WWE Royal Rumble 2009

Cewsh: This review is probably my favorite that we had ever done to this point. It was Ms. Cewsh’s second foray into reviewing (And the first time that she actually WANTED to do it), and the first time we got her and Vice in the Review Room at the same time, together. The chemistry isn’t all there yet, and the format is still changing and shifting towards its current glory, but this is the review that best captured the fun of the early days and the (ha) professionalism of our later work.


World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…


Welcome to yet another edition of Cewsh Reviews…; boy do we have a treat for you tonight. Not only have we reviewed the WWE Royal Rumble 2009, arguably the second most important show of the year in professional wrestling, but we’ve also turned this sexy party into a down and dirty three way. That’s right, back from her long hiatus to lend this lowly manuscript some class, is the ever delicious Ms. Cewsh. Don’t worry your little heads, boys and girls, we’ve still got the good ol’ Cewsh/Vice action that you’ve come to know and love. Is this intro getting anyone else hot? No? Right! Me either!

Now, before we get on with tonight’s festivities, allow me to first take a moment to explain how the Royal Rumble works, just in case anyone reading this has never seen one. I can’t imagine whom that could possibly include, but humor me. We try to be thorough here. The Royal Rumble match is a 30 man, Over-The-Top-Rope, Battle Royal. The idea is to eliminate the other wrestlers by throwing them over the top rope, causing their feet to hit the floor. 30 men will eventually enter, two starting, and a new man entering every 90 seconds. The last man left in the ring gets an automatic shot at the Heavyweight Championship of his choosing in the main event of Wrestlemania. Everyone clear? Alright, good. Also, understand that these matches take an hour, sometimes more, so there aren’t going to be a lot of matches on this card. Just roll with it.

As always, we go into this review with nothing (intentionally) spoiled for us. We don’t read the spoilers, the news, and for the most part, the Rajah threads leading up to the PPVs.

On with the show!

Segment 1 – I’ve Got Opening Video Fever!

Cewsh: What we have here is an opening video package, as can be expected. Hey, let’s face it, whatever Vince is paying his production people, it can’t possibly be enough. These guys put together the best packages in the industry, and this video is fantastic, even for them. A quick lesson for TNA: You don’t need a narrator or 750 quick cuts to get the plot across and your show over. We already bought the show; this is just to remind us why.

Vice: The show starts off with a video package showing action from Rumbles in the past, then shows the winners from the last few years; which transitions into a 3 minute Randy Orton video package. Clearly Orton is the person to look out for in the Rumble. Thanks WWE, for always doing this with your now completely generic video packages that are way overused. And I was hoping Hacksaw would show up and win. 😦

Segment 2 – ECW Championship – Matt (Tubby) Hardy vs. Jack (Three M’s: Modesty, Matt Work, and Molars) Swagger.

Cewsh: Here we are with the opening match of the evening and it happens to be a solid choice. The lid is exuberantly blown off of the Joe Louis Arena in Detroit when Matt Hardy comes out, and even the young Jack Swagger gets some good heel heat upon his entrance to the ring.

This is a good back and forth match, with some quality mat wrestling brought to the table by Swagger. Hardy plays the plucky babyface, like he has been for some time now. I will say that while I really do like Swagger, and I definitely see the potential in him, I’m not 100% sold yet on his style of wrestling. It’s very similar to Kurt Angle’s when he first debuted, and I didn’t think much of Angle then either. It’s too hold-heavy, and it tends to suck the excitement out of the matches he’s in, unless someone guides him towards a faster pace.

As the match continues, Swagger’s holds and domination of the match kill the crowd a bit. They perk back up for Hardy’s comeback though, which includes about the saddest moonsault I have ever seen. Poor Swagger. Buried under the Tubs.

67 out of 100.

Ms. Cewsh: Goooooo Red Wings! Sorry, I’m from Detroit Light and I’m a little bitter that Cewsh won’t take me to the Joe and the city proper.

Alright, I never watch ECW so I have no idea who this blonde kid is. The announcers keep talking about how he took the gold from Matt Hardy, but I must interject that the ECW belt is silver. That seems really mean. I mean, even the Divas get a gold belt. Cewsh can wax poetic all he likes about the redeeming qualities of those in the match, but this match sucked. I hate amateur wrestling. If I wanted to watch amateur wrestling, we get like 12 ESPNs. I’m sure it’s on somewhere. The only thing I found even watchable was Matt Hardy falling on his goddamn head doing a “moonsault”. When the mark notices how weak your move looks, YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

1 ½ sleeping kitties, out of 5.

Vice: First off, I can’t not say it—the ECW title is way too big. Way, way, way too big. It gives me laughs every time I see it because it’s just so ridiculously oversized. Add a helmet and you’ve got a full suit of armor, ready to go into battle. Oh, right, the match. It’s a very solid opening match that told a good story. There was some lovely psychology too. Hardy’s strikes are damn amazing.

From what I’ve seen of Swagger, I think he gets far too much love. He’s good and very impressive for how long he’s been wrestling, but it’s definitely one of the trends I’ve noticed on this forum—if someone debuts and doesn’t immediately suck while showing lots of potential, they instantly become the next coming of Jesus. Wearing spandex, of course, because that’s how the next coming of Jesus rolls.

Matt Hardy should never do a moonsault again because 1) they look worse than Lita’s, and 2) he’s going to kill himself one day. They’re that bad. Again though, it was the best way to open up the show. Good stuff from both.

Jack Swagger over Matt Hardy with the Gutwrench Powerbomb.
Segment 3 – WWE Women’s Championship – Melina (Snuffleupagus) vs. Beth (The Amazon of Cewsh’s Dreams) Phoenix w/ Santino (EPIC BEARD ALERT!) Marella.

Cewsh: Alright, we know my opinions on women’s matches. They suck. They fucking suck. Now, that said, I think very highly of Beth’s abilities in the ring, and Melina is…well…an incredibly prodigious source of tits and ass. As for the match, though. Yeah. Beth only looks good against women who can sell for her, and Melina can’t. Melina only looks good with her legs spread, and quite frankly there isn’t much of that here either, aside from one notable moment where Beth plays “Quit hitting yourself” with Melina’s foot.

Was this match good?


25 out of 100.

Vice: Again, time to nitpick. Do all the women have Mortal Kombat poses? Melina’s is so cheesy and hilarious. Cover up half her face (YAY!) and give her some sais and she’d be, well, Mileena from Mortal Kombat. From one of the movies:

The resemblance is uncanny. Beth did as much as she could to have a good match, but it also involved Melina, who is sloppy (and awful) in the ring. I will say this though—the match could have been a heck of a lot worse. Beth is awesome and incredibly attractive for a gorilla, and her There’s Something About Mary hair at the beginning of the match was rather funny. Total package, baby. And no, not Lex Luger. The best (and probably only good) part of this match was when Beth had Melina’s leg in a submission hold, and used it to kick Melina’s own head. That’s just phenomenal. Match should have ended right there, buuuuuut.. no.

Ms.Cewsh: Oh yippee, a women’s match. I earned my e-fame reviewing one of these. Sorry to disappoint, but I would not do naughty things to anyone in the ring. Melina’s new entrance confuses me. She’s still stalked by paparazzi, but she also does kung-fu? Both women come to the ring looking like they got the “Something About Mary” hair gel. We still have mirrors in Detroit, right?

Anyway, I kind of liked this match. Beth is a beast and I like watching her. Melina’s better than I remember and she does a lot of crazy stuff with her legs. The highlight is definitely Beth beating Melina in the head with her own foot; that was exceptionally awesome.

As much as I liked it, I don’t, and will never, buy a chick beating Beth. Unless it’s Kong or Chyna.

Melina, winning? That’s a definite no.

3 kitties.

Melina over Beth Phoenix with a Wacky Roll Up.

Segment 4 – JBL Is Evil. The Undertaker Is Good. Or Something.

Cewsh: JBL and Shawn Michaels are backstage. JBL tells Shawn that if he helps JBL win the World Title tonight, he’ll pay Shawn the full amount promised, he can participate in the Rumble, and be a free man in general. Then, oddly enough, the Undertaker shows up and warns Shawn against taking the easy way out. Compelling stuff, but its worth mentioning that the Undertaker is fucking TALL. Since he’s always in the ring, and usually facing taller people, it’s easy to forget how fucking big the guy is. When you see him in the locker room next to Michaels, he’s a fucking giant! How did he ninja his way past JBL?

A question for another time.

Segment 5 – World Heavyweight Championship – John (Man Love) Cena vs. John (Man Boobs) Layfield w/ Shawn (Homeless Man) Michaels.

Vice: The JBL/Michaels storyline is a bit silly in my eyes. Apparently it’s been booked pretty well and has played out well, but Michaels being poor? Ahahaha. Come on now. But hey, at least WWE is with the times for once.

The segment with JBL, Michaels, and Undertaker was very well done, but you guessed it; I’m going to complain about how scripted and staged everything is. Hey, let’s cut to Michaels in the back, just staring into a mirror. Thank fuck, because if they started filming like 5 seconds later, they would have missed JBL showing up in the mirror. Undertaker is a badass, and hopefully he and Michaels go at it again.

I fucking hate WWE sometimes, mainly when it comes to Cena. Aside from a few flaws here and there, the dude is an incredible talent. Even better, he’s charismatic and a perfect person to be the face of WWE. Very well-spoken and most importantly, is a good human being. He doesn’t do drugs; he stays away from trouble, and is a good role model for the kids. But, I can’t get into him. At all. His booking can be downright terrible. The lines WWE gives him can be dreadful. The way they can promote him can make me want to throw hot oil at homeless people. It’s not like they need to book him like they do, either. They could make him appeal to kids AND adults and it wouldn’t take a whole heck of a lot of effort, but they don’t. And don’t give me the “WWE is intentionally booking him like this ‘cause he’s a tweener” bullshit, because that’s exactly what that is—bullshit. Fuck you WWE for making me hate him.

The match was decent. It took a while to really begin, got really cool for a minute or three, big angle ensues and then it’s suddenly over. Michaels kicking JBL was painfully obvious. But I’ll be honest here, I didn’t see Michaels kicking Cena too. I thought something was up when Cena was smiling and the attention was directed at him, but didn’t think he’d actually eat the foot sandwich. It was good stuff though. Cena kicks out, and then CENA. CENA. CENA CONNECTS!.. and wins. Booking like that drives me bonkers. Had they wrestled for another 2-3 minutes, I’d have been fine with it, but it’s typical Cena booking. Cena retains which makes sense, even though I’d rather JBL have the strap.

Cewsh: This is an interesting match for me. Going into it, not only do I not know who is going to win, but both options could result in very compelling matchups for Wrestlemania. So yeah, the story of the match is definitely compelling.

The match itself? Ehhhh…

Look, these guys are both capable of having great matches. Once upon a time they even had a great match together, (I Quit Match, Backlash, 2005,) but I can’t shake the feeling that I’ve seen this match before. They don’t have the greatest chemistry in the ring, and even the dueling pro/anti Cena chants seem commonplace at this point. Yes, after all this time, I’m afraid that even I, a stalwart Cena defender, am in desperate need of something new to spice up his character.

Now, as much as I bashed the match, allow me to cheer for everything in the match that involved Shawn Michaels. The man was brilliant. Every time he even looked at Cena, the crowd worked itself into a frenzy. It was truly a study in “less is more”, because the less that Michaels did, the more the crowd waited to see what he WOULD do. And then the bit at the end? Just brilliant. And the story will continue on.

But let’s see, how do I rate this? A 57 for the match itself, but a 93 for the Michaels involvement. So fuck it, I’ll go with a…

75 out of 100.

Ms.Cewsh: Please let this be short. Please let this be short. And I’m standing proud with the sign guy in the front row. Hey JBL, please hit the gym.

I don’t like JBL or Cena. In fact I believe my last Cena match made me want to kill the world’s kittens? Well this match didn’t make me want to kill kittens, but it certainly didn’t inspire me to not kill, either. Except for Michaels, there just wasn’t much here. Not a bad match, but a boring match.

The end though, nice. Big ref bump, JBL and Cena knock each other down. Shawn climbs into the ring and looks intense for a bit. Both guys get up; Shawn gets ready for Sweet Chin Music. Then in a big swerve, he kicks JBL instead of Cena. Cena starts prancing around like a little girl until Michaels kicks him too. Shawn covers Cena with JBL and climbs out of the ring. He hesitates, but walks to the back anyway. A new ref runs out, gets a two count, and Cena kicks out. Then Cena does a move which I am informed is not the F-U and gets the pin. Looks like we’re getting JBL/Michaels. Dream of dreams.

Daaaamn JBL looks like a mummy.  

2 kitties.

John Cena over JBL with the Throwback.

Segment 6 – WWE Heavyweight Championship – Jeff (Kiss Demon) Hardy vs. (The Mad Scientist) Edge w/ Chavo (I Is Gopher) Guerrero.

Ms.Cewsh: Finally a match I want to see! Jeff comes out and he’s dripping so much he looks like he’s drooling. I’m not digging the makeup tonight. It’s like he was trying for kitty stripes and got 4 year old finger-painting. You won’t earn any bonus kitties from me, Mr. Hardy! Also Edge is looking especially evil/sexy. I love it. And I love how Chavo looks like a little kid tagging along.

It’s a good match with Jeff getting his ass kicked. Edge doesn’t discriminate as he drives Jeff headfirst into every single announce table. More shit kicking by Edge. Jeff makes his comeback, preps the Raw table, and brings out a ladder. He goes up, Chavo interferes, and gets put through the table in Edge’s place. Poor, poor Chavo. I found it very impressive when Jeff countered Edge’s Spear with a Twist of Fate. Great match made even better by the end.

Jeff’s just about to win the match when Vicki (with wickedly bad hair. Seriously, it’s a PPV theme), comes out and grabs his foot. Jeff kicks her off and gets the Swanton.

Matt runs in with a chair. He gets Jeff to set Edge for the Conchairto, but then he hits Jeff instead of Edge?! Wat? Did not see that coming.

4 ½ kitties.

Vice: Jeff looks like a muppet with his face paint. But he’s CRAAAAAAAZY you say? Well then he is a crazy muppet. I don’t like it, although it can look pretty cool when it’s faded and smudged, and his hair isn’t so pretty and combed. Speaking of which, the rainbow hair kinda goes against the all black attire and face paint.

The match is now no disqualification, which means that we’re going to find out the truth about who has been trying to kill Hardy. It could be anyone~!

I gotta say.. it was a fantastic match. Better than I thought it would ever be, although the no DQ stipulation probably helped it a lot. There was great intensity here, with Jeff going all out and trying to murder Edge. Very enjoyable with good story, spots and action.

Well, it turns out that Matt had it in for his own blood. Again, I’ll give props to WWE for fooling me. Here I was thinking that Christian was going to come and make the save for Edge, creating an insane holy shit moment.. but Matt thwacked Jeff in the noggin in an equally satisfying moment that I’m sure made Defrost punch a hole in his wall.

This was done well. The shit with Michaels was done well. However, I’m a bit miffed that those angles happened in BACK TO BACK title matches. This match had one guy standing over two corpses and staring, and so did the previous one. To me, that’s bad. Both done well, but many points are lost because of the timing, and both matches were basically just there for swerves.

Cewsh: Alright, so before the match starts, Vickie Guerrero comes out and declares this a No Disqualification match. Sounds like the perfect gimmick for a mysterious someone to interfere. Hmm, just a thought. Evidently, the crowd agrees with me, because they instantly burst into chants of “We Want Christian”. At least that’s what I think they’re chanting. People from Detroit can’t even chant in unison correctly.

Ms.Cewsh: You suck!

Cewsh: Allow me to gush for a moment about how great Chavo has been lately. His role as the underappreciated, and often mocked, sidekick for Edge and Vickie has been really fun to watch. It’s been executed fantastically, and he gets much more on screen time than you’d imagine for such a role. I can’t help but wonder if maybe they have some plans for him in the future. Perhaps the near future? Hmm.

Anyway, much to my relief, this is finally the great match that I’ve been waiting for all night. Any fears you may have had about these two not having great chemistry should be thrown out the window right now, because these two play off of each other brilliantly. The risk taking face against the opportunist heel is one of those natural character mixes that makes for such compelling matchups, you just can’t go wrong. The match is simply a brilliant back and forth affair between two guys who really understand their styles and each other. It’s wild and fast paced and entertaining, just like you’d hope it would be.

The finish, though. The finish was magic, man. Magic. Some people are going to bitch and complain about the way the storyline turned out, I’m sure. That’s their right, and everyone’s opinion is just as valid as everyone else’s. We here at Cewsh Reviews… value equality of opinions and levelheaded judgments.

But fuck them all the same.

Fuck them up their lame asses. This is why WWE storytelling is still a cut above anything else that any other wrestling promotion can even dream of having right now, this is why we put up with the Katie Vick’s and the terrible gimmicks and all the rest of the nonsense. This is why I’ll always turn down Ring of Honor to watch even the lowliest Sunday Night Heat, even when the business is at its worst and nothing makes any sense. Because on very rare occasions like this one, the WWE has the ability to reach into my heart, grab the eight year old sitting in front of his tv holding his Razor Ramon doll, and let him simply, and purely, mark out for all to see.

This is magic. Unfolding right in front of us, for all to see. Appreciate it now or wish you had later.

86 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Edge over Jeff Hardy when Matt Hardy Interferes With A Chair.

Segment 7 – RKO = Realistically Kinetically Oriented.

Cewsh: Randy Orton is backstage, looking very pensive about his future after having punted Vince McMahon in the head on Raw. Will he be fired? Will he be suspended? Will he be tarred and feathered (awesome)? Then, when his brow is at its most furrowed, cheerfulness presents itself in the unlikely guise of Chris Jericho. He sympathizes with Orton’s troubles and agrees with what he did. Of course Jericho expects him to be fired, but the seeds of alliance are sown. They are sown most heavily!


Cewsh: Alright, here’s how this is going to work boys and girls. I’m going to document each entrance and elimination. Our comments are going to work chronologically, because none of us were masochistic enough to play by play document the Royal Rumble match, but neither did we want to just summarize and leave things out. So basically the comments are going to go chronologically. The entrances and eliminations will bookmark the comments, so you’ll know what happened in what order. Everyone clear on that? No? Well then figure it out. It’s not goddamn rocket science. Also, and I think this should be basic knowledge, there isn’t actually any way to “spoiler” the Royal Rumble. Anything I talk about at any point will be a spoiler for something else.

So just consider this your overall SPOILER ALERT. Alright? Do not read any further if you don’t want the Rumble spoiled for you.

1st Royal Rumble Entrant: Rey Mysterio.

Cewsh: Mysterio won as the first entrant that one time, right? Yeah, that’s probably not going to happen again this time.

Ms.Cewsh: Can someone please get this man a stylist? Dear God.

2nd Royal Rumble Entrant: John Morrison.

Cewsh: Morrison isn’t going to win, but it really is only a matter of time, I think, until he’s a credible threat to win one of these things.

Ms.Cewsh: Morrison’s sexy deserves its own title.

Cewsh: CRAZY head scissors by Mysterio! Morrison makes everyone’s offense look beautiful.

3rd Royal Rumble Entrant: Carlito.

Cewsh: Carlito is one half of the Smackdown champions, which I’m betting not everyone reading this was aware of without consulting some sort of research source.

Cewsh: Fucking beautiful moonsault by Carlito. This is the high spottiest Rumble ever so far.

Ms.Cewsh: I could watch Carlito and Morrison wrestle all day. I guess Rey could play too.

4th Royal Rumble Entrant: Montel Vontavious Porter.

Cewsh: MVP gets big time face pops as he shows up, and I’m impressed. It really goes to show how much one match can completely change a guy’s character and the way the fans react to him.

Cewsh: Can I just say that Morrison is my Rumble MVP already? Everything he does looks sooooo good.

5th Royal Rumble Entrant: The Great Khali.

Cewsh: Yuh oh. Khali vs. the cruiserweight brigade? Bad mojo.

Ms.Cewsh: Why is Khali getting a pop? What is this world coming to? Also, Khali makes Rey look like a toy.

6th Royal Rumble Entrant: Kozlov.

Cewsh: Khali cleaned house, and here comes the first of our Battle of the Giants.

Ms.Cewsh: Koslov still has a job? Why?

The Great Khali is eliminated by Kozlov.

Cewsh: Hmm, not much of a battle.

MVP is eliminated by Kozlov.

Carlito is eliminated by Kozlov.

7th Royal Rumble Entrant: Triple H.

Cewsh: Alright, and here’s our first feud that is carried over into the Rumble. Prepare for a brawl.

Kozlov is eliminated by Triple H.

Cewsh: Or…Triple H could just eliminate him right away. That’s fine too.

Ms.Cewsh: Do svidaniya, Koslov. I can’t believe they hired a worker with a nose bigger than Triple H’s.

8th Royal Rumble Entrant: Randy Orton.

Cewsh: Oh shit, my pick to win it all is out and the fans go b-a-fucking-nanas to see him and Triple H go at it. Some great face downs in the Rumble so far, and the crowd is ballistic.

Ms.Cewsh: Mmmmmmm Randy Orton.

9th Royal Rumble Entrant: JTG.

Cewsh: Shad and JTG flip a coin to determine which one of them gets to be in the Rumble. JTG wins by using a double sided coin. HA. Awesome.

10th Royal Rumble Entrant: Ted Dibiase.

Cewsh: Yes, I obviously mean the Jr. version, and now we have our first teamwork of the night with Dibiase and Orton teaming up on everyone else.

Cewsh: Man, there has been a TON of people hanging on to the ropes so far, for dear life. I don’t ever remember a Rumble being this exciting from the very beginning like this.

Ms.Cewsh: JTG and Morrison manage to fight each other while hanging from the top rope. It’s pretty cool, but the whole “everyone’s so athletic, they can pull themselves back up” is already wearing thin.

11th Royal Rumble Entrant: Chris Jericho.

Cewsh: Ooh, how will Jericho interact with Orton? Well he immediately tries to eliminate him. Heh, sneaky ol’ Jericho.

Cewsh: Jericho then picks a fight with Triple H. BAD JERICHO. You know that you can’t beat him!

Ms.Cewsh: Ring. Too. Full.

12th Royal Rumble Entrant: Mike Knox.

Cewsh: Guess who he beats up immediately? Here’s a hint: IT’S A MYSTERY.

Ms.Cewsh: I have no idea who’s hitting whom anymore.

13th Royal Rumble Entry: The Miz.

Cewsh: YUS. Miz in the main event of Wrestlemania! No? Right, right. Of course not. That would be silly. For now.

Ms.Cewsh: According to the announcers, Miz and Morrison are double-teaming Orton. … … … *swoon*

Cewsh: Orton RKO’s the beejesus out of everyone before eating a Pedigree. Nice.

The Miz is eliminated by Triple H.

John Morrison is eliminated by Triple H.
14th Royal Rumble Entrant: Finlay.

Cewsh: Yeah, not much to say here. Finlay is a bit stale at this point.

Cewsh: Ahahaha. Mysterio gets tossed over, and Miz and Morrison are still lying on the ground, so he walks across their backs and gets back in the ring. That’s one of my favorite Rumble spots of all time.

Vice: I love how Rey Mysterio walked on the backs of Miz and Morrison while Finswoggle’s music played. It’s something Hornswoggle would do, so it’s only fitting that it happens during his music.

Ms.Cewsh: Orton runs up and saves Dibiase from being eliminated by Finlay. Aw, it’s almost like he has a heart.

15th Royal Rumble Entrant: Cody Rhodes.

Cewsh: The entire Legacy is in the ring now, and things are looking grim for everyone else.

Ms.Cewsh: Yeah, like this is fair.

16th Royal Rumble Entrant: The Undertaker.

Cewsh: Did I say grim? Oddly prophetic, don’t you think?

Ms.Cewsh: Say byebye to half the ring. Finally.

JTG is eliminated by The Undertaker.

17th Royal Rumble Entrant: Golddust.

Cewsh: Cody and Goldy face down and then have themselves a merry little brawl with Dustin making a good show of himself.

Ms.Cewsh: Goldust bitchslaps Cody. Fabulous.

Vice: The interaction between Goldust and Cody is great.

Cewsh: Orton pulls his evil genius card, and manipulates Cody into really losing it on Goldy and eliminating him. Sweet.

Goldust is eliminated by Cody Rhodes.

18th Royal Rumble Entrant: CM Punk.

Cewsh: Punky has the Intercontinental Championship, so I’m not going to feel bad that there is no way that he is winning here.

Ms.Cewsh: Cewsh is swooning. It’s truly adorable.

Ms.Cewsh: Damn, Punk looks like a beast when he gets in the ring.

Vice: CM Punk reversing the pedigree and giving HHH the GTS was amazing.

Cewsh: Silly Punk, springboards are for skinny boys.

19th Royal Rumble Entrant: Mark Henry.

Cewsh: Mark Henry is one of those guys who you always assume is going to do great at these things, but he never does. He’s both fat and worthless in the Rumble.

Ms.Cewsh: He almost immediately stands on Punk’s chest and proceeds to bunny-hop up and down. It’s not pretty, in any sense.

Vice: Punk’s “OOOIIIII JEEEEHEEEEEZUUUUS” when Henry was standing on him was fantastic.

20th Royal Rumble Entrant: Shelton Benjamin.

Cewsh: Um, can somebody get eliminated? Because this is becoming more like a barbeque than a competitive event.

Vice: I still haven’t gotten used to Benjamin’s gold hair.

21st Royal Rumble Entrant: William Regal.

Cewsh: Regal goes immediately after CM Punk, which I guess makes sense and it’s good to see that storyline is still going on. They had good matches.

Mark Henry is eliminated by Rey Mysterio.

Ms.Cewsh: Henry got eliminated and no one noticed! Haha.

22nd Royal Rumble Entrant: Kofi Kingston.

Cewsh: And the parade of midcarders continues! Let me guess, Kane or Big Show out soon?

Ms.Cewsh: Seriously, I count 13 people in the ring right now.

Ms.Cewsh: OK, Punk has Rey upside down on one of the ring posts for like ten minutes. He’s your private dancer, baby.

Shelton Benjamin is eliminated by the Undertaker.

23rd Royal Rumble Entrant: Kane.

Cewsh: Shit is going down!

Cewsh: Kane and the Undertaker have a staredown and it’s some fucking epic shit. Listen to that pop; I can’t believe they still get such a reaction every time they’re in the ring together, even after all these years.

Ms.Cewsh: When did Taker get busted open? There’s nothing sharp in the ring. Except for Triple H’s nose.

William Regal is eliminated by CM Punk.

Ms.Cewsh: Hit him with a shoe, Layla!

24th Royal Rumble Entrant: R-Truth.

Cewsh: What’s up? The number of motherfuckers in the ring, Ron. That’s what.

Ms.Cewsh: OK, seriously now. This is a 30 man match and [b]15[/b] are in the ring.

25th Royal Rumble Entrant: Rob Van Dam.

Cewsh: Holy shit, what a pop. I honestly never thought I’d see him again in a WWE ring. What a great surprise, that is.

Ms.Cewsh: *cough*Even if we had it spoiled for us because Cewsh can’t operate a DVR*cough*

Cewsh: Vile device.

Ms.Cewsh: Lotta people getting kicked in the face.

Vice: RVD FUCKERS. RVD vs. Punk, please. His pop was ridiculous. It was as loud, if not louder, than a Rock return.

26th Royal Rumble Entrant: The Brian Kendrick.

Cewsh: More little people for the giant to eat!

Kofi Kingston is eliminated by The Brian Kendrick.
The Brian Kendrick is eliminated by Triple H.

Vice: I loved Kendrick’s elimination. HHH goes to throw him out, but Kendrick fucks up and goes full speed into the middle rope. Realizing he fucked up, he goes to throw himself over the top rope when HHH is like nonono, pulls him down and throws him out the other side of the ring. His face also lands flat on the mats in a Taka-like fashion.

27th Royal Rumble Entrant: Dolph Ziggler.

Cewsh: Woo! Expected time of departure: 3 seconds.

Ms.Cewsh: What the fuck is a Dolph Ziggler?

Dolph Ziggler is eliminated by Kane.

Cewsh: Time of departure: 11 seconds. Thanks for flying with Big Red Airlines.

Ms.Cewsh: Ah, a scrub. Got it.

Vice: Ziggler’s elimination was amusing, but I would have changed it up a bit. Instead of shaking hands, introducing himself, pausing for two seconds and then being tossed over, I’d have Ziggler shake hands with Kane. “Hi, I’—“, Kane chucks him, and then “-M DOOOOLPPPH ZIIIIIGGLEEEER” as he’s airborne.

28th Royal Rumble Entrant: Santino Marella.

Santino Marella is eliminated by Kane.

Cewsh: Goddamn it, I didn’t even get to type my intro!

Cewsh: Shortest stay in a Rumble, ever. Record breaking performance!

29th Royal Rumble Entrant: Jim Duggan.

Cewsh: Oddly large pop for Duggan. It seems that the people love to see him, even if they don’t want to see him…wrestle.

Vice: HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Win it again, Hacky!

30th Royal Rumble Entrant: DA BIG SHOW.

Cewsh: His little smirk says it all. You guys are all so fucked.

Jim Duggan is eliminated by the Big Show.

Ms.Cewsh: I don’t think there’s any universe where Jericho is big enough to give Show a sleeper.


R-Truth is eliminated by The Big Show.

Ms.Cewsh: Cewsh had to type that. I will not call him by that name!

Cewsh: Punk refuses to be eliminated! Once! Twice! Ooohh. Make it twice.

CM Punk is eliminated by The Big Show.

Mike Knox is eliminated by Rey Mysterio.

Vice: RVD kicks Big Show in the knee, followed by Show yelling out a “OHOHOHOOO”. Mildly amusing even if Big Show was actually somewhat hurt by it.

Rey Mysterio is eliminated by Mike Knox.

Cewsh: Knox pulls Mysterio out from outside the ring. What a poop face.

Ms.Cewsh: Hornswaggle runs in for some ungodly reason. Taker kicks him in the ass on his way out. Best part of the match, yet.

Finlay is eliminated by Kane.

Cewsh: Ah it’s good to see RVD doing that sexy Frog Splash again. And is it just me, or has Orton eaten everyone’s finisher so far?

Rob Van Dam is eliminated by Chris Jericho.

Cewsh: Ahahahaha. Poor Jericho. Don’t look behind you!

Ms.Cewsh: Taker’s standing behind Jericho like something out of a Mike Myers movie. I’m going to have nightmares.

Cewsh:He looked behind him.

Chris Jericho is eliminated by The Undertaker.

Vice: The crowd erupted for Jericho’s elimination. Jesus.

Kane is eliminated by The Legacy.

Cewsh: Down to six now. The Legacy vs. The Big Show, Triple H, and The Undertaker. I really don’t think a stable has ever made it this far in the Rumble together before, and its really making them look like some serious pimps.

Ms.Cewsh: Taker Chokeslams every member of the Legacy.

Cewsh: Man, Big Show and Taker don’t like each other. Its like they feuded or something.

Ms.Cewsh: Seriously, it’s like the 23rd time they’ve faced off. Tonight.

Cewsh: HOLY SHIT! Big Show tests the strength of the ropes by holding on to them after getting thrown over. Check those ropes for steroids!

The Big Show is eliminated by Randy Orton.

The Undertaker is eliminated by The Big Show.

Ms.Cewsh: Show and Undertake brawl to the back. I imagine they’re off to a picnic.

Triple H
Cody Rhodes
Ted Dibiase
Randy Orton.

Cewsh: Now I KNOW that this is a first for the Rumble. A stable make it all the way to the Final Four intact, and Triple H is fucked. To be fair, though, lately on Smackdown they’ve been building Triple H up as a guy who defies the odds. Can he pull it off?

Ted Dibiase is eliminated by Triple H.

Cewsh: Holy shit, holy shit!

Cody Rhodes is eliminated by Triple H.


Triple H is eliminated by Randy Orton.



Ms.Cewsh: Orton wins! Whee sexy yay!

Cewsh: Fuckshit. All is right with the world.

No rating. You know better. But if you aren’t downloading this with or without my consent, then I find it hard to believe that you are a wrestling fan.

Ms.Cewsh: 5 kitties!

Vice: The Rumble match was pretty goddamn dandy. Not one of the bests by any means, but it was certainly great fun with a lot of memorable moments. What irritated me was how many times people hung from the ropes to avoid elimination. It’s cool when it happens a few times, but I counted 24. That’s a lot of fucking dangling right there. There were also, I think, 3 entrances where everyone just stopped and stared. Again, way too many. Leave It at one and make it count. One other thing that irritated me quite a bit—when it got down to the final four, it didn’t feel like the home stretch of a Royal Rumble. It felt like an ending to RAW, like it was more of an angle than the HOLY SHIT jitters I tend to get.

Orton wins!? You can’t be serious! Yeah. Felt like an angle instead of that special awesomeness. Oh well. It was still fun. And fuck did Orton’s pop when he won make a statement. The fans loved it.


Cewsh’s Final Analysis:

Cewsh: Well, it’s the Royal Rumble, so aside from the occasional exception, great matches aren’t really the PPV’s MO. What you have here is a very generic undercard, followed by two very story driven main events, and a fantastic Rumble Match. It’s hard to review a show like this, especially with the Rumble match in it, so the score isn’t too representative of the show as a whole. But here it is anyway.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 250 out of 400.

The Final Mew:

Ms.Cewsh: I liked this show. Well, I liked two and a half out of five matches. But I really liked two of those matches! Seeing the ending of the WWE title match alone was worth the cost of the show, and then there was the Rumble. The Rumble was great. If you don’t want to kill kitties, you should watch the show.

Ms. Cewsh: Final Score: 16 out of 25 kitties.

Vice’s Musings:

Vice: Overall it was a pretty good PPV. Had some great wrestling, some good angles and storyline progression, and was entertaining in general. Plus, it had Melina getting her head kicked in with her own leg. Can’t beat that. The crowd was pretty damn great throughout the show. They were quiet when they needed to be, and were absolutely on fire when they needed to be. Going by crowd reactions, everyone in the Rumble match seemed like a main eventer.

Catch the replay or download it. It’s worth seeing. Bring on Wrestlemania.

I’m adding a new award this time around, the ever-so-awesome TANOOKI award. To put it bluntly, it doesn’t really honor anything. It’s very arbitrary and may not have an explanation behind it. It could be anything, really. Could be something that looks ridiculous, a wardrobe malfunction, a botch, a dumb facial expression.. anything. Whatever I feel like. I actually wanted to implement this a long time ago but never got around to it and Cewsh and I could never think of anything it could represent other than being completely random. But hey, Seinfeld was a show about nothing and look what happened there.

Well, there you have it ladies and gentlemen. The first WWE PPV of the year, and there’s a great deal to be excited about looking towards the future and Wrestlemania. Excitement abounds, and we hope that our review is part of that excitement. So from Ms. Cewsh, Vice and your friendly neighborhood Cewsh, we with you all a happy Road to Wrestlemania. See you at TNA’s Against All Odds!

TNA Genesis 2009

Cewsh: The first TNA show of the new year, and it was a definite doozie, as Mick Foley had just come to TNA, and nobody really knew what he was going to wind up doing with the company. This is the start of what I would later call the “Meh” period of TNA PPVs. Meh. A three letter word that means “not worth your money or time.” Also, this review was powered entirely by Taco Bell and sleeplessness.

Good times.

Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…


Well here we are again boys and girls, here for another TNA review, but also here for the very first big (US) show of the new year. TNA jumps out of the gate first with the first PPV of the year, so will they set the pace, and the standard for 2009, and give us a show to give us faith for the coming year? Only time will tell, and time we have. So let’s get to it.

Segment 1 – VIDEO MADNESS.

Cewsh: TNA comes out of the blocks with another quality video package and yeah. This is pretty much the same month in and month out. Many props to the TNA production staff for coming up with fresh new ways to make PPVs seem epic through these videos, though I would argue that the videos are SO good, that they’d be better served to be on tv selling the shows. Just a thought. Moving on…

Segment 2 – Six Man Elimination Tag Team Match. Sonjay (Waiting For My One Feud A Year) Dutt, Ki (The Great Mutunoriginalgimmick) Yoshi, and Jimmy (Someday A Company Will Push Me) Rave vs. Eric (Serious Business!)Young and L.A.X. (Ative).

Vice: TNA really knows how to start PPVs off. Say all the bad things you want about them, but when it comes to starting on fire, they almost always deliver. Eric and LAX are super over, and the heels are actually getting boos. How crazy is that? Get out of Orlando, TNA. The match was surprisingly good. Fast-paced and spotty, the crowd ate it the hell up. While obviously not all matches should be fast and spotty, it’s more than fine with the opener. There’s nothing worse than starting the show off to silence or groans. The crowd is awesome so far. Hernandez continues to amaze me. I don’t think I’ll ever get tired of him just throwing people from one side of the ring to the other. He’s a big dude, but he doesn’t look THAT strong.

The show is off to a lovely start.

Cewsh: Well this is our basic opening TNA PPV match. Lots of X Division guys. High spots, botches, craziness, etcetera. This one is more uninspired than most, since its generally between a bunch of jobbers and 3 guys getting actual pushes (guess who is who), so the outcome is pretty much a certainty. So with that said, I’ll instead choose to focus on the crazy different atmosphere this show has compared to the average TNA PPV. They’re pretty obviously not in the Impact Zone, but I’m not sure where they actually are, because if they mentioned it I didn’t catch it. At any rate, there are many different, dynamic camera angles, a bigger arena feel, and the crowd sounds absolutely huge, even if the relative darkness makes it hard to see how many fans are really in attendance. In general it lends itself to a very new and different atmosphere to the show. Very interesting.

Though honestly, a big arena seems wasted on a match like this. At least when WWE runs a bad match featuring jobbers in a huge arena, I generally believe they belong there. Jimmy Rave looks like he broke in.

During the match Jim Cornette is trying to get into the Main Event Mafia’s locker room, to negligible success. This was more interesting than the actual match, unfortunately. Or at least until it got down to one man verses three, at which point the match became immediately watchable and awesome. Its worth mentioning, though, that TNA has a weird way of pushing people. Why am I to believe that a guy like Rave is a threat to a guy like Hernandez. Has Rave ever won a match in TNA? Ever? Yeah. Wacky.

50 out of 100.

Hernandez over Jimmy Rave after all others were eliminated.
Segment 3 – Steiner Gets Promo Time. Why, god, why?

Cewsh: Exactly what the segment name implies. Cornette wants to know why Rhino is late getting to the arena. In case you don’t know, Rhino has a title shot tonight against Sting. Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please let him be injured so that he has to miss the main event. Fucking put Cute Kip in there and it would be a better main event. Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please.

Segment 4 – Motor City Machine Guns Vignette.

Cewsh: So let me get this straight. The Machine Guns are wrestling each other for the X Division Title, in a friendly competition match, and they even just got their own promo video to promote it? Yeah, I’m betting there are shenanigans or a swerve at work here. Just a feeling I get.

Segment 5 – TNA X Division Championship – Alex (This Is The Year Of) Shelley vs. Chris (Marty Jannetty) Sabin.

Cewsh: This match is probably the one to be most excited about on this show, as the best tag team in TNA (and debatably in the world right now) going head to head and full speed for a championship that they both deserve. Now there are a few problems with this.

1. They make no mention of the NJPW Tag Titles that they JUST won. A match between tag champions is that much more important.

2. These guys have way more tag chemistry than they have as opponents.

3. They have themselves a very good, very hard hitting X Division style match. But if they weren’t dressed the same, and you didn’t know who they were, you would have no idea that they were tag team partners. I don’t know what I expect from them exactly, but its just like they went out there and had a match, as opposed to telling the natural “I respect you, but let’s fight” story.

So yeah. Good match, but somehow it wasn’t all that I wanted it to be. To be honest, there isn’t actually anything wrong with the match itself, it just felt to me like outside factors, and the overwhelming feeling that this Shelley push can’t possibly last due to my general lack of faith in TNA to push people effectively. Am I too jaded to give this match the credit it deserves? Entirely possible. But I can’t help it.

Now. On the positive side, because there is one despite my bitching, what you have here is two X Division guys basically doing all that they can to replicate a Japanese main event match (hey we just reviewed one of those!) and they had a lot of success with it. This was a very entertaining match, with a hot ending, and the right man won I think. I just wish my heart had been in it.

73 out of 100.

Vice: I can see a lot of people not liking this match-up and thinking it was overdone a bit. However, I fucking loved it. It seemed to play out a lot like a big Japanese match, but I thought it worked. It was fast and spotty, but that’s how both of them wrestle these days. Lots of action in this match on top of a great story, I felt.

Basically going into the match, both of them are equals due to how they’re presented in their tag team. Sabin, however, has the edge because he’s been X-division champion a number of times.. so he’s the “better” of the two on paper. Neither man wanted to lose because a title was on the line and because they both have so much pride. And, you know.. bragging rights go to the winner. Since they know each other so well, both men were able to capitalize off the mistakes they each made and were waiting for the other person with a counter to it. It was very well done. I was going into this match thinking it’d be good at best, but would probably end up being pretty shitty. Wrong.

I normally dread endings like this one had, but it was so well done and fit the story perfectly. It wasn’t so much Sabin losing, but Shelley winning. Simply put, Shelley could not beat Sabin in a straight up one on one match. He threw everything in his arsenal at him and couldn’t put him down for the 3. Even worse, as the match kept going, Sabin was firing back harder and harder and would just. not. die. Call it experience, determination, being the better man, whatever—Sabin couldn’t be beaten. So, Shelley, knowing that Sabin is practically a brother to him, feigns an injury to catch him off guard. And, as it was made abundantly clear the second Shelley was holding his leg, Sabin gets caught for the 3.

The post-match stuff was great. I was so afraid it was going to become a shoving contest, but Sabin realized that Shelley got him and eventually smiled. Shelley goes for the handshake, Sabin is a bit hesitant at first but throws his hand up. Shelley takes his back and gives Sabin a massive hug. That’s as perfect as it could have been. So there was no “clear” winner of the match as both are still more or less equals, and yet the finish didn’t feel out of place at all OR hurt the team in a sense of forced/bad booking. Certainly not a five star match, but for what it was it had very few, if any, faults.

Shelley over Sabin with the Roll Up.
Segment 6 – Jim Cornette Can’t Find Rhino. No Zoo In The Yellow Pages?

Cewsh: Alright. So nobody can find Rhino, Christy Hemme apparently has a broken neck and Kevin Nash has a “staph infection” and can’t wrestle. They’re dropping like flies ladies and gentlemen. Steroid fueled flies.

Shit, those would be some nasty badass flies.

Segment 7 – West and Tenay Run Down The Card.

Cewsh: This wouldn’t merit qualification as a segment ordinarily, but they are blatantly unsure of what to do as half of the show seems to have disappeared out from under their feet. Now they may be kayfabing me very effectively, but if they are then they deserve awards for acting, because West especially looks entirely out of sorts. Insane.

Segment 8 – Sheik Abdul (Meany Face) Bashir vs. Shane (Scary Fucking Entrance Video) Sewell.

Vice: Aaand the show goes downhill. Ok, Sewell is a ref. He’s a big ref and is probably in better shape than Edge and I combined and he’d probably fuck us both up at the same time in a dark alley.. but he’s still a ref. In wrestling land, that means that any sort of accidental hit will knock him dead for upwards of 13 minutes and 42 seconds. However, any sort of intended physical contact doesn’t actually hurt him much. He can, still, beat the shit out of an actual wrestler. Yes, he’s a smaller wrestler, but still a wrestler.

Really, the match should be Bashir beating the shit out of him for the majority of the time with maybe a hot exchange here or there from Sewell to keep it a wrestling contest. A ref should not be on offense for 68% of the match. Even if he’s a big ref and is probably in better shape than Edge and I combined and probably able to fuck both of us up at the same time in a dark alley. He should also not be the one doing a Figure Four to get the Charlotte/Flair pop. Poor match from a wrestling perspective and booking perspective, however…

The end was pretty awesome. Hebner getting involved and helping out his referee comrade was pretty damn funny. Plus a fast count on Bashir, continuing the screwjobs from Hebner. Oh, and the ref celebration at the end. I can’t hate on that part of the match because I was laughing quite a bit. Eat that, you actual wrestlers!

Cewsh: This is a good angle. Bashir has played this whole thing as an insane jerk, and Sewell has done the Incredible Hulk routine without it coming off as too hokey to be reasonable. It’s a good angle, but as the match starts, there is absolutely no reaction from the fans for either of these two men. Up to this point the crowd was pretty active in booing the heels and cheering the faces, but I think the fans are a little confused by Shane Sewell. The angle has been effective in getting his sympathetic referee character over, but then he comes out here and basically has a technical wrestling match with the man who drove him so crazy with rage that he got himself fired?

This is another match where the atmosphere of the match does not match the angle in place here, and its bugging me more than I ought to be letting it. Just as a wrestling match though, this is nothing special. In fact its worse than nothing special. This match is just move after move after move. No intensity, no progression of the angle. Its just Bashir trying to generate some heat, and Sewell being very underwhelming in his face role.

The ending though? Goddamn hilarious. Even if it did make Earl Hebner the biggest face in the match. Awesome stuff at the end, but it wasn’t enough to save this match.

55 out of 100.

Sewell over Bashir Following A Roll Up while Earl Hebner Fast Counted The Pin Fall.

Segment 9 – Jim Cornette Is Looking For, Wait For It, RHINO!

Cewsh: I mean seriously. If you want to find Rhino that bad, just check the local Hooters or something.

At any rate. Booker T is less than helpful in Cornette’s pursuit, and when a fight almost breaks out the Zebra Brigade shows up to break it up. This involves Shane Sewell (who must have hustled to get back here this fast) staring down Booker T. A feud between them? Already? Hmm.

Segment 10 – TNA World Tag Team Championships– Black (And White Cookies Are Delicious) Machismo and Consequences (God, Do I Hate Spelling That Word) Creed © vs. Abyss (Fat Kane. Note: Not Phat Kane.) and Matt (I Have Gotten Over My Stuttering Problem, Thank You) Morgan vs. Beer (Wait, We Lost The Titles?) Money Inc.

Vice: I want a Boozer Cruiser. If Storm ever leaves Roode, he should be replaced with a bear.


It’d be quite an awesome replacement, to be honest. But I hope Storm doesn’t go anywhere despite the potential brilliance of a live bear in TNA. Since I am rambling about bears, it’s a hint at what the match was like. Basically, it was there. Decent match, but nothing really special about it. I’m hoping someone sets Abyss on fire sometime soon. It’s been a while, and I hope TNA hasn’t forgotten about that Abyss Dies gimmick.

Cewsh: Alright, so apparently Creed and Lethal won the tag titles on the show before the PPV, and I’m guessing it may have been because of the knee injury that they were talking about with Roode. At any rate, that gives this match a little different dynamic then that straight up tag match I was expecting going in, but as a result, this match doesn’t have a ton of heat on it. At any rate, these guys do the best they can to whip the crowd up and get them excited, and they really do a good job of it.

Beer Money especially do a fantastic job, and are really starting to cement themselves as something really special in the wrestling industry right now. They’re a little bit old school, but they can wrestle the X Division style, the can wrestle big guys and small guys, and come off great either way. TNA is truly lucky to have found another team with such natural chemistry. They’ve had many in their history. Its just unfortunate that they’ve rarely had more than one at any given time.

Anyway this is the most entertaining match of the night so far for me, and hopefully this will mark the beginning of the turnaround for the show.

69 out of 100.

Beer Money Inc. over Morgan and Abyss Following Sneaky Tactics.

Cewsh: After the match Abyss and Morgan definitely have issues. They should perhaps attend a church service together. Perhaps one run by the SINISTER MINISTER! BWAHAHAHA.

Segment 11 – Jim Cornette Finds Out Where Rhino Is.

Cewsh: Quick, everyone check your “kooky possible locations” bingo cards? Did anybody have “a vacant lot”? No? Then sorry, I’m afraid you’re all losers this week. Thanks for playing.

Kurt Angle admits that the Mafia beat up Rhino and left him in “a vacant lot” with cab fair, since they’re nice guys. This was all earlier that day, conceivably in the same town that the arena is in. So, couldn’t Rhino have just walked to the arena? Taken public transportation? Or, since he had cab fair, I don’t know, taken a cab? Or was this lot like REALLY, REALLY vacant? I mean its North Carolina, so how vacant are we talking here? Like cornfield vacant? Atlantic Ocean refueling dock vacant?

In my opinion they could have saved a lot of trouble by just shooting him right from the beginning. It would have made them the biggest faces since Austin.

Segment 12 – TNA Knockouts Championship Number One Contender Ship – ODB (Open During Bat mitzvahs) and Roxxi (I Left My Personality In My Other Plaid Pants) and Taylor (Is So Unbelievably Tiny) Wilde vs. The Kong-tourage (Sojourner Bolt, Rhaka Khan, Raisha Saide).

Cewsh: Alright, let’s just get into this:

– The Khan-tourage. The ass licking, shit fucking Kong-tourage?! Are you fucking kidding me? No, this has to be a fucking goddamn joke, because no nickname I could ever come up with in a segment header could do justice to how hilariously and mind numbingly awful that name is.

– The Kong-tourage is comprised of one black chick, one exotic looking black chick, one Middle Eastern chick, and Kong. What the fuck do these people have in common? That they aren’t white? I know that wrestling is inherently hickish and racist, but I can’t even be offended by this, because its not racist, its just fucking lazy. Stupid and fucking lazy.

– This is a 6 man tag match for the number one contender ship. The person who gets the pin fall gets the shot. Yeah, these matches are FUCKING STUPID. Why would a stable enter in to a match like this with no visible strategy. Everyone in this match has every reason to betray their teammates to get that title shot. By NOT doing that, and by NOT seeming to give a shit about getting a win just makes it seem like the title isn’t anything worth pursuing. Why isn’t this just a 6 way match? There is no reason. None at all.

– There was so much hope for the Knockout Division when it debuted. So, so much hope. But guess what? Its dead. This shit is on absolute life support right now, and unless something spectacular happens to jumpstart it soon, it is going to die a terrible and embarrassing death.


21 out of 100.

Vice: Ugh. I’d totally fuck Taylor and Cheerleader Melissa, but I won’t pretend to enjoy their matches. Yeah, I wasn’t feeling this one. Should I be? Instead, I spent the match discussing potential gimmick changes.

Envious Vice: As previously mentioned, Roxxi should be lower-class pregnant trailer trash. Maybe even make her a lesbian.

Envious Vice: ODB needs to wear a dinosaur outfit that covers her body from foot to neck. Not because she’s not attractive, but because she’d make a good dinosaur.

Envious Vice: Taylor Wilde needs to be a referee… of porn.

Envious Vice: I’ve not seen a lot of porn in my day, but sometimes I feel like a ref should step in and give them a 5-count.

Envious Vice: But that’s just me.

DashboardFonz: Absolutely.

DashboardFonz: I’m with you so far.

Envious Vice: Rhaka Khan..

Envious Vice: Well..

Envious Vice: I don’t even know what to do with her.

Envious Vice: I guess they could make her look like even more of a freak.

Envious Vice: I’d fire the other black woman.

Envious Vice: They could have her protest the decision and come back with a megaphone claiming discrimination.

Envious Vice: And ODB would come out of nowhere and beat her with her giant T-Rex slippers.

Envious Vice: Hopefully the slippers that make sounds when you walk. Like the ones Urkel had.

Envious Vice: ODB should also have a cape.

Envious Vice: Saide should have a hooker gimmick or something.

Envious Vice: Anything to get her skin showing.

Envious Vice: And her face.

Envious Vice: She’s really hot, but you’d never know.

ODB over everyone Following A Who Gives A Fucking Shit.

Segment 13 – Sting Isn’t Interested In Rhino.

Cewsh: That makes two of us, Stinger. That makes two of us.

Segment 14 – No Disqualification – Kurt (TNA’s Mr. PPV) Angle vs. Jeff (King of Magic Mountain) Jarrett.

Vice: This is how a heated match should start off. From the get-go, Jarrett just starts beating the shit out of Angle. Intense irish whips too, as dumb as that sounds. Chain wrestling is a no no here, and it makes sense. Angle tried to slow Jeff’s onslaught down with a sleeper, which was a good touch. Good story here with Angle constantly having to slow Jarrett down, because that’s how hot Jarrett is. The match gets fucking intense and at times downright brutal and fucked up. While I normally slam Jarrett and never really look forward to seeing him, there’s no denying how fucking great he was in this match. He played the courageous face to utter perfection. The story they told was gripping, the action was amazing, and overall just a really fucking great match and wrestled RIGHT. I wasn’t looking forward to it, but fuck did they deliver.

The post match stuff was fucking brutal as well. Good to see Tenay and West visibly affected by what happened, even if their acting was a bit dramatic. Edge pointed out that Tenay had to look at the run sheet at the end, which is something I missed because I was taking my boots off. It’s a nice touch, showing how broken up they were over what happened. Little touch, but very effective. As long as you’re not removing footwear and miss it. Though something tells me it’s going to make it into a blooper reel because some people are moronic.

Cewsh: Alright, my expectations aren’t very high for this match, but here’s hoping they surprise me.

This match starts off exactly as hot as I’ve been clamoring for the other matches to. Jarrett goes right after Angle, which he should be, since they apparently hate each other, and you’d think that that would be the idea. This match is just a fun, entertaining brawl right from the start. And brutal. Did I mention brutal? Yeah, these guys are laying in their kicks, cinching up on their headlocks, and they just give the very serious impression that these two wrestlers really want to hurt each other. Just absolutely perfect for the story that they set out to tell.

I just can’t say enough for how much of a reverse this match is from the matches before it on this show. This match is brutal, intense, emotional and, well, appropriate. Angle is absolutely money these days, like him or not he’s become like the Angle of old, where no matter what he’s doing, he’s stealing the show every month, and Jarrett absolutely knows his way around an entertaining brawl. The stars aligned for these guys here, and you can just go right ahead and file a police report, because this show has been fucking burgled by these two here. Jut a nasty, nasty, wonderful match.

Brilliant stuff, and I never would have expected it. That’s TNA for you. You can get down on it for a while and then BOOM, something like this happens to remind you of why you’ve invested yourself in the first place. Are the highs worth the lows? That’s not for me to say. But at the end of the day, all I know is that its not perfect and its not ideal, but fuck man. I’ll take it.

87 out of 100.

Cewsh’s Download Seal of Approval.

Angle over Jarrett Following A Roll Up.

Cewsh: Post match, Angle jumps Jarrett and puts his ankle in a chair and viciously stomps a mudhole in it for about 30 seconds before he leaves. Really great emotional moment here as West and Tenay seem legitimately broken up, with Tenay going to far as to blatantly read off of his run sheet to show how out of sorts this has made him. Really good, powerful stuff.

Segment 15 – Rhino Is Sort Of Pissed.

Cewsh: Geez what crawled up his ass?

Oh right. Kurt Angle’s shoe. My bad.

Segment 16 –TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Rhino (Is About As Good As Anything From Detroit Ever Could Be) vs. (Cewsh’s Dazzling Wit) Sting (s) ©.

Vice: Fuck you, Rhino. Get fired and work at Jiffy Lube you wanker.

Cewsh: Oh how I loathe thee Rhino, let me count the ways:

– I hate his stupid elbow tattoos.

– I hate the random Kanji on his singlet which doesn’t suit his character at all.

– I hate his stupid squat ugliness.

– I hate his greasy, ugly hair.

– I hate his stupid little goatee.

– I hate his beady little eyes.

– I hate that he looks like every greasy douche bag I’ve met in Ohio.

– I hate that he only has one move and its been years since he did it right.

– I fucking HATE that he’s actually proud of being from Detroit.

Now, all that said, I’m sure the guy is a nice dude in real life. A good father, a loving husband. By all accounts he has a ton of friends in the business, and is widely respected as a good guy. He’s faced personal struggles and I respect him more for having dealt with them like a man, and become a success despite it.

Now all THAT said, I don’t want to watch him wrestle ever again. Ever. Want objectivity? Seek it elsewhere. I’m a critic, not a charity worker.

Oh, and Sting was here also. Sting was good. And this match was short. So there is that.

50 out of 100.

Sting over Rhino Following the Scorpion Death Drop.

Segment 17 – Styles, Devon and Foley have a friendly chat.

Cewsh: Styles is the best promo in TNA. I never thought I’d say that, but he is absolute money. Devon is perfectly suitable. As for Foley? Well, I think we’ve pretty much seen this all before. He hasn’t shown me anything to indicate that he’s in the kind of shape necessary for him to pull off an in ring comeback right now, and he just really doesn’t belong in this match right now. There was scarcely any build up to his in ring debut for TNA, and he feels like an afterthought to the very real and heated feud between the other 4 in the match. Ah well.

Segment 18 – The Main Event Mafia (Booker T, Scott Steiner, and a Mystery Partner) vs. AJ (The Highlight of the Night) Styles, Brother (Obviously) Devon, and Mick (Has Been Retiring For 12 Years And Is Starting To Get A Handle On It) Foley.

Cewsh: I’m sure you’re all in suspense as to who the mystery partner or the Mafia is going to be. What World champion, what legend of wrestling, what king of the wrestling game will the Mafia have chosen on short notice to replace the fallen Kevin Nash? Well, naturally, they had only one choice. Only one man could possibly belong in such a role on such an important spot on the show.

And that man’s name is Cute Kip.

Wait. What?

That’s right, Cute fucking Kip.

Alright look, Nash canceled on the show at the last second and they needed a replacement, I get that. And they’re somewhat handicapped by the MEM gimmick as to who could possibly take a place in a match with the group, but seriously. There’s nobody else? Nobody hanging around visiting friends who could use a paycheck? Nobody? Are you sure? Sting or Angle couldn’t have worked another match?

So we have Foley, who has no business in this match, and two people with hot grievances, against Cute Kip, who has no business in this industry anymore, and two guys who have credibility, and played direct roles in the issues Devon and Styles have. Hmm, seems like there’s an easy solution to this. Hmm. Hmmmmmmm. Nope, can’t think of one. Oh well, on to the match itself.

Its basically a sloppy brawl, where everybody is trying to be very careful not to mess anything else up tonight. About halfway through the match, they’re all counted out, so Cornette comes down to restart the match. Of course, this would be too easy, and would make Cornette’s character useful, so they instantly declare that he has no authority here in TNA, and that Booker T has the authority to end matches. But then Foley jumps in, asserts himself as the authority and restarts the match under hardcore rules.

So, yeah. It descends into a sloppy, unfocused brawl after that. And then, finally, it mercifully something interesting happens, when Styles absolutely kills himself to make this match watchable. Its not enough though. Its simply not enough. Styles busts his ass, the veterans try to put something together here under extreme duress, and Foley is much better than he has any right to be, but it doesn’t matter. This match is bowling shoe ugly, as another man might say.

55 out of 100.

Vice: So, Nash is down with a staph infection, and it’s really shitty to shit on a match for potentially being shit because a man is down. Get better, Nash. Anyway, the Main Event Mafia needs a replacement so out comes… Cute Kip. Yes, the man who has never held a heavyweight title. Has never actually been a main eventer. Someone whose claim to fame is tag wrestling. Someone who should have fucked off years ago. Aaaand instead of just sticking to that in his promo, he goes on to insult the Carolina Panthers for cheap heat. Just awful. They couldn’t find ANYONE better? Couldn’t have flown someone in? Convinced Angle to pull double duty? Paid Sting $75,000 for a hot tag? Anything?

This match was pretty dreadful for the first 90% of it, but then picked up a bit. Overall a really crappy main event and a bad way to end the show.

The countout finish was bullshit, but then Cornette came out and said it was going to continue. But wait, the Main Event Mafia has power and Booker says NO! Then Foley says he holds the majority of TNA’s shares and he says YES! And it’s going to be HAAAARDCOOOOORE RUUUUULES. Oi. Well, the match picked up a lot from that point. AJ’s frog splash onto Kip was pretty goddamn awesome, but that couldn’t even save things. And Foley, the beaten up old legend and former multi-time heavyweight champion with a better career than everyone else in the Front Line will probably ever have, picks up the win for the youngsters who are feuding against the beaten up old legends and former multi-time heavyweight champions. Oh, by pinning Scott Steiner. What, Cute Kip couldn’t take the fall? BLAH.

Mick Foley over Scott Steiner with the Double Arm DDT.


Cewsh’s Final Analysis:

Cewsh: Yeah, this show was a train wreck from start to finish. There was one good match, and one fantastic match. Other than that it was an absolute disaster, but in fairness to TNA they had to deal with a lot of shit. From Hemme getting an alleged neck injury, to Nash no showing, to Roode’s leg injury scare, to essentially basing the whole show around Rhino, a lot of bad things happened and bad decisions were made. That’s TNA for you. Same booking mistakes, same shenanigans, some inconsistency. And at the same time, same interesting characters, same intriguing storylines, and same breathtaking matches. Make up your goddamn mind, TNA.

But we all know I’ll be right back here next month, rooting and hoping and praying for the TNA we all carry around in our heads. The fancy Utopian TNA where the little guys get pushed, the matches are all 100 point classics, and the storylines all make sense. Sigh.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 57.5 out of 100.

Vice’s Overall:

Vice: I actually enjoyed the show quite a bit despite a few clunkers of matches. The crowd was hot and a very nice change from Orlando. The set was nice, as was the camera work. It was nice seeing replays of awesome spots from multiple angles. It’s a massive step up from their old outings where something massive would happen and they’d get it from one angle, and the one angle didn’t even capture it well. Or they’d have a second camera that fucking nailed it, but didn’t use it for the replay because they’d prefer us seeing the move in all its glory at a later date in a video package or something. Would I recommend this show? No. No I wouldn’t. I would recommend trying to catch Sabin/Shelley and Angle/Jarrett though.

Vice’s Awards:

Well boys and girls, this isn’t exactly the great new start to the new year that I was expecting. In fact it was the opposite of the that great start. But don’t let that discourage you, intrepid readers, for in no more than 2 week’s time we will bring to you on of the grandest wrestling spectacles of the year. So be sure to keep a close eye on your calendars and a spot open in your hearts because on January 26th, Edge, Vice, and Ms. Cewsh bring you the 2009 WWE ROYAL RUMBLE.

Read it or die.

Are two of your options.