WWE No Way Out 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE NO WAY OUT 2009

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another stirring edition of Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a rare treat for you all, in that we’re actually being treated to a show that we actually want to watch, and review. Its too early, here at the beginning to call this show the Most Welcome and Amazing Fucking Show of All Time, but the sheer fact that Rhino is not in the main event is going a long way to propelling it to those ever so sought after heights.

To anyone who might actually be new to this little rodeo we call Cewsh Reviews…, we keep things spoiler free whenever possible, and that includes not reading spoilers or news of the shows or product before they happen. We only know what we see on television, or, in the case of most WWE shows, what I see on television and relate to Vice later through a steady filter of giddy excitement.

With all of that so eloquently said, let’s get on with the show.

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!


Cewsh: Yes, by the way, that will ALWAYS be the name of segment one.

PLEASE let this show be good. Its been a rough few weeks for the Cewsh Reviews…team’s morale, reviewing terrible indy shows and TNA PPVs.
 

Vice: I don’t like how this video has no flow. It’s just multiple videos strung together. Also, I love how Shane is the plucky son, and yet twice as old as Orton.

Segment 2 – WWE Championship – Elimination Chamber – The Undertaker (Dating Michelle McCool Has Aged Him Roughly 70 Years) vs. The Big (Fucking Tiger Tattoo The Size of a Man’s Head) Show vs. Vladmir (Lance Storm?) Kozlov vs. Triple (97 Time World Champion) H vs. Jeff (Spends His Annual Salary On Wifebeaters) Hardy vs. Edge (The Heel of Our Generation) ©

Cewsh: Alright, so we’re starting off the night with the Smackdown Elimination Chamber. I’m sure you all know how the Chamber matches work, but just in case you do not the idea is that two guys (Edge and Hardy in this case) start the match, and every five minutes one of the four chambers open, and another wrestler is allowed in. The match goes on until everyone has been eliminated by pinfall or submission except for the last man standing, who wins the title. Makes sense? Alright.
 

Spoiler Alert!


Please bear in mind that, much like our Royal Rumble review, just covering this match at all means that spoilers are guaranteed. I tried to make a spoiler free version and it was the most vague and annoying thing ever written. So if you don’t want anything spoiled for you, please stop here.
 


Vice: I love how Undertaker is supposed to be this crazy awesome dead zombie sort of guy with magical powers, and he casually hands his trench coat to the ring guy at the end of his entrance and thanks him.

 
Cewsh: Hardy and Edge start off the match, and it’s the perfect choice, because they’ll carry the workload of this match, and do a ton of bumping for the bigger guys when they come out. Not to mention that Edge and Hardy have some of the best chemistry I’ve ever seen in a main event pairing. And then, just as the match gets going, we get our first elimination, entirely out of nowhere.

 
Vice: I think EVERYONE should just break out of their cages the second the bell rings.

Edge has been pinned by Jeff Hardy following a Roll Up.

Cewsh: Wow! New champion is guaranteed now!

Vice: Edge being eliminated first was brilliant. Fantastic way to start the show.

Vladamir Kozlov has entered the match.

Cewsh: And IMMEDIATELY he starts fucking Jeff Hardy up. I’m not sure what they’re going to do with Kozlov here, as he is still unbeaten in the WWE, and unless he wins the title, he’s going to have to be beaten here. At any rate, Kozlov gets on with the bludgeoning of poor Jeff Hardy.
 

The Big Show has entered the match.

Vice: Big Show is awesome in environments like this.

Cewsh: Aww, poor Jeff. Show and Kozlov immediately team up to beat up a basically unconscious Jeff Hardy. Then they get into a competition to see who can beat up Jeff Hardy the best. And then, as you might expect, their alliance fizzles and the big man war is on like motherfucking Donkey Kong ™. Kozlov and Show go all out on each, just dropping bombs on each other all over the ring, earning Hardy a much needed reprieve from his ass kicking.

Vice: The match got pretty boring when it was Koslov/Hardy, and was about as entertaining as watching paint dry when it was Koslov/Hardy/Show.

Triple H has entered the match.

Vice: HERE COMES HHH!!1@~!

Cewsh: Oh shit! The babyface fire has ignited! Triple H comes out and starts clearing house all over the place, and the crowd goes nuts and eats it up. They even eat up him dropping Hardy like a bad habit. Say what you might about Triple H, the man is over like gangbusters, and gets no less than 3 separate chants within his first minute in this match.

Vice: The match has suddenly become pretty awesome again. Clearly a coincidence.

Cewsh: So now we’ve essentially got two singles matches going on in the ring, with Show and Triple H squaring off, while Kozlov continues kicking a Hardy while he’s down. Then the crowd slowly starts to build to the realization that only the Undertaker is next. With each second that ticks by the crowd chants louder and louder, waiting impatiently for the arrival of the Undertaker to absolutely clean house and save the day. The crowd is distracted momentarily and Triple H and Jeff Hardy tangle up, but then the countdown begins.

3…2…1…Game over boys and girls.

The Undertaker has entered the match.

Cewsh: Out comes the Zombie from the California dessert, and he immediately lays waste to everything in front of him, and behind him, and occasionally threats on entirely different vertical planes. He’s throwing clotheslines, he’s throwing punches, he even DDTs the Big Show on the steel mesh outside the ring, resulting in the sickest bump of the match so far. Then Kozlov makes the mistake of punching the Undertaker on the turnbuckle. Rookie mistake Kozlov.

Vice: Big Show getting DDT’d was NASTY!

Vladamir Kozlov has been pinned by the Undertaker following the Last Ride.

Cewsh: Various mayhem occurs for a few minutes before Jeff Hardy begins scaling the structure like the crazy bastard that he is. Then, in quick succession, a superplex, a Pedigree, and a Swanton off the top of the chamber structure result in an epic elimination for the Giant.

Vice: How is Undertaker still this agile?

The Big Show has been pinned by Triple H following a Jeff Hardy Swanton Bomb Off Of The Top Of A Cell.


Vice: Nice Swanton from Jeff. The man is crazy.

Cewsh: Insanity! This match is INSANITY. The Undertaker grabs Jeff Hardy through the ropes, flips him upside down, and nails a devastating Tombstone Piledriver.

Jeff Hardy is pinned by the Undertaker following a Tombstone.

Vice: HHH or Undertaker as the next champ? Hot. HHH wins, I’m thinking.

Cewsh: I don’t think my words are expressing just how great and exciting this match has been to this point. Everyone is meshing tremendously well, the crowd is on fire for these guys, and the knowledge that a new champion is guaranteed really just adds another layer of excitement to the proceedings. By the end here, everyone involved looks like an absolute warrior, and we get a pairing that we’ve hardly ever seen before, making everything feel fresh, exciting, and fantastic. Triple H and The Undertaker go out there and have a finishing sequence SO good, and SO hot, that I am, right now, chomping at the bit to see these two men wrestle each other.

Vice: Seriously, how is Undertaker still this agile?

Cewsh: This is the way you do business. You have Taker and Triple H wrestle everyone but each other for years and years, so that when they FINALLY meet, it feels so fresh and heated and unpredictable like this. And these guys give it their all. Triple H takes a Tombstone, but gets his foot on the ropes. Taker eats a Pedigree, but kicks out at the last second. Until finally, triple H comes up with a counter for the Last Ride Trap, and springs a Pedigree, dusting off the Undertaker for good.

Vice: Why does a match like this have rope breaks? And let these two feud for fuck sake. They were on fire.

The Undertaker is pinned by Triple H following a Pedigree.
TRIPLE H IS THE NEW WWE CHAMPION!


Cewsh: This match is nearly an hour long. I spent half of it on the edge of my seat, and the last 5 minutes entirely out of it. Can’t say enough about it. This is how you do a gimmick match. Or any goddamn match for that matter.

Vice: King x13. Amazing match, outside of the previously mentioned boring part with Hardy/Koslov/Show. Excellent chemistry between Taker and HHH at the end, which makes me want to see them go at it again, and very soon. You know how I’m always sucking TNA’s popsicle cock for having great opening matches? Yeah. This one puts theirs to shame. Slightly unfair, however, since this was a big title match. Still though—fantastic start. My only fear is that it was so good that the next match or two will be horrible in comparison. Big shoes to fill.

89 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Segment 3 – Edge Is A Sad Panda.


Cewsh: Edge is unhappy about the way things went, as you might imagine, and demands the Vickie restart the match, which she refuses to do, and they get into a small argument before Edge settles down, looking pensive. Hmm. I wonder if he might be formulating a plan?
 


Segment 4 – RSN News Bulletin.


Cewsh: Orton is scary, monotone.
 


Segment 5 – No Disqualification – Randy (His Time Is Now) Orton vs. Shane (May Very Well Die Tonight) McMahon.


Vice: Ok, so, they play a high energy video package to get people hyped up for the match. The video is there to get people salivating over what’s about to happen, and in a sense, it worked. I wanted to see this match. Then there’s a Randy Orton promo. He stands there for a good 5-10 seconds or so before he starts talking. And it’s one of the dullest promos I’ve ever heard. So monotone, so boring. You can practically see the teleprompter in the reflection of his eyes. Is this his gimmick? It completely took me out of the mood.
 

I don’t even know what to say about this match. It was kind of boring and never had that intensity I thought it would have. Orton’s blood was pretty amazing, but outside of that I didn’t really care much for this match. And with them showing Steph in the back a few times, I’d have thought she’d run out at the end to be with her brother who was dying. Or something. Overall this match just felt like a long angle. Orton is apparently psychotic, but I think he looks goofy 75% of the time.

Cewsh: Alright. Shane may very well have to die to make this match as good as it ought to be.
 
For the first half of this match, I struggled to figure out what I wanted to say about it. They started out with some decent wrestling, then some alright brawling, and then Orton got busted open by a monitor shot to the head, and the entire match changed. From that point on, I was into this match the entire way. Even though I hate seeing Shane squash wrestlers, his annihilation of Rhodes was really well done and entertaining. And the blood on Orton just did such a great job of amplifying how evil Orton is even further.
 

Let me say this. This match was all Orton. I don’t want to take away from Shane doing his part and getting some enormous face pops from the crowd, but Orton carried this match on his back, and the whole thing was carefully booked and calculated to make Shane seem like a huge threat, while at the same time, never letting it seem like Orton wasn’t in control of the situation.
 

I know its been echoed to death, but the entire “Viper Orton” character is so scarily well performed by Orton that he’s honestly on a different planet from anyone else in wrestling right now. Edge is at that same level, but Orton’s commitment to it, and use of it are one of those things that I’ll be a mark for until the day I die. He’s so good, it wouldn’t matter if this were a ladder match with Hornswoggle. Orton would make it shine. It really is his time.

79 out of 100.

Randy Orton over Shane McMahon following an R.K.O.




Segment 6 – ECW Championship – Finlay (Placeholder For Christian) vs. Jack (Rajah’s New Bandwagon) Swagger ©.


Cewsh: Alright, now I realize that the majority of the internet wrestling community more than likely regards this match as a really great idea, and will probably make for a great match, and those things are probably both true. Swagger has it in him to be part of a good match, and any young wrestler wrestling Finlay is a lucky young wrestler indeed.
 

That said, I have almost no interest in this match. Its really nothing against either guy (though even Rhino has a more dynamic character, at present, than Finlay, its just that this match is clearly happening because they’re saving Christian/Swagger for Wrestlemania. Which is the right decision without a doubt, but it makes this match pretty much just filler, and its hard not to regard it as such.
 

Perfectly serviceable match, but it would be hard to describe it as anything more than that.

73 out of 100.

Vice: Fuck the ECW title is big. So very, very big.

-Fuck Hornswoggle. Finlay should kill the little shithead.

-Someone should do something outlandish one day like work the opponent’s right leg!

-I think Finlay has one of the best looks in wrestling today. He genuinely looks like he’d kill you in a fight.

-Swagger has a good look

-In a real fight without a midget sidekick, Finlay would have killed Swagger.

-Fuck Hornswoggle.

Match was eh. It was there and solid, but nothing beyond that.
 

Jack Swagger over Finlay following a Gutwrench Powerbomb.

Segment 7 – Shawn (Potential Hobo) Michaels vs. JBL (Potential Flotation Device).


Cewsh: Alright, so the back story of this match is that Michaels lost all of his money in the stock market and had to go to work for JBL. JBL made him do all sorts of questionable stuff, and after becoming frustrated at Shawn’s inability to help him beat John Cena for the World title, they decided to meet in the ring to settle things here at No Way Out, with Shawn’s contract on the line. If Shawn wins, he’s free of JBL forever. If JBL wins, he owns Shawn’s likeness, merchandising rights, and WWE contract for the rest of his career.
 

As for the actual match here? Well its not the greatest. To be honest, it was really a bit of a disappointment in a lot of ways. The match dragged in the beginning, and it kind of dragged in the middle, and by the time the match got interesting towards the end, it was already over in rather anticlimactic fashion for a storyline that has spanned months.
 

Just didn’t click for me, I think. I really hope there’s more to it than this.

70 out of 100.

Vice: Shawn’s wife is way, way too tan. Is she nailing Hogan behind Shawn’s back?

-Ilk is a funny word. Cewsh just said it randomly in our conversation during this event and it tickled me for an unknown reason. Ilk.

-Michaels is very bad when it comes to the dramatic kickout at 2.99. He usually kicks out at 2 flat.

-So Rebecca clocks JBL and it isn’t a DQ? That looked like outside interference to me.

The match was decent. Some pretty good story elements, but I didn’t like the execution of a lot of things. Namely Michaels completely no-selling two clotheslines from hell and prancing around the ring a minute or three later. And the ending. Yeah, it’s a happy ending. I’m glad. Michaels should have been beaten the fuck up for that moment though, like he had to literally fight his way out of hell. With everything on the line, he can’t be dancing around at the end. Oh well.

Also, I don’t like “all on the line” matches. Or storylines that culminate in a “if you lose, you retire forever!” match. 99% of the time it makes everything completely predictable. I guess it could fool the greater majority of the WWE Universe, but it just ruins matches for me. When was the last time they had something huge on the line and the person actually got fucked over?

I remember Team Austin losing a match where he’d get fired or be allowed to give stunners to innocent people, and he had that “I love the shit out of you guys” speech that was very emotional. But of course there was a petition like a week later and oh hey, he’s back. Do something radical, wrestling people.
 

Shawn Michaels over JBL following a Sweet Chin Music.




Segment 8 – Chris Jericho Is Mean To Old People. 

Cewsh: Jericho cuts a promo cutting down Ric Flair, and shows why he’s as good and consistent a promo as you can find in the business these days. I am worried where this is all leading, though. Flair returning to the ring? Not sure how I’d feel about that.

Oh, and Jericho guarantees victory tonight.




Segment 9 – World Heavyweight Championship – Elimination Chamber – John (I Respect Them Babies) Cena © vs. Mike (Main Event Beard) Knox vs. Kane (Job Squad) vs. Kofi King….I mean Edge (Yes Again) vs. Chris (No Longer The Best Heel In This Match) Jericho.


Cewsh: As you may have surmised from the subject header, Edge attacks Kofi on his way to the ring, destroys him with a chair, and then barricades himself in one of the chambers, apparently imposing his way into the match. I’m pretty sure its not supposed to work that way, but its Edge. He does this shit ALL THE TIME. If I were in the same zipcode as a title match on the same night that Edge loses his title, I would relocate. Possibly into space. Regardless of anything else, this match just got 12,000 times more interesting.

Vice: Knox? Really? I might have to challenge him to a beard-off. Also:

-Kane needs new attire for fuck sake.

-Kofi? Really?

-EDGE!

-Of course the black man is the first to die. Shit, he didn’t even make it into the match. Racism.

Cewsh: Mysterio and Jericho start off the match, and they don’t fuck around, they get right down to business. First Mysterio gets his ass thrown like a dart directly into a chamber, and then he Spiderman swings off the top of the chain mesh and gives Jericho a hurracanrana. The excitement is running high when we get our first chamber opening…
 
Vice: Mysterio going head first into the chamber was incredible. Even more incredible was Kane’s “well that’s going to leave a lump on your noggin” smirk right after that. Also, Mysterio’s off the chamber hurricanrana was pretty slick, but it’s a fucking hurricanrana. One of the weakest moves ever.

Kane has entered the match.


Vice: Big Red Monster? I thought he was the Big Red Machine. When did this change?

Cewsh: Kane, as you might expect, is not a nice man. He is also by far the biggest man in this match. So I don’t think I’m shocking anyone when I say that he walks in and immediately starts fucking everyone’s shit right up. He slams everybody and then goes and stares down Edge in his chamber, causing Edge to cower like, well, a coward. The Mysterio, of all people, starts going crazy on Kane, hitting him with all sorts of strikes, which have about as much effectiveness as if I threw a refrigerator at a mosquito. One 619 and a Code Breaker later, though, and then a fucking enormous seated senton off the chamber by Mysterio, and Kane finally get put away.

Kane has been pinned by Rey Mysterio following a Ridiculous High Spot.


Cewsh: Of course, immediately after Kane is eliminated, another chamber door opens. With Rey’s luck, can you guess who’s inside?

Mike Knox has entered the match.


Cewsh: Knox doesn’t pay a single scrap of attention to Jericho at first, instead choosing to kill Rey Mysterio. After a bit of that, though, Knox gets bored and starts chucking Jericho into the fence like a football. In the middle of that, though, Mysterio jumps on his back, earning himself an upside down trip into the fence, and hangs him upside down by his foot. Then, after Mike Knox wanders around looking like an amazing big man, and throwing everyone else around, he finally goes for his finish, but Jericho interrupts with a huge Code Breaker and pins Mike Knox for the elimination.

Vice: Knox killing Rey is quality entertainment.

Mike Knox has been pinned by Chris Jericho following a Code Breaker.


Cewsh: Uh oh. Open chamber time!

Edge has entered the match.


Cewsh: Poor Edge. The door opens, and Mysterio immediately is all over his ass, going after him like a man possessed right up until Jericho nails him from behind, putting him out for the time being. After that, Jericho and Edge square off, and, just like triple H and the Undertaker earlier, its exciting to see two men who never really got a run together wrestle, and it crackles with freshness like its fucking Downey soft. These three guys have some great, great fast paced action, with Jericho getting the best of the situation, until they do a fresh version of the TNA Tower of Doom Spot in the corner. Everybody’s down, everybody’s hurt. Could it be?
 

CENA TIME.

John Cena has entered the match.


Cewsh: Remember when I said that the Undertaker cleaned house when he came out? Yeah, Cena’s explosion makes the Undertaker look like a polite elderly gentleman asking directions to Bingo. Right up until BAM! Codebreaker, 619, Spear, the Age of Cena has ended.

John Cena has been pinned by Edge following a Spear.


Vice: Cena was only in the match for like 2 minutes! YES! YES! YES!

Cewsh: Now the action seriously starts to pick up. Mysterio starts flying around, and Jericho puts him in the Walls of Jericho. But Mysterio reverses into a roll up!

Chris Jericho has been pinned by Rey Mysterio following a Roll Up.


Vice: I loved Jericho’s role in the match. He was just a disruptive shithead.

Cewsh: And now its down to Rey Mysterio and Edge. Technically, since Edge shouldn’t even be here, Mysterio has won the World Heavyweight Championship. But since they are now apparently recognizing Edge as a participant, we are instead treated to an absolutely amazing match between these two, with Rey pulling everything out of his arsenal to beat Edge and Edge refuses to lose. By this point the crowd, which has been great all night, is deafening, and completely behind Rey Mysterio. Rey is looking like a bigger star here than he ever has in his entire career. They go for a few more minutes, every second tension filled, every moment filled with excitement, until Mysterio is propelled into the chamber and speared out of his shoes.
 
Edge on top.
 

1…2…3.

Rey Mysterio Has Been Pinned By Edge Following A Spear.


Vice: EDGE!

Cewsh: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Heavyweight Champion. And his name is Edge.

EDGE IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Vice: Yeah, this was a fantastic match. Great booking, great performances all around. Good story. Great action. Everyone did their part and it worked wonders. Awesome shit right here. Not once did I ever think “Edge” and “8 time champion” would ever be in the same sentence together. Crazy when you think about it.
 

Cewsh: What in the fuck can I say about this that doesn’t speak for itself? I am entirely in shock, I am damn near speechless, and I have this odd tingly feeling like I’m coming down from a sugar rush. WWE has done it. They’ve done it AGAIN. Every single show they have raised the bar, and had one shock after another, and now everything I thought I knew about the main event of Wrestlemania is in tatters and I have to tune in to see what it the glory cuntsucking fuckshit is going to happen.
 

Thank you, WWE. I seem to be saying this a lot lately, but thank you.



93 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

——————————————————————-


Cewsh’s Final Thoughts:

Cewsh: Wow. The last Pay Per View before Wrestlemania. Traditionally No Way Out is a fairly uninspiring show. Sure its hard its moments (Eddie’s title when springs to mind), but its generally lost in the shuffle of the Wrestlemania hype machine. Not this year. This was a two match show, make no mistake about it, but those two matches were both pushing an hour long, and they were both so well done I’m almost started at having seen them.I make no exaggeration when I say that there have been many Elimination Chamber matches, and that 2 of the three best ever were on this show. Simply startling stuff, and this show will, without a doubt, give the whole product the momentum it needs to carry it through to Wrestlemania.
 

I can’t fucking wait.
 

Its also worth mentioning that this show got, by far, the best total score of any show we’ve ever reviewed (aside from the New Japan show). Though those stats are somewhat skewed by the low number of matches.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 80.8 out of 100.

Vice’s Analysis:

Vice: This sandwich had some truly outstanding bread, but the meat was a bit foul with enough decent sauce to cover the taste up. However, the bread was so good that it was completely worth it. Two really long, really great matches and some silliness in between that I didn’t really care for. But hey, you might like it. Either way, this event needs to be seen. If you can’t see the entire show, for fuck sake at least watch the Elimination Chamber matches.
 

To stress the goodness of this show, I immediately started downloading RAW after the show faded to black, and begged Edge to download it and watch it with me. I honestly can’t even remember the last time I watched a RAW. And the last time I [i]wanted[/i] to watch RAW? Shit, I have no idea. I’m very curious about the direction of the company right now.

Well that’s it for us. We hoped you enjoyed our coverage of WWE’s No Way Out Pay Per View, and we invite you to join us in a few weeks for the next TNA show, and then for the coup de grace of WWE’s event calendar, and ours, WWE Wrestlemania 25! As usual, this has been the studly and magnificent Cewsh Reviews… team bringing you the very finest in sports entertainment. See you down the road, intrepid readers, and stay safe!

One thought on “WWE No Way Out 2009

  1. Anonymous says:

    Orton's blood over his face made him look like Two-Face.

    Like

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