World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…
Welcome, oh luminaries of the internet for another hotly anticipated installment of Cewsh and Vice (and occasionally other people, Ms. Cewsh especially) review wrestling! Here tonight we have a special treat for you as Vice and I team up for the very first time to tackle a WWE PPV. Will our TNA chemistry carry over to the big leagues, or will we begin a downward spiral into obscurity? Like your hero always says, “I’m Cewsh, get me a sandwich.” That probably wasn’t relevant here, but I really am quite hungry. Little help?
Now, as I’m sure you all know, we go to great lengths to avoid spoilers of any kind, or information prior to the show. All we have to go on is what we see on tv (and in Vice’s case usually not even that). With that in mind let’s have a swingin’ good time, and do some reviewing or something. I don’t know. I should have taken up knitting.
Cewsh: Every year they product an opening video for Armageddon that is just absurdly over the top and ridiculous. Talking about epic wars and titanic struggles, and other bombastic adjectives to describe dudes beating each other up, they play it up like something damn near biblical. And then, generally, the show sucks. Because this is, after all, kind of traditionally a throwaway PPV. But we’ve got a great card tonight, so let’s see where it takes us. Oh, and for the record, the set is a FUCKING CASTLE. I love it when WWE loses their minds.
Cewsh: Opening the show, somewhat to my surprise, are Hardy and Kozlov. It always interests me how over Hardy is, and how it took them so long to capitalize on the drawing power of both he and his brother. People are going nuts for Hardy in this match, and seemed really into the whole contest. Anyway, these two have themselves a match and it’s a good one, made better actually by Todd Grisham and Matt Striker at the announce table. When they won the Slammy last week for “Best Announce Team” I thought it was odd, but they are just quite good and have great chemistry, and they really made this match better, which is the job of any good announce team.
Hardy and Kozlov have themselves a much better match than I thought they’d have together, and it was a great little opening match between a strong face and heel to get the crowd pumped up. I have no idea what these two men will do from here, as they both seem to basically be out of opponents, but they both earned their meal ticket tonight.
75 out of 100.
Vice: Koslov/Hardy – WWE is NEXT!
Solid opening match, really. Nothing outstanding, but certainly not bad at all. I’m not familiar with the rest of this card, but this doesn’t seem like it was the best choice of match to open the show with, due to its somewhat slow nature. Factor in Koslov winning and it’s definitely a questionable choice.
Glad to see Koslov go over here ‘cause he’s a beast. Hardy looked strong in defeat, so no worries to him. I do tend to hate champions losing non-title matches though, especially if they’re clean. If they lost, then, well, they’re not the best now are they? Will Koslov demand an ECW title shot now that he beat the ECW champ?
Cewsh: Edge, Vickie, and Chavo are hanging out backstage, and Chavo wants to know how Edge and Vickie managed to knock out Jeff Hardy before his Survivor Series match. Vickie denies any and all involvement in this. I’m not sure EXACTLY where they’re going with this, but I have a few speculative ideas.
THE RETURN OF REPO MAN IS NIGH! HARDY DIDN’T PAY HIS PARKING TICKETS.
Ahem. Probably not.
Cewsh: Hornswaggle is running around the backstage area, hitting Eve with a plastic, blow up toy (minds out of the gutter) when Finlay shows up and tells Horny that he has to stay in the back during Finlay’s match, so that he won’t get hurt by that big meany, Mark Henry. This being wrestling, obviously there’s no way he will disobey his father’s wishes.
Segment 5 – Number 1 Contendership For the Intercontinental Title – Rey (Real Men Wear Pink) Mysterio vs. CM (Cookie Monster) Punk.
Cewsh: This now, this is the reason I like reviewing these shows. Every once in awhile a really special match up happens, and I get the chance to watch it and let people know whether it was really up to par and worth investing time and effort into seeing. So would I say that this match here, between two of the more entertaining workers in the business today, vying over the right to face internet darling William Regal and going all out to deliver a fantastic match is worth your time and effort to track down and watch?
Oh hell yeah.
This match was just all fast speed, downhill racing. Mysterio and Punk just threw everything but the kitchen sink at each other for 15 minutes. Just full speed, crazy near falls, an awesome finish. Everything you want and more, here it is folks. Does it even need saying?
87 out of 100
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval
Vice: Punk/Rey – It could be a new area code!
By the power of REYSKULL!
This is the match that should have opened the show. Much faster and more exciting than the Hardy/Koslov match, which would make this the better choice. Plus, both Punk and Rey are quite over, so it’d work. Great finish, with Punk breaking Rey’s little fucking face in. Pretty fucking good match.
We’ll step into the ring, we’ll reach an understanding,
When the smoke is cleared I’ll be the last man standing, Toniiiiiight.
They’ll take back every word they said tonight,
I’m gonna show ‘em the door, be they saints or sinners,
‘Cause there can only be one Royal Rumble winner.
Cewsh: Jeff Hardy cuts a pretty impassioned promo (for him) with this sort of odd green lighting effect, and sort of only showing part of his face. Basically you’d have to see it to know what I’m talking about, but at any rate he cuts a pretty good promo, and I don’t know, I actually like this whole new thing from him. He’s definitely more dynamic now, and the fans certainly seem to have taken to it readily. I know a lot of people roll their eyes at the whole thing but I want to see where it goes from here. They’ve got me intrigued.
Cewsh: Michaels cuts an emotional promo about how he had to sell out for his family, and how he doesn’t much like it. I liked it, Vice hated it. I imagine you’ll be somewhere in between. The really interesting part, though, was when Shawn very passionately talked about not becoming a washed up wrestler working in a high school gym. Goosebumps there for me personally.
Cewsh: So yeah, whatever this little stable is called they talk about Orton’s match with Batista and talk up how Batista just doesn’t have the god given talents that they do. And by “they said that” I mean Rhodes and Manu. Rhodes is kind of becoming the mouthpiece of this little group, and that makes for an interesting dynamic that I wouldn’t have expected. Also, Manu is worthless. But you didn’t hear that from me.
Cewsh: This match was absolutely, mind numbingly dull. I have not one redeeming word to say about it.
You might like it. I did not.
33 out of 100
Vice: Finlay/Henry – Not just a trash can lid!
Typical brawl right here. It had some potential on paper, but never really took off.
Filler, yo. Filler.
I’m not really sure what to say beyond that, so I’m going to rant about my TV’s lamp burning out and needing to buy a new one to bring my 57” HD monster back to life. It fucking sucks. However, it means that I get to use the good Xbox in the living room with my LCD TV. So.. I don’t really have many complaints. If you prefer the small TV for games and don’t watch TV, why do you have such a massive TV? That is a good question, actually. Because it makes me better than you?
Yeah. I’ll go with that.
Um. Hmm. Well. Yeah. Santino, Boogeyman, Divas, Goldust. You should probably see this for yourself.
Cewsh: Kennedy is in this segment encouraging people to be safe this holiday season, and takes a jab at his wellness suspension while he’s at it. But along the way he COMPLETELY STEALS MY PSA BIT.
Cewsh: Here we are, the two stable mates from Evolution having their first serious match since they’ve both become main eventers. The clash of huge names and huge egos. But before we get to that whole thing, allow me to vent a little. Attention wrestling fans. When you go to a wrestling show and watch a wrestling product, you are actually part of the product itself. You may, conceivably, be seen on a live broadcast to millions and millions of people all across the world. So if you decide to do the wave because you’re bored (which happened during the Finlay/Henry match), then please, at least understand how much of a douche you look like, and understand that it is not clever, nor is it funny when you start chanting things that make no sense and have nothing to do with anything. If you don’t like the product, maybe don’t buy a ticket, or at least just boo. Even “Boring” chants are okay. But this cute little bullshit where every smark thinks they’re a special little snowflake needs to stop.
Ahem. Alright, now that that is out of my system, there’s a match here. The crowd, which had been pretty dead and awful all night, really came alive for this match. Orton was predictably brilliant in his heel role, and essentially upstaged Batista to no end during this match. Don’t get me wrong, Batista kept up his end of the bargain, certainly, and it wasn’t all just Orton putting on this very good match, but Orton is just something truly special in this role he has now, and it’s hard to peel your eyes off of him.
Great match, hot crowd (for once), good times.
81 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval.
Vice: Orton/Batista – Evil intentions!
I was hoping this match would have a lot more intensity. Some FIRE. It’s a pretty big fucking match, all things considered. Bigger than Armageddon, I’d say, but it’s nice to see a smaller PPV getting a big match.
It picked up a lot towards the end and had a good finish, and overall was a pretty damn good match. Still, I hoped it would be better considering how damn good Orton and Big Dave can be and how big the match could have been. Very enjoyable though.
– Ugh. Alright, they’re all dressed in Santa or Elf costumes, and if that’s the kink that gets your motor running, so to speak, then this is totally up your alley.
– Maryse has some star quality I think. There’s something rare about her.
– Kelly Kelly is improving a great deal and I respect the effort she’s making.
– Michelle McCool used the Style’s Clash. Seriously? Awful.
12 out of 100.
It’s hard to get into what the divas do. At the end of the day, they parade around the ring in ridiculous costumes. How can I take them seriously? Why should I give half a fuck?
WHY IS MICHELLE MCCOOL USING THE STYLES CLASH!? Fuck her. Fuck her with a rusty chainsaw in her anal cavity known as her mouth. Seriously, she just needs to fuck off. And die. Why, Undertaker? Why?
Cewsh: After the match, the Great Khali comes out to new, more friendly music. 10 minutes later he makes out with Mae Young.
Cewsh: Yes. A Commercial. DURING A PAY PER VIEW.
Cewsh: Okay, if you know the man at all, you know better than to think that Cena is actually Vice’s favorite. In fact, if you were to replace “favorite” with “bane of existence” it probably still wouldn’t quite say it. I’m quite a bit more of a fan of Cena’s, but the last time Chris Jericho and John Cena had a match, it was panned so terribly in our review that it almost discouraged Ms. Cewsh from ever reviewing (watching) another show. I know some people seem to have liked it, and it was what it was, but I don’t have a ton of faith for the quality of this match.
This match was, well. Alright look. If you liked their last match, this one was much, much better. And there wasn’t anything really wrong with this match persay, but there just wasn’t any emotion in it for me. I just struggle to buy their feud, and Cena has been a little off for me since his return. Couple that with the fact that these guys just don’t have much chemistry together, and it just makes for a match that I had trouble getting into.
Don’t let my opinion alone dictate whether or not you see this as it is all my personal thoughts on this one, and I’m not sure that I can see things through the eyes of someone who enjoyed their first match together, but I have to review this from my point of view, because I don’t have any other to offer.
76 out of 100
Vice: Cena/Jericho – The WWE Universe is grumbling in Buffalo!
You all know how I feel about Cena matches. It’s a game of Halo when Edge is downloading porn, and thus making it a horrendously laggy experience. You sneak up on a guy and stick a grenade to the back of his head. Then another grenade. Then you blow him up with a rocket. Then another. Then you reload and hit him with another two rockets. Then you empty a full clip of bullets into him. Then another. When you run out of ammo, you whack him in the face with your gun. Then again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Then he turns around, shoots you with one assault rifle bullet that hits you in the pinky toe and you die a horrible death. You want to scream and you damn Microsoft for making their controllers wireless and expensive, knowing that if you throw it, it’s going to go pretty fucking far and cost you a lot to replace.
The match did follow that formula (big surprise), but it was a good match. Jericho is really good right now. Not a match I’d ever watch again, nor did I want to watch in the first place, but I can see why others might like it. Or even love it.
Cewsh: Alright, let me preface this by saying that I had the finish spoiled for me by multiple people, which was really just fantastic guys. Appreciated. Anyway, here we have quite a big name main event, and going in I really didn’t know who was going to win. The smart money was obviously on Edge retaining and holding the title until Wrestlemania to face Hardy there. But who knows, man? It definitely seems like they have a plan in the works here.
Good match. The crowd was white hot for everything Hardy did, but was basically quiet for both Edge and Triple H. I wanted to like this match more, but since I knew the finish (again, thanks guys) it was hard to muster the interest in this 20+ minutes match. Purely from a match standpoint though, it’s a high quality Triple Threat. Not quite at the Benoit/Michaels/Triple H level or even at the Undertaker/Angle/Rock level, but its definitely a good match to watch.
Some of the spots though. Man, even as apathetic as having it spoiled for me had made me, there’s a spot involving all three men and the announce tables that woke me out of my stupor, and was about as cool a move as I’ve ever seen. The ending too, was white hot. Anybody could have won the match, and there was a really unpredictable feel to the whole thing. And man, the pop at the end of the match, was as big and honest of one as I’ve ever heard in wrestling. What a moment.
83 out of 100.
Cewsh’s Seal of Approval.
Vice: Hardy/HHH/Edge – Good God!
Hardy wiiiiiins. Unfortunately I had this match spoiled for me also, so Hardy getting the strap was not the HOLYFUCKINGSHIT moment it could have been, but it was still pretty awesome to see. Hopefully he can stay off the drugs, especially now that he has added pressure from being THE top guy. Kinda risky putting the title on him knowing his history and knowing that he’s one bad piss test away from going byebye. Also glad to see him win the title unexpectedly at a smaller show than something more predictable like Wrestlemania, even though that’d make an equally great moment if not even greater. Surprises are good and can be just as satisfying. Good match, too.
Cewsh: Helluva show, helluva show. Even though the show itself didn’t quite exactly live up to the potential of the card, this show was still pretty much better than a blow off December PPV has any real right to be. If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that something has started here with this show. Something important, and maybe something industry changing. But who knows, maybe I’m just caught up in the moment. Either way, this is a show worth watching. But to prove that definitively, let’s tally it up:
I may be mistaken, but I think that’s the best score I’ve ever given a show that we’ve reviewed so far. Not only that but three, count ‘em, THREE matches that I recommend downloading. Also a first. Just remember, if I didn’t say download it, STAY AWAY.
Vice: Overall a highly enjoyable show from start to finish. Armageddon tends to be a throwaway event, but this year it exceeded all expectations and delivered in many ways. Usually the Wrestlemania hype begins right around the time of the Rumble, but now it’s starting much sooner. This is good. Kudos to WWE here. They’ve had a pretty amazing year in terms of PPVs and what a way to cap off the year.
Well that does it for a another two weeks for us here at Cewsh Reviews… Headquarters. We’d like to wish you all a Merry Christmas/Hannakuh/Kwanza/Boxing Day/Laundry Day and a Happy New Year. And for all of us to all of you, we would just like to say that all we want for Christmas, is some booking that makes sense. Thank you all, and good night.