Monthly Archives: February 2009

WWE No Way Out 2009

World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE NO WAY OUT 2009

Welcome, ladies and gentlemen, to another stirring edition of Cewsh Reviews… Tonight we have a rare treat for you all, in that we’re actually being treated to a show that we actually want to watch, and review. Its too early, here at the beginning to call this show the Most Welcome and Amazing Fucking Show of All Time, but the sheer fact that Rhino is not in the main event is going a long way to propelling it to those ever so sought after heights.

To anyone who might actually be new to this little rodeo we call Cewsh Reviews…, we keep things spoiler free whenever possible, and that includes not reading spoilers or news of the shows or product before they happen. We only know what we see on television, or, in the case of most WWE shows, what I see on television and relate to Vice later through a steady filter of giddy excitement.

With all of that so eloquently said, let’s get on with the show.

Segment 1 – OPENING VIDEO FEVER!


Cewsh: Yes, by the way, that will ALWAYS be the name of segment one.

PLEASE let this show be good. Its been a rough few weeks for the Cewsh Reviews…team’s morale, reviewing terrible indy shows and TNA PPVs.
 

Vice: I don’t like how this video has no flow. It’s just multiple videos strung together. Also, I love how Shane is the plucky son, and yet twice as old as Orton.

Segment 2 – WWE Championship – Elimination Chamber – The Undertaker (Dating Michelle McCool Has Aged Him Roughly 70 Years) vs. The Big (Fucking Tiger Tattoo The Size of a Man’s Head) Show vs. Vladmir (Lance Storm?) Kozlov vs. Triple (97 Time World Champion) H vs. Jeff (Spends His Annual Salary On Wifebeaters) Hardy vs. Edge (The Heel of Our Generation) ©

Cewsh: Alright, so we’re starting off the night with the Smackdown Elimination Chamber. I’m sure you all know how the Chamber matches work, but just in case you do not the idea is that two guys (Edge and Hardy in this case) start the match, and every five minutes one of the four chambers open, and another wrestler is allowed in. The match goes on until everyone has been eliminated by pinfall or submission except for the last man standing, who wins the title. Makes sense? Alright.
 

Spoiler Alert!


Please bear in mind that, much like our Royal Rumble review, just covering this match at all means that spoilers are guaranteed. I tried to make a spoiler free version and it was the most vague and annoying thing ever written. So if you don’t want anything spoiled for you, please stop here.
 


Vice: I love how Undertaker is supposed to be this crazy awesome dead zombie sort of guy with magical powers, and he casually hands his trench coat to the ring guy at the end of his entrance and thanks him.

 
Cewsh: Hardy and Edge start off the match, and it’s the perfect choice, because they’ll carry the workload of this match, and do a ton of bumping for the bigger guys when they come out. Not to mention that Edge and Hardy have some of the best chemistry I’ve ever seen in a main event pairing. And then, just as the match gets going, we get our first elimination, entirely out of nowhere.

 
Vice: I think EVERYONE should just break out of their cages the second the bell rings.

Edge has been pinned by Jeff Hardy following a Roll Up.

Cewsh: Wow! New champion is guaranteed now!

Vice: Edge being eliminated first was brilliant. Fantastic way to start the show.

Vladamir Kozlov has entered the match.

Cewsh: And IMMEDIATELY he starts fucking Jeff Hardy up. I’m not sure what they’re going to do with Kozlov here, as he is still unbeaten in the WWE, and unless he wins the title, he’s going to have to be beaten here. At any rate, Kozlov gets on with the bludgeoning of poor Jeff Hardy.
 

The Big Show has entered the match.

Vice: Big Show is awesome in environments like this.

Cewsh: Aww, poor Jeff. Show and Kozlov immediately team up to beat up a basically unconscious Jeff Hardy. Then they get into a competition to see who can beat up Jeff Hardy the best. And then, as you might expect, their alliance fizzles and the big man war is on like motherfucking Donkey Kong ™. Kozlov and Show go all out on each, just dropping bombs on each other all over the ring, earning Hardy a much needed reprieve from his ass kicking.

Vice: The match got pretty boring when it was Koslov/Hardy, and was about as entertaining as watching paint dry when it was Koslov/Hardy/Show.

Triple H has entered the match.

Vice: HERE COMES HHH!!1@~!

Cewsh: Oh shit! The babyface fire has ignited! Triple H comes out and starts clearing house all over the place, and the crowd goes nuts and eats it up. They even eat up him dropping Hardy like a bad habit. Say what you might about Triple H, the man is over like gangbusters, and gets no less than 3 separate chants within his first minute in this match.

Vice: The match has suddenly become pretty awesome again. Clearly a coincidence.

Cewsh: So now we’ve essentially got two singles matches going on in the ring, with Show and Triple H squaring off, while Kozlov continues kicking a Hardy while he’s down. Then the crowd slowly starts to build to the realization that only the Undertaker is next. With each second that ticks by the crowd chants louder and louder, waiting impatiently for the arrival of the Undertaker to absolutely clean house and save the day. The crowd is distracted momentarily and Triple H and Jeff Hardy tangle up, but then the countdown begins.

3…2…1…Game over boys and girls.

The Undertaker has entered the match.

Cewsh: Out comes the Zombie from the California dessert, and he immediately lays waste to everything in front of him, and behind him, and occasionally threats on entirely different vertical planes. He’s throwing clotheslines, he’s throwing punches, he even DDTs the Big Show on the steel mesh outside the ring, resulting in the sickest bump of the match so far. Then Kozlov makes the mistake of punching the Undertaker on the turnbuckle. Rookie mistake Kozlov.

Vice: Big Show getting DDT’d was NASTY!

Vladamir Kozlov has been pinned by the Undertaker following the Last Ride.

Cewsh: Various mayhem occurs for a few minutes before Jeff Hardy begins scaling the structure like the crazy bastard that he is. Then, in quick succession, a superplex, a Pedigree, and a Swanton off the top of the chamber structure result in an epic elimination for the Giant.

Vice: How is Undertaker still this agile?

The Big Show has been pinned by Triple H following a Jeff Hardy Swanton Bomb Off Of The Top Of A Cell.


Vice: Nice Swanton from Jeff. The man is crazy.

Cewsh: Insanity! This match is INSANITY. The Undertaker grabs Jeff Hardy through the ropes, flips him upside down, and nails a devastating Tombstone Piledriver.

Jeff Hardy is pinned by the Undertaker following a Tombstone.

Vice: HHH or Undertaker as the next champ? Hot. HHH wins, I’m thinking.

Cewsh: I don’t think my words are expressing just how great and exciting this match has been to this point. Everyone is meshing tremendously well, the crowd is on fire for these guys, and the knowledge that a new champion is guaranteed really just adds another layer of excitement to the proceedings. By the end here, everyone involved looks like an absolute warrior, and we get a pairing that we’ve hardly ever seen before, making everything feel fresh, exciting, and fantastic. Triple H and The Undertaker go out there and have a finishing sequence SO good, and SO hot, that I am, right now, chomping at the bit to see these two men wrestle each other.

Vice: Seriously, how is Undertaker still this agile?

Cewsh: This is the way you do business. You have Taker and Triple H wrestle everyone but each other for years and years, so that when they FINALLY meet, it feels so fresh and heated and unpredictable like this. And these guys give it their all. Triple H takes a Tombstone, but gets his foot on the ropes. Taker eats a Pedigree, but kicks out at the last second. Until finally, triple H comes up with a counter for the Last Ride Trap, and springs a Pedigree, dusting off the Undertaker for good.

Vice: Why does a match like this have rope breaks? And let these two feud for fuck sake. They were on fire.

The Undertaker is pinned by Triple H following a Pedigree.
TRIPLE H IS THE NEW WWE CHAMPION!


Cewsh: This match is nearly an hour long. I spent half of it on the edge of my seat, and the last 5 minutes entirely out of it. Can’t say enough about it. This is how you do a gimmick match. Or any goddamn match for that matter.

Vice: King x13. Amazing match, outside of the previously mentioned boring part with Hardy/Koslov/Show. Excellent chemistry between Taker and HHH at the end, which makes me want to see them go at it again, and very soon. You know how I’m always sucking TNA’s popsicle cock for having great opening matches? Yeah. This one puts theirs to shame. Slightly unfair, however, since this was a big title match. Still though—fantastic start. My only fear is that it was so good that the next match or two will be horrible in comparison. Big shoes to fill.

89 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Segment 3 – Edge Is A Sad Panda.


Cewsh: Edge is unhappy about the way things went, as you might imagine, and demands the Vickie restart the match, which she refuses to do, and they get into a small argument before Edge settles down, looking pensive. Hmm. I wonder if he might be formulating a plan?
 


Segment 4 – RSN News Bulletin.


Cewsh: Orton is scary, monotone.
 


Segment 5 – No Disqualification – Randy (His Time Is Now) Orton vs. Shane (May Very Well Die Tonight) McMahon.


Vice: Ok, so, they play a high energy video package to get people hyped up for the match. The video is there to get people salivating over what’s about to happen, and in a sense, it worked. I wanted to see this match. Then there’s a Randy Orton promo. He stands there for a good 5-10 seconds or so before he starts talking. And it’s one of the dullest promos I’ve ever heard. So monotone, so boring. You can practically see the teleprompter in the reflection of his eyes. Is this his gimmick? It completely took me out of the mood.
 

I don’t even know what to say about this match. It was kind of boring and never had that intensity I thought it would have. Orton’s blood was pretty amazing, but outside of that I didn’t really care much for this match. And with them showing Steph in the back a few times, I’d have thought she’d run out at the end to be with her brother who was dying. Or something. Overall this match just felt like a long angle. Orton is apparently psychotic, but I think he looks goofy 75% of the time.

Cewsh: Alright. Shane may very well have to die to make this match as good as it ought to be.
 
For the first half of this match, I struggled to figure out what I wanted to say about it. They started out with some decent wrestling, then some alright brawling, and then Orton got busted open by a monitor shot to the head, and the entire match changed. From that point on, I was into this match the entire way. Even though I hate seeing Shane squash wrestlers, his annihilation of Rhodes was really well done and entertaining. And the blood on Orton just did such a great job of amplifying how evil Orton is even further.
 

Let me say this. This match was all Orton. I don’t want to take away from Shane doing his part and getting some enormous face pops from the crowd, but Orton carried this match on his back, and the whole thing was carefully booked and calculated to make Shane seem like a huge threat, while at the same time, never letting it seem like Orton wasn’t in control of the situation.
 

I know its been echoed to death, but the entire “Viper Orton” character is so scarily well performed by Orton that he’s honestly on a different planet from anyone else in wrestling right now. Edge is at that same level, but Orton’s commitment to it, and use of it are one of those things that I’ll be a mark for until the day I die. He’s so good, it wouldn’t matter if this were a ladder match with Hornswoggle. Orton would make it shine. It really is his time.

79 out of 100.

Randy Orton over Shane McMahon following an R.K.O.




Segment 6 – ECW Championship – Finlay (Placeholder For Christian) vs. Jack (Rajah’s New Bandwagon) Swagger ©.


Cewsh: Alright, now I realize that the majority of the internet wrestling community more than likely regards this match as a really great idea, and will probably make for a great match, and those things are probably both true. Swagger has it in him to be part of a good match, and any young wrestler wrestling Finlay is a lucky young wrestler indeed.
 

That said, I have almost no interest in this match. Its really nothing against either guy (though even Rhino has a more dynamic character, at present, than Finlay, its just that this match is clearly happening because they’re saving Christian/Swagger for Wrestlemania. Which is the right decision without a doubt, but it makes this match pretty much just filler, and its hard not to regard it as such.
 

Perfectly serviceable match, but it would be hard to describe it as anything more than that.

73 out of 100.

Vice: Fuck the ECW title is big. So very, very big.

-Fuck Hornswoggle. Finlay should kill the little shithead.

-Someone should do something outlandish one day like work the opponent’s right leg!

-I think Finlay has one of the best looks in wrestling today. He genuinely looks like he’d kill you in a fight.

-Swagger has a good look

-In a real fight without a midget sidekick, Finlay would have killed Swagger.

-Fuck Hornswoggle.

Match was eh. It was there and solid, but nothing beyond that.
 

Jack Swagger over Finlay following a Gutwrench Powerbomb.

Segment 7 – Shawn (Potential Hobo) Michaels vs. JBL (Potential Flotation Device).


Cewsh: Alright, so the back story of this match is that Michaels lost all of his money in the stock market and had to go to work for JBL. JBL made him do all sorts of questionable stuff, and after becoming frustrated at Shawn’s inability to help him beat John Cena for the World title, they decided to meet in the ring to settle things here at No Way Out, with Shawn’s contract on the line. If Shawn wins, he’s free of JBL forever. If JBL wins, he owns Shawn’s likeness, merchandising rights, and WWE contract for the rest of his career.
 

As for the actual match here? Well its not the greatest. To be honest, it was really a bit of a disappointment in a lot of ways. The match dragged in the beginning, and it kind of dragged in the middle, and by the time the match got interesting towards the end, it was already over in rather anticlimactic fashion for a storyline that has spanned months.
 

Just didn’t click for me, I think. I really hope there’s more to it than this.

70 out of 100.

Vice: Shawn’s wife is way, way too tan. Is she nailing Hogan behind Shawn’s back?

-Ilk is a funny word. Cewsh just said it randomly in our conversation during this event and it tickled me for an unknown reason. Ilk.

-Michaels is very bad when it comes to the dramatic kickout at 2.99. He usually kicks out at 2 flat.

-So Rebecca clocks JBL and it isn’t a DQ? That looked like outside interference to me.

The match was decent. Some pretty good story elements, but I didn’t like the execution of a lot of things. Namely Michaels completely no-selling two clotheslines from hell and prancing around the ring a minute or three later. And the ending. Yeah, it’s a happy ending. I’m glad. Michaels should have been beaten the fuck up for that moment though, like he had to literally fight his way out of hell. With everything on the line, he can’t be dancing around at the end. Oh well.

Also, I don’t like “all on the line” matches. Or storylines that culminate in a “if you lose, you retire forever!” match. 99% of the time it makes everything completely predictable. I guess it could fool the greater majority of the WWE Universe, but it just ruins matches for me. When was the last time they had something huge on the line and the person actually got fucked over?

I remember Team Austin losing a match where he’d get fired or be allowed to give stunners to innocent people, and he had that “I love the shit out of you guys” speech that was very emotional. But of course there was a petition like a week later and oh hey, he’s back. Do something radical, wrestling people.
 

Shawn Michaels over JBL following a Sweet Chin Music.




Segment 8 – Chris Jericho Is Mean To Old People. 

Cewsh: Jericho cuts a promo cutting down Ric Flair, and shows why he’s as good and consistent a promo as you can find in the business these days. I am worried where this is all leading, though. Flair returning to the ring? Not sure how I’d feel about that.

Oh, and Jericho guarantees victory tonight.




Segment 9 – World Heavyweight Championship – Elimination Chamber – John (I Respect Them Babies) Cena © vs. Mike (Main Event Beard) Knox vs. Kane (Job Squad) vs. Kofi King….I mean Edge (Yes Again) vs. Chris (No Longer The Best Heel In This Match) Jericho.


Cewsh: As you may have surmised from the subject header, Edge attacks Kofi on his way to the ring, destroys him with a chair, and then barricades himself in one of the chambers, apparently imposing his way into the match. I’m pretty sure its not supposed to work that way, but its Edge. He does this shit ALL THE TIME. If I were in the same zipcode as a title match on the same night that Edge loses his title, I would relocate. Possibly into space. Regardless of anything else, this match just got 12,000 times more interesting.

Vice: Knox? Really? I might have to challenge him to a beard-off. Also:

-Kane needs new attire for fuck sake.

-Kofi? Really?

-EDGE!

-Of course the black man is the first to die. Shit, he didn’t even make it into the match. Racism.

Cewsh: Mysterio and Jericho start off the match, and they don’t fuck around, they get right down to business. First Mysterio gets his ass thrown like a dart directly into a chamber, and then he Spiderman swings off the top of the chain mesh and gives Jericho a hurracanrana. The excitement is running high when we get our first chamber opening…
 
Vice: Mysterio going head first into the chamber was incredible. Even more incredible was Kane’s “well that’s going to leave a lump on your noggin” smirk right after that. Also, Mysterio’s off the chamber hurricanrana was pretty slick, but it’s a fucking hurricanrana. One of the weakest moves ever.

Kane has entered the match.


Vice: Big Red Monster? I thought he was the Big Red Machine. When did this change?

Cewsh: Kane, as you might expect, is not a nice man. He is also by far the biggest man in this match. So I don’t think I’m shocking anyone when I say that he walks in and immediately starts fucking everyone’s shit right up. He slams everybody and then goes and stares down Edge in his chamber, causing Edge to cower like, well, a coward. The Mysterio, of all people, starts going crazy on Kane, hitting him with all sorts of strikes, which have about as much effectiveness as if I threw a refrigerator at a mosquito. One 619 and a Code Breaker later, though, and then a fucking enormous seated senton off the chamber by Mysterio, and Kane finally get put away.

Kane has been pinned by Rey Mysterio following a Ridiculous High Spot.


Cewsh: Of course, immediately after Kane is eliminated, another chamber door opens. With Rey’s luck, can you guess who’s inside?

Mike Knox has entered the match.


Cewsh: Knox doesn’t pay a single scrap of attention to Jericho at first, instead choosing to kill Rey Mysterio. After a bit of that, though, Knox gets bored and starts chucking Jericho into the fence like a football. In the middle of that, though, Mysterio jumps on his back, earning himself an upside down trip into the fence, and hangs him upside down by his foot. Then, after Mike Knox wanders around looking like an amazing big man, and throwing everyone else around, he finally goes for his finish, but Jericho interrupts with a huge Code Breaker and pins Mike Knox for the elimination.

Vice: Knox killing Rey is quality entertainment.

Mike Knox has been pinned by Chris Jericho following a Code Breaker.


Cewsh: Uh oh. Open chamber time!

Edge has entered the match.


Cewsh: Poor Edge. The door opens, and Mysterio immediately is all over his ass, going after him like a man possessed right up until Jericho nails him from behind, putting him out for the time being. After that, Jericho and Edge square off, and, just like triple H and the Undertaker earlier, its exciting to see two men who never really got a run together wrestle, and it crackles with freshness like its fucking Downey soft. These three guys have some great, great fast paced action, with Jericho getting the best of the situation, until they do a fresh version of the TNA Tower of Doom Spot in the corner. Everybody’s down, everybody’s hurt. Could it be?
 

CENA TIME.

John Cena has entered the match.


Cewsh: Remember when I said that the Undertaker cleaned house when he came out? Yeah, Cena’s explosion makes the Undertaker look like a polite elderly gentleman asking directions to Bingo. Right up until BAM! Codebreaker, 619, Spear, the Age of Cena has ended.

John Cena has been pinned by Edge following a Spear.


Vice: Cena was only in the match for like 2 minutes! YES! YES! YES!

Cewsh: Now the action seriously starts to pick up. Mysterio starts flying around, and Jericho puts him in the Walls of Jericho. But Mysterio reverses into a roll up!

Chris Jericho has been pinned by Rey Mysterio following a Roll Up.


Vice: I loved Jericho’s role in the match. He was just a disruptive shithead.

Cewsh: And now its down to Rey Mysterio and Edge. Technically, since Edge shouldn’t even be here, Mysterio has won the World Heavyweight Championship. But since they are now apparently recognizing Edge as a participant, we are instead treated to an absolutely amazing match between these two, with Rey pulling everything out of his arsenal to beat Edge and Edge refuses to lose. By this point the crowd, which has been great all night, is deafening, and completely behind Rey Mysterio. Rey is looking like a bigger star here than he ever has in his entire career. They go for a few more minutes, every second tension filled, every moment filled with excitement, until Mysterio is propelled into the chamber and speared out of his shoes.
 
Edge on top.
 

1…2…3.

Rey Mysterio Has Been Pinned By Edge Following A Spear.


Vice: EDGE!

Cewsh: Ladies and gentlemen, we have a new World Heavyweight Champion. And his name is Edge.

EDGE IS THE NEW WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION!

Vice: Yeah, this was a fantastic match. Great booking, great performances all around. Good story. Great action. Everyone did their part and it worked wonders. Awesome shit right here. Not once did I ever think “Edge” and “8 time champion” would ever be in the same sentence together. Crazy when you think about it.
 

Cewsh: What in the fuck can I say about this that doesn’t speak for itself? I am entirely in shock, I am damn near speechless, and I have this odd tingly feeling like I’m coming down from a sugar rush. WWE has done it. They’ve done it AGAIN. Every single show they have raised the bar, and had one shock after another, and now everything I thought I knew about the main event of Wrestlemania is in tatters and I have to tune in to see what it the glory cuntsucking fuckshit is going to happen.
 

Thank you, WWE. I seem to be saying this a lot lately, but thank you.



93 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

——————————————————————-


Cewsh’s Final Thoughts:

Cewsh: Wow. The last Pay Per View before Wrestlemania. Traditionally No Way Out is a fairly uninspiring show. Sure its hard its moments (Eddie’s title when springs to mind), but its generally lost in the shuffle of the Wrestlemania hype machine. Not this year. This was a two match show, make no mistake about it, but those two matches were both pushing an hour long, and they were both so well done I’m almost started at having seen them.I make no exaggeration when I say that there have been many Elimination Chamber matches, and that 2 of the three best ever were on this show. Simply startling stuff, and this show will, without a doubt, give the whole product the momentum it needs to carry it through to Wrestlemania.
 

I can’t fucking wait.
 

Its also worth mentioning that this show got, by far, the best total score of any show we’ve ever reviewed (aside from the New Japan show). Though those stats are somewhat skewed by the low number of matches.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 80.8 out of 100.

Vice’s Analysis:

Vice: This sandwich had some truly outstanding bread, but the meat was a bit foul with enough decent sauce to cover the taste up. However, the bread was so good that it was completely worth it. Two really long, really great matches and some silliness in between that I didn’t really care for. But hey, you might like it. Either way, this event needs to be seen. If you can’t see the entire show, for fuck sake at least watch the Elimination Chamber matches.
 

To stress the goodness of this show, I immediately started downloading RAW after the show faded to black, and begged Edge to download it and watch it with me. I honestly can’t even remember the last time I watched a RAW. And the last time I [i]wanted[/i] to watch RAW? Shit, I have no idea. I’m very curious about the direction of the company right now.

Well that’s it for us. We hoped you enjoyed our coverage of WWE’s No Way Out Pay Per View, and we invite you to join us in a few weeks for the next TNA show, and then for the coup de grace of WWE’s event calendar, and ours, WWE Wrestlemania 25! As usual, this has been the studly and magnificent Cewsh Reviews… team bringing you the very finest in sports entertainment. See you down the road, intrepid readers, and stay safe!

TNA Against All Odds 2009

Cewsh: This show made us all extremely sad pandas. Why must you hurt us like this TNA? Only our intrepid adventuring spirit, and some ancient Incan spirit stones got us through this one boys and girls.

————————————
Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA AGAINST ALL ODDS 2009

Welcome yet again, cats and kittens, to the Grammy nominated Cewsh Reviews…. Now you may be wondering, “Cewsh, how are you guys so funny AND insightful?” Which is a fine question, and the answer involves some Tibetan monks, a strict diet of grape jelly, and a membership to the YMCA. But we here at Cewsh Reviews…aren’t about to give away all of our secrets just yet, and now with fun and games behind us, it is time to get down to business.

For those who don’t watch TNA regularly, the story going into the show is that the Frontline, comprised of Team 3D, Samoa Joe, AJ Styles, Rhino, Jay Lethal, Eric Young, Consequences Creed, and occasionally Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett, and ODB, and the Main Event Mafia, composed of Kurt Angle, Booker T, Kevin Nash, Scott Steiner, and the TNA World Heavyweight Champion Sting, are clashing in a huge stable war for the future of TNA. Despite their greater numbers, the Frontline have been losing this war badly, and Joe, Styles, Jarrett, Rhino, Bubba Ray, and Foley have all been injured by the Mafia at one point or another. This is the show where Team 3D gets their chance of payback at the Mafia.

With that said, on with the show!

Segment 1 – TNA. Total Nonstop Automobiles.


 

Cewsh: The very first image of the night we are treated to is the Main Event Mafia piling out of their swanky Hummer limousine, making them look like rich, powerful bastards.

The second image we are treated to, is the image of Brother Ray and Brother D’von pulling up in an incredibly fruity looking sort of Plymouth Prowler car, with a convertible roof, that makes them look like the Ambiguously Gay Duo.

The third image we are treated to is Sting pulling up separately in the most shit hot sexy car I have ever seen in my life. Yellow and black, Lamborghini doors, the works. Just absolutely shit hot.

The fourth image we are treated to is, unfortunately, NOT Stone Cold Steve Austin running all of these cars, and the segment in general, over with a monster truck.

Segment 2 – VIDEO FEVER.


Cewsh: Oh wow, is there a video here? Wouldn’t have guessed.

Perhaps it recapped the feuds going into the show?

Segment 3 – TNA X Division Championship – Alex (Kobashi) Shelley © vs. Eric (Funaki) Young.

Vice: TNA is usually very good about having great opening matches, with tons of action and excitement to get the crowd on their feet. So what do they do here? They throw a hot challenger up against a hot champion and… have a relatively boring match. Slow to get off its feet, but picked up eventually towards the end. Shelley is consistently awesome, and Eric Young can be hit or miss. Tonight was more of a miss night in my eyes.

Shelley taking the nasty hit, clearly selling the damage but also acting like a spot gone wrong, was pretty awesome. Shelley is amazing, but you already knew that. I’m very glad Young didn’t take the title.

The camera work has been pretty poor so far. Very quick, disorienting cuts and generally just using the wrong angle at the wrong time. The audio is also slightly out of sync. Like a teenager seeing boobs for the first time in real life, I become very fixated with sync issues and go insane.

Vice’s headache level: 2

Cewsh: I think I’m starting to really dislike Eric Young.

Don’t get me wrong, as I’ve said before, he’s very capable. He’s shown himself to have the ability to connect with the fans in a rare way. But every week, he doesn’t alter anything about himself. Now, every time I see him, he’s being stripped of everything that’s been passing as personality. I like him a little bit less and a little bit less. Before too long, I think I’ll have turned on him entirely. Please, TNA, give him something, anything, to help him stand out again.

Alex Shelley, on the other hand, is on such a roll that even TNA doesn’t know how to slow him down. He’s had a string of great performances, and this is no exception. This match is stiff, well wrestled, and had some very solid pacing with Shelley really working well as the deliberate heel, which is one of the things I wasn’t sure if he was capable of as a heel worker. All of my problems with this match actually have nothing to do with the wrestling contained within it. The crowd was absolutely awful, being dead silent for Young’s comeback, and chanting loudly for Shelley during the heel portions, and the camera work was very jittery and distracting. Both of those lessened my enjoyment of an otherwise very enjoyable X Division contest. Very solid performance from both guys, despite some serious no selling from Shelley, and a fantastic finish.

76 out of 100.

Alex Shelley over Eric Young with a Sneaky Roll Up.

Segment 4 – Borash Interview #1.

Cewsh: Borash interviews Kurt Angle, and Angle lectures Sting about family, and how he’s taken his spot in the Main Event Mafia for granted. They have a little mini feud going between them, and I would have to speculate that it will result in Angle winning the title. Or D’Von winning the title and holding it for 20 years like Bruno Sammartino did. One of the other.

Segment 5 – Scott (Impenetrable Defense, Impeccable Offense, Impossible Pronunciation) Steiner vs. Petey (The Littlest Roidsaurus) Williams.

Cewsh: I’m honestly glad that Petey is so much shorter than Scott is, or they’d honestly be hard to tell apart from a distance.

These two have a good, solid storyline going back to last year when Steiner took Williams under his wing and made him his “Little Petey Pump”. When Steiner joined the MEM, however, he turned on Petey and put him out for several months with an injury, prompting this return match.

I’ll admit right now that I have always been a fan of both young guy vs. old guy matches, and little guy vs. big guy matches, so I may be predisposed to enjoying a match like this more than it might really deserve, but I don’t think you can take much away from these guys. Williams is a strong worker when paired with a charismatic opponent, and Steiner is very underrated as a performer even today and has a great deal to offer as a bullyish heel. Make no mistake, either, Steiner spends almost this entire match selling for Williams and making him look like a definite threat. I have to say, that’s exactly what this match needed to be the best it could be.

These guys are, however, not the greatest workers in the world. Just about anybody could fill these roles and do as good a job, with the same backstory. That said, these guys did the best they could with what they have at their disposal.

68 out of 100.

Vice: Very boring. The video was fucking up a LOT during this, so I was having a hard time paying attention to it. But it’s not like I cared much. The match was pretty bad. Steiner, though, is still amazing. Not so much in the ring, but he’s just an awesome person.

Scott Steiner over Petey Williams with the Steiner Screwdriver.

Cewsh: After the match, Steiner is beating Williams down, when Samoa Joe’s music hits. He cuts an interview backstage, talking biblically, and referencing his “nation of violence”. Not really sure where they’re going with the new “Super Samoan” Samoa Joe, but my interest is certainly peaked.

Vice: TNA did the impossible. They made me not give a shit about Samoa Joe. Tisk tisk.

Segment 6 – Sting and Foley, Sitting In A Tree…

Cewsh: Borash is backstage with Sting and Mick Foley, and Mick mentions that he’s going to be on hand to present the winner of the title match with the TNA World Heavyweight Championship belt. He also says that he hopes Kurt Angle doesn’t win. When Sting steps in to defend Angle’s honor, they have a friendly little discussion and part amicably. To be honest, this was about the least wrestling-like segment I’ve ever seen. The whole thing was just entirely too goddamn Sesame Street for me.

Segment 7 – Brutus (Somebody Watches Russell Crow Movies) Magnus vs. A MYSTERY OPPONENT.

Vice: Wow. Magnus’ outfit is Russell Crowe’s from, well, Gladiator. Except the helmet is like 3 sizes too big, so it looks incredibly goofy. Magnus shouldn’t heel it up by talking shit about Americans. Seems very against his character. Sabin being the mystery opponent is great. Why? ‘Cause it wasn’t Rhino.

Maybe I’m nitpicking, but Magnus should wrestle in some of his gear. Keep the skirt and arm sleeve. It makes him look like a gladiator. He wrestles in generic indy tights, which is a massive strike against him. It’s like if Doink the fucking Clown took off all his make-up and stripped down to a speedo for a match. Where’s the gimmick?

There was also one kid in the audience yelling “WHAT!?” during Magnus’ promo. And what the fuck, a British Gladiator? Maximus was from Rome!

Match was alright. Didn’t expect much from him, but he was able to do his part. His name is MAGNUS, though. Magnus is the best last name ever.

I was surprised to see him beat Sabin, but at the same time you don’t want your new guy becoming a joke so early.

Cewsh: So the mystery opponent worthy of a PPV match is…Chris Sabin?

I know Vice liked it, but it’s kind of a disappointment for me. I was really expecting for it to be Rhino, and I was really looking forward to unleashing my endless supply of Rhino jokes. I’ve got nothing really for Sabin. “Haha, Chris Sabin, you’re very entertaining but sometimes lack focus in the story of the matches you wrestle in. SO THERE.” Ooooooh, burn.

Anyway, Sabin and Magnus have a competitive match here that is actually really good. I know that Sabin bumping around can make a lot of guys look good, but Magnus showed the making of a very good style here, and was very, very fluid in the ring for such a muscular guy. I’m thinking that I really see a lot of potential in the guy, and I’ll see even more when he stops raiding the broom closets over at Universal Studios for Gladiator merchandise.

66 out of 100.

Brutus Magnus over Chris Sabin with the Tormentum.

Segment 8 – Brothers Divided. Though if You Divided Them, There’d Be Enough Left For Another Set of Brothers.

Cewsh: Ray and D’von are upset because Sting and Angle are overlooking them as a threat. Because I guess we’re supposed to buy them as credible threats to the World Heavyweight Championship because they’ve won a lot of Tag Team Titles. Yeah.

D’VON 4 CHAMP!

Segment 9 – TNA Knockouts Championship – Awesome (Cowabunga) Kong© vs. O.D.B. (Obviously Destroys Bras).

Cewsh: UGH.

In the first 12 seconds of hype for this match I heard an ODB promo and the phrase “Kongtourage” which I blatantly warned them about continuing to use. I’m out. Wake me when TNA isn’t pushing Kong as a chickenshit heel against someone she’s beaten clean numerous times.

10 out of 100.

Vice: Lesbian.

Awesome Kong over O.D.B. with the Implant Buster.

Segment 10 – Stingers and Bubbas and D’vons and Laurens, These Are A Few Of My Least Favorite Things.

Cewsh: Bubba confronts Sting face to face for the first time after all of the blame Bubba has placed on Sting for his injury.

Funny, if this had been on Impact, it may have sold a few more PPVs. Here in the middle of the PPV we’ve already bought, its entirely pointless. WE KNOW YOU HATE HIM. The match is in an hour! We get it!

Segment 11 – TNA Legends Championship – (Comic) Booker T © vs. Shane (Apparent Legend) Sewell.

Cewsh: Okay, I don’t know what in the hell Sewell is doing here, or how they justify having him compete for the TNA LEGENDS fucking Championship. He’s still a referee, yet he gets to wrestle on PPV against main eventers, for major championships? Hey, look at me! I’m a student at college, but whenever I feel like it, I also get to be a teacher and give myself A’s on my tests! Woooo!

I guess I wanted to say more about this match, but after watching it, I realize that I hadn’t actually typed anything. Shane Sewell got a little bit of offense in, not a ton, and then the finish happened. Complete meh. I honestly don’t think that Shane Sewell is much of a wrestler, and I definitely don’t thinkl that he has a gimmick that works for a face. An insane referee that the other referees cheat to help? Yeah, that’s called a heel. Nice try, TNA.

49 out of 100.
 

Vice: Only in TNA does one of the most decorated wrestlers to ever grace a ring need outside interference to retain his title against a ref. This match was bad. That’s all I have to say.

Booker T over Shane Sewell with the Axe Kick.

Cewsh: Post match, Booker starts to beat down Sewell, when AJ Styles’ music hits. Styles then jogs leisurely down to the ring and kicks Booker a few times before Booker leaves. Is this going to be the running theme throughout the show? Because its kind of already played out a tad. Then AJ cuts a promo about how he wants to be a legend and win the Legends Championship. Soooooo many promos on this show.

Segment 12 – Lauren Has A Crush On Abyss. Matt Morgan Doesn’t.

Cewsh: Morgan is a solid promo, though he does have some issues with random pitches in his speech, where in the middle of a sentence he’ll just suddenly get all high pitched for no reason. Anyway, he wants to hurt Abyss, and Lauren doesn’t want him to. And judging from how many times he called Abyss Lauren’s “boy”, I think we’re meant to see some kind of connection there.

Segment 13 – Abyss (The Big White Machine) vs. Matt (The World’s Scrawniest Seven Footer) Morgan.

Cewsh: Alright. Now that Matt Morgan is a heel, I’m actually starting to get into him. His much vaunted promo skills are starting to come through, he can work a bit, and he has what it takes to be a serious star for a long time for TNA. Thank god he’s finally a heel, because just like with Sewell, TNA had taken an OBVIOUS heel gimmick and tried to push it as a heel. “The Blueprint for the perfect wrestler”? A seven foot monster? Yeah. Those are heel qualities. Anyway Morgan is good, and Abyss is always willing to die for your sins, so this match definitely has some potential.

Morgan revealed before the match that he had had a major staph infection very shortly before this event, and not only does he keep his shirt on the whole match, but he is visibly tentative about doing any bumps. This match almost immediately becomes a brawl into the crowd, so as to protect Morgan’s weaknesses, and they do a good job of it. This match isn’t really fair to grade, to be honest, because due to Morgan’s obvious fear to land on his back or side, they are severely limited in what they can actually do. They both try their best, but all of the offense is a little bit slow paced, a little bit scattered, and they seem to clearly be having trouble improvising. Morgan actually does his best to keep things interesting, but Abyss just spends most of the match looking incredibly lost and confused.

Towards the end, Morgan tries his best to bump for Abyss’ comeback, but its just hard to watch. I was honestly grateful when this ended.

23 out of 100.

Vice: Terrible. Terrible terrible terrible. Apparently Morgan is injured, so the match suffered quite a bit. You know how matches tend to suck when one person can barely take a bump, right? Yeah. Now lets say that Morgan can’t take a bump, and the whole match is built around him getting his ass kicked. And then imagine Abyss being the guy on offense. Yeah. I don’t need to spell it out for you.

Abyss over Matt Morgan with the Gimp Hole Slam.

Segment 14 – The Main Event Mafia Enjoy Hugs.

Cewsh: Kurt Angle tries to convince Sting to stick with the MEM, and not be persuaded by the Frontline. Sting is convinced and gives Angle a big hug. Angle seems unconvinced, and sends Nash to keep an eye on him. Cheeseburgers in paradise, my friends.

Segment 15 – TNA World Tag Team Championships – Beer Money (I Am So Out Of Good Nicknames For This Team) Inc. © vs. Lethal (Except Not) Consequences (Probably Not That Either).

Cewsh: First of all, James Storm comes to the ring on his beer scooter as usual, but then out comes Roode riding on a keg caboose behind him. And Don West calls it a “Roode Beer Float”. It had money stapled to it. Ladies and gentlemen, it just doesn’t get any better than that.

Anyway, Beer Money are the best tag team in wrestling that does not feature either the Miz or John Morrison, and Lethal and Creed are both quality workers as well, so this match is bound to be a rare breath of fresh air on this night. They have themselves a good match, with Beer Money being fantastic, and Lethal Consequences (I hate that name so much) bouncing around the ring to make everything look great. I really have to just give Beer Money every possible compliment. They’re fluid, they’re great dick heels, the can work against every style of opponents, from X Division guys, to Morgan and Abyss, to Team 3D. I say this with all sincerity. I hope WWE signs them up before TNA turns them face for no reason to feud with Shark Boy and Brutus Magnus (Magnus Sharkus) and ruins everything. Just my earnest wish.

74 out of 100.

Vice: As if Storm’s Boozer Cruiser wasn’t enough, there’s now a second set of wheels attached with a keg for Robert Roode’s behind. One of the best entrance props ever as far as I’m concerned. It’s just badass AND makes them look like more of a team. And fucking hilarious at the same time. Love it.

Very solid match, too. Best of the night so far, even though that’s not exactly much of a compliment. Lethal and Creed seemed kinda like a wacky pairing at first, but they’re meshing well these days. A good, solid team.

Beer Money Inc. over Lethal Consequences with Chain Shot.

Segment 16 – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting (Old Man River) © vs. Kurt (God, I’m Going To Have To Carry These Three?) Angle vs. Brother (Tubba) Ray vs. Brother (Black Sammartino) D’Von.



 

Cewsh: Christ. Jesus fuckhumping Christ, what have I done to deserve this?

Was it all the porn? Was it the stealing? The lying? Is it that I stopped going to church at 7 and almost burned down a church once? Please someone tell me what it is, because I can’t imagine anything I could have done to have deserved to have to watch this match. I mean, even Hitler was allowed to die without having to see this match. And I’m pretty sure he did some bad stuff.

Ah well. Maybe it’ll surpass my expectations.

They start off with all of the introductions, really doing their best to hype this up as a really big fight. I really do appreciate that they know full well that this isn’t exactly the biggest main event, so they’re doing their damndest to get it over as a big time match. Its not sucking me in, but it’s a big step in the right direction. This step in the right direction was more or less abandoned once the match actually began, as this match was basically a series of singles matches, with the other two guys staying on the floor until they were needed. Super exciting stuff, especially when D’Von and Ray decide to do some mat wrestling. Yes, I said mat wrestling. Hell, at one point Bubba Ray busts out a Figure Four Leg Lock for fuck’s sake, though it did result in a pretty great spot where Bubba had the Figure Four on Sting, and D’Von had the Boston Crab on Angle, and Angle tried to pin Sting while they were both in submissions.

A big problem that I had with this match is that its been built so high that Team 3D desperately want to win this match and get the belts, but instead of going with their specialty (brawling) they spend a lot of time doing these little almost parody spots with the chain wrestling and the submissions, and it really takes away from the match for me. Of course, even if this became a hardcore bloodbath, neither Ray nor D’Von has any real concept of wrestling main event singles matches, even in this multiman setting, so everything just became muddled and never got any better. There was no rhyme or reason for anything that happened. It was just spot after spot for no reason, and then all of sudden, out of nowhere, it ended. After all the build, I can honestly say that this was one of the most underwhelming ending in the history of TNA, and possibly professional wrestling.

Just fucking terrible.

35 out of 100.

Vice: Fantastic. Enthralling. Compelling. Worth the price of the PPV alone.

…are not ways of describing this match. From the video packages to the entrances, to the big time introductions, this match might seem fucking EPIC to a first time viewer. But as a fan of many years, I knew what we were actually getting. Team 3D, fighting as individuals, in the main event, with an old man and an Olympian. This match was terrible. Didn’t deliver at all. One of the most underwhelming finishes to a “giant” main event.

So.. Sting retains. I was expecting Angle to take it, but this just builds more intensity between them. So naturally Sting is going to lose the belt soon, end up turning face, and helping the Frontline win, but not before winning the title one more time at Bound for Glory because he’s never had a Bound for Glory win before and he deserves one!

Sting over Brother Ray with the Scorpion Death Drop.


————————————————————————————————-

Cewsh’s Final Thoughts:


Cewsh: Wow. After the last TNA show, I thought for sure that this time they’d make sure to rebound and serve up a really solid show. Never in my wildest dreams did I think they’d put on a show with almost none of their biggest stars, fill it full of promos for a title match that was the worst main event I’ve seen since I started reviewing shows, and then actually charge people their hard earned money to see no feuds ended or titles change hands. Or even faces win!

Just a huge, huge misstep by TNA here. I’m still interested to see where this whole thing goes, but this show left an incredibly bad taste in my mouth.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 428 out of 800.

Vice’s Analysis:


Vice: Some cards look amazing on paper but suck. Some look terrible on paper but deliver in spades. This one looked like shit, and in fact WAS shit. If you actually paid for this, may whatever God you believe in save your soul.

Well boys and girl’s we’re honestly sorry that you had to share in this miserable experience with us, but my grandmother used to say that if you want a piece of chocolate cake, you have to go to the baker at Sam’s Club because they have a sale on cake right now, and be sure to wear a coat because its cold outside. I guess what I’m trying to say is…hmm. Yeah, I have no idea. But what I DDO know is that your favorite intrepid reviewers will be back next Tuesday with a review of WWE No Way Out, which will, almost certainly, be a more worthwhile show for everyone involved than this was. Until then, from everybody at Cewsh Reviews…, stay safe and keep reading!