Welcome, cats and kittens, to another edition of the Razzy award winning Cewsh Reviews. Tonight we have the special privilege of covering a very unique event in professional wrestling. The Pro Wrestling Summit. Every Japanese wrestling promotion that anyone has ever heard of came together and offered one of their wrestlers to this mini supershow. Its mainly chock full of up and comers, and people that each promotion wants to push, so it’s a good indicator towards who the future of Japanese wrestling is. So yeah, this show is verrrry intriguing, and one of those rare times when we get the chance to sample a lot of different promotions at once. The Cewsh Reviews Team loves that shit.
And without any further ado, let’s review this bitch, shall we?
Cewsh: Oh, Japan.
We have here collected a huge array of talent from all over Japan to compete in an enormous supershow, and what do they do? They set the opening video to some Irish drinking songs, and have them all look as wacky as possible, before ending the video with a huge blow up anime king in the middle of crowded city street.
No wonder Godzilla keeps coming back for more.
Cewsh: Alright, I’d really love to be able to show you pictures of these guys, and tell you things about them, but seriously? I have no idea who the fuck any of these guys are. I’ve never even watched any of their promotions. And its not like they had any entrances to help me out with this, either. Oh no. Everything is in Japanese, and they’re all just jumbled in there. So with my handy dandy nicknames (made out of complete guesswork), I’ll try to call this match.
The match starts off with Mr. Blue Pants slapping the everloving shit out of Mr. Tall, and then everyone goes crazy and starts beating up other the fuck up. Then Baldy slaps a Torture Rack on the Masked Guy, and…um…yeah.
This match, as a whole, lasted less than 3 minutes, including introductions. A six man tag, that features each wrestler for less than 30 seconds. What in the fuck was this about? Everyone tagged in, did one move, and tagged out. I’m actually completely at a loss for what to say about this. This show is hyped to the moon, features all these promotion’s talent, and these guys showed up to word for 2 minutes and go home? Erm….okay.
30 out of 100
Vice: I started banging my friend as the show started, and then found myself halfway through the card. My previous best time in bed was 7 minutes, 32 seconds.. but fuck, it’s gotta be like an hour and a half now. And she STILL didn’t look very satisfied. Ugh. You can never please women.
Wait, it was a clip show? The world makes sense again.
Cewsh: Masahiro Chono passes a torch to a guy, who runs off screen. Yep. Maybe there’s more to that story somewhere, but that’s all that I got out of it. For the sake of good reviewing, though, let’s speculate further. The torch represents Chono’s spot in the main event of New Japan Pro Wrestling, see, and the hapless little guy in the powder blue robe he handed to represents the new generation of scrubs. The scrub taking it and jogging comically away symbolizes…um…Chono’s insecurities about having his shit stolen by guys in powder blue robes?
I was never good at metaphors.
Cewsh: Okay, okay, okay, I think I get it now.
This actually appears to be more of a highlight show, showing the best clips from these matches as opposed to the matches themselves. Naturally we both feel a bit cheated, as this seemed like a cool idea, and instead we’re getting weirdly cut together 2 minute clips of matches we’d like to actually SEE, instead of the actual matches themselves. The weird thing is, that its cut together in such a way, that unless you’re paying close attention, you might actually think that these are crazily fast paced 2 minute complete matches. Of course when you DO pay attention, you notice that guys are teleporting around the ring. Now they’re in the turnbuckle, HEY now they’re on the mat. Now outside the ring!
This has me bummed out. I’ve never seen a Masato Tanaka match I didn’t like. And now I can say that I’ve seen SOME of a Masato Tanaka match that I THINK I liked. To be fair, though, in the clips shown, Irie shows a fuckton of potential, and the crowd appeared to be really seriously into this as Irie fights the odds against the much bigger star.
Seemed like a good match. Wish I could tell you for sure.
35 out of 100
Cewsh: Okay, bear with me here.
Men’s Teioh appears to be engaging in some kind of competition to see if he can execute every one of a set list of moves on his opponents. Everytime he successfully does one (in his style of doing the move with the absolute bare minimum of moving), a symbol pops up on screen (one of the symbols on the huge screen behind the ring), a red circle pops up on said symbol, and then the whole screen makes the same noise that the door makes when you walk into a 7-Eleven. You might imagine that this would be a good setup for another one of those 2 minute matches. You would be mistaken. Even if this is broken up into clips, which I don’t know if it is or not, its still longer than the entire show before it combined, and consists of Men’s Teioh doing move, after move, after move to these scrubs who seems to make the smallest possible effort to fight back.
Then, as he gets close to finishing the list, things start to get interesting. The two random sumo guys who came to the ring with him, mysteriously choose to attack him out of nowhere, resulting in Men’s Teioh making the thong wearing fatties fall all over each other like a wacky Three Stooges skit. Then Teioh beats some more people up, and then, with only ONE move left to complete, who should emerge from the crowd but the one, the only, the legend…
TAKA jumps into the ring, and slaps on a sleeper hold. Teioh reverses it, hits his Spinning Toe Hold, and wheeeeee!
Post match, all the people Teioh was just kicking the shit out of jump all over him congratulating him. So his friends are enemies, and his enemies are friends? Controversial guy. They then all celebrate together, and the scrubs carry him off to the back. Not bad for a man in a loin cloth.
50 out of 100
Men’s Teioh over the Challenge. I think.
Segment 5 – Fluorescent Light Tube Match – The Great Sasuke (MPW) & Takashi Sasaki (Apache Pro Wrestling) & Ryuji Itou (BJW) vs. Yuukoh Miyamoto (666) & Isami Odaka (Union Pro Wrestling) & Saburo Inamatsu (K-DOJO)
Cewsh: Jesus fuck, not another light tube match!
Alright, I’ll try to be professional about this.
Out comes the team without Sasuke on it at first, and they’re wearing little light tube halos on their heads, which is adorable and kind of deranged. Then out comes the Suicide Legend himself, The Great Sasuke, and the party gets started. I have to give these guys credit. They show absolutely unheard of restraint, by actually waiting a few minutes before actually breaking any light tubes over each other. Almost like they realize that BUILDING to light tube shots might be more effective than just doing it willy nilly for no reason. CRAZY IDEA, right IWA: EC?
That restraint disappears after awhile, and they get down to the business of racking up all sorts of charges to the janitorial staff’s expense account. Its important to note right now, for the record, that these light tubes are entirely legit, and most of these guys are shirtless. One moment in particular was insane, as one guy kept taking tubes and kicking them apart all over another guy’s chest in the corner. You could actually see the blood blossom and flow every time he did it, seeing as its ACTUAL SHARP SHIT going on here.
Then The Great Sasuke spends upwards of 5 minutes trying to build a log fort out of light tubes, only to be thrown into them. Then he does it again, but the cabin wont stay still. He finally gets it to work, sets up several chairs around it, assumes the Karate Kid crane pose on top of one of them, and then gets destroyed into his cabin. He then he gets an Elijah Express (Running Double Knees to the chest in the corner) done to him, with light tubes of course. A Tombstone onto light tubes, a Swanton with light tubes done to him. And still the Prince of Deathmatch Comedy is standing! I know for a fact that I should hate this match. Hate the stupid light tube gimmick, hate that spottiness of it all, hate how zany and crazy everything is. But the truth is that I can’t. Somehow its just so fucking entertaining, that I actually find myself enjoying this detestable display.
These guys FUCK EACH OTHER UP. There’s no other way to say it. I’ve seen knife fights with less brutality, and big budget Hollywood movies with less comedic insight and timing. What an unexpectedly crazy fun match this was. Geez.
72 out of 100
Vice: Matches involving glass should always go on last. Broken glass fucking sucks, and you know that not every piece gets swept off the canvas at the end of the match. There’s a disgusting spot where one guy is dazed in the corner, and the other guy comes up to him with a BOX of light tubes, and one by one holds them up to the guy’s chest and kicks them into dust. Fucking OUCH.
This all looks incredibly painful. You know what it’s not? IWA:EC. This is the real deal.
Such a brutal and fucking downright disgusting and gruesome match. Sasuke’s role in the match made me piss myself laughing a number of times, which was pretty great. Everyone is covered in blood.
Fucking ow. The match shits on pretty much anything in America, deathmatch-wise. So, fuck you CZW. Fuck you IWA. Fuck you all. You’re NOTHING. Watch and learn.
Cewsh: The guy with the torch seems lost in the parking lot, with his still lit torch. UNTIL A HOODLUM RUNS OUT AND STEALS IT FROM HIM!
What a fiend! But then a man with a hat shooting fireworks runs out to defend the honor of the torch bearer! He’s dressed in drag, and when the torch bearer thanks him for his help, the guy pulls out a BAZOOKA and lights one end on fire, shooting out an enormous line of flame, and he chases the torch bearer down the street. True story, man. True story.
Anyone want to take a stab at finding a metaphor for that?
Cewsh: One of these men is a tutu, with little bunny ears. These are your up and coming stars ladies and gentlemen.
Actually, despite my whining about bunny ears, and men’s lingerie (his outfit of choice for promos), this is actually the kind of match that I was expecting when we chose out this show in the first place. A hard hitting, and tremendously entertaining match between four young guys trying to make a name for themselves. Its an interesting match, though they make very little use of the gimmick (only submissions and failure to reach a ten count decide the match), and there is so much kicking that somebody owes Bruce Lee a royalty check. The real star here is the mysterious (well, only to me really) man in the grey trunks. Whichever of these four names he was (I’m leaning towards him being Munerori Sawa), he is the future star of this show as far as I’m concerned. Every move he makes drips energy and charisma, and he’s just a firecracker in the ring, who still manages to be silky smooth much of the time. I wish I could tell you to keep an eye out for him, but I can only only guess at which guy he was. So yeah. Not very helpful.
It should also be apparent, at this point, that this is, in fact, not a clip show at all. Apparently the first two matches either really were 2 minutes long, or were clipped to save time, and the more important matches were given free reign over the rest of the card, because ever since the Men’s Teioh thingy, everyone has been taking their goddamn time. So yeah. I don’t know what that’s all about.
70 out of 100
Vice: The guy in the gray kicks ass. Brilliant bastard. TNA should sign him.
Awesomely fun match overall. No idea who anyone in the ring was, but I enjoyed all of them. Especially Mr. Grayshorts who was all kinds of excellent. These guys might be famous in Japan, but I’ve never heard of them and THAT IS A FUCKING PROBLEM. Seriously, I’d like to see more of these guys. Maybe a show from the promotion. They weren’t incredible or anything, but they put on a really fun match that hopefully got them a lot of attention.
This is one of the things I love about Japan and the indies, and even TNA: multiple organizations. It’s what I hate about WWE, because in WWE-land there is only WWE. There is no such thing as Japan. There are no such things as independent promotions. Just WWE. Anything you do elsewhere means nothing. Here we are in Japan, and a ton of guys from a ton of promotions are going at it. One, to prove dominance, and two, to give exposure to others. And yeah, I love how TNA acknowledges other companies. Samoa Joe comes in and they say he was champ in Ring of Honor, the best of the best indy-wise, for nearly two years. That puts him over quite a bit. Then you have guys from Japan coming in with titles. Some of the people on their roster have titles from other organizations. That’s awesome and puts the talent over quite a bit.
More shows like this need to exist. Same with the Ted Petty Invitational, assuming there are still good workers out there. Fuck Drake Younger, by the way.
Cewsh: We go back to the streets, where the Torch Bearer has apparently escaped the evil S&M pyromaniac, and he’s jogging down the sidewalk. All of a sudden, as he continues to lope down the sidewalk, the song “Heart’s On Fire” from Rocky IV starts blaring, as he charges heroically, or at leasts staggers forward while huffing and puffing. I’m am not exaggerating one bit when I tell you that this is the funniest thing I have seen on a wrestling show in I don’t know how long. This puffy old man in a powder blue robe, carrying a torch down the streets of Japan to Heart’s On Fire made me have to bite my lip savagely to keep from bursting out laughing and waking up everyone for a 2 block radius.
God I love Japan. I LOVE Japan.
Cewsh: I haven’t seen nearly enough of Shingo Takagi, which is crazy since he’s become something of a big star now for Dragon Gate, so I’m definitely welcoming this opportunity. Especially since this is a reunion of sorts between Takagi and Yoshie, who were both originally from the prestigious Animal Hammaguchi Gym. Which is a dandy as fuck place to be from, even if Yoshie does look like a big pink panda here.
Takagi is, in a word, impressive. He’s lightning fast, surprisingly strong, has a great look, great charisma, and he can seriously go in the ring. I honestly can’t say enough about how impressed I was with him here, after only having seen snippets of him before. He would be the clear and natural choice to be my up and coming star from this show, but the fact is that he’s pretty much already there whether I crown him or not. He’s a star for Dragon Gate, and doesn’t need a rub from me. His partner, on the other hand, is a perfectly capable big man wrestler, though his very first offensive move in this match was the Stink Face, so make of that, and him, what you will. Hiroshi Hino is, of course, Hiroshi Hino, and as such is an amusing bastard to watch as he messes with everyone and then blatantly tells them to suck it. He’s high quality, and I’m glad he’s in K-DOJO these days, training up them young folk. The other guy, I’m sorry to say, I hardly even noticed at all. He was just outshined by the other guys in this match with him. That seems harsh, but it really is the simple truth.
This match is what it is. It’s a showcase for Takagi and, to a lesser extent, Yoshie. Its fun, and had me interested, but there’s not a ton of substance here. It is what it is. It is not, for example, a ham sandwich. Words to live by.
68 out of 100
Vice: I thought this was a pretty good match. It was a bit too long for my liking, but it did everything it needed to do and it felt fairly important.. so I can’t really complain or anything. The action was solid, there was some story here and there, and it had fairly good pacing. It wasn’t a waste of time, and that’s the important thing. Not much else to say about it, really.
Cewsh: Torch Bearer is still bearing the torch. Consider yourself informed.
Then, they go picture in picture to show a bunch of Japanese chicks singing the torch bearer an inspiring song. How did they know he’d need this pick me up when this was recorded earlier in the day? Tremendously convenient for our trusty Torch Bearer. Anyway, several ladies serenade him for several minutes, including some of the most famous Joshi faces of all time. I have no idea what it is that they were singing, but it damn sure seemed inspiring. Run torch guy! Run! Penetrate the night, as you have penetrated my heart!
Cewsh: Oh boy. Suzuki and Takayama on one side, and unknown scrubs on the other?
This is going to be a slaughter.
See, Suzuki has been a freelancer for a long time, so he isn’t loyal to anything or anyone except for himself. As a freelancer who happens to also be a big name still to this day, he’s one of those guys that the promotions bring in from time to time to freshen up their main event scene. This is a mistake, because Minoru Suzuki sucks a dick at professional wrestling. His heart has always blatantly been in MMA, but he was never good enough to parlay his wrestling success over to there, so instead he just beats people the fuck up in his real job and everyone is happy to see the back of him when he leaves.
Yoshihiro Takayama, on the other hand, is one of those legends who isn’t actually a legend. Pro Wrestling NOAH would certainly like for us to BELIEVE that he’s a legend, but he’s really never done a single thing worthy of such a claim, and even if he had, he would still, now, be a big fat fuck with badly dyed blonde hair. His offense is so lame and weak that you might well prefer to get destroyed by Suzuki rather than have to sell for it.
Suzuki and Takayama murder these two kids. Absolutely bludgeon them for 15 minutes. Then they get a mini comeback, and then Suzuki kicks a guy so hard that he flies into the third row, legit, from the ring apron. It doesn’t really get better for the kids after that. Giood job paying your dues, kids. See you in a few years when you’ve gained some weight, and its time for your real push. This match was a prolonged beating. If that’s your thing then, well, hear you go.
55 out of 100
Vice: This was such a great beating. Seriously, the jobbers just got killed. It wasn’t a short squash match either. It was horribly long. Dues were paid like whoa. What a fucking fantastic beating. Loved it.
More squash matches need to be like this. A big angry bastard beating some jobber up in 20 seconds with 2 or 3 power moves is lazy and stupid. Have them beat the utter shit out of someone for 5-8 minutes to create a character or [i]something[/i]. RAAAAAWWWWWR *chokeslam* 1-2-3~! ANGRY POSE~! is so lame. I want to see someone get killed to the point where I legitimately feel bad for the jobber, which then in turn makes the squasher look amazing. Yeah. Not that hard.
Cewsh: I don’t know who a single one of these people are. We’ll discover them together.
I knew that there was a lot of time in this show, and that the idea of the show was to make and display new stars. But holy shit. They gave these eight guys over half an hour of time to play with, and they used it to absolutely tear the house down. The action is absolutely nonstop, but its never so fast that it loses focus. The crowd is into the damn match every step of the way, and everyone in it looks like a million and a half dollars. Special mentions definitely go to Tigers Mask and Shinjitsu Nohashi, both of whom are the epitome of brilliance here, and deserve to be heard of from now on.
I don’t even know what to say. This is the match that this show was designed for, at least, so far as I always thought. Everyone looked amazing and the match never got boring for a second. Mission accomplished, gentlemen.
78 out of 100
Vice: What a fucking match.
It gave me the same sort of feeling that the Dragon Gate matches in ROH gave me. Mainly the big one during Wrestlemania weekend, which Meltzer gave five stars. This match was just insanity. It was a giant spotfest, but it was so much fun to watch. Everything was so smooth and flowed so well. People were beating all kinds of fuck out of each other and flying all over the place. It had negative story, BUT WHO THE FUCK CARES?
I loved it.
Cewsh: Our Torch Bearer, exhausted from his endless run, collapses in the street. But a nice old man raises him up, encourages him, slaps him in the face, relights his torch, and sends him on his way. Seriously, with all the help he’s getting, I keep expecting him to show up at Mount Doom to cast the torch into the damn volcano already.
Cewsh: Starting off, these guys all actually get individual entrances, which is definitely a first for this show so far. This is the main event, though, after all. So even though I’ve only heard of one of these people before (NOAH’s bright up and comer, Atsushi Aoki), it definitely seems like they’re all big names, getting special treatment over the rest of this card.
Unfortunately, they don’t manage to do a ton to actually earn it. This match is ever bit as plodding and boring as the last match was fast an exciting. This match got even LONGER as well, clocking in at around 45 minutes, and it just didn’t deserve that kind of time or dedication. Nobody in the match really managed to rise above the rest and stand out, and the group as a whole failed to provide anything truly compelling.
I want to have more to say, but what else is there? This match was a serious let down. A pale imitation of better matches on the same show. Not main event quality, is an understatement.
43 out of 100
Cewsh: The Torch Bearer shows up, only to learn that he’s missed the entire show. He then hands the torch to a random passerby who happens to be NAOMICHI MARUFUJI! (Cewsh Note: Turned out not to be Naomichi Marufuji.) Fuji (Cewsh Note: Still not Marufuji) then runs off into the night with the torch. And so the tale goes on and on….
Cewsh: Well this show was an odd study. Wacky comedy, crazy deathmatches, and then alot of potential crammed into the last hour or two. At first I was incredibly frightened that it was all going to be one big clip show, but it turned out alright. The final score doesn’t really indicate how things actually were, and I really did enjoy this show, more or less, from start to finish. Also, if I gave ratings for segments, this show would score off the charts. OFF. DA. CHARTS.
Vice: I really wish the first few matches weren’t just clips, because this show was pretty goddamn entertaining for what it was. Wasn’t loaded with star power (perhaps in the traditional sense), really, but you could tell these guys were hungry to put on a show. The main event bored the shit out of me, but aside from that it was a very solid show. The segments with the torch runner were amazing. Japan is so fantastic when it comes to random shit that’s awesome.
And now, as has become customary for independent and Japanese shows, in place of Vice’s Awards, we have a Vice’s Video to document and summarize this wrestling show experience. Enjoy, and salutations. Its one of my favorite wrestling videos of all time, and for good reason.
Well that does it for us here at Cewsh Reviews Headquarters for this week, and what a week it has been. We learned important lessons about deception and Vice actually gave a show a better score than I did. I know. Unthinkable and slightly scary. Its okay, though. Its okay. We’ll be welcomed back to the warm embrace of the WWE, with Judgment Day next Tuesday. Until then ladies and gentlemen, keep reading, and be good to one another.