TNA Against All Odds 2009

Cewsh: This show made us all extremely sad pandas. Why must you hurt us like this TNA? Only our intrepid adventuring spirit, and some ancient Incan spirit stones got us through this one boys and girls.

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Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA AGAINST ALL ODDS 2009

Welcome yet again, cats and kittens, to the Grammy nominated Cewsh Reviews…. Now you may be wondering, “Cewsh, how are you guys so funny AND insightful?” Which is a fine question, and the answer involves some Tibetan monks, a strict diet of grape jelly, and a membership to the YMCA. But we here at Cewsh Reviews…aren’t about to give away all of our secrets just yet, and now with fun and games behind us, it is time to get down to business.

For those who don’t watch TNA regularly, the story going into the show is that the Frontline, comprised of Team 3D, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Rhino, Jay Lethal, Eric Young, Consequences Creed, and occasionally Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett, and ODB, and the Main Event Mafia, composed of Kurt Angle, Booker T, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and the TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting, are clashing in a huge stable war for the future of TNA. Despite their greater numbers, the Frontline have been losing this war badly, and Joe, Styles, Jarrett, Rhino, Bubba Ray, and Foley have all been injured by the Mafia at one point or another. This is the show where Team 3D gets their chance of payback at the Mafia.

With that said, on with the show!

Segment 1 – TNA. Total Nonstop Automobiles.


 

Cewsh: The very first image of the night we are treated to is the Main Event Mafia piling out of their swanky Hummer limousine, making them look like rich, powerful bastards.

The second image we are treated to, is the image of Brother Ray and Brother D’von pulling up in an incredibly fruity looking sort of Plymouth Prowler car, with a convertible roof, that makes them look like the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

The third image we are treated to is Sting pulling up separately in the most shit hot sexy car I have ever seen in my life. Yellow and black, Lamborghini doors, the works. Just absolutely shit hot.

The fourth image we are treated to is, unfortunately, NOT Stone Cold Steve Austin running all of these cars, and the segment in general, over with a monster truck.

Segment 2 – VIDEO FEVER.


Cewsh: Oh wow, is there a video here? Wouldn’t have guessed.

Perhaps it recapped the feuds going into the show?

Segment 3 – TNA X Division Championship – Alex (Kobashi) Shelley © vs. Eric (Funaki) Young.

Vice: TNA is usually very good about having great opening matches, with tons of action and excitement to get the crowd on their feet. So what do they do here? They throw a hot challenger up against a hot champion and… have a relatively boring match. Slow to get off its feet, but picked up eventually towards the end. Shelley is consistently awesome, and Eric Young can be hit or miss. Tonight was more of a miss night in my eyes.

Shelley taking the nasty hit, clearly selling the damage but also acting like a spot gone wrong, was pretty awesome. Shelley is amazing, but you already knew that. I’m very glad Young didn’t take the title.

The camera work has been pretty poor so far. Very quick, disorienting cuts and generally just using the wrong angle at the wrong time. The audio is also slightly out of sync. Like a teenager seeing boobs for the first time in real life, I become very fixated with sync issues and go insane.

Vice’s headache level: 2

Cewsh: I think I’m starting to really dislike Eric Young.

Don’t get me wrong, as I’ve said before, he’s very capable. He’s shown himself to have the ability to connect with the fans in a rare way. But every week, he doesn’t alter anything about himself. Now, every time I see him, he’s being stripped of everything that’s been passing as personality. I like him a little bit less and a little bit less. Before too long, I think I’ll have turned on him entirely. Please, TNA, give him something, anything, to help him stand out again.

Alex Shelley, on the other hand, is on such a roll that even TNA doesn’t know how to slow him down. He’s had a string of great performances, and this is no exception. This match is stiff, well wrestled, and had some very solid pacing with Shelley really working well as the deliberate heel, which is one of the things I wasn’t sure if he was capable of as a heel worker. All of my problems with this match actually have nothing to do with the wrestling contained within it. The crowd was absolutely awful, being dead silent for Young’s comeback, and chanting loudly for Shelley during the heel portions, and the camera work was very jittery and distracting. Both of those lessened my enjoyment of an otherwise very enjoyable X Division contest. Very solid performance from both guys, despite some serious no selling from Shelley, and a fantastic finish.

76 out of 100.

Alex Shelley over Eric Young with a Sneaky Roll Up.

Segment 4 – Borash Interview #1.

Cewsh: Borash interviews Kurt Angle, and Angle lectures Sting about family, and how he’s taken his spot in the Main Event Mafia for granted. They have a little mini feud going between them, and I would have to speculate that it will result in Angle winning the title. Or D’Von winning the title and holding it for 20 years like Bruno Sammartino did. One of the other.

Segment 5 – Scott (Impenetrable Defense, Impeccable Offense, Impossible Pronunciation) Steiner vs. Petey (The Littlest Roidsaurus) Williams.

Cewsh: I’m honestly glad that Petey is so much shorter than Scott is, or they’d honestly be hard to tell apart from a distance.

These two have a good, solid storyline going back to last year when Steiner took Williams under his wing and made him his “Little Petey Pump”. When Steiner joined the MEM, however, he turned on Petey and put him out for several months with an injury, prompting this return match.

I’ll admit right now that I have always been a fan of both young guy vs. old guy matches, and little guy vs. big guy matches, so I may be predisposed to enjoying a match like this more than it might really deserve, but I don’t think you can take much away from these guys. Williams is a strong worker when paired with a charismatic opponent, and Steiner is very underrated as a performer even today and has a great deal to offer as a bullyish heel. Make no mistake, either, Steiner spends almost this entire match selling for Williams and making him look like a definite threat. I have to say, that’s exactly what this match needed to be the best it could be.

These guys are, however, not the greatest workers in the world. Just about anybody could fill these roles and do as good a job, with the same backstory. That said, these guys did the best they could with what they have at their disposal.

68 out of 100.

Vice: Very boring. The video was fucking up a LOT during this, so I was having a hard time paying attention to it. But it’s not like I cared much. The match was pretty bad. Steiner, though, is still amazing. Not so much in the ring, but he’s just an awesome person.

Scott Steiner over Petey Williams with the Steiner Screwdriver.

Cewsh: After the match, Steiner is beating Williams down, when Samoa Joe’s music hits. He cuts an interview backstage, talking biblically, and referencing his “nation of violence”. Not really sure where they’re going with the new “Super Samoan” Samoa Joe, but my interest is certainly peaked.

Vice: TNA did the impossible. They made me not give a shit about Samoa Joe. Tisk tisk.

Segment 6 – Sting and Foley, Sitting In A Tree…

Cewsh: Borash is backstage with Sting and Mick Foley, and Mick mentions that he’s going to be on hand to present the winner of the title match with the TNA World Heavyweight Championship belt. He also says that he hopes Kurt Angle doesn’t win. When Sting steps in to defend Angle’s honor, they have a friendly little discussion and part amicably. To be honest, this was about the least wrestling-like segment I’ve ever seen. The whole thing was just entirely too goddamn Sesame Street for me.

Segment 7 – Brutus (Somebody Watches Russell Crow Movies) Magnus vs. A MYSTERY OPPONENT.

Vice: Wow. Magnus’ outfit is Russell Crowe’s from, well, Gladiator. Except the helmet is like 3 sizes too big, so it looks incredibly goofy. Magnus shouldn’t heel it up by talking shit about Americans. Seems very against his character. Sabin being the mystery opponent is great. Why? ‘Cause it wasn’t Rhino.

Maybe I’m nitpicking, but Magnus should wrestle in some of his gear. Keep the skirt and arm sleeve. It makes him look like a gladiator. He wrestles in generic indy tights, which is a massive strike against him. It’s like if Doink the fucking Clown took off all his make-up and stripped down to a speedo for a match. Where’s the gimmick?

There was also one kid in the audience yelling “WHAT!?” during Magnus’ promo. And what the fuck, a British Gladiator? Maximus was from Rome!

Match was alright. Didn’t expect much from him, but he was able to do his part. His name is MAGNUS, though. Magnus is the best last name ever.

I was surprised to see him beat Sabin, but at the same time you don’t want your new guy becoming a joke so early.

Cewsh: So the mystery opponent worthy of a PPV match is…Chris Sabin?

I know Vice liked it, but it’s kind of a disappointment for me. I was really expecting for it to be Rhino, and I was really looking forward to unleashing my endless supply of Rhino jokes. I’ve got nothing really for Sabin. “Haha, Chris Sabin, you’re very entertaining but sometimes lack focus in the story of the matches you wrestle in. SO THERE.” Ooooooh, burn.

Anyway, Sabin and Magnus have a competitive match here that is actually really good. I know that Sabin bumping around can make a lot of guys look good, but Magnus showed the making of a very good style here, and was very, very fluid in the ring for such a muscular guy. I’m thinking that I really see a lot of potential in the guy, and I’ll see even more when he stops raiding the broom closets over at Universal Studios for Gladiator merchandise.

66 out of 100.

Brutus Magnus over Chris Sabin with the Tormentum.

Segment 8 – Brothers Divided. Though if You Divided Them, There’d Be Enough Left For Another Set of Brothers.

Cewsh: Ray and D’von are upset because Sting and Angle are overlooking them as a threat. Because I guess we’re supposed to buy them as credible threats to the World Heavyweight Championship because they’ve won a lot of Tag Team Titles. Yeah.

D’VON 4 CHAMP!

Segment 9 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Awesome (Cowabunga) Kong© vs. O.D.B. (Obviously Destroys Bras).

Cewsh: UGH.

In the first 12 seconds of hype for this match I heard an ODB promo and the phrase “Kongtourage” which I blatantly warned them about continuing to use. I’m out. Wake me when TNA isn’t pushing Kong as a chickenshit heel against someone she’s beaten clean numerous times.

10 out of 100.

Vice: Lesbian.

Awesome Kong over O.D.B. with the Implant Buster.

Segment 10 – Stingers and Bubbas and D’vons and Laurens, These Are A Few Of My Least Favorite Things.

Cewsh: Bubba confronts Sting face to face for the first time after all of the blame Bubba has placed on Sting for his injury.

Funny, if this had been on Impact, it may have sold a few more PPVs. Here in the middle of the PPV we’ve already bought, its entirely pointless. WE KNOW YOU HATE HIM. The match is in an hour! We get it!

Segment 11 – TNA Legends Championship – (Comic) Booker T © vs. Shane (Apparent Legend) Sewell.

Cewsh: Okay, I don’t know what in the hell Sewell is doing here, or how they justify having him compete for the TNA LEGENDS fucking Championship. He’s still a referee, yet he gets to wrestle on PPV against main eventers, for major championships? Hey, look at me! I’m a student at college, but whenever I feel like it, I also get to be a teacher and give myself A’s on my tests! Woooo!

I guess I wanted to say more about this match, but after watching it, I realize that I hadn’t actually typed anything. Shane Sewell got a little bit of offense in, not a ton, and then the finish happened. Complete meh. I honestly don’t think that Shane Sewell is much of a wrestler, and I definitely don’t thinkl that he has a gimmick that works for a face. An insane referee that the other referees cheat to help? Yeah, that’s called a heel. Nice try, TNA.

49 out of 100.
 

Vice: Only in TNA does one of the most decorated wrestlers to ever grace a ring need outside interference to retain his title against a ref. This match was bad. That’s all I have to say.

Booker T over Shane Sewell with the Axe Kick.

Cewsh: Post match, Booker starts to beat down Sewell, when AJ Styles’ music hits. Styles then jogs leisurely down to the ring and kicks Booker a few times before Booker leaves. Is this going to be the running theme throughout the show? Because its kind of already played out a tad. Then AJ cuts a promo about how he wants to be a legend and win the Legends Championship. Soooooo many promos on this show.

Segment 12 – Lauren Has A Crush On Abyss. Matt Morgan Doesn’t.

Cewsh: Morgan is a solid promo, though he does have some issues with random pitches in his speech, where in the middle of a sentence he’ll just suddenly get all high pitched for no reason. Anyway, he wants to hurt Abyss, and Lauren doesn’t want him to. And judging from how many times he called Abyss Lauren’s “boy”, I think we’re meant to see some kind of connection there.

Segment 13 – Abyss (The Big White Machine) vs. Matt (The World’s Scrawniest Seven Footer) Morgan.

Cewsh: Alright. Now that Matt Morgan is a heel, I’m actually starting to get into him. His much vaunted promo skills are starting to come through, he can work a bit, and he has what it takes to be a serious star for a long time for TNA. Thank god he’s finally a heel, because just like with Sewell, TNA had taken an OBVIOUS heel gimmick and tried to push it as a heel. “The Blueprint for the perfect wrestler”? A seven foot monster? Yeah. Those are heel qualities. Anyway Morgan is good, and Abyss is always willing to die for your sins, so this match definitely has some potential.

Morgan revealed before the match that he had had a major staph infection very shortly before this event, and not only does he keep his shirt on the whole match, but he is visibly tentative about doing any bumps. This match almost immediately becomes a brawl into the crowd, so as to protect Morgan’s weaknesses, and they do a good job of it. This match isn’t really fair to grade, to be honest, because due to Morgan’s obvious fear to land on his back or side, they are severely limited in what they can actually do. They both try their best, but all of the offense is a little bit slow paced, a little bit scattered, and they seem to clearly be having trouble improvising. Morgan actually does his best to keep things interesting, but Abyss just spends most of the match looking incredibly lost and confused.

Towards the end, Morgan tries his best to bump for Abyss’ comeback, but its just hard to watch. I was honestly grateful when this ended.

23 out of 100.

Vice: Terrible. Terrible terrible terrible. Apparently Morgan is injured, so the match suffered quite a bit. You know how matches tend to suck when one person can barely take a bump, right? Yeah. Now lets say that Morgan can’t take a bump, and the whole match is built around him getting his ass kicked. And then imagine Abyss being the guy on offense. Yeah. I don’t need to spell it out for you.

Abyss over Matt Morgan with the Gimp Hole Slam.

Segment 14 – The Main Event Mafia Enjoy Hugs.

Cewsh: Kurt Angle tries to convince Sting to stick with the MEM, and not be persuaded by the Frontline. Sting is convinced and gives Angle a big hug. Angle seems unconvinced, and sends Nash to keep an eye on him. Cheeseburgers in paradise, my friends.

Segment 15 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Beer Money (I Am So Out Of Good Nicknames For This Team) Inc. © vs. Lethal (Except Not) Consequences (Probably Not That Either).

Cewsh: First of all, James Storm comes to the ring on his beer scooter as usual, but then out comes Roode riding on a keg caboose behind him. And Don West calls it a “Roode Beer Float”. It had money stapled to it. Ladies and gentlemen, it just doesn’t get any better than that.

Anyway, Beer Money are the best tag team in wrestling that does not feature either the Miz or John Morrison, and Lethal and Creed are both quality workers as well, so this match is bound to be a rare breath of fresh air on this night. They have themselves a good match, with Beer Money being fantastic, and Lethal Consequences (I hate that name so much) bouncing around the ring to make everything look great. I really have to just give Beer Money every possible compliment. They’re fluid, they’re great dick heels, the can work against every style of opponents, from X Division guys, to Morgan and Abyss, to Team 3D. I say this with all sincerity. I hope WWE signs them up before TNA turns them face for no reason to feud with Shark Boy and Brutus Magnus (Magnus Sharkus) and ruins everything. Just my earnest wish.

74 out of 100.

Vice: As if Storm’s Boozer Cruiser wasn’t enough, there’s now a second set of wheels attached with a keg for Robert Roode’s behind. One of the best entrance props ever as far as I’m concerned. It’s just badass AND makes them look like more of a team. And fucking hilarious at the same time. Love it.

Very solid match, too. Best of the night so far, even though that’s not exactly much of a compliment. Lethal and Creed seemed kinda like a wacky pairing at first, but they’re meshing well these days. A good, solid team.

Beer Money Inc. over Lethal Consequences with Chain Shot.

Segment 16 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting (Old Man River) © vs. Kurt (God, I’m Going To Have To Carry These Three?) Angle vs. Brother (Tubba) Ray vs. Brother (Black Sammartino) D’Von.



 

Cewsh: Christ. Jesus fuckhumping Christ, what have I done to deserve this?

Was it all the porn? Was it the stealing? The lying? Is it that I stopped going to church at 7 and almost burned down a church once? Please someone tell me what it is, because I can’t imagine anything I could have done to have deserved to have to watch this match. I mean, even Hitler was allowed to die without having to see this match. And I’m pretty sure he did some bad stuff.

Ah well. Maybe it’ll surpass my expectations.

They start off with all of the introductions, really doing their best to hype this up as a really big fight. I really do appreciate that they know full well that this isn’t exactly the biggest main event, so they’re doing their damndest to get it over as a big time match. Its not sucking me in, but it’s a big step in the right direction. This step in the right direction was more or less abandoned once the match actually began, as this match was basically a series of singles matches, with the other two guys staying on the floor until they were needed. Super exciting stuff, especially when D’Von and Ray decide to do some mat wrestling. Yes, I said mat wrestling. Hell, at one point Bubba Ray busts out a Figure Four Leg Lock for fuck’s sake, though it did result in a pretty great spot where Bubba had the Figure Four on Sting, and D’Von had the Boston Crab on Angle, and Angle tried to pin Sting while they were both in submissions.

A big problem that I had with this match is that its been built so high that Team 3D desperately want to win this match and get the belts, but instead of going with their specialty (brawling) they spend a lot of time doing these little almost parody spots with the chain wrestling and the submissions, and it really takes away from the match for me. Of course, even if this became a hardcore bloodbath, neither Ray nor D’Von has any real concept of wrestling main event singles matches, even in this multiman setting, so everything just became muddled and never got any better. There was no rhyme or reason for anything that happened. It was just spot after spot for no reason, and then all of sudden, out of nowhere, it ended. After all the build, I can honestly say that this was one of the most underwhelming ending in the history of TNA, and possibly professional wrestling.

Just fucking terrible.

35 out of 100.

Vice: Fantastic. Enthralling. Compelling. Worth the price of the PPV alone.

…are not ways of describing this match. From the video packages to the entrances, to the big time introductions, this match might seem fucking EPIC to a first time viewer. But as a fan of many years, I knew what we were actually getting. Team 3D, fighting as individuals, in the main event, with an old man and an Olympian. This match was terrible. Didn’t deliver at all. One of the most underwhelming finishes to a “giant” main event.

So.. Sting retains. I was expecting Angle to take it, but this just builds more intensity between them. So naturally Sting is going to lose the belt soon, end up turning face, and helping the Frontline win, but not before winning the title one more time at Bound for Glory because he’s never had a Bound for Glory win before and he deserves one!

Sting over Brother Ray with the Scorpion Death Drop.


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Cewsh’s Final Thoughts:


Cewsh: Wow. After the last TNA show, I thought for sure that this time they’d make sure to rebound and serve up a really solid show. Never in my wildest dreams did I think they’d put on a show with almost none of their biggest stars, fill it full of promos for a title match that was the worst main event I’ve seen since I started reviewing shows, and then actually charge people their hard earned money to see no feuds ended or titles change hands. Or even faces win!

Just a huge, huge misstep by TNA here. I’m still interested to see where this whole thing goes, but this show left an incredibly bad taste in my mouth.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 428 out of 800.

Vice’s Analysis:


Vice: Some cards look amazing on paper but suck. Some look terrible on paper but deliver in spades. This one looked like shit, and in fact WAS shit. If you actually paid for this, may whatever God you believe in save your soul.

Well boys and girl’s we’re honestly sorry that you had to share in this miserable experience with us, but my grandmother used to say that if you want a piece of chocolate cake, you have to go to the baker at Sam’s Club because they have a sale on cake right now, and be sure to wear a coat because its cold outside. I guess what I’m trying to say is…hmm. Yeah, I have no idea. But what I DDO know is that your favorite intrepid reviewers will be back next Tuesday with a review of WWE No Way Out, which will, almost certainly, be a more worthwhile show for everyone involved than this was. Until then, from everybody at Cewsh Reviews…, stay safe and keep reading!

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