Monthly Archives: April 2009

WWE Backlash 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE BACKLASH 2009

Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another emotionally stirring installment of Cewsh Reviews…  It seems like only 3 weeks ago that we reviewed a WWE PPV (Hmm, actually…) but here we are again, to review another show from the biggest professional wrestling company in the known universe.  Since our last WWE review, the annual Draft has come along and shaken everything up good and proper, and this show, Backlash 2009, is here to end the Wrestlemania feuds (for the most part), and to be the official end of the past year.  Following this show, the landscape will be widely changed, and we will have the foundation upon which the next year will be built.  Can you feel the excitement? Can you feel the intensity?  Can you feel the adrenaline?  Can you feel the love tonight?  Tonight?  It is where we are?  It’s enough for this wide-eyed wanderer?  That we got this far? 

One day, perhaps we will do a review using nothing but songs and dialogue from the Lion King.  But that day is not today.  Sadly.

And without any further ado, onwards the review!

Segment 1 –  OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh:  This video package was amazing.

Vice made a point about how it was similar to a TNA video package, with the epic narration, movie like background music, and promo cut ins, but the similarities also clearly mark out the differences in quality.  While TNA’s video packages come off as repetitive doing the same EPIC videos before every show, the unique use here for WWE really makes the entire show seem absolutely emotional and intense.  This show is all about vengeance (unlike Vengeance, which is all about puppies), and they did a fantastic job of showing that and hyping me up.  Well done WWE production crew as always.

Segment 2 – ECW Championship – Jack (And the MEANstalk) Swagger ©  vs.  Christian (Its Still Better Than TNA).

Vice:  SWAGGER!  This is a pretty cool…

(Editor’s Note:  It is at this point in the review that Vice was stolen by the Midgar Zolom.  He should have known better than to attempt to review without a chocobo.  He will be gracefully replaced by the lovely Ms. Cewsh.)

Ms. Cewsh:  Swagger doesn’t wrestle my style of match. He seems good at what he does, but “real” wrestling never works for me. Example, Swagger gives Christian some sort of bear hug. I’m sure it’s actually painful in real life, but this is a sport where Mark Henry routinely stands on people’s chests. A bear hug just doesn’t look…impressive.

I do really love Christian, though, and thus the match is perfectly serviceable, if a bit overlong. (Can someone recommend good synonyms to “overlong”; because this is not the last match I’ll need one for.)

2 ½ rambunctious (seriously, she tormented Cewsh through the entire show) kitties out of 5.

Cewsh:  This is the match that has been getting built to ever since Christian debuted in ECW months ago, and they already had a match on the ECW television program, that people have been calling an early match of the year candidate.  Opening this show, which only has 6 matches scheduled on it, is a big responsibility for these guys, and especially for a rookie like Swagger.  Can they handle the pressure and put on a show stealing match?

Um.  Yeah.  They can.

As the match begins, Swagger, true to his name, is all about brash confidence, as he muscles Christian all over the mat with his amateur wrestling skills, and the proceeds to bully him all over the place with power moves, including a press slam to the floor over the turnbuckle.  People often forget, but Jack Swagger is about 6 foot 4, and a big muscular guy, so this match was essentially built on him just bullying Christian around like a fat kid at daycare, and Christian trying his best to avoid getting destroyed.  As the match progresses, I noticed an interesting aspect to Swagger’s in ring style, and perhaps to his character as well.  In the match, Swagger would try for a power move, Christian would counter it, knocking Swagger off guard, but then Swagger would recover, and then doggedly try to hit the same move again.  I think it contributes to his brash, cocky character, in that he’s in such disbelief that someone could counter him, that he’s going to do the damn move again, just to make a point.  I really like that.  Assuming its intentional.

As the match progresses, Swagger starts to get frustrated with Christian, at one point even demanding that he give up, but Christian never quits, and he always has an answer for anything Swagger throws at him.  Nothing Swagger can do will keep Christian down, and he starts to get visibly unnerved at Christian’s resilience.  Then it’s a fast past charge downhill to the very amusing, and interesting finish, which seems to set up for a natural rematch between these two.  Judging by their first two matches, I have to say that I can’t wait to see it.

This match was an absolute joy to watch from start to finish.  From Swagger working over Christian with mat wrestling that Christian had no answer for, to Swagger absolutely punishing Christian with power moves, and just plain pushing him around with Christian refusing to quit either way, this was a star making performance for both men.  These two have chemistry that is just off the charts, and Swagger looks more and more like a future superstar every time I see him in the ring.  Christian, for his part, looks so much more focused and dedicated than he ever looked (or was allowed to look) in TNA, and has really settled in to the perfect style for himself.  For a lot of years he didn’t really have an identity with his ringwork, but now with the wily veteran, plucky babyface angle, he has really, surprisingly, found his niche at last.  Good for both men.  I’m definitely looking forward to seeing where things go from here.

76 out of 100.

Christian over Jack Swagger Following The Killswitch (Unprettier).
Segment 3 – Everybody Get Your Markout Boots On!

Cewsh:  Christian is backstage celebrating with his newly won belt,  (Whoops, spoilerz!) when he sees who else but his old buddy/brother depending on the day Edge.  Edge goes off on a tirade about how Christian must thinlk he’s better than Edge because he has a title and Edge doesn’t.  Christian wants to know what happened to Edge to turn him from “Sodas Rule!” to the bitter lunatic we know today, and Edge lays it all at the feet of John Cena, assuring Christian that he will be a fun guy again the second that he beats John Cena and gets his belt back.  Its okay readers, go ahead and clean out your pants at these two interacting.  We understand.

Segment 4 – Chris (Wishes Old Men Would Stop Riding Their Skateboards On the Sidewalk) Jericho  vs.  Ricky (The Wagon) Steamboat.

Cewsh:  It seems unbelievable that this match is even taking place. 

If you had told me a year ago that Ricky Steamboat was going to come out of retirement and not only wrestle at Wrestlemania against Chris Jericho (Cewsh Dream Match), but do it so well, and to such a great response that he would get a rematch at Backlash one on one with Jericho, that gets 15 minutes, then I would have slapped you upside of your ridiculous head and told you to go sit in the corner, where liars belong.  But lo and behold, here we are in 2009 enjoying Ricky “The Dragon” Steamboat’s long overdue farewell tour, and I really couldn’t be happier about it.

As for the match itself, it was everything you could really ask for.  Even if Steamboat does “still have it”, he’s very old, and has a tremendous amount of ring rust to work through, so there were times during the match where he seemed a little out of his depth against a world class performer like Jericho, and there were some botches and missteps, that could well be expected.  But in situations like this, its really not about what goes wrong in the match, its about what goes right, and what went right here was the atmosphere.  The fans were hot for Steamboat, and completely set against Jericho, and everyone seemed to be viewing it through the same eyes as I was, seeing Steamboat’s last match, and soaking it in.  The near falls were great, the finish was what it needed to be, and Steamboat got his last moment in the spotlight. 

Not many wrestlers get to leave the ring for good on their own terms to a standing ovation.  If this is the last time we see Steamboat, I will forever be grateful that he could have this moment, and that the fans, sometimes, genuinely appreciate greatness when they see it.  Thank you, Mr. Steamboat.  For everything.  Ride off into that rising sun and live on in my memories.

75 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh:  I wasn’t overwhelmingly positive about the Jericho/Legends match at Mania, but I’ll give the rematch credit. It was the match Jericho should’ve had the first time. Someone turned his speed back to normal, and while Steamboat looks like he struggles to keep up a bit, that makes significantly more sense than having one of the top talents bump in slow-mo. Speaking of Steamboat, with the bull stripped away, it’s clear the man is still very talented. I enjoyed his wrestling far more than I expected to.

Unfortunately, I’m still me, and I found the match a bit slow and dull. Significantly better than its predecessor, but still not my cup of tea.

2 ¾ kitties out of 5.


Chris Jericho over Ricky Steamboat Following the Walls of Jericho.
Segment 5 – Santino Has A Problem.

Cewsh:  A 7 foot Punjabi problem that like totally wants to make out with his twin sister and all that.  Is Santino gonna take that mess?  Hellllll no!  He’s gonna get all up in Khasizzle’s face like whoa and show him what a real man is talkin’ about!  And then his woman, that Beth bizzatch is all like, “Oh shit, I guess I’m a skanky ho and I be leavin’ yo ass.”  And then Santino’s like “Say whaaaaaaat?”

True story.

Segment 6 – CM (Cabinet Maker) Punk  vs.  (Co) Kane.

Cewsh:  Nowadays it really does seem kind of strange to see a singles match on a PPV with no stipulations, no gimmicks, and no real story.  The background they’re using to justify this match is that Kane is angry because Punk pushed him off the top of the ladder in the Money In The Bank match at Wrestlemania, and grabbed the briefcase, and that doesn’t sit well with the Big Red Monster.  Which isn’t a HUGE stretch, unless you consider that everyone else who had that happen to them in the match just let it go and moved on, in which case Kane looks like a huge crybaby.  Not that I’d say that to his face of course.  Just saying.

Anyway, the match starts and it just sort of…happens.  Punk is a very strong performer who connects with the fans very well, but he’s never seemed at home wrestling guys significantly bigger than he is, and Kane can still be a very entertaining performer when he’s motivated and has someone good to work with, but these two simply don’t have a lot of in ring chemistry.  They both try their best, and even have a few entertaining exchanges, but ultimately this match just winds up being tremendously forgettable.  Its pretty much filler on this card, and serves its purpose as such.

Both men are capable of better, but circumstances worked against them tonight.

63 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh:  Here’s a bit of insight into the Cewsh Reviews… making. When I’m involved, Cewsh and I watch the show on tv, (either live or via more nefarious means,) taking notes in real, honest to god, notebooks. Tonight, I had my (Hello Kitty) notebook propped up on a stack of old video game magazine.

I chose to read an old review of Tomb Raider, rather than watch this match.

1 ½ kitty.
Kane over CM Punk Following A Chokeslam.
Segment 7 – I Quit Match – Matt (Heel) Hardy  vs.  Jeff (Face) Hardy.

Ms. Cewsh:  I loved the Hardys’ Mania match, so I had exceptionally high hopes for this. I wasn’t overly disappointed.  Matt’s been on fire since his turn, and doing what I never thought possible: making Matt Hardy look like a badass. He’s just vicious.

Out of the ring, Jeff does something stupid and King comments that he frequently takes risks that hurt him more than his opponents. Someone read our WM25 review! Jeff gets tossed into the barricade, which looks legitimately brutal, and some little girl in the crowd starts shrieking like Matt boiled her pet bunny, or something. Speaking of while they’re out of the ring, Cewsh and I have determined the only possible way for this feud to go:

Cewsh: …and out from under then ring, the Boogeyman!

Ms.Cewsh: Aw, I was going to say Hornswaggle. A mysterious third Hardy!

Cewsh: So Findlay’s not really his…no wait, he’s everyone’s dad! Findlay Hardy.

Ms.Cewsh: And then everyone on the roster is actually a Hardy!

Cewsh: Kane Hardy…

Ms.Cewsh: Doesn’t make any less sense.

WWE, I know you’re reading this. I will take my position on the writing team now.

The match is good, but it’s clear what the crowd is waiting for. Jeff takes a beating for awhile, before going and getting the table.

Honestly, the end is the only disappointing part. Jeff lashes Matt to the table, before getting a ladder. He strips off his shirt, sending about a hundred young women in the first few rows through puberty, and then Matt begs his ass off. This is all good, except that Matt’s mic skills aren’t GREAT, but then Jeff doesn’t do a Swanton off the top of the ladder! Jeff missing the opportunity for a Swanton off the top of the ladder is like a summer without ice cream. It’s still summer, but it’s not reaching its full potential. (As an aside, I hate typing the word Swanton, because it’s not only the name of Jeff Hardy’s finishing move, but also my hometown, except the “ton” is pronounced like “Ms.Cewsh has a ton of fucking asides this time, because she wasn’t prepared at all for the is review.”)

I didn’t enjoy the match quite as much as the Mania match. 3 ¾ kitties instead.

Cewsh:  I don’t know how other people have been feeling about this feud so far, but I feel like its been nothing short of miraculous. 

Take both of these guys at the start of the year.  Jeff was the WWE champion, but had really nobody to face.  Matt was a midcard babyface as stale as month old bread.  Jeff had all the momentum in the world, but was just going to twiddle his thumbs until they brought over someone new for him to feud with, and Matt was just casually eeking out an existence as “the guy who has 15 minute undercard matches”.  Fast forward to now.  Matt Hardy is one of the most hated, and dynamic heels in wrestling, Jeff Hardy has more personality and mic skills than he has ever exhibited in his career, and as such is capable of being a true main eventer, and the feud only took 4 months to conclude.  Just amazing booking here, all the way through.

This match made me a little wary, though.  I’ve never seen an I Quit match that I thought actually worked out well, with the whole microphone thing really putting a damper on what they can do.  See, the WWE is all about impact finishers.  The Stunner, the Pedigree, the Tombstone, that’s the specialty that they focus on, and they matches themselves are frequently built upon setting up for impact finishers.  Here’s the problem, though.  How do you make a guy say the words “I Quit” if you knock him out?  You can’t.  So the entire match is crippled by the idea that neither man can win with the finish that everyone expects to end their matches.  Plus, the specter of the disgusting Mankind/Rock I Quit match hangs over the whole idea in my head.  So yeah, I had my doubts.

The match starts with Jeff coming out sans facepaint (serious business!), and just beating the everloving shit out of his brother.  I don’t think that Matt gets in so much as a punch in the first 5 minutes of this match, as Jeff gives him the chickenshit heel beating that the fans have been dying to see.  Of course the crowd sits on their hands and completely no sells the entire match, as they would continue to do throughout the night.  I truly don’t remember where they actually were tonight, but the crowd was packed with loud, obnoxious smarks all night.  Chanting smarkish chants, wearing smarkish pants, doing the smarkish dance.  But whenever they weren’t cheering the heels and booing the faces, they just sat quietly and sucked all the life out of all of the matches on the card (except for one, but we’ll get to that). 

As a result, the match just didn’t seem as special as it probably could, as the fans complete failed to respond to Jeff getting his revenge.  The brothers bust their asses for every inch of pop they can get though, with each man breaking out submissions they’ve never been seen with before, from the Figure Four (Matt) to the Texas Cloverleaf (Jeff), trying to make the other quit. 

The end of the match.  The end of the match was very interesting.  Jeff literally tied Matt to a table and set a ladder up next to him, and perched on top of it, ready to dive, while Matt begged and pleaded with him to “Think about our dead mom, she wouldn’t want you to do this!”  Just brilliant, brilliant heel work by Matt, pussying out of the end in an extremely satisfying way for Jeff.  The end was pretty much exactly what it needed to be, as far as the result go, and I have no complaints as they move away from each other off to different shows.  I hope to see this feud revisited someday down the line, but I am content with everything I got from it.  This wasn’t as good as their Wrestlemania match or their Smackdown Stretcher Match, but it was exactly what it needed to be.

78 out of 100.

Jeff Hardy over Matt Hardy Following Matt Quitting.
Segment 8 – The Man Has A Point.

Cewsh:  Orton is backstage and rather than talk about Triple H, he directs a few comments towards Batista about how he (Batista) is still doing Triple H’s dirty work after all these years since Evolution.  He actually makes some great points that would make me sit up and think if I were Batista, and it had a very Jake Roberts manipulation feel to it.

So okay, Batista: 

a)    Has a motive to turn heel.

b)    Has a top heel getting into his head and manipulating him.

c)    Has “accidentally” harmed his teammates recently.

If there was a heel turn playbook, they’d be following it page by page so far.

Segment 9 – The Real Punjabi Nightmare.

Cewsh:  Let’s go down the check list:

Man on woman violence?  Check.

Gay jokes galore?  Check.

A romantic entanglement featuring good ol’ JR?  Check.

The top women’s wrestler in the world losing a match to a cross dressing jobber?  Check.

Absurdity?  Double check.

This segment had all of those things, but oddly enough, I didn’t mind.  I even chuckled a few times at the absurdity of the whole thing.  We, as fans, can have a tendency to take wrestling a little too seriously sometimes, and as a result, I’m certain that reviewers all over the world are shitting on this segment to scattered applause from the internetz.  Not me.  I had fun with this match, and, aside from a few too many gay jokes for my taste, I found it entirely harmless.  All of the performers seemed to be having a ton of fun with it, especially Khali who has such a huge grin plastered on his face throughout, that its clear that he loves that this is what he does for a living.  I like to see entertainers enjoying entertaining.  And there’s nothing wrong with that.

Ms. Cewsh:  …What, we couldn’t make Santina a lesbian and have Mae Young out here?

Segment 10 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – The Legacy (of Kain)  vs.  Shane (Heel Turn) McMahon, Ba(Heel Turn)tista, and Triple (Heel Tu…wait, what?) H.

Cewsh:  Boy has this feud been a bone of contention between wrestling fans.

There are those who feel like the feud was disappointing and their Wrestlemania match was absolutely terrible and ruined the show (I.E. Everyone), and there are those who feel like this feud has been absolutely riveting for months and months now, and who would gladly watch 10,000 Triple H/Randy Orton matches (I.E. Me and conceivably Triple H and Randy Orton).  The two sides have gone back and forth ever since Wrestlemania, and on paper, this match certainly seemed ready made to reinforce the former’s opinion, with the seemingly ridiculous stipulation that in this 6 man tag match, if Legacy wins, Orton wins the championship, whereas if Team Triple H wins, then Triple H retains?  Why would Batista want Triple H to have the title?  Why would Shane care either way?  It seemed bound to become a mess.

It SEEMED that way.  Man, reality has a way of surprising you, doesn’t it?  This match was not only not a mess, it was easily the best 6 man tag match that I have ever seen.  I’m not a fan of tag team wrestling at all, which I think has been well documented.  I don’t like the style, I don’t like how formulaic the matches tend to be, and the more people you add to the tag match, the less I enjoy it.  So as you might expect, 6 man tag team main event matches rank right up there with Constipated Pig On A Pole matches for me.  So its even MORE impressive when such a match breaks through my pre-established doubts to be genuinely amazing.  And that’s exactly what this match did.

From Orton holding himself aside until just the right moment to enter the match, the Legacy showing some of the smoothest most effortless chemistry as a team that I have ever seen, to Batista and Shane McMahon of all people playing great babyfaces in peril.  This match was picture perfect in tone, atmosphere, and in the way it was wrestled and I was right along with it the entire way.  The ending was absolutely perfect, with the result that everyone and their mother was down on their knees (especially YOUR mother.  Oooooh!) begging for.  I honestly have nothing else to say.  This match was incredible, and everyone in it looked like an absolute god.  This match was so good, that I want to pay to see another Orton/Triple H match.  PAY.  I may be biased to start with, that don’t let that take away from the match.  It needs no bias.  It needs no introduction.  But it does need a rating.  So…

86 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Ms. Cewsh:  My dislike of Batista was covered in the SS ’08 review, so we’ll pass on that. What I do want to touch on is the way WWE wants fans to remember the company history, particularly Evolution. This was touched off by Christian/Edge after the first match. E&C split in ’01. Christian left the WWE in ’05. They have not interacted on screen in 4 years, haven’t been a tag team in 8, but I’m supposed to immediately recall their history the second they give us a little fan service.

In this match, they make much ado about Batista/Orton in Evolution. They make an even bigger fuss about Triple H/Orton in Evolution. Batista/Trips is completely glossed over, even when Batista gives Rhodes and Dibiase the thumbs down and Triple H cheers. Two huge former- rivals have forgotten where that symbol came from? Really?

Anyway, the match. Shane comes out, causing much confliction in me. On one hand, I really think the Legacy deserves to win. On the other, Shane’s “The Game, The Animal, The Money, The End of The Legacy” shirt is awesome and I would totally rock it. Then Batista comes out, and finally Triple H. The man does know how to make an entrance. In contrast, the Legacy comes out together, as a unit. I don’t know if that was intentional, but I really like the way it highlights the difference between the teams.

The match starts a little rough. Orton flees to the back, leaving Rhodes and Dibiase to fend for themselves. I think they’ve grown a lot, but they’re still not good enough for a main event match sans Orton. Luckily he returns and there’s a lot of brutalizing of both Batista and Shane. Triple H doesn’t even make it in the ring until the match is ¾ over.

I want to make note of something brilliant. I know, I rave a lot about Orton, but every time he tagged out, he made a point to lazily kick his opponent in the ribs. At one point he even went so far as to step on Batista on his way out. It was perfect body language to show how little regard he has for his opponents.

Of course, Triple H does finally get tagged in and pulls the classic babyface tag move of decimating everyone within a mile of the ring. The rest of the match in the ring was great. Out of the ring…I could’ve done with a shade fewer shenanigans. Batista chasing Priceless about distracted me from the match, but of course it was all setting up for the end.

*swoon*

It was also a bit overlong, especially the middle portion where Batista was getting bitched out for like 15 minutes. The post-match also dragged on for ages. Regardless,

4 ¼ kitties out of 5.
The Legacy over Team Triple H Following an RKO from Orton to Triple H.

Segment 11 – World Heavyweight Championship – Last Man Standing Match – John (At Least Cewsh Likes Me) Cena ©  vs.  (The) Edge.

Ms. Cewsh:  I previously mentioned how Cewsh and I review shows. I did not write a single note for this match. Normally, that would be a Very Bad Sign. It’s not.

This match was so amazing, so entertaining, and so perfect that I couldn’t bring myself to take my eyes off it for one second. I watched with rapt attention, and when it was over, I could’ve watched for 40 more minutes. It was beautiful.

It started with one of the best video packages I’ve seen. I was worried, though, because Cena didn’t really speak in it. Was he going to be as bland as usual?

No.

No, he wasn’t.

I’m not up on all this chemistry and psychology and meshing styles and all. I know what I think looks good, but I can’t tell you why. Cena looks good with Edge. He always does. They’re just great together, and this match was not the exception. For the love of all that is good, watch this match. There is nothing more to say.

5 kitties out of 5.

Cewsh:  Holy Christ, where to begin?

This is the premiere feud of our generation of wrestling.  You can make arguments for a few others here and there, good arguments even, but this is the money feud that will define this generation.  The top star of this era verses the greatest heel of the 2000s, and not only are they massively over, and tremendously talented, and have fantastic history together, but they have better chemistry together than any two WWE main eventers that I have ever seen.  Its one thing to have great matches sometimes with a few guys, and its entirely another for two great wrestlers to bring each other up to an entirely alien and incredible level each and every time they stand in a ring together.  Just seeing them stand side by side, you can almost see sparks flying with how tangible their chemistry is, and WWE has to be so grateful, but I’ve never seen anything like it.

You put Edge and John Cena in the ring together, and you get greatness.  Anytime, anyplace. 

I couldn’t even begin to tell you how this match was incredible.  How do you describe a match that takes 3 weeks of weak build, a momentumless and bland Cena, and turns it into the most compelling match that has been wrestled this year?  I don’t know, guys.  I just don’t have the words.  I have never been speechless, but that’s what I am.  I will give this match the greatest compliment that I have to bestow.  I can’t remember the last time I said this about a match, but I wanted to be there.  This match didn’t get a perfect score, and if it did not then I truly have no idea what possibly ever could.  I truly do not.

I want to be more specific about the actual content of the match, but I don’t think I can possibly do it justice.  It’s a 40 minute match filled with enormous spots, a million near finishes, and the most impressive finish of the year by far.  I can’t be more specific than that, and I shouldn’t have to.  You should already be downloading this.  Treasure it for yourself.

97 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.


Edge over John Cena Following Big Show Chokeslamming Cena Through A Light Fixture.
———————————————————————-
Cewsh’s Conclusion:

Cewsh:  Man, what a show. 

Punk/Kane definitely brought the show’s overall score down, since there were only 6 matches, but it still had enough juice to be one of our highest rated shows ever from where I’m sitting, and it deserved every point.  On paper this show looked like an afterthought, and a show I barely considered worth watching.  Suffice to say that I have learned my lesson about assuming.

If only for the main event and nothing else, this is a must see show.  A MUST see.  As in, fucking go see it right now motherfuckers.

Cewsh’s Final Score:  79 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Purr:

Ms. Cewsh:  Cewsh asked me if I wanted to do Backlash for you guys, and I just looked at him like he was crazy. Swagger/Christian? Punk/Kane?! The Khali Kiss Cam?! A 40 min. LAST MAN STANDING MATCH?!?! Are you even kidding me? This is not the PPV for me.

I was very, very wrong. I am humbled. Contrite, even. I’m sorry. This was half the segments of Mania, but twice the show.

Sure, there was one clunker match, and the Kiss Cam was pretty…eh. But overall, it was something very special with endings that deserve to be talked about for years.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score:  66.667 out of 100.

Alright boys and girls, your friendly neighborhood Cewsh Reviews… Team will hopefully be back next Tuesday, and a tad bit more on time this time, barring anyone else coming down with SuperAIDS or getting stolen by that dastardly Midgar Zolom.  We’re proud to say that our next review will now actually be for WWE or TNA, or even a Japanese promotion, but will instead focus on the American Independent scene, with our review of IWA:EC’s A Need For Blood.  Why that show, you might ask?  Well we like to give attention to young up and comers, we like to give back to the wrestling community, oh, and there’s a barbed wire, light tube rope death match.  Oh yeah.  You’ll want to tune in.  Until then, remember to keep reading, and be good to each other!

TNA Lockdown 2009

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…


TNA LOCKDOWN 2009

Welcome cats and kittens, to yet another installment of Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a special treat for you, assuming, of course, that you consider a special treat to be essentially the same thing you get every Tuesday. If that is the case, then I have no doubt that you will deliriously happy as we review TNA’s Lockdown 2009! TNA has had a run of some of the most abysmal shows that we have ever borne witness to, and while I have been duped by this in the past, (read every other TNA review for evidence of me making excuses for TNA, like an abused spouse,) this show legitimately seems to have potential.

Will we be fooled again? Only time, and the wise Cewsh, will tell.

You may have noticed, for the record, that this edition of everyone’s favorite review is a day late. If you noticed that, then perhaps you can notice deez. Deez what, you ask? Mr. Deez. My diminutive landlord. I never see him coming, and he’s always hassling me. Could really use some help with that. No? Fair enough then. Onwards the mighty review!

Segment 1 – Pre Show Shenanigans – (Dangerous To Himself and Others) Danny Bonaduce vs. Eric (Why Did I Get Chosen For This?) Young.

Cewsh: Alright, before we get to the match itself, first we need to cover the fact that this match is happening at all. See, tonight they’re in Philadelphia for the PPV, and Bonaduce (originally from Philly) has recently returned with his radio show from California. Bonaduce, seeing this as publicity to help advertise his show, and TNA, seeing this as a good way to rouse up local interest in the show, made a no brainer match. When you consider that Bonaduce actually has been trained to some degree and was on the Celebrity Championship Wrestling reality show, if ever a celebrity match made simple sense, this is it.

Now, with that said, they could have chosen practically anyone to have a match with him. Most of the TNA roster is experienced and safe in the ring, capable of a carry job, and you could have some fun with a few different guys by putting them up against Bonduce, seeing as he’s both a huge face and a huge heel every day of his life. They could choose anyone to be in this high profile match, giving that wrestler some credibility, and some great momentum and promotion via Bonaduce’s radio show hyping that guy up.

Of course, TNA being TNA, they chose Eric Young and turned him heel. Except not.

See, in order to hype this match, they did exactly one total promotional promo. Young showed up at Bonaduce’s studio and slapped him in the face. So he’s the heel right? And then Bonaduce shows up at the arena, on a motorcycle, getting the hero’s welcome, and delivers a respectful promo about how he just wants to try his best and do as good as he can. And then, Young comes out looking all heelish and bullies Bondauce around a bit. Then, they have a little back and forth match which is perfectly serviceable, with Bonaduce playing the plucky babyface. And then, following the match’s conclusion, Young shakes Bonaduce’s hand, and then Bonaduce jumps him and threatens to kill him with nunchucks. Um…okay. That makes sense.

Did I say sense? I meant “Me cry.”

52 out of 100.

Eric Young over Danny Bonaduce Following A Rollup.

Cewsh: Post match Rhino shows up out of nowhere and Gores the beejesus out of Bonaduce, sending him flying into the cage. Fuck’s sake. That looked great, but I still don’t know who I’m supposed to be cheering for here. Rhino? Ha. Nice try.

Let me say right now, as well, that I forsee this being the beginning of an ongoing partnership between Bonaduce and TNA. He likes to wrestle, they like celebrities, and this match absolutely felt much more like a high profile tryout match than a one off celebrity match. Ms. Cewsh mentioned it first, but it seems fairly clear at this point. Bonaduce vs. Rhino at the next show. I called it here.

Segment 2 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!

Cewsh: Smashing Pumpkins ~ Bullet With Butterfly Wings.

Oh yeah, I used to love that song.

When I was twelve.

This video is cool enough, and Billy Corgan himself shows up to lend it credence, but yeah. Didn’t Billy Corgan release any cools songs after this one? Oh, no he didn’t? Hmm. Well fair enough then.

Segment 3 – X-Scape Match –TNA X Division Championship – Jay (Don’t Eat the Black Nachos, Kids) Lethal vs. Ki (You Would Think that Low Ki + Yoshi Would Be Cooler Than This) Yoshi vs. Consequences (Of Failure Are Deadly) Creed vs. Sheik (I Thought I Was Done Having To Come Up With Nicknames For You) Abdul Bashir vs. (Career) Suicide ©.

Vice: TNA has a very large crowd tonight in Philly. That’s good to see, and hopefully they’re hot. And not morons.

Suicide has thick gloves, so his hands look very large. I was very fixated on them throughout the match. The match was a pretty good way to kick off the show. It wasn’t a great match by any means (or even good or.. decent), but it did its part and was clearly the match they should have opened the show with.

Bashir dropkicking the cage door to try to escape was really awesome. It’s one of those spots you don’t see coming, and for that split second you’re thinking it could be the finish. Very well done.

What a ridiculously amazing ending to the match. He wins the title by jumping off the Ultimate X structure, and then retains the title by jumping off the cage. He’s a crazy human being. Perhaps that’s why his name is SUICIDE? And who is SUICIDE? Still, I fucking love his PPV match booking. It’s perfect for his character. Wait, did I just say that something in TNA is perfect?

Fuck.

Cewsh Notes:

– Alright, the idea here is that this match is elimination rules. Meaning that whenever anyone gets pinned or submits, they are eliminated from the match, until the last two, who will vie to escape the cage instead. Everybody good on that? This is downright simple for a TNA gimmick match.

– This crowd is legitimately huge for TNA. Its not near a regular WWE crowd, but for TNA it looks absolutely enormous. Maybe their biggest ever.

– This is basically two tag teams (Lethal Consequences and Bashir and Kiyoshi) and Suicide.

KIYOSHI HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY JAY LETHAL.

CONSEQUENCES CREED HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR.

– The crowd seems completely disinterested in this match. The only noise I heard all match was booing for Suicide. If fans in Philadelphia can’t be bothered to make noise for your match, either the match sucks, or they have no idea who the people in it are. Or both.

JAY LETHAL HAS BEEN ELIMINATED BY SHEIK ABDUL BASHIR.

– Suicide’s moveset was so cool looking when he first debuted, but now he seems to have stopped doing ANY of those moves. I know the mask has hidden a variety of different people, but seriously. He doesn’t even seem like the same character anymore.

– I take it back. Utterly amazing ending to this match. Seriously. One of the cooler visuals you’ll see this year, as Suicide leaps off the top of the cage to the outside and lands on a bunch of poor dudes. Awesome, awesome visual there.

This match was honestly very boring and formless for the majority. The end was great, and there were a few fun moves here and there, but it was remarkably vanilla for a cage match or an X Division match. Everyone was going at half speed here, just waiting to set up Suicide for his big moment. It really hurt the match, and kind of killed the crowd out of the gate, until the jump revived them.

68 out of 100.

Suicide over Everybody Else Following His Escape From the Cage.
Segment 4 – Christopher Daniels Has Style.

Cewsh: The story of the night seems to be that nobody can find Jeff Jarrett or Samoa Joe anywhere, and that everyone is nervous that they will not show up for the Lethal Lockdown match. Here, Styles and Daniels tell everyone that they, at least, are on the same page, and that they don’t really care who else shows up. There’s some foreshadowing a’brewin’ here boys and girls, but which door is hiding the heel turn? We’ll just have to see…

Segment 5 – Queen of the Cage Match – Madison (Alleged Beautiful Person) Rayne vs. Sojo (Thank Fuck They Shortened Her Name) Bolt vs. Daffney (Pending Restraining Order For Vice) vs. O (Oak) D (Dishwasher) B (Butter).

Vice: DAFFERS! What a fucking entrance by her. Her butt is just absolutely lovely (along with the rest of her, but her butt was like HEY VICE) and her screams seriously melt my heart. I absolutely love this woman. And yes, I can understand people not finding her attractive when she’s wearing 6 pounds of makeup and making silly faces, but THAT IS HER FUCKING CHARACTER. When Daffers is just Daffers, she’s fucking amazing.

If I don’t have much to say about this match, it’s probably because I’m masturbating quite furiously, almost to the point where I could conceivably start a fire.

Moving on….

Cewsh: Alright, aside from Daffney, who, as a fop to my colleague, I must admit is somewhat attractive, and is certainly the most dynamic character currently in this women’s division; there is nobody here who has one iota of momentum or interest at present. You have ODB, who had a dating show from which we got Cody Deaner ,who is fantastic, but she’s lost too many times to have any meaningful momentum. We have Bolt, who hasn’t made an appearance on television since being Kong’s bitch. And then we have Rayne, who is the resident jobber for the Beautiful People. Calling this the “Queen of the Cage” match is nice, but there’s no prestige here. Nothing to really be fighting for. Nobody in this division other than the champion and the number 1 contender ever have any direction at all, and even those rarely do.

Also, while I’m not the fashion consultant of our little gang here, Sojo Bolt looks fucking ridiculous. Zebra print? Really? Even people with shag carpets and lava lamps think that looks tacky.

Anyway, this match happens. And then it ends. Such is life. Daffney looked good. That’s about it.

37 out of 100.

ODB over Everyone Else Following A Powerslam On Sojo Bolt.
Segment 6 – IWGP Jr. Tag Team Championships – The Motor City (Recession Proof) Machine Guns © vs. NO (…body Watching This Knows Who You Are) LIMIT vs. LAX (Attitude Towards Hygiene).

Cewsh: First of all, these are the JUNIOR HEAVYWEIGHT titles. How many cheeseburgers over the weight limit do you think that Hernandez is? Tenay and West try to sell some story about how the Junior Heavyweight Division in NJPW is the “equivalent” of the X Division. So, since the X Division has no weight limit, its okay for TNA guys to compete for the “equivalent” championships WHILE WRESTLING ON A TNA SHOW. If that makes sense to you, then please send an email to “Friends For Vince Russo*”. Pen pals make widespread hatred more bearable.

Aside from that annoying point, this match is essentially what the X Division title match should have been. Fast paced, fun moves, solid story, and, basically, nonstop action. Hernanadez throwing around X Division guys is one of the purest joys in wrestling right now, as he’s just so great at throwing everyone around like ragdolls and looking like a beast. The Guns make everything look good, of course, so they hold things together, and NO LIMIT certainly hold up their end, even if nothing they did is particularly memorable.

All in all a good match. The first one, really. Here’s hoping for more to come.

72 out of 100.

*Note: Obviously Vince Russo does not handle booking decisions like this, and we here at Cewsh Reviews are fully aware of that. My joke was just funnier that way.

Vice: What a ridiculous spot match. Flowed very well. Very smooth. I don’t think I saw one spot that was obviously set up with someone waiting for another person, and the ENTIRE MATCH was spots. So, that was pretty cool. Yeah, that’s called working a good spotfest. Not many wrestlers can do that. You almost always have weird down time and ridiculous set ups that you can see coming from a mile away. It was good to see the Guns retain in this match. I didn’t think No Limit would take the titles back, but ya never know.

I enjoy No Limit, but I’m also not completely sold on them. Something about them makes me not give much of a shit about them. Shame, really. Maybe I just need to see more of them. LAX is awesome as always, even if Hernandez (who is twice the size of every other person in this match) is going for a JUNIOR tag title. Somehow this makes sense in TNA-land and I might have tried defending this when I truly enjoyed the product, but now I’m just going to giggle and say this was a good, fun match.

This was a good, fun match.

The Motor City Machine Guns over Everyone Else Following A Made In Detroit.
Segment 7 – Lauren and Abyss Sitting In A Studio. P-R-O-M-O-I-N-G.

Cewsh: Lauren is concerned for Abyss’ safety in his match tonight. Abyss is insane. Healthy relationship.

Segment 8 – DOOMSDAY CHAMBER OF BLOOD AND RAWR! – Matt (I Can Be Main Event Nows?) Morgan vs. (Fat Kane) Abyss.

Cewsh: In order to win this match, you have to make your opponent bleed. So yes, it’s a first blood match. Except wait! The match isn’t over when your opponent bleeds. You’re just not ALLOWED to pin him until AFTER he’s been busted open. You following? Only bloody people can be pinned. Also, DOOMSDAY. DOOMSDAY!

I really like Matt Morgan. He has tremendous mic skills, a fantastic look, and good presence. He’s still a little green in the ring, and is still learning how to use his body to be an effective big man, but his potential shines through every time I see him. That said, this feud is killing him. He’s doing well in it, so is Abyss, and Stevie Richards is always fun, but Abyss feuds are momentum killers like nothing else. They’re always super drawn out, the matches are always barbaric and insane, and Abyss ALWAYS steals the show by dying in every match. Nobody gets over in these things, except for Abyss, and he can’t use the momentum to go anywhere, because his gimmick has him chained to the upper midcard. He needs to escape as soon as possible, and hopefully after this he can move on.

As the match begins, Morgan busts Abyss open almost immediately, and Abyss does a blade job that can only be described as grisly. Blood starts absolutely cascading down on his outfit and the mat, and even all over Morgan, and before long, he looks like Manic Santa Claus. Morgan, for his part, plays up the heel role here, but as usual Abyss is the story as his crazy blood loss soaks everything. Finally, Abyss returns the favor and busts Morgan open, but not before the referee gets absolutely murdered by Morgan coming off the top rope. Like seriously. He gets obliterated. Shenanigans ensue as the cage opens for a new referee to run in, and Abyss takes the opportunity to go outside and grab some thumbtacks. Dr. Stevie comes out to stop him, and OMFGLOLZCATS it was Stevie Richards the whole time! Tenay and West absolutely lose their minds over this fact, and that we’re finally seeing his face. …even though we already saw it when he jumped Abyss in the most recent video segment. Whoops.

Anyway, Stevie wants Abyss to stop using weapons, and when Abyss tries to do it anyway, Stevie slaps him around a bit until Morgan swoops in and gives Abyss a huge double fisted chokeslam on the tacks.

This match was brutal, but not memorably so. Entertaining, but not special aside from Abyss’ crazy blade job. And to everyone who started chanting ECDUB just because Stevie Richards showed up. Stop. Please. Stevie worked for WWE longer than he worked for ECW. I know, I know, its Philadelphia and the legend will never die, etc. Let it go and move on. Chant for Stevie himself. He deserves it.

69 out of 100.

Vice: Abyss’ bladejob was pretty gruesome. Him bleeding all over the glass was a hell of a visual, as was the shot of the blood covered glass itself a few moments later. Oof. Abyss is willing to die for everybody’s entertainment. But unfortunately, they’re not entertained. So he is just dying. What’s wrong with this picture?

This was a pretty average brawl until Dr. Stevie came out, and then it all just became storyline advancement. I can see why it was done, but I didn’t like the direction it went in. Or the match as a whole. Whatever though. It did what needed to be done, I suppose.

Poor Abyss. Poor Morgan for being stuck in a feud with Abyss. Poor fans.

Matt Morgan over Abyss Following A Double Fisted Chokeslam On The Thumbtacks.
Segment 9 – Jarrett Is Dr. Controversial.

Cewsh: Everyone is very interested in whether or not Jeff Jarrett is turning heel tonight. I am too, I suppose, and it certainly seems like somebody is going to. Joe threatens to murder Jarrett if he turns heel. Not in so many words, but yeah. Serious business.

Segment 10 – TNA Knockout’s Championship – Awesome (…ly In Need Of A Change In Scenary) Kong © vs. Taylor (I’m The Lettuce On This BLT.) Wilde vs. Angelina (Best Ass Since Eeyore) Love.

Cewsh: We all know my feelings on women’s wrestling, yes? I’m rather harsh on it, in practice, though in favor of it in theory. We all know how I feel about the Knockout Division, yes? It started out great and is dogshit at the moment, despite the best efforts of the ladies involved? Alright good.

Now with that in mind, I liked this match. I did. Awesome Kong is the best bully heel not named The Big Show in wrestling right now, and watching her swat the two blondes like flies is enormously entertaining. The challengers put up a great fight, and there are some fantastic and enormous spots going on here that I never expected. From Kong doing a Swanton off the top rope, to Love tying Kong’s braids to the cage to take her out of the match, this thing is a study in pleasant surprises. It’s like they took the only 3 women in TNA with any chemistry and put them in a match together; resulting in something infinitely better than my expectations. The moves were crisp and well executed, the story was told well, all of the women did their very best to rock my socks off, and they succeeded.

The ending was a little, eh. It was a let down after a solid match, but it was definitely the right result. I’m excited about women’s wrestling in TNA for the first time since Gail Kim left. That’s TNA for you. Gems like this in the middle of an otherwise (so far) mediocre show.

75 out of 100.

Vice: The Knockout division had so much potential when it first started and was a delight to watch every week. Now it’s pretty terrible most of the time. Come back, Gail.

Ok, so, I didn’t pay a heck of a lot of attention to this match. Why? It’s a Knockouts match. Two things really stuck out though—firstly, Kong’s senton off the top rope. Like Angle whipping out the 450 for the first time a long while ago, I totally didn’t see this shit coming. The crowd went NUTS. Flying fat people = awesome.

The second thing is the finish. Kong is tied to the cage via her hair. Taylor Wilde walks over to her, Kong gives her a little kick to the gut and Taylor dies, allowing Angelina to capitalize. So, uh, what the fuck happened? Seemed extremely botched, or maybe I just wasn’t paying much attention because I was trying to imagine all of them looking like Daffney.

Fuck it. It’s the Knockouts, and Angelina won the title. That’s all that matters. She totally deserved it and was the perfect choice. Thank you TNA for not doing something completely stupid.

Angelina Love over Everyone Else Via A Rollup On Taylor Wilde.

Segment 11 – Team 3D And Some Douchebags.

Cewsh: Attention wrestling fans. If you ever get the chance to be in the background of a segment with some wrestlers, please do not make retarded hand gestures overtop of the wrestlers heads and yell “OH YEAH BABY!” louder than the wrestlers are talking. It makes you look like a complete douche. You have been warned.

Segment 12 – Philadelphia Street Fight – TNA World Tag Team Championships and IWGP Heavyweight Tag Team Championships – Team 3(Tons)D © vs. Beer (Will Drown Our Sorrows After This Match) Money Inc. ©.

Cewsh: Hmm.

This is essentially a feud about Beer Money vs. The City of Philadelphia. Team 3D have crowned themselves the champions of Philadelphia and made an ENORMOUS deal out of it, with Brother Ray in particular actually alleging that Beer Money is going to DIE. Yes, that’s right. Cease to live. So yeah, there’s that. Also, bear in mind, this is a cage match where the door stays open. So…it’s a cage match where the cage is optional and ignored. That makes a ton of sense, seeing as its not like anyone bought this PPV to see cage matches anyway, right?

Vice: TNA Lockdown: The most violent, dangerous PPV in wrestling today. Every match is contested inside the steel cage. Unless you yell out “it’s going to be a street fight!!” the week before, and then the cage is simply optional. But every other match is in a steel cage! Brutal! Violent! Ouch!

The best part about this match was the ref locking the door right away after Tenay rambling on for 10 minutes about how the door was going to stay open the entire time. Great work. Otherwise, it was a decent match. I couldn’t really get into it, but Beer Money was really solid. Hopefully they won’t be breaking up anytime soon.

Whatev.

Cewsh: This match starts off with the four men entering the ring, and the ref locking them in. Wait, what? Almost as if someone yelled at him for being an idiot, he immediately opens it back up, allowing all four men to wander off through the stands punching each other. Generic punching ensues. The tables come out, which is good since the fans spent the entire match doing nothing but asking for it. D’Von goes through one. Looks pretty painful. The match gradually moves back into the cage with more brawling and an enormous Bubba Bomb off the top rope, that Roode sells like his ass explodes in midair. More brawling ensues. Team 3D definitely gets the better of it and the crowd goes absolutely bananas for them. They call for the tables, and the crowd loses their goddamn minds.

And then they start chanting “We want fire.” And I am instantly taken out of the whole match.

“We want fire.”? Seriously? The fire table spot is one of the most dangerous things in all of wrestling, even when done as safely as possible. To DEMAND that people set themselves on fire for your entertainment is so grossly fucked up and ridiculous that it turned me right off of this match, and this crowd, the second I heard it. The first time I laughed it off. The second time I washed my hands of these fans. This is why you can’t ever give fans what they really want. Because deep down, in their heart of hearts, some of them would like to pay to watch you die. Fucking disgraceful.

This match was a perfectly fine one, and the best that Team 3D has had recently by a country mile, but something felt missing for me, and not just because of the fans. The crowd was hot (firey?), the brawling was good, and Beer Money sold like absolute kings, but I think it was the inevitability that threw me. I knew who was winning this match. Its flagrantly obvious from the get go. So how am I supposed to get into it? My own fault I guess, another man might see more here than I did. But I didn’t see much.

64 out of 100.

Team 3D over Beer Money Inc. Following a 3D On Robert Roode Through A Table.
Segment 13 – The Mafia Present The Idea That They Are, In Fact, Faces.

Cewsh: It’s a pretty good argument too. Nash is coming back from a dangerous injury, Steiner needs to prove he isn’t washed up, Booker wants revenge on Styles, and Angle just wants what is best for his friends. Obviously they’re all evil bastards deep down, but in a debate, they’d be hard to argue with.

Segment 14 – The Lethal Lockdown Match – Team Jarrett (Jeff Jarrett, AJ Styles, Samoa Joe, and Chris Daniels) vs. Team Angle (Kurt Angle, Scott Steiner, Kevin Nash, and Booker T).

Cewsh: For those unaware, the Lethal Lockdown match is a regular cage match, where one man from each team begins. Every 5 or so minutes, one member from one of the teams comes down. In a match had on Impact, it was determined that Team Angle would get their guy in first, so that they have a one man advantage for nearly the whole match until the last man enters. After everyone is in, a ceiling is lowered on top of the cage with weapons hanging from it, and either team can win by pinning or causing to submit a member of the other team.

Whew. That was a mouthful.

Your first two entrants are Kurt Angle and Chris Daniels.

Vice: AAAAANGLE

DAAAAAAAANIEEEEEELS.

Cewsh: These two guys wrestling was essentially every smarks wet dream ultimate match way back in 2002 or so. Weird to think that we’re getting it now when it seemed so impossible then. What a difference a few years makes.

Vice: Not a fan of Daniels’ current facial hair, but he’s Daniels and thus awesome. Daniels and Angle work well together. Loved their match on Impact.

Cewsh: Daniels looks goofy, like he always has, but he’s so fluid and crisp in the ring. I know its popular to hate on his matches recently, and that’s fine, but he’s still very fun to watch, and I adore the man.

BOOKER T HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Vice: Daniels’ Koji Clutch is such an awesome move. I love it. I also love how Angle is already tapping, and Booker T is casually strolling to the ring. Not in a hurry, eh?

Cewsh: Booker T comes out in absolutely no hurry whatsoever. Not a good friend.

AJ STYLES HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Vice: STYYYYLES. Amazing bastard. I’m sorry—PHENOMENAL bastard. He and Daniels were such a fantastic tag team, and it’s good to see them doing some team work from them.

Cewsh: AJ comes out, to slightly new music, and runs to the ring to help Daniels. GOOD friend. Styles and Daniels working together makes me incredibly wistful for their days as a tag team. I would love to see them pair up again.

SCOTT STEINER HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Vice: Frankensteiner! Fuck yes! Seriously, Steiner is so underrated as both a wrestler and a character. But more-so as a wrestler. The dude really isn’t bad at all. Sure he won’t be able to wrestle a 20 minute match against a speedy little rascal, but in multi-men matches and 8-10 minute regular matches he’s pretty good.

Cewsh: Steiner just starts mugging Styles and Daniels. A top rope suplex, a Frankensteiner, and more awesomeness, as Steiner contributes to my building love of him. Steiner is awesome.

Vice: Booker T doing push-ups with Steiner. Ahaha.

SAMOA JOE HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Cewsh: Or has he? They show Joe talking to someone unseen in the back, seemingly getting instructions. That’s awfully, awfully mysterious. Hmm…

Vice: Joe has a towel over his head in the back and is talking to someone. Ominous.

Cewsh: Joe starts destroying everyone with some vicious T-Bone suplexs and ramming them into the cage. He’s such a convincing killer, even if he does look like he just came from a 4 year old’s birthday party in his pajamas.

KEVIN NASH HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Cewsh: Nash enters and is immediately annihilated by Samoa Joe. Not very nice, Joe. He was injured you know.

Vice: Nash should break every bone in his body and come out the following week dressed as a Storm Trooper.

JEFF JARRETT HAS ENTERED THE MATCH.

Vice: The top of the cage lowers. Is AJ going to die again?

Yes. Fucking OW.

Cewsh: Kurt Angle, almost immediately, climbs on top of the cage. AJ follows. I spend the next full minute sweating bullets, praying that they survive. Angle, in a moment of brilliance, goes back into the ring, sealing the top of the cage away from Styles, trapping him on top. Rather than find a SENSIBLE way out of this, Styles proceeds to leap high into the air and BREAK TRHOUGH THE CAGE, falling all the way to the unforgiving canvass below. Fucking OUCH.

Cewsh: Yuh oh, Jarrett hits Joe with a chair by accident. Seeds being planted?

Cewsh: FINISHER WAR! RAWR!

[about two hours before we watched this match]

Envious Vice: OOOH OOOH, I know how this is going to go.

DashboardFonz: QUIET YOU.

Envious Vice: I don’t know how it actually goes, but I can take a guess here.

Envious Vice: People question Jarrett’s loyalty before the match.

Envious Vice: During the match, Jarrett has a chance to SWEEERVE.

Envious Vice: But wait, he SWEEERVES THE SWERVE and is a good guy after all!

Envious Vice: The faces hug each other and rejoice.

DashboardFonz: Ahahaha, yep.

Envious Vice: Then two weeks from now Jarrett goes heel.

Cewsh: As if by magic, Jarrett grabs a guitar. WHAT WILL HE DO?! Not turn heel, that’s what. He trucks Booker with it, ending the evilness speculation. Bit anticlimactic in this match, really, as it seems like an afterthought in a match full of wackiness.

Vice: Enjoyable match. Not amazingly memorable, but I really liked it.

Cewsh: This match, like all of these matches, is a bloody brawl, and a huge clusterfuck, with one spot that really stands out, and the rest of the time is a great deal of milling about trying not tio trip over the other 9 guys in the ring. They’re never great matches, but this one was good, and I really have no complaints about it whatsoever. No real compliments either. It was simply pretty good.

What happened after the match however…

70 out of 100.

Steam Jarrett over Ream Angle Following A Guitar Shot On Booker T.
Post Match:

Vice: Post-match, Bobby Lashley shows up. This was spoiled for me, and I’m also not a big fan of the guy.. but the way it all went down, fuck me if I wasn’t marking out. Really curious to see what happens with him.

Cewsh: Post match the greatest thing in the history of the world that has ever happened in the history of ever happens. The lights go off. Heavy music hits. And out from the back walks BOBBY MOTHERFUCKING LASHLEY MOTHERFUCKERS! WOOOO! LASHLEY IS BACK TO KILL EVERYONE! THE GREAT FUCKING WRESTLER EVER IS BACK AND ITS AMAZING! THERE IS A GOD IN HEAVEN AND HE DOES LOVE ME! I”M GOING TO BUY A CHURCH TOMORROW AND PREACH TO PEOPLE ABOUT THE GLORIES OF GOD WORKING THROUGH BOBBY MOTHERFUCKING LASHLEY! FUCKING SHITFUCK CUNTMAP HABERDASHERLICKING MOTHERFUCKING YEAH!

Ahem. Bobby Lashley, formerly of the WWE, and currently of the world of mixed martial arts, comes onto the stage and points at all of then men assembled in it. Kurt Angle looks incredibly excited, Scott Steiner looks confused, and Jeff Jarrett looks like someone just murdered his puppy and is humping the corpse on stage. Which is sad really, because he should really be more excited. Why, you ask?

BECAUSE ITS MOTHERFUCKING BOBBY MOTHERFUCKING LASH MOTHERFUCKING LY MOTHERFUCKERS AND HE”S COME BACK TO RIP MOTHERFUCKING FACES OFF OF YOU MOTHERFUCKERS AND ITS SO FUCKING AWESOME THAT YOUR GRANDMOTHERS FACE JUST MELTED BUT THAT’S OKAY BECAUSE LASHLEY’S SO FUCKING AWESOME HE COULD FUCKING GROW HER ANOTHER ONE YOU MOTHERFUCKERS! YEAH! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO*

*Editor’s Note: It is at this point that Cewsh jumped 3 feet directly into the air in joyous celebration. Unfortunately, our ceilings are only 8 feet high, so he is in bed nursing a concussion. He has already named the concussion of his brain tissue “Lil’ Lashley” and frequently discusses it “Beating John Cena this time.” If this means anything to you, then please offer your sympathies. The rest of this review has been transcribed by more capable minds. Please enjoy.

Segment 15 – Some Mime Promos. Then Some Hobo Does.

Cewsh: Sting has an interview. Then Mick has an interview. Both lacked Lashley. Couldn’t be bothered to pay attention in this new, Lashley-centric universe. Seemed good though.

Segment 16 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting (…’s To Not Be As Good As Bobby Lashley) © vs. Mick (Probably Had Lunch With Bobby Lashley Once) Foley.

Cewsh: Ahem, alright. Have to get back to top reviewing form. This is the main event after all, and a compelling match without a doubt. This feud has essentially seen Mick Foley dissolve into madness. Touched off by misunderstood words from Sting about Mick being done as a wrestler, this feud has transformed Mick Foley from the happy go lucky office guy to the insane, bloodthirsty Cactus Jack. Yes, I know we’ve seen it before, but never going quite so far into the dark side. Never delving quite so deeply into what motivates the insanity. Never being quite so effective at making me believe that Mick Foley actually wishes Sting a great deal of serious harm. I am sold on this match and this feud. Sold 1,000%.

Please don’t let me down, guys. I haven’t wanted a TNA main event to be good this badly since Kurt Angle faced Samoa Joe last year at this very event.

The match begins with their entrances and introductions. Then the referee makes Mick hand his barbed wire baseball bat to a camera man (remember that for later kiddies), and the match begins. Chronicling the entire match would honestly take a better reviewer than I. When it comes to down and dirty brawls, I’m just not so good at transcribing them. Its not that there isn’t an art to them, because there certainly is, but its just, I think, that matches like this are all about just beating on each other, and tend to more or less throw conventional storytelling out the window in favor of barbaric imagery. That’s perfectly fine, and it certainly doesn’t hurt the match at all, but its hard to do play by play for a match that features 7,416 punches and kicks, and then some finishers, you know? I’ll sum up the match as best as a I can, but none of those overly flowery write ups this week. It just doesn’t fit.

So suffice to say that there was much kicking and punching going on for a while, until finally they reached that point in matches like this where finshers are used, but it, in no way, results in anything approaching the end of the match. See, because in heated brawls, there’s too much adrenaline for one move to keep you down for long enough. Or so the idea goes, as I understand it. Anyway, the story of the match is that Foley is abusing his power as the owner (wink, wink) of the company by adding stipulations as he goes, and bullying the refs and the camera man (remember him?) into doing his bidding. Eventually in comes the barbed wire baseball bat, and, as you might expect, Foley tries his best to cripple himself with it. Lots more fighting, fighting, fighting, until finally it all comes down to both men trying to escape the cage at the same time. One man drops to the floor and is declared the victor. Hurrah!

This was a good brawl. Not really sure what to say about the match itself. It was good. For recent TNA main events, that’s like saying that its Bobby Lashley vs. Bobby Lashley in a Bobby Lashley on a pole match by comparison.

78 out of 100.

Vice: What Cewsh said.

I’d also like to add that the finish was horrendously anticlimactic, considering what the story had been building up to.

Foley winning the title is not what I was expecting (before Sparky spoiled it for me… 🙂 ), and what’s to follow is certainly interesting. It could either be amazing or FUCK. EVERYTHING. UP. AND MAKE MONTHS AND MONTHS OF STORYLINE MEAN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Could be amazing though. A year ago, I’d be incredibly optimistic. Now.. not so much.

Mick Foley over Sting Following His Escape Of The Cage.
Post Match Thoughts:

Cewsh: So Mick Foley is the new champion. Man is that NOT what I expected to be the end of the massive “Sting as champion” storyline that has been going since Bound For Glory. Mick Foley is both the owner of TNA and its champion. Who would have predicted this a year ago? No sane person, including Mick Foley, I assume. I have no idea where they’re going with this, and I don’t want to rush to judgment, but yeah. This is absolutely surreal.

————————————————-
Cewsh’s Contraption:

Cewsh: Well this was an odd show. Nothing was really all that bad, even if the first women’s match was as meaningless as nipples on a cockroach. Nothing was superb either. Everything was pretty good, or at least decent. I’m not sure if this is an improvement over the usual TNA formula of providing 7 terrible matches and 2 fantastic ones, if that, but I certainly can say that it was something. Something? Something.

LASHLEY! MOTHERFUCKING WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Cewsh’s Final Score: 65.625 out of 100.
Vice’s Vittles:

Vice: It was a decent showing from TNA this month. There weren’t a whole lot of tremendously shitty matches and segments this time around, but nothing was crazy good. I will say this though—Impact was fantastic and sold me on watching Lockdown (even though I’m forced to anyway), and Lockdown did juuuuuuust enough to make me consider tuning into the next Impact. TNA has pretty much mastered the before-PPV Impact, now they need to master the after-PPV Impact, so that if you actually bought the event you wouldn’t feel like you wasted a lot of precious money.

Enjoyable, but not very memorable outside of two or three things.

Vice’s Final Score: 59 out of 100.

Alrighty boys and girls, barring future appearances in my everyday life by Bobby Lashley, we’ll be back on Tuesday morning, with a delicious, heaping spoonful of your sugar filled, fiber friendly, Cewsh Reviews… Team. If I’m not greatly mistaken, we’ll be serving up a great big bowl of WWE Backlash 2009 for you to sample at your leisure. But no bananas on top. There are no bananas allowed in Cewsh Reviews… Headquarters. Long story involving a cactus, a penguin, and a lightsabre. Anyway, until next time, dear readers, kept reading, and be good to each other!

Wrestlemania XXV

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WRESTLEMANIA XXV

Welcome cats and kittens to the biggest show of the year, on the grandest stage of them all, Wrestlemania. This show marks the 25th, (yes, we know it’s really the 24th,) anniversary of the biggest show in the industry, and we couldn’t be happier to be here covering it. The excitement is palpable here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters, not only for the show of shows, but also to reunite the entire team. That’s right, we’ve got Ms.Cewsh, Vice, and, of course, your motherfucking Cewsh together again for this one. We could never have gotten so far without the support and help from so many of you readers, so keep reading, and keep responding.

Alright, enough with the sappy shit, let’s do a fucking Wrestlemania review.


Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!


Cewsh: It sucked.

HA.

No but really, WWE is amazing at these. Were you expecting anything but greatness for the biggest show of the year? Going with the “25th Anniversary” theme, most of the wrestlers on the show talk about their favorite Wrestlemania moments and make bold statements about making history this year. Am I excited?

Oh hell yeah.

Vice: It’s the 24th anniversary, you fucking assholes. Oh wait, 25th anniversary sounds better than 24th anniversary? Well then don’t bill it as an anniversary. Better to do nothing than do it wrong, right?

Segment 2 – America The Cute-In-A-Mousy-Kind-Of-Way.

Cewsh: Nicole Scherzingylingylamadamadingdong sings the National Anthem, interspliced with patriotic images. It’s nice, her ass is nice, and the set is very nice indeed with huge monitors making every video seem enormous and impressive. Yep, the nice is flowing freely.

Segment 3 – Money In The Bank Ladder Match – Number One Contendership For Any WWE Championship – (Candy) Kane vs. Mark (Enough Love Handles To Have A Relationship By Himself) Henry vs. Fit (Not The Attractive Way) Finlay vs. CM (Cock Monocle) Punk vs. Shelton (My Shorts Have A Huge Black Cock On Them) Benjamin vs. Kofi (Bum Fights!) Kingston vs. (Vickie Guerrero’s Brother-in-Law) Christian vs. M (Massochistic) V (Vindictive) P (Pineapple).

Cewsh Notes:

– What an odd collection of guys in this match. No idea who is going to win, but I am severely pulling for either Christian or Punk.

– 6 ladders? Fuck’s sake, somebody is going to die tonight.

– Kofi Kingston is so slim and crazy looking that he honestly reminds me of a hobo. If he got a big Kimbo Slice beard, that could totally be his new gimmick. It could totally explain his unreal jumping abilities. Just say that someone in the catwalk has a ham sandwich. Then say Triple H ate the sandwich. BOOM, next Wrestlemania is booked.

– Kane sets the set on fire, just like he does every year. I ALWAYS love that visual.

– Ahahahaha, “parting the steel seas”. What an amazing spot.

– “Kane only needs one ring.” – JR. Kane is now SAURON.

– Shelton Benjamin does a Swanton that would make Jeff Hardy piss his pants to try. Jesus Christ, what a move.

– Kofi climbs Mt. Henry. Unsuccessfully.

– Apparently people in the crowd are of the opinion that the participants in a particular spot did not execute it to the best of their abilities. Quite crudely I believe. Allow me to be crude in solemn return. If you chant “You fucked up” at wrestlers when they accidentally botch dangerous moves, you deserve to get deep rooted, dangerously organic ass cancer. That is all.

– The entire portion of the match with the ladder intersecting the other ladder was unbelievable. Just innovative spot after innovative spot. It would have been even better if Benjamin and MVP had been on the same page with their big move, but it was great nonetheless.

– Go Christian!

– FUCK YOU KANE!

– YES! YES! GO!

– What a finish. Fabulous, fabulous stuff.

And that’s about all there is to say. It was an absolutely fantastic start to the show, with some insane, legitimately innovative offense. I haven’t ever been let down by one of these matches, and they certainly don’t start here. Whew.

80 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.


Ms.Cewsh
: I freaking love ladder matches, the spottier, the better. So yeah, MITB is my match of the night before it’s even started. Everyone one comes out looking varying shades of awesome, excepting maybe Finlay. He is wearing half of Mad Max’s jacket. What is it with Wrestlemanias and the Road Warrior? The only ones that don’t work here: Henry and Kane. I’m sorry; Mark Henry’s fat ass cannot climb out of bed without help, much less run up a ladder. I know they always put monsters in for one awesome spot where they dump half the roster on their ass, (which was neat this year,) but I wish they wouldn’t. Also, MVP is a face now, yes? Then why do they still call him by his ultra-cocky heel name?! It’s like Matt Hardy’s music, it no longer fits the character.

The match itself is great with fabulous spots that had me on the edge of my seat. Benjamin gets another WM moment or two, something he desperately needs. He worked his ASS off in this match and looked fabulous doing it. If Christian hadn’t run circles around everyone, this would’ve been his match. Of course Christian can and did. C’est la vie. Also, because Finlay is in the match, Hornswaggle had to have a little moment of his own. I really wish he’d get fired, because I hate the character, but he and Finlay do play off each other well. It was almost sweet, in a creepy flying midget way.

The finish was just a smidge of a letdown, because I’d let myself root too hard for Christian. Oh well, if it couldn’t happen for him, Punk is almost as awesome.

6 out of 5 sleeping kitties.

Vice Notes:

– I really like Kofi.

– Finlay is awesome. I am saddened to see Hornswoggle so goddamned soon. I’d be happy if I never had to see him again.

– Kingston jumping over the ladder was incredible. What the fuck.

– Shelton dies. Vice smiles.

– Kingston is Jackie Chan. Only black. The man is ridiculous. I love him.

– I totally forgot Christian was in the match.

– Benjamin runs up 3 ladders. Ridiculous. Benjamin botches. Not ridiculous. MVP dies.

– PUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNK!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck yes!

There’s no denying that this match was fucking fun as hell and I really enjoyed it. The problem with having this match every year is that they need new spots every year. All the new spots seemed like they were out of a Jackie Chan movie. They were fucking cool, but all sorts of contrived. Oh well. I enjoyed it. And PUUUUUUUUNK! As much as I love Punk, I’d like it if he cashed it in and lost. That’s my biggest problem with MITB. Everyone who cashes it in wins. If people lost, then the wins would mean more. And when the champ is down and you hear Mr. MITB’s music play, it’d add more suspense. What am I saying? PUNK.

CM Punk Over the New York Knicks After Collecting The Briefcase.
Segment 4 – Wrestlemania Axxcess? More Like Wrestlemania FATCESS.

Cewsh: Because WWE fans are fat, get it? Yeah.

Segment 5 – For Fuck’s Sake: Starring Kid Rock.

Cewsh: Kid Rock comes out and sings a little ditty. And then another. And then another. AND THEN ANOTHER. Throughout wrestling history, promotions have thought that adding musical concerts to their shows is a great idea. Generally it is not, and it turns the fans off because they didn’t pay money to come and see a Kid Rock concert. As Verne Gagne might say, in between body slamming your grandpa, “It says wrestling on the marquee.” There is a moment that sticks out here, during the first song where Kid Rock is singing the chorus to his song “Bawitdaba” and he holds out his mic to the crowd to let them sing the chorus in typical concert fashion. And he is met with definitive and absolute silence. Terribly embarrassing.

Now, the fans seemed to get into the concert a little as time went on, the Divas came out, and it was clear filler. I’m not best pleased that they allegedly cut the Tag Titles match in order to give this more time, as these things don’t work. This is likely going to be reflected upon as the weakest part of the show, by far.

Of course WWE probably got Scrooge McDuck-like sacks of money out of this, so I’m sure they could care less whether I liked it or not.

Ms. Cewsh: I don’t hate Kid Rock as much as I should, but holy fucking crap that shit was WAY too long.

Vice: Are you fucking serious?

Jesus fucking Christ. And he’s playing the song that got him famous like 25 years ago? Oh my god. When he doesn’t sing that part of the chorus and there is absolute silence because the crowd doesn’t give a fuck.. oh man. Ahahahahhahahahahhahahahaha. Fuck off, Kid Rock. I dislike him quite a bit. Not poke-fun-at-him dislike. Legitimate dislike.

Segment 6 – 25 Diva Battle Royal. Winner Is Crowned Miss Wrestlemania.

Ms. Cewsh: The match starts with 25 Divas in the ring. The announcers don’t even know who’s who, so what the hell chance do we have? I’m extremely pleased to see that May Young and Candace are “special time keepers” and not in this farce. Not because I like either of them, but because their involvement elevates it from farce to circus. Also we appear to have a drag queen in the middle of the ring. Who could it be?!?!

Layla is eliminated by the Guardians.

Rosa Mendez is eliminated by Sable.

Sunny is eliminated by Awesome Kong.

Torrie is eliminated by the Puppy.

Jackie Gayda is eliminated by Irrelevancy.

Maria is eliminated by Victoria.

Gail (Bella twin #3) is eliminated by Jillian Hall.

Jillian eliminates Herself.

Chick in purple (Eve?) is eliminated by Lita.

Tiffany (we have a Tiffany?) is eliminated by Bad Fashion.

Kelly Kelly is eliminated by Beth.

Molly Holly is eliminated by Natalya.

Natalya is eliminated by Trish Stratus.

Maryse is eliminated by Beth.

Katie Lea is eliminated by Beth.

Victoria is eliminated by the Bellas.

The Bellas are eliminated by Beth.

Michelle McCool is eliminated by Mickey James.

Mickey James is eliminated by Michelle McCool.

Final 3: Beth Phoenix, Melina, Mysterious Drag Queen.

Melina is eliminated by Beth.

Beth is eliminated by the Mysterious Drag Queen.

Your new and first Miss Wrestlemania is… Santina Morella, Santino’s twin sister from Italy!

Vice: Godfuckingchristshitinagoddamnbucket.

Who are these people? This match is a goddamned joke. Is that Santino?

Sunny is in this match. I have no clue where she is. Neither does Lawler. Molly was in this?

What a fucking terrible match. No one had a proper introduction and there were hardly any close-ups. I seriously had no idea who anyone was in that match. Just awful. But wait! Santino in DRAG! Err.. SantinA! LOL! I really hate to say this, but I feel fucking terrible for the divas. Yeah it’s fun to trash them, but they are a division, and they could have actually done something nice to reward them. But no. They have them all come out looking like hookers during a Kid Rock concert, don’t announce any names, don’t zoom in on anyone, and a midcard comedy act MALE wins it just to have a “funny” moment. Very insulting to the divas. I FEEL BAD FOR THE DIVAS. That’s how bad this was. I have not read the forums yet, but I’m going to guess that everyone spat their beverages out for Santino’s dance at the end. Because-a he’s-a really-a funny-a because-a he-a talks-a like-a-this-a! “But this win creates more storyline mumbo jumbo for Santino and Beth so it’s FINE and was AWESOME!”. No. Fuck you. Do it on RAW.

Ms. Cewsh: Awful. Absolutely awful. Why did we even bother bringing women back for this match? The final seven were all active roster. No one, not even the returning stars, was announced. I’m missing two Divas in the list, but no one HAS a list of who was in this match. The announcers had no idea what was going on. When Gail was eliminated, they actually said she was one of the Bellas. It was a mess.

1 ½ kitties out of 5, just for Santino being a funny fuck.

Cewsh: ZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZzzz…huh wha? Match? Something?

2 out of 100. (99 points for Sunny. -97 points for not even fucking getting to see her.)

Segment 7 – Chris (Canadian Christ) Jericho vs. Jimmy (Superdry. Skin, that is.) Snuka, Ricky (The Dragon. Warrior Games Are Overrated.) Steamboat, and (Dowdy) Roddy Piper w/ Ric (I’d Like To Solve The Puzzle With A “K”, Finally, After 30 Years) Flair.

Cewsh: The hype video for this match is crazy intense. WWE deserves a ton of credit for salvaging a white hot feud out of the mess of the Rourke situation, with him electing to have a match and then pulling out abruptly. Maybe it was all a work from the start, I don’t know, but this feud has been fantastic in spite of (or perhaps thanks to) the obstacles they had to overcome to make it work. Regardless of how this match turns out, this night caps a masterful year for Jericho. He may well have sealed his place as an all time great, instead of just being a well liked guy who was, ultimately, overrated.

Jericho comes out, looking like his pimpish self, and I’m hyped for this confrontation. …and then the Legends make their entrance. Here, chronicled just for you, are my first 3 thoughts, in order:

1. “Fuck! Steamboat looks fantastic! He might actually be able to wrestle still!”

2. “Fuck! Jimmy Snuka looks like he is about to keel over dead!”

3. “Fuck! Piper, dude. Doesn’t cancer make you skinny?”

Now these aren’t particularly nice things to think, but I thought them nonetheless. Luckily for me, I can’t even get the attention of Egotistico Fantastico’s worthless ass, much less Piper’s. And it is lucky. Because cancer, gut, and all, he’d still beat the ever loving shit out of me and I know it.

Then the match itself begins. And it isn’t great. Piper is Piper, and doesn’t need to do much to set the crowd on fire, but when Snuka gets an extended in ring segment, it’s absolutely nachoshit awful. I know he’s old, and he’s doing his best, but the man looks like a Jewish grandmother wrapped in a tiger patterned rug in the ring, beating the shit out of a spry man in the prime of his life. It didn’t work for me; especially with the sheer dominance Jericho had exerted over them all prior to the match.

JIMMY SNUKA IS ELIMINATED VIA THE WALLS OF JERICHO.

Now things heat up a bit. Steamboat is in the ring, and he’s really moving. He’s flying around, hitting his signature moves, and just generally making the other legends look like the washed up has beens that they kind of are at this point. Unfortunately, Piper wanders in just long enough for…

PIPER HAS BEEN ELIMINATED VIA A RUNNING ENZIGUIRI.

And now, against all logic and probability, Jericho and Steamboat throw down and begin to actually have a good match. I enjoyed every second of watching Steamboat bump and fly like he did when I was a kid, and he kept pace with Jericho so well that it almost seemed like they turned off the slow motion button on the match. Now, it wasn’t perfect. Jericho seemed at a loss as to how to wrestle a match at the Legend’s pace, and it made a lot of stuff look awkward. Jericho still isn’t a top level seller and bumper as a heel, and it really tends to hurt him in matches like this where he has to sell a beating. At any rate, nostalgia alone pushed this match forward, and it was a lot of fun to watch.

Welcome back, Dragon. Thanks for new memories to go along with the old.

72 out of 100.

Vice: What the fuck dude. Steamboat is amazing. Maybe he just looks amazing because he can actually walk, unlike Snuka and Piper. But fucking hell. Steamboat was on FIRE. He’s better than 90% of the roster. So.. if Steamboat is fucking amazing, and the other two aren’t.. why include them? It seriously should have just been Jericho vs. Steamboat. It could have made a lot more sense and have been a much better match. Still though, it was great once the dead weight was cleared out. Steamboat was seriously incredible and totally blew me away with his performance. I went in thinking that he was going to be wrestling at 50% and it was going to be a sad sight to see, but the dude was at 397174%. FUCK. Give him the title.

Ms. Cewsh: I don’t like this feud. I feel like I’ve seen it before, with someone else. What did they call him…hmm. The Legend Cuddler? No…the Legend Kisser? Closer, but still no…I’ve got it! The Legend Kicker!

Also, the guys assembled seem incredibly random. Has Steamboat ever tried for one last run in the big promotions? No? Then why is he here? I can see the point that Piper and Flair have hung around too long, but I’ve only seen Snuka in that one tag match at Vengeance. (I’ve been told that he is the king of “one last run”s, but I’ve been watching for five years now. How long does WWE expect us to remember?)

The legends don’t look good, especially Snuka. He looks fragile and his hair is outrageous. I was going to make a joke about their outfits, but Lillian decided to wear a roll of tin foil out, so she wins this round.

There’s a match. It’s no good. Steamboat is more than OK in ring. Snuka is not. Piper is Piper. Jericho is…well…um…he’s not meant to be the focus. This match is “look, Ricky Steamboat can still wrestle!” and Jericho never really pops out of the background. He’s also moving in slow motion in an attempt to make the legends look better, but he really just makes everyone look worse by holding back.

This is something Cewsh doesn’t understand or agree with. Near falls suck. They suck and are lame and matches that rely heavily on them should feel bad. I’m not talking about the occasional two count, I’m talking about a match that has a dozen two and three quarter counts right on top of each other. Instead of putting me on the edge of my seat, like, “OMG, will the next one be it?!, it kills any momentum the near fall-ee had. Every near fall makes me care a little less about the actual pin.

In case you missed it, this match suffers HEAVILY from this problem. Between this and the post-match shenanigans (more on that below)…

½ a kitty out of 5.

Ricky Steamboat Is Eliminated Via the Code Breaker.

Cewsh: Post match, Jericho beats Flair down and calls out Mickey Rourke. Rourke takes the bait and climbs into the ring to a deafening roar from the crowd. This is tense. Or better to say that it starts off tense and kind of keeps right on going into Impatience Town. Rourke knocks the shit out of Jericho with a left hook (he boxed professionally for a short time), and provides pretty much the definitive moment for this Wrestlemania. Rourke throws a punch, knocks out the bad guy, and walks out with his hand raised by the Nature Boy. Woooooo!

Ms.Cewsh: Flair gets his ass kicked. Ho hum. Jericho calls out Mickey Rourch. Ho hum. Rourch accepts. Ho hum. He takes an hour to get undressed and into the ring. I’m pulling my hair out with impatience. We’re 75 minutes into this show, and we’ve had one great match, two shit matches, a filler concert, and way too much worthless crap. Couldn’t we have skipped all this bull and given MITB more time? Or maybe, THE TAG MATCH THEY CUT SO KID ROCK COULD DO 7 MORE SONGS?!

Rourke knocks Jericho out with one punch. Again, it could just be me, but doesn’t that make the guys he JUST wrestled and beat look like a bunch of scrubs? This show is maddening.

Vice: Rourke merking Jericho was a good, fun moment. But still, it’s a movie star that will be gone in 15 minutes knocking out a wrestler who will continue to be around. Does this make sense in the context of the feud? I don’t know. And yeah, sue me for not being a huge fan of celebrities in wrestling.

Segment 8 – The National Guard vs. Storm From The X-Men.

Ms. Cewsh: DID I JUST SEE A MOTHERFUCKING COMMERCIAL ON MY FUCKING $60 PAY-PER-VIEW? FOR THE MOTHERFUCKING NATIONAL GUARD, OF ALL THINGS?! RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!RAGE!

Segment 9 – Extreme Rules – Jeff (Everyday Is Halloween) Hardy vs. Matt (Kickpads Make Me Badass To The Core) Hardy.

Cewsh: Best video package of the year. No competition.

Ms. Cewsh: So Edge stole Matt’s girlfriend and Matt is now retaliating by stealing Edge’s style?

Cewsh and I had a lovely little time making up what they were yelling at each other before the match started.

Matt: No man, I totally look more ridiculous!

Jeff: Dude, do you see my facepaint?

Matt: I have kickpads! How often do I get my tubby ass into a kick?

Etc.

I’m really enjoying this feud. In fact, between this and Triple H/Orton, I think we should bring personal lives into every storyline. Real passion es muy bueno. The match was an excellent little hardcore fest. The items they incorporated were pretty funny. A wet/dry vac and a single crutch? OK!

I usually find Matt to be a little bland, but he was on fire in this match. He looked sick and like an honest threat. Jeff took the typical Jeff risks and looked spectacular doing it. I tried to keep a counter of the number of times something he did hurt himself more than his opponent, but it exploded after the double tables. Seriously, two tables?! Then, because it’s the Hardys and we can’t leave with limbs left unbroken, Jeff got the ladders. Between those and Matt’s Twist of Fate with the chair, I died and went to entertainment heaven.

4 kitties out of 5.

Vice: Matt’s looks is pretty awesome. Could use some new theme music, but it’s all good. I like his attire. Why does he have keys on his thighs though? He’s still ugly and fat. Jeff looks like an absolute muppet as usual. Jeff goes for a trash can shot, but Matt counters. When will wrestlers learn that whenever you lift an object completely over your head, your opponent will counter with a kick to the gut?

Also, Jeff lays Matt out with a nasty chairshot that was similar to the initial Matt heel turn. I do not approve of that. That should be the redemption shot. Something he should win a match with. Not some random spot in a match.

Amazingly ridiculous ending. What a fucking move. I still think this match should have been a regular match though. These “I HATE YOU!!” feuds tend to go 0-60 in 3.2 seconds. Whatever happened to a good ol’ brutal, hate-filled match within a controlled environment? Then again, it is Jeff Hardy at Wrestlemania—of course he’s going to have a ladder with him.

The match was good and enjoyable, and I liked it. Probably wouldn’t watch it again, but both Matt and Jeff went into the match with a lot to prove, both in the context of the feud and in real life. If Vince wasn’t high on Matt before this, he should be now.

Cewsh: Matt Hardy has a new look here, and I think it’s awesome. It’s a complete departure from the usual Matt Hardy look, which is absolutely necessary in order to make the fans see him as the heel he wants to be. Some new music and a goddamn haircut would drive the point home further, but that seems about as likely as him laying off the triple cheeseburgers at Wendy’s.

Anyway, this match explodes out of the gate. No pansy tie up, no dancing around, and no chain wrestling here. These two are supposed to hate each other, and they do, and they show it with the sheer viciousness of every move performed here. These aren’t the kind of guys who do bloody brawls and thumbtacks. These guys are daredevils, high flying crazy bastards, not Butchers of Necros. Right off the blocks, Jeff smashes a framed poster over Matt’s head, followed by a cringe worthy chairshot by Matt to the back of Jeff’s knee. These guys just go absolutely bananas, trying to one up each other in the crazy son of a bitch competition. Then, naturally, a WetVac and some crutches get involved. Hmm. WetVac’s suck. A cripple uses crutches. Cripple rhymes with Triple. OH MY GOD! They’re secretly telling me that Triple H sucks! Conspiracy!

All joking aside, I loved this match. It was heated and violent and was what a feud this heated needed. Shit, this match was fucking absurd. These two murdered each other, and I honestly have never seen anything like it. Even with a ladder match on the same show, they still had me cringing and gasping with every new twist they came up with. This match was all spotfest, no doubt about that. But this feud demanded in insane spotfest from these two people, and they gave a lesson on how to do one that should be followed for years to come.

85 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Matt Hardy over Jeff Hardy Via A Twist Of Fate In A Chair.
Segment 10 – WWE Intercontinental Championship – J (Please Retire) B (Please Retire) L (Please Retire) © vs. Rey (Please Retire JBL) Mysterio (Please Retire JBL).

Vice: JBL is awesome.

Rey? Ahahahha. I’ve never seen a worse wrestling costume in my life. Seriously. This was my reaction:

Envious Vice: Ahahahhahahahhahgashfkjahfjhjakhskjahfskafhskafsafa
Envious Vice: SHFKJASKJNKJCNAJKSNAJHFKZf
Envious Vice: FSHKJACNKJSNCAS
Envious Vice: FJHKJDASfa
Envious Vice: sFJKFJKLC
Envious Vice: aagahahghgahga
Envious Vice: ha
Envious Vice: hahhahah
Envious Vice: aah
Envious Vice: ahahhahahahahahhahfashfsaj’a
Envious Vice: safasfhskjanckjancsajfhjaslkfafa
Envious Vice: AHAHHAHAHAHAHAHhaHHAhahahHAa
Envious Vice: HKSFJLSKANCLKAHHFHFHFAFA
Envious Vice: WHAT THE FUCK
Envious Vice: FHJSKJFDLKSAFH
Envious Vice: FHAKFJLSKAf
Envious Vice: CJKCJIHDFAN
Envious Vice: OHMYGOD
Envious Vice: JKSLALAFJI
Envious Vice: HOLY
Envious Vice: FHFHSKJAA
Envious Vice: SHIT
Envious Vice: hahahahhahahdahdaha
Envious Vice: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHHAHAHAHA

I’d love to say that that sums it all up, but it doesn’t.

What a short match. And here I was, thinking that something good might actually come from this match. Why did the match not start when JBL kicked Mysterio in the skull? I seem to recall like 3,000 matches where one wrestler attacks the other before the bell rings and.. what? The bell rings 2 seconds later? :O

I don’t know what to think of it all. Whatever.

Ms. Cewsh: I hope that JBL’s news is that he has incurable ass cancer.

OHHOLYFUCKINGCOCKLICKINGBALLS, WTF?! Ahem, sorry. Rey is dressed as Heath Ledger’s Joker. You can pretend it’s just the Joker, but it’s very obviously Heath Ledger. Don’t believe me? JR makes a dead Heath Ledger joke. Yeah, that’s not in poor taste. I’m clearly in bizarro world. Anyway, how well do you think that costume is going to hold up to age and repeated watchings?

Match gets 5 kitties. Awesome.

Cewsh: I braced myself for Mysterio to have another one of his wacky Wrestlemania outfits this year. He’s been Daredevil, a peacock, a giant Mexican flag, and others, but I always felt like those were pretty much within reason. Even the huge peacock hat I chalked up to being cultural, and kind of cool. But tonight. Oh Mr. Mysterio you have outdone yourself tonight. The challenger for the Intercontinental title emerges from beneath the ramp wearing a Joker costume from Batman. Not just any Joker costume either. Heath Ledger’s Joker from the Dark Knight. Except that for some reason unknown, someone decided also to glue a spare Doink the Clown green wig to the top of his mask. I purely don’t even know what to make of the sight. The carved red smile on the mask, the dyed green stubble of Rey’s exposed hair, the neon green suspenders. I…I…I…

To Rey’s credit, he completely hams it up all the way to the ring, and has a ton of fun with it, passing out Joker playing cards to the kids wearing Mysterio masks, and I respect him for just not giving a fuck what people think and having a good time. But yeah. The floppy wig? Miscalculation.

Then we get a match. Sort of. JBL talks for awhile about how he is going to provide the most dominating win in Wrestlemania history. Wanna take bets on how that one works out?

100 out of 100. (Actually 62 out of 100.)

Rey Mysterio over JBL Via The 619.

Cewsh: Post match, JBL announces that he quits.

Wait? Did my yearning ears hear those magical words at last? Those oft dreamed of, ever prayed for words that have eluded me for so long? Oh he is real! Santa is real, and he gave me the greatest gift of all! He waited until April for some reason, but he brought it all the same! Oh thank you, Santa! Thank you!

I respect JBL’s talent, and his contributions to the company, but he’s done and its very obvious. Iwish him well in whatever his next position is.

Segment 11 – Shawn (Angel) Michaels vs. The Under (Demon) Taker.

Vice: This whole feud was kind of blah to me. They really could have started it off better. The whole “I’m going to fight to challenge the Undertaker!” and then have all the cheesy shit leading up to the match just made it all seem tacked on, and very, very forced. Had they not gone down the Michaels/JBL/Koslov route and instead had Taker and Michaels dicking with each other for a long time which resulted in the hijinks and tomfoolery.. that’d be dandy. Or if Shawn had to fight for the right to challenge, and then there was no tomfoolery—just a giant fucking match with titans clashing, that’d be cool too. Can’t do both though.

Shawn’s entrance was ridiculous. Answer me this, people.. when Undertaker does his entrance, and he takes the hat off to reveal his rolled back eyes… why has no one attacked him when he obviously can’t see? Seriously. Shawn should have just kicked him in the snout when he was snarling. PSYCHOLOGY.

Michaels’ missed moonsault was just.. fuck me sideways. OOF. Undertaker dives and… I’m speechless. I’m so glad to see his arms moving. That was one of the most awful looking crash landings I have ever seen in my life. FUCK. I figured Taker would make his way back into the ring, and they’d end the match like 20 seconds later so Taker didn’t die.. but they just continued on as planned. Truly remarkable performance from Taker, DIVING ON HIS FACE and then wrestling a ¾ of a goddamned match. Skinning the cat into a tombstone piledriver was incredible. As was Shawn kicking out. I totally thought it was over. I don’t recall anyone kicking out of the tombstone when Taker is doing his trademark pin.

What a fucking match. Slightly tainted by Taker standing there waiting to catch him. He didn’t even look that wobbly. Just waiting. I’m only nitpicking because when I looked at Taker standing there, my very first thought was “they’re not going to go for a moonsault into a tombstone, are they…?” and then BAM. Awesome moment, but I probably would have knocked my desk over trying to jump out of my chair if I didn’t see it coming. What an amazing match, though. I loved it. It really had everything. Totally could have done without the wacky build-up though, since it didn’t really have anything at all to do with the match and how it played out. It’s incredible—Michaels and Taker are old bastards, but they’re probably better than they’ve ever been. Michaels maybe, Taker definitely. Every time I see Taker, I’m impressed more and more. He’s wrestling like a 100 year veteran in a 20 year old’s body. Truly remarkable.

Amazing match and I’m glad Undertaker came out on top. And again, there were a few times when I truly thought Michaels was going to pull it out. Hopefully Undertaker is fine after that nasty bump.

Ms. Cewsh: Michaels is a God and it’s high time we all acknowledged it. Awesome entrances all around. I must ask though, do angels do crotch chops?

As for the match? Well see, here’s where I’m going to lose you. I didn’t like it. It didn’t suck, but it wasn’t OMG GREATEST MATCH EVAR! 5 STARS! CLOSE SHOP, EVERYONE GO HOME, WRESTLING HAS BEEN WON!

It had its moments. People will be showing Taker diving into the camera guy for the rest of eternity. (Poor camera. 😦 ) Unfortunately, neither guy is at their best anymore. They pulled a good match out of each other, a far better than I’d expected match, but it wasn’t the greatest. It suffered from the same rant that the Jericho match suffered from: all of its momentum was killed by too many near falls. You may disagree. Cewsh does.

I don’t feel like Michaels ever recovered from the Last Ride, making the end feel way too drawn out. Going in, I really felt Michaels was the underdog because of the streak. Sure, he started out the match dominantly, but the beating he took after the Last Ride and first Tombstone was so thorough that it made me feel like the end was inevitable and I just wanted it to hurry up and come.

Taker’s 17-0 graphic was pretty hardcore.

The match was going to get a 3 ½ for a solid, entertaining, and better than anticipated match. It gets a 2 out of 5 for sucking all the energy out with 8 near falls.

Cewsh: This is a hair verses hair match. They both already lost.

Sometimes as a wrestling fan, it becomes necessary to determine what kind of fan you are. Do you mark out for spotfests and gimmick matches? Do you sigh yourself to sleep at night dreaming of the days of brawling and rollups of the old NWA? Perhaps you enjoy a fast paced Crusierweight match? Do you get funny feelings in your secret places when the Sandman hits someone with a cane, or when Mick Foley hauls out the implements of death? All of these are equal, understandable, and make up the tapestry of the wrestling business that we all know and love. But some of those are more personal to each individual than others.

And none of them describe me.

No, I have a different need. A deep held insatiable desire for matches where the near falls flow like wine, and the finishers come sudden and often. I need long matches between top stars embroiled in heated feuds, and I need the matches to drip with every single drop of “epic” that can be wrung from them. I know that that style, WWE style as it is known in some circles, is considered to be very hit or miss with my compatriots in the internet wrestling community. Hell, the very idea of this kind of match drives Ms. Cewsh into a frothing rage that only alcohol and soothing words can relieve. But that doesn’t matter to me. What matters is that when I get a match like that, when I get an event like that, for a brief time, in the corner of my mind where a mark still lives and breathes, something wakes up and takes over. I cheer, I boo, I sweat, I cry, I laugh, I live. It’s so rare as to be almost an unknowable event. But it does exist.

Wouldn’t it be a huge downer if this match wasn’t an example of what I described above? Well don’t worry. It is. The match starts off with fantastic entrances by both men, with Taker rising up from under the stage wearing his trademark black, and Michaels descending from the ceiling in white and gold. Then are entirely willing to beat you over the head with the “Angel vs. Demon” concept, but I have no issue with it. Then, after the bell rings, Michaels just takes it straight to the Undertaker. I was caught entirely off guard by how much of an advantage Michaels was able to get on Taker early on. Amazingly, somewhere in the Southern Hemisphere a clock tolled the Equinox and JR awoke from his slumber to actually give insight into a match for the first time tonight. JR goes into detail about how Taker has never beaten Michaels, and how Michaels seems to have Taker’s number. It’s really compelling stuff, as they lay the ground work to convince you, definitively, that Shawn Michaels could indeed beat the Undertaker tonight. Not only could, but would. That’s a big lump to swallow, so it takes one helluva great story to convince anyone of that anymore.

As the match progresses, Michaels and Taker seem to strike just the right balance between exhausted but determined, and desperate but with a plan. The chemistry these two exhibit is off the charts, and the Undertaker seems absolutely electrified to be working against such a smaller, more agile opponent for a change, as he goes bumping all over the place, and actually gets to play the dominant big man for large portions of this match, a concept entirely dreamlike to Taker sometimes. Taker even makes his traditional leap over the top rope to the outside, thought Michaels has the wherewithal to pull a camera guy into Taker who spikes him with a head first drop onto the poor guy’s camera. Fantastic visual.

The ending to this match is a downhill race through false finish country. There were at LEAST 4 times when I was absolutely, beyond a shadow of a doubt certain that the match was over. I won’t spoil those or anything else for you. Just believe me when I say that they take the epic potential of this match and just tear it to shreds to create something entirely higher and above the best work of both men. These two men work together to create maybe the best match that either has ever had at the event that defines them as performers. Do you need a more stirring endorsement than that? Because I don’t know one to offer. This match, is what he word “awesome” was invented for. If you haven’t already seen for yourself, then you’re wasting your time. Go walk your grandmother and call your poor old dog, and then settle in for what really matters.


95 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

The Undertaker over Shawn Michaels Via A Tombstone Piledriver.
Segment 12 – WWE World Heavyweight Championship – Edge (Cewsh Sounds Better) © vs. The Big (OVERCOMPENSATING) Show vs. John (Insert Eminem Joke Here.) Cena.

Cewsh: I’m not going to lie. I love John Cena.

I love to watch his matches, I enjoy his feuds, his promos, hell, even his movies. I just genuinely enjoy John Cena, and find him very entertaining. Now, I’m sure that I will not exactly be counted amongst the majority with that opinion, but there it is all the same. The point of saying this, though, was mainly to put over how much I love that they make his truly important entrances into such a big deal. The Mafia entrance in Chicago, the random spaceship entrance against Edge, the marching band entrance. They’re all awesome. Here, eleventy hundred white guys dressed like John Cena come out to Basic Thugonomics, and stand on either side of the ramp making the “You Can’t See Me” hand motion at each other, as Cena’s real music hits and he sprints down the aisle. Not 100% original, but awesome, memorable, and fun as well. The entrance alone really went a long way to promoting this segment from mere filler to a standout match on its own.

Sadly the match itself had trouble doing the same.

This match. Hmm. Well, it was a triple threat match. One guy was usually incapacitated on the outside, while the other two combatants pounded it out in the ring. There were some fun spots (Double Attitude Adjuster, and Big Show trapped in the ropes are great examples), but the match never quite propelled itself above the filler is was portrayed as in the card. There’s just nothing here that you haven’t seen before. Make no mistake. These guys knew as well as I did that they were just filler for the main event.

76 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh: Cena has crazy wacky entrances. If only Eminem hadn’t already done this one at the 2000 VMAs. Seriously WWE, I’m supposed to remember Jimmy Snuka in the mid-90s, but forget I already saw this in 2000? What do you want from me?!?!

The match was fine. It was absolutely…fine. It might have been a nice main event at another show, but it felt really weak for Mania. I mean, is getting Show up still “OMG super awesome”? Because other than Cena getting him on his shoulders for the attempted double Attitude Adjustment, I can’t tell you another thing that happened in this match.

I hate bland, boring, Marine Cena, [Spoiler]more so as champ, but at least he’ll take the belt back to his own show, and [/Spoiler]leave Edge/Show to blow off to their feud in a way it deserves. Which is not a lame triple threat.

2 ½ kitties out of 5.

Vice: Cena wins the title. Didn’t see that coming.

John Cena over the Big Show Via An Attitude Adjuster.
Segment 13 – Respectable Steve Austin?

Cewsh: The Hall of Fame Class of 2009 comes out to soak up the adulation of the crowd for one last (right) time, and no one gets more love and cheers that one Stone Cold Steve Austin. For a minute I kind of stare in disbelief at Austin in a tuxedo waving quietly and humbly to the crowd. As he turns to leave, I try to reconcile this as the last way we’re likely to ever see him. And then I hear a 4×4 engine whirring.

Yes, true enough, Steve Austin charges the ring on his 4×4, grabs as many beers as he can carry (and more), and starts chugging and posing to the crowd’s incredible approval. There was even one true photo op where Austin hands Jim Ross a beer, and then puts his hat on. Great fan service, and the perfect filler to get the crowd riled up, but not overheated for an intense main event. Thanks for coming Steve. We missed you.

Segment 14 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Triple (Cheeseburger Would Be Great, But Matt Hardy Ate Them All) H © vs. Randy (RNN Update: I’m Amazingly Awesome.) Orton.

Vice: I’m not sure what to say about this. I typed absolutely nothing while watching it, and I’ve sat around with it in the back of my mind for a few hours now. Yeah. Can’t say for sure if I loved it or hated it, but it was certainly different. Felt like they look a normal match, chopped it up into 30 pieces and hit “Random”. A lot of it seemed very out of place, but it definitely had its moments.

One of the big problems was that the crowd wasn’t HOT for it. They weren’t bored by it, but they were hotter during other matches of the night. And Mania main events should always be incredibly hot. That’s what makes them so great.

HHH punting Orton was a great moment, even if he slipped and fell over like Maryse. And missed. But it’s all gravy, yo. Orton sold it amazingly well. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone sell death as well as Orton. He’s just so good at it. Christopher Daniels was one of the best death sellers for years in my opinion, but Orton shits all over him. His selling against HHH at Royal Rumble.. ’04? is some stunning work, too.

I’m going to watch the match again in a day or three and see if my opinion changes.

Ms. Cewsh: I LOVE this feud. I sincerely hope it doesn’t end here. Seeing Trips win this match (fingers crossed!) is what I bought the show for.

Unfortunately, after the lack-luster show, I had a lot of trouble getting into the match. I really wanted to, and it was MUCH better on repeated viewing, but I was soooooo burnt out. (We started the show at 7. It was 1:30 by the final pin. *weep*)

Despite that, I thought it was a good match. It was fast, brutal, and these two have great chemistry. Orton is just a damn genius. I cannot rave enough about him and the pure evil he brings to the character. His performance got me really emotionally invested in Triple H and his family, going in. What I didn’t like was the DQ rule. Faces don’t generally try to get DQed, just to keep the title. That’s a heel champion move, but Triple H is the underdog face. So why did we have the stipulation? Why was it SUCH a big deal?

3 ½ kitties out of 5.

Cewsh: This is feud of the year, so far. I love Hardy vs. Hardy, but this feud has just taken it to a whole different level. Orton’s achieving levels of evil in his character that I don’t honestly think I’ve seen before in all of my time watching wrestling. There are many people who aren’t fans of this feud. Most of them aren’t fans of Triple H. I’m not going to make any sort of connection there, simply making an observation. The thing that seems to be lost in this feud, so far, is just how drastically it’s going to change the landscape of the WWE following this show. Triple H is openly and officially a McMahon. The entire McMahon family has turned definitively face. Randy Orton is the biggest heel in professional wrestling. This feud, like it or not, is one of the biggest deals in recent history, and it’s coming to a pinnacle here, in the main event of Wrestlemania. Randy Orton’s day has finally dawned.

The story of this match is that Orton secured a stipulation that if Triple H was counted out or disqualified, then Triple H would lose the title to Orton. Therefore, even though Triple H wants to murder Randy Orton, he has to try his best to hold his temper and wrestle a more traditional match to keep Orton from winning the prize he’s sought all along. Triple H does this, but with loads of hesitation, often straying to his desires to punish Orton. That tenuous line between getting the revenge he seeks and keeping Orton from Orton’s goal is the one this match dances on, and it leaves many holes for Orton to exploit throughout. Orton has no moral dilemmas. Orton wants only to beat Triple H and humiliate him.

That said, the match starts off very strangely. There are some punches, the ref pulls Triple H off of Orton, and BANG! Orton hits the RKO. But instead of, I don’t know, WINNING THE TITLE, he sits back and decides that he wants to go for the punt. He misses, BANG! Pedigree. At this point, I’m just sitting here as both guys are knocked out wondering if I’ve somehow been fast forwarded through the match to the end somehow, but no. Both guys spend a few minutes trying to recover from the effects of the finishers, and then Triple H stalks Orton and just lays an ass beating on him. Finally Orton takes over and starts methodically wearing down Triple H in his usual way.

Unfortunately, the opening moments of the match kind of killed the crowd for the rest, and this match suffers as a result. These two tried something unique, with a very different match setup from WWE style, both men being weakened and woozy after being hit by established kill moves right off the bat. I really like that they’re experimenting, and I love a match that gives me different ways to see a familiar style. The crowd, though, was expecting more of a brawl than a story heavy, slower paced match. It definitely hurt the first half of this match. By the time Orton gives the crowd one of his evil looks, though, they’re back in, as Triple H takes Orton to town. Finally he throws him over the rope, raises a tv monitor to hit Orton, but remembers the stipulation and has to let it go. Opting instead to Pedigree Orton through the announce table, it’s reversed (like always), and he takes a short fall onto a table that doesn’t break, and then he gets a huge hangover DDT from Orton to the floor.

By this point the fans are getting rowdy and so am I. Triple H BARELY survives a countout, to take even more of a beating, but the crowd can sense that a comeback is right around the corner. Triple H starts to fire back, only to be shut down and tossed into the ref. REF BUMP. In comes Orton with a sledgehammer to cheat his way to victory and Triple H absolutely drills him with a punt to the head. Who will use the hammer? Will Triple H get disqualified? Will Orton cheat his way to Wrestlemania glory?

WAFO. Watch And Find Out.


82 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Triple H over Randy Orton Via A Pedigree.
The Ending:

Vice: I’m not sure what to think about the finish. Obviously it’s great to see the good guy get complete retribution for all the events leading up to the match by FUCKING KILLING Orton, and Orton really shouldn’t have won. It’s also good to see the biggest heel on RAW get FUCKING KILLED to end the biggest show. But it all felt a little underwhelming. Wrestlemania main events usually have those massive holy shit hot finishes and this was just kind of there. It made complete and total sense, but I don’t know if it’s the finish you should end a Wrestlemania with. Maybe Backlash. I dunno.

Ms. Cewsh: Triple H wins the title. Of course he did. He HAD to! Orton destroyed his wife, his father-in-law, his whole family. That’s not the kind of thing you can let the heel win after. Orton’s going to get a rematch, because Trips used the sledgehammer. Good. I’m really hoping Orton will win the title back at Backlash, they keep the feud going, and they trade it back and forth for awhile. Because the whole thing is gold.

Cewsh: The ending. The internet lit itself on fire following Triple H’s win over Orton. Screams from the mouths of so many smarks that it revolved into a collective cyclone of disapproval. I’m not going to preach here about how any of you should feel about this match. Should Orton have won? I don’t know. Was he ever going to? No he wasn’t, and in knowing that, I think that maybe I was simply able to accept what was in front of me without the sky high expectations that others seemed to have. In the end it doesn’t much matter to me, because I got exactly what I wanted. This match was a great brawl between two men who hated each other, with one of them desperate to get the title, and the other desperate to keep it from him, simply out of spite if nothing else. There was emotion, there was intensity, and there were two of the best wrestlers in the industry today going full out.

————————————————————————————
Cewsh’s Condominiums:

Cewsh: You know, this show seems to be receiving a very great deal of love and hate, mostly hate, from wrestling fans at large. I can certainly see why, as many of these matches seemed to be disappointing for many people, and some of the booking decisions seemed downright bizarre, but at the end of the show, I asked myself, “Self. Did you enjoy yourself?” And you know what? I did. And that’s good. Because I’ll be thinking about it quite a bit after they lock me away for talking to myself. ATTICA!

The pacing of the show was odd. The first half was lightning quick, with a million things happening and million people in every match. Then the second half was just three extremely long matches, with much of anything breaking them up. After Taker/Michaels, I think more time was needed to recover, because that match was exhausting (in a good way). Still though, I’m walking away from this show entirely glad that I paid to see it. I will never ask for more than to feel like I got my money’s worth, and I did.

Besides, love it or hate it, it still beats TNA.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 72.5 out of 100.
Vice’s Ventilation:

Vice: I thought it was a decent show. Leading up to the event, the card didn’t exactly blow me away, but it’s Wrestlemania and they usually don’t disappoint. It’s the show that, no matter how much someone despises wrestling, will be worth watching if only for the spectacle of it all. It certainly didn’t deliver the goods like previous years, but it had big shoes to fill from last year which was one of the best Wrestlemanias I’ve ever seen. A couple shaky decisions here, couple of things that really irritated me, some stuff I loved, STEAMBOAT, some good and bad booking. It had a bit of everything and I’d expect no less.

Vice’s Final Score: 64 out of 100.
Ms.Cewsh’s Final Purr:

Ms. Cewsh: Despite what you’ve heard, Cewsh and I differ. I saw two great matches, three good to mediocre matches, and two awful matches. To me, that adds up to a mediocre to bad show. The bad outweighs the good, dragging the whole product down around it. To Cewsh, the good outweighs the bad, elevating the rest of the show. I don’t know which is right, but I do know I can’t, in good conscience, recommend this show. Watch MITB, the Hardys, and maybe Triple H/Orton and Taker/Michaels if you’ve been enjoying the feuds.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 31 sleeping kitties out of 50.

Alright boys and girls, that brings our historic first Wrestlemania review to a close. I hope you guys all enjoyed our endless wit, and small graphical upgrades. We here at the Cewsh Reviews Institute are committed to bringing you the very finest in wrestling reviews. Or, since that requires work, we’re committed to bringing you us having a great time watching some shows and sharing them with you all. In that vein, I would like to make the announcement that Cewsh Reviews will now be doing WEEKLY reviews from now on, so check back every Tuesday for Classic shows, independent up and comers, and the biggest shows from your favorite promotions, as they get hyped, ripped, and snarked by your friendly neighborhood Cewsh Reviews team. As always, thanks for reading, and be good to each other out there.