Monthly Archives: November 2008

WWE Survivor Series 2008

Cewsh: This is where things start to get interesting. With Vice unable to participate in our very first WWE show review, I had to scramble to find a replacement. Finally, after a great deal of whining and begging, Ms. Cewsh stepped up and filled the void. After reviewing more than capably, she decided (was conjoled) to join the cast permanantly. She only does the big 4 WWE shows, but she’s like the sprinkles on the ice cream. Delicious, delicious sprinkles.

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World Wrestling Entertainment Proudly Presents…

WWE Survivor Series 2008

Welcome ladies and alleged gentlemen, to the very first Cewsh and Vice review of a WWE show! Now you may have already noticed that something is a bit off this time out of the gate, but you may not be able to put your finger on it. Allow me to help. You see Vice is off on vacation to Imagination Land and has left me alone to post this review all by my lonesome.

After I stopped crying alone in my closet I got down to thinking about possible replacements. After cycling through some potential options, I finally settled on my own fiancé Danielle. Why, you ask desperately, fervently clinging to your autographed Vice bumper stickers? Because she has a point of view that I don’t have, and might be interesting to many. Danielle, for lack of a better word, is a mark. The proverbial casual fan we all speculate about. I think she’ll offer an interesting point of view on things, and if you disagree, then feel free to write your own long ass review. And have no fear Vicesuvians. The man himself will be back in action for the next review.

As always, for those unacquainted with our reviews, we only know what we can find out on the television shows and work hard to avoid spoilers and fake news. We’re here to tell you what is worth watching, and we are definitely not here to tell you how to think, just what to do. Got it? Alright. And away we go…

Segment 1 – Are You Ready For Some Football?! Alternately Wrestling?!

Cewsh: The opening video is up to WWE’s standard and actually hypes me up for Jericho/Cena more than the build ups on the shows themselves actually managed. Jericho is tremendous, and Cena’s return has me hyped through the roof.

Ms. Cewsh: Ok, so let’s start out with a little disclosure. I don’t know a DDT from an Elbow Drop. I don’t watch every week. And I hate Survivor Series. Moving on, this video package is fine. I hate the music they’ve chosen for Cena and I hate that I’ve heard it like a dozen times this week. I don’t feel particularly excited since I’ve seen this video package in a dozen different forms.



Segment 2 – Something Happened to Jeff Hardy? I Hadn’t Heard.

Ms. Cewsh: Oh Jeff. Perhaps an OD on face paint and hair dye? I’m looking forward to his inevitable run-in tonight.

Cewsh: JR gets us off and running with some earnest comments about Jeff Hardy’s incident. Apparently ABC, CNN, and TMZ all reported on it, which is weird, because I could have sworn that the best source anyone could name all day was WWESUXIPOSTMELTZERSNEWSANDCALLITREPORTING.com.



Segment 3 – Team Wacky (Shawn Michaels, Cryme Tyme, The Great Khali and Rey Mysterio) vs. Team Serious (JBL, The Miz, John Morrisson, Kane and MVP)

Cewsh Note: As a necessary defense against the traditional Survivor Series concept matches, all of said matches will be covered by me in note taking format. Because way too much shit is flying around to cover it all.

– I can’t even conceive of the fact that:

a) The Great Khali is a face.
b) He is in this match.
c) He gets the first big pop of the night.
d) I have to write a goddamn list because of something the Great Khali is doing that is not entitled “Things More Wooden That Khali’s Acting.”
e) I haven’t written that wood list prior to this.

– JBL is old. He looks old, he acts old, and he just seems worn out. It’s a shame, because he has value to offer, but he’s just not going to last much longer.

– Miz and Morrisson are absolutely brilliant. I really wish they had something worth doing.

– I HATE when they use every announcer at once in these kinds of matches. Its such a clusterfuck and I always forget who is the announcer for what show these days. Completely confusing.

– Keep an eye out towards the beginning of the match where Mysterio, no lie, tries his best to give a loving blowjob to MVP. An early Christmas present? It’s the gift that keeps on giving.

– I honestly really dislike the whole Survivor Series match concept. So little time to highlight so many people results in people looking completely forgettable (see Kane in this match), and for what? Nothing is gained through these matches. It can be done well, but not here, and not like this. Here its just a gimmick for gimmick’s sake.

– Morrisson aping all of Michaels’ moves = :heart:.

80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal Of Approval

Ms. Cewsh: I’m disappointed. I expected more from Team Wacky. Shawn Michaels has no cross tassels. No crazy vests. Not even a funny hat. Rey had an awesomely wacky mask, but he had to go and give it to some little kid in the crowd. JBL looks miserable with his life every time he gets out of his limo. It’s getting sad. All my notes on this match are about how much I love Morrison, how much I want to have hot, nasty sex with Morrison, and how much better at doing Shawn Michaels’ moves Morrison is. Oh and MVP will only be remembered for the fact that Rey gave him head 10 seconds into the match. First time I saw it, I thought the match was a bit forgettable. Upon further review, it was one of the highlights of the night. Take that how you will.

I need a fun rating system, right? Well my cat slept in my lap through the match.

3 sleeping kittens out of 5.

Michaels, Khali and Mysterio over Morrison with Sweet Chin Music.


Segment 4 – Triple H Cuts A Promo. Promo Needs A Band Aid.

Ms. Cewsh: Triple H is supposed to talk about Jeff, because apparently the whole damn roster needs to talk about Jeff. Triple H is a rebel and talks about Koslov instead. Crowd boos. I agree with…oh my Eve’s boobies are impressive tonight. Anyway yes. I like Triple H. I like when Triple H talks. I’m not ashamed. And I like Eve now, too.

Cewsh: Triple H is wearing something other than denim or leather? Somebody’s wife has been raiding his wardrobe. Triple H is a fine face promo, but I honestly miss the days of his 20 minute rambling heel suff. Am I the only one? Oh, I am? Very much so? Ah. Well, moving on then.



Segment 5 – Team Shiny Pants (Michelle McCool, Natalya, Victoria, Maryse and Maria) vs. Team Black Pants (Beth Phoenix, Mickie James, Jillian Hall, Candice Michelle and Kelly Kelly)

Cewsh Notes:

– First of all combining heels and faces in the name of show competition pisses me right off, right off the bat. Its okay when it has some build and there’s some tension there, but here we have people who are actively feuding teaming up with each other for absolutely no goddamn reason whatsoever.

– The faces are shiny. The heels wear black. Michelle McCool is both shiny and black. TWEENER.

– The crowd could really care less about this match. It redeems my faith in them after the Khali chant.

– I think this match was longer than the men’s match.

– The botch counter blew itself up after 100.

15 out of 100

Ms. Cewsh: Oh look, a women’s match. How exciting. Apparently because I also have a vagina, I’m supposed to be all about this. Smackdown divas, how I hate you all. Except Maria. I would tear that up. But she should never be allowed in a wrestling ring again. Come to think of it, I hate most of the Raw divas too. Anyway, the match is unwatchable. I’ll save you the trouble of watching it, no one loses their top. Two of the blondes on the Smackdown side get into a cat-fight almost immediately. Mickie’s outfit is hilariously bad. Beth looks like she eats nails and babies for fun and it really disturbs me how much Cewsh wants to do her. Natalia puts Candice into the Sharpshooter and I don’t buy for a second that Candice doesn’t immediately start bawling and tap.

Match was so bad my cat ran away.

0 sleeping kittens out of 5.

Beth Phoenix over Maryse with the Glam Slam.


Segment 6 – Fun With The Hardy Boys!

Ms. Cewsh: The obligatory interview with Matt about Jeff. Matt claims Jeff was hit in the back of the head by a blunt object, right behind the right ear, in his hotel room. How this made him collapse on the stairs like wwe.com claims, isn’t explained. As a member of the medical community, I would like to assure everyone that when someone collapses on a flight of stairs we immediately jump to blunt force trauma in their hotel room.

We also never keep head trauma victims in hospitals. No sir, we’re always releasing those trauma victims after a max of 15 hours. No overnight stays for wrestlers! They have pay-per-views to “not” make it to. I bet when Jeff runs in he’ll totally have bandages wrapped around his head like an old-school soap. Maybe he’ll even develop amnesia or split personalities!

Cewsh: Hi kids! Let’s take acting classes with Matt Hardy!

Step 1

Is the subject matter of this interview sad? If so, frown.


Step 2

Are you angry? If not, you must be sad. Continue frowning.


Step 3

Take long pauses between statements so that people can see your frown clearly.


Step 4

Is the segment over yet? If not, stare sadly off screen until it fades to black.

Now you too can act like Matt Hardy!



Segment 7 – The Big (Its Impossible To Par Down The Number of Nicknames That Involve the Words “Big” and Show”) Show vs. The Under (Over) taker. Casket Match

Cewsh: Here’s the thing about Casket matches, Last Ride matches, Buried Alive matches and so many of the other signature matches that the Undertaker has had assigned to him over the years. They suck. There have been a few standout matches, here and there, and they hit on something special with the Hell in a Cell matches, but generally speaking, these matches are awful, and the gimmick makes the match impossible to be as good as it could be otherwise.

This match is the hardcore brawl that you’d expect it, and like it, to be. The action is very slow, but not necessarily boring. If you’re okay with the idea of seeing two big guys slug it out for awhile, then this is good times, but I’m telling you right now, that the excitement meter didn’t even register this match at any point. The match picks up some speed after Big Show exhibits his newly found phobia of caskets. Weird how everyone the undertaker has ever met shares that phobia. Huh.

Anyway, decent match I suppose, even if the ending was tremendously sketchy and anti climactic. I like both of these guys and hope they both move on to bigger and better things.

65 out of 100

Ms. Cewsh: I’ve never seen a casket match and Cewsh assures me I’m going to wish I hadn’t. I guess it must be because I didn’t start watching wrestling until ’04, but I just don’t get the Undertaker. I know everyone else loves him from childhood, but to me he just looks old and slow. Example: Big Show decides he’s going to put Taker through the ECW table and very kindly gets all of the glass and wires out of the way. Of course he takes so long that Taker hits him and knocks him into position. Taker slowly climbs onto another announce table, gingerly jumps two feet to where Show is, and there’s a big crash. The crowd, apparently seeing a different match than I, chants “Holy shit!”

Anyway, Big Show is scared of the casket, but only when it’s convenient to the plot. He won’t close it when Taker’s in it, but he will climb out of the ring and flip it over like a kid throwing a temper tantrum. Then Taker reveals he has fire magic in addition to his lightning and then some monks bring out a new casket. Guess there was a BOGO sale.

The end was really weird and confusing. They kept stressing that to win the match you had to physically close the casket. But Taker didn’t. He wasn’t anywhere near the casket and they gave it to him. Lame.

1 sleeping kitty out of 5.

The Undertaker over the Big Show when the Casket Closed.


Segment 8 – Your Monthly Clusterfuck.

Ms. Cewsh: There is a turkey. I don’t know why there’s a turkey. Everyone thinks the turkey’s name is Charlie. It isn’t. Then the turkey is the Boogieman. That’s all I got.

Cewsh: Carlito and Primo hit on the Bella twins. The Gobbledy Gooker shows up. They speculate that it is Charlie Haas. It is not Charlie Haas. It is, in fact, the Boogeyman. He is scary. Yikes. Now the segment is over. The end.



Segment 9 – Team Orton Puts On Their Frowny Faces.

Cewsh: Team Orton are arguing. Hey maybe this is an angle!

Ms. Cewsh: Orton, wearing a shirt that I swear is a kitty wearing a gas mask, tries to lead his team. It’s not very effective and he and that little kid with the shovel face start yelling. Shelton Benjamin and Mark Henry step in and are the voices of reason. Something is very, very wrong here.



Segment 10 – Team Bad Push (Batista, CM Punk, Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Matt Hardy) vs. Team Wellness Violation (Randy Orton, William Regal, Mark Henry, Shelton Benjamin, and Cody Rhodes)

Ms. Cewsh: This match was one of the most forgettable I’ve ever seen. I’m not going to lie, I hate Batista so that probably has something to do with is. His body is a mess, I don’t believe him when he talks, and I don’t find him entertaining to watch. And the scary stretch mark/vein things in his arms are going to eat me. Punk gets more and more forgettable. I referred to Kingston as “that Jamaican I don’t remember seeing before” through all of my notes. Killings, (I can’t bring myself to type his WWE name,) is a bright spot, but he doesn’t get nearly enough time. Hardy cries himself to sleep wishing he was Jeff. I didn’t even bother taking notes on the heels, except for Orton. Orton is slumming it in this match and it comes off so hard. His finish is great, (I love his little “RKO dance”,) but the time it takes to get there is painful. The only reason to watch this match is to see Punk eliminate Regal and immediately get decked in the head by Layla’s shoe. That was pure gold. Other highlights include the fact that I got to see Kingston’s taint. I’ll carry that horror with me forever. And Killings looked good doing some completely unnecessary flips and cartwheels.

2 sleeping kitties out of 5.

Cewsh Notes:

– Mth? I could have sworn that I saw our resident Boogeyfan in the front row getting down in a serious way to R-Truth’s music.

– Rhodes needs a new look like I need a Resse’s Peanut Butter Cup. Catastrophically.

– Ahahahahaha. Way to make your Intercontinental champion look like a nobody. Totally worth it to see Layla spike Punk in the face with her shoe, though. Amazing.

– Matt Hardy did a moonsault? Somebody’s on Slim Fast!

– For something they’re calling a feud, does R-Truth ever get to beat Benjamin? Its not really a feud if one guy loses constantly and looks like a bitch.

– This match is unacceptably boring for the sum of its parts.

60 out of 100

Orton and Rhodes over Batista with the RKO.





Segment 11 – Kozlov Must Break You. Off A Piece Of His Kit Kat Bar.

Cewsh: Kozlov gets interview time. My theory that he’s actually a robot built by the Jerry Jarrett to blow up the McMahon family is gaining steam.

Ms. Cewsh: I. Must. Pause. Awkward. Ly. To. Establish. I. Am not. American.




Segment 12 – Vladamir (I Am So Not The Selling Point Of This Match) Kozlov vs. Triple (Only Double When He Hasn’t Taken His Vitamins.) H

Ms. Cewsh: In the match of the Gigantic Noses, Blandy McScowlsalot starts it off by being bland and scowling. Triple H comes out to his usual entrance. Did no one remember their pay-per-view costumes tonight? Don’t care. Still like Triple H. I’m not gonna lie. I didn’t watch the match. I don’t do straight wrestling. Cewsh was supposed to let me know if anything exciting happened. So let’s fast forward to Vicki coming out with a great big swerve.

The match is going to be a triple threat just like promised. It was awesome. Highlight of my night. Edge came out with a great big fucking beard like he’d spent the last couple of months in Russia training a’la Rocky IV to beat the Russian. Edge does his Spear Dance which is only slightly less cool than the RKO dance. Jeff runs in, like I totally called! He has pink hair, only a little band-aid, and he’s angry. He starts hitting people. Edge gets the pin and the title. Too sweet.

3 sleeping kitties out of 5, for the ending.

Cewsh: With all of the hullaballo surrounding Jeff Hardy, its worth mentioning that there is still a match here, and it is a better one than I expected. As to the controversial nature of the whole Hardy “incident” I’ll let you draw your own conclusion as to how that all worked out. I’m here to tell you what to watch, not what to think.

That said, I think it was fantastic.

Anyway, Triple H have themselves a solid, if unspectacular wrestling match. Apparent the crowd disagrees with me however, as the “boring” chants start almost immediately, followed closely by the chants of “We Want Hardy” and even, inexplicably, a definite “TNA” chant. Way to be ironic, crowd.
As should be pretty clear by now, this match was almost nonexistent it was so nothing, but then, as if a gift from the gods, the swerve of the year takes place.

Now I’m not going to spoil the actual events that take place. In theory there are still some people out there who are like me and actually like to be surprised by things. But here’s what you need to take away from this:

Holy. Fuck. Watch this fucking match. These are the moments that make WWE leagues ahead of anything else out there.

 
80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

Edge over Triple H and Vladamir Kozlov with the Spear.


Your winner and new WWE Champion: EDGE!



Segment 13 – John (Who Is This Jobber?) Cena vs. Chris (I’ll Look Back On This Night And Cry) Jericho (c)

Cewsh: Out comes John Cena to the first honest to god pop of the entire show, and finally, FINALLY, the crowd wakes up and decides to be interested in something on this show, making this match feel roughly 8,000 times more interesting than the rest of the card. Danielle and I both immediately notice Cena’s huge neck scar and speculate on what exactly kind of shit he was really up to. I’ll leave that speculation up to the medical biller, but either way, Cena is fucking Superman when it comes to injuries.

This match is pure spectacle. The crowd is wild for Cena, which helps to disguise his obvious ring rust. Jericho does his best to make Cena look great too, bumping around all over the place, and basically having a match all by himself. Hopefully down the line, people will look at matches like this and say that Jericho didn’t always get a fair shake match quality wise when he was on top. It’s a decent match, with some interesting elements, but it suffered from not being special enough for the situation. After all the hype for Cena’s return and this match is completely by the books, and even his entrance featured nothing special.

Cena’s back. He deserved more fanfare than this. But as a spectacle, this match doesn’t disappoint.

75 out of 100

Ms. Cewsh: Cewsh and I clearly watched different matches on this one. Jericho comes to the ring. He’s cool. I like him. Cena’s music hits and the crowd explodes. Oh so they HAVE been here all night. Cena doesn’t do anything special, he just walks down to the ring in a new shirt. I was expecting something bigger for his return. Remember when Punk was a gangster for him? That was cool. Anyway, Cena’s arms are gigantic and he has a big scar on his neck that they swear is from a slipped disk. It looks too far to the side to be a tracheotomy and it looks wrong to be something with the lymph nodes, so maybe they’re telling the truth. In which case, Cena has healing powers, because no one comes back that fast.

Anyway the match begins and I really wasn’t feeling it. I normally don’t mind the Cena is the underdog, but then he fights, but then he’s the underdog, but then he fights formula. This time, I found it unwatchable. In ten minutes, Cena gets beaten up on the outside. (Why do we even have those stairs? No one uses them except to batter people.) Ref gets to 9 and Cena rolls back in. Jericho puts on the Masterlock. Cena breaks it. Jericho puts it on again. Cena breaks it. Then Jericho puts him in what the announcers called the Walls of Jericho, but was not. Cena breaks it. Jericho actually does put on the Walls of Jericho. Cena breaks it. It’s not exciting or fun to watch. It’s boring. Then of course Cena hulks up and starts kicking Jericho’s ass. Cena gets the STFU, Jericho almost makes it to the ropes but Cena pulls him back. Jericho counters. Cena does the FU dance which =/= the RKO dance or even the Spear Dance. He doesn’t hit the FU, but Jericho does get the Code Breaker. Cena kicks out of the pin. I’m riveted.

FU. Pin. Cena is champ. Blah, blah, blah.

The match actually made me want to put the world’s kittens out of their misery.

-5 sleeping kittens out of 5.

John Cena over Chris Jericho with the F-U.


Your winner and new World Heavyweight Champion: JOHN CENA.


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Ms. Cewsh’s Final Purr:


Ms. Cewsh: You know for as bad as the scores I gave it, I didn’t hate the show…until the last match. Cena honestly ruined the show for me and made me feel worse about the previous matches I’d seen. It’s a shame, because the Michaels/JBL traditional SS match was entertaining to watch, comparatively. The end of the Triple H/Koslov was pretty great. Even the Orton/Batista SS match had some good spots. That’s about it, but I was left with the feeling that it was a more entertaining show than the sum of its parts.

Ms. Cewsh’s Final Score: 6 1/2 sleeping kitties out of 50.


Cewsh’s Conquest:


Cewsh: This wasn’t an amazing show. The matches were, for the most part, spotty and meaningless, the crowd was dead, and the undercard seemed to drag on forever. But this show is one that we might very well still be talking about years from now for what happened in the main events, and I can honestly say that I felt it was worth my money to see it live. Is that enough of an endorsement for you?

Cewsh’s Final Score: 62 1/2 out of 100.

Well cats and kittens, that does it for this month’s reviews from the Cewsh, Vice, and newly instituted Ms. Cewsh Team. We hope you like it, and as always questions, concerns, comments, and discussion are both allowed and encouraged. Hit us up and let us now how you liked it and what your thoughts were on the show. And as always keep reading, and be good to each other.

TNA Turning Point 2008

Cewsh: Ah, and here is the very first time that the Cewsh Reviews…team got to review a show by one of the top companies, and got a chance to show that they could, in fact, actually review shows that people might have some interest in seeing. Unfortunately, after the debacle of the Ring of Honor PPV, we were both feeling a bit listless about the whole review thing. Vice chose to go the complete comedic route with this one, and I had trouble resisting temptation to do the same. This would really be the turnaround, though, because from here on out the reviews got better and better every single time out the door. You might also notice that the format is much more familiar, as this was the first review that I really felt comfortable formatting these monsters.

I’m glad Vice let me talk him into keeping this going after all.

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Total Nonstop Action Proudly Presents…

TNA’s Turning Point 2008

Alright cats and kittens welcome to the official second review of the dynamic dream team, Cewsh and Vice, and this time we’ll be reviewing something that someone might actually have wanted to watch. Going into the watching of this card we both have a vague idea of the card, but no idea of the results, and a vague idea of the storylines involved. We are watching as fans and critics alike, because that’s the natural way.

Segment 1 – EPIC INTRO. EPIC. DON’T YOU SEE HOW EPIC WE ARE?!

Cewsh: TNA, as usual, runs down the matches with some epic and well produced video angles. There you go. Good stuff. They’re production department is really very, very good and has been for a long time. Deserve props for doing a lot with less resources.

Segment 2 – The Main Event Mafia Bully Borash. I Chuckle.

Cewsh: The Main Event Mafia all bundle out of a limo, and Scott Steiner, wearing a hilarious looking suit that makes him look even more crazy than usual, cuts a rambling promo to Jeremey Borash about young timers getting in his way, or some such. Then he makes Borash carry their bags. Ha!



Segment 3 – Jay (Where Did My Push Go?) Lethal, Jimmy (I Am The Most Annoying Looking Man Alive) Rave, Sonjay (Where Did Jay’s Push Go?) Dutt, Doug (Big Show) Williams, Homicide (Is Great), Eric (Super Serious) Young, Petey (Lil’ Steiner) Williams, Volador (I Wear See Thru Pants) Jr., Hiroshi (I Need A New Agent) Tanahashi


To Determine the Top 10 ratings in the X Division.


And its Lucha Libre Rules, so if they get thrown over the top rope out of the ring, they’re eliminated.


Everybody got all of that? Alright.

Vice: Small people.

Match: 7 ounces out of a can of soda.

Finish: It was Pepsi.

Note: Why does America get all the fat jokes when the UK has Doug?

Cewsh: First of all, its worth mentioning that the new set looks like magic. Its really, really fantastic, and just makes the whole show look infinitely more professional and well done than it did before. Also, So Cal Val? There wouldn’t be anything identifiable left after I finished hitting that. Fo real. Alright, so this is like a huge, multi X Division guy match like they generally have on these shows. There’s way too much action to follow individually, so here are some thoughts from the match:

– WHY IS TANAHASHI SLUMMING IT HERE?! We’re talking about one of the biggest draws in Japan wrestling a jobber match for the second most prestigious promotion in the United States. Bad call.

– Williams eliminated himself by jumping over the top rope. Except that he doesn’t. Maybe you have to be thrown over the top? We have no idea.

– I don’t feel like Lethal is as talented as people think. And Sonjay Dutt is so good that I want to invent a time machine so I can go back to last year and slap myself for insulting him so much.

– Homicide commits absolute suicide with his tope con hilo. What a man.

This was a high quality match, even if the whole “over the top rope” thing actually didn’t come up at any point in the match, and was actually, in fact, completely ignored. A very good opener with a very surprising winner.


65 out of 100

Eric Young over everyone else.


TNA X Division Top Ten Rankings*:


X Division Champion: Sheik Abdul Bashir


1. Eric Young
2. Jay Lethal
3. Doug Williams
4. Hiroshi Tanahashi
5. Petey Williams
6. Consequences Creed
7. Homicide
8. Jimmy Rave
9. Volador
10. Sonjay Dutt

* Bear in mind that this will never be brought up again by TNA. Ever.

Cewsh: Post match, Eric Young cuts a surprising serious and heartfelt promo about how the X Division kids are becoming men, and will defeat the Main Event Mafia. This storyline is already elevating talent to new heights, so I couldn’t be more in support of it.

Segment 4 – Mick Foley and Jeff Jarrett are interviewed, serious.

Cewsh: Foley and Jarrett do an interview where they talk about how they have to diffuse this whole situation before it gets out of hand. Meanwhile some kid sleeps on the couch behind them. Who is this mystery child? Some new addition to the roster? Some gripping, emotional element to a future storyline which will leave us all with tears and regret? Or just some kid, sleeping on a couch. I dunno, what are you all asking me for? I just review this stuff.

Segment 5 – Awesome (When I Have Yeast Infections, They Can Feed A Small African Nation For a Year) Kong and Raisha (I Like Eye Makeup) Saied w. Rhaka (I’m Made Out of Twigs) Khan vs. Roxi (I Make People Uncomfortable For a Living) and Taylor (Cewsh Hopes That In Bed I’m…) Wilde

Cewsh: I don’t enjoy women’s wrestling. I’m sorry. Much like the WNBA and the LPGA, I respect their accomplishments and their skills, but its just like watching worse wrestling than then men might offer in the same spot on the card, just because they have breasts. Now, there are some exceptions. I think very highly of 3 of the four women in this match, and I absolutely adore anything that Kong does in particular, but Roxi just rubs me the wrong way. Not because she does hardcore stuff or because she’s edgy or what have you, but because she’s not very interesting to watch or very attractive. So why is she here?

At any rate, this is a solid enough match I suppose, but it just doesn’t have much in the way of excitement or interest. It’s the furtherment of a storyline between Kong and Roxi I suppose, and that’s all it is. Filler match.

35 out of 100

Vice: The women.

Match: Two tentacles of an octopus.

Finish: Your tentacles are tentacles.

Note: I’d wreck Taylor Wilde.

Taylor Wilde and Roxi over Awesome Kong and Raisha Saide when Wilde pins Saide with the German Suplex.



Segment 6 – The Main Event Mafia Have a Swanky Locker Room.

Cewsh: Jarrett appeals to their good nature of the Mafia. It, um, fails. Yelling ensues. Nash is an amazing promo by the way. He has emotion, but never overacts. Its very effective. Anyway, short segment, moving on…

Segment 7 – Sheik (Not Muhhammed) Abdul (Not Hassan) Bashir vs. Rhino (Walrus)

Cewsh: So, we’re rooting for the racist, misogynist bigot from Detroit against the anti-American, militant Arab. Got it? Good. Bashir is quite talented, and basically carries this match with his top notch heel work. Also during this match, the Insane Clown Posse shows up in the front row and has some interaction with Bashir. Curious. Even more curious is the fact that Scott Hall is blatantly sitting in the front row with them, but is not mentioned in the slightest by the announcers. I guess he’s just there as a fan. Hall is a Juggalo? He MUST be high. Anyway this was an average match, with a predictable ending, but is worth watching for the growth of Bashir as a talent.

50 out of 100

Vice: Bashir/Rhyno.

Match: One wheel of a Toyota Camry.

Finish: The tire is now flat.

Note: Rhyno is actually, in fact, a Homosapien.

Rhino over Sheik Abdul Bashir with the Gore.



Segment 8 – Mick Foley Stirs Up the Troops.

Cewsh: Foley is stirring up the young guys, but The Motor City Machine Guns have no interest in listening. I’m really interested to see where this whole disrespectful young guys angle goes, because its very interesting. The young guys can’t afford to lose allies like the Guns, but they’re exactly what the Mafia are complaining about, and it hurts their cause to include them. TNA is crafting a multi layered story here, and I haven’t seen anything like it since the NWO.

Segment 9 – TNA World Tag Team Championship – The Motor City (Yay! We Finally Get A Title Shot) vs. Beer Money Inc. (Wine Change Also)©

Vice: Guns/BMI.

Match: 5 slices of a pepperoni pizza.

Finish: Double the pepperoni.

Note: Beer Money needs one theme, not a combining of two—it sounds awful.

Cewsh: You know the story before I have to tell it to you. The Guns have a ton of fast paced, double team offense that is thrilling to watch, and Beer Money are all about being strong heels that rile people up. It’s a pretty good match, though the styles don’t quite mesh perfectly well. This is about the perfect kind of match for the midpoint of the show, though. 4 strong midcard workers having a decent tag match to stir the fans back up and get them re-energized for the final stretch. This match will probably seem like a draw when you read about it, but its just a good midcard match. Nothing more, nothing less.

50 out of 100

Beer Money Inc. over The Motor City Machine Guns with the D.W.I.


Segment 10 – Borash Is All Up In Booker’s Business Like Whoa.

Cewsh: Borash interviews Booker T and Sharmell about Christian. Booker is absurd, and fantastic. The end.



Segment 11 – TNA Legends Championship – Christian (Johnny) Cage vs. (Safari Hunter) Booker T© If Christian Loses, He Has To Join the Main Event Mafia

Cewsh: I’m not really sure what I expected from this match. Their matches in the WWE were always plagued by an awkward lack of chemistry that caused their matches to look sloppy, and frankly, boring. However both performers have grown by leaps and bounds since then, and as a result, this match far exceeded my expectations. The opening moments of the contest had a lot of good, stiff chain wrestling that you don’t often see from these guys, and as the match progressed it stayed very well paced and exciting. Also the stipulation and the relative equality of these two on the card caused for a great atmosphere where I had no idea who was going to win this match. The ending is going to lead to an interesting storyline dynamic, I think. Very, very decent match here.

70 out of 100

Vice: Booker/Christian.

Match: One elephant tusk.

Finish: The tusk is from an African elephant.

Note: Their matches have always just.. been there.

Booker T over Christian Cage with a Roll Up.


Segment 12 – Abyss and Matt Morgan Are Perfect Strangers. Abyss is Balky.

Cewsh: Yet another interview here, this time with Abyss angrily ranting at Kurt Angle to hype up their match up next. Can anybody tell me why these guys get more promo time to hype up their PPV matches on the physical PPV itself than they do on the shows that are intended to sell said PPV’s? Anyway, Abyss is angry, and seems to be slowly returning to crazy Abyss. Countdown to him turning on Morgan begins now…

Segment 13 – Video Package Fever!

Cewsh: Kurt Angle vs. Jeff Jarrett video package. Are they having a match on this PPV? Oh wait, Abyss shows up at the tail end of it. Kind of makes him look like an afterthought to a retired wrestler in an administrative role. Not exactly top form, but forgivable.
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Segment 14 – Kurt (Best Entrance In Wrestling) Angle vs. Abyss (Starring Ed Harris)

Vice: Angle/Abyss.

Match: 16 cigarettes out of a pack.

Finish: 12 of those cigarettes were trampled into oblivion by a rare, wild and rainbow colored Buffalo, possibly from France.

Note: Abyss should have been set on fire.

Cewsh: Its funny, but watching this it occurs to me that Abyss was Angle’s first opponent after coming to TNA, when we were all sure that Angle was crippled and didn’t have it anymore. A few years later, and he certainly seems to have proven us wrong.

At any rate, these two have good chemistry, and Abyss is always a better worker than you expect him to be, especially against smaller guys who can run around a bit. Note that this is a Falls Count Anywhere match, so after the first few minutes, this thing is just a huge brawl through the arena. So if you were expecting a technical wrestling match (right), you will certainly be disappointed. Let me say this though, Angle does a move about halfway through this match off the stage that I had to rewind at least 10 times. It says something about the man that he is so good at high spots, and yet doesn’t even have to use them on a regular basis.

Anyway, this match was quite entertaining for me personally. When done in moderation, the whole hardcore, falls count anywhere gimmick can really be a breath of fresh air on a card, and so it is here. Definitely one of the best matches of the night, and one I’ll officially stamp this with Cewsh’s Seal of Approval. This match is a reason to download this show. Simple as that.

 
80 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval



Kurt Angle over Abyss when he puts him through the Spanish Announce Table.


Segment 15 – Samoa Joe Is Mellow, NOW MAD, Now Mellow, NOW MAD, Now Mellow, NOW MAD…

Cewsh: Segment name says it all really. Joe hates Nash. Nash is a jerk. Etc. On the other hand, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are delicious. I think I’ll enjoy one.



Segment 16 – Samoa (Sloppy) Joe vs. Kevin (Shiny Pants) Nash

Cewsh: This is the culmination of the longest running storyline in TNA, so it should definitely be emotional and dramatic. I also spend some time in the beginning thinking about how a few short years ago, Joe was an indy guy, and today he’s treated on the level of guys like Sting, Nash, and Angle, and not only does he hold his own, but he completely dominates them all. Part of me is terrified that he’ll come down with Lesnar disease, but I can only hope he won’t.

As for the match, it’s the brawl you’d expect it to be. For a match this built up though, I’d have to call the audience response disappointing. That’s the problem with holding PPVs in the iMPACT Zone, nobody there treats the big matches differently from the regular matches, so they come off flat. It doesn’t detract too much from the match though, and lets give credit where credit is due, Nash is in great shape. He busts his ass in this match to make Joe look good, and as a result the match is fun to watch, and makes both guys look good. Can’t ask for more than that.

70 out of 100

Vice: Joe/Nash.

Match: Optimus Prime’s legs out of Optimus Prime.

Finish: The legs rebelled and stomped you to death.

Note: Nash probably voted for John McCain.

Kevin Nash over Samoa Joe with a Roll Up With The Feet On The Ropes.


Segment 17 (?!) – Borash Interviews Some Mime.

Cewsh: Seriously, I know Sting’s supposed to be the Crow or whatever, be he’s always looked like a mime to me, and I fucking hate mimes. Evil looking bastards, thinking they’re better than me with their invisible walls and lassos. Goddamn mimes.




Segment 18 (?!!) – TNA World Heavyweight Championship – Sting (Mime) (c) vs. AJ (I Named My Kid After My Wrestling Name) Styles

Cewsh: This match has been a long time coming for Styles. Yes he’s been the World Champion before, but that was in the days when the World title was a belt that anybody could win, and had no credibility. This is his first real title match, and his first real main event since TNA became a credible promotion to be champion of. Also, its worth mentioning that TNA debuts a new thing here, where they do a hype video for each guy just before he enters, and I think it really gives the whole thing a big fight, that it may otherwise have lacked, after having maybe been lost in the shuffle of the overarching Main Event Mafia feud. Very nice touch.

The match? Its good. Damn good. Sting is clearly still trying to get used to working as a heel, but he’s much better here than he was against Joe, and it helps to have a guy like Styles bumping for him and making him look like a monster heel. Sting, concurrently, makes Styles look like a million bucks, and an equal, which is a huge step up for Styles, not to mention the way that Sting took some offense from AJ that I frankly never expected he’d be willing to take. The match is better for the compromise. One thing to warn you about though, is that this match is very slow paced for much of it, which makes sense in the context of the match, but is maybe not what you’d expect for an AJ Styles match. This is just a good match where the heel wears down the face, and the face tries to overcome it.

This match was worth watching. That’s what you’re here to know, yeah?


 
83 out of 100

Cewsh’s Seal of Approval

 

Vice: Sting/AJ.

Match: Half of a chicken.

Finish: An entire chicken.

Note: Have you seen AJ’s wife? Big Daddy V could do better.

Sting over AJ Styles with an Oklahoma Roll.



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Cewsh’s Cockatoo:


Cewsh: This show is pretty much a TNA show all around. Some stuff was great, some stuff was boring. Overall the show was very solid, but you come away from it not feeling incredibly wowed. Still, I thought the show was good enough from top to bottom, and the Main Event Mafia storyline might be the hottest in wrestling right now. They have a ticket to ride with this one. Let’s see how far they can take it.

Cewsh’s Final Score: 503 out of 800.

Vice’s Violence:


Vice: Not the best showing from TNA, but it wasn’t that bad overall. A solid, if unspectacular, showing for one of their typical PPVs. Good development storyline-wise and some decent matches with Angle/Abyss getting my vote as match of the night. If you’ve never seen TNA, don’t start with this PPV. There are better ones out there.

Vice’s Final Score: Overall: C-

That’s all folks. Hope you enjoyed it, and please drop us a comment to let us know how you’d like to see future reviews formatted, or what shows you’d like us to cover. We’re all ears, but we can’t get any better unless you guys help us cater it to you (though to be fair, Vice is only going to talk about Optimus Prime regardless of your requests). Tune in next time, for more action, more excitement, more snarking, and possible a little something for the ladies.