Cewsh: Oh, TNA.
This is the peak of the aforementioned, “Period of Woe” from TNA, a period which was so bad that it seemed to go on and on without any hope of change or betterment. The trend would eventually curb itself, but here, we are ass deep in the pain. This show was so bad that it actually struck Vice into complete silence for an entire night. And trust me, when you get to that point in the show, you’ll know why.
Welcome once again, cats and kittens, to the crème de la crème of wrestling reviews. Today we have a special treat for you all, a TNA show. Woooooo! In all seriousness, there really isn’t a ton to be excited about here. We have, thus far in our time reviewing, (6 month anniversary coming up in April!) never enjoyed a TNA show. We have, if I’m not mistaken, never even given a TNA show a rating that would do IWA:MS proud. They’ve been lackluster shows, filled with lackluster matches, performed by misused and underwhelming talent, for the most part. But I feel something in the air today, boys and girls. I feel a lightness in my heart and a spring in my step. Maybe this time, THIS TIME, TNA will throw off the shackles of convention and actually provide us with a show that we can be proud of; that we can stand up, head held high, and proudly announce that Cewsh Reviews…approves of TNA.
It’s a nice dream. But if it’s all the same to you, I’ll just go ahead and prepare the scathing snark. I get the feeling it just might come in handy.
Cewsh: Hmm. Well this was depressing.
Don’t get me wrong, it was kind of stirring and inspirational, I guess. At first; it was very different and unlike anything I had ever seen from a wrestling promo. And then, it became entirely generic and boring. Almost had me there for a second TNA! Allllllmost.
Cewsh: First of all, that whole thing with Don West and Mike Tenay squabbling constantly, with West supporting the heels just to spite Tenay? Yeah, that’s still going. Not only is it still going , but it still dominates the announcing in every single match. Well before the end of this match, I stopped caring what they had to say, though West has actually been taking to this new character incredibly well. Secondly, this match features Sarah Palin. Of course it’s actually Daffney, (of WCW fame,) and they refer to her simply as “The Governor”, but they’ve clearly pushed her as a Sarah Palin imposter for months, only now they are also pushing her as a serious wrestler. WHY?! She already revealed that she is not, in fact, Sarah Palin. SO WHY IN THE FUCK IS SHE STILL SARAH PALIN?!
I need an aspirin. We are one match into this show, and I’ve already harmed myself with nothing but the power of thought.
There was a match here. I would have loved my life slightly more if there hadn’t been. It was the exact same match we’ve gotten on the last two PPVs, except this time we also got “The Governor” and a less attractive version of the blondes we already had. Hooray for progress.
42 out of 100.
Vice: Why do all the knockouts have porn star names? Love, Sky, Wilde, Rain, THE GOVERNOR…
The match was crap, but that was to be expected, but who fucking cares. My queen was in the ring.
Cewsh: Jeff Jarrett is the special referee of the main event. That not being enough, Mick Foley is ALSO the special enforcer of the main event. They’re acting like they are going to be impartial observers, with Jarrett, specifically, acting like he has only the company’s best interests at heart. Yeah. Better odds of Secretariat resurrecting himself and winning the Daytona 500. Much more amusingly, in the middle of the ensuing Foley interview, Brutus Magnus’ name, (from his entrance video,) flashed across the screen. Immediately following that, the camera guy walked into the light, and you could clearly see his silhouette on the couch next to Foley. These things aren’t huge deals in and of themselves, but do magnify the already lesser production values of this company.
Also, can Foley please stop trying to resurrect his hardcore promos from yesteryear? They don’t have the fire they once did, no matter how much he yells. Without that passion, it’s just the inane rambling of a middle-aged man; one whom had enormous success, but is still bitter for some reason. Moving on…
Cewsh: Magnus offers an open challenge here, his shtick of late. Who should answer it but…some random soldier? Out comes the random guy to a confused reaction, only for him to introduce Eric Young as the mystery opponent. The crowd, and I, greets this with extreme apathy, as Eric Young has not changed or grown as a character one iota since the last time I complained about this. Or the time before, or the time before that…
Anyway, there was a botch in this match that was just horrible and blatant, and that was honestly the only memorable part. Magnus does have a great deal of charisma, in my humble opinion, and his interesting mannerisms go a long way to disguise his obvious inexperience in the ring. I think there’s something special to him, and he could really go places if they tweak his persona a bit. Unfortunately, he hasn’t yet had the chance to have a truly decent match. Maybe when they start putting him with actual heavyweights, like himself, he’ll have the chance to expand his grasp of psychology past needless power moves with no context.
I wish I had more to say here, but I don’t. The finish was wayyy more than was necessary for this match, but at least they tried to do something to stand out. I hate to do this, but I think its time.
PLEASE FIRE ERIC!
PLEASE FIRE ERIC!
He’ll be better off.
55 out of 100.
Vice: Magnus still looks like a goofy wanker with his helmet that’s 9 sizes too large. He looks cool in his gladiator outfit, but he strips down all the way to generic shorts. It’s just silly.
Eric’s gimmick is that he’s not afraid of his pyro. Awesome. The match wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t really anything at all. Just there. With a botch.
Cewsh: Sheik Abdul Bashir comes out and rants about not being used. Apparently the reason he doesn’t get booked is because he isn’t white. He then bursts into tears, talks about the discrimination he faces, and he gets truly emotional. Right when he’s at his most sympathetic, out comes the ultra-Southern Jim Cornette to belittle and yell at him. Cornette tells him that he doesn’t like him, which is, of course, shocking. Then Cornette makes a show of embarrassing him and putting over the soldier who showed up earlier.
I know it goes against tradition to look at the racism in wrestling this way, but it’s so embarrassing for me to watch a program so clearly biased along race and ethnic lines. This is the kind of stuff that has always made wrestling seem backwards and redneckish, to non-fans. This is EXACTLY the kind of thing that keeps this industry from ever being anything progressive. For every heel like Chris Jericho or Randy Orton who capitalizes on something real, true, and current; there are 10 guys like Daivari. Characters who will be typecast their whole careers because there’s no room for an ethnic character in wrestling who doesn’t follow a stereotype. Vince McMahon should be ashamed for how often he has propagated this kind of nonsense, but Jeff Jarrett, Dixie Carter, and TNA should be even more ashamed. WWE acts out of tradition and habit. TNA had a chance to do something new, and they haven’t.
God bless America.
Cewsh: Kurt Angle wants the support of the Mafia against Sting, but they all refuse to help. So it’ll just be Angle vs. Sting with no interference or shenanigans. Ahahahaha, right. And I’m a pretty pony princess. And clearly I’m not. I’m a fucking BEAUTIFUL pony princess.
Vice: “Retarded” is the only fitting word here.
Cewsh: The object of this match is to throw your opponent on the tacks. Or maybe it’s just to pin your opponent. Either way, don’t kid yourself, thumbtacks will be employed here, and Abyss will go onto them. That’s how it works. Morgan is wearing nothing but trunks, and Abyss sleeps in the damn things. Now, Orton changed things up on us in his match with Foley in similar circumstances several years ago, and that might happen again here, but yeah, Abyss will probably go into the tacks whether he wins or loses.
These guys fight, and evidently the objective IS to put your opponent on the tacks. Handily, this being the case, there are tacks everywhere, including in the ring, at ringside, and ON A POLE. Yes, you heard right. In a match that has nothing at all to do with poles, there is a pole where a completely superfluous bag of tacks is located. Naturally Abyss runs to retrieve it and is beaten up. Christ.
Alright, so we have a tacks match, where the objective is to put your hated opponent on the tacks, in order to win and defeat your former-best friend. Naturally, then, it would make sense for Abyss to pull out a bag full of glass which would NOT HELP HIM WIN THIS MATCH. And then said glass is never used. Nor are the tacks brought down from the pole or anything else that has been established to this point. WOO! Oh wait, I mean none of this makes ANY sense. My bad.
44 out of 100.
Cewsh: Booker T doesn’t want to put his Legend’s title on the line. He has to anyway. If I were with you right now, watching this, I’d put my hand over the screen and distract you with a clever limerick about porcupines.
Cewsh: Close your eyes and pick any woman you’d like to have sex with in TNA. Now imagine that your current fantasy has been flooded with snakes. Welcome to the comparative horror that is this business here. I guess this is supposed to be entertaining, but it just felt like a drawn out and annoying Impact segment that had no purpose. Perhaps this is the start of a huge push for Cody Deaner. Perhaps this is the beginning of a worthwhile and well thought out booking plan. The kind that spans years and years in an attempt to produce the highest quality product, draws PPV buys and overall interest, and establishes TNA as a serious force in this brand of entertainment.
Or maybe someone backstage thought it was funny and decided to make people pay for the “privilege” of seeing it. You decide.
And when you’re done deciding, allow me to disregard your opinion. This was fucking terrible. FUCKING TERRIBLE. FUCKING FUCKSHIT ASSCRUTCHING LICKTHUMPING CUNTWRECHNING SHITBITCH CHRIST ON A FUCKING PILLSBURY FUCKING BISCUIT. TAKE ME NOW LORD OF THE MORNING! I AM READY TO FEEL YOUR MOLTEN TOUCH!
I hear that in person, she’s actually quite lovely looking. Take that for what you will.
Cewsh: Beer Money cuts a promo about how they’re going to beat up Team 3D. Between that and the fact that they’re the first thing I’ve seen since that last segment, these guys are, by far, the biggest faces on the show.
Cewsh: This is a heel vs. heel women’s match.
Kong, I wish every night that one day someone will arrive that let’s you be entertaining again. Please, let me know when that woman shows up. In the meantime, I’ll be looking at porn.
11 out of 100.
Vice: Take Cewsh’s hatred for it and multiply by 1.2938 and you’ll understand how I feel right now.
This PPV is fucking awful and retarded so far. What has happened to TNA?
Can Joe save it?
Cewsh Note: Let the record show that following this match, Vice entered a sort of enraged stupor that he didn’t recover from until we finished reviewing the show the next day.
Cewsh: Apparently not.
I have made my thoughts on this feud known far and wide, but I’ll summarize: Joe has been stalking Steiner, putting a knife to his throat, and threatening to kill him on more than one occasion for no real explainable reason. Why is Joe going after Steiner and not any other member of the group that beat him down? Why has Joe not encountered any legal ramifications, when Styles got arrested for just stealing a belt? Who cares? Not TNA, clearly.
So here Joe has a haircut, a new look, (pants, apparently,) and a new style. That style is basically that he beats the ever loving shit out of everyone who gets within 10 feet of him. He busts Steiner open immediately and then wails on him until the match is stopped. Then he continues beating Steiner mercilessly and savagely. Steiner gets not one single punch in. Joe then drags Steiner’s bloody body out to the parking lot and off camera. How am I the only person who sees that this is making Steiner sympathetic? Making him seem like the heroic underdog good guy, against the bloodthirsty, law breaking savage? This is just a huge miscalculation on TNA’s part. Maybe this will go somewhere important, I don’t know, but right now, it just makes me so fucking angry that I can’t see straight.
I almost boycotted the product altogether when Joe first pulled the knife on Steiner. A big part of me is still wishing I had.
0.86 out of 100.
Cewsh: AJ Styles cuts a good promo backstage, about how this whole issue is about the legends against the young lions. Which is great, except that the feud hasn’t been about that for months now. He looks like kind of a sad fool still chasing after the Mafia even though they’ve totally forgotten about him.
Cewsh: God bless AJ Styles.
It took AJ Styles showing up in this match and busting his ass from start to finish, finally waking the crowd from their stupor and lending a spark to this dreary show. He brings his A-game, bumping so smoothly, and moving so fast, that it actually seems like everyone else has been moving in slow motion. If there was a sort of general malaise about the show that kept everyone from performing at their best, it clearly does not affect AJ here. He was just, simply, phenomenal. I simply can’t say enough about him. Booker, who I have busted on for mailing it in of late, turned in a very solid performance of his own. It was almost like he got caught up in AJ’s excitement and wanted to run with the kids one more time.
This match wasn’t amazing. This match wasn’t even particularly special. What this match WAS, was the best match on what has, so far, been a terrible show. It would have merely been a solid match on a better show, but I’m not going to fault them for that. It was what it was; now let’s hope the rest tonight can aspire to such heights.
75 out of 100.
Cewsh: Joe is walking through the parking lot with a bloody knife.
Lauren asks what he’s done with Steiner. Joe laughs.
He then pulls the knife on Lauren. He claims that he’s going to kill the entire Main Event Mafia.
Just fucking wonderful.
Cewsh: Alright, so the idea here is that this is an Off The Wagon challenge match. What that basically means is, Beer Money puts the titles on the line, but only if the other team agrees that if Beer Money wins, the person who gets pinned or submits is immediately fired from TNA. In the past few weeks, this resulted in the kayfabe firings of Lance Rock and Petey Williams. The whole situation drew the ire of Team 3D, who, as usual, have no reason to be here except that they’ve won a lot of tag titles, and don’t have much else to do.
This match is fairly long and decently worked by Beer Money, as you might expect. I don’t really have any complaints about the match itself. What happened at the end of the match, however, is something I have many, many, many complaints about. You have a match with a really screwy finish, and having one after the night so far, you could see the crowd visibly deflate. And who can blame them? Only AJ, of all the faces in TNA, did anything heroic tonight. And then, immediately after, it was buried under this.
What is there left to look forward to? A heel vs. heel main event. This is not rocket science. You give the fans what they want to see, as much as you can afford to do so. When you can’t, you book the show in such a way as to ease the pain of the result they didn’t want. None of that exists here; every match and segment is off in its own universe, affecting nothing, adding nothing, and meaning nothing.
Then we have this business with Tenay and West. The idea seems to be that Tenay cheers the faces and sucks up to them. West, feels betrayed that his dear friend Tenay almost let him get fired at a booking meeting, and has chosen to go the opposite route to try to see things from the heels’ points of view. Whether this is a full heel turn, or simply his way of antagonizing Tenay, it’s hard to say; either way it should probably go without saying that West is right, Tenay did betray him like a cunt. He does suck up unduly to the wrestlers he’s supposed to, and does defend their actions, even when they’re worse than what the heel does. So who’s the heel here? West, for having an open mind and fighting for his job to feed his kids; or Tenay, who constantly shits on West during every broadcast, betrayed his friend, and looks like a muppet that was left out in the sun too long?
I know where my vote lies.
Oh yeah, there was a match here.
68 out of 100.
Cewsh: I am absolutely counting on this match to make this show tolerable. But there are some odd wild cards in place here. For one, Suicide is in this match. Whether this version of Suicide is SuiKaz, or SuiDaniels, I have no idea. If it’s Daniels, then this isn’t going to be good. Daniels is a superior worker in every way to Kazarian, but just doesn’t fit the style and can’t perform the moveset necessary to play this character. If it’s Kazarian, things might get interesting, because he always goes nuts in these Ultimate X matches. We’ll have to see.
Everybody shows up and the action starts immediately. We’re going note format from here.
– Suicide turns out to be SuiDaniels. At least I assume so based on Daniels’ trade mark “stick in the ass” posture, awkward kicking offense, and the crowd’s loud chants of “Fallen Angel”.
– The teamwork in this match really is the highlight. Sabin and Shelley working together, and Creed and Lethal working together, with Suicide trying to do it all on his own, really makes for an interesting dynamic.
– If this is Kazarian and not Daniels, the Kazarian got about 70% more awkward in the ring overnight.
– The problem with these Ultimate X matches, is that they read so blatantly like a list of spots. All matches like this are spotfests, but it’s literally set up and approached like they’re ticking off a list of spots given to them before hand, and are trying to get through all of them before they forget one. No real transitions, no real attempt at psychology. No thought. Its just move after move after move. The moves are cool, but ultimately they don’t mean anything, and the more times you see somebody get dropped off of the ropes, the less impressive it seems, especially when it happens so many times in one match.
– Nice finish to the match, though I have this crazy feeling like someone did something very similar before. Leaping to the center to grab the belt. Reminds me of the guy named Chris I saw once. He sure did get to be on a lot of hype videos after doing it. Hmm. Go figure. In all seriousness though, if it is Daniels in the Suicide outfit, then why have him do the distinctive Daniels move while playing somebody else? Seems like a weird decision.
Anyway, best match of the night so far, even if that doesn’t say a ton for this show. Entertaining, but ultimately (see what I did there?) a little underwhelming.
78 out of 100.
Vice: Best match so far.
It wasn’t good at all in a technical sense, but it was enjoyable. Very spotty and fun, and they added some new spots and stuff which was a breath of fresh air. I liked that there were two tag teams in this match, and they both worked as teams for the most part. Lethal boosting Creed up onto the ropes, potentially sacrificing his chance at winning for the chance to get his tag partner the X Division belt was great. Then the Guns working together to take Creed down, knowing that they were in danger of losing, was nice.
In the pre-match interviews, both teams were talking about how it didn’t matter who won, as long as it was someone from that team. It was nice, especially how it played out during the match. It shows how strong the bonds are between the tag teams. This was a good “first” showing from Suicide. He went clutch at the end with an awesome finish to the match.
SUICIDE IS YOUR NEW TNA X DIVISION CHAMPION.
Cewsh: Sting is backstage, talking about his upcoming match with Kurt Angle for the TNA World Heavyweight Championship. He keeps repeating that he’s “all in” over and over. Did anybody ever tell him that there are other options in poker than just all in? He could check, and just sort of wait and see what Angle will wager. Doing it this way makes him look like an excitably 13 year old boy getting to play with his dad’s poker buddies for the first time. Eaaaaasy there, Stinger. It’s okay. Go have a Fudgesicle.
Vice: This match should be huge. Sting, Angle, Jarrett as ref, Foley as enforcer.. but it’s just meh. Jeremy Borash, while doing the match introduction, says “…coming to you LIIIIIVE from Universal Studios Orlando!”, which pretty much shows how “big” this match is. Yar? TNA really needs to get their asses out of Orlando for all their PPVs. I don’t know if they don’t have the money, lack of cities with solid fanbases, or if they’re just being nice to their loyal “fans” in Orlando.. but they need to go on the road. Now.
The match itself isn’t bad, but it’s pretty much shows everything wrong with TNA. 3 fucking massive people and Jeff Jarrett, with the top prize in TNA on the line, and it feels like a random Smackdown match. Can TNA have a main event without controversy and tons of shit happening? Seriously. I also love how Jarrett takes a simple clothesline and is knocked out like any other referee in the history of wrestling. Fuck sake. THAT’S WHY SPECIAL REFEREES ARE THERE, SO THEY DON’T GET KNOCKED DOWN WITH A GUST OF AIR.
Oh yeah—Jarrett punched Angle at the end after getting a wad of spit in his eye and a punch to the jaw. Sting’s finishers need revamping too. His scorpion deathlock is the least painful looking thing I have ever seen in my life. Yeah, less painful than the STFU. And his scorpion death drop? EYAAAAAAACK~!! I FELL BACKWARDS!! HOW CAN I KICK OUT OF THIS!? I get that he’s been using those since the dawn of time and he’s “mastered” the moves, but it’s like the Hogan leg drop—EVERYTHING building up to the move looked twenty times more painful.
Fuck I hate Sting as champion. Fuck I hate the direction TNA is going and the direction of the Main Event Mafia.
Cewsh: Yeah, this match is stupid.
I know, I know. I’m the positive one, and I should be giving this match a chance. I’d love to. But this feud is predicated on the idea that Sting is a heel, but only when it’s convenient for him. And the fact that Kurt Angle suddenly, out of nowhere, decided that Sting was the greatest evil in the world, despite absolutely no real prompting or inspiration from anyone or anything.
You also have Jarrett pretending to be impartial, despite having his ankle broken by Angle only 3 months ago. And let’s not forget Mick Foley. Mick Foley, who can’t decide whether he’s cuddly or hardcore, and winds up coming off as neither. 4 men, all legends of the ring, all complete irrelevant now. This match could have been a Wrestlemania main event as recently as 3 years ago. Now, it barely seems like the most important match on this card.
Fucking twitshit, TNA. These are two of the biggest names that have ever been associated with wrestling, both of them excellent wrestlers, somewhat past their prime, but still with lots to offer. This feud could be Ric Flair and Shawn Michaels. Instead you’ve given us Shark Boy and Funaki. There’s just no reason to care anymore. It’s simply unforgivable.
The match was fine. It was nothing special, but they did their best under the circumstances. The finish though. God, the finish was such a clusterfuck, I’m not entirely sure I understand everything that happened. There were too many people involved, too many things happening, and just simply too many things that made no sense and had no purpose. This feud isn’t over, clearly. Not by a long shot. Boy am I excited to see where they go with this next. Woo, break out the streamers!
70 out of 100.
Cewsh: This show was bad. Not “funny ha ha bad” like a good indy show, or “awful, but we’ll get a great review out of it” like a BAD indy show. No. This show was unpleasant for us to watch, and will likely be unpleasant for you to read. There is no rhyme or reason to the sheer depths that TNA seems to be willing to let their product fall to. I hope it’s just the smark in me, that I have tried so hard to exorcise, that is preventing me from enjoying these shows. I hope the people who go to the shows and pay to see them are getting their money’s worth. I hope so. Because otherwise I’m going to find it hard to sleep at night thinking that somebody thinks that this is a good wrestling product that they’re putting on here.
Shame on you, TNA. You’ve taken every opportunity to spit in my eye and make me ashamed that I ever defended you. Like an abused girlfriend, thanks to these reviews, I’ll be back for more pain next month, hoping and praying that this time, things have changed. Fuck you all in your diseased, flea ridden asses. I hope you all get AIDS.
Vice: This was just a terrible show. Really, really terrible. It wasn’t terrible in a funny/awesome/so bad it was great kind of way. It was just terrible and showed EXACTLY what’s wrong with the company. How much are TNA PPVs? Like $30 or $35? That’s a goddamn crime.
PPVs, along with being very enjoyable and commercial free, are supposed to give people answers to their questions about what’s happening with storylines and stuff. You further stories on Impact and to see the result, you have to buy the PPV. When you’re blown away by what happened at the PPV, you’re supposed to watch the next television broadcast because you can’t wait to see what happens next. That’s what it’s supposed to do. But no, TNA PPVs don’t actually do anything. Nothing ever happens. They leave you with many more questions and attempt to get you to watch Impact to get your answers. WELL IF I HAVE TO WATCH IMPACT TO GET MY ANSWERS, THEN WHY THE FUCK SHOULD I SPEND $30+ ON THE PPV? Brilliant!
Oh yeah, and the stories never really end. There are no conclusions. I used to love how everything was intertwined compared to WWE, but the only time TNA ever ends anything is if it’s dropped completely and entirely out of the blue. Everything else just goes on and on and on and slowly shifts into something else. Nothing has that satisfying “oooooooooooohhhhhhhhh” that is worth paying to see. You don’t need to order the PPVs. You can watch all their bullshit for free!
TNA shocks me. Back when they had a bunch of terrible workers, guys fresh out of the indies with little experience outside of flying over the top rope, guys like Savage coming in to win main events, Jarrett with a stranglehold on the title, guys like RHINO being able to win big titles, and zero production value.. they put on great, enjoyable PPVs. You look at the card and say ewwww shit that’s awful, but they were lovely. There were always a couple of things I loved. The TV was beyond shit, but I could always rely on the PPVs.
Now they have star power. Actual star power. They have massive names. They have a LOT of great talent. They have much, much better production. They have all the tools in the world to put on a great wrestling show, but nothing is working. They don’t have a clue what to do with the talent they have. The better the roster gets, the more shit the company becomes. Every step forward is five steps back. Right now, TNA is getting the best ratings it’s ever gotten.. which means that somehow, somewhere, something is working. So failing is actually making them succeed. Ugh. I can’t imagine what the product is going to be like in a few months.
This is the first PPV that I’ve truly wanted to completely give up on. Sure I might bitch during others, but I’ll keep watching to see what happens next. Something will redeem it, yeah? I was almost in tears when I was watching this. It gave me a migraine and made me hate the world. Honestly, at one point, I considered emailing Cewsh the little of what I had written down and telling him sorry, and that I just couldn’t finish. Even then, I still can’t come up with anything to say about a few matches. I just didn’t care about them. They could have been decent or even good, but I was so flabbergasted by what I had witnessed earlier that I was numb.
You want to know what wrestling is like when it’s done completely wrong? Watch this show. Watch the backstage segment where Joe is covered in dirt with a bloody knife, implying that he actually killed Steiner, and then says he’s going to KILL the others.
There are no awards this time around, for 2 reasons. One, I don’t feel as if I should spend the time doing them, considering just how bad I thought this show was and two, well, I made some really awesome new awards and kind of saved over my old ones. The new ones shall debut in the Wrestlemania review. So, I’m sorry—I’m not wasting them on this review. :angelic:
Do I seem bitter?
Cewsh: And because we feel like we’ve cheated you with how bad this show, and subsequently review, have been. Here, as an added bonus, are a few snippets of our IM conversation going on while we were watching this show.
DashboardFonz: You somehow added 7%.
Envious Vice: Preeeeetty pretty crazy.
DashboardFonz: So, you want to review this turd?
Envious Vice: Sure.
Envious Vice: If my computer lets me, that is.
DashboardFonz: What’s the worst that could happen? It break the laws of physics MORE.
Envious Vice: Well, uh.. my processor could melt onto the motherboard.
DashboardFonz: It could, becoming so warm from overwork, fuse with the motherboard and create a spark, causing your computer to reengineer itself, becoming self aware.
Envious Vice: Uh oh.
DashboardFonz: Then, at 7:16 AM on March 17, 2009, ViceNet goes online, firing nuclear missles at all other countries with automatic weapon systems.
DashboardFonz: The extra 6 hours were because even a sentient computer takes that long to wade through all the internet porn to find anything useful.
Envious Vice: All because of a TNA PPV. When they said “oh it can’t be the end of the world”.. THEY. WERE. WRONG.
DashboardFonz: That’s a great movie idea.
DashboardFonz: “The wrestling show so bad it ended the world.”
DashboardFonz: “Starring Nathan Jones.”
DashboardFonz: And Christopher Walken as the wisecracking computer.
Envious Vice: And Samuel L. Jackson as… VINCE RUSSO.
Envious Vice: WE AIN’T GOT ENOUGH MOTHERFUCKING POLE MATCHES UP IN THIS MOTHERFUCKING COMPANY.
DashboardFonz: “One man, faced with the destiny of man, at the very point of salvation of extinction, had a plan.”
DashboardFonz: “A.I. vs. Nathan Jones in a Blinfold, doomsday button on a muthafucking pole match!”
DashboardFonz: “But Vince! Computers don’t need blindfolds!”
DashboardFonz: “AHA! THAT”S THE MUTHAFUCKING SWERVE!”
DashboardFonz: Directed by M. Night Shamalan.
Envious Vice: Ahaha.
DashboardFonz: I would actually watch that.
Envious Vice: TAG IN DAFFERS.
DashboardFonz: Maybe then this will be interesting!
Envious Vice: NO
DashboardFonz: No! Not the midget!
Envious Vice: DAFFERS NOT WILDE
Envious Vice: If Daffers gets stripped out of her suit, this PPV gets a 10.
Envious Vice: KICK OUT
Envious Vice: 😦
DashboardFonz: Ahahaha, what?!
Envious Vice: There was a pole with a bag of thumbtacks.
DashboardFonz: Oh for fuck’s sake.
Envious Vice: Here’s how I would win this match.
Envious Vice: I would hit the other guy and make him fall on the canvas.
Envious Vice: I’d place thumbtacks next to him.
Envious Vice: I would then roll him over onto the tacks.
Envious Vice: I would put my foot down on him and win.
DashboardFonz: Wouldn’t you win just by waiting until he stepped on a tack, and then stepping on his foot?
Envious Vice: In theory.
Envious Vice: Oh yes. Bring out the glass.
Envious Vice: In a tacks match.
DashboardFonz: I’ve had peanut brittle that was sharper than that “glass” looks.
Envious Vice: You can kill someone with that.
Envious Vice: It’s sad when the absolute best thing about this PPV so far, for me, is a terrible wrestler with a Sarah Palin gimmick.
DashboardFonz: And the best wrestling on this show so far has been done by Brutus Magnus.
Envious Vice: There should be a match where you tag your teammate in by yelling out “TAG!!”.
DashboardFonz: There should also be a Freeze tag team match.
DashboardFonz: FLASHLIGHT TAG!
DashboardFonz: Turn the lights out, try to find your partner.
Well that does it for another review my pretties. The jury’s still out on what our next review will be, but we’ll almost certainly push some haphazard product or other out the door before Wrestlemania comes our way, and we get to the review of the year for the Cewsh Reviews team. Yessir, Wrestlemania, another NJPW Sumo Hall show (with Tanahashi vs. Angle!), and a few new tricks up our proverbial sleeves, April is going to be a month that you’re going to want to spend with the Cewsh Reviews team, as we make our intrepid way across the great expanses of the wrestling world. For now though, be safe, and be good to each other. Onwards to future Tuesdays!