

Yes. Fucking OW.

Cewsh: Kurt Angle, almost immediately, climbs on top of the cage. AJ follows. I spend the next full minute sweating bullets, praying that they survive. Angle, in a moment of brilliance, goes back into the ring, sealing the top of the cage away from Styles, trapping him on top. Rather than find a SENSIBLE way out of this, Styles proceeds to leap high into the air and BREAK TRHOUGH THE CAGE, falling all the way to the unforgiving canvass below. Fucking OUCH.

Cewsh: Yuh oh, Jarrett hits Joe with a chair by accident. Seeds being planted?

Cewsh: FINISHER WAR! RAWR!

[about two hours before we watched this match]

Envious Vice: OOOH OOOH, I know how this is going to go.

DashboardFonz: QUIET YOU.

Envious Vice: I don’t know how it actually goes, but I can take a guess here.

Envious Vice: People question Jarrett’s loyalty before the match.

Envious Vice: During the match, Jarrett has a chance to SWEEERVE.

Envious Vice: But wait, he SWEEERVES THE SWERVE and is a good guy after all!

Envious Vice: The faces hug each other and rejoice.

DashboardFonz: Ahahaha, yep.

Envious Vice: Then two weeks from now Jarrett goes heel.

Cewsh: As if by magic, Jarrett grabs a guitar. WHAT WILL HE DO?! Not turn heel, that’s what. He trucks Booker with it, ending the evilness speculation. Bit anticlimactic in this match, really, as it seems like an afterthought in a match full of wackiness.

Vice: Enjoyable match. Not amazingly memorable, but I really liked it.

Cewsh: This match, like all of these matches, is a bloody brawl, and a huge clusterfuck, with one spot that really stands out, and the rest of the time is a great deal of milling about trying not tio trip over the other 9 guys in the ring. They’re never great matches, but this one was good, and I really have no complaints about it whatsoever. No real compliments either. It was simply pretty good.

What happened after the match however…

70 out of 100.

Steam Jarrett over Ream Angle Following A Guitar Shot On Booker T.
Post Match:

Vice: Post-match, Bobby Lashley shows up. This was spoiled for me, and I’m also not a big fan of the guy.. but the way it all went down, fuck me if I wasn’t marking out. Really curious to see what happens with him.

Cewsh: Post match the greatest thing in the history of the world that has ever happened in the history of ever happens. The lights go off. Heavy music hits. And out from the back walks BOBBY MOTHERFUCKING LASHLEY MOTHERFUCKERS! WOOOO! LASHLEY IS BACK TO KILL EVERYONE! THE GREAT FUCKING WRESTLER EVER IS BACK AND ITS AMAZING! THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN AND HE DOES LOVE ME! I”M GOING TO BUY A CHURCH TOMORROW AND PREACH TO PEOPLE ABOUT THE GLORIES OF GOD WORKING THROUGH BOBBY MOTHERFUCKING LASHLEY! FUCKING SHITFUCK CUNTMAP HABERDASHERLICKING MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!

Ahem. Bobby Lashley, formerly of the WWE, and currently of the world of mixed martial arts, comes onto the stage and points at all of then men assembled in it. Kurt Angle looks incredibly excited, Scott Steiner looks confused, and Jeff Jarrett looks like someone just murdered his puppy and is humping the corpse on stage. Which is sad really, because he should really be more excited. Why, you ask?

BECAUSE ITS MOTHERFUCKING BOBBY MOTHERFUCKING LASH MOTHERFUCKING LY MOTHERFUCKERS AND HE”S COME BACK TO RIP MOTHERFUCKING FACES OFF OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS AND ITS SO FUCKING AWESOME THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHERS FACE JUST MELTED BUT THAT’S OKAY BECAUSE LASHLEY’S SO FUCKING AWESOME HE COULD FUCKING GROW HER ANOTHER ONE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! YEAH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

*Editor’s Note: It is at this point that Cewsh jumped 3 feet directly into the air in joyous celebration. Unfortunately, our ceilings are only 8 feet high, so he is in bed nursing a concussion. He has already named the concussion of his brain tissue “Lil’ Lashley” and frequently discusses it “Beating John Cena this time.” If this means anything to you, then please offer your sympathies. The rest of this review has been transcribed by more capable minds. Please enjoy.

Segment 15 – Some Mime Promos. Then Some Hobo Does.

Cewsh: Sting has an interview. Then Mick has an interview. Both lacked Lashley. Couldn’t be bothered to pay attention in this new, Lashley-centric universe. Seemed good though.

Segment 16 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting (…’s To Not Be As Good As Bobby Lashley) © vs. Mick (Probably Had Lunch With Bobby Lashley Once) Foley.

Cewsh: Ahem, alright. Have to get back to top reviewing form. This is the main event after all, and a compelling match without a doubt. This feud has essentially seen Mick Foley dissolve into madness. Touched off by misunderstood words from Sting about Mick being done as a wrestler, this feud has transformed Mick Foley from the happy go lucky office guy to the insane, bloodthirsty Cactus Jack. Yes, I know we’ve seen it before, but never going quite so far into the dark side. Never delving quite so deeply into what motivates the insanity. Never being quite so effective at making me believe that Mick Foley actually wishes Sting a great deal of serious harm. I am sold on this match and this feud. Sold 1,000%.

Please don’t let me down, guys. I haven’t wanted a TNA main event to be good this badly since Kurt Angle faced Samoa Joe last year at this very event.

The match begins with their entrances and introductions. Then the referee makes Mick hand his barbed wire baseball bat to a camera man (remember that for later kiddies), and the match begins. Chronicling the entire match would honestly take a better reviewer than I. When it comes to down and dirty brawls, I’m just not so good at transcribing them. Its not that there isn’t an art to them, because there certainly is, but its just, I think, that matches like this are all about just beating on each other, and tend to more or less throw conventional storytelling out the window in favor of barbaric imagery. That’s perfectly fine, and it certainly doesn’t hurt the match at all, but its hard to do play by play for a match that features 7,416 punches and kicks, and then some finishers, you know? I’ll sum up the match as best as a I can, but none of those overly flowery write ups this week. It just doesn’t fit.

So suffice to say that there was much kicking and punching going on for a while, until finally they reached that point in matches like this where finshers are used, but it, in no way, results in anything approaching the end of the match. See, because in heated brawls, there’s too much adrenaline for one move to keep you down for long enough. Or so the idea goes, as I understand it. Anyway, the story of the match is that Foley is abusing his power as the owner (wink, wink) of the company by adding stipulations as he goes, and bullying the refs and the camera man (remember him?) into doing his bidding. Eventually in comes the barbed wire baseball bat, and, as you might expect, Foley tries his best to cripple himself with it. Lots more fighting, fighting, fighting, until finally it all comes down to both men trying to escape the cage at the same time. One man drops to the floor and is declared the victor. Hurrah!

This was a good brawl. Not really sure what to say about the match itself. It was good. For recent TNA main events, that’s like saying that its Bobby Lashley vs. Bobby Lashley in a Bobby Lashley on a pole match by comparison.

78 out of 100.

Vice: What Cewsh said.

I’d also like to add that the finish was horrendously anticlimactic, considering what the story had been building up to.

Foley winning the title is not what I was expecting (before Sparky spoiled it for me… 🙂 ), and what’s to follow is certainly interesting. It could either be amazing or FUCK. EVERYTHING. UP. AND MAKE MONTHS AND MONTHS OF STORYLINE MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Could be amazing though. A year ago, I’d be incredibly optimistic. Now.. not so much.

Mick Foley over Sting Following His Escape Of The Cage.
Post Match Thoughts:

Cewsh: So Mick Foley is the new champion. Man is that NOT what I expected to be the end of the massive “Sting as champion” storyline that has been going since Bound For Glory. Mick Foley is both the owner of TNA and its champion. Who would have predicted this a year ago? No sane person, including Mick Foley, I assume. I have no idea where they’re going with this, and I don’t want to rush to judgment, but yeah. This is absolutely surreal.

————————————————-
Cewsh’s Contraption:

Cewsh: Well this was an odd show. Nothing was really all that bad, even if the first women’s match was as meaningless as nipples on a cockroach. Nothing was superb either. Everything was pretty good, or at least decent. I’m not sure if this is an improvement over the usual TNA formula of providing 7 terrible matches and 2 fantastic ones, if that, but I certainly can say that it was something. Something? Something.

LASHLEY! MOTHERFUCKING WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cewsh’s Final Score: 65.625 out of 100.
Vice’s Vittles:

Vice: It was a decent showing from TNA this month. There weren’t a whole lot of tremendously shitty matches and segments this time around, but nothing was crazy good. I will say this though—Impact was fantastic and sold me on watching Lockdown (even though I’m forced to anyway), and Lockdown did juuuuuuust enough to make me consider tuning into the next Impact. TNA has pretty much mastered the before-PPV Impact, now they need to master the after-PPV Impact, so that if you actually bought the event you wouldn’t feel like you wasted a lot of precious money.

Enjoyable, but not very memorable outside of two or three things.

Vice’s Final Score: 59 out of 100.

Alrighty boys and girls, barring future appearances in my everyday life by Bobby Lashley, we’ll be back on Tuesday morning, with a delicious, heaping spoonful of your sugar filled, fiber friendly, Cewsh Reviews… Team. If I’m not greatly mistaken, we’ll be serving up a great big bowl of WWE Backlash 2009 for you to sample at your leisure. But no bananas on top. There are no bananas allowed in Cewsh Reviews… Headquarters. Long story involving a cactus, a penguin, and a lightsabre. Anyway, until next time, dear readers, kept reading, and be good to each other!

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